Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.

Otherwise, hello, and welcome.
Mail Trillian here<





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Women, The Internet and You: Tips for Men Who Use Online Dating Sites
Part I, Your Profile and Email

Part II, Selecting a Potential Date

Part III, Your First Date!

Part IV, After the First Date. Now What?


"50 First Dates"






Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.

Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Find Federal Officials
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or Search by State

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Contact The Media
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Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)

Quasar
Hyperbole
Amenable
Taciturn
Ennui
Prophetic
Tawdry
Hubris
Ethereal
Syzygy
Umbrageous
Twerp
Sluice
Omnipotent
Sanctuary
Malevolent
Maelstrom
Luddite
Subterfuge
Akimbo
Hoosegow
Dodecahedron
Visceral
Soupçon
Truculent
Vitriol
Mercurial
Kerfuffle
Sangfroid




























 







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Highlights from the Archives. Some favorite Trillian moments.

Void, Of Course: Eliminating Expectations and Emotions for a Better Way of Life

200i: iPodyssey

Macs Are from Venus, Windows is from Mars Can a relationship survive across platform barriers?
Jerking Off

Get A Job

Office Church Ladies: A Fieldguide

'Cause I'm a Blonde

True? Honestly? I think not.

A Good Day AND Funyuns?

The Easter Boy

Relationship in the Dumpster

Wedding Dress 4 Sale, Never Worn

Got Friends? Are You Sure? Take This Test

What About Class? Take This Test

A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away, There Was a Really Bad Movie

May Your Alchemical Process be Complete. Rob Roy Recipe

Good Thing She's Not in a Good Mood Very Often (We Knew it Wouldn't Last)

What Do I Have to Do to Put You in this Car Today?

Of Mice and Me (Killer Cat Strikes in Local Woman's Apartment)

Trillian: The Musical (The Holiday Special)

LA Woman (I Love (Hate) LA)

It is my Cultureth
...and it would suit-eth me kindly to speak-eth in such mannered tongue

Slanglish

It's a Little Bit Me, It's a Little Bit You
Blogging a Legacy for Future Generations


Parents Visiting? Use Trillian's Mantra!

Ghosts of Christmas Past: Mod Hair Ken

Caught Blogging by Mom, Boss or Other

2003 Holiday Sho-Lo/Mullet Awards

Crullers, The Beer Store and Other Saintly Places

Come on Out of that Doghouse! It's a Sunshine Day!

"...I had no idea our CEO is actually Paula Abdul in disguise."

Lap Dance of the Cripple

Of Muppets and American Idols
"I said happier place, not crappier place!"

Finally Off Crutches, Trillian is Emancipated

Payless? Trillian? Shoe Confessions

Reality Wednesday: Extremely Local Pub

Reality Wednesday: Backstage Staging Zone (The Sweater Blog)

The Night Secret Agent Man Shot My Dad

To Dream the Impossible Dream: The Office Karaoke Party

Trillian Flies Economy Class (Prisoner, Cell Block H)

Trillian Visits the Village of the Damned, Takes Drugs, Becomes Delusional and Blogs Her Brains Out

Trillian's Parents are Powerless

Striptease for Spiders: A PETA Charity Event (People for the Ethical Treatment of Arachnids)

What's Up with Trillian and the Richard Branson Worship?

"Screw the French and their politics, give me their cheese!"


















 
Mail Trillian here





Trillian's Guide to the Galaxy gives 5 stars to these places in the Universe:
So much more than fun with fonts, this is a daily dose of visual poetry set against a backdrop of historical trivia. (C'mon, how can you not love a site that notes Wolfman Jack's birthday?!)

CellStories

Alliance for the Great Lakes


Hot, so cool, so cool we're hot.

Ig Nobel Awards

And you think YOU have the worst bridesmaid dress?

Coolest Jewelry in the Universe here (trust Trillian, she knows)

Red Tango

If your boss is an idiot, click here.

Evil Cat Full of Loathing.

Wildlife Works

Detroit Cobras


The Beachwood Reporter is better than not all, but most sex.



Hey! Why not check out some great art and illustration while you're here? Please? It won't hurt and it's free.

Shag

Kii Arens

Tim Biskup

Jeff Soto

Jotto




Get Fuzzy Now!
If you're not getting fuzzy, you should be. All hail Darby Conley. Yes, he's part of the Syndicate. But he's cool.





Who or what is HWNMNBS: (He Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken) Trillian's ex-fiancé. "Issues? What issues?"







Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.


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Reading blogs at work? Click to escape to a suitable site!

Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains





























Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero

 
Tuesday, April 19, 2005  
I would like to take a minute to publicly thank whomever spammed me with Sara Freder.

Who's Sara Freder? you may be wondering.

