Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.

Otherwise, hello, and welcome.
Mail Trillian here<





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Women, The Internet and You: Tips for Men Who Use Online Dating Sites
Part I, Your Profile and Email

Part II, Selecting a Potential Date

Part III, Your First Date!

Part IV, After the First Date. Now What?


"50 First Dates"






Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.

Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Find Federal Officials
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or Search by State

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Contact The Media
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Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)

Quasar
Hyperbole
Amenable
Taciturn
Ennui
Prophetic
Tawdry
Hubris
Ethereal
Syzygy
Umbrageous
Twerp
Sluice
Omnipotent
Sanctuary
Malevolent
Maelstrom
Luddite
Subterfuge
Akimbo
Hoosegow
Dodecahedron
Visceral
Soupçon
Truculent
Vitriol
Mercurial
Kerfuffle
Sangfroid




























 







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Highlights from the Archives. Some favorite Trillian moments.

Void, Of Course: Eliminating Expectations and Emotions for a Better Way of Life

200i: iPodyssey

Macs Are from Venus, Windows is from Mars Can a relationship survive across platform barriers?
Jerking Off

Get A Job

Office Church Ladies: A Fieldguide

'Cause I'm a Blonde

True? Honestly? I think not.

A Good Day AND Funyuns?

The Easter Boy

Relationship in the Dumpster

Wedding Dress 4 Sale, Never Worn

Got Friends? Are You Sure? Take This Test

What About Class? Take This Test

A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away, There Was a Really Bad Movie

May Your Alchemical Process be Complete. Rob Roy Recipe

Good Thing She's Not in a Good Mood Very Often (We Knew it Wouldn't Last)

What Do I Have to Do to Put You in this Car Today?

Of Mice and Me (Killer Cat Strikes in Local Woman's Apartment)

Trillian: The Musical (The Holiday Special)

LA Woman (I Love (Hate) LA)

It is my Cultureth
...and it would suit-eth me kindly to speak-eth in such mannered tongue

Slanglish

It's a Little Bit Me, It's a Little Bit You
Blogging a Legacy for Future Generations


Parents Visiting? Use Trillian's Mantra!

Ghosts of Christmas Past: Mod Hair Ken

Caught Blogging by Mom, Boss or Other

2003 Holiday Sho-Lo/Mullet Awards

Crullers, The Beer Store and Other Saintly Places

Come on Out of that Doghouse! It's a Sunshine Day!

"...I had no idea our CEO is actually Paula Abdul in disguise."

Lap Dance of the Cripple

Of Muppets and American Idols
"I said happier place, not crappier place!"

Finally Off Crutches, Trillian is Emancipated

Payless? Trillian? Shoe Confessions

Reality Wednesday: Extremely Local Pub

Reality Wednesday: Backstage Staging Zone (The Sweater Blog)

The Night Secret Agent Man Shot My Dad

To Dream the Impossible Dream: The Office Karaoke Party

Trillian Flies Economy Class (Prisoner, Cell Block H)

Trillian Visits the Village of the Damned, Takes Drugs, Becomes Delusional and Blogs Her Brains Out

Trillian's Parents are Powerless

Striptease for Spiders: A PETA Charity Event (People for the Ethical Treatment of Arachnids)

What's Up with Trillian and the Richard Branson Worship?

"Screw the French and their politics, give me their cheese!"


















 
Mail Trillian here





Trillian's Guide to the Galaxy gives 5 stars to these places in the Universe:
So much more than fun with fonts, this is a daily dose of visual poetry set against a backdrop of historical trivia. (C'mon, how can you not love a site that notes Wolfman Jack's birthday?!)

CellStories

Alliance for the Great Lakes


Hot, so cool, so cool we're hot.

Ig Nobel Awards

And you think YOU have the worst bridesmaid dress?

Coolest Jewelry in the Universe here (trust Trillian, she knows)

Red Tango

If your boss is an idiot, click here.

Evil Cat Full of Loathing.

Wildlife Works

Detroit Cobras


The Beachwood Reporter is better than not all, but most sex.



Hey! Why not check out some great art and illustration while you're here? Please? It won't hurt and it's free.

Shag

Kii Arens

Tim Biskup

Jeff Soto

Jotto




Get Fuzzy Now!
If you're not getting fuzzy, you should be. All hail Darby Conley. Yes, he's part of the Syndicate. But he's cool.





