Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here:

Otherwise, hello, and welcome.
Mail Trillian here<

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Trillian McMillian
Trillian McMillian
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Women, The Internet and You: Tips for Men Who Use Online Dating Sites
Part I, Your Profile and Email

Part II, Selecting a Potential Date

Part III, Your First Date!

Part IV, After the First Date. Now What?

"50 First Dates"

Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.

Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Find Federal Officials
Enter ZIP Code:

or Search by State

Find State Officials
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or Search by State

Contact The Media
Enter ZIP Code:

or Search by State

Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)



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11/17/13 12/1/13 - 12/8/13 12/15/13 - 12/22/13 12/29/13 - 1/5/14 6/29/14 - 7/6/14 9/14/14 - 9/21/14 9/21/14 - 9/28/14 10/12/14 - 10/19/14 11/23/14 - 11/30/14 12/7/14 - 12/14/14 12/28/14 - 1/4/15 1/25/15 - 2/1/15 2/8/15 - 2/15/15 2/22/15 - 3/1/15 3/8/15 - 3/15/15 3/15/15 - 3/22/15 3/22/15 - 3/29/15 4/12/15 - 4/19/15 4/19/15 - 4/26/15 5/3/15 - 5/10/15 5/17/15 - 5/24/15 5/24/15 - 5/31/15 6/14/15 - 6/21/15 6/28/15 - 7/5/15 7/5/15 - 7/12/15 7/19/15 - 7/26/15 8/16/15 - 8/23/15 11/6/16 - 11/13/16

Highlights from the Archives. Some favorite Trillian moments.

Void, Of Course: Eliminating Expectations and Emotions for a Better Way of Life

200i: iPodyssey

Macs Are from Venus, Windows is from Mars Can a relationship survive across platform barriers?
Jerking Off

Get A Job

Office Church Ladies: A Fieldguide

'Cause I'm a Blonde

True? Honestly? I think not.

A Good Day AND Funyuns?

The Easter Boy

Relationship in the Dumpster

Wedding Dress 4 Sale, Never Worn

Got Friends? Are You Sure? Take This Test

What About Class? Take This Test

A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away, There Was a Really Bad Movie

May Your Alchemical Process be Complete. Rob Roy Recipe

Good Thing She's Not in a Good Mood Very Often (We Knew it Wouldn't Last)

What Do I Have to Do to Put You in this Car Today?

Of Mice and Me (Killer Cat Strikes in Local Woman's Apartment)

Trillian: The Musical (The Holiday Special)

LA Woman (I Love (Hate) LA)

It is my Cultureth
...and it would suit-eth me kindly to speak-eth in such mannered tongue


It's a Little Bit Me, It's a Little Bit You
Blogging a Legacy for Future Generations

Parents Visiting? Use Trillian's Mantra!

Ghosts of Christmas Past: Mod Hair Ken

Caught Blogging by Mom, Boss or Other

2003 Holiday Sho-Lo/Mullet Awards

Crullers, The Beer Store and Other Saintly Places

Come on Out of that Doghouse! It's a Sunshine Day!

"...I had no idea our CEO is actually Paula Abdul in disguise."

Lap Dance of the Cripple

Of Muppets and American Idols
"I said happier place, not crappier place!"

Finally Off Crutches, Trillian is Emancipated

Payless? Trillian? Shoe Confessions

Reality Wednesday: Extremely Local Pub

Reality Wednesday: Backstage Staging Zone (The Sweater Blog)

The Night Secret Agent Man Shot My Dad

To Dream the Impossible Dream: The Office Karaoke Party

Trillian Flies Economy Class (Prisoner, Cell Block H)

Trillian Visits the Village of the Damned, Takes Drugs, Becomes Delusional and Blogs Her Brains Out

Trillian's Parents are Powerless

Striptease for Spiders: A PETA Charity Event (People for the Ethical Treatment of Arachnids)

What's Up with Trillian and the Richard Branson Worship?

"Screw the French and their politics, give me their cheese!"

