Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.

Otherwise, hello, and welcome.
Mail Trillian here<





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Women, The Internet and You: Tips for Men Who Use Online Dating Sites
Part I, Your Profile and Email

Part II, Selecting a Potential Date

Part III, Your First Date!

Part IV, After the First Date. Now What?


"50 First Dates"






Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.

Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Find Federal Officials
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or Search by State

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Contact The Media
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Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)

Quasar
Hyperbole
Amenable
Taciturn
Ennui
Prophetic
Tawdry
Hubris
Ethereal
Syzygy
Umbrageous
Twerp
Sluice
Omnipotent
Sanctuary
Malevolent
Maelstrom
Luddite
Subterfuge
Akimbo
Hoosegow
Dodecahedron
Visceral
Soupçon
Truculent
Vitriol
Mercurial
Kerfuffle
Sangfroid




























 







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Highlights from the Archives. Some favorite Trillian moments.

Void, Of Course: Eliminating Expectations and Emotions for a Better Way of Life

200i: iPodyssey

Macs Are from Venus, Windows is from Mars Can a relationship survive across platform barriers?
Jerking Off

Get A Job

Office Church Ladies: A Fieldguide

'Cause I'm a Blonde

True? Honestly? I think not.

A Good Day AND Funyuns?

The Easter Boy

Relationship in the Dumpster

Wedding Dress 4 Sale, Never Worn

Got Friends? Are You Sure? Take This Test

What About Class? Take This Test

A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away, There Was a Really Bad Movie

May Your Alchemical Process be Complete. Rob Roy Recipe

Good Thing She's Not in a Good Mood Very Often (We Knew it Wouldn't Last)

What Do I Have to Do to Put You in this Car Today?

Of Mice and Me (Killer Cat Strikes in Local Woman's Apartment)

Trillian: The Musical (The Holiday Special)

LA Woman (I Love (Hate) LA)

It is my Cultureth
...and it would suit-eth me kindly to speak-eth in such mannered tongue

Slanglish

It's a Little Bit Me, It's a Little Bit You
Blogging a Legacy for Future Generations


Parents Visiting? Use Trillian's Mantra!

Ghosts of Christmas Past: Mod Hair Ken

Caught Blogging by Mom, Boss or Other

2003 Holiday Sho-Lo/Mullet Awards

Crullers, The Beer Store and Other Saintly Places

Come on Out of that Doghouse! It's a Sunshine Day!

"...I had no idea our CEO is actually Paula Abdul in disguise."

Lap Dance of the Cripple

Of Muppets and American Idols
"I said happier place, not crappier place!"

Finally Off Crutches, Trillian is Emancipated

Payless? Trillian? Shoe Confessions

Reality Wednesday: Extremely Local Pub

Reality Wednesday: Backstage Staging Zone (The Sweater Blog)

The Night Secret Agent Man Shot My Dad

To Dream the Impossible Dream: The Office Karaoke Party

Trillian Flies Economy Class (Prisoner, Cell Block H)

Trillian Visits the Village of the Damned, Takes Drugs, Becomes Delusional and Blogs Her Brains Out

Trillian's Parents are Powerless

Striptease for Spiders: A PETA Charity Event (People for the Ethical Treatment of Arachnids)

What's Up with Trillian and the Richard Branson Worship?

"Screw the French and their politics, give me their cheese!"


















 
Mail Trillian here





Trillian's Guide to the Galaxy gives 5 stars to these places in the Universe:
So much more than fun with fonts, this is a daily dose of visual poetry set against a backdrop of historical trivia. (C'mon, how can you not love a site that notes Wolfman Jack's birthday?!)

CellStories

Alliance for the Great Lakes


Hot, so cool, so cool we're hot.

Ig Nobel Awards

And you think YOU have the worst bridesmaid dress?

Coolest Jewelry in the Universe here (trust Trillian, she knows)

Red Tango

If your boss is an idiot, click here.

Evil Cat Full of Loathing.

Wildlife Works

Detroit Cobras


The Beachwood Reporter is better than not all, but most sex.



Hey! Why not check out some great art and illustration while you're here? Please? It won't hurt and it's free.

Shag

Kii Arens

Tim Biskup

Jeff Soto

Jotto




Get Fuzzy Now!
If you're not getting fuzzy, you should be. All hail Darby Conley. Yes, he's part of the Syndicate. But he's cool.





Who or what is HWNMNBS: (He Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken) Trillian's ex-fiancé. "Issues? What issues?"







Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.


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Reading blogs at work? Click to escape to a suitable site!

Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains





























Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero

 
Friday, December 10, 2004  
Well heeled, well read and alone.
I'd like to take a moment to proudly proclaim to the world: In spite of online evidence to the contrary, I own more books than shoes.

Words alone cannot express the enormous relief I feel about that fact.
Because I was concerned.