I didn't know who she was either until last week. But now, thanks to the internet and spam, I am on a close, personal, first name basis with this charlatan.

Ms. Freder, apparently French and apparently a clairvoyant of some sort, is also apparently one of the leading charlatans of the internet. I was unaware and naive. Now I am aware and enlightened.

Ms. Freder is remarkable.

She's sent me several emails and set up two websites just for me! For your entertainment you can read them here and here.

She's caring and concerned about me. She's been having visions and doing charts and saying ruminations for me.

This annoyed me at first because I don't want people whom I do not know ruminating or having visions about me without my consent. So I ignored the emails, hit delete and never looked back.

I took a day off from work. I had grand plans none of which were accomplished. But then, really, isn't that what days off are supposed to be? One thing I did do was clean out my junk mailbox. Even with filters set on high I get an appallingly high amount of junk mail, and a lot of it slips through to my "real" mail. Which is a whole other annoyance and blog. I have to slog through my "real" mail and look at the junk in there "just in case" it's a bona fide email from someone I know. It only takes a second or two to look and delete, I know, but multiply those few seconds by the ridiculous amount of spam that slips through the filters and junk box, and looking in the junk box to be sure there is no "real" email in there and you're looking at 10 or 15 minutes a day. 10 or 15 minutes which could be spent doing something else, or nothing at all.

Ms. Freder, Sara, if I may, found her way through my high filters, through my junk box and into my "real" mail box. As I scrolled through and deleted, up flashed the most recent emails from her. That's when I realized Ms. Freder has set me up with personal web sites. Which really annoyed me. Spam is one thing, but setting up an "account," is another entirely. According to the url I'm "client" # 15121739. Client? Oh no. No way. I have never given this outfit a penny and do not like them bandying about the term client in connection with me.

Before I dashed off an irate letter (I know, I've been doing that a lot lately) I decided to gather some facts to fuel my fires of contempt and accusation.

When it comes to business, making a buck, I am pretty lenient. Do what you do to make a living, buyer beware, blah blah blah. But I cannot tolerate charlatanism. Be it the likes of Sara Freder or an organized religion, sucking money from desperate, lonely or intelligence challenged people, usually people who are in the throes of a serious dilemma or situation and emotionally weak and vulnerable, is wrong, despicable and evil. It's a con game. Period.

Ms. Freder is sort of good at what she does. I say sort of because she's gone to the trouble of writing out the usual "something good and maybe something bad is going to happen to you" enticements in elaborate yet vague text, complete with "warnings" followed with the "I can help you bring on the good and fend off the bad" routine. Lots of ideas but no details. But she does add a few leading details, enticements, whetting the appetite of those who are vulnerable to her particular brand of marketing.

Which is what this really is. She's trying to make a buck online. She took a two day marketing seminar down at the extension center and she's online and ready to make big money. I'm not faulting her for that. Free enterprise. Love it, embrace or move to North Korea.

The subjects of my personal issues are money, luck and love. Wow. She really is good, isn't she? She knows my unique challenges with money, luck and love! Because no one else has trouble with money, luck and love! Her prophecies must therefore be true! OMG! I should believe her visions! It's true! "For some reason which we do not know, a superior force has established a link between us." I better give her the $29.99 so I know what to do on May 5 and May 11! She "has discovered the root of my current problem" Indeed! She knows "exactly why Love, Luck and Fortune seem to evade me--literally!" She knows why I "have never been truly lucky in my life (or only a little)," and she knows why "Love has never been part of my life and why I have all too often lacked money…" She then says "It goes without saying that, now that she knows the root of my problems, it will now be easy to find the Appropriate Remedy." Which is "the second piece of good news" that she has for me. She comes right out and says she "holds the Answer to all of my problems…"

Apparently Ms. Freder hasn't gone to a solutions for better management seminar. If she had, she'd know there are no problems, only challenges and opportunities. Maybe the extension center will offer that weekend course next month. Or now that we're such great friends maybe she can come with me on one of my mandatory drool inducing management sessions.

Here's my issue with Sara. She's trying to be all friendly and caring and insightful with me. (Marketing tool #1: Be on the side of the consumer, be their friend, establish trust.) But in true marketing fashion, she's not going to give away the goods.