Mail Trillian here

Trillian's Guide to the Galaxy gives 5 stars to these places in the Universe:
So much more than fun with fonts, this is a daily dose of visual poetry set against a backdrop of historical trivia. (C'mon, how can you not love a site that notes Wolfman Jack's birthday?!)


Alliance for the Great Lakes

Hot, so cool, so cool we're hot.

Ig Nobel Awards

And you think YOU have the worst bridesmaid dress?

Coolest Jewelry in the Universe here (trust Trillian, she knows)

Red Tango

If your boss is an idiot, click here.

Evil Cat Full of Loathing.

Wildlife Works

Detroit Cobras

The Beachwood Reporter is better than not all, but most sex.

Hey! Why not check out some great art and illustration while you're here? Please? It won't hurt and it's free.


Kii Arens

Tim Biskup

Jeff Soto


Get Fuzzy Now!
If you're not getting fuzzy, you should be. All hail Darby Conley. Yes, he's part of the Syndicate. But he's cool.

Who or what is HWNMNBS: (He Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken) Trillian's ex-fiancé. "Issues? What issues?"

Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.

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Reading blogs at work? Click to escape to a suitable site!

Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

Life(?) of Trillian

Monday, December 18, 2006  
Guys, please, help me and other women. Please explain why intelligent, emotionally well adjusted, professional men are attracted to women whose lives are in perpetual chaos.

They walk among us, these men. They're your friends, family and coworkers. They're normal, regular nice guys who one day wake up and decide to throw their lives into very, um, unusual circumstances for the sake of a woman. And generally not Hottie McBody women, either. Women whose lives are so different from these men, the men we like, that it astounds and confuses us and makes us wonder how they're able to even communicate much less establish a relationship. And yet, somehow, they do. These guys, these good guys, go in, we have to assume with eyes wide open, and embrace the chaos and weirdness, the trouble and sometimes serious legal problems of their new found loves.

I have four real-life examples of men I know very well, friends and family, case studies which baffle even the most romantic minded observers. I thought it was just me who was at a total loss as to what these men see in these women. But lately conversations have turned to concern for these men. People who care about them are worried about them. They’ve become so deeply involved/tangled up with these women they can’t see what’s happening to their lives. I’ve been trying to maintain an attitude of “Hey, it’s none of my business, as long as he’s happy who am I to judge?” But the growing cause for concern in each of these cases is that the men aren’t actually happy and are in fact pretty darned miserable. Yet they are clinging to a seemingly unrealistic hope the woman they are entangled with will change. In every case the men think that they are a positive and stable influence which will ultimately be good for their woman. They think if they live by example and clean up the messes these women have made of their lives that the women will be grateful and happy and miraculously transform into wonderful supportive and caring life partners. And you know, hey, maybe they will. Anything's possible. Everyone deserves as many chances as it takes to get their act together. But as I sit on the sidelines observing some men in the midst of the weirdness, I see the scales tipping the other direction. The men aren't bringing up the women, the women are taking down the men. These once positive, caring, upbeat, professional, fun guys are turning into cynical, suspicious, less than reliable men. They're always late for everything because they're always bailing their woman out of some mess. (Sometimes literally posting bail.) Their friends, family and jobs have to take a back seat because their woman is always in the throws of some emergency they are incapable of handling on their own. At first I wondered what these women did before they met the guys I know. Now I know the sad answer: These women always have a stable of men on call to do everything for them. My friends are just one of many in a long line of men who've served a tour of duty under their women. They're replaceable, and weirdly, I think that's part of the spell they're under: They're competitive and don't want to lose to someone else so they rise to every challenge so no one else has an opportunity to get in there and replace them. That's just a theory.

