Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.

Otherwise, hello, and welcome.
Mail Trillian here<





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Women, The Internet and You: Tips for Men Who Use Online Dating Sites
Part I, Your Profile and Email

Part II, Selecting a Potential Date

Part III, Your First Date!

Part IV, After the First Date. Now What?


"50 First Dates"






Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.

Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Find Federal Officials
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or Search by State

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Contact The Media
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Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)

Quasar
Hyperbole
Amenable
Taciturn
Ennui
Prophetic
Tawdry
Hubris
Ethereal
Syzygy
Umbrageous
Twerp
Sluice
Omnipotent
Sanctuary
Malevolent
Maelstrom
Luddite
Subterfuge
Akimbo
Hoosegow
Dodecahedron
Visceral
Soupçon
Truculent
Vitriol
Mercurial
Kerfuffle
Sangfroid




























 







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Highlights from the Archives. Some favorite Trillian moments.

Void, Of Course: Eliminating Expectations and Emotions for a Better Way of Life

200i: iPodyssey

Macs Are from Venus, Windows is from Mars Can a relationship survive across platform barriers?
Jerking Off

Get A Job

Office Church Ladies: A Fieldguide

'Cause I'm a Blonde

True? Honestly? I think not.

A Good Day AND Funyuns?

The Easter Boy

Relationship in the Dumpster

Wedding Dress 4 Sale, Never Worn

Got Friends? Are You Sure? Take This Test

What About Class? Take This Test

A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away, There Was a Really Bad Movie

May Your Alchemical Process be Complete. Rob Roy Recipe

Good Thing She's Not in a Good Mood Very Often (We Knew it Wouldn't Last)

What Do I Have to Do to Put You in this Car Today?

Of Mice and Me (Killer Cat Strikes in Local Woman's Apartment)

Trillian: The Musical (The Holiday Special)

LA Woman (I Love (Hate) LA)

It is my Cultureth
...and it would suit-eth me kindly to speak-eth in such mannered tongue

Slanglish

It's a Little Bit Me, It's a Little Bit You
Blogging a Legacy for Future Generations


Parents Visiting? Use Trillian's Mantra!

Ghosts of Christmas Past: Mod Hair Ken

Caught Blogging by Mom, Boss or Other

2003 Holiday Sho-Lo/Mullet Awards

Crullers, The Beer Store and Other Saintly Places

Come on Out of that Doghouse! It's a Sunshine Day!

"...I had no idea our CEO is actually Paula Abdul in disguise."

Lap Dance of the Cripple

Of Muppets and American Idols
"I said happier place, not crappier place!"

Finally Off Crutches, Trillian is Emancipated

Payless? Trillian? Shoe Confessions

Reality Wednesday: Extremely Local Pub

Reality Wednesday: Backstage Staging Zone (The Sweater Blog)

The Night Secret Agent Man Shot My Dad

To Dream the Impossible Dream: The Office Karaoke Party

Trillian Flies Economy Class (Prisoner, Cell Block H)

Trillian Visits the Village of the Damned, Takes Drugs, Becomes Delusional and Blogs Her Brains Out

Trillian's Parents are Powerless

Striptease for Spiders: A PETA Charity Event (People for the Ethical Treatment of Arachnids)

What's Up with Trillian and the Richard Branson Worship?

"Screw the French and their politics, give me their cheese!"


















 
Mail Trillian here





Trillian's Guide to the Galaxy gives 5 stars to these places in the Universe:
So much more than fun with fonts, this is a daily dose of visual poetry set against a backdrop of historical trivia. (C'mon, how can you not love a site that notes Wolfman Jack's birthday?!)

CellStories

Alliance for the Great Lakes


Hot, so cool, so cool we're hot.

Ig Nobel Awards

And you think YOU have the worst bridesmaid dress?

Coolest Jewelry in the Universe here (trust Trillian, she knows)

Red Tango

If your boss is an idiot, click here.

Evil Cat Full of Loathing.

Wildlife Works

Detroit Cobras


The Beachwood Reporter is better than not all, but most sex.



Hey! Why not check out some great art and illustration while you're here? Please? It won't hurt and it's free.

Shag

Kii Arens

Tim Biskup

Jeff Soto

Jotto




Get Fuzzy Now!
If you're not getting fuzzy, you should be. All hail Darby Conley. Yes, he's part of the Syndicate. But he's cool.





Who or what is HWNMNBS: (He Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken) Trillian's ex-fiancé. "Issues? What issues?"







Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.


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Reading blogs at work? Click to escape to a suitable site!

Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains





























Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero

 
Wednesday, October 26, 2005  
Back off on the iGuy email, fellas. Sheesh. I don’t expect anything from anyone. I have never expected perfection from anyone. Men or women. I was talking about a manufactured iGuy. And if we’re making a mate, why not make him perfect for our individual tastes, just like we make our iPods perfect for our individual tastes? Just a bit of wistful daydreaming. M’kay? Everybody all clear on that? No more email on the subject, m’kay? You guys might want to do a little thinking about your quick on the trigger defensive reflexes. And, I said I am very aware for every iGuy there is an iGirl. You guys can just go off and program your own perfect iGirl. And we’ll all live happily ever after. Or whatever.

Besides, obviously the iGuy I described is not perfect. He’s lacking some crucial aspects. A sincere desire to watch Cary Grant and Gregory Peck movies with me. A deep philosophical understanding of abstract expressionism, particularly prewar German abstract expressionism. The ability and desire to stay up all night talking about nothing in particular. Genuine love, respect and concern for my cat. And all other animals. His own interests, ideas and viewpoints.

Right. So. No iGuys on the market yet. (Hurry up, Apple, I’m lonely and desperate.) So I’m still trolling for dates online.

It’s time for
creep week
There are two best of the worsts this week. A toss up as to how low I’ll go to meet a man.

Bachelor number one wrote me a succinct and correctly spelled email. “I would like to meet you in person. We’ll make a good couple. We’re both tall. ” No. I have not omitted any details. That was the entire email. He apparently believes we’ll make a good couple because we’re both tall. Okay. I mean, I guess, sure, why not? There are probably people in very successful relationships which are based on as little as that, so, let’s take a look at his profile.

No photo.

You know my revised rule. No photo, no communication from me. Not because I care about his looks but because so far in every case the no photo posted men with whom I’ve communicated have very suspicious holes in their stories. Holes which include wedding rings, criminal records or a real estate license and a great buy on a piece of hot property. Further adding to the mystery of Mr. Tall X is an otherwise completely barren “not specified” profile.

About him:
Height: 6’5”
Body type: Not Specified
Hair color: Not Specified
Ethnicity: Not Specified
Looks: Not Specified

Education: Not Specified
Occupation: Not Specified
Income: Not specified
I speak: Not specified
Religion: Not Specified

Relationship status: Not Specified
Children: Not Specified
Wants children: Not Specified

Smoking: Not Specified
Drinking: Not Specified

What he wants in a woman:
Distance: Not Specified
Height: 6’0” to 6’6”
Body type: Not Specified
Hair color: Not Specified
Ethnicity: Not Specified

Education: Not Specified
Occupation: Not Specified
Income: Not Specified
Languages(s): Not Specified
Religion: Not Specified

Relationship status: Not Specified
Children: Not Specified
Wants children: Not Specified

Smoking: Not Specified
Drinking: Not Specified
Distance: Not Specified
Height: Not Specified
Body type: Not Specified
Hair color: Not Specified
Ethnicity: Not Specified

Yes. He took the time to complete the height portions on his profile and didn’t specify anything else about himself or who he wants to date. Should I see his lack of profile detail not as suspicious, baffling, lazy or arrogant, but as intriguing, mysterious and curious? Not as boring or unmotivated, but as a blank canvas waiting for me to bring him to life? I know absolutely nothing about this man except he says he’s 6’5” tall. My brother’s 6’5” tall. I know a lot about him. I wouldn’t want to date him. So maybe knowing nothing about Mr. Tall X is actually a good thing. Maybe in person he’s an enthused conversationalist with a great sense of humor and scintillating ideas, profound thoughts and fascinating stories. Should I pull him from the delete pile and give him a chance?

Bachelor number two: This week’s batch offered a lot of “mature” men. Again. Frustration over this situation led me to give in and consider a few of the way out of my age range guys. There was one, several years my senior, who, well, at first I thought: Maybe. I mean, never say never, try the opposite and all that, right? But further investigation of his profile turned me off big time. Starting with his screen name: Mr. Right. Ugh. Double ugh-a-chino. There are a ton of Mr. Rights on dating sites. These guys go online to find dates and seriously have the ego, audacity and self unawareness to call themselves (some form) of Mr. Right. Without fail a peek at any Mr. Right’s profile indicates an enormous ego, a lot of detail about his physical attributes and those of the women he wants to date. Maybe that’s some women's’ idea of Mr. Right, but not mine. But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m being too picky or too sensitive. Maybe I’m not seeing a great catch when he’s right there on my screen.

His email to me was, you know, nice. Ish. Flattering, I suppose.

