Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.

Otherwise, hello, and welcome.
Mail Trillian here<





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Women, The Internet and You: Tips for Men Who Use Online Dating Sites
Part I, Your Profile and Email

Part II, Selecting a Potential Date

Part III, Your First Date!

Part IV, After the First Date. Now What?


"50 First Dates"






Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.

Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Find Federal Officials
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or Search by State

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Contact The Media
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Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)

Quasar
Hyperbole
Amenable
Taciturn
Ennui
Prophetic
Tawdry
Hubris
Ethereal
Syzygy
Umbrageous
Twerp
Sluice
Omnipotent
Sanctuary
Malevolent
Maelstrom
Luddite
Subterfuge
Akimbo
Hoosegow
Dodecahedron
Visceral
Soupçon
Truculent
Vitriol
Mercurial
Kerfuffle
Sangfroid




























 







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Highlights from the Archives. Some favorite Trillian moments.

Void, Of Course: Eliminating Expectations and Emotions for a Better Way of Life

200i: iPodyssey

Macs Are from Venus, Windows is from Mars Can a relationship survive across platform barriers?
Jerking Off

Get A Job

Office Church Ladies: A Fieldguide

'Cause I'm a Blonde

True? Honestly? I think not.

A Good Day AND Funyuns?

The Easter Boy

Relationship in the Dumpster

Wedding Dress 4 Sale, Never Worn

Got Friends? Are You Sure? Take This Test

What About Class? Take This Test

A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away, There Was a Really Bad Movie

May Your Alchemical Process be Complete. Rob Roy Recipe

Good Thing She's Not in a Good Mood Very Often (We Knew it Wouldn't Last)

What Do I Have to Do to Put You in this Car Today?

Of Mice and Me (Killer Cat Strikes in Local Woman's Apartment)

Trillian: The Musical (The Holiday Special)

LA Woman (I Love (Hate) LA)

It is my Cultureth
...and it would suit-eth me kindly to speak-eth in such mannered tongue

Slanglish

It's a Little Bit Me, It's a Little Bit You
Blogging a Legacy for Future Generations


Parents Visiting? Use Trillian's Mantra!

Ghosts of Christmas Past: Mod Hair Ken

Caught Blogging by Mom, Boss or Other

2003 Holiday Sho-Lo/Mullet Awards

Crullers, The Beer Store and Other Saintly Places

Come on Out of that Doghouse! It's a Sunshine Day!

"...I had no idea our CEO is actually Paula Abdul in disguise."

Lap Dance of the Cripple

Of Muppets and American Idols
"I said happier place, not crappier place!"

Finally Off Crutches, Trillian is Emancipated

Payless? Trillian? Shoe Confessions

Reality Wednesday: Extremely Local Pub

Reality Wednesday: Backstage Staging Zone (The Sweater Blog)

The Night Secret Agent Man Shot My Dad

To Dream the Impossible Dream: The Office Karaoke Party

Trillian Flies Economy Class (Prisoner, Cell Block H)

Trillian Visits the Village of the Damned, Takes Drugs, Becomes Delusional and Blogs Her Brains Out

Trillian's Parents are Powerless

Striptease for Spiders: A PETA Charity Event (People for the Ethical Treatment of Arachnids)

What's Up with Trillian and the Richard Branson Worship?

"Screw the French and their politics, give me their cheese!"


















 
Mail Trillian here





Trillian's Guide to the Galaxy gives 5 stars to these places in the Universe:
So much more than fun with fonts, this is a daily dose of visual poetry set against a backdrop of historical trivia. (C'mon, how can you not love a site that notes Wolfman Jack's birthday?!)

CellStories

Alliance for the Great Lakes


Hot, so cool, so cool we're hot.

Ig Nobel Awards

And you think YOU have the worst bridesmaid dress?

Coolest Jewelry in the Universe here (trust Trillian, she knows)

Red Tango

If your boss is an idiot, click here.

Evil Cat Full of Loathing.

Wildlife Works

Detroit Cobras


The Beachwood Reporter is better than not all, but most sex.



Hey! Why not check out some great art and illustration while you're here? Please? It won't hurt and it's free.

Shag

Kii Arens

Tim Biskup

Jeff Soto

Jotto




Get Fuzzy Now!
If you're not getting fuzzy, you should be. All hail Darby Conley. Yes, he's part of the Syndicate. But he's cool.





Who or what is HWNMNBS: (He Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken) Trillian's ex-fiancé. "Issues? What issues?"







Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.


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Reading blogs at work? Click to escape to a suitable site!

Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains





























Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero

 
Wednesday, November 09, 2005  
I like looking at a naked man as much as the next hetero woman. Maybe even more than some women. But. I'm not keen on seeing a guy I'm potentially going to date naked before we even meet in person.
hint of the week
Guys, here’s some advice from me to you. Free of charge. Just because you want us girls to post topless photos of ourselves online doesn't mean we want the same from you.

Let's say you’re a guy who spends a lot of time at the gym and you look like one of those old Mr. Atlas ads. Hey, whatever dude, you might want to cultivate a hobby other than the gym. Maybe something a little less self involved...little less brawn, little more brain...anyway, you've got a muscled body. You spend a lot of time working out and you want to show off the results. A lot. To all the world and every woman on online dating sites.

That’s cool. I guess. There are probably girls who will find the photos of your naked physique hot. They might want to meet you. But don’t count on them liking you for what’s inside. But then, maybe that’s not an issue for you. Or them. Paris Hilton’s available again...

But let’s say it is an issue for you. You want a woman who is "thoughtful, caring, intelligent and romantic" Maybe someone like that girl who’s temping down in accounting.

You really need to think about what you want in a relationship and what sort of woman you are hoping to meet. Think about the sort of girl you're hoping to meet. Got a good idea of the sort of person she is? Maybe a mental image or two? Great! Now tailor your profile to show off your qualities which will be interesting to that sort of girl looking for that kind of relationship. I’m not saying lie about yourself. I’m saying highlight your personality qualities and interests which will be of interest to the sort of woman you’ve decided you want to meet.

Posting a half (or near full) naked photo of your muscled body will attract Paris Hilton types who will find your naked muscled body hot. They will seek you out for some gettin’ freaky with Jello-O shots in the hot tub action. And if that’s what you’re hoping to achieve, great. Good luck with that.

But. If you want someone who is "thoughtful, caring, intelligent and romantic" you might want to reconsider your photo options. And you might want to highlight some of your interests outside of the gym. If you don’t have any interests outside of the gym now is the time to spend some time developing something other than your body. Perhaps you could spin this in your profile. “I’m currently exploring some of my interests like geode polishing and touring the Amish country. I’d like to meet someone to share in new experiences and interests” might pique the interest of a "thoughtful, caring, intelligent and romantic" woman who also has interests and hobbies. A photo of your naked body will pique her interest but it won’t be your mind or interest in the Amish country she finds interesting.

And here’s my issue. You’re a buff, muscle bound, gym four hours a day every day kind of guy. Nowhere on your profile do you hint at anything about yourself other than the gym, fitness and your body. You have one (or usually several) half or nearly full naked photos of yourself posted. You’re proud of your body and your muscles. You spend a lot of time with yourself and your muscles. And you want to portray this on your profile. Fine. Cool. Whatever, dude, good luck.

But why the swut are you writing someone like me? Does excessive sweating and weight lifting kill brain cells? Can you actually read? I spell it out for you in my profile. I say I have a demanding job, intellectual hobbies, and I volunteer. Nowhere in there does it say anything about me having the time or interest in spending four hours a day at the gym. Nowhere in there does it say I value buffing up my body more than anything else. Nowhere in there does it say I'm looking for a guy who spends every spare moment in the gym or in the pursuit of his idea of a perfect body. No indication whatsoever that I'm interested in you or seeing your half naked body in my face when I innocently open your profile. Unless you are in fact a personal trainer, and even then...not only is it intimidating, it's weird that you think posting a photo of your half naked body is impressive and a good way to meet women who want something from you other than gettin’ freaky in the hot tub with Jell-O shots.

I'll leave you with this thought: If the best (or only) thing you can say about yourself is that you have an awesome body, you might want to look up the definitions of narcissism, vanity, arrogance, pride and conceit. Going to the gym, working out, trying to be healthy is one thing. Making your body your only source of entertainment and interest is another completely.

Now. Before all you jocks or "naturally buff" guys start saying I'm fitness bashing, get off your bruised ego and realize I'm not anti fitness and health. If you go to the gym a few times a week or play sports or have a physical job, you know darned well I'm not talking about you. And I'm also hoping you have enough of a life outside of the gym to realize posting a half naked photo of yourself is not the way to make a good first impression on that potential "thoughtful, caring, intelligent, romantic" woman you claim to be hoping to meet online.

On the other hand, let's say you're not really the Mr. Atlas type. Let's say you're just, you know, "regular." "Regular" is good. I like "regular." Most women do. "Regular" can be very sexy. Non threatening. Unnarcissistic. (Those are good qualities, by the way.) So why spoil it, why make us think you're egotistical and weird by posting a photo of your half naked self online? Perhaps even worse than the Mr. Atlas types, you've got seemingly no particular reason for showing off that shag carpet you call a chest.

