Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.

Otherwise, hello, and welcome.
Mail Trillian here<





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Women, The Internet and You: Tips for Men Who Use Online Dating Sites
Part I, Your Profile and Email

Part II, Selecting a Potential Date

Part III, Your First Date!

Part IV, After the First Date. Now What?


"50 First Dates"






Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.

Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Find Federal Officials
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or Search by State

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or Search by State

Contact The Media
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Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)

Quasar
Hyperbole
Amenable
Taciturn
Ennui
Prophetic
Tawdry
Hubris
Ethereal
Syzygy
Umbrageous
Twerp
Sluice
Omnipotent
Sanctuary
Malevolent
Maelstrom
Luddite
Subterfuge
Akimbo
Hoosegow
Dodecahedron
Visceral
Soupçon
Truculent
Vitriol
Mercurial
Kerfuffle
Sangfroid




























 







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Highlights from the Archives. Some favorite Trillian moments.

Void, Of Course: Eliminating Expectations and Emotions for a Better Way of Life

200i: iPodyssey

Macs Are from Venus, Windows is from Mars Can a relationship survive across platform barriers?
Jerking Off

Get A Job

Office Church Ladies: A Fieldguide

'Cause I'm a Blonde

True? Honestly? I think not.

A Good Day AND Funyuns?

The Easter Boy

Relationship in the Dumpster

Wedding Dress 4 Sale, Never Worn

Got Friends? Are You Sure? Take This Test

What About Class? Take This Test

A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away, There Was a Really Bad Movie

May Your Alchemical Process be Complete. Rob Roy Recipe

Good Thing She's Not in a Good Mood Very Often (We Knew it Wouldn't Last)

What Do I Have to Do to Put You in this Car Today?

Of Mice and Me (Killer Cat Strikes in Local Woman's Apartment)

Trillian: The Musical (The Holiday Special)

LA Woman (I Love (Hate) LA)

It is my Cultureth
...and it would suit-eth me kindly to speak-eth in such mannered tongue

Slanglish

It's a Little Bit Me, It's a Little Bit You
Blogging a Legacy for Future Generations


Parents Visiting? Use Trillian's Mantra!

Ghosts of Christmas Past: Mod Hair Ken

Caught Blogging by Mom, Boss or Other

2003 Holiday Sho-Lo/Mullet Awards

Crullers, The Beer Store and Other Saintly Places

Come on Out of that Doghouse! It's a Sunshine Day!

"...I had no idea our CEO is actually Paula Abdul in disguise."

Lap Dance of the Cripple

Of Muppets and American Idols
"I said happier place, not crappier place!"

Finally Off Crutches, Trillian is Emancipated

Payless? Trillian? Shoe Confessions

Reality Wednesday: Extremely Local Pub

Reality Wednesday: Backstage Staging Zone (The Sweater Blog)

The Night Secret Agent Man Shot My Dad

To Dream the Impossible Dream: The Office Karaoke Party

Trillian Flies Economy Class (Prisoner, Cell Block H)

Trillian Visits the Village of the Damned, Takes Drugs, Becomes Delusional and Blogs Her Brains Out

Trillian's Parents are Powerless

Striptease for Spiders: A PETA Charity Event (People for the Ethical Treatment of Arachnids)

What's Up with Trillian and the Richard Branson Worship?

"Screw the French and their politics, give me their cheese!"


















 
Mail Trillian here





Trillian's Guide to the Galaxy gives 5 stars to these places in the Universe:
So much more than fun with fonts, this is a daily dose of visual poetry set against a backdrop of historical trivia. (C'mon, how can you not love a site that notes Wolfman Jack's birthday?!)

CellStories

Alliance for the Great Lakes


Hot, so cool, so cool we're hot.

Ig Nobel Awards

And you think YOU have the worst bridesmaid dress?

Coolest Jewelry in the Universe here (trust Trillian, she knows)

Red Tango

If your boss is an idiot, click here.

Evil Cat Full of Loathing.

Wildlife Works

Detroit Cobras


The Beachwood Reporter is better than not all, but most sex.



Hey! Why not check out some great art and illustration while you're here? Please? It won't hurt and it's free.

