Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.

Otherwise, hello, and welcome.
Mail Trillian here<





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Women, The Internet and You: Tips for Men Who Use Online Dating Sites
Part I, Your Profile and Email

Part II, Selecting a Potential Date

Part III, Your First Date!

Part IV, After the First Date. Now What?


"50 First Dates"






Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.

Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Find Federal Officials
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or Search by State

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Contact The Media
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Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)

Quasar
Hyperbole
Amenable
Taciturn
Ennui
Prophetic
Tawdry
Hubris
Ethereal
Syzygy
Umbrageous
Twerp
Sluice
Omnipotent
Sanctuary
Malevolent
Maelstrom
Luddite
Subterfuge
Akimbo
Hoosegow
Dodecahedron
Visceral
Soupçon
Truculent
Vitriol
Mercurial
Kerfuffle
Sangfroid




























 







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Highlights from the Archives. Some favorite Trillian moments.

Void, Of Course: Eliminating Expectations and Emotions for a Better Way of Life

200i: iPodyssey

Macs Are from Venus, Windows is from Mars Can a relationship survive across platform barriers?
Jerking Off

Get A Job

Office Church Ladies: A Fieldguide

'Cause I'm a Blonde

True? Honestly? I think not.

A Good Day AND Funyuns?

The Easter Boy

Relationship in the Dumpster

Wedding Dress 4 Sale, Never Worn

Got Friends? Are You Sure? Take This Test

What About Class? Take This Test

A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away, There Was a Really Bad Movie

May Your Alchemical Process be Complete. Rob Roy Recipe

Good Thing She's Not in a Good Mood Very Often (We Knew it Wouldn't Last)

What Do I Have to Do to Put You in this Car Today?

Of Mice and Me (Killer Cat Strikes in Local Woman's Apartment)

Trillian: The Musical (The Holiday Special)

LA Woman (I Love (Hate) LA)

It is my Cultureth
...and it would suit-eth me kindly to speak-eth in such mannered tongue

Slanglish

It's a Little Bit Me, It's a Little Bit You
Blogging a Legacy for Future Generations


Parents Visiting? Use Trillian's Mantra!

Ghosts of Christmas Past: Mod Hair Ken

Caught Blogging by Mom, Boss or Other

2003 Holiday Sho-Lo/Mullet Awards

Crullers, The Beer Store and Other Saintly Places

Come on Out of that Doghouse! It's a Sunshine Day!

"...I had no idea our CEO is actually Paula Abdul in disguise."

Lap Dance of the Cripple

Of Muppets and American Idols
"I said happier place, not crappier place!"

Finally Off Crutches, Trillian is Emancipated

Payless? Trillian? Shoe Confessions

Reality Wednesday: Extremely Local Pub

Reality Wednesday: Backstage Staging Zone (The Sweater Blog)

The Night Secret Agent Man Shot My Dad

To Dream the Impossible Dream: The Office Karaoke Party

Trillian Flies Economy Class (Prisoner, Cell Block H)

Trillian Visits the Village of the Damned, Takes Drugs, Becomes Delusional and Blogs Her Brains Out

Trillian's Parents are Powerless

Striptease for Spiders: A PETA Charity Event (People for the Ethical Treatment of Arachnids)

What's Up with Trillian and the Richard Branson Worship?

"Screw the French and their politics, give me their cheese!"


















 
Mail Trillian here





Trillian's Guide to the Galaxy gives 5 stars to these places in the Universe:
So much more than fun with fonts, this is a daily dose of visual poetry set against a backdrop of historical trivia. (C'mon, how can you not love a site that notes Wolfman Jack's birthday?!)

CellStories

Alliance for the Great Lakes


Hot, so cool, so cool we're hot.

Ig Nobel Awards

And you think YOU have the worst bridesmaid dress?

Coolest Jewelry in the Universe here (trust Trillian, she knows)

Red Tango

If your boss is an idiot, click here.

Evil Cat Full of Loathing.

Wildlife Works

Detroit Cobras


The Beachwood Reporter is better than not all, but most sex.



Hey! Why not check out some great art and illustration while you're here? Please? It won't hurt and it's free.

Shag

Kii Arens

Tim Biskup

Jeff Soto

Jotto




Get Fuzzy Now!
If you're not getting fuzzy, you should be. All hail Darby Conley. Yes, he's part of the Syndicate. But he's cool.





