Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.

Otherwise, hello, and welcome.
Mail Trillian here<





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Women, The Internet and You: Tips for Men Who Use Online Dating Sites
Part I, Your Profile and Email

Part II, Selecting a Potential Date

Part III, Your First Date!

Part IV, After the First Date. Now What?


"50 First Dates"






Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.

Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Find Federal Officials
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or Search by State

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Contact The Media
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Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)

Quasar
Hyperbole
Amenable
Taciturn
Ennui
Prophetic
Tawdry
Hubris
Ethereal
Syzygy
Umbrageous
Twerp
Sluice
Omnipotent
Sanctuary
Malevolent
Maelstrom
Luddite
Subterfuge
Akimbo
Hoosegow
Dodecahedron
Visceral
Soupçon
Truculent
Vitriol
Mercurial
Kerfuffle
Sangfroid




























 







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Highlights from the Archives. Some favorite Trillian moments.

Void, Of Course: Eliminating Expectations and Emotions for a Better Way of Life

200i: iPodyssey

Macs Are from Venus, Windows is from Mars Can a relationship survive across platform barriers?
Jerking Off

Get A Job

Office Church Ladies: A Fieldguide

'Cause I'm a Blonde

True? Honestly? I think not.

A Good Day AND Funyuns?

The Easter Boy

Relationship in the Dumpster

Wedding Dress 4 Sale, Never Worn

Got Friends? Are You Sure? Take This Test

What About Class? Take This Test

A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away, There Was a Really Bad Movie

May Your Alchemical Process be Complete. Rob Roy Recipe

Good Thing She's Not in a Good Mood Very Often (We Knew it Wouldn't Last)

What Do I Have to Do to Put You in this Car Today?

Of Mice and Me (Killer Cat Strikes in Local Woman's Apartment)

Trillian: The Musical (The Holiday Special)

LA Woman (I Love (Hate) LA)

It is my Cultureth
...and it would suit-eth me kindly to speak-eth in such mannered tongue

Slanglish

It's a Little Bit Me, It's a Little Bit You
Blogging a Legacy for Future Generations


Parents Visiting? Use Trillian's Mantra!

Ghosts of Christmas Past: Mod Hair Ken

Caught Blogging by Mom, Boss or Other

2003 Holiday Sho-Lo/Mullet Awards

Crullers, The Beer Store and Other Saintly Places

Come on Out of that Doghouse! It's a Sunshine Day!

"...I had no idea our CEO is actually Paula Abdul in disguise."

Lap Dance of the Cripple

Of Muppets and American Idols
"I said happier place, not crappier place!"

Finally Off Crutches, Trillian is Emancipated

Payless? Trillian? Shoe Confessions

Reality Wednesday: Extremely Local Pub

Reality Wednesday: Backstage Staging Zone (The Sweater Blog)

The Night Secret Agent Man Shot My Dad

To Dream the Impossible Dream: The Office Karaoke Party

Trillian Flies Economy Class (Prisoner, Cell Block H)

Trillian Visits the Village of the Damned, Takes Drugs, Becomes Delusional and Blogs Her Brains Out

Trillian's Parents are Powerless

Striptease for Spiders: A PETA Charity Event (People for the Ethical Treatment of Arachnids)

What's Up with Trillian and the Richard Branson Worship?

"Screw the French and their politics, give me their cheese!"


















 
Mail Trillian here





Trillian's Guide to the Galaxy gives 5 stars to these places in the Universe:
So much more than fun with fonts, this is a daily dose of visual poetry set against a backdrop of historical trivia. (C'mon, how can you not love a site that notes Wolfman Jack's birthday?!)

CellStories

Alliance for the Great Lakes


Hot, so cool, so cool we're hot.

Ig Nobel Awards

And you think YOU have the worst bridesmaid dress?

Coolest Jewelry in the Universe here (trust Trillian, she knows)

Red Tango

If your boss is an idiot, click here.

Evil Cat Full of Loathing.

Wildlife Works

Detroit Cobras


The Beachwood Reporter is better than not all, but most sex.