Shag

Kii Arens

Tim Biskup

Jeff Soto

Jotto




Get Fuzzy Now!
If you're not getting fuzzy, you should be. All hail Darby Conley. Yes, he's part of the Syndicate. But he's cool.





Who or what is HWNMNBS: (He Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken) Trillian's ex-fiancé. "Issues? What issues?"







Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.


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Reading blogs at work? Click to escape to a suitable site!

Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains





























Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero

 
Wednesday, November 19, 2003  
Reality Wednesday
Scratch Factor!

Contestants are subjected to an allergy test.

Contestants are selected based on the severity of their previous allergic reactions. The more the severe the reaction, the more likely it will be that the contestant will be chosen to participate.

The host, a doctor specializing in allergies, is aided by assistants (Nurse Betty, "James" and Colleague Doctor)

The chosen contestants are summoned to the testing location. Upon arrival they are led to a changing area, given a hospital gown and told to disrobe from the waist up. After locking up their personal items, they are led to a waiting area where they join other contestants already donned in gowns.

Contestants are called one by one to private consultation rooms.

This week's leading contestant has recently suffered a virus like reaction to an unknown substance.

An injection of Benedryl cleared up a recent "attack" and thereby established the illness as a severe allergic reaction.

The lab assistant hands the contestant an eight page form listing 123 possible allergens (and several lines for "other"). The contestant is to check yes or no as appropriate to each substance known as an allergen to the contestant and provide "known reaction" in the space provided for the substances the contestant marked "yes" as known allergens.

The contestant reads each substance with interest and intrigue. She's no stranger to allergies, so many of the substances are not surprising to her. Others, however, leave her pondering and more than a bit concerned. Anethole? Cobalt(II) chloride hexahydrate (not I, not III)? Styrax? Toluene-2,4-diisocyanate? Is this a chemistry test or an allergy test?

The doctor appears and reviews the contestant's form.

We discover the contestant has established allergies of: Dust, mold, pollen, grass, ragweed, iodine, mushrooms and avocado. Her reactions are asthma, sinus and bronchial. The doctor is concerned about the iodine allergy.

We learn the contestant discovered this allergy while undergoing a routine cat scan a few years ago. The contestant had an instant anaphylactic reaction to the intravenous iodine dye. The doctor/host voices concerns about the extent of the reaction and leaves the consultation room to bring in a colleague for a second opinion.

The contestant, already slightly uneasy about the process, is viewed on hidden camera. We see her fidgeting, eyes wildly scanning the room for a way out. The contestant has two choices: Stay and endure the challenge, or leave, dressed only in a hospital gown and trousers. This contestant decides to stay. Other contestants are weeded out at this juncture.

The doctor/host returns with another doctor/hostess. They have also brought the contestant's full medical history, containing the details of the iodine anaphylactic seizure. They ask questions of the contestant, rapid fire, about the incident.
The contestant claims she doesn't remember many details other than having an instant and severe asthma attack and then waking up in the emergency room.
The doctors/host/ess are rubbing their hands in wicked desire for details. Once the event is hashed over in great detail, the doctors/host/ess are eager to begin the scratch test. Agreeing this is the contestant they've been waiting for - regretting the contestant wasn't on a few seasons ago, because, really, this test should have been administered right after the iodine incident.

The contestant is showing signs of nervousness. The doctors/host/ess summon Nurse Betty and instruct her to prep the contestant for scratching.

Round One!
The object of this round is to catch the contestant off guard with a surprise attack.
Nurse Betty takes the usual tests: Temperature, blood pressure

Nurse Betty instructs the contestant to lie down on her stomach. The contestant obliges. The assistant opens the back of the hospital gown and rubs an ice cold liquid on the contestant's back.

Nurse Betty does not warn the contestant about the ice cold liquid. The contestant nearly levitates off the table in shock from the ice cold liquid on her back.

Round Two!
The object of this round is to introduce the weekly hunk/babe and to allow the contestant ample opportunities for either suggestive innuendoes or double entendres or to make a complete fool of themselves in front of the weekly hunk/babe.

Nurse Betty leaves and returns moments later with another lab assistant.

James.