I'm no clairvoyant. But. If I had a vision, especially a vision which disturbed or touched me enough to wake up and write down the details, especially a vision which offered insight, wisdom or specific help, I would a) call my close friends and ask them to get me to a therapist ASAP, or b) run like Henny Penny to the subject of the visions and say, "I know you're going to think I'm crazy and I'm sorry for bothering you but I have to tell you about this vision I had about you. You can believe me or not, but it was so vivid I have to tell you about it. I saw you as a child, that time on the playground when Julie and her skanky cousin Beth were teasing you and waving invitations to their party in front of you and telling you that you weren't invited and that you were too young to attend a boy girl party because you still played with Barbies (man, what horrible little girls, I felt so sorry for you) and then I saw you home reading and doing stuff on your computer when the other kids were at school dances (really, I mean, no disrespect but you've cultivated this pathetic lifestyle of yours, if you'd just not be such a nerd all the time) and then I saw you having a really good time at what appeared to be a university and then another one and then another one (sheesh, even I was getting bored with this vision, I mean, how much school do you really need? Still, it looked like fun) and then there was this guy and he ohmygosh he had the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen and a tooth that was slightly out of align and sometimes caught his lower lip when he spoke and then I saw you crying a lot (wow, yeah, in my vision I was crying, too, it seemed really sad, it looked like you two were really close) and then, here's the important part, on May 5 you need to stay away from speeding trains and be sure to go to a bar dimly lit by cobalt blue lights where they serve Belvedere but you need to order a Christiania martini and when a guy walks by from the men's room be sure to give him a coy look and, oh yeah, be sure to wear that skirt with the high slit and really killer heels and show a little leg when the guy walks by because this man will change your life for the better. He is going to keep you in martinis and shoes and a lot of other things so, yeah, that was my vision. I know it sounds crazy but what could it hurt to go out on May 5 and have a drink?"

That's what I would do. Free of charge. Wouldn't you? It never hurts to help. But charging money or making ridiculous promises (in exchange for money) does hurt. I know, I know, I'm not prone to visions and I don't go around getting grand ideas about how other people should live their lives. So maybe I don't understand all the ins and outs of clairvoyancey. Maybe there needs to be an exchange of money for the advice to work. But, I mean, my childhood friend's Ouija board always gave us really good advice and never asked for money.

Then again, Sara is offering "a radically new solution...one which was best suited to my particular needs." Because the advice other people gave "could not be of any help in my particular case as the problem which is plaguing me is so unusual and extraordinary." Wow. See. Sara is insightful. All this time I thought I was just another lovelorn disillusioned person with an unrequited love trying to earn a living at a job I hate to keep a roof over my head and food in the cat bowl. I thought everyone was like that at some point in their lives. I thought this was all just, you know, life. Good thing I met Sara, just in the nick of time, too, because she is the person able to help me with my unique and special problems. That is if I give her my consent. And $29.95.

I can't wait for my life to change. Apparently neither can Sara. And lucky for us, in just a few short weeks things are really going to be looking up for me!

Meanwhile, if you know you are particularly vulnerable to charlatans, if you have ever found yourself fleeced of any amount of money after being promised quick and easy solutions to serious or heartbreaking issues, please, please, please think twice before handing over another penny to anyone.

Those extension centers which offer courses in marketing should simultaneously offer courses in avoiding scams. Here's my crash course, free of charge. If someone can and wants to help you, if they truly have your best interest in their heart, they will not even consider asking or taking money from you.

If you're sitting there thinking, "but what about church, they need money to continue their ministry..." True enough, but if you truly do not have money to give, and a church makes you feel guilty or shameful (passing the offering plate for all the community to see comes to mind) for not giving money, you might want to take a walk on the Trillian side of organized religion for an afternoon. WWJD? Don't ask me, ask someone in the know about things religious. But I am quite certain Jesus didn't go around making promises but only following through with those who gave him money.

"But what about my trained therapist? They make me pay or hand over my insurance card...." True enough, but most trained therapists do not offer quick and easy solutions to difficult and heartbreaking issues. (I know, I know, that's so they can make more money. What's the joke about a therapist's best patient? A lawyer: They never get better and never run out of money.) A therapist who is honest and reputable will not take your money or your business if they cannot help you or if you are in need of a 12 step program. Do your research, don't go to just any psychologist or psychiatrist, and if you don't like them, don't go back, don't pay them another dime.

Basically it comes down to thinking twice before you take out your wallet. Because once that wallet's out, there's no turning back. If you've been fleeced by a con artist charading as a healer or helper in the past, stay away from them. Don't go to the revival, don't go to the palm/tarot/aura reader, even on a lark with friends, do not click that button online. And most of all, please, I'm begging you, do not forward any email to me which promises good things if you do, and bad things if you do not. Even if there is no money involved. I'll take my chances that the angels will or will not bless me, my friends will or will not hate me whether or not I receive and forward that email. And if you think forwarding that email to at least ten of your friends is going to bring you happiness and friends, guess again. It's going to bring you a lot of sadness when your friends put your email address on their block list because you send them chain letters. Yes. Those angel/kitten/puppy/are you a friend emails are chain letters. They are illegal in the US. You can read more about them here.

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