Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.

Otherwise, hello, and welcome.
Mail Trillian here<





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Women, The Internet and You: Tips for Men Who Use Online Dating Sites
Part I, Your Profile and Email

Part II, Selecting a Potential Date

Part III, Your First Date!

Part IV, After the First Date. Now What?


"50 First Dates"






Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.

Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Find Federal Officials
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or Search by State

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or Search by State

Contact The Media
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Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)

Quasar
Hyperbole
Amenable
Taciturn
Ennui
Prophetic
Tawdry
Hubris
Ethereal
Syzygy
Umbrageous
Twerp
Sluice
Omnipotent
Sanctuary
Malevolent
Maelstrom
Luddite
Subterfuge
Akimbo
Hoosegow
Dodecahedron
Visceral
Soupçon
Truculent
Vitriol
Mercurial
Kerfuffle
Sangfroid




























 







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Highlights from the Archives. Some favorite Trillian moments.

Void, Of Course: Eliminating Expectations and Emotions for a Better Way of Life

200i: iPodyssey

Macs Are from Venus, Windows is from Mars Can a relationship survive across platform barriers?
Jerking Off

Get A Job

Office Church Ladies: A Fieldguide

'Cause I'm a Blonde

True? Honestly? I think not.

A Good Day AND Funyuns?

The Easter Boy

Relationship in the Dumpster

Wedding Dress 4 Sale, Never Worn

Got Friends? Are You Sure? Take This Test

What About Class? Take This Test

A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away, There Was a Really Bad Movie

May Your Alchemical Process be Complete. Rob Roy Recipe

Good Thing She's Not in a Good Mood Very Often (We Knew it Wouldn't Last)

What Do I Have to Do to Put You in this Car Today?

Of Mice and Me (Killer Cat Strikes in Local Woman's Apartment)

Trillian: The Musical (The Holiday Special)

LA Woman (I Love (Hate) LA)

It is my Cultureth
...and it would suit-eth me kindly to speak-eth in such mannered tongue

Slanglish

It's a Little Bit Me, It's a Little Bit You
Blogging a Legacy for Future Generations


Parents Visiting? Use Trillian's Mantra!

Ghosts of Christmas Past: Mod Hair Ken

Caught Blogging by Mom, Boss or Other

2003 Holiday Sho-Lo/Mullet Awards

Crullers, The Beer Store and Other Saintly Places

Come on Out of that Doghouse! It's a Sunshine Day!

"...I had no idea our CEO is actually Paula Abdul in disguise."

Lap Dance of the Cripple

Of Muppets and American Idols
"I said happier place, not crappier place!"

Finally Off Crutches, Trillian is Emancipated

Payless? Trillian? Shoe Confessions

Reality Wednesday: Extremely Local Pub

Reality Wednesday: Backstage Staging Zone (The Sweater Blog)

The Night Secret Agent Man Shot My Dad

To Dream the Impossible Dream: The Office Karaoke Party

Trillian Flies Economy Class (Prisoner, Cell Block H)

Trillian Visits the Village of the Damned, Takes Drugs, Becomes Delusional and Blogs Her Brains Out

Trillian's Parents are Powerless

Striptease for Spiders: A PETA Charity Event (People for the Ethical Treatment of Arachnids)

What's Up with Trillian and the Richard Branson Worship?

"Screw the French and their politics, give me their cheese!"


















 
Mail Trillian here





Trillian's Guide to the Galaxy gives 5 stars to these places in the Universe:
So much more than fun with fonts, this is a daily dose of visual poetry set against a backdrop of historical trivia. (C'mon, how can you not love a site that notes Wolfman Jack's birthday?!)

CellStories

Alliance for the Great Lakes


Hot, so cool, so cool we're hot.

Ig Nobel Awards

And you think YOU have the worst bridesmaid dress?

Coolest Jewelry in the Universe here (trust Trillian, she knows)

Red Tango

If your boss is an idiot, click here.

Evil Cat Full of Loathing.