“Wow! You’re incredible! What’s a girl like you doing in a place like this? (guys, this “pun” on that tired cliché is a cliché itself, so don’t use it. We hear it in more than half the email we get from men. It’s not clever, unique or funny. But in the interest of seeing every man as a potential date, I kept reading.) Your (sic) to (sic) intelligent and funny to be alone. You need me in your life! (Yep, this guy’s in sales. Probably automotive. “You need this car. What do I have to do to put you in this car today?” “You need me in your life! What do I have to do to put you in my bed today?” And for the record, I’m not alone. I have lots of great family and friends. Single, yes. Alone, no.) I can tell your (sic) adventerous (sic) and passionate (Really? You can tell I’m passionate by my profile? Huh. Funny, there’s nothing to indicate I’m passionate on my profile. No one else ever mentions passionate after looking at my profile. I used to be passionate but not any more. Maybe you’re incredibly perceptive or psychic but I kind of doubt it so let’s assume you’re projecting your desired traits onto me or making huge presumptions and are using your used car selling tactics on me.) Those are two qualities I respect and need in a woman. (Cha ching, right on the first count: Projecting. Already trying to make me what he wants me to be. Calm down, Trill, give the guy a chance, you’re in no position to judge, keep reading.) I am looking for a woman to share romantic getaways with.(sic) I haven’t been interested in long term committment (sic) but now if I find the Miss Right with long term potential I’m finally ready to think about settling down . (“if I find Miss Right...I’m finally ready to think about settling down?” Yeah, you sound real committed to that idea. And, at your age? If you’re really healthy you’ve got maybe 30 years, tops, to devote to a committed relationship. I realize I’m no Spring chicken but our definitions of long term are very different.And aw, gee, what a shame, too. Think of all those girls who won’t get a piece of Mr. Right. I’d really hate to deprive the world of, well, you.) You have many of the qualities I want in a woman. Intelligence, humor, gorgeous smile, passion, (again with the passion? Must be the Cialis talking) and thoughtful. Maybe your (sic) Miss Right! Email me soon because I don’t want to waste time when we could be together. (Translation: I’m getting ready to retire and I’m soon going to need someone to take care of me. You’re young and professionally employed so you’ve got the physical and financial abilities to take care of me.) Don’t let my age get in the way of a very good time. Everyone thinks I’m at least 10 years younger than I am. I don’t look or act my age. (Not exactly a ringing endorsement on your maturity level, there buddy, but I’ll cut you slack and take it in the spirit in which it was intended.) We’ve got a lot going for us and we’ve haven’t even met yet! Think how great it could be in person and email me so we can start having fun.” (oh brother. I mean. Okay. He’s enthused! And upbeat! And trying to make a good impression!)

Okay. I thought: No. No way. And then I thought, well, maybe. He seems to be interested in me. He thinks we’ve got a lot going for us. Do the opposite. So what if he’s gearing up for retirement? I’m not exactly making it big with men my age or even a few years older than me. Sure, I’d really like a financial partner to share building a home and nest egg for our retirement years - together, but you know, hey, chances are I’ll be a spinster or widowed and spend my final years alone anyway. The end result could be the same so since these older men are so interested in me maybe I should explore the option. I’m trying really hard to convince myself this is a good idea. Normally in the delete pile, but maybe I should give him a try.

Height: 6’1”
Body type: Athletic
Hair color: Light Brown
Ethnicity: Latin / Hispanic, Native American, White / Caucasian
Looks: Attractive (and yes, by his photo, for a guy his age he is attractive. And what is the recipe for his attractiveness, you ask? He goes on to provide a very detailed description of his ethnic heritage.)

Education: Bachelors/4-Year Degree
Occupation: Professional/Manager/Supervisor, Sales/Marketing
Income: $100,000 TO $149,999
I speak: English
Religion: Christian - Other, Attend Services Weekly

Relationship status: Single
Children: No
Wants children: No

Smoking: Never
Drinking: Occasionally

Looking for: Dating / Long-term Potential
With a: 26 to 40 -year-old women (only interested in women many years his junior. Letch.)
Distance: within 100 of Chicago
Height: 5’2” to 6’0”
Body type: Slender, Athletic, Average
Hair color: Any
Ethnicity: Doesn't Matter

Education: Bachelors/4-Year Degree to PhD / Doctoral
Occupation: Any
Income: $100,000 TO $250,000+ (That eliminates me...)
Languages(s): English
Religion: Catholic, Christian - Other, Doesn't Matter

Relationship status: Any
Children: No
Wants children: No

Smoking: Never
Drinking: Occasionally

So there we have it. A tall guy about whom I know nothing and an old guy about whom I know way too much. This weeks Creeps of the Week. What ever is a girl to do? How to choose? Maybe if I’m lucky I can finagle dates with both of them! Oh, dare I dream such a wicked and wonderful scenario?

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