Hey! Why not check out some great art and illustration while you're here? Please? It won't hurt and it's free.

Shag

Kii Arens

Tim Biskup

Jeff Soto

Jotto




Get Fuzzy Now!
If you're not getting fuzzy, you should be. All hail Darby Conley. Yes, he's part of the Syndicate. But he's cool.





Who or what is HWNMNBS: (He Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken) Trillian's ex-fiancé. "Issues? What issues?"







Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.


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Reading blogs at work? Click to escape to a suitable site!

Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains





























Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero

 
Thursday, July 28, 2005  
Void, of Course
You know the Seinfeld where George learns the key to success in his life? The one where he realizes he merely needs to do the exact opposite of what he would normally do?

Yeah. Well. That's kind of like what I've been doing.

With a special Trilian twist, of course.

I've always trusted my instincts/intuition. (They've rarely been wrong. If you really, really honestly listen to your own inner voice you'll probably find it's true for you, too, unless you're serial killer or FOX executive.) I have a (I think) a fairly good set of manners. Intuition and good manners will take you far in life. Or at least they won't take you to someplace bad. Or, well, someplace you shouldn't be and can't leave.

Events of my life in the past few years have been at times emotionally crippling. Okay. There. I said it. I'm not as strong as people seem to think I am. I have no idea how that rumor or perception ever came to be. I never pretended or claimed to be strong and able to get through anything. I never said I am weak, because I am not. But. I'm not exactly a solid fortress stoically standing unscathed when it comes to people who are important to me hurting me or being hurt themselves. Cynicism, sarcasm and general loathing and contempt for all things Trillian are coping mechanisms, a way to keep myself alive so that I don't hurt the people who care about me. There's a lot of pain in this world and the last thing I want to do is contribute to the difficult things my family and friends have to endure.

Right. So. Yeah. Things have been really, really, really, really, really awful. Really.

I've been trying really hard to figure out a way to either find some sort of fulfillment and satisfaction with my existing life (har har) or do what I need to do to change myself and my life so that I can find a way to find some fulfillment and satisfaction with a new life. I always take the "it's not them, it's me" attitude. If something's wrong, if something's weird, if something's difficult, I never assume someone else is at fault and always presume it's my expectations which are the root of the issue.

Mugged? It's not the mugger thug who's wrong, it's my fault for not expecting everyone to be a violent thief.

Job woes? It's not the idiot boss, demanding client or lazy coworker who are to blame, it's my fault for expecting them to do their jobs.

Dumped by fiancé? He's not to blame for the pain and tears which won't go away, it's my fault for expecting him to not hurt me.

See what I'm getting at here? It's about being responsible for yourself, your actions and your words, and that includes lowering expectations of other people.

I needed to reach a point where I lowered my expectations to a level where I had no expectations whatsoever. Which I think is a good way for me to be. No one can disappoint you when you expect nothing of them. You can't feel hurt or cheated or used or angry if you have no expectations. If you don't expect War of the Worlds to be a good movie, well, you certainly won't be disappointed and you can't complain or feel ripped off for paying $10 to see it.

I am hoping this will lead to a nice comfy void of emotions. Not an emotional void, that's another thing entirely. That's an empty space where there should be an emotion.

I was in pursuit of a state of being emotionally void. Altogether void of emotions. No ups, no downs. No laughter, no sorrow. No joy, no anger. No love, no hate. None of it.

This is seemingly easy for some people. I want to be one of them.

Because I am too emotional for my own good. I care too swutting much about other people. I'm not running for saint or martyr, so all this concern, compassion, passion and caring I have for other people is basically pointless. Oh sure, a few people were gaining from my excessive care, and a few people would (and will) remain in the small place which isn't void of feeling.

Come on, I'm realistic and I'm not trying to be cold and callous. I'm just trying to be void of emotion. If you have no emotion, you can't really be cold and callous, now can you? Cold and callous requires deliberate apathy. That's really quite emotional if you think about it. It takes a lot of emotional effort to ignore someone in need. You have to feel anger, hatred, resentment or apathy to ignore someone. That's not feeling nothing. That's feeling quite a lot.