Wildlife Works

Detroit Cobras


The Beachwood Reporter is better than not all, but most sex.



Hey! Why not check out some great art and illustration while you're here? Please? It won't hurt and it's free.

Shag

Kii Arens

Tim Biskup

Jeff Soto

Jotto




Get Fuzzy Now!
If you're not getting fuzzy, you should be. All hail Darby Conley. Yes, he's part of the Syndicate. But he's cool.





Who or what is HWNMNBS: (He Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken) Trillian's ex-fiancé. "Issues? What issues?"







Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.


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Reading blogs at work? Click to escape to a suitable site!

Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains





























Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero

 
Saturday, December 11, 2004  
Trillian's Annual Holiday Shopping Guide
"Amazon is just another Wal Mart."

"Amazon takes money away from small, independent businesses."

"Eh, there's nothing at Amazon, it's so mainstream."

True on the first two, but as for the third, guess again. This ain't your father's Amazon. Amazon has responded to their customer suggestions, complaints and surveys and are now offering a very wide range of more obscure items. They're not promoting these things on their home pages or daily features, but if you know what you want, check Amazon because they probably have it (or a link to someone who has it). Also, don't be afraid to click on their links in the description pages of other items. You may stumble upon something you didn't know you needed or the perfect gift. And best of all, it pains me to admit this, their pricing is as good or better than you will find in stores. And then there's the sales tax. Oh the dreaded sales tax. In Illinios, and in more particularly, the City of Chicago, that sales tax can push the cost of an item over the "I don't like her that much catagory." Amazon? No sales tax. Yet.

I know, I know, this is just another form of WalMarting, I've been fighting it, too, and I do feel guilty about it. But this year I gave in - my economics are in bad shape, I have zero time for shopping, and Amazon's got some great stuff. I gave in and gave up and admitted defeat: Why would I be jostled around by crowds, be treated condescendingly (or worse) by snooty, bored, cooler-than-thou staff a the quaint and hip little boutiques down the street which are only open 11 AM - 6 PM Tuesday - Saturday when I can shop at 2 AM in my bedroom and find the same stuff for at least half the price?

To keep the quaint shops in business is the obvious answer. But there's a point where someone else's right to free enterprise is not my financial burden. If I pay double (or more) for an item at that quaint little shop or boutique down the street, are they going to return the favor by buying a week's worth of train fare and cat food (an example the recent savings I discovered on one item) for me? No? Right. Sorry, small business owners, I really am, I've stood behind you for all my product consuming years, but times are hard for me, too. If I can save at least half the price on the same item, I'm going to buy it from Amazon.

Here are a few reasons why (and a few gift giving ideas if you're having a hard time shopping this year)

Under $5
Pez. Everyone loves Pez.


Under $10
One of the indisputably best movies ever made, Bladerunner, on DVD for $7.99. Just grab it. You'll end up needing a gift for someone and this will make almost anyone happy. Sure, it's the director's cut. So what? It's $7.99.

Calendars, in general, say: I have no clue what to get you, I have no clue what you like, need or want. So I got you this calendar. I know no one really uses them anymore, what with computers and everything, and most people get planning calendars at the office, but like I said, I have no clue what to get you, so here's a nice calendar featuring a different Llama every month.

The exception is if you know a person's particular interest and you chance upon a well made (sturdy paper, quality print job, convenient size) calendar featuring photos or art or whatever of a person's particular interest then it's okay to proceed with the purchase.

I've seen some good ones this year:
Every heterosexual male on your list, who is not blind, will like this one:
Hula Honeys - featuring retro Hawaiian art of, well, Hula Honeys. This is one time where the suggestive girls really are artistically done. (I'm a woman, hear me roar, and I would not be offended, embarrassed or ashamed to have this calendar hanging in my home, and no that's not a hint, I do not actually want one, I'm just making the point that it's not offensive.) There is also a Hula Honeys postcard box which would be a nice compliment with the calendar if you're into theme gifts - Amazon will get you the calendar and postcards for under $20.

