Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.

Otherwise, hello, and welcome.
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Women, The Internet and You: Tips for Men Who Use Online Dating Sites
Part I, Your Profile and Email

Part II, Selecting a Potential Date

Part III, Your First Date!

Part IV, After the First Date. Now What?


"50 First Dates"






Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.

Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Find Federal Officials
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or Search by State

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Contact The Media
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Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)

Quasar
Hyperbole
Amenable
Taciturn
Ennui
Prophetic
Tawdry
Hubris
Ethereal
Syzygy
Umbrageous
Twerp
Sluice
Omnipotent
Sanctuary
Malevolent
Maelstrom
Luddite
Subterfuge
Akimbo
Hoosegow
Dodecahedron
Visceral
Soupçon
Truculent
Vitriol
Mercurial
Kerfuffle
Sangfroid




























 







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Highlights from the Archives. Some favorite Trillian moments.

Void, Of Course: Eliminating Expectations and Emotions for a Better Way of Life

200i: iPodyssey

Macs Are from Venus, Windows is from Mars Can a relationship survive across platform barriers?
Jerking Off

Get A Job

Office Church Ladies: A Fieldguide

'Cause I'm a Blonde

True? Honestly? I think not.

A Good Day AND Funyuns?

The Easter Boy

Relationship in the Dumpster

Wedding Dress 4 Sale, Never Worn

Got Friends? Are You Sure? Take This Test

What About Class? Take This Test

A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away, There Was a Really Bad Movie

May Your Alchemical Process be Complete. Rob Roy Recipe

Good Thing She's Not in a Good Mood Very Often (We Knew it Wouldn't Last)

What Do I Have to Do to Put You in this Car Today?

Of Mice and Me (Killer Cat Strikes in Local Woman's Apartment)

Trillian: The Musical (The Holiday Special)

LA Woman (I Love (Hate) LA)

It is my Cultureth
...and it would suit-eth me kindly to speak-eth in such mannered tongue

Slanglish

It's a Little Bit Me, It's a Little Bit You
Blogging a Legacy for Future Generations


Parents Visiting? Use Trillian's Mantra!

Ghosts of Christmas Past: Mod Hair Ken

Caught Blogging by Mom, Boss or Other

2003 Holiday Sho-Lo/Mullet Awards

Crullers, The Beer Store and Other Saintly Places

Come on Out of that Doghouse! It's a Sunshine Day!

"...I had no idea our CEO is actually Paula Abdul in disguise."

Lap Dance of the Cripple

Of Muppets and American Idols
"I said happier place, not crappier place!"

Finally Off Crutches, Trillian is Emancipated

Payless? Trillian? Shoe Confessions

Reality Wednesday: Extremely Local Pub

Reality Wednesday: Backstage Staging Zone (The Sweater Blog)

The Night Secret Agent Man Shot My Dad

To Dream the Impossible Dream: The Office Karaoke Party

Trillian Flies Economy Class (Prisoner, Cell Block H)

Trillian Visits the Village of the Damned, Takes Drugs, Becomes Delusional and Blogs Her Brains Out

Trillian's Parents are Powerless

Striptease for Spiders: A PETA Charity Event (People for the Ethical Treatment of Arachnids)

What's Up with Trillian and the Richard Branson Worship?

"Screw the French and their politics, give me their cheese!"


















 
Mail Trillian here





Trillian's Guide to the Galaxy gives 5 stars to these places in the Universe:
So much more than fun with fonts, this is a daily dose of visual poetry set against a backdrop of historical trivia. (C'mon, how can you not love a site that notes Wolfman Jack's birthday?!)

CellStories

Alliance for the Great Lakes


Hot, so cool, so cool we're hot.

Ig Nobel Awards

And you think YOU have the worst bridesmaid dress?

Coolest Jewelry in the Universe here (trust Trillian, she knows)

Red Tango

If your boss is an idiot, click here.

Evil Cat Full of Loathing.

