Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.

Otherwise, hello, and welcome.
Mail Trillian here<





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Women, The Internet and You: Tips for Men Who Use Online Dating Sites
Part I, Your Profile and Email

Part II, Selecting a Potential Date

Part III, Your First Date!

Part IV, After the First Date. Now What?


"50 First Dates"






Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.

Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Find Federal Officials
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or Search by State

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Contact The Media
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Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)

Quasar
Hyperbole
Amenable
Taciturn
Ennui
Prophetic
Tawdry
Hubris
Ethereal
Syzygy
Umbrageous
Twerp
Sluice
Omnipotent
Sanctuary
Malevolent
Maelstrom
Luddite
Subterfuge
Akimbo
Hoosegow
Dodecahedron
Visceral
Soupçon
Truculent
Vitriol
Mercurial
Kerfuffle
Sangfroid




























 







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Highlights from the Archives. Some favorite Trillian moments.

Void, Of Course: Eliminating Expectations and Emotions for a Better Way of Life

200i: iPodyssey

Macs Are from Venus, Windows is from Mars Can a relationship survive across platform barriers?
Jerking Off

Get A Job

Office Church Ladies: A Fieldguide

'Cause I'm a Blonde

True? Honestly? I think not.

A Good Day AND Funyuns?

The Easter Boy

Relationship in the Dumpster

Wedding Dress 4 Sale, Never Worn

Got Friends? Are You Sure? Take This Test

What About Class? Take This Test

A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away, There Was a Really Bad Movie

May Your Alchemical Process be Complete. Rob Roy Recipe

Good Thing She's Not in a Good Mood Very Often (We Knew it Wouldn't Last)

What Do I Have to Do to Put You in this Car Today?

Of Mice and Me (Killer Cat Strikes in Local Woman's Apartment)

Trillian: The Musical (The Holiday Special)

LA Woman (I Love (Hate) LA)

It is my Cultureth
...and it would suit-eth me kindly to speak-eth in such mannered tongue

Slanglish

It's a Little Bit Me, It's a Little Bit You
Blogging a Legacy for Future Generations


Parents Visiting? Use Trillian's Mantra!

Ghosts of Christmas Past: Mod Hair Ken

Caught Blogging by Mom, Boss or Other

2003 Holiday Sho-Lo/Mullet Awards

Crullers, The Beer Store and Other Saintly Places

Come on Out of that Doghouse! It's a Sunshine Day!

"...I had no idea our CEO is actually Paula Abdul in disguise."

Lap Dance of the Cripple

Of Muppets and American Idols
"I said happier place, not crappier place!"

Finally Off Crutches, Trillian is Emancipated

Payless? Trillian? Shoe Confessions

Reality Wednesday: Extremely Local Pub

Reality Wednesday: Backstage Staging Zone (The Sweater Blog)

The Night Secret Agent Man Shot My Dad

To Dream the Impossible Dream: The Office Karaoke Party

Trillian Flies Economy Class (Prisoner, Cell Block H)

Trillian Visits the Village of the Damned, Takes Drugs, Becomes Delusional and Blogs Her Brains Out

Trillian's Parents are Powerless

Striptease for Spiders: A PETA Charity Event (People for the Ethical Treatment of Arachnids)

What's Up with Trillian and the Richard Branson Worship?

"Screw the French and their politics, give me their cheese!"


















 
Mail Trillian here





Trillian's Guide to the Galaxy gives 5 stars to these places in the Universe:
So much more than fun with fonts, this is a daily dose of visual poetry set against a backdrop of historical trivia. (C'mon, how can you not love a site that notes Wolfman Jack's birthday?!)

CellStories

Alliance for the Great Lakes


Hot, so cool, so cool we're hot.

Ig Nobel Awards

And you think YOU have the worst bridesmaid dress?

Coolest Jewelry in the Universe here (trust Trillian, she knows)

Red Tango

If your boss is an idiot, click here.

Evil Cat Full of Loathing.