If you have a Hawaii/travel/vintage ad enthusiast on your list, you should check out Waikiki.com  (I'm especially fond of the Frank Macintosh posters) It's not all naked and coconut bra and grass skirt wearing women and lava eruptions, though, there's fun for the girls, too, check out Gill's Fisherman.)

I'm not big on ...-a-Day calendars.

But. These take the concept to another level which makes them a worthwhile under $10 investment and "fun" gift. Each day the page is ripped off and folded into a paper airplane or origami creation. Finally, the ...A-Day calendar folks are giving back to the community.

Tiny Paper Airplane-A-Day
Origami-A-Day

Nit pickers, editors and 10 year-old boys will love the Fact or Crap-A-Day calendar, yes, the game is now in ...A-Day format - give this only if you are prepared and able to deal with a year of being barraged with tests of trivial knowledge.

Gifts under $20
Kurasawa's Dreams on DVD, $14.99. This is a great gift. A lot of people haven't seen it, a lot of people have it on their "to rent" list but never do, a lot of people have seen it and love it and would love to see it again. It helps if the giftee has an artistic, thoughtful or sensitive bent to their personality, but even the most pedestrian or Neanderthallic will find themselves sucked in by the visuals. This is a "safe" gift for the office or family grab bag, it might puzzle a few people ("What the heck is this? I've never heard of it. Who's Kurasawa? Scorsese's in it? Is it about the Mob? What, they were out of  The Bourne Supremacy?") but if they bother to watch it they will thank you for the experience or at least comment favorably about your ability to find a truly different gift. Be warned, it's something people won't be expecting, and might not get around to watching until March. It doesn't mean it's a bad gift or you're a bad gifter.

Greg the Bunny - entire series on DVD. If you missed Greg during his short-lived run on Fox (thanks, American Idol Simon and Co, may you rot in a heavy metal Hell for this and other crimes of culture) you're in for a treat. If you caught an episode or two and thought you must have dreamed it because all you could find a few weeks later was American Idol, you're in for a treat. Greg, a bunny, and a puppet, lives with his human friend, Jimmy (Seth Green) who is the son of a network children's program producer (Eugene Levy). Greg and Jimmy finagle their way into positions at the network (Greg: Star of the show, Jimmy: a PA) and the madcap hilarity ensues. Greg began his career on the IFC, and the DVD has those clips as well as commentary and missing episodes. Think you know everything about Greg? Have you seen him doing a live cat in the shower? Didn't think so. Buy this for yourself or a gift for your best buddy or college aged niece or nephew.

Very Naughty Origami Just trust me on this one. If you loved last year's Pop-Up Kama Sutra, Very Naughty Origami is the book for you. This might be a nice go-with the origami a day calendar. You can also get Pornogami, bundled with Very Naughty Origami.

Here's an idea which can be a really, really super thoughtful gift. Get one of these record album frames for $10. That's the easy part. The next thing you have to do is figure out what the giftee's favorite band/album is. Of course this would mean the giftee has to like a band/album that pre-dates CDs. Then you have to chase down a copy of the vinyl album. Fortunately Amazon can help you out with that, too. They've got loads of used record resources. Since you're framing the album, the condition of the record isn't such a big deal and you can probably score a cheap copy. Beach Boys Pet Sounds is a great LP, by the way, a quick search found several good condition LPs. Album cover suggestions: Dark Side of the Moon is a stoner classic, Rush's Moving Pictures for all your Canadian/Stoner friends, Good-bye Yellow Brick Road is an amazing double LP crammed with great 70s art, Alice Cooper's School's Out is very cool, Kiss' Love Gun, Rolling Stones Flowers are classics. You can also take a trip to your local used record store/flea market and flip through the bins of old LPs. Many of the covers from the 60s are just plain weird and funny, you're bound to find something appropriate for your giftee. Happy hunting.

