Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.

Otherwise, hello, and welcome.
Mail Trillian here<





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Women, The Internet and You: Tips for Men Who Use Online Dating Sites
Part I, Your Profile and Email

Part II, Selecting a Potential Date

Part III, Your First Date!

Part IV, After the First Date. Now What?


"50 First Dates"






Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.

Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Find Federal Officials
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or Search by State

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or Search by State

Contact The Media
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Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)

Quasar
Hyperbole
Amenable
Taciturn
Ennui
Prophetic
Tawdry
Hubris
Ethereal
Syzygy
Umbrageous
Twerp
Sluice
Omnipotent
Sanctuary
Malevolent
Maelstrom
Luddite
Subterfuge
Akimbo
Hoosegow
Dodecahedron
Visceral
Soupçon
Truculent
Vitriol
Mercurial
Kerfuffle
Sangfroid




























 







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Highlights from the Archives. Some favorite Trillian moments.

Void, Of Course: Eliminating Expectations and Emotions for a Better Way of Life

200i: iPodyssey

Macs Are from Venus, Windows is from Mars Can a relationship survive across platform barriers?
Jerking Off

Get A Job

Office Church Ladies: A Fieldguide

'Cause I'm a Blonde

True? Honestly? I think not.

A Good Day AND Funyuns?

The Easter Boy

Relationship in the Dumpster

Wedding Dress 4 Sale, Never Worn

Got Friends? Are You Sure? Take This Test

What About Class? Take This Test

A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away, There Was a Really Bad Movie

May Your Alchemical Process be Complete. Rob Roy Recipe

Good Thing She's Not in a Good Mood Very Often (We Knew it Wouldn't Last)

What Do I Have to Do to Put You in this Car Today?

Of Mice and Me (Killer Cat Strikes in Local Woman's Apartment)

Trillian: The Musical (The Holiday Special)

LA Woman (I Love (Hate) LA)

It is my Cultureth
...and it would suit-eth me kindly to speak-eth in such mannered tongue

Slanglish

It's a Little Bit Me, It's a Little Bit You
Blogging a Legacy for Future Generations


Parents Visiting? Use Trillian's Mantra!

Ghosts of Christmas Past: Mod Hair Ken

Caught Blogging by Mom, Boss or Other

2003 Holiday Sho-Lo/Mullet Awards

Crullers, The Beer Store and Other Saintly Places

Come on Out of that Doghouse! It's a Sunshine Day!

"...I had no idea our CEO is actually Paula Abdul in disguise."

Lap Dance of the Cripple

Of Muppets and American Idols
"I said happier place, not crappier place!"

Finally Off Crutches, Trillian is Emancipated

Payless? Trillian? Shoe Confessions

Reality Wednesday: Extremely Local Pub

Reality Wednesday: Backstage Staging Zone (The Sweater Blog)

The Night Secret Agent Man Shot My Dad

To Dream the Impossible Dream: The Office Karaoke Party

Trillian Flies Economy Class (Prisoner, Cell Block H)

Trillian Visits the Village of the Damned, Takes Drugs, Becomes Delusional and Blogs Her Brains Out

Trillian's Parents are Powerless

Striptease for Spiders: A PETA Charity Event (People for the Ethical Treatment of Arachnids)

What's Up with Trillian and the Richard Branson Worship?

"Screw the French and their politics, give me their cheese!"


















 
Mail Trillian here





Trillian's Guide to the Galaxy gives 5 stars to these places in the Universe:
So much more than fun with fonts, this is a daily dose of visual poetry set against a backdrop of historical trivia. (C'mon, how can you not love a site that notes Wolfman Jack's birthday?!)

CellStories

Alliance for the Great Lakes


Hot, so cool, so cool we're hot.

Ig Nobel Awards

And you think YOU have the worst bridesmaid dress?

Coolest Jewelry in the Universe here (trust Trillian, she knows)

Red Tango

If your boss is an idiot, click here.

Evil Cat Full of Loathing.

Wildlife Works

Detroit Cobras


The Beachwood Reporter is better than not all, but most sex.



Hey! Why not check out some great art and illustration while you're here? Please? It won't hurt and it's free.

Shag

Kii Arens

Tim Biskup

Jeff Soto

Jotto




Get Fuzzy Now!
If you're not getting fuzzy, you should be. All hail Darby Conley. Yes, he's part of the Syndicate. But he's cool.





Who or what is HWNMNBS: (He Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken) Trillian's ex-fiancé. "Issues? What issues?"







Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.


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Reading blogs at work? Click to escape to a suitable site!

Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains





























Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero

 
Wednesday, September 24, 2003  
Wednesday: Real Reality. Putting the Real in Reality TV.

The problem with reality TV, as regular readers will know, is that it's not real. Let me repeat for the slower members of the Universe. It's. Not. Real. Great marketing gimmick, but It's. Not. Real.

And hence Real Reality Wednesdays here at Life(?) of Trillian.

As a public service to readers, producers, Richard Branson, Simon Cowell and the entire Fox Reality Enterprise, and anyone else wanting to hire Trillian and pay her lots of money for her great ideas, we're putting the real into reality TV.

This week's installment:

Extremely Local Pub

Go to any local pub/bar anywhere in the world (small towns would play better (sic.)). Nothing glamorous or trendy, no place where Marc Jacobs, Michael Kors or Donetella regularly hang out. Or where anyone even knows who they are. Get the picture? Just an extremely local bar. Start rolling cameras around 7 PM on a Friday night. Early enough to catch people coming in after a long day/week at work.

Then just sit back and watch the madcap hilarity ensue.

At closing time, viewers at home call in and vote for their favorite drunk.