It's not that most of us prefer the Mr. Atlas types, it's that we prefer a man who has more than an ounce decorum and self awareness. Guys, this is first impression time. Whether you're buff, cut and waxed or dull, soft and hirsute, this is not the time or place to reveal that aspect of yourself. If that's the best presentation of yourself you can think of to give to potential dates, you might want re-think your strategy.

Are you honestly trying to find that special someone or are you hoping to get noticed by a producer of low budget porn?

Because that's just it, guys. These half naked snapshots (or worse, ye gads, the "professional" glamour shots of naked men flexing...ewwwwwww on a hetero dating site? ick) rarely give the impression that you're a confident guy comfortable in his skin. They almost always have a very, very seedy quality to them. They almost always make men appear to either be auditioning for porn or looking at it. (You know what I mean, I’m not going into details, but more often than not these guys also sport “something” obviously going on “down there.” Did you hear me say ewwwwwwww? This is not erotic. This makes most of us think, “Why is he sitting around half naked in a state of arousal, and worse, why did he take a photo of himself like this, and worse, who took the photo?)

And then there are the really special cases. Guys, take note. You or someone you know is probably one of these guys. I say this with a high degree of certainty because I see a lot of this type of photograph. I’m especially talking about the guys who post a photo of themselves, half (or maybe more) naked sitting in front of their computers, the phosphorus green/blue glow of the monitor illuminating their chest hair. EWWWWWWWWWWWWW. You know what this says to me and most other women? "Hi, I'm a perv. I spend a lot of time online. Alone. Naked. In a dark room. And I take photos." See where I'm going with this? Do I need to connect the dots for you? Bad imagery all the way around. Bad, bad, bad connotations. Especially when combined with the weird grins most of these guys have on their faces. Double EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

It occurred to me maybe some of you don't realize the bad connotations these photos emit. Maybe you think, "I wish women would post photos of their boobs. Why don't more women post half naked photos of themselves in their profiles? Don't they know us guys like boobs? Maybe if I do it, set an example, and then email thousands of women, a few of them will get the hint and follow my half naked lead. Men around the world will hail me as a hero and I'll get to see more boobs! It's all good!"

Dude. They make internet porn for this very reason. Go sit in a dark room naked in front of your computer and leave the dating to the other guys.

This is about dating. Not about seeing boobs before you even meet a woman.

And that's my whole point. Regardless of the state of your physique, save something for later. I personally like to know a bit about a guy before I want anything to do with his body. Call me a prude. Call me weird. Call me whatever you want. But. Also call me speaking for a lot of women in this respect. We do not have the same sort of fixation on your chests as you do with ours. We just don't. Yes, we like looking at men. A lot. But when it comes to men we date we want to know they have a sense of decorum. We want to know they respect us and themselves. We don't want our sisters, best friends or coworkers stumbling across our date's half naked photo posted online. Get it? It's embarrassing. It's weird. It's so unnecessary.

And I promise you this: Just because you show me yours does not mean I'll feel obligated or compelled to show you mine.

And you just know that this is all leading up to this week's
creep week
I took a break. Left the email alone for a few days. I didn't want to see or think about anything even remotely date related. I was in a sort of licking of wounds state and not in a "hey! Let's meet dozens of new guys who are online right now and waiting to chat with me!" mood.

When I finally opened the mail box, oh man. Oh man alive. I didn't even send any winks or smiles or emails. And yet. My box was brimming with them. That new dating site is full of very, very eager men. Too eager.

Way, way, way too eager.

So eager they obviously didn't read my profile. I waded through hundreds, yes, really, hundreds, of men who were at least 10 years older than my stated desired age range. Most of them 15 years or more. Many more. I swear I'm going to sue the makers of Viagra, Cialis and Levitra. Guys, men, seriously. Leave. Us. Alone. Pick on someone your own age. There are senior dating sites. Use one of those. I thought maybe I innocently stumbled onto one of those "for active mature daters" sites. I even checked to be sure I wasn't misled about the clientele on the site. Nope. It's geared for all ages over 18, nothing about senior dating listed in their “about us” section. And when I search for men in my age range there are plenty there. Yet who contacts me? Men getting ready to retire all hopped up high on Cialis. Can't blame a guy for trying, you say? Bah. This didn't happen before ED drugs were available. Damn you Bob Dole.

Right. So. A bunch of "mature" men.

And this guy.