Who doesn't love the mindless trippy zen of Spirographing? No one. Everyone loves Spirographing. Everyone. It makes everyone feel artistic and it's great therapy and if everyone in the world had a Spirograph set we would have world peace. The new Spirograph sets, I'm sad to say, are not great. Hasbro's got some work to do on these. However, there is a really good book, a Spirograph to go set, if you will, which is great. If you haven't Spirographed since you were a kid, try it again! Try it under the influence of alcohol! Safe and fun for all ages.

I had a bad Lite Brite experience as a young child, so I'm not really down with Lite Brite. They swutting freak me out, okay? But. Other people, people who are psychologically well adjusted, love Lite Brite. The cool thing about Lite Brite is you can make any design you want, so you can spell out or design anything and have it lite up a room. Just keep that freaky lit up clown face far away from me and no one gets hurt.

Games are always a fun gift, no one thinks they want or need them, but everyone is generally happy to receive them as a gift. Stick with the classics. Mastermind is loved by many, always a popular gift, as are Battleship, Operation (love the new Shrek edition ) and Risk.

For the women on your list:
Amazon's dealing Lush products! AMAZON'S DEALING LUSH PRODUCTS! AMAZON'S DEALING LUSH!!!!!! DID YOU HEAR ME? AMAZON'S DEALING LUSH!!!! Guys, the women in your life will really, really, really be happy with a gift from Lush. I do not know one woman, not one who wouldn't love anything from the Lush line. The products are relatively inexpensive so you can get a few products and not break the budget. Girls, if you are not familiar with Lush, allow me to introduce you: Prepare to be forever changed. There are products for guys, too, Prince Triple Blossom Shaving Cream will tame your beard and leave you smooth and kissy cuddley ready. Really thick beard? Try Razorantium

Amazon is also dealing Philosophy and, Great Deal-O-Matic: Purchase $100 or more Philosophy products via Amazon and receive a $30 certificate redeemable on Amazon for anything. None of the retailers in the mall or high street are going to give you $30 to spend on Amazon.

Frownies Yes. They really work. Trust me on this, too. If you are a guy, you are not allowed to give them to your girlfriend or wife. She will a) break-up with/divorce you, b) cry, c) never, ever let you forget about the year you gave her Frownies for Christmas. However. Girls will appreciate this gift if given by a close friend. DO NOT GIVE THESE AS A GIFT TO A WOMAN WHOM YOU DO NOT KNOW WELL ENOUGH TO ADMIT/SAY, "HAVE YOU EVER TRIED THOSE FROWNIES THINGS? DO YOU SUPPOSE THEY WORK?" If you have such a friend, a good friend, a good girly girl friend, then by all means, get these and gift with pride. (Your mum will love them, too, but guys, you are not allowed to give them to your mum, either. These are girl to girl gift.) You might want to throw in a nice candle or lush product, too. These are also a great gift for the office scrooge. However, if the office Scrooge signs your paycheck, proceed with caution. (Fun office hijinx suggestion: Buy a box and pass it around the office. Whenever someone is being the office wet rag, anonymously place the Frownies on their desk. It stays there until someone else is a wetter rag and they are then passed on to that person.)

Red Devil Rubber Duck Ducky Duckie I Rub My Duckie"It's not the beak, it's the motion."
Yes. Amazon has "personal massage items." A lot of them. I'll let you do your own key word searching. But. Amazon's got Red Devil Duck for $24.95, much cheaper than I've seen him other places. Not that I've looked for him in a lot of places, mind you.

"Hmmm. That's all very interesting. But I like to give fruitcake. Fruitcake is a nice, thoughtful gift." Of course it is. And Amazon's got you covered with the best fruitcake there is: I love fruitcake, and this is the best I've had. Be quiet. I really do love the stuff. $19.99 for 2lbs is a steal. This stuff is expensive.

"Sure, Trill, those are all nice gifts. But my girl/roommate/sister's more fly than all that." No problem! Got someone on your list who likes a little bling bling? Fear not. Amazon's here to save the day. No need to troll the discount flea markets. You can bling out from the comfort of your own home. Sure to please is a personalized rhinestone belt buckle. Spell out anything your blingy will like, under 9 characters. Sort of like figuring out a vanity license plate. FLY GIRL, 2HOT4U, QT, HOTDOTCUM, H2G2, DORKONBRD. That's a lotta bling for not much cha ching. I'm hoping Santa will bring me a rhinestoned SWUT to adorn my sparkle hipster jeans. Phat!

