Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.

Otherwise, hello, and welcome.
Mail Trillian here<





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Women, The Internet and You: Tips for Men Who Use Online Dating Sites
Part I, Your Profile and Email

Part II, Selecting a Potential Date

Part III, Your First Date!

Part IV, After the First Date. Now What?


"50 First Dates"






Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.

Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Find Federal Officials
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or Search by State

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Contact The Media
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Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)

Quasar
Hyperbole
Amenable
Taciturn
Ennui
Prophetic
Tawdry
Hubris
Ethereal
Syzygy
Umbrageous
Twerp
Sluice
Omnipotent
Sanctuary
Malevolent
Maelstrom
Luddite
Subterfuge
Akimbo
Hoosegow
Dodecahedron
Visceral
Soupçon
Truculent
Vitriol
Mercurial
Kerfuffle
Sangfroid




























 







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Highlights from the Archives. Some favorite Trillian moments.

Void, Of Course: Eliminating Expectations and Emotions for a Better Way of Life

200i: iPodyssey

Macs Are from Venus, Windows is from Mars Can a relationship survive across platform barriers?
Jerking Off

Get A Job

Office Church Ladies: A Fieldguide

'Cause I'm a Blonde

True? Honestly? I think not.

A Good Day AND Funyuns?

The Easter Boy

Relationship in the Dumpster

Wedding Dress 4 Sale, Never Worn

Got Friends? Are You Sure? Take This Test

What About Class? Take This Test

A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away, There Was a Really Bad Movie

May Your Alchemical Process be Complete. Rob Roy Recipe

Good Thing She's Not in a Good Mood Very Often (We Knew it Wouldn't Last)

What Do I Have to Do to Put You in this Car Today?

Of Mice and Me (Killer Cat Strikes in Local Woman's Apartment)

Trillian: The Musical (The Holiday Special)

LA Woman (I Love (Hate) LA)

It is my Cultureth
...and it would suit-eth me kindly to speak-eth in such mannered tongue

Slanglish

It's a Little Bit Me, It's a Little Bit You
Blogging a Legacy for Future Generations


Parents Visiting? Use Trillian's Mantra!

Ghosts of Christmas Past: Mod Hair Ken

Caught Blogging by Mom, Boss or Other

2003 Holiday Sho-Lo/Mullet Awards

Crullers, The Beer Store and Other Saintly Places

Come on Out of that Doghouse! It's a Sunshine Day!

"...I had no idea our CEO is actually Paula Abdul in disguise."

Lap Dance of the Cripple

Of Muppets and American Idols
"I said happier place, not crappier place!"

Finally Off Crutches, Trillian is Emancipated

Payless? Trillian? Shoe Confessions

Reality Wednesday: Extremely Local Pub

Reality Wednesday: Backstage Staging Zone (The Sweater Blog)

The Night Secret Agent Man Shot My Dad

To Dream the Impossible Dream: The Office Karaoke Party

Trillian Flies Economy Class (Prisoner, Cell Block H)

Trillian Visits the Village of the Damned, Takes Drugs, Becomes Delusional and Blogs Her Brains Out

Trillian's Parents are Powerless

Striptease for Spiders: A PETA Charity Event (People for the Ethical Treatment of Arachnids)

What's Up with Trillian and the Richard Branson Worship?

"Screw the French and their politics, give me their cheese!"


















 
Mail Trillian here





Trillian's Guide to the Galaxy gives 5 stars to these places in the Universe:
So much more than fun with fonts, this is a daily dose of visual poetry set against a backdrop of historical trivia. (C'mon, how can you not love a site that notes Wolfman Jack's birthday?!)

CellStories

Alliance for the Great Lakes


Hot, so cool, so cool we're hot.

Ig Nobel Awards

And you think YOU have the worst bridesmaid dress?

Coolest Jewelry in the Universe here (trust Trillian, she knows)

Red Tango

If your boss is an idiot, click here.

Evil Cat Full of Loathing.

Wildlife Works

Detroit Cobras


The Beachwood Reporter is better than not all, but most sex.



Hey! Why not check out some great art and illustration while you're here? Please? It won't hurt and it's free.

Shag

Kii Arens

Tim Biskup

Jeff Soto

Jotto




Get Fuzzy Now!
If you're not getting fuzzy, you should be. All hail Darby Conley. Yes, he's part of the Syndicate. But he's cool.





Who or what is HWNMNBS: (He Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken) Trillian's ex-fiancé. "Issues? What issues?"







Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.


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Reading blogs at work? Click to escape to a suitable site!

Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains





























Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero

 
Tuesday, January 08, 2008  
Dear Ron (Huberman),
Hi! How’s it going?! I’m okay, getting better. Boy, the ol’ foot and ankle surgery sure has been a pain (literally!) but I’m on the mend. One step at a time! Har har!

I know how busy you and your staff have been since September, so no hard feelings about the lack of response to my calls and emails requesting information on the paratransit program. As it turns out taxis and friends were able to get me to and from work the past few months. Oh sure, they don’t have handicap vehicles and it cost me a lot of money in taxi fares, but hey, it’s temporary and what with everything going on at the CTA I understand the transportation needs of a handicapped commuter are low on the priority list. I was thinking maybe since you’re so short staffed that you can’t even return phone calls and emails requesting information about the paratransit program, perhaps you could just eliminate it altogether. That would probably save the CTA some money. Besides, if all the bus routes slated to be cut on January 20 are actually cut, a lot of handicapped bus riders are going to be SOL because most of the train stations are a) inconvenient, b) not handicap accessible or c) as is the case with the nearest "handicap accessible" train station to me, inoperative (the nearest handicap station to me is three stops away and the elevator has not been "in service" since the beginning of October. And yes, Ron, yes, I did as your website instructs and called to report the problem.) You and PACE should probably just go ahead and eliminate the paratransit program before they start squawking about ADA laws and compliance and generally tying up the apparently already overworked and understaffed CTA paratransit reps. You know, a little pre-emptive defense.

I took the CTA website’s advice and tried to plan my route based on handicap accessible buses and trains. Whoooo boy! That was quite a challenge! Gotta hand it to you, using the CTA while handicapped is more fun than watching The Amazing Race! Which made me wonder, have you thought about generating some extra revenue by having a network reality show where handicapped contestants try to navigate their way around Chicago using CTA?! That would be great television. Even better than American Idol. What’s funnier than watching handicapped people struggle to manage in a city full of barriers?! OMG, soooo funny. Simon Cowell making fun of fat and ugly people is nowhere near as funny as watching handicapped people and laughing at them from the cozy privacy and comfort of the living room couch. It would be like America’s Funniest Videos. Based on that show's longevity and popularity, people love watching other people get hurt!

Boy am I glad my handicap was only temporary! Guess what?! The doctor told me I can try walking with a cane! OMG! I’m so excited! Just in time, too! After January 20 all the buses which travel from my neighborhood to anywhere near my office are going to be cut. Whew! That was close! Oh sure, hobbling up and down two wet and slippery steep flights of stairs with an ankle brace and a cane to get to the train platforms won’t be a lot of fun, but hey, it beats the $30 (one way) cab fare to get to work! And now that I’m out of the full leg cast and off the wheels, I love to test my physical limits! Oh sure, the surgery isn’t quite healed yet, and those huge and deep puddles in the station and on the stairs are a bit problematic, but no pain, no gain, right?!

But this isn’t just a social call! I’m writing to let you know how I would like the CTA to spend the $163 they got from me the past few months. Yep, I donated $163 (so far) to the CTA. I love you all that much. Big hug.

I take advantage of the CTA Chicago Plus card. I pay for it via pretax! payroll deduction at work. This costs me $75/month. A real bargain considering I get unlimited rides on the buses and trains! Okay, sure, I only use the CTA for commuting to work and I’m only saving about $5/month, but hey, still a bargain! Okay. So. I didn’t ride for a week in October, and I only rode two buses in November and four buses in December.

I planned on riding buses more during my handicap adventure, but a) nobody returned my calls or emails with information about paratransit programs and more to the pertinent point, b) the handicap accessibility on my bus routes was marred by the overcrowding on the buses. I would have loved to have taken advantage of the handicap accessible buses, but they’re so crowded that my handicap scooter and prone leg in cast couldn’t get on the buses. Even when I tried playing the “oh, poor handicapped girl” shtick, and even when other passengers were nice and tried to help me, there was simply not enough room due to overcrowded buses. On several occasions I waited for, and tried to get on, five different consecutive buses to no avail due to already overstuffed aisles and seats. Because I have a job and I am expected to be at that job at a certain time every day, waiting more than an hour for a bus which might possibly not be so crowded that me and my leg caddy could fit on it isn't an option. I learned to leave early, extra early, but even so, typically after 45 minutes of waiting for a bus I could squeeze onto I gave up and got a cab or made a panicked call pleading to a friend's mercy to help me. Funny that the CTA is planning on cutting these packed bus routes since they seem to be so popular…kind of weird they’re eliminating routes which are cash cows…but hey, I’m not the president or treasurer of public transportation in Chicago so what would I know?!