Wildlife Works

Detroit Cobras


The Beachwood Reporter is better than not all, but most sex.



Hey! Why not check out some great art and illustration while you're here? Please? It won't hurt and it's free.

Shag

Kii Arens

Tim Biskup

Jeff Soto

Jotto




Get Fuzzy Now!
If you're not getting fuzzy, you should be. All hail Darby Conley. Yes, he's part of the Syndicate. But he's cool.





Who or what is HWNMNBS: (He Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken) Trillian's ex-fiancé. "Issues? What issues?"







Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.


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Reading blogs at work? Click to escape to a suitable site!

Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains





























Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero

 
Friday, December 17, 2004  
Who’s the Bravest of them All?
In my ongoing effort to observe and report, I endeavor to take on life and send reports to the Universe. Living life and dealing with it so you don’t have to, we always say here at Life(?) of Trillian.

It's in this spirit that I face work related required business social functions. If all those words strung together in one sentence makes no sense to you, you are the luckiest person in the world.

Because if those words in one sentence make no sense to you, you (or your girl/boyfriend/spouse) have a job which does not require you to attend social functions sponsored by business associate’s companies which are supposed to be fun but are really thinly veiled excuses for sales and marketing campaigns.

They are cleverly (and many times not so cleverly) disguised life insurance seminar-type events.

And some of us, many of us, have jobs which require us to attend these “social” “fun” events. The invitations begin arriving by mail and phone and email in November and strike fear in the hearts of those of us who “have” to attend them because our jobs/bosses/companies requires us to practice business etiquette which clearly states you must attend, make an appearance at, and stay long enough talk to the person at the sponsoring company who invited you. There is no gray area. No leeway. No getting out of it. Unless of course you want to be known as the gauche one who doesn’t follow business etiquette (not a problem for me, I’ll happily be known as the gauche one) and be stalked/plagued by calls from the associate who invited you prefaced with, “I didn’t see you at the party! We missed you!” (translation: You tacky, gauche low life, I invited you to a party with free food and booze and you didn’t bother to show up, I hate you and I am not going to cut you the deals on pricing I’ve been giving you for the past two years. In fact, a new price list is winging its way to you as we speak. Happy swutting holidays to you and your company. Happy new year. Bwa ha haaaaaaa.)

To make it palatable and intriguing and to be sure someone actually shows up, the sponsoring companies host open bars. This is a tender mercy they bestow upon their prey, erm, associates. Everything’s better with a little alcohol. Even Jim, the most obnoxious, overbearing, pushy sales person in the world is tolerable with a few drinks in you.

I’ve been able to gracefully and legitimately get out of a lot of this year’s business social responsibilities due to the fact that I’ve been out of town or working late because of an ill mother. Yes. It takes an excuse that extreme to get out of these events.

My Job is So Cool and Fun, Part IV
I attended a few functions this year. I got through them. No one’s saying I enjoyed them. For me, these events have become like a yearly doctor exam. You have to do it. If you don’t you’ll get some really horrible disease which will go undiagnosed because that’s just the way karma works. It’s not pleasant, everyone else is there for the same reason (fear and blackmail), and like you, would rather be anywhere else. One by one we take our turn (oh swut, there she is, “Hi, you! How’s it going! Great to see you! Thanks for inviting me again this year!”), assume the position (drink and hors d’ouvres clumsily held (and often dropped) while trying to shake hands), try to go to our mental happy place (HR Puffinstuff, HR Puffinstuff...), make small talk with someone who is there to do a job everyone hates (“Hi, I’m Jim. I’m in sales. I’m an obnoxious, overbearing prat! Do you have a business card? Let me put you in my PDA!”), get probed and prodded (“So, are you going to order a gross of X for the Big Client project? Let’s talk pricing after the holidays, m’kay?!”), ponder just how long this is going to take and what the heck is going on (“Party” my arse, they entice us with food and booze, we’re like lambs to the slaughter), get left alone to try to regain composure (“Oh look, there’s Suzie! Do you know Suzie? Suzie works at (much bigger company with really cool clients who have big bucks to burn)! If you’ll excuse me, I need to catch her before she leaves. Have a great time tonight!”) and then leave as quickly and quietly as possible, casting a furtive glance of sympathy to those waiting their turns. (Poor Suzie. Dear girl didn’t stand a chance.)