I knew pair-wise there was no way I had more shoes that books.

But. Counting actual shoes, doubling the shoe count, gave me pause to wonder... (I'm not counting the one lone boot whose mate was stolen from my office two years ago because I am finally going to get rid of it. Yes. Finally I have accepted that it's mate is not coming back.)

I mean, I knew there was no way the shoe count could be anywhere near the book count. But still. The mere fact that there could be any pause to question the shoe:book ratio worried me. Because I'm not one of those girls, the girls with the shoe:book ratio skewed heavily on the shoe side.

I've always been bookish. Well heeled, but bookish. This has alternately pleased and bothered me over the course of my life. Five year old cute, curious, eyes of wonder Stride Rite wearing Trillian: "I love books! Reading is fun! Read me another story Mummy! No wait, let me read you a story!" (big squeals of delight); 10 year old, not so cute anymore, outcast, showing signs of social awkwardness track shoe wearing Trillian: "I didn't want to go to Julie's dumb party anyway. I'd rather read." (first sigh of disillusionment) Teenaged, gawky, ugly, orthodonticized Bally loafer wearing Trillian: "Why can't I be pretty instead of smart? Julie's not sitting home on Saturday night reading. Bitch. I'll show her. Just wait. Someday she'll be sorry she spent more time with boys than studying." (Sardonic slightly evil smile through wired teeth.); College sophomore, ugly punk art student Chuck Taylor All Star wearing Trillian: "How can you possibly discuss or understand Giacometti without having first thoroughly read Sartre's Being and Nothingness?" (I know. But shockingly, this was one time in my life when I was popular and had men eating out of my hand. Go figure. I can only assume a) all university aged boys are so desperate and horny they'll pay attention to any girl, no matter how obnoxious and ugly and b) all university aged girls are attractive to men no matter how obnoxious and ugly they are.) Grad school over "that" phase working a post punk ugly-chic look dating bona fide rock star and hanging out at better grade of bars biker boot wearing Trillian: "Schwut? Djew shay shomfing?" (hey. The liquor was free, the table was always the best, the guy was cool and handsome and don't try to tell me you would have done anything differently.) Grad school and now working girl Enzo wearing Trillian: "I wish I had more time to read, this is a really interesting treatise on the marketing and culture problem." (Fully developed sigh of disillusionment and despair over not having enough hours to work, attend grad school and read, too, wishing she'd spent less time with bona fide rock star boyfriend and more time reading when she had the chance.) Working on yet another degree at yet another job realizing she's had a bit of a dry spell since the break up with bona fide rock star boyfriend and work and grad school tired, ugly, Pliner wearing Trillian: "Books are my friends. I love reading. I don't need a man in my life. A man would only demand time and get in my way of reading everything I want to read and finishing my degree and being the woman I want to be." (Sardonic smile of empowerment fades to downcast look of sorrow.) Dating the love of her life and never been happier the world is beautiful and so am I Blahnik shod Trillian: "So what if he lives in another country and 6,000 miles across the entire Atlantic Ocean? He's wonderful and funny and smart and clever and sarcastic and he gets me and I love him and he loves me and besides I've got a lot of reading I want to catch up on anyway!" (The battle cry of everyone in a long distance relationship.) Ugly, tired, disillusioned, sad, lonely, brokenhearted bunny slippered Trillian: "Books. Books and reading. My entire swutting life has been a bi polar affair with books. And here I am again, alone with my books. I wonder what Julie's doing these days..." (I know. I really, really need to get some professional help with the Julie issue. But you don't know her, okay? You aren't me. You don't know how horrible she was to me. You don't know what it's like to be shuffled between two countries and schools and be two years younger than all the other kids in your class at school and all the other girls are growing breasts and care about boys for something other than hockey and the boys like them for reasons other than their rink prowess and realizing that being the smart one of the class isn't actually a good thing and having to sit alone at lunch and not being invited to a boy girl party because you're younger and a geek is really hard, okay? And she was a total bitch and a slut, too. She and Reneé were the meanest girls ever. Oh, and that tart of a cousin of hers, Beth. Counseling? Yeah? Counsel this.)

Ahem. I'm sure I am better read than Julie, Reneé and Beth combined. And I'm sure they think of me as being better read then they are but they don't think of that in the complimentary terms I am choosing to think of it.

I am also sure I have better shoes than Julie. Julie was never long on taste. She was the type to like things based purely on their price tag. By the time we were teenagers there were rumors about what Julie and Reneé would do for gifts. The more expensive the gift, the more/longer/different the act. Sort of like those crapalogs you get at work with different levels of gifts to choose from based on your years of service.

