Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.

Otherwise, hello, and welcome.
Mail Trillian here<





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Women, The Internet and You: Tips for Men Who Use Online Dating Sites
Part I, Your Profile and Email

Part II, Selecting a Potential Date

Part III, Your First Date!

Part IV, After the First Date. Now What?


"50 First Dates"






Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.

Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Find Federal Officials
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or Search by State

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Contact The Media
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Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)

Quasar
Hyperbole
Amenable
Taciturn
Ennui
Prophetic
Tawdry
Hubris
Ethereal
Syzygy
Umbrageous
Twerp
Sluice
Omnipotent
Sanctuary
Malevolent
Maelstrom
Luddite
Subterfuge
Akimbo
Hoosegow
Dodecahedron
Visceral
Soupçon
Truculent
Vitriol
Mercurial
Kerfuffle
Sangfroid




























 







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Highlights from the Archives. Some favorite Trillian moments.

Void, Of Course: Eliminating Expectations and Emotions for a Better Way of Life

200i: iPodyssey

Macs Are from Venus, Windows is from Mars Can a relationship survive across platform barriers?
Jerking Off

Get A Job

Office Church Ladies: A Fieldguide

'Cause I'm a Blonde

True? Honestly? I think not.

A Good Day AND Funyuns?

The Easter Boy

Relationship in the Dumpster

Wedding Dress 4 Sale, Never Worn

Got Friends? Are You Sure? Take This Test

What About Class? Take This Test

A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away, There Was a Really Bad Movie

May Your Alchemical Process be Complete. Rob Roy Recipe

Good Thing She's Not in a Good Mood Very Often (We Knew it Wouldn't Last)

What Do I Have to Do to Put You in this Car Today?

Of Mice and Me (Killer Cat Strikes in Local Woman's Apartment)

Trillian: The Musical (The Holiday Special)

LA Woman (I Love (Hate) LA)

It is my Cultureth
...and it would suit-eth me kindly to speak-eth in such mannered tongue

Slanglish

It's a Little Bit Me, It's a Little Bit You
Blogging a Legacy for Future Generations


Parents Visiting? Use Trillian's Mantra!

Ghosts of Christmas Past: Mod Hair Ken

Caught Blogging by Mom, Boss or Other

2003 Holiday Sho-Lo/Mullet Awards

Crullers, The Beer Store and Other Saintly Places

Come on Out of that Doghouse! It's a Sunshine Day!

"...I had no idea our CEO is actually Paula Abdul in disguise."

Lap Dance of the Cripple

Of Muppets and American Idols
"I said happier place, not crappier place!"

Finally Off Crutches, Trillian is Emancipated

Payless? Trillian? Shoe Confessions

Reality Wednesday: Extremely Local Pub

Reality Wednesday: Backstage Staging Zone (The Sweater Blog)

The Night Secret Agent Man Shot My Dad

To Dream the Impossible Dream: The Office Karaoke Party

Trillian Flies Economy Class (Prisoner, Cell Block H)

Trillian Visits the Village of the Damned, Takes Drugs, Becomes Delusional and Blogs Her Brains Out

Trillian's Parents are Powerless

Striptease for Spiders: A PETA Charity Event (People for the Ethical Treatment of Arachnids)

What's Up with Trillian and the Richard Branson Worship?

"Screw the French and their politics, give me their cheese!"


















 
Mail Trillian here





Trillian's Guide to the Galaxy gives 5 stars to these places in the Universe:
So much more than fun with fonts, this is a daily dose of visual poetry set against a backdrop of historical trivia. (C'mon, how can you not love a site that notes Wolfman Jack's birthday?!)

CellStories

Alliance for the Great Lakes


Hot, so cool, so cool we're hot.

Ig Nobel Awards

And you think YOU have the worst bridesmaid dress?

Coolest Jewelry in the Universe here (trust Trillian, she knows)

Red Tango

If your boss is an idiot, click here.

Evil Cat Full of Loathing.

Wildlife Works

Detroit Cobras


The Beachwood Reporter is better than not all, but most sex.



Hey! Why not check out some great art and illustration while you're here? Please? It won't hurt and it's free.

Shag

Kii Arens

Tim Biskup

Jeff Soto

Jotto




Get Fuzzy Now!
If you're not getting fuzzy, you should be. All hail Darby Conley. Yes, he's part of the Syndicate. But he's cool.





Who or what is HWNMNBS: (He Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken) Trillian's ex-fiancé. "Issues? What issues?"







Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.


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Reading blogs at work? Click to escape to a suitable site!

Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains





























Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero

 
Thursday, March 24, 2005  
New lows! New lows!

