Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.

Otherwise, hello, and welcome.
Mail Trillian here<





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Women, The Internet and You: Tips for Men Who Use Online Dating Sites
Part I, Your Profile and Email

Part II, Selecting a Potential Date

Part III, Your First Date!

Part IV, After the First Date. Now What?


"50 First Dates"






Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.

Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Find Federal Officials
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or Search by State

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or Search by State

Contact The Media
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Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)

Quasar
Hyperbole
Amenable
Taciturn
Ennui
Prophetic
Tawdry
Hubris
Ethereal
Syzygy
Umbrageous
Twerp
Sluice
Omnipotent
Sanctuary
Malevolent
Maelstrom
Luddite
Subterfuge
Akimbo
Hoosegow
Dodecahedron
Visceral
Soupçon
Truculent
Vitriol
Mercurial
Kerfuffle
Sangfroid




























 







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Highlights from the Archives. Some favorite Trillian moments.

Void, Of Course: Eliminating Expectations and Emotions for a Better Way of Life

200i: iPodyssey

Macs Are from Venus, Windows is from Mars Can a relationship survive across platform barriers?
Jerking Off

Get A Job

Office Church Ladies: A Fieldguide

'Cause I'm a Blonde

True? Honestly? I think not.

A Good Day AND Funyuns?

The Easter Boy

Relationship in the Dumpster

Wedding Dress 4 Sale, Never Worn

Got Friends? Are You Sure? Take This Test

What About Class? Take This Test

A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away, There Was a Really Bad Movie

May Your Alchemical Process be Complete. Rob Roy Recipe

Good Thing She's Not in a Good Mood Very Often (We Knew it Wouldn't Last)

What Do I Have to Do to Put You in this Car Today?

Of Mice and Me (Killer Cat Strikes in Local Woman's Apartment)

Trillian: The Musical (The Holiday Special)

LA Woman (I Love (Hate) LA)

It is my Cultureth
...and it would suit-eth me kindly to speak-eth in such mannered tongue

Slanglish

It's a Little Bit Me, It's a Little Bit You
Blogging a Legacy for Future Generations


Parents Visiting? Use Trillian's Mantra!

Ghosts of Christmas Past: Mod Hair Ken

Caught Blogging by Mom, Boss or Other

2003 Holiday Sho-Lo/Mullet Awards

Crullers, The Beer Store and Other Saintly Places

Come on Out of that Doghouse! It's a Sunshine Day!

"...I had no idea our CEO is actually Paula Abdul in disguise."

Lap Dance of the Cripple

Of Muppets and American Idols
"I said happier place, not crappier place!"

Finally Off Crutches, Trillian is Emancipated

Payless? Trillian? Shoe Confessions

Reality Wednesday: Extremely Local Pub

Reality Wednesday: Backstage Staging Zone (The Sweater Blog)

The Night Secret Agent Man Shot My Dad

To Dream the Impossible Dream: The Office Karaoke Party

Trillian Flies Economy Class (Prisoner, Cell Block H)

Trillian Visits the Village of the Damned, Takes Drugs, Becomes Delusional and Blogs Her Brains Out

Trillian's Parents are Powerless

Striptease for Spiders: A PETA Charity Event (People for the Ethical Treatment of Arachnids)

What's Up with Trillian and the Richard Branson Worship?

"Screw the French and their politics, give me their cheese!"


















 
Mail Trillian here





Trillian's Guide to the Galaxy gives 5 stars to these places in the Universe:
So much more than fun with fonts, this is a daily dose of visual poetry set against a backdrop of historical trivia. (C'mon, how can you not love a site that notes Wolfman Jack's birthday?!)

CellStories

Alliance for the Great Lakes


Hot, so cool, so cool we're hot.

Ig Nobel Awards

And you think YOU have the worst bridesmaid dress?

Coolest Jewelry in the Universe here (trust Trillian, she knows)

Red Tango

If your boss is an idiot, click here.

Evil Cat Full of Loathing.

Wildlife Works

Detroit Cobras


The Beachwood Reporter is better than not all, but most sex.



Hey! Why not check out some great art and illustration while you're here? Please? It won't hurt and it's free.

Shag

Kii Arens

Tim Biskup

Jeff Soto

Jotto




Get Fuzzy Now!
If you're not getting fuzzy, you should be. All hail Darby Conley. Yes, he's part of the Syndicate. But he's cool.





Who or what is HWNMNBS: (He Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken) Trillian's ex-fiancé. "Issues? What issues?"







Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.


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Reading blogs at work? Click to escape to a suitable site!

Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains





























Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero

 
Wednesday, October 15, 2003  
Countdown to the Case
Cubs v. Marlins


The Chicago Tribune said it better than I ever could:

The Mitt Hits the Fan

I will not comment further.





(moment of silence for the 8th inning that died last night)







Go Cubes!

No, that's not me who made the typo. That's exactly what is painted - HUGE and professionally - in a storefront window I saw last night. The painter did a bang up job, painted the bear cub really well, used the perfect shades of blue and red, got the "C" logo just right, made really swell starlight glints, and spelled it C-U-B-E-S.

"Ladies and gentlemen, your Chicago Cubes!"

For all I know it might be a math olympic team also in the final heat of playoff madness.

It's Karaoke Day! Hurrah Hurray!

It's also Reality Wednesday here at Life of Trillian. Coincidence?...or conspiracy?

Reality Wednesday

Customs Agent!

A real life look at the lives of customs agents around the world.

Show opens in the coffee room of the customs office in a major hub city.

The room is well stocked with exotic staples and decorated with artifacts from around the world.

We see the agents discussing the arrivals for the day. Some are smoking cigars (Cubans).

An agent appears wearing head to toe Prada.

"ooo-wee, girl, lookin' fine today! Is that the outfit you confiscated over the weekend?"

"You know it! When I saw that woman returning from Italy, I knew she was exactly my size. I couldn't wait to see what she bought. Trying to pass this off as under $800. Ha! She'll think twice before ripping off the US Customs Authority next time!"

Laughs all around the room.

A bell rings, over the intercom the agents are called to action to greet an arriving flight.

Cut to the arriving gate. The weary and hapless travelers are making their way off the plane (bye now! buh bye!) and weaving through the elaborate hall system of the airport customs area.

All are brandishing landing cards like medals of honor.

All have "nothing to declare."

Some have been out of the country for weeks, even months. And yet have managed to return home with less than $800 worth of goods.

The judges Columba Bush, Diana Ross (really great photo on that link), and Sir Paul McCartney observe the passengers via closed circuit camera. They comment and critique the various hiding techniques, quality and quantity of goods being brought in by the passengers. "They'll never get through with a Rolex, they ALWAYS spot a new Rolex."
"And a fur coat! Puh-leeze! That woman with the large chest better watch it!"
"The joint in with your regular cigarettes never works. The dogs. The dogs!"

At the arrivals sorting point, citizens of the country and visitors are separated. Citizens are scrutinized, asked off the wall questions, "Where'd you grow up?" "How long were you gone?" "Cubs fan?"

"Yes."

"Wrong answer! The Cubs are never going to pull this thing off! I bet you were thinking you'd make it home in time to see the end of the game. Didn't you? Well? Didn't you?!"

"Well...I was sort thinking maybe I might catch the last few innings. I don't suppose you happen to know the score?"

"Score? The score?! Do I look like WGN?"

"Um, no. I just thought maybe...."

"You thought what? You could leave the country and come waltzing back in and expect to be welcomed with the Cubs score?"

"I'm not exactly 'waltzing'"

"What's wrong with your leg? Hurt it over there?"

"Broken ankle. No, I was mugged here."

"Really? Where?"

"Subway, rush hour."

"I'm gonna have to send you over to Dave. He checks in the handicaps."

"What?"

"I didn't know you were handicapped. You gotta be searched."

The tired and hurting traveler limps over to "Dave."

Dave is not pleased to greet her. Dave was getting ready to go on break. Dave is a White Sox fan. We find this out when he asks, "Cubs fan?"

"Yes. Do you know the score?"

Breaks out in sinister laughing. "No, I don't know the 'score' because I haven't gone on my break. And I couldn't care less about the 'score' anyway."

"Sox fan?"

"Born and raised Back of da Yards."

"How nice for you."

"Yeah. It is nice for me. Except we should be watching the Sox, not the Cubs." takes a security wand over the area of the cast on the traveler's leg. Unhappy with the silence from the meter, he says, "Gotta have a look. Take it off."

The traveler complies.

Dave examines the bare leg and foot. "This is really swollen. You seen a doctor?"

"Yes, several, in fact. Thank you for your professional opinion. It's a bit worse because I just got off an 8 hour flight. AND IT HURTS. So maybe I could re-assemble my cast?"

"Yeah, go ahead. You visit any farms?"

"No."

"Out in the countryside?"

"No"

"'Cause there's mud on your shoe." Picks up the traveler's Payless shoe and points to the sole, where a 2 cm flake of dirt is caked into the tread.

"That's probably American mud," the weary traveler optimistically offered.