The key to beginning my quest to a place of emotional void was to have zero expectations from anyone. It's not expecting the worst, it's expecting nothing at all. (Which, yes, in many cases is expecting the worst.)

That was quite easy for me. When you've been hurt and disappointed as often and as unexpectedly as I have in my life, having low expectations is all part of the cynical, sarcastic, pragmatic package which becomes your coping box. But because I hadn't yet set my goal for being void of emotion, there were a few people, family, close friends, HWNMNBS, who I trusted and let into my life and gave them my emotions and, well, naturally, that's when those nasty expectations rear their ugly heads.

Then, one day, after lots and lots of disappointments and hurts, poof! I realized, "Hey, Trill! You've done it! You honestly have absolutely zero expectations from anyone or anything. Congratulations!" Actually, it was more like, "Huh. I should really be bothered I got zero recognition for saving the company from a really nasty embarrassing situation and consequently keeping several people employed. But I didn't expect any recognition, verbal, written or monetary, so I'm not bothered in the least. In fact, I expected to get nothing and that's exactly what I've got so I'm genuinely not disappointed or hurt. I really do not care. I have no emotion about this. So. Hmmm. If you expect nothing, and you in fact get nothing, is that not actually having your expectations met? Technically, Trill, you're right. But. We're striving for a state of zero expectation so it's really more of a met aspiration than realized expectation." Yeah. You just think I haven't been writing.

There you go again with those expectations of yours.

So I've been in this really quite nice place of zero expectation. Unlike some people who have also found this key to emotional coping, I still maintain responsibility for myself and my actions. (see above, re: cold and callous) Some people have zero expectations of everything and everyone, and that includes themselves. They do not hold themselves to any level of expectation or standard. This gives them the personal freedom to be irresponsible. You've seen them. The crazy homeless people who want to live on the streets. The flake who works at the Walgreen's checkout and never says thank you or counts your change or even remotely acknowledges your existence. FOX network executives. Serial killers. They're not on drugs or stupid. Well. In a few cases they are. But at the core they simply have no expectations from you or themselves.

That ain't me, babe. All I want to be is void of emotions. Not irresponsible. That's where intuition and manners kick in. My intuition tells me I have to have a job to keep a roof over my head and food in Furry Creature's bowl. Manners tell me I have to play nice at work so that I keep that job which will almost pay me enough money to keep a roof over my head and food in Furry Creature's bowl.

Okay. So, what's this got to do with that episode of Seinfeld? Part of the long row of hurdles I had to jump was getting over my innate instincts. To extinguish all expectations I had to let go of some long held attachments. Friends who have not been exactly friendly. Family members who use or ignore me. Coworkers who don't grasp the concept of coworking.

Letting go of those attachments is really difficult for me. I'm a good and loyal friend, family member and colleague. That's not something I try to do. It's just the way I am. So I struggled with this. A lot. Because I am responsible.

But. George saved the day. I tried doing exactly the opposite of what I would normally do regarding some of these long held attachments and hence expectations. It felt unnatural and weird and awkward the first few times. I began with the coworkers in question because, well, let's face it, they're only coworkers. I'm not exactly winning popularity contests in the office anyway. Instead of expecting smelly coffee woman to appear in my office with yet another tirade or tale from the train, I expected nothing from her. So when she did appear with the smelly coffee and tyrannical tirade, I felt nothing. No anger, no resentment for being intruded upon. Nothing. That wasn't easy. Her coffee really stinks. And her tirades have been pretty bad lately. But eventually I got there. "Yeah, hi smelly coffee woman. Of course the guy on the train was a jerk. The alternative is to pay the $250 a month for a parking spot and drive to work. Bye, I have work to do." There must have been something noticeably different in my tone because after a few of these matter of fact but not quite rude comments, she began curtailing her morning rounds in my office. I expected nothing from her, and now, I get nothing from her.

The friends and family attachments have not been as easy. There is an innate level of expectation in close relationships, especially where there are other people involved whose attachment I am not endeavoring to sever. Manners. Responsibility. I'm making progress in the expectation area with them, though. And I'm feeling less used. So there's less resentment. Less emotion.