Increasingly it’s looking like each of them is being manipulated and used. By women who have a proven track record of this behavior. All four of these men entered into the relationships knowing something about their romantic interest “wasn’t quite right.” But they pursued and persisted and got their gal and now they’re in the midst of Maury Povich/Jerry Springer esque drama. One of these men was actually asked to appear on the Maury Povich show. Is if that isn’t scary enough, his comment about the phone call from the Maury Show was, “If it was Dr. Phil I would consider it.” This is a guy who has a graduate degree, 15 years of experience in a very professional industry, volunteers for high profile charities and yet he was willing to risk the slam on his reputation by airing his personal dirty laundry on national television. His girlfriend doesn’t want traditional counseling, you know, in a private office where you go and work on issues, no, she wants to use this guy and their problems as a conduit to appear on television. Why would someone do that? I’ve always wondered about that...and here’s her answer: She thinks it’s an easy way to get discovered by Hollywood talent scouts. Yep. She’s a real smart cookie, fame and fortune are just a Maury Povich show away. The concern here is not for her stupidity, shallowness or (possibly, giving her credit she probably doesn’t deserve) naïveté, but that the man is standing by her and didn’t dump her the second he got the call to be on the show.

I’m getting ahead of things here. Let’s look at the case studies first, shall we?

Case #1
How Trillian Knows Him: Work Associate (not a co-worker)
Age: Mid-thirties
Education: Graduate Degree (Top Tier University)
Family: Stable, “normal”
Past Relationship History: Two long term girlfriends prior to this one.

Case #1 met his current girlfriend on a rare night out at clubs. It wasn’t love at first sight, he wasn’t looking for “anything” other than a night out with his friends. But this woman persisted, gave him her phone number, but he didn’t call her. About a month later he was out with the boys for a bachelor party. They went to the club where the woman persisted with him and what do you know?! She was there, too! It’s fate! Right?! I mean, what are the odds of them being at the same club on the same nights?! Turns out pretty darned good because she’s there almost every night. But that’s only recently come to light. At the time she said she hadn’t been in since the night they first met, it must be fate, he really should call her. And for some as yet unexplained reason, even though he wasn’t “that” interested in her, a few days later he called her. And thus began the downward spiral. He took her to a nice restaurant on their first date. He told her where he was going to take her. So she knew where she was going. And yet when she appeared she was clad in scant club wear, and what little there was of the clothing was skin tight. Not exactly the sort of outfit they see a lot of in this restaurant. He was concerned for her feelings, he thought she simply didn’t understand what kind of restaurant it was or that her outfit would provoke raised eyebrows and scoffs in “that kind” of place. When he suggested a different, more hip, more accepting restaurant she pouted and got angry saying he’d promised to take her to that particular restaurant. So they went. And as predicted the men stared and the women rolled their eyes. She teased and flirted with the men and threw sneers at the women. Case #1 was not used to being with “that kind” of woman and he certainly wasn’t used to dealing with “that kind” of attention. After the date he defended her and got on a high liberal hippie horse saying, “What difference does it make what she wears? She should be able to wear whatever she wants, wherever she wants! People need to be more accepting and less judgmental!” Yeah, okay, sure, we’re with you in theory, but, if a woman goes to what she knows is a conservative venue dressed (barely) like a cage dancer at Club Trance, it’s fair to reason that you are calling attention to yourself and men will stare and women will disapprove.

So, after their first date Case #1 was already overly defensive regarding his date because of something she did and the sexual attention she called to herself.

Two weeks and four dates later she had commandeered part of his closet, most of his dresser and was staying with him because she had a long cab ride home and she preferred to stay with him in the city. Fair enough. I guess.

Except little was revealed about her life. Where she lived, apart from it being a long cab ride, was not revealed. What she did for a living was also a mystery. Family? Friends? Pets? Hobbies? Unknown. She just swooped in and grabbed Case #1 and took over his life. Hey, sometimes love happens that way, right? I mean, it had been a while since his break up and he was thinking it was time to meet someone new, and, well, he did.

Three months into their relationship he was talking about marrying her. Sure, very little was known about her, but what difference does it make? All we have is the here and now, right? And they were having fun. Most of the time, anyway, so it’s all good, right? I mean, the mysterious mobile phone calls she got between the hours of 2 AM and 8 AM, the fact that she always had her mobile phone on her or within reach, her whereabouts during the day, where she lived, her job, the fact that all of her clothes were made of lycra or spandex, all of that’s inconsequential, right?

