Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.

Otherwise, hello, and welcome.
Mail Trillian here<





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Women, The Internet and You: Tips for Men Who Use Online Dating Sites
Part I, Your Profile and Email

Part II, Selecting a Potential Date

Part III, Your First Date!

Part IV, After the First Date. Now What?


"50 First Dates"






Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.

Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Find Federal Officials
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or Search by State

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Contact The Media
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Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)

Quasar
Hyperbole
Amenable
Taciturn
Ennui
Prophetic
Tawdry
Hubris
Ethereal
Syzygy
Umbrageous
Twerp
Sluice
Omnipotent
Sanctuary
Malevolent
Maelstrom
Luddite
Subterfuge
Akimbo
Hoosegow
Dodecahedron
Visceral
Soupçon
Truculent
Vitriol
Mercurial
Kerfuffle
Sangfroid




























 







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Highlights from the Archives. Some favorite Trillian moments.

Void, Of Course: Eliminating Expectations and Emotions for a Better Way of Life

200i: iPodyssey

Macs Are from Venus, Windows is from Mars Can a relationship survive across platform barriers?
Jerking Off

Get A Job

Office Church Ladies: A Fieldguide

'Cause I'm a Blonde

True? Honestly? I think not.

A Good Day AND Funyuns?

The Easter Boy

Relationship in the Dumpster

Wedding Dress 4 Sale, Never Worn

Got Friends? Are You Sure? Take This Test

What About Class? Take This Test

A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away, There Was a Really Bad Movie

May Your Alchemical Process be Complete. Rob Roy Recipe

Good Thing She's Not in a Good Mood Very Often (We Knew it Wouldn't Last)

What Do I Have to Do to Put You in this Car Today?

Of Mice and Me (Killer Cat Strikes in Local Woman's Apartment)

Trillian: The Musical (The Holiday Special)

LA Woman (I Love (Hate) LA)

It is my Cultureth
...and it would suit-eth me kindly to speak-eth in such mannered tongue

Slanglish

It's a Little Bit Me, It's a Little Bit You
Blogging a Legacy for Future Generations


Parents Visiting? Use Trillian's Mantra!

Ghosts of Christmas Past: Mod Hair Ken

Caught Blogging by Mom, Boss or Other

2003 Holiday Sho-Lo/Mullet Awards

Crullers, The Beer Store and Other Saintly Places

Come on Out of that Doghouse! It's a Sunshine Day!

"...I had no idea our CEO is actually Paula Abdul in disguise."

Lap Dance of the Cripple

Of Muppets and American Idols
"I said happier place, not crappier place!"

Finally Off Crutches, Trillian is Emancipated

Payless? Trillian? Shoe Confessions

Reality Wednesday: Extremely Local Pub

Reality Wednesday: Backstage Staging Zone (The Sweater Blog)

The Night Secret Agent Man Shot My Dad

To Dream the Impossible Dream: The Office Karaoke Party

Trillian Flies Economy Class (Prisoner, Cell Block H)

Trillian Visits the Village of the Damned, Takes Drugs, Becomes Delusional and Blogs Her Brains Out

Trillian's Parents are Powerless

Striptease for Spiders: A PETA Charity Event (People for the Ethical Treatment of Arachnids)

What's Up with Trillian and the Richard Branson Worship?

"Screw the French and their politics, give me their cheese!"


















 
Mail Trillian here





Trillian's Guide to the Galaxy gives 5 stars to these places in the Universe:
So much more than fun with fonts, this is a daily dose of visual poetry set against a backdrop of historical trivia. (C'mon, how can you not love a site that notes Wolfman Jack's birthday?!)

CellStories

Alliance for the Great Lakes


Hot, so cool, so cool we're hot.

Ig Nobel Awards

And you think YOU have the worst bridesmaid dress?

Coolest Jewelry in the Universe here (trust Trillian, she knows)

Red Tango

If your boss is an idiot, click here.

Evil Cat Full of Loathing.

Wildlife Works

Detroit Cobras


The Beachwood Reporter is better than not all, but most sex.



Hey! Why not check out some great art and illustration while you're here? Please? It won't hurt and it's free.

Shag

Kii Arens

Tim Biskup

Jeff Soto

Jotto




Get Fuzzy Now!
If you're not getting fuzzy, you should be. All hail Darby Conley. Yes, he's part of the Syndicate. But he's cool.





Who or what is HWNMNBS: (He Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken) Trillian's ex-fiancé. "Issues? What issues?"







Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.


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Reading blogs at work? Click to escape to a suitable site!

Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains





























Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero

 
Friday, May 02, 2008  
Because I'm sick of my life(?) I'm going to go into denial and think about something else for a few minutes.

Men. Online dating. Facial Hair.

Bleccch.

This horror must be stopped. Guys, if you're trying online dating, lose the facial hair. Don’t have any. I know, I know, I know. Your face, your right to adorn it. Some chicks really dig it. Trust me. I’ve heard every reason, excuse, and overly-defensive proclamation of self expression.

But. If you’re not getting any responses to your online profile, take a look in the mirror and ask yourself if the reason/excuse/defensive proclamation is really worth risking sacrificing potential attention from women or even dates.