Yes! Further into the void of emotion. See?! It works. Simply because I took out as much expectation as possible and did the exact opposite of what I would normally do or what I thought I should do.

I stopped 50 First Dates. I was way too busy at work and with family and friend stuff to even meet for a drink after work. For several months my after work was around 10:00 PM after working 14 hours and I was in no mood for a first date.

Or was I? I think maybe I should have made more attempts at it when I was not only on the verge of my no expectation breakthrough but also making great progress in my void of emotion journey. Isn't it irritating when people use the term journey metaphorically? "Journey to enlightenment." "Long emotional journey." Ick. Normally I'd say I hate it when people do that, but hate is a strong and passionate emotion, and as we know, I am trying to be dispassionate and void of emotion. So let's try the opposite trick. I have no expectations in my abilities to write words which are not trite and annoying new age crap, and therefore, when I do write words which are trite, annoying new age crap, I cannot be upset, angered or annoyed with myself, the words, the bad metaphor or people who talk in new age clichés who are really to blame for the journey metaphor becoming cliché and bad in the first place. See? Isn't this fun? Sorting through doing the opposite and becoming void of emotion takes a lot of effort and thought, and by the time you sort it all out you kind of forget what emotion you were trying to void in the first place. Job done. Oh sure, there's still that personal responsibility thing, and the manners, so, sorry about the trite, stupid, cliché journey metaphor. I should have been more responsible with my words. Don't expect so much from me or my words and you won't be so annoyed when I write badly.

Right. Men. Maybe this was in fact the perfect time to meet men. "Look, this is the plain ugly truth. Take it or leave it. I expect nothing from you. Heck, I don't even expect you to show up for the date. You cannot possibly hurt me because, brother, I've endured the worst kind of pain there is and it was from someone I care a lot more about than I ever will you, so stay, leave, do or say whatever you want. Nothing you do or say will make me like you or hate you. Because I have no expectations from you."

I see you, I hear you thinking, geeze, Trill, why bother dating at all if that's your attitude?

Because we live in a two income society. If you are single and earn a middle income salary, you know exactly where I'm headed with this. Taxes, mortgages, heck, grocery prices, are based on two incomes. You can manage on one income. Barely. I've done it for years. I don't own a home and never will on my own. (No expectations there) I have to live on a very strict budget which leaves very little money for anything "fun." One unexpected doctor bill or repair bill or trip to the vet will completely blow the month's budget and cause you to stay in while your married, two income or at least lower taxed friends go out for dinner and drinks or go skiing for the weekend or buy a new car or pay $250 a month for a parking spot and luxury of driving to work. I'm of course talking about single people who do not have another source of income like parental bank rolling or an alimony check.

And that's why I am bothering to date. I need a financial partner, and we have to be married. He doesn't have to be "rich" he only needs to earn an average middle income. I have no expectations of him, from him or for him beyond that. If we like and trust each other enough to share financial burdens and the tax advantages marriage and a home can provide, I figure we like each other as much as most married couples. I do not want or need an emotional connection at this point or at any point in the future. I had an emotional relationship. I gave love and romance everything I had to give. And yet here I am single.

So yes, I am fully aware this is not exactly a romantic and ideal attitude. Bingo. That's exactly what I want and need.

Unfortunately HWNMNBS did something to me which cannot be undone. I thought it could. I thought time would heal things. Or at least numb them. Change them. Something. But it's not working out that way for me. I've tried. Oh supreme deity of your choice I have tried. I am convinced no one, ever, has made more sincere efforts and hard, honest work in this endeavor than I have. But he won't leave - or rather, my feelings for him won't leave.

I come and go with the idea of soul mates. I didn't believe in it until I met HWNMNBS. First of all, you have to believe you have a soul to have a soul mate. I'm not convinced we have souls. We have personalities, DNA, emotions and experiences which form the part of our being which isn't physical. But. Is that really a soul or just our emotional being? That's a philosophy for another day.