There will be regional mid-season (ratings sweep week) re-caps/behind-before the scene interviews/where are they now segments, and a season finale where the weekly winners will be flown to, oh, I don't know, Escanaba, put in a bar and left to their own devices.

The point some critics will make is: Why watch it on TV when you could go down to your own local and live it?

BUT THAT'S THE UTTER BEAUTY OF IT! (Trillian excels in Genius in Simplicity plans, in case you haven't noticed)

No one will look at the women and men and think - "wow, she's a bitch but she's really hot, I can't wait for the Jell-O shots to kick in and she gets freaky in a hot tub," or "wow, he's really stupid but mmmm, nice pecks, I hope he gets in a hot tub in the next half hour." NONE of these people have any aspirations or ulterior motives beyond going out for drinks after work. None of these people will be hoping to get noticed by a casting director and put on "A Very Special Boston Public" or Women of __________ Calendar. They're just people. People who need liquor. (the luckiest people in the world) Real people. People to whom real people can relate.

Those watching at home will think, "Hey, isn't that Bob from accounting drunk and singing I'm Coming Out? Whoa! Is that Trillian from creative services giving a lap dance? No it can't be, she has a broken...oh God. It's her. Honey? Come in here, you've got to see this! You know that woman I told you about from work? The spider loving Stooge hating vegetarian? She's on TV! You gotta see this! Where's that blank tape...oh sod it, I'll record over the season finale of Cupid..."

Who wouldn't tune in to see their colleagues, friends and neighbors drunk at a bar on hidden camera?

It's like going out after work only you don't have to go out after work. You can play along at home. And spare yourself the shame and embarrassment of actually making a fool of yourself on in public or on television. You can laugh and sympathize with the participants at the same time.

Little insider secret here: That, my friends, is the core of successful television. Humor and empathy. Make it believable, too, and you've got the best reality television show ever made.

Very regular people doing very regular things pretty much all of us have done at least once in our lives. Like innocently going out for drinks after work and ending up 12 hours later drunk and with a vague realization that you've just done something really stupid/funny/mean/?. Sometimes making fools of themselves, sometimes stumbling upon deep insight, sometimes seeing the world through beer goggles, sometimes making a love connection (usually failing) or breaking up a relationship. (that would be good for the Very Special Extremely Local Pub - "Tonight, Trillian and Cute New Guy with Cleft in Chin discuss their relationship since the lap dance. Did Trillian call him? Does he really have a fetish for handicapped women? Tune into a Very Special Extremely Local Pub tonight and find out.")

And the opportunities for shameless product placement are endless. Cha Ching! Advertisers will be lining up to throw money at the network who airs this show.

Pretty good idea, huh? I'd absolutely watch. It's got elements of all the classics: Candid Camera, Cheers, any office sit com, Love Connection, COPS...and home viewing audience participation!

It's got it all! Secrecy, voyuerism, humor, love, sex, law AND it's interactive!

It could have judges, at a corner table (getting drunk, too) or off camera, like golf announcers. All hushy voiced, "ooh, he's going to have to be careful how he plays this one, he knows he's only got one shot to make it..."

"Jane doesn't realize the coworker to whom she is complaining about work is actually sleeping with their boss. Let's listen in..."

"Bob's spectacular karaoke performance may turn out to be a pivotal personal moment - I always thought he was gay, didn't you Ron?" "Yes, John, I've heard the rumors, but thought he might just be a metrosexual, but after tonight's, um, performance I think those gay rumors have been substantiated."

"Trillian has been triple dog dared, let's watch....and what a show! We haven't seen drunken lap dancing like this since, since, well, frankly we've never seen lap dancing like this!"

"Alan's really determined to drive home tonight. What dexterity! He got the key in the ignition after only five tries! Wooooo! Look at him go! That's at least a 15 foot trail of rubber he left on the pavement! Wait...now...wait for it, wait for it...YES! Here comes Mike the local cop! Sirens really blaring tonight, Mike's really giving it his all. Yes, yes, he's got Alan pulled over. Will he pass his breathalyzer test?"

Remember the old Monty Python game show skit where they showed incriminating hidden camera shoots (a middle aged man "having lunch" with his secretary) with a timer running, the subjects of the shoots were allowed to call in and pay off the announcer to stop rolling the footage? (I love that skit - genius, pure comedic genius if you haven't seen it, look for it) That could be an angle to tap into with Extremely Local Pub, as well.

There could be a Barney-o-Meter, rate the participant's foolish drunken behavior on a scale of Barney's (from The Simpsons). One Barney being just slightly buzzed, pleasantly relaxed but not funny or stupid, to five Barney's being lap dancing with broken leg drunk.

Judges could be: Matthew McConaughey (if things got dull, he could provide live entertainment in the form of naked bongo drumming), Robert Downey, Jr. (in his Wonder Woman costume - he'd make a great Simon, eh? I just realized that...), and Paula Poundstone (Poundstone...Abdul...whatever).

Celebrity guest judges could include Bobby Brown/Whitney Houston, Charlie Sheen, Woody Harrelson, whichever Backstreet Boy just entered re-hab...

As an aside to all this drunken behavior, can someone please explain to me how it's possible for a guy who's not only been in rehab, but was taken there by Charlie Sheen, to get a gun license? I mean, if Charlie Sheen thinks you have a problem, it's got to be pretty serious. Okay, so it's Georgia, I know, there's a different, um, perspective down there. But still. Charlie Sheen took this guy to re-hab. Charlie Sheen. And now he wants a gun license. I know, I know, The Rule of I refuse to Comment or Get Involved with the Stupid Publicity Gimmicks Used by B and C and D List Celebrities, (or any "celebrity" unless they involve very good marketing technique) But. Guns and substance abuse (no matter how recreational) should never, ever mix. You'd think Jen would have learned something from her Selena role...

7:37 AM

 
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