I read his email twice before checking out his profile. He seemed, you know, sort of okay in his email. He wrote that he likes music and going to concerts and outdoor activities and travel. Hey cool! Me, too! In fact in the last week I’ve listened to music, gone to a concert and traveled to go hiking in the woods! Wow! It’s fate!!! Oh sure, the part about his liking to fish concerned me, especially because I specifically say: No hunters or fisherman, please. But he said he liked my sense of humor and that I look friendly. Okay. See? Now we're getting somewhere. No cliché "I like your smile and eyes." He was able to identify an actual adjective for his perception of my looks. I was sitting there thinking, "Okay, that's it, I'm marrying this guy. As long as he doesn't bring dead fish into the house or insist on telling me about his killing sprees otherwise known as fishing trips I can deal with it. Great. Fine. Job done. Let's check out his profile and email him.

And then I saw "it."

"It" is the photo he chose to use as his profile photo. The image of himself he chose to present to the world and potential dates.

I'm not going to humiliate the guy (or any other guy) by posting his photo for you to see. I'm not trying to humiliate these guys. I'm not on a personal vendetta or rampage against them personally. Well. I mean. Not really. Yes I'm picking them apart in a public forum but I'm leaving out specific details which could in any way narrow down the suspects to him. I’m hoping they, and others like them, will learn from this.

His photo. Oh, where to begin.

There’s no good way to tactfully discuss this. Best to just have out with it.

In his main profile photo he’s: Naked. Not exactly buff. Very hairy. Standing in front of what appears to be one of those metal storage sheds where most people keep their lawn mowers.

With what I calculate to be a 15 foot python snake draped around his neck with him holding the head of the snake in front of his penis.

With me here? The effect I believe he was going for was to imply things like, well, snakes, hands, force and jerking off. Oh. He's also wearing a wide grin. And appears to have some sort of gum disease.

Once I got past the initial "ick" and "please let this be a bad joke" phases I noticed the wood burned cypress sign on the metal shed. You know the kind of signs the retired guys at craft fairs at the mall will make for you, all lacquered and personalized? The kind people have on their cabins and motor homes usually proclaiming "The Andersons" or "Cabin Sweet Cabin?" Well, his said "**'s Snake Shack"

Still clinging to the hope that this was a bad joke, a very bad joke, I read his profile. Yep. There it is:

Pets
Have: Exotic, Reptiles, Other.
Likes: Exotic, Reptiles, Other.

Wavy screen segueing into vision of the future: The sweet little face of Furry Creature caught in the jaws of that python, his eyes scared and confused, imploring, inferring, why, Trillian, why? I know you were lonely, I did my best to keep you company, really I did. I tried to be a good feline companion. You didn't have to let it come to this...I would have gone back to the shelter...why did you let him feed me to the snake? And naked hairy chest guy standing there grinning.

No. Just. No.

And then I checked out the rest of his profile. Not much there. Not much on details, this guy. However, apparently he feels photos are worth thousands of words. Because he has the maximum amount of photos allowed posted. All featuring his Snake Shack, snakes, fish and him naked or half naked with snakes or dead fish. Apparently he's big on scaly things. Apparently he likes the way scaly things feel against his naked flesh. (that sentence is going to be a hit with Google) Apparently he likes spandex, too. Several of the photos feature him wearing nothing but python and flame decorated spandex, um, "leggings." Yes. As in hair band spandex, erm, those things.

Okay. You know, great for him. He knows what he likes, he's comfortable in his skin and that's all really cool. He's got interests and spends a lot of time pursuing them. Take your passion, make it happen. Great. But maybe not exactly a great match for me.

And after seeing his photos, I found his comment about me looking "friendly" a bit odd. Here's a guy who obviously spends most of his time hanging out with menacing snakes and killing fish. Either he needs a break from all that scary business and found me to be a friendly, non threatening, non carnivorous oasis in his otherwise snake eat man eat fish world or he's thinking I'd be easy prey for the python.

Or, maybe, I've got him all wrong. Maybe he's just new to online dating, got a bit over enthused and carried away with the photos, couldn't decide which ones were best, and well, yeah. Maybe I've got him all wrong. He did write an okay email. He is my age. And once you get past what appears to be gum disease he has a big grin in every photo. He seems happy. Dating a happy scaly creature loving guy with gum disease would be a change for me. Maybe I should give, him, us, a chance. I am trying not to be quick or harsh to judge. I’m trying really hard to meet different sorts of men. Well, he’s different all right. But maybe he’s a really nice guy. Maybe he’s got a good sense of humor. Heck, he grins a lot. Maybe I shouldn’t look the gift horse, or in this case, snake, in the mouth. He thinks I look friendly. That must be important to him. Maybe he doesn’t care that I’m ugly, he just wants someone who looks friendly. I mean, hey, there are worse things than being with a guy who thinks you look friendly, right? I spent a lot of years with a man who thinks I look ugly and that ended badly for everyone. So maybe me and The Snake are onto something good here.

If the naked photos, snake and fishing things are all that’s keeping me from considering meeting this guy, am I being too picky?

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