James is very good looking. When James enters the room the background music swells to a jubilous crescendo. James puts the viewers in a young Gary Cooper meets young Paul Newman frame of mind. (Trust us. It works. He's got "it." We're the producers. We know about this sort of thing. Just sit back and enjoy the show.) The contestant is stunned and embarrassed to come face to face with one such as James under circumstances such as this. James is very pleasant without being condescending. James is wheeling in a mobile cart full of vials of liquid and gleaming medical instruments. He introduces himself to the contestant and offers his hand in a handshake, then remembers the contestant's current state of dress and apologizes, "oops, sorry, I keep doing that lately. Sorry. Bad manners."

"No, actually, good manners. Maybe bad timing, but good manners," the contestant stupidly and uncharacteristically giggles back to James.

Nurse Betty senses the contestant is attracted to James and asserts her position of power. "She's prepped and ready, doctor/host is waiting to administer the test."

James wheels the cart (Mobile Allergen Unit, or, MAU) to the contestant's side. He engages the contestant in conversation. "So, what's been giving you trouble?"

"Not sure, peanuts are suspect, but possibly traces of shellfish on something I ate."
James grimaces knowingly. "Bad stuff. We're seeing a lot of that lately. Have you had trouble in the past?"

Contestant ponders. Trouble. Hmmm. The contestant has seen her share of trouble, but not of the peanut or shellfish type, so she says stupidly and uncharacteristically, "I've really always been more of a dust/grass/mold/pollen kind of girl."

"Asthma?" James inquires.

"Don't you know it. And how."

James explains that the MAU is equipped with both oxygen and three types of the most common asthma medications. The contestant need not be concerned (Ha!) regarding possible reactions. The contestant is lulled into a stupefied sense of security by James.

Nurse Betty and the doctor enter the room.

Round Three!
The object of this round is to gross out the home viewing audience by poking the contestant with sharp devices.

James, Doctor/Host and Nurse Betty discuss the contestant's allergy history and debate the various scratch size options for optimal results but minimal reaction. They settle on two sizes. The smallest for the known allergen family, the larger for the unknown and more remote allergens. James removes two instruments closely resembling an afro pick. Yes. A 'fro pick. Several pointy prongs attached to a bar. James then systematically pokes the contestant with the 'fro pick. He reassures the contestant that in spite of how it may feel, these are microscopic pricks, no scarring will occur. He lays out a grid of dot scratches on the contestant's back.

While not exactly painful, this is not the most pleasant experience the contestant has endured. Particularly on her stomach. With one such as James.

Once James has a grid of dot scratches laid out on the contestant's back, Doctor Host announces it's time for the real fun to begin.

Round Four!
The object of this round is to produce a "controlled" allergic reaction to a substance, thus pinpointing the exact source(s) of allergy in the contestant. This is the "danger" and endurance portion of the show.

James and Doctor/Host discuss various allergen families, referring to and selecting from the various vials on the MAU. James begins the allergen introduction procedure. A trace amount of substance is placed onto the open scratch wound thus introducing the substance (and possible allergen) to the contestant's bloodstream. This is where the real danger sets in. This is where the contestant's earn their prize.
As James swabs the allergens into/onto the scratch wounds, Nurse Betty writes the substance number (with a Sharpie®) directly onto the back of the contestant, above the scratch wound where the substance has been introduced.

The contestant is already beginning to squirm. She's itchy. And scratchy. And is starting to sniffle and cough.

The very instant Control Substance 371 is applied to the scratch Doctor/Host and James recoil in shock. "My God, will you look at that!" James a bit too excitedly for the contestant's liking exclaims. Doctor/Host says, "I bet that's our culprit. How are you feeling, contestant?"

"Itchy. Scratchy. Sniffly. Coughy..."

"Look! Her eyes!" Nurse Betty interrupts.