"You ride horses?"

"Huh? Um. No. Not lately."

"'Cause this looks like you've been in a stable."

"No. No stables." Thinking to herself, 'Friend's dog. Walked the dog in the garden. May have stepped in something. Can Dave really tell the difference between ordinary dirt and animal droppings? Can he differentiate feces species of origin? Should I mention this?' "I did walk my friend's dog. Maybe that's it."

"Mad Cow is not a joke."

"I know. I'm not laughing. But I didn't go in the country or anywhere near a farm or stable."

"It'll kill any pets you might have at home."

"I didn't go in the country or anywhere near a farm or stable. May I please have my shoe?"

Hands her the shoe.

While she's lacing up he hands her a business card. "You suddenly remember going to a farm, you call this number. Meanwhile, wipe those shoes with Pine Sol when you get home."

"Okay. Thanks."

Traveler limps to crowded baggage collection area. Another agent with a beagle is circling the crowd.

Judges, still watching on closed circuit camera, critique the baggage area. "Well lit baggage carousel. Makes it easier to spot the real from the fake." "That traveler with the broken leg...I never would have taken that. I would have given him what for."
"Dogs. The dogs. They've got dogs."

Beagle pays extra attention to an elderly woman's paper bag. Agent tells elderly woman he needs to examine her bag. "Oh, oh my, okay. Here."

"You've got FRUIT in here!" the agent yells accusingly at the elderly woman, "You signed your card, you said you didn't have any food items! This is FRUIT! FRUIT IS FOOD!"

The entire baggage area is now staring at the elderly woman and the agent and beagle.

"Oh my, I didn't think. I meant to eat it on the plane. I forgot I had it. There's an orange. I'll just throw it away."

"NO MA'AM! You cannot 'just throw it away' I need to confiscate the whole bag."

"Okay, here," flustered, the elderly woman hands him the bag.

Agent takes the bag.

Dog is now straining on his lead, trying to get to three well dressed young women waiting nervously by the carousel.

Agent continues to explain to the elderly woman that food, especially produce, from other countries, is not allowed.

Dog is now whelping, nearly breaking off his collar and lead.

The girls are trying to move away from the dog.

The agent finally notices the three well dressed girls. One is wearing leather jeans. When he has enough slack in the lead, beagle surges toward leather jeaned girl's rear end. Beagle is jumping and pawing at leather jeaned girl. Agent is mad at beagle for this and tells him to sit. Agent apologizes to young well dressed girls. Leather jeaned girl, in particular. Beagle is whimpering and won't take his eyes off leather jeaned behind.

Weary traveler with broken ankle muses that Really Big Dog from her second attack would be good at this job, while Friend's Dog would be horrible.

Judge Sir McCartney says, off camera, "Dogs. You've got to watch out for the dogs. Jet, Martha, they were good dogs. These DEA dogs are different."

Agent tries to impress young overly well dressed girls with his knowledge of dog breeds and sniffing abilities, "...now your Bassets, you can't beat them for nose, but they're lazy, see, so for my money, a Shepherd is the breed to go with. Badger here, he's good, small, wiry, yeah, Beagles are good too. But give me a Shepherd any day."

Dog cannot contain himself and jumps at leather jeaned girl.

Agent pulls dog back just before the dog bites the leather jeaned behind. Agent apologizes embarrassingly. "Must be the leather. He went after a suede jacket the other day. They train them for fur, sometimes they're just so good they go for leather, too." He then takes, rather, drags, the dog, legs and paws extended in "slam on the breaks," hold your ground mode to the other side of the carousel.

Traveler spots her lone bag and leaves the baggage area.

Long line.

While she's waiting, the three overly well dressed young girls approach. Ask if they can go ahead of traveler because they're running late, and (I kid you not) leather jeaned girl, trying to play on traveler's sympathy, says, "I really have to go. Bad." (squints up eyes, like, "oooh, ouch, gotta go")

"Yeah, it was a long flight. Long wait in customs today."

"So can we go ahead of you?"

"sure. fine. go ahead." (get to the bathroom before the beagle rips it out of you.)

The security agent notices the three girls and calls them aside. Weary traveler tries to contain her glee and smugness.

As she hands her landing card and declares an honest nothing, she sees the security agent inquiring as to the origin of several pieces of jewelry the overly dressed young girls are wearing. Overly dressed young girls appear to be nervous.

Traveler leaves but hopes justice will be served.

Had to relinquish something at US Customs? Duty Free not so free after all? To find confiscated treasures in your town, click here!

8:45 AM

 
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