Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.

Otherwise, hello, and welcome.
Mail Trillian here<





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Women, The Internet and You: Tips for Men Who Use Online Dating Sites
Part I, Your Profile and Email

Part II, Selecting a Potential Date

Part III, Your First Date!

Part IV, After the First Date. Now What?


"50 First Dates"






Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.

Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Find Federal Officials
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or Search by State

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Contact The Media
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Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)

Quasar
Hyperbole
Amenable
Taciturn
Ennui
Prophetic
Tawdry
Hubris
Ethereal
Syzygy
Umbrageous
Twerp
Sluice
Omnipotent
Sanctuary
Malevolent
Maelstrom
Luddite
Subterfuge
Akimbo
Hoosegow
Dodecahedron
Visceral
Soupçon
Truculent
Vitriol
Mercurial
Kerfuffle
Sangfroid




























 







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Highlights from the Archives. Some favorite Trillian moments.

Void, Of Course: Eliminating Expectations and Emotions for a Better Way of Life

200i: iPodyssey

Macs Are from Venus, Windows is from Mars Can a relationship survive across platform barriers?
Jerking Off

Get A Job

Office Church Ladies: A Fieldguide

'Cause I'm a Blonde

True? Honestly? I think not.

A Good Day AND Funyuns?

The Easter Boy

Relationship in the Dumpster

Wedding Dress 4 Sale, Never Worn

Got Friends? Are You Sure? Take This Test

What About Class? Take This Test

A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away, There Was a Really Bad Movie

May Your Alchemical Process be Complete. Rob Roy Recipe

Good Thing She's Not in a Good Mood Very Often (We Knew it Wouldn't Last)

What Do I Have to Do to Put You in this Car Today?

Of Mice and Me (Killer Cat Strikes in Local Woman's Apartment)

Trillian: The Musical (The Holiday Special)

LA Woman (I Love (Hate) LA)

It is my Cultureth
...and it would suit-eth me kindly to speak-eth in such mannered tongue

Slanglish

It's a Little Bit Me, It's a Little Bit You
Blogging a Legacy for Future Generations


Parents Visiting? Use Trillian's Mantra!

Ghosts of Christmas Past: Mod Hair Ken

Caught Blogging by Mom, Boss or Other

2003 Holiday Sho-Lo/Mullet Awards

Crullers, The Beer Store and Other Saintly Places

Come on Out of that Doghouse! It's a Sunshine Day!

"...I had no idea our CEO is actually Paula Abdul in disguise."

Lap Dance of the Cripple

Of Muppets and American Idols
"I said happier place, not crappier place!"

Finally Off Crutches, Trillian is Emancipated

Payless? Trillian? Shoe Confessions

Reality Wednesday: Extremely Local Pub

Reality Wednesday: Backstage Staging Zone (The Sweater Blog)

The Night Secret Agent Man Shot My Dad

To Dream the Impossible Dream: The Office Karaoke Party

Trillian Flies Economy Class (Prisoner, Cell Block H)

Trillian Visits the Village of the Damned, Takes Drugs, Becomes Delusional and Blogs Her Brains Out

Trillian's Parents are Powerless

Striptease for Spiders: A PETA Charity Event (People for the Ethical Treatment of Arachnids)

What's Up with Trillian and the Richard Branson Worship?

"Screw the French and their politics, give me their cheese!"


















 
Mail Trillian here





Trillian's Guide to the Galaxy gives 5 stars to these places in the Universe:
So much more than fun with fonts, this is a daily dose of visual poetry set against a backdrop of historical trivia. (C'mon, how can you not love a site that notes Wolfman Jack's birthday?!)

CellStories

Alliance for the Great Lakes


Hot, so cool, so cool we're hot.

Ig Nobel Awards

And you think YOU have the worst bridesmaid dress?

Coolest Jewelry in the Universe here (trust Trillian, she knows)

Red Tango

If your boss is an idiot, click here.

Evil Cat Full of Loathing.

Wildlife Works

Detroit Cobras


The Beachwood Reporter is better than not all, but most sex.



Hey! Why not check out some great art and illustration while you're here? Please? It won't hurt and it's free.

Shag

Kii Arens

Tim Biskup

Jeff Soto

Jotto




Get Fuzzy Now!
If you're not getting fuzzy, you should be. All hail Darby Conley. Yes, he's part of the Syndicate. But he's cool.





Who or what is HWNMNBS: (He Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken) Trillian's ex-fiancé. "Issues? What issues?"







Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.


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Reading blogs at work? Click to escape to a suitable site!

Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains





























Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero

 
Wednesday, March 09, 2005  
When You're Single, the Fun Never Ends, Part II
Single people have to shoulder the burden of life on their own. One salary. No back up. When you're single and out of work, you're it baby. There's no one pick up the slack in the household income. I know, I know, there are plenty of married couples living on one income, two people, one income, even more tricky. I know. But when that one income is gone, there are two people out there looking for work, two skill sets, one extra chance that a job will be found and income returned into the household. Plus there are all those tax incentives for married people, too.