These parties are the same the world over. No matter where I’ve been, what company I’ve worked for, or what job I’ve had, the common theme are these obligatory holiday parties which are frighteningly similar. It’s a small world, after all.

You will be able to spot the reps from the sponsoring company because they will have decided it would be fun to wear Santa hats, elf shoes, reindeer antlers, or a crown of candles a la Santa Lucia. Some will modify their fun adornment to show their personal festivals. (No one will ever forget the dreidels hanging from an account rep's antlers at a party I attended a few years ago.) They will also be the only ones trying to talk business. They will have their PDAs and Franklin Planners and stacks of business cards at the ready.

If you are unfortunate enough to stay late into the evening, when the liquor has been flowing two hours longer than it should have, and if you are sober enough to realize/remember what’s taking place before your very eyes, you will see things no one should be forced to see. You will see grown, normally respectable people groveling for business through slurred speech. You will hear people begging for interviews at other companies through slurred speech. You will hear things about other people and companies you really don’t want or need to know. You will hear remarkable promises being made. You will see some of the sluttiest/tackiest/tightest “festive” attire become sluttier/tackier/tighter. (My all time favorite was the light up sweater worn by a young female account rep. By the end of the evening the lights were strategically placed, and let’s just say her sweater was not the only thing lit.) You will see people attempting to be discreet as they leave together, but failing badly. You will see the back ends of people as they puke in the restrooms. You will lose any respect you had for your account rep. You will realize you now have an artillery of blackmail you can use if pricing negotiations get ugly in March. But only, of course, if you remain more sober and more above reproach than the rep. Which is why the reps will try to get you more liquored up than they are. A) They want you liquor you up, loosen your lips and have their merry way with your budget, and B) They want to be the one with the blackmail if things get ugly during pricing negotiations in March. So the trick is to stay more sober than the sponsoring company reps and leave early. Fortunately learned these lessons early in my career. And here I am sharing them with you. Because I’m swell that way. Consider it my holiday gift to you. See? Observing and reporting can be helpful.

How to get through a holiday business function with your sanity and job in tact.
A) If dates/spouses are invited, take one. If you don’t have one, find one. Everyone, male and female, needs a rent-a-date in their holiday arsenal. A friend no one at the party will know, a brother or sister will work.You and your date/spouse need to form very clearly defined plans of action for leaving the party. Establish an agreed time to arrive and depart the party. On the off chance you’re both having fun and want to stay longer than the agreed upon departure time, be sure to have a signal for “I’m having a blast, I want to stay longer than an hour!” But the most important plan is your contingency evacuation plan, your “I’ve had it, we’ve got to get out of here now” contingency plan. Practice your plan well in advance of attending the party. You do not want to confuse your signals in the event of an actual “I’ve had it, we’ve got to get out of here now” emergency. A word about rent-a-dates: I have a great one. He’s gay. He’s been my rent-a-date for so long there are people who think we’re married. I’m not kidding. For girls, the great things about a gay rent-a-date is that they always look fabulous (they will own at least one tux), they will help you with your hair, make-up and clothes before the party, they always treat you better than an actual date, they can hold a gin martini almost as good as Roger Moore, they will hurl really funny catty remarks about people at the party, they will respect you in the morning, AND you can return the favor by being their beard if they should require one. Everyone wins. The hazard with a gay rent-a-date, though, is if they meet someone at the party they really like. Work out a contingency “I’ve met someone interesting let’s ditch this party now” plan with your rent-a-date for this possibility before attending the party.