Wildlife Works

Detroit Cobras


The Beachwood Reporter is better than not all, but most sex.



Hey! Why not check out some great art and illustration while you're here? Please? It won't hurt and it's free.

Shag

Kii Arens

Tim Biskup

Jeff Soto

Jotto




Get Fuzzy Now!
If you're not getting fuzzy, you should be. All hail Darby Conley. Yes, he's part of the Syndicate. But he's cool.





Who or what is HWNMNBS: (He Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken) Trillian's ex-fiancé. "Issues? What issues?"







Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.


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Reading blogs at work? Click to escape to a suitable site!

Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains





























Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero

 
Wednesday, December 07, 2005  
You know how you go along through life observing, maybe doing a little reporting here and there, taking it all in, learning, eventually realizing people, individually and as a species, are really weird? And once you realize this you sort of feel kind of enlightened because you naively believe, "hey, I've seen it all, or at least a lot of it, and I've learned that people are weird. And so having come to that realization, nothing a human does can surprise me. Not really. Not in that big, shocking way because I know that fundamentally people are weird. Ergo, they will exhibit weird behavior. Huh. Enlightenment. Wow. I'm so enlightened. Life's going to be a lot easier now. Terrific. Here we go then."

And then you decide to give online dating a try.

And you learn that everything you thought you could handle because of all that enlightenment and the acceptance of the realization that people, individually and as a species, are weird, confounds you. Leaves you stymied. More convinced than ever that humans are very weird, but stymied and confounded nonetheless.

Because there is nothing, absolutely nothing you could observe in life which can fully prepare you for the weirdness you may encounter if you give online dating a real and serious try.

Yep.

creep week

I've been out of commission for the past week-ish. Out of town. Under the weather. Certainly in no position to be giving 50 First Dates any effort. When I finally had the time and energy to deal with, erm, I mean, eagerly open the email from my online dating sites I found: A lot of the usual, scads of "clearly did not read my profile or would have known I don't date smokers, underaged boys, retired men or taxidermists," a few "hey, maybes," and this guy.

Normally I would have deleted him upon first glance of his basic stats: Way out of my age range. Many years older than the age I post as my max age. And yet, like so many other divorced guys hopped up high on Cialis, he sent me an email anyway.

(That behavior would fall into the "normal" weirdness for which life has actually prepared me. People are weird, therefore they will ignore basic facts presented to them and believe themselves always to be the exception. Which I find interesting and proof of the weird human thing because everyone feels they are the exception. We can't all be the exception because that would make the exception the norm. Exceptional means better than normal. We're not all better than normal. Most of us aren't even normal. Many of us peak at normal on a really good day and flop around in the below normal unexceptional gene swamp the rest of the time. That's part of the path to enlightenment: Realizing people are weird and since you're a person you, too, are therefore weird. And probably unexceptional. If you'd just apply yourself you could really do well. You're capable of so much more. Your third grade teacher told you so. She was right.)

But something caught my eye.

There was something familiar about him.

Something very, very familiar.

I took a closer look at his profile photo. I looked at his city. I looked at his other profile photos...

...and that was where I was hit with the realization of several things.

(insert Psycho shower scene soundbite here)

The things I realized were:

A) People are swutting weirder than I ever could have swutting imagined.
B) He is the father of a woman in my office.

You heard me. The father of someone I know, a man I have met a few times and clearly knows who he's emailing, contacted me for a date via an online dating site.

A woman I actually like. A woman in that gray area between coworker and friend. I like her more than I generally like coworkers, I mean, I've met her father for crying out loud. He works in town and sometimes stops in the office. I always chat with him and once I even showed him how to use iTunes. He's, you know, nice, in that father of a friend kind of way. Not in any way other than that, though.

I have several photos posted on this dating site so I am 100% certain he knew who I was when he emailed me. However, he didn't actually mention this fact in his email.