Right. So. Because I rode at least once in October, November and December, my Chicago Plus fare card was activated. My $75/month was deducted from my paycheck. Now, as you know, with the Chicago Plus fare cards the fee is $75/month, no matter how often or infrequently you ride the CTA and there is no “balance.” No excess or "balance" to carry over into the next month or accrue on the card. It’s $75/month, period. If you don’t ride $75 worth, well, you’ve just donated the excess to the city of Chicago. (Thank you from the bottom of Mayor Daley’s coffers, tourists and infrequent riders who pay for more than they ride! Mayor Daley welcomes you! And your unused CTA fares!) Since I was only able to ride six rides in November and December, the CTA netted a profit of $138 from me. Add the $20 excess from October and you get a $158 donation to the city of Chicago.

Boy, am I feeling like a good citizen right about now!

But wait, there’s more! So, so much more.

Along came January, and the new year. And a new me! I can now hobble up and down wet and slippery L station stairs and even crowd onto packed buses and stand leaning on my cane on the packed buses! Woo hoo! ’08 is great! So I started using my fare card again! Woo hoo! But then, darn it, last night my fare card wouldn’t give me access to the train station. The nice and oh so helpful station agent looked at the card, tried it several times, said a bunch of stuff at me that I didn't understand in what I believe was Puerto Rican Spanglish and finally thrust the card in my face and said, punctuated with jabbing the card at my nose, “No WORK!!! NO WORK!!!” Whoooo boy was she mad! She must really sympathize with my situation! Such sincere empathy! Such compassion! Such passion for my "no work" card. Other commuters passing by thought she was mad at me, and I can see where it could have appeared that way, what with her jabbing my card in my face and yelling in my direction and all, but I smiled apologetically, because of course this is all my fault, and explained to the other commuters, "no work" with a meek and apologetic shrug. I mean, after all, the station agent has so many more pressing and urgent duties, I know helping a customer is a low priority and not something station agents are accustomed to doing. It's a big interruption to their demanding schedule. And clearly she was channeling my frustration and confusion and letting it out, letting it all out, for both of us, with her Spanglish yelling at me. The end result: Apparently my fully charged and loaded Chicago Plus fare card, in pristine condition thanks to a fancy holder they gave us at work, has a problem. It "no work."

But! Lucky us! There’s a phone number right on the back of the card! Such amazing service. Really, you guys think of everything.

Oh sure, I had to wait on hold for 75 minutes, but it was sooooooo worth it to talk to a CTA Chicago Card Plus rep! OMG! Seriously, it was the most amazing customer service experience of my life. Waaaaay better than the Big Blue Colored Health Insurance reps. Until now, my all time favorite customer service experience was the fraud department of my local bank by way of Bombay. But you guys, the CTA, found a way to top even that incredible customer service phone line. Big hug.

Since it was ascertained that my card was not working, "no work," a replacement card will be issued. At a cost of $5. In five to ten business days. Since I already “activated” the fare card this month, and because it’s a Chicago PLUS fare card, not only do I have to pay a $5 replacement fee, I have to pay for all the CTA rides I need before the new card arrives. So far I’ve paid $6, and I assume the new card won’t arrive until next week, so let’s just go ahead and call it an even $24. In addition to the $75 monthly fee on the card.

So, actually, now that I think about it, it’s not $163. It’s more like a donation of $187.

Here’s how I’d like you to spend the money. Take yourself to lunch! Figure a nice meal, with a good tip, what, $50? $75? Oh, and take someone with you, of course, I mean, it’s just lonely to eat lunch alone. So let’s say $100 for lunch for you and a guest. Might I suggest Dick Daley as a dining companion? Boy would I love to see the look on his face when you reach for the check for a change! Ha!

Now, as for the remaining $87, I’ve given this a lot of thought.

English as a second language classes for my local station agent? Bucket of molten tar and a ladder to help patch a few of the leaks in my local station roof so the stairs aren’t wet, puddled and slippery? Safety flares for the #147 buses which habitually break down on Lake Shore Drive? Business Communication Etiquette training (or maybe a relaxation spa day) for the Chicago Card Plus phone rep?

So many choices, so little money. What to do, what to do…

You know what? How about donuts for the next budget meeting? You all work so hard to make public transportation and commuting in Chicago such an easy and pleasant experience for us citizens, go on, go ahead, splurge, get the bear claws and jelly filleds. They’re on me. Big hug.

Sincerely, and I mean that, sincerely,
Trillian

cc: Carole L. Brown, CTA Chairman, Dennis Anosike, CTA Treasurer
bcc: Dick the 'Tater Daley, Mayor

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