So the soul mate thing was always out of the question for me. At least until I met him and the facts stared me in the face through eyes the likes of which I had never seen before or since. (Ick. Bad writing. Sorry again. I'm telling you, lower those expectations of yours and we'll all be a lot more satisfied. You should see his eye, though, really, I mean, well, there's a reason why I can't let go of him and it begins with those eye.) So let's call it soul mate because that's the conventional term, not because I really believe in souls or souls predestined to be mated.

More or less.

Something about us, something about him, something about me, caused this thing to happen to my emotional self and it was apparently permanent. And leads me to believe that there are certain people who, well, should be together, whether it was predetermined or not. I thought, and still do think, we are perfect for each other. Oh. And. I love him. Which would have been okay and even necessary if the same thing had happened to him and we had gotten married as planned. But it didn't happen to him. Or it did but then it didn't or something. Who knows what happened to him. I can't really say. I can only be accountable and responsible for myself.

Since he dumped me I've trying to ignore, change, repress, suppress, digress, banish, edit or delete the thing that happened to me when we met.

It didn't work.

It's still there.

Apparently when I said that I loved him I meant that I loved him forever. (Okay, sorry again. Just stop expecting good writing from me, okay? Besides, I will allow myself to flagrantly hate REO Speedwagon. Sometimes, if I've been very good at oppositing and voiding of emotions I allow myself a petty hatred or love. This week I get to hate REO Speedwagon. A few weeks ago I got to love a pair of sandals on sale. It's a loose credit and demerit system I've worked out. I get demerits for emotions which leak out of the void, like a few weeks ago when I spent an hour crying over a certain someone whose name must not be spoken, I mean, it was weird, I'd been having an especially good run of voiding emotions through opposting, and just all of a sudden I couldn't stop thinking about him and missing him. So I got a lot of demerits for that. It took me a while to get out of the red in my account after that emotional episode.)

Right. Soul mates. Whatever. I love him, always will, my problem, not his, he's moved on, I can't, that's a problem, what do I do now?

I've finally I've hit upon something which seems to be working.

I am at a good level of understanding of my situation. For the first time in ages I feel like I have found a viable, non narcotic way to cope with my life. It's all very pragmatic and emotionally cold.

It's a game.

It's exactly the opposite of how I've lived my life thus far.

And that wasn't exactly working out well for me. So why not try the opposite way?

What I need to do now is find a man in the same situation, or just a man who is naturally pragmatic and cold. Which shouldn't be too hard to do, right? Don't women always complain that men are cold and emotionally distant? Yes, we do. So there should be a smorgasbord of men perfect for me. And as long as they're not hypocritical and are looking for nothing more than what they're giving emotionally, I should be perfect for them.

This should also eliminate all physical problems, too. I'm not expecting or even wanting them to find me attractive, and I don't expect to find them attractive. Sex would be nice, but not necessary. I've given up the hope for an emotional/romantic marriage, and consequently the desire and hope for children. I need to be married solely because I need a financial partner whom I can trust with my money, our money. Marriage gives us tax and financial benefits and real estate investment and retirement opportunities. (Yes, so would children, but they cost far more than that yearly deduction so really, not much financial advantage in having children. And I'm already making a mockery of marriage, I'm not going to drag children into the emotionally distant plan which is my life.) Plus sex for me is all about the emotional attachment and connection to the other person. Maybe, at some point, I'll reach supreme void of emotion and be able to separate emotions from sex and experience it as nothing more than a physical thing. You know, like most guys. But until I reach that assured void of emotion state, I'm thinking it's wise I stay on my course of unsexuality. This might be a problem, or maybe not. I hear a lot of women complaining their husbands aren't interested in sex, with them or any other woman. But there again, the right guy, a guy in my situation, wouldn't care and besides, I'm ugly, so that should turn him off and keep us in a void of emotion relationship.

Basically I'm trying to find a financially trustworthy unemotional guy who has a middle income job, plans to continue working, realizes the financial benefits of marriage, and doesn't care what I look like because he doesn't care if we have sex or not.

Which is pretty much what my new online profile says I'm looking for in a man.

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8:46 PM

 
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