Who or what is HWNMNBS: (He Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken) Trillian's ex-fiancé. "Issues? What issues?"







Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.


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Reading blogs at work? Click to escape to a suitable site!

Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains





























Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero

 
Friday, March 16, 2007  
I Just Wanna Go Home...
I feel numb - born with a weak heart
I guess I must be having fun


Here’s a question, perhaps a naïve or rhetorical question, but a question I feel a need to put out there in the Universe: Why are real estate transactions notoriously difficult?

I had no idea things “always” go wrong. Now that I’m in the middle of a lot of things going wrong I understand how many variables and people are involved. I suspect those are the main issues. Lots of people, lots of paperwork, lots of “experts” are “required” so there are loads of chances for things to go horribly wrong.

Everyone who’s been through this keeps telling me problems and snags are normal. I know only one person who’s had a smooth, on schedule home buying experience. And I know a lot of people who’ve bought homes. Just about everyone I know has a mortgage on something, and all of them have shared some tale of woe or crisis.

Which is good because I’ve learned from their experiences. And they’re all eager and willing to share their experiences with me. One of my friends had such a horrible ordeal buying their first place that they bought a new telephone with a completely different ring because the sound of their old telephone made them panic and feel queasy. I’m not that bad yet, but, I can now understand their anxiety and hostility about the whole thing.

Why am I stressed and plagued with weird dreams during the few hours I can sleep?
A) Because of all the things going wrong with my negotiation, and B) because of all the horror stories my friends and family are telling me about their house buying experiences.

The general rule of thumb is apparently: If it can go wrong, it will.

I’m lucky, I’ve got a great lawyer and a good real estate agent. But that doesn’t really mean much of anything because this isn’t all about me and my ability to find reliable, knowledgeable, experienced professionals. There are factors beyond my control. I am in the middle of a contractual negotiation with someone whom I have never met. This person has their set of people. And apparently this person does not have the skills or luck that I have in securing reliable, knowledgeable, experienced professionals. Unfortunately the House of Mirrors’ owner has a less than stellar agent and a sub-par lawyer. So even though I’ve lined up a great team to get through this process, they are only half of the required players. The seller’s responsibility is to line up the other half of the team. I have no control over the team the seller assembles. Which is really a ridiculous situation if you think about it for more than a minute.

Two complete strangers enter into a legal, contractual negotiation which is really no more than one person giving the other a load of money in exchange for a set of house keys, walls and roof. These two complete strangers are required to assemble two teams of agents, assessors, inspectors, lawyers and bankers. These teams are then required to play together. Both teams are simultaneously running offense and waging strong defenses. Meanwhile, the seller and I, who have never met or talked to each other, are losing sleep, trying to pack and arrange a move, oh, and, finalize the real estate transaction. We have the same goal. We’re effectively on the same team – we both want the same end result. And yet, in between us and our common goal are two sets of real estate agents, bankers and lawyers.

My lawyer rocks. Seriously, he totally rocks. I think I’m developing a sort of Stockholm Syndrome with him. Not that I view him as a captor, but, I am certainly at his mercy, and it wasn’t by choice I hired a lawyer. I was forced to hire a lawyer. The great state of Illinois requires homebuyers to hire a lawyer to represent them. There are ways to get around this, and situations where a lawyer is not required, but, those cases are few and far between. And as everyone who’s been through this advised me: The one person worth the expense in all of this is a good lawyer. Scrimp on whatever else you can in order to secure the services of a good lawyer. So I did. But the fact remains, he’s making a lot of money from me simply because I’m attempting to buy a condo. I’ve read what I can about real estate transactions and real estate law, and what I’ve read confirms what I was told: Pay a professional to represent you. So really, I’m held captive by ridiculously difficult and complex real estate laws, not the lawyer. But. He’s the human contact so he’s the captor representing the laws. And yes, I know, the laws are there to protect me. And if/when this all goes wrong, my lawyer assures me that he, and those laws, will protect me. Just like the SLA assured Patty Hearst they would protect her. Fortunately for me it won’t take a presidential pardon to get me out of this real estate deal when (yes, it’s starting to be when, not if) it all goes wrong, it’ll just take some good work on the part of my captor, my lawyer.

All of this simply because I need a place to live.