Never think you have sunk as low as a human can sink. There are always new depths to reach. New pathetic regions to explore. Once you've had your heart torn out and tossed around a few times, things like pride and shame become meaningless. They're just hollow ideals.

I've fought to maintain a shred of dignity with and about HWNMNBS. It's been a struggle. But I've tried. It's one thing to be a woman scorned, another to actually act like the Hell hath no fury kind of scorned woman. I'm not that sort of woman. Though once scorned, I suspect every woman is that sort of woman. But I'm not typically that sort of woman so I try to rationalize and repress those Hell hath no fury feelings. Sometimes I'm pretty good at it. Other times not so much. But generally, you know, given the circumstances, I don't think I've embarrassed myself.

That was, until last weekend.

I'm going to share this with the class for the greater good. Read and learn, people. Do not do what I have done.

I've hit a new low. If there are deeper depths than this, I shudder to imagine them with what little remains of my dignity.

Universe: 1 soul
My Self Esteem: 0 and forfeiting the rest of the season

Gosh Trill, why are you laying your soul to bear like this? Is it really necessary?

Listen to me, please, learn from my mistakes. It's too late for me but you can save yourself.

You know how sometimes something you would normally never consider doing, wouldn't even think of doing, in fact, suddenly, for no good reason, seems like a really good idea? And you know it's not a good idea because you wouldn't normally even think about doing it. But it's compelling and maybe you've had a drink or two and it suddenly seems like a darned good idea.

Okay. Fair enough. That happens to everyone.

But thinking it's a darned good idea and actually following through with a plan and executing that plan are the new depths which should remain uncharted.

And that's what you need to learn.

No matter how good the idea suddenly seems, it's not. Definitely not a good idea.

Because the next day, or in my case, the day after the next day, you realize you actually did something really, really, really, really stupid.

Enter: My newfound emotion and apparent best friend: Regret.

Yep. One leads to another.

Or. One regret leads to behavior which causes more regret.

Geeze Trill, what'd you do? It can't possibly be that bad.

Hooo boy. Yes it is. It's the Mother of All Dumb Things You Always Regret.

Okay. Out with it. Who'd you sleep with?

Ha. If only...

No, it's a bazillion times worse than that. That can be explained away and rationalized with hormones and alcohol.

Oh no. You didn't. Aww geeze, Trillian, please tell us you didn't...


Yes. I did.

But it's not who you're thinking. Nope. I was strong. I kept HWNMNBS out of this. My HWNMNBS Free Zone remains HWNMNBS free. And really, that's not surprising or even that embarrassing. Come on, he's my best friend and I was going to marry him, I am absolved of all responsibility for irrational behavior involving him.

No. I told you. This is a new low.

Because I didn't just ring an old boyfriend. I had to ring two people, and then send and get a reply to an email to get his phone number before I could ring him.

I had to make serious effort to get in touch with him. Which would give a normal person ample opportunity to realize what they are attempting to do is a Very Bad Idea.

Even worse? By the time I got his number it was 2 AM. He's several time zones away from me, so it was 9 AM for him.

Worse than that? He wasn't surprised to hear from me. At 9 AM on a Sunday morning. I was surprised he answered his phone.

Which is the even worse part. I was expecting his voice mail and had this little speech all rehearsed. When he actually answered I was stymied and speechless and squeaked out a "Hi Old Boyfriend."

"Trillian? Hi. How are you?"

I know. 'Hi? How are you?' How the swut do you think I am? I'm ringing you in the middle of the night, after, well, a lot of years, a lot of years, no, not that many years, I'm not that old, and after a weird break-up. Obviously I'm not great.

Learn from this people, learn.

"Erm, yeah. Hi. It's me. Trillian."

"Right. Trillian. I know. You said. How are you?"

Again with the how are you?

"Well, you know, okay. You?"

"You know. Okay."

Yes. A great conversationalist. Actually, he is. Yet ironically, communication was a big problem for us. Learn people, learn.

"Great. Glad to hear it. Friend said you're going on tour..."

"Yeah, next month."

"Cool. So I was wondering if you are going to be in Chicago."

"Yeah, just signed a few more gigs. Chicago's one of them."

"Cool. So, um, you know..."

"Drinks?"

"Yeah. How about it?"

"You know I want to, Trill. I begged Friend to tell you to ring me when your wedding got canceled. Sorry about that, by the way."

"You did? Really? She never told me. Thanks. By the way."

"She's protecting you."

(He's right, she was. She never liked Old Boyfriend and was really glad when we broke up.)

"Not anymore, I guess. She had (her sister's brother-in-law) email me your phone number."

"Yeah. He rang me an hour ago to ask if it was okay to give you my number."

So much for the swearing of confidence. I'll remember that, brother-in-law of sister to Friend. I'll remember that.