Who or what is HWNMNBS: (He Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken) Trillian's ex-fiancé. "Issues? What issues?"







Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.


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Reading blogs at work? Click to escape to a suitable site!

Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains





























Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero

 
Wednesday, October 29, 2003  
The California fires are serious trouble. As fantastic as the images are, they are not special effects. These are real people, with real lives completely destroyed. A lot of people. If you can spare even a dollar or two and feel compelled to make an actual difference, please give to the Red Cross.

Speaking of California, it's time for:

Reality Wednesday.
Extreme Makeover: The Day After.

Participants will subject themselves to plastic surgery/ies without telling their co-workers, colleagues, ex-boy/girlfriends, relatives they only see once a year or less...
It's Extreme Makeover Meets The Office with Behind the Scenes Barbara Walters Probing Yet Sensitive Interviews

The cameras roll and the fun begins.

We open with a background bio piece with a pretty, young urban woman. Scenes of her walking along the beach (she's introspective! see! it's perfectly thoughtful!), working out in the gym, (she's healthy! see! it's perfectly healthy!) out in a chic nightspot (she's trendy! see! it's trendy!), and in the office (it's professional! see! it's professional!). We learn, through Tara's own painful words, the tragedy and tears behind her apparent happy life. Tara, from her cozy Pottery Barn living room, wearing an oversized sweater, over an oversized cup of herbal tea, reveals that as a teenager she was teased.

"They called me all the names (sob sob)," Barbara hands her a tissue, "thank you. No, I'm okay, I can do this. I want to do this."

Pause as Tara regains composure.

"You know, kids can be so cruel. And all my girlfriends were sprouting, you know, breasts all over the place. Gym class was horrible, pure torture. My mother had bought me a bra even though I didn't need it. I wore it all the time, because I wanted to be like the other girls, hoping maybe it might help them grow. At one point I quit wearing it because I thought maybe it was preventing any growth. One day in the locker room, one of the girls, a particularly large breasted girl, took my bra and said, 'you don't need this, why do you bother?' and all the other girls were laughing. And she shot it like a rubber band, you know? how kids shoot rubber bands? She shot it like that across the locker room. I wanted to die right there, in the locker room. It was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life."

Tara chokes back sobs.

"My mother kept telling me I was just a late bloomer, but nothing happened. College wasn't much better. When I went to Daytona for spring break, MTV had this contest. You know how they have those contests? Well, all the girls I was with were entering. I knew I didn't stand a chance, what with no breasts and all, so I didn't enter. But one of the guys we hooked up with the night before thought it would be funny to enter me. They called my name, and I guess it must have been all the Jell-O Shots, or something...when they called my name and all my friends were chanting my name, I just thought, 'So what that I'm not as big as the other girls' and gathered up all my courage and went up to the stage. The MTV people were really nice to me, but the other kids, especially the guys, were just so rude. The guy who entered me was the loudest and the worst. They all thought I was such a joke. That day, on that MTV Daytona Spring Break Party stage, I decided I would get implants. I've been saving my money ever since. I've had a few set backs, what with my student loans, low paying job and shoe addiction. One doctor offered to just do one at a time, pay as you go sort of thing, but I didn't think that was right for my lifestyle. So I waited, worked as a cocktail server and I've finally saved up enough money for both breasts. Well most of it. Larry - the guy who manages the establishment where I work on weekends agreed to help pay for some of the expenses, he's really nice. He says he's seen other girls do this and their tips triple the very first night with their new breasts. I'm going to pay him back every cent with all the extra tips I get."

Cut to the surgeon's office talking to Tara. We learn that implants have garnered a bad and false reputation. That they're really completely safe. All that class action business against Dow was just a lot of feminist lashback. The surgeon, who because of his high profile clientele insists that his name not be used, his features blurred and voice altered, insists the stories of implants bursting or leaking are all urban legends. Internet hoaxes.

The surgeon has advised Tara to keep the surgery a secret. That many women will be jealous and envious of her upcoming new figure, and that he's found it's best for everyone involved if the patient "just surprises" everyone with her new enhancements. Besides, Tara feels this is a personal decision and she doesn't care what anyone else thinks about her better living through silicon choice. So to spare herself the feminist and health arguments, she tells no one, especially not the gals at the office, about her upcoming enhancement surgery. Which is what the surgeon calls the implant procedure.