Not surprisingly, his email was short and rather cryptic. "Hi there. I know I'm older than you want (so why are you writing me?) but I think if you take a minute to look beyond our age difference you'll see we have a lot in common. (Yeah. We both know your daughter, for a start.) "

That was it.

I read his profile several times and fail to see what we have in common other than the fact that we don't smoke. (I know, I know, that's a huge start, I know. I shouldn't be so picky.) He doesn't like cats or dogs. (I can vouch for that. He made a sick dead cat joke when he saw the photo of Furry Creature on my desk.) He likes riding his motorcycle. (I can vouch for that. I had to hear the story of his near death crash experience.) He doesn't "spend much time reading" because he'd "rather have fun than sit around reading." (I can vouch for that. He didn't get a joke I made about Haikus. "What's a Haiku?") He describes his sense of humor as slapstick. (I can vouch for that. He is fond of Stooge-a-palooza on a local network.) He is not looking for a serious commitment. (I can vouch for that, too. I've heard his daughter's (my coworker) lament about his post mid-life crisis and her worries about what will become of him in his old age.)

Let's just pretend we have a lot in common. Just for the sake of me trying to not be too picky about the men I date. Let's say apart from our age difference we really were good for each other.

I swutting work with his daughter.

wavy dream sequence screen to the image of me going to meet my new boyfriend's family who is my coworker and her siblings. "Surprise! I'm dating your dad!" Then a few weeks later, me coming into work on a Monday morning. As I walk past my coworker's office I say, "Hey, Coworker, how was your weekend? Mine? Oh fantastic. I'm walkin' a little funny today but it was worth it if you know what I mean, nyuck nyuck. That dad of yours is incredible. Give him a Cialis on Friday and he doesn't stop until Stooge-a-palooza on Sunday afternoon!"

Back to reality.

A) I do not discuss my sex life (or lack thereof) with my colleagues or coworkers.
B) She's his daughter.
C) There's a rule imprinted in human DNA that states people do not want to know about their parents' sex lives.

Let's just pretend I don't work with his daughter. Just for the sake of me trying to not be too picky about the men I date. Let's say apart from our age difference and the fact that we have nothing in common, I don't even know his daughter and therefor he's "datable."

wavy dream sequence screen to the image of me trying to read with the Three Stooges blaring in the background and this guy laughing and guffawing, "hey, sweetheart, you'll never guess what Moe just did to Curly! Sheesh, he never learns!"

"Um, let me guess, slapping, punching and stupid vocal sound effects?"

Back to reality.

Okay. Leaving the Stooge Factor out of the equation, we're just not a good candidate for couplehood.

And then there's his daughter.

My coworker.

A woman I like and respect.

Whom I have to face every day from now until as long as I work with her knowing that her father tried to pick me up on an online dating site.

Now, more than ever, I really, really have to get a new job.

But until then, what?

So far I've simply ignored his email. I haven't responded. (I'm invoking cooling off period so no one gets hurt.)

The next time he stops in the office is going to be beyond weird. I'll duck and hide, but I can't live in constant fear of this guy showing up in the office. Some day, some time, I'm going to see him. And it's going to be really weird.

Although not as weird as trying to pretend that a coworker's father didn't hit on me online.

She must never, ever know. She's already got some issue regarding her parents' divorce. The last thing she needs to know is that her father is not only hitting on much younger women, but women who are her coworkers as well.

Maybe I've got her all wrong. Maybe she'd be cool with it. Heck, maybe she even encouraged it. But I doubt it. I like this woman. She's not weird like that. She's capable of thinking far enough ahead and reasoning that a coworker dating her father could potentially be a seriously bad thing.

The question this week is not should I date this creep, but what, if anything, should I say to him? I'm thinking maybe something like, "Hi Coworker's Dad. I'm going to assume you meant this as a joke. Ha ha. I think it's best of Coworker doesn't know about this, even though it is a really funny joke. Ha ha. She might not see the humor in it and we do have to work together. Good luck out there. - Trillian"

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7:31 PM

 
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