B) If dates/spouses are not invited, Yeah! Instant excuse to leave early! “My husband/wife/boy/girlfriend has a party at their parents’ tonight, just wanted to stop by and say hello, happy holidays, see you next year!” If you do not have a husband/wife/boy/girlfriend, make one up. Yes. Lie. Everyone will be intrigued by your new imaginary husband/wife/boy/girlfriend, and gossip and rumors will spread like wildfire throughout the party all night all over town by noon the next day. So what? If you don’t have a husband/wife/boy/girlfriend chances are your reputation could use a little intrigue. “But what happens when I have to actually produce a real husband/wife/boy/girlfriend?” you ask, worried. Oh, silly, Relax. Holiday break-ups are so common, after the holiday party season has ended, all you have to do is make-up a break-up with your imaginary husband/wife/boy/girlfriend. And guess what? People will feel sorry for you (be sure to make yourself the innocent victim in your imaginary break-up) and will be eager to set you up with someone, probably someone from the holiday party. Hey. Trust me on this. Don’t knock it ‘til you’ve tried it.

C) Know your alcohol limits. Seriously. If you know gin martinis go straight to your head, DO NOT DRINK ONE at a business social function. Because the pain of the hangover the morning after is nothing compared to the pain of your boss’ screaming echoing in your head when s/he finds out you agreed to give all of your company’s business to the sponsor of the party, even though their prices are double that of the closest competitor. And even worse than the pain of the hangover or your boss screaming at you, is the pain of unemployment resulting from your irresponsible, drunken behavior while going beyond your alcohol limits at a business function. And no, Clintoning, Lewinsky-ing or actual sex with any business associate during or directly following a business social function IS NOT OKAY. There will be repercussions, and unless you are able/willing to face those repercussions, stay as chaste as a new born baby during these functions. I don’t care if Gina’s sweater has flashing lights on her nipples and she’s giving lap dances to all her clients. This is your time to shine as the example of decorum and proper business etiquette.

D) No matter how hard they try to get you to agree to a contract/product/meeting after the holidays, be strong and make no commitments to the party’s sponsor account rep. Smile and politely say, “The budgets on those projects are being reviewed, our client had lower revenue figures than expected so we have to trim the costs and scale down our original plan.” Feel free to embellish and add look of real serious and grave concern. This rhetoric, which may or may not be a lie, will shut up almost any rep except the most obnoxious prat who no one takes seriously anyway so it’s okay to just walk away if he persists after you make this comment. Maybe you really do want to use the party sponsor company. Fine. Great. But commit to nothing now. Stay strong. Stay courteous. Stay employed.

E) Chances are very good you will be invited to several holiday functions sponsored by competing companies. You will see most of the same people at these parties. Patterns of behavior will emerge. If you’re lucky, you might develop a relationship with a fellow business party invitee. This is good. This is very, very good. You may not realize it, but being friendly with another client of a company is a very, very good strategy. It gives you bargaining power. It gives you clout. It gives you someone to talk to at these things. And together, talking and drinking, you will be a threat to the reps at the party. They prefer to strike their prey when they are alone or with a date/spouse. A client grouped with another client can cause serious negotiating issues. If client A finds out client B is paying less for the same service/product, client A is going to be very, very difficult. So most reps will avoid stalking clients at parties who have allied themselves. It’s easy to find an ally client. Just observe who is alone and attending some of the same functions as you. March right over and introduce yourself, making it very clear you are a client and not with the party sponsor. (It should be obvious because you won’t be wearing a santa hat, elf shoes, antlers or Santa Lucia wreath.) Don’t badmouth anyone. Don’t gossip. Just be nice and talk about how you know the party’s sponsor. Trust me. Conversation will ensue.

I survived, I will survive. It’s almost over. The end is near. I see the bleak empty calendar page which is January fast approaching. And there is much rejoicing. Because I have a really cool and fun job.

1:41 PM

 
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