"Oh. Right. Of course. You didn't seem surprised to hear from me."

"I always hoped you'd ring sooner or later."

"Turns out it was later."

"Later than you think."

"Why?"

"Is this a bootie call?"

"What? No! Swut, Old Boyfriend, you haven't changed, have you? Not one minute into the conversation and you're making accusations and assumptions. I heard you were going on tour and I thought about you and that's it, that's all, I just thought if you were going to be in town we could have drinks or dinner. You know, just talk, have some laughs. And what if it is a bootie call? So what? It's not as if you've never made bootie calls. I hate that term. When did you get all street? And now you've got me saying it. You know what, this was a really bad idea. I'm sorry I bothered you."

"No, wait, I'm sorry. It wasn't a bad idea. I would really like to see you again. Drinks. Dinner. Talk. Laughs. That's it."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Really. I've missed you. I still think about you."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"You mean think think about me?"

"Sometimes. Mostly it's just regular thinking about you. I hated our break-up. We could have done a lot better job of it than we did."

"It's never easy. It's always weird."

"I heard you're having a hard time with your fiancé."

"Ex fiancé."

"That's obvious and implied, Trill."

"Right."

"Sorry."

"It's okay."

"No it's not. I heard you've been a real mess."

That new depth I was talking about? Yeah. Right there. Your ex ex boyfriend has heard you're a mess over a break-up with someone else and he tells you he's heard you're a mess. Doesn't get much lower than that.

Worse? Okay. There is worse. Even my friends are gossiping about me and my inability to cope and rebound from a break-up. Gossiping to my ex boyfriend, no less. Lovely.

Still. It beats the office gossip about my cat.

"I have bad days and every now and then a not quite as bad day. I am functioning, though. I mean, it's just my love life that's a mess."

"Of course, good old keep it together Trill."

(ooooozing with a smarmy tone)

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing. I don't know. Nothing. It's just you."

(really, really, really, really long silence)











(you might want to go get a cup of coffee or walk the dog)












"I should go. Isn't it like three in the morning there?"

"Two"

"Right. So this is a bootie call."

(huge uproarious laughter breaks out)


(followed by a long silence)






(I think the dog needs to go out again)






"Sorry Old Boyfriend. I shouldn't have called you. I just, you know, I was just..."

"Thinking about me and ripping up your sheets with longing and passion."

"...wondering how you are, actually. That's all. Just thinking about you and being a grown-up and calling you after all these years because I couldn't think of a good reason not to."

"How about because we could never make it right and had a bad break-up and you moved on and still love him and the very second he wants to try it, again, you'll dump me like you never knew me."

(long silence)






"So I guess you heard about last Summer, too."

"Trill, it was the subject of much speculation, concern and a few wagers among those in the know. And I was in the know."

Swut you Friend and sister of Friend and brother-in-law of sister of Friend. Is nothing sacred? This is my ex ex boyfriend. You're supposed to make me sound really good when you talk to him.

That's it. I trust no one.

"Wagers? Did you bet for or against?"

"For."

(short silence of surprise)

"Really?"

"Yeah. I was hoping it would work out for you. I heard you really love the guy. I never hated you Trill. I want good things for you. I lost a lot of money on that bet."

"I'll buy you a drink."

"If you think it's a good idea, then yes. Give me your number. No promises, though Trill. Drinks. That's it. I'm on tour again. You know how that is. If it goes okay there'll be more gigs. And I'm, um..."

"Oh swut. Are you married?"

"No!"

"Seeing someone?"

"Sort of."

"Old Boyfriend, don't do to her what you did to me. If this will in any way hurt some innocent woman forget I ever called."

(Thank you. I told you I have a little dignity left. And besides, I'm not awful. Desperate. But not awful. Trillian doesn't do other women's men.)

"That depends on what this is."

"It's nothing. It's drinks when you're in town."

"So no one needs to be worried or jealous."

"Right. But if you lead her to believe she has a reason to be jealous I want no part of it."

"I don't do that crap anymore."

"Ah, a new and improved Old Boyfriend."

"Version 4.5"

"Now with more enlightenment."

(he laughs) "That's good. I'm going to use that."

"My gift to you."

"Give me something I want."

"No, Old Boyfriend, really. Especially since you're seeing someone. No way."

"Your phone number Trill, your phone number."

"Oh. Right. Okay."

So. There you have it. The ultimate depth of shamelessness. Calling the ex ex boyfriend.

Will he ring me? Probably. Will I see him when he swings through town? Probably.

Should I? No.

More regret.

And that is why you need to read and learn. Do not get yourself into a situation which is not only pathetic, but will lead to a lot of turmoil and regret.

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2:41 PM

 
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