I also know I have a better shoe:book ratio than Julie. That alone is satisfaction enough for me. But. Those shoes. All those shoes. Do I have a problem? Is there something missing in my life, a void I am trying to fill with shoes? The books, all the books, well, duh, yes, obviously I've been filling many and varied voids with those books. I don't need counseling on that issue.

But the shoes. It's just gross excessive consumption, which is generally not my thing. Oh sure, they make me happy, I enjoy them, but is there something more going on there?

So, Ms. McMillian, how long have you been drawn to shoes? Think back, long ago, to your childhood. What is your first memory of shoes?

Well, I remember when I was young, I must have been around three-years-old and I had these brown shoes and they were sort of like closed toe sandals...

Sandals. Let's explore sandals.

Erm, well, they were sort of like sandals only not because they had closed toes. They had a strap across the top and little holes arranged in a pattern on top.

Pattern. Let's explore the pattern.

Um. The pattern. Like on my dad's wing tips. Sort of. Only different. No swirly lines of holes.

Your father, eh? Let's explore your father.

No.

I have loads more books than shoes. I'm okay. This fact has me holding my head a little higher. Because I know there are women out there, many women out there, for whom the shoe:book ratio is obviously skewed in the opposite direction as mine. Julie, for instance. Paris Hilton. Men, these are the women you want to avoid if you're seeking a long term relationship. That is unless you like a woman with more shoes than substance. (A soppy tart who will drop and give you and every other man in the room 20 if you dangle a trip to Neiman's in front of her.) These are the prima donna, live for shoes women you think we all are. Well. You think some of us are. Some of us who photograph their shoes every day.

However. You can't just blanket dismiss every woman with a skewed shoe:book ratio. She might be very well read and stylish without owning many books. She might borrow all the books she reads from the library or read books online. So you'll have to ask a few questions before eliminating her from any aspect of your life other than well heeled arm candy or fetish fulfillment. "Have you read The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time?" you might ask.

"No, I haven't. Is it good?" she might respond.

"Yes, I found it to be a thought provoking story with a creative take on the subject of Autism. Mark Haddon knows his stuff and makes strong points without preaching to the reader or being condescending to the Autistic and does so with a wit which is not trite or mean spirited," you might reply.

"What's Autism?" she might say, dangling a coy Prada mule from her toe, trying to cover her ignorance with cute seduction.

Gentlemen, you've got a non-reader on your hands. Proceed with caution if you enjoy conversations about things other than shoes and like to spend your Saturday afternoons doing things other than shoe shopping.

Or she might say, "Is it like Flowers for Algernon or Speed of Dark?" You can now sit back and enjoy time with your skewed shoe:book ratio woman safe in the knowledge that at some point in her life she has read a book and is able to grasp lateral concepts, reason and respond to something beyond a shoe sale or the latest Bruno Maglis. She probably does enjoy a good shoe sale and the latest Bruno Maglis, but she is not one dimensional in her thought process. Consider her high shoe quotient akin to your obsessive need to memorize endless, useless sports statistics. (Speaking of Autism.) Just a little quirk in her personality, just a harmless little thing she enjoys.

I am not going to reveal my, ahem, numbers, but let's just say even if I stopped acquiring books right now, I've got a lot of shoes to buy before I'm in any danger of sending the wrong message in regard to my shoe:book ratio.

Which made me wonder: Is it possible to read too much? I have spent my entire life absorbing ideas and visions and other points of view out of books, to the point of losing myself in them. Consequently I have difficulty imagining anyone not wanting to read.

Oh sure, we all know I have a little word issue, all these words uncontrollably spilling out of me. Naturally I like to read other peoples' words. I like words. Words are fun. Words can be put together to form sentences which contain a noun and a verb. Subject and action. Right there in one sentence. Sentences can be put together to form paragraphs. A bunch of subjects and actions relating to one thought or topic. Put a bunch of those together and voila! a chapter is born! The next thing you know you've got a book on your hands.

Right.

Word issues. Naturally it's difficult for me to understand how a person wouldn't want to read. But I know these people exist. I know they function in societies. I know they are not oppressed or boring or stupid.

Many of these people strongly uphold the devout opinion that they'd rather live life than read about it. I understand and applaud that point of view. If they are indeed out there living life, then yes, I would agree to a certain point, anyway. I nearly married a person of that mindset. (Hold your comments for the end of the session and just go tut tut in the other room.) Oh be quiet. He can read. And he is interesting and smart and clever and very funny and conceptual and perceptive and thinks and has ideas and all the things one usually associates with people who read books. He is not a Neanderthallic boob.

I agree with the live life rather than read about it stance. But. There's only so much living you can do at a time. Most of us have to go to work. Most of us have to pay rent or the mortgage. We're living life, all right, but not exactly the interesting, adventure packed or thought provoking lives in books. Reading fills in the gaps while we're saving up for vacation or early retirement in Tibet. It also takes us away from the drudgery of every day life. No matter how exciting your job is, there are days which are just days, when it's just work and you go home bored and unfulfilled.