(Boobs, version 2.1. Or in this case, version 69.1)

Tara feels that it will be obvious enough after the surgery and too late for anyone to try to talk her out of the surgery. This is, after all, something she's wanted for a very long time and she does not want any doubt to stand in her way.

Tara tells everyone she's going on vacation. This is not unusual, Tara typically takes a few weeks off a few times a year to get her head together and re-group. So no suspicion is aroused at the office or lounge.

We see Tara going into the operating room.

Barbara talks to Larry, who is in the waiting room.

"She's a good kid. I like to help good kids struggling to start their careers. She's good looking, all she needs are some boobs. Say what you want, but I've been in the business a long time. Boobs sell. A girl can be ugly as sin, but if she's stacked she'll bring in double or triple the tips the flatter girls get. It's a matter of economics. Hey, I'm just being honest here. A lot of people wouldn't admit this, but I'm honest. I got integrity. That's why I gave Tara the money so she could go to the best doctor in town for this. I want her to have the best. Because I've got integrity. And with her good looks, and those new boobs, she's going to be raking in the dough. And it gives me a lot of satisfaction to know I've helped her start her career and fulfill a lifelong dream."

Cut to a recovery room. Tara and Larry are talking. We hear a shriek. We hear Larry saying, "Relax baby, they always look that way at first. They'll get better. You'll see..." Barbara voices over that due to the graphic nature of Tara's current condition, we won't be seeing her for a few weeks.

Cut to Tara's living room two weeks later. Tara looks tired, but wears a snug cropped t-shirt exclaiming, "Got Milk?"

The enhancements are obvious. And further enhanced by the fit of the t-shirt.

Barbara admires Tara's joke of the t-shirt. Tara responds, "yeah (trailing)...Larry gave it to me as a little post-op present. Aren't those just the silliest ads? I love them! Milk moustaches! Have you seen the chocolate ones?!"

Barbara ignores the question. And with her special brand of sensitivity, probes into how Tara is feeling.

We learn that Tara didn't expect the process to be so painful or so ugly. But that already they're looking a lot better, really good. She's ventured out a few times and is amazed at how nice people are to her. Especially men.

Tara confides that she's very nervous about returning to the office. There are a lot of women there. Her surgeon warned her other women will be envious so she's mentally prepared, but until she's actually there she doesn't know what to expect. She's hoping the people she works with will be supportive of her new breasts.
The next day Tara returns to work. Over the weekend hidden cameras were arranged in the office. Tara arrives early. It's a chilly fall day, so she is wearing a coat as she enters the office. The people she sees greet her casually, apparently not noticing her new figure under her coat. Tara looks nervous and hurries through the office to her cube. She sighs at the work on her desk. Tara forgets herself for a moment, "You'd think someone would handle this while I'm gone."

"Morning Tara! Welcome back!" A co-worker and technically Tara's manager calls from around the corner. "Sorry about the releases - between the calls and, you know, my job, I didn't get through all of them." Voice growing closer, continues, "Donna was out sick a few days, too, if she's back today maybe she can help you..." Pause as the co-worker appears in Tara's cube. The co-worker (female) has clearly noticed Tara's new breasts but quickly regains her composure. She is a model of nonplussed reaction. "Right then. Ignore the email from Smithers and Wiggums, the legal department is dealing with them, it's a contract issue. I'm right smack in the middle of a huge project, came in early, driving creative force, you know! Welcome back, we'll catch up later."

Co-worker and technically Tara's manager is now caught on hidden camera. We see her return to her office and close her door. She sighs. "Oh swut," she says to herself, "never saw that coming. Should have. But didn't." We see co-worker feverishly scouring the internet for office etiquette on plastic surgery. Barbara voices over that this co-worker is showing sensitivity to Tara's new state of endowment and her feelings. Barbara hopes other co-workers will try to be as tactful.

Barbara's hopes are in vain.

One by one the office personnel show up for work. Many try to ignore Tara's new chest, but most are unable to manage anything other than a fixed gaze at Tara's chest.

Donna, who is unusually loud and a bit crass on a normal day, can be heard exclaiming, "What the hell are those?! How much did they set you back? Are you auditioning for that new FOX reality show?"

Darryl, from tech support, who can sniff out fresh female and apparently silicon faster than a jack rabbit is the first from another, non-related floor to show up. He pretends there was a problem with Tara's computer while she was gone. He babbles a lot of tech jargon at Tara's chest. Tara offers to leave while Darryl fixes her computer, but Darryl insists (to Tara's chest) the problem can be quickly and easily handled, the she should just sit tight while he takes a look at her C drive. Darryl insists on working over Tara's shoulder.