The contestant's eyes had been burning, watering and itchy, but she didn't think it was that noticeable. Apparently she was wrong. James asks Doctor/Host if he should administer eye drops. Doctor/Host agrees. The contestant would rather have Nurse Betty do this. She doesn't want James' first up close look into what she fancies as her normally rather beguiling eyes to be under these circumstances. So she pipes up and says, "No, they're okay, I really don't like eye drops."
To some this will seem like an heroic act of gutsiness and toughness. Others will roll their eyes at the contestant's vanity under such uncomfortable circumstances.
Doctor/Host feels it's prudent to now administer oxygen to the contestant, "just in case." Nurse Betty and James hook up an oxygen tube to the contestant's nose.
Let's recap: The contestant is laid out on an exam table, on her stomach, with a systematic grid of scratches on her naked back. Allergens have been swabbed onto the open wounds. Her eyes are bulging, red and watering, she's sniffling and coughing, and the weekly hunk has just strapped an oxygen tube into her nostrils.

James continues to administer substances, Nurse Betty marking off their control numbers. Doctor/Host making detailed notes on each scratch and reaction.

And then it happens.

Round Five!
The object of this round is to put the home viewing audience on the edge of their La Z Boys, give them something to talk about at work tomorrow and to potentially kill the contestant.

The contestant has been growing ever more uncomfortable. The itches and scratches on her back have become the least of her discomforts.

The contestant is feeling queasy. The contestant is simultaneously getting dizzy. The contestant's hands are shaking. She's sweating but is freezing. The contestant is also noticing her heart rate. (right. how often apart from during strenuous exercise do you notice your heart rate?) The contestant puts up a good fight, but then when she thinks she's well past the usual breaking point and has secured first place in the endurance round, she says, "I don't feel well."

Doctor/Host says, "Nurse Betty, Benedryl!"

James produces a vile and needle from the MAU. James stabs the contestant with the needle. (It's later decided James has a "thing" for poking people with sharp pointy objects and introducing substances into the wounds.)

This is the last thing the contestant remembers before the room spun out of control and went black. Except that she may or may not have thrown up on Nurse Betty.

Round Six!
Doctor/Host is talking quickly and harshly to James. The contestant blinks her swollen eyes open as best she can (not much). Doctor/Host says, "Contestant, contestant!"

"Ummhumph?"

"You've had a reaction to a few substances. We've got it under control, but you gave us a scare. You weren't kidding you're allergic to iodine."

"I'll say," James interjects, "I don't think you should ever be within 50' of a lobster or shrimp."

"And you better avoid peanuts, in fact nuts in general. And did you know you're allergic to eggs? Potassium and lactose aren't doing you any favors, either."

The contestant has barely regained anything resembling consciousness and is trying to make herself remember this information. While trying to pretend absolutely everything is normal, that nothing untoward has happened. She's trying to remember what time it was when she started feeling ill. She can't remember. She's hoping it was only a few minutes. She then realizes she has a full mask strapped over her face (she notices this only because she hears herself breathing like Darth Vader). And two IV's attached to the backs of her hands. And she's on her back. Which really itches. And her entire body feels prickly from the inside out. And the consultant doctor/hostess is also in the room.

The doctor/host/ess are at the contestant's side asking a barrage of questions. James is slightly behind, looking concerned and hunky.

The contestant does her valiant best to be upbeat and smiley (through her oxygen mask) for the cameras, the doctor/host/ess and oh yes, James.

The contestant must pass an oxygen capacity exam and reduce her heart rate before she will be allowed to collect her prize (allergy report and prescription) and go home.

Once the contestant passes these final tests, she is led to the changing area. Reports of her scratch test reactions have filtered into the changing area. Nervous contestants timidly ask her questions and seek advice for their own scratch tests. The contestant offers her knowledge and gives a few pointers to the contestants.

Her most useful piece of advice: Be sure to ask for James.

Trillian's Scary Prophecy of Doom Alert: Meat Loaf **Not Dead Yet and Let's Hope He Stays That Way** BUT, we're a little concerned...Much as Trillian hates "power ballads," she loves Meat Loaf. Trillian has burned through two cd's of Bat Out of Hell. Trillian had a lengthy discussion wherein she not only vehemently defended Mr. Loaf to several cooler than thou music snobs who barely knew of Meat's body of work, she also did a pretty darned good rendition of Took the Words Right Out of My Mouth (explaining one need only summon their inner Meat to properly sing the song) THE NIGHT BEFORE HE COLLAPSED ONSTAGE. Meat, please, please get well soon.

3:43 PM

 
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