And then one morning she got a call which set her into a panic. She said, “I have to leave, I’ve got a family emergency, good-bye.” And wasn’t heard from for two weeks. Case #1 was crazy worried about her. She finally left a message for him at work telling him to stop calling her. He did. And the next week the Maury Povich Show called him telling him that his “girlfriend” was going to be on the show and had a surprise for him. Case #1, not familiar with the Maury Povich Show, thought she was going to ask him to marry her.

Time out for a minute. Sometimes in relationships there are signs that things are not as they seem. Maybe it’s odd phone calls, maybe it’s a little too much unexplained cash laying around (or not enough). Just little things that don’t quite add up. You’re not a suspicious person by nature but something’s just not quite right. You choose to ignore the signs thinking, “This person has not betrayed my trust yet, and until they do I’m going to assume the best of them.”

But. When a daytime television show calling asking you to be a guest because your partner has a surprise for you, be afraid, be very afraid.

Fortunately Case #1 didn’t agree to be on Maury. He told the producer who called him to tell his “girlfriend” that he wanted to see her but not on national television.

She eventually called him trying to persuade him to be on the show. She thought it would be “fun” and a “big break” for her because a talent scout might see her and launch her career. What career? was the question on everyone’s lips. The question remains unanswered. She really wanted to see Case #1, though, because she missed him and had a surprise for him.

You know where this is going, don’t you? Yep. Straight to the DNA testing clinic.

The “girlfriend” was pregnant.

She was uncertain who fathered the child.

But wait! There’s more! She already has two children by two other men, one of them: Paternity unknown. So she wanted to go on Maury to get free DNA tests for her two already born children and get in line for a test for her unborn child. Oh. And. Get discovered by a Hollywood talent scout. Apparently she missed the auditions for “American Skanky Ho Idol.”

Here’s the baffling part of this. Case #1, my work associate, a nice, professional, responsible, relationship minded man, wants to try to work things out with this lying, irresponsible skank. He thinks all she needs is a positive influence and the emotional and financial security he can provide for her. He has this fantasy of adopting her children and putting her through college so she can make something of herself. He doesn’t care if the baby she’s carrying is his or not, he loves her and wants to have a life with her and her children, excuse me, “their” children.

I mean, all nice and noble and gee what a swell guy, but um, ya know, he dated some really nice, normal, calm, women who don’t manipulate men with pregnancy. What is it about the lies, the deception, the lycra, the Maury Povich Show and the babies by other men which make her irresistible to him? Why isn’t he running to a) get tested for STDs and b) a lawyer? Putting that elusive and weird thing called love aside, from a point of, “What the heck are you thinking?” why is he so willing and even eager to let this woman into his life? She admits she was having sex with “a lot” of men when she was with him but says she never lied about having children, she never said she didn’t have children. She never said she had children, either, and the whole lie of omission point doesn’t get anywhere with her. I mean, having two children is kind of a big deal. To most people. But not to her. My concern was for the existing children: Where were they when she was spending all that time with Case #1 (and the apparently many other men)? Who was taking care of these kids? Why wasn’t she, their mother, with them? Why would she conveniently not tell Case #1 that she had children? I mean, what the...? It concerns me that Case #1 doesn’t ask these questions. He just accepts her. Which is, you know, nice, but um, well, obviously she’s using him. And yet he doesn’t feel at all used. He feels honored when she finds time to spend with him. He is apparently happy being lied to and manipulated.

It’s his life and each their own, but what I’m wondering is, why is this woman whose life is completely out of control so attractive to him? Why does it not concern him that he was very nearly the unwitting “other man” on a DNA test Maury Povich Show?

Case #2
How Trillian Knows Him: Met as an Online Date (didn’t work out, became friends)
Age: Mid-thirties
Education: Undergraduate Degree (Big Ten University)
Family: Stable, “normal”
Past Relationship History: A very long term girlfriend and two short relationships prior to this one.

I met Case #2 a few years ago when I first tried online dating. He didn’t feel any “chemistry” and to be fair, much as I hate that concept, I didn’t really feel anything special toward him, either. One big issue was that he absolutely did not want children, didn’t want anything to do with kids, didn’t like being around kids, kids? Nope. Uh uh. He’s a neat freak and kids are messy. He likes things planned, orderly and on time. Children tend to disrupt schedules, order and plans. We kept in touch and every now and then we talk or meet for a drink after work.