There is a constant parade of people past Tara's cube. People who never visit this floor are finding reasons to come by this particular area. Most are men, but, surprisingly, many are women.

The emails begin to fly.

"Did you get a load of those?!"

"Vacation my fat ass, she got a boob job."

"Does she think no one will notice?"

The remarks and critiques continue via email.

And then the boob jokes begin. They start with Darryl from tech support. Of course.

With the advent of the first boob joke, around lunchtime, co-worker and technically manager replies to everyone who has sent an email. "Yes, we've all seen them. Deal with it on a personal level. Internalize. Respect her decision and the fact that she's obviously not feeling very well. One more email or boob joke and all these previous emails get forwarded to HR. Darryl once again you prove what a sick perv you are, and you know what? This might be the end of my turning a blind eye to it. Perhaps a scan of your hard drive is in order."

Co-worker then musters up every ounce of fortitude she has and summons Tara into her office.

Tara is worried. This is revealed as she speaks into the camera on her way to co-worker's office. She has a feeling she knows what's coming. She and co-worker are not especially close, co-worker is technically her manager, and Tara likes working with her but shares little in common with her beyond work.

"Hey Tara, sit down. I think we better have a chat."

Tara sheepishly sits down.

"This is absolutely none of my business, you do not have to discuss this with me or anyone else, and please, if you feel at all uncomfortable or that I am in any way out of line, please, please tell me. This is probably as difficult for me as it is you. But I couldn't say because I'm not you. So how would I, could I know? Oh swut. Look, Tara, you've obviously had some surgery, and I am not condemning or condoning and certainly not judging. But as your technically manager and hopefully sort of a friend, and at the very least as another woman, I want you to know I am at a loss as to what I should do or say, or not, to make you feel comfortable with your new, um, enhancements. My inclination is to ignore them and keep my mouth shut. It's none of my business. But I don't want you to think I am insensitive or uncaring. See my dilemma? I think a lot of people are having the same dilemma and avoiding this area and you altogether.

"As for the others coming by to gawk, I have no comment. You've caused quite a stir. And I respect that you are keeping quiet about them, that's very dignified and exactly what I would do.

"My main concern is that it looks like you are not feeling terrific. And if you need to take more time off, please go ahead. I'll handle the calls and the releases. The key thing right now is that you take care of yourself be sure, um, things, heal properly."

Tara begins to cry.

Co-worker raises her eyes heavenward, gets up, and goes over to Tara, offers her a tissue and tells her not to be upset.

"But, but, I think I might have made a mistake. I know people are laughing at me."

"It's probably jealous women. Try to ignore them and concentrate on your work. Tara, did you think no one would notice? Did you rehearse how you would respond to the obvious reaction to them in the office?"

"No, because I mean, I don't know. I guess not. But I don't care, really, it's just this first day. I think. You're right, I'm not feeling very well."

"You shouldn't care what anyone thinks. It doesn't matter. But you have to recognize it's an adjustment for you and the rest of us who have to work with you. I think you're right, once the initial reaction wears off, no one will care. I'm more concerned about how you're feeling. That's gotta hurt."

"Yeah, they're really painful. I didn't expect that. No one told me how painful it is. And they feel really weird."

"So, they don't give you a manual or lessons or therapy or counseling with those things?"

"No," laughs a little, "I wish they would have."

"What about your family or friends? Do you have someone looking after you?"

"Larry, the guy from my other job, he's been really great."

"Okay, so you've got someone helping you. If you need anything please call me. As for the rest of the office, Tara, if you think anyone is out of line let me know. Or if you're not comfortable with that, go straight to HR. Especially if Darryl starts hanging around more than necessary. You'd never know it they way some people behave around here, but we really do have a strict sexual harassment policy. If you're up to it, let's have lunch and get you home."

Barbara is pleased with co-worker's handling of the situation. She recognizes that perhaps co-worker should not have said anything at all, but also considers the issues this is bringing up in the office and that Tara needs to know someone else is there for her if she feels harassed. Barbara further concedes this is a delicate situation and hopes this show will serve as an insightful public service to people all over the world who have to work with Extreme Makeover recipients upon their return to work.

Neither Larry or the surgeon can be reached for follow-up comment.

8:39 AM

 
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