When the IRS sees: single, never married, no children, they all (yes, the entire IRS) go out for lunch. On the single, never married, no children's taxes.

We all know this. And no, tax breaks are not a proper reason to get married.

But.

Here's something which really bothers me, and you can call me a pathetic loser, I don't care, because I know it's true.

Furry Creature had to go to the vet. Okay. No big deal.

Turns out he needed some surgery.

So instead of picking him up after work, I had to leave an hour early to meet with the vet.

You know where this is going.

I'm an adult. A professional adult. A professional salaried adult.

Who works a swutting lot of hours - early mornings, late nights, weekends - at no "extra" pay. I do this because it's my job and I am a responsible person.

Because I am a responsible person, I take care of my pet.

Who needs surgery. Which required me to leave work an hour early.

And yes, the timing is not great. Things are happening at work. Some serious things. Things which require a lot of meetings and strategizing and phone calls and emails and extra work.

But.

My pet's health v. work? Not a choice for me. Particularly since it's only one hour.

How many people in my office actually put in their prescribed 7.5 hour days? Two, maybe three, four including me.

How many people in my office never, ever work a second past their quitting time because they have to pick up their kid at day care, go to a pediatrician appointment/soccer game/band concert/parent teacher conference/etc.? All except two, maybe three, four including me.

How many people in my office make at least one extended (10 minutes or more) personal phone call a day pertaining to said kids and affiliated activities? All except two, maybe three, four including me.

How many late nights, early mornings and weekends have I worked, alone, without help, because everyone else has kids/spouses? Too many to count.

Those two, maybe three, four including me? Single, no children.

And yet the one time I need to leave an hour early because my pet had to have surgery and I have to speak with his vet and get home care instructions, I am given nothing but a lot of resistance.

Someone said: It's just a cat.

Someone else said: I hate cats.

Someone else said: My vet has weekend and late night hours.

Everyone else said: I can't stay, I have to catch a train and pick up my kid at day care.

I said: I'll remember this next time I'm getting dinner from the vending machine at 9:00 at night because I'm making the deadline you missed.

I am making a pledge to the Universe.

If you're single, you can pledge along with me.

Single Person's Office Pledge

No more late nights, early mornings or weekends for this job.

When a deadline is looming and someone is begging for help because they have to go to a child affiliated event I will say: It's just a kid.

Or: My doctor has evening and weekend hours.

Or: I can't stay, I have to feed my cat and get ready for a date and then go on that date. One of many dates because I'm single, foot loose and fancy free. How many years have you been pulling the same person? Gosh, is it 15 already? Huh. Wow. I like a little more variety than that.

When someone brings their kid who was too sick to go to school into the office because they were bad parents and didn't have back-up/emergency contingency plans for the care of their child, and didn't want to "lose a vacation day" staying home with said sick child, I will leave the office. I will simply get up and leave, citing several incidents where many people in the office fell at the same time, patient zero? A sick child brought into the office.

When someone tries to pressure me into buying insanely overpriced wrapping paper, magazine subscriptions, weird off brand candy, tins of popcorn, or any other fundraising item from their child's school, church, camp, after school club, I will say: No. I don't need or want what you're selling. Furthermore, if your child's school/church/camp/club can't suck enough money from the taxes or donations from the parents of said children, perhaps a budget re-evaluation is in order. (The exception will be Girl Scout cookies because, well, they're just really good.)

When someone whips out photographs of a child, I will whip out photographs of my cat, my date and I gettin' freaky in Vegas, and myriad photos of my shoes.

When someone has books full of wedding photographs on display, I will display photographs of all the dates I've met online.

When someone won't shut up about their child's appendectomy, I won't shut up about my father's heart surgery.

When someone shares the joy of potty training their precious child, I will share the joy of dealing with my mother's incontinence.

When someone sends me one of those "wisdom of children" emails, I will send them a raunchy joke complete with porn site links email.

When someone gives me a gift registry for an office wedding/baby shower, I will circulate a house warming/I'm too poor to buy this stuff on one income gift registry.

When someone refuses to go out of town on assignment because they are going away to celebrate their anniversary, I will send them 100 Cialis spam emails. (or CiBalis)

When someone actually goes out of town on assignment but takes their spouse and children along, on expense, I will invite my friends and a date to go with me and drink their way through the mini-bar. On expense.

When someone buys a new home and shares every step of the process with everyone in the office, I will share every minute detail of moving and apartment hunting and will loudly proclaim, "Man, 30 years. That's a long time. I don't think I could stand to live in the same place 30 years. I mean, what if you don't like your neighbors or they build a nuclear test facility a mile away or you just really hate the house? That's a long commitment. I only have a one year lease on my apartment. If I don't like it, I can move."

When someone quits because they want to be a stay at home parent or want some time off to figure out what they'd really like to do with their life and the spouse is going to support them, I will lobby to move into their office (if it has a better view and desk) and say, "Good luck with that. It's rough making ends meet on one income."

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4:18 PM

 
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