Books my friend. Books will set you free.

But. Is there danger in reading too much? Yikes. Listen to me. Of course you can't read too much. Or. Well. Maybe you can. If you happen to be hiding behind books (or blogs, ahem, is it hot in here?) there's nothing bad about that, except perhaps those books have become a surrogate, vicarious life. Oh sure, you're filled with ideas and concepts and ohmygosh wasn't chapter 179 brilliant?! But maybe instead of staying in and reading next weekend, a nice long walk (in some new shoes!) would be a good idea. Maybe while you're out there living life you'll notice something or ponder about something which will cause you to want to read up on the topic. Maybe you'll go to an art museum and a painting will catch your fancy and you'll go home and read up on the artist and discover other artists and paintings and the next thing you know you're reading books about pre-war German abstract expressionism and instead of going to Florida in February you're going to Germany on a Expressions in Expressionism tour and you meet a cute guy/girl on the tour and the next thing you know you're married and opening an art gallery featuring never before exhibited because they have been hidden for 60 years paintings and you'll be living life baby, living life!

I am purging my book and shoe collections, my new apartment is smaller and I will not have space to contain my current book and shoe troves. (I'm really going to miss that wall of built in shelves...) Moving is a painful, stressful process for this reason. Stuff must be purged. Things must be thrown away. Gotten rid of. Eliminated. I know there are books I won't miss. Titles hanging around on my shelves much longer than I should have allowed. Many of them were airplane reads. I travel a lot for work. I was in a very long distance relationship for a number of years. Long plane journeys have been a fact of my life for a long time. I cannot sleep on airplanes. So I read. And typically I forget to bring a book, so I buy one at the airport. Consequently I have acquired a lot of books I might not have normally purchased or read. I'm not embarrassed of these books, after all, they were right up there with all the other books on my shelves for anyone to see or borrow (or have).

But. Jurassic Park was a mildly interesting read at best. A bunch of years ago. I have not thought about the book or certainly referred to it since originally reading it. Ditto books by contemporary female authors deemed "important." Sorry Anita, Alice and Anne, girls, I respect your efforts, and other people love you and that's great. But. There is no room for you in my new apartment and you are more saleable on eBay than some of my other headier and obscure authors.

Yes.

That's right, I'm pimping out my books on eBay. Or rather, I am attempting to pimp out my books on eBay.

I am learning the hard way, people don't buy books on eBay. I'm not trying to make money on them. I'm only trying to cover the cost of placing the auction and shipping. Give books a home rather than dump them in the community book nook at work where they will collect dust and never be read.

I have sold a few, for barely more than the cost of the auction posting. All to different people in Iowa and Ohio. Yes. Exclusively. Iowa and Ohio. And Iowa by a large margin has the higher number of bidders and purchasers. Maybe they don't have new or used book stores or libraries in Iowa.

I have also attempted to pimp some shoes on eBay. Some which I have never worn. Some which I have only worn once. I know, this is sort of gross, and I never would have attempted it if it weren't for my friends' prodding me. "Trill, you're getting rid of those?! Are you out of your mind? They're #!cking fabulous! If I could make them fit me I'd grab them so fast you wouldn't have time to regret getting rid of them! Put 'em on eBay."

So far all of the shoes I have posted on eBay have sold. For a lot of money. All of them have had more than one bidder. One auction got quite interesting in the last few minutes. And every pair of shoes I have sold has been purchased by different people in Texas. I've seen shoe stores in Texas. I know they sell shoes there. I know there are even some very trendy shoe boutiques in Austin. So why this eBay Texas shoe buying demograph?

Scarier still, to me, though, is the shoe:book selling ratio on eBay. I'm pretty much giving away books and no one except the literate people of Iowa and Ohio are even looking at the auctions. Shoes, however, are all getting viewed and bids. Could it be I have better shoes than books? Yikes. Another variable in the shoe:book ratio. No. I don't have stupid books. Well. I have a few stupid books. Maybe there's a correlation between certain authors and certain brands of shoes. Hmmm. I'll have to research this. But for now I'm okay with my personal shoe:book ratio. But I am worried about the shoe:book ratio of the rest of the world. Maybe there are more girls who have more style than substance. Maybe I should be more concerned about my bookishness. Maybe it's just a fluke, not indicative of anything.

Maybe I shouldn't worry about the world's shoe:book ratio and concern myself with my own and just stop buying so swutting many shoes, go out on Friday night instead of home to a book and a cat, and shut up about all of this. (I've finally updated 50 First Dates, by the way. Just in time for the holidays.)

Still, guys, do heed my advice regarding a woman's shoe:book ratio. That's some solid female insider advice.

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