A few months ago he met a woman online. She lives waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay out in the suburbs. The country, actually. He lives in the city. He’s been driving out to her neck of the woods because, well, funny story. At first she told him she doesn’t like the city. After a few dates it came to light that her driver’s license is revoked because of a few, okay, several, DUI offenses. She did a little jail time for one of them but hey, at least now when she drinks or gets high she can’t drive! It’s a little inconvenient because she has three children. By two different men. (Hey, at least she knows who the fathers are...) and her friends or the father of one of the kids has to drive them everywhere. But really it’s not such a big deal because said father of said child still happens to live in their house. Or, well, technically she’s and her kids are living in his house. But what about getting to work? you may be wondering. Funny you should ask about work. Not an issue. The woman has never worked a day in her life. She’s literally never held a job. Ever. She doesn’t want to work. She wants to be home with her kids. Which, you know, hey, that’s a noble desire. One might think one would consider how they are going to feed, shelter, educate and clothe their children before they actually had children, especially if one desires to be a stay at home mom. Because, you know, usually stay-at-home moms have go-to-work husbands or partners. But she found a way around that! She just moved in with her ex boyfriend who happens to be the father of one of her children.

Case #2 knows the living arrangements are not “ideal” and is working two jobs in an effort to save enough money to buy a house big enough for the girlfriend, her three kids and himself. This house will have to be in her town in the country because one of the kids is in school there and she doesn’t want to take him out of that school. He likes the city, he really doesn’t want to move to the suburbs, but hey, what choice does he have? She doesn’t work and can’t drive and there are the children to consider, so he feels the choice is made for him.

I’m not saying I’m a good catch. I’m not saying I don’t have problems. I’m not saying we were a perfect match. But. Given the choice between me, a woman who has a full time professional career and a part time job on nights and weekends to make ends meet, no jail time or DUI or children or ex boyfriends living under my roof, and woman who’s never worked, ever, done time in jail, has a revoked license for DUIs, three children and living with an ex boyfriend, I’m thinking the choice should be a no brainer. Apparently the obvious choice is not me.

I’m not jealous, in fact I really hoped this guy would find someone. I’m just surprised at who he found. The question is, why? Why would a normal, hard working, nice (albeit a little uptight in the schedule and tidiness areas) guy who doesn’t like kids be so drawn to woman who’s lazy, addicted and comes with three children? I can maybe understand changing your mind about kids, but somehow the combination of kids and an addicted mother who refuses to work and lives with an ex boyfriend doesn’t make me think it’s the little ones who won him over and changed his mind about kids. Opposites attract? Maybe. I dunno. Seems kind of extreme.

Case #3
How Trillian Knows Him: Relative
Age: Early-thirties
Education: Graduate Degree
Family: Stable, “normal”
Past Relationship History: Two serious girlfriends

This one sucks. Big time. But, it’s more proof to my strong stance that workplace romances are bad, bad, bad, bad news. Many lessons to be learned here, boys, so read carefully. Case #3 is in the medical profession. He hired an assistant. He fell for the trap and ruin of many a poor medical professional and hired “the hot one” instead of the “older one.” She flirted with him at the interview and he hired her. They were getting freaky in the exam room by the end of the second week she worked there. She moved in with him a month later. Four months after that she came home with an enormous diamond and told, yes, told him they were engaged and she’d bought the ring. This guy hates to shop so he was okay with that. And the thought of having a hot wife instead of just a hot girlfriend was okay with him, too. He was ready to settle down and, he, she was hot. So hot that she’d been a Budweiser Girl and was a swimsuit model. So hot all the male patients wanted her assist them. So hot a couple of new regular patients switched to Case #3, darnedest thing, they all knew the new assistant and had odd and recurring medical conditions and since she was familiar with their health history she took special care of them. In the exam rooms. So hot that whenever she went shopping she’d come home with a bunch of phone numbers from men she met while she was “shopping” with her girlfriends. On Friday nights. So hot she had three different mobile phones, one for family, one for friends and one, well, he never really did know why she had the third one.