We’re not talking about a Donald Trumpian transaction, here. We’re talking about a teeny tiny condo changing owners. The money involved is paltry and in the big picture, not worth all the headaches, phone calls, racing around, faxes, and hassles involved. Seriously. There are cars sold daily for more money than the price of the House of Mirrors (HōM). Yes. It’s a lot of money to me, and probably a lot of money to the seller, but to put this in perspective, we’re talking about a low income housing situation here. I could go out this afternoon and buy a car for the same price as the House of Mirrors (HōM). Get the insurance and drive away. Done. Over. No lawyers. No assessors. No inspectors. No relying upon other people to secure reliable professionals. Just me, the sales person, the insurance company and the bank. All of whom would be selected by me. And in a day, maybe two, I’d have the car. I realize a car is an entirely different commodity than a condo – but, if we’re looking at bottom line price, why would a car of the same value as a condo be easier to buy? Or, more correctly, why is low income home, a condo so cheap and small it’s the price of a car, so much more difficult to buy than a car? By virtue of the selling price, value and low income buyer it’s a small transaction between two people who do not have a lot of money. So why are we forced to pay a lot of money to people who have a lot more money than us simply because the seller wants to sell their condo and I want to buy it? The inspector, assessor and lawyer fees are pretty much the same regardless of the price of the home. The only variable is the agents’ cut of the deal which is typically a percentage of the final price of the home. Why? Why do us low income buyers and sellers have to pay a ton of money we obviously do not have merely to exchange money and house keys? I know, I know, it’s real estate. It’s different than a car, it’s (hopefully) going to appreciate in value. And of course the reason: there are property taxes and a heck of a lot of other taxes involved. Taxes = money in the system at an annual rate. A lot of money. So why not begin the homeownership process by throwing the new homeowner into the deep end of the pool right from the start? Get every penny you can out of them so they get used to paying a lot of money above and beyond their mortgage payment. A “you’re in the Army now, kid” approach.

This is why I’ve never been too bothered about paying rent. Sure, the rent money goes into someone else’s bank account, but that someone is also responsible for all the headache and hassle involved with owning real estate. My tiny little tax deduction I’ll get from the House of Mirrors (HōM) is hardly worth all the stress, anxiety and hassle I’m dealing with in the process of trying to buy it. People tell me this is all normal. People tell me it will be worth it. I have doubts. Especially since I don’t love the place. I don’t even really like it that much. What fuels a lot of people through the real estate transaction process is more than a need for a home. They’ve typically found a place they want to live. They are driven by desire. The headaches, hassle and ridiculousness of the situation are a means to a happy end for them. They’ve got their eyes on the prize of a home they want and maybe even love. Me? I’m dealing with all of this for a House of Mirrors (HōM) about which I feel nothing. It’s a place to live, shelter from the elements, a small tax deduction and a lot of property tax in Daley’s pocket.

Remember the Ben Dover joke in Fletch? Yeah, well, that’s how I feel about the House of Mirrors (HōM). Every time the phone rings I want to answer it with, "Ben, BenDover here, how much money would you like from me and how much pain would you like to inflict upon me?"

Everyone says it’s normal to feel this way. Everyone says it’s part of the process. People roll their eyes or laugh knowingly. “Har har, I remember my first real estate purchase, hoooooo boy, I don’t envy you right now. But it’ll be worth it, you’re doing the right thing even though it doesn’t feel like it at this point. Talk to me next year at tax time, you’ll be grinning from ear to ear.”

Okay. Well, I’ll have to take that on faith at the moment.

But why is it a universally difficult and painful experience? It’s more than the huge amount of money for the mortgage, it’s even more than the huge amounts of money paid to affiliated leeches extorting money from prospective homebuyers (though that is a huge part of it, to be sure), it’s the hassle and headache involved. A lot of people buy real estate every day. Why, in all these years, hasn’t the system been streamlined and simplified? Oh sure, there are many industries involved and a ton of money to be lost by simplifying the process, but, it stands to reason more people would buy real estate if the process weren’t so painful. Because let me tell you, if by some miracle I a) stick with the process and b) I actually end up owning the House of Mirrors (HōM), there is no way I’m going to turn around and go through this again any time soon. There’s a slim chance it’s like childbirth, you forget the pain really quickly, so quickly you turn around and do it again, but from the perspective of someone smack in the middle of a difficult labor process, it seems unlikely I’ll forget about how badly it hurts.

1:56 PM

 
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