"My friend/sibling/roommate is a style guru. I'm intimidated shopping for her/him. S/he's got such good and specific taste. I want to buy her/him something s/he'll really like, something different, an 'oh wow, I've wanted this' gift. But I'm not a style guru and I have no idea what to buy her/him." Relax. Let me give you a few ideas: Blik makes super cool wall decals. Yes. I said wall decals. But these are not My Little Pony of days of yore. (Though those are cool in a retro is new kind of way) Blik decals are completely removable and repositionable. They've got all sorts of patterns and colors. From huge dots to lines to my favorite (of course) Space Invaders. (I'm loving the reindeer and snowflakes.) Or, put a George Nelson ball or sunburst clock under the tree and watch your style cred soar. Sure, they're expensive. No one said style is cheap. You wanted to give your style guru person an 'oh wow, I've wanted this' gift - well, 'oh wow I've wanted this' gifts for style gurus don't come from IKEA or Target. George Nelson is not Michael Graves or Todd Oldham. You want to hang with style gurus, you've got to pay the price. Okay, okay, fine, for under $50 Groovetube's are a cool, stylish gift. Amazon doesn't have them, so here. Or, for $14.95 Amazon's got that really cool Eames stationery. You're style guru friends will also appreciate the timeless classic style of Spirograph.

Good for Gran: (or anyone else who has difficulty opening jars) This thing is really cool. I don't personally have trouble opening jars. But. I have some senior relatives who do. This has been a hit with them. Even my non-gadget eager aunt loves this. $32, no sales tax, free shipping. Sold. Throw in a box of ribbon candy she'll love it. She might even offer you a piece. Gran might really love a Spirograph.


$50 +
Men: You need Anthony. You just don't know it. So maybe your woman will grace you with this gift. $50 worth of grooming goodies. If you're a guy and you're saying, "ewww, I'd rather have that Sports Illustrated bloopers DVD instead." Grow up you big baby. Treat yourself to real grooming products. If you've never ventured beyond Gilette, try this and feel and see the difference. You're an adult now. Behave and shave like one. You can thank me later.

For the Diptyque o philes, Amazon has a few candles for around $48 each, a slight savings, particularly without the sales tax. (few illumecandles.com has a better selection...)

Pink Panther. Peter Sellers. Shag. Yeah, baby. The cat's back and he's packing style. This DVD box set is worth every penny of the $52.47. Target's got it a bit cheaper, but factor in the tax and you're over $52.47 in many states. The movies speak for themselves. The set also contains some of the cartoons (the Aardvark, too) and loads of commentary and trivia. And Shag packaging is super cool. You'll love it. Your parents will love it. Your hard to buy for aunt will love it.

Amazon is now handling magazine subscriptions, which is especially handy if you like difficult to find/expensive magazines from other countries. I'm talking zines beyond Harpers and Der Spiegel (Which you can get on Amazon for $310/year).

Uncut: Like music? I mean really like music? Forget Spin, Blender, Rolling Stone. Uncut.

On the less expensive end of the subscription scale is Paste Paste, 6 issues for $26.95. And each issue has a CD/DVD.

For the guys on your list:
A subscription to Bizarre magazine. Be careful with this, be sure the guy you are gifting with this monthly dose of, well, bizarre articles and photos, will be pleased to receive it. It's loosely devoted to fetishes, but, well, it's more than that. Or less. Or something. It's bizarre.

My shopping's done - tax free, free shipping and done in one stop at 2 AM. Need any more suggestions? Send me an email, I'm happy to be your personal gift idea person. Just another service we here at Life(?) of Trillian are proud and happy to offer. Might I interest you in a slightly used book?

6:58 PM

 
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