One year after he hired her they were married. Two months after that she said she wasn’t feeling well and that she couldn’t go into their office that day. Case #3 called to check on her a few times during the day but when she didn’t answer the phone he just figured she was asleep. When he got home that night the house had been stripped of all the valuables. If it was worth more than $500 it was gone. Furniture, electronics, appliances, family heirlooms, everything had been meticulously removed, clearly a pre-meditated and calculated plan. Case #3 thought they’d been robbed. He cursed the alarm company and then panicked about the safety of his hot bride, who, gosh, what a coincidence, was home sick the very day they were robbed.

Obviously they weren’t robbed. The woman put together this plan the second she laid eyes on him. Looking back on it, she sure did know a lot about pre-nup agreements and divorce laws in their state. Looking back on it it was a little odd that none of her family and only a handful of her friends came to their huge lavish wedding. Looking back on it it’s weird that she didn’t really seem to know a lot about medicine, you know, for a medical assistant. Looking back on it she did have a lot of her swimsuit model photos on different websites. Looking back on it most stores close by 9 or 10 on Friday nights so where was she shopping?

Case #3 has been duped, robbed and used. He’s lost a lot, I mean, a LOT in this whole thing. She drew up a water tight pre-nup and she’s legally entitled to half of everything he ever earns. Thing is, she’s done this before. A man contacted Case #3 and said she’d done the same thing to him. He’s also in the medical profession, she used the exact scam on him just prior to meeting Case #3. So. There’s a chance they can prove that she’s running a scam and maybe get out of their pre-nups. But. Get this. Case #3 wants her to have whatever she wants. Money, stuff, whatever she wants. Because he wants her back. He wants to “work things out” with her. He doesn’t care what she did to him or what she’s done in the past. He just wants her back in his life.

Um. Yeah. Okay. I mean. I know the heartache all too well. And it’s a sad a horrible situation. I know that feeling. I know what it is to know you’ve been duped and treated badly and not care because that person on a bad day is better than anyone else on a good day. I know. I know. Apparently this runs in my family. But. For all his emotional savagery HWNMNBS never stole from me, didn’t marry me for my money (ha! that statement in conjunction with me makes me laugh so hard my stomach hurts) and to my knowledge wasn’t using that money to fund internet porn sites, posing for those sites and providing sexual favors for people met via said sites. Which is exactly what Case #3’s ex was/is doing. On the one hand it’s kinda nice to finally not be the sole source of shame and humiliation in the family, on the other hand I know darned well if she wants to reconcile he will jump at the chance.

Why? Why would a guy do this? Why would a well respected professional want anything to do with a woman who lied, connived, stole, cheated and shamed him? Because she’s hot? Really? I mean, seriously, being hot excuses everything else, even if everything else includes manipulation, thievery and porn?

Case #4
How Trillian Knows Him: Friend
Age: Early forties
Education: Graduate Degree
Family: Stable, “normal”
Past Relationship History: Three long term girlfriends.

Hoooo boy. Where to start with this one. Begin at the end of the beginning. They dated for a few years, she cheated on him. Twice. They broke up. He moved on with his life. For several years he was happily moving forward and upward with his life. He had a couple of good relationships which fizzled. He found the old flame who cheated on him and within a few days they were engaged. Within a few months they were married. She moved into his house. Within a year she “renovated” a spare bedroom. And moved into it because she didn’t want to sleep with him. She’s never lasted at a job more than eight weeks. (Her usual tolerance for a job is about three weeks, but she hung in there at one job, really toughed it out for a whole eight weeks.) She has not worked for the past three years. She claimed to be bi-polar. Case #4 believed this to be true because she had been exhibiting wild mood swings and a violent temper. He begged her to get professional help. She refused. She became more violent went from punching him to throwing things at him and threatening him with knives. He called the police. They made her get counseling. A team of psychologists concluded that she was sane and balanced and was faking bi-polar symptoms to get out of working or sharing affections with her husband. One of the psychologists recommended that my friend be tested for STDs. And yet, he stayed. Because he loves her and knows she has worthwhile qualities and in her own way she loves him. So he’s been providing funds for every whim or class she wants to take. She goes to a lot of self help seminars. Which don’t seem to be helping. Funny how people who are fascinated with pop psychology often “develop” the symptoms they’re studying. Dr. Phil is like drugs to her, every show brings a new symptom or cause for her to try out and blame, another excuse to use for not working, not being affectionate to her husband and basically not doing anything at all except point a finger at other people. Meanwhile, Case #4 is deeply in debt and struggling with emotional problems as a result of dealing with his wife’s make believe emotional problems. Lately she, too, has started stealing. Mainly from his elderly father. But because he and everyone else in the family are so afraid of her they let her get away with it. Yes. She’s manipulating Case #4 and his family. He knows this. And so far, doesn’t care. He feels it’s worth it. There’s something about this woman which captivates him. He doesn’t know what, and increasingly he’s seeing her more for what she really is than the sublime unrealistic version he sees. But. He finds her captivating and mysterious. Which is just another way of saying moody and suspicious. But he says even if he were to find another woman he’d want her to have the same or similar qualities as his wife. He would like it if she would work and contribute to the family income, help pay some of the household expenses or even just pay for her courses and hobbies. But if she doesn’t that’s okay. He’s got a decent job and an okay income, he doesn’t mind sharing, especially when he’s sharing it with one as special as she is.

I’m too close to this one to make too much fun of it. But. The point is that he could have had several different women, professional, intelligent, funny, nice, honest women. But he chose the exact opposite. A lazy, stupid, yelling, mean, liar of a shrew.


Why do such great guys fall head over heals with really awful women? Or at least women whose lives are complete and utter chaos? Is it the knight in shining armor thing? Is it some need to feel like you have to constantly defend someone? A need to work like a slave to provide a home for a woman who refuses to work? A need to be used and manipulated? A need to feel insecure and unsure of the stability of a relationship? A need to not be able to trust their partner? What is the lure of these women?

People have told me I’m “too nice.” I don’t believe in “too nice.” As long as a person isn’t being taken advantage of there’s no such thing as being too nice. We should all strive to be too nice. Aware, yes, and smart and perceptive enough to know when someone has an ulterior motive, yes. But also nice.

Since I’m obviously totally ignorant when it comes to relationships we can assume I’m completely wrong about my opinion on being too nice. Look at the women these guys date and marry. Those women are certainly not too nice, and they’re calling all the shots, not working, and getting their way, have everything provided to them by men who happily take great pains to give it to them. They are not too nice and they have a supply of men wrapped around their fingers.

This is beyond the bad boy syndrome. Women do like bad boys, oh yeah, we all go through that phase. And we should. We need to go through that phase to learn the allure, though fun for a few moments, comes with long term price tags we can’t afford. We learn we want to spend our emotional dollars on something more stable and trustworthy. We learn we don’t want to feel like crap because of a bad boy we knew was trouble. We learn to spot bad boys and avoid them in the future. Bad boy phases are completely necessary. But. They’re usually phases. Usually (hopefully) very quick phases.

They guys who fall for these women build their lives around them, want them forever and always. This is not a phase, this is some deep need which goes beyond exploring the wild side of life for a few weeks or months.

The lesson I (and other women) learn from this is: Behave badly. Use men. Lie. Cheat. Steal. Treat ‘em like crap. Have a bunch of kids by a bunch of different men, develop addictions, don’t work and generally be a drain on society. Apparently men like that sort of thing.

I’m thinking of changing my online profile to read something like that. It’s a little project I have brewing for the new year. A test case. If you know of a great guy who's head over heels with a woman who is, um, well, not exactly a great catch, send me some examples. I'm not home during the day so I can't use Maury as a classroom on bad behavior so I could use the pointers. I’m kind of scared, though, because I don’t think I’m going to like the results. I have a hunch it’s going to be wildly more popular than my honest, kind, professionally, emotionally balanced profile. Sure, during the holiday season it's easy for me to get my Grinch on, but I'm not sure I'm ready for a meaner tougher Trillian as a way of life.

3:43 PM

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