I’m not picky about looks. Let the record state: I have gone out with short, fat bald men. Several of them. But I am picky about hygiene and grooming. Showers at least a few times a week, clean clothes, you know, that sort of thing. More often than not, facial hair is stubble. Less self expression and painstaking grooming, more wishy-washy, “I was hungover and didn’t have time to shave this morning maybe I can pull this off as a cool artsy look.” Unless you are truly, in the farthest depths of your soul, 100% okay with a woman having that exact attitude about her legs and arm pits, you might want to re-evaluate your attitude about that stubble on your face. And stubble looks dirty. And even with full grown “mature” facial hair, no matter how artfully trimmed/edged/clipped, there’s an element of “um, ahem, um, you’ve got a biscotti crumb…” Is this a big deal? No. Of course not.

But, it’s a factor.

I’m very forgiving, easy going about that sort of thing. I have overlooked all of that and gone out with men who have stubble/facial hair. I’ve even kissed a few. I didn’t enjoy it. A mouth full of hair or stubble just isn’t my thing. And the chaffed, sore upper lip and chin for the next week ruled out any further kissing action. I endured it with one guy because I really liked him. But he was killing me, wreaking havoc on my skin, every time we kissed. My face would be red, chaffed and gross looking for up to four days after a date with him. People at work thought I had a weird lower face strain of Rosacea or for some unexplained reason I was getting dermabrasion treatments. And it’s not like we were face mashing for hours on end. I’m talking just “normal,” somewhat abbreviated good-night make-outs.

The soul patch and ‘stache might seem artsy and cool, but ask yourself this question: Would you want to kiss someone with facial hair or stubble? No? Okay, so then why on earth do you think any woman would want to kiss a man with facial hair?

And ya know what? I’m gonna go there. Yep. I am. I’m gonna break a blog rule and share a little very personal insight. I lived in abject fear that soul patch and ‘stache guy would want to go down there. If his facial hair caused so much painful chaffing and skin irritation on my face, I could only imagine the horror that would result down there. And let me say, I like a little tongue action down there as much as (and by conversations I’ve had with close female friends, maybe even a little more than) any other gal. So for me to dread the possibility of the act is a pretty huge deal. Nothing ever developed beyond kissing so it was a non-issue, but, much as I liked the guy, one good thing about him dumping me was the overwhelming sense of relief I felt over not having to deal with that (literally) sensitive issue and not having to slather on skin irritation ointments after seeing him.

And let me reiterate, I liked this guy. A lot. Which is why I put up with the painful skin irritation. The women who see your profile photo online don’t know you and have no reason to be forgiving about your facial hair.

Soul patch and ‘stache guy left such a painful impression on me that ever since then when I see facial hair on a guy I might at some point kiss, I find myself flinching and feeling itchy around the mouth. It’s my Viet Nam War Syndrome. And I am not alone. Many women have endured for the sake of a good guy only to be left with painful gag reflex reactions to potential dates with facial haired men.

And now a word about baldness. Man’s hair starts to thin and recede. Man freaks out every time he washes his hair and clogs the drain. Man becomes frantic and tries every baldness remedy on the market. Man eventually realizes he’s fighting a losing battle. Man begins to rationalize to protect his ego. Man decides to shave what remains of his head hair and grow artistic facial hair. Man thinks he’s pulled a fast one on the world by adopting a new look. Women see said man. Women have an instant assessment of the baldness/compensation issue. Women ignore man because they don’t want to be with man who has that kind of self esteem issue. Women exclaim in exasperation to their girl friends, “why the compensation with facial hair? Baldness is what it is, deal with it gracefully. No combovers, no long stringy ponytails, no facial hair! You’re not fooling anyone! And the facial hair compensation issue is just completely ridiculous. Apples and oranges. Flat chested women don’t try to gain weight in their stomachs or butts to compensate for their lack of boobs! So why the facial hair compensation ruse?!” If you’re having trouble coping with hair loss, I’m sorry. Really. I’m sympathetic. I can imagine that it’s distressing. I can imagine that you assign a lot of negativity to it. And I’m sorry, really. But guess what?! I’m a nice person who is not superficial and if you don’t do something stupid like try to compensate with facial hair, I’d love to get to know you! And I know a lot of other women who feel the same way. But the second the whole facial hair compensation thing comes into play we start wondering about your personality and why you can’t accept genetics and why you think we’re so stupid that we’d fall for your compensation facial hair ruse. And in many cases, like me, the facial hair triggers an uncomfortable memory response and we move along to the next guy.

And now a word about "bad" skin. Okay. I know, I know. I hear this reason a lot. Men with "bad" skin often grow beards to hide their skin thinking the beard to be the lesser of two strikes against them. And shaving irritates their skin condition and makes it worse. Okay, okay. I understand. I have issues with my legs and ingrown hairs. (hey! that's another way too personal confession!) I know. Okay? I know. I'm sorry. Really I am. And you know what? Most women are sympathetic about skin issues. Once a month most of us have to deal with all kinds of weirdness with our skin. We could tell you some hormonal skin horror stories. Unless you're a guy who really, truly cannot shave because of a skin condition, make peace with whatever damage was done in the past and shave.

And now a word about chubby faces. A lot of men, a lot of men, seem to feel that facial hair makes their faces look less chubby. Goatees, chin/neck beards seem to be the trend for men who are trying to camouflage a chubby face or double chin. Guys, you're not fooling anyone. And in the case of soul patches and goatees, you're calling even more attention to double chins and chubby cheeks. So. Just. Don't. Do. It. I think Burl Ives was married. Maybe you're looking for the kind of woman who likes a Burl Ives kind of guy. If you're hoping that woman is under the age of 85, good luck with that.

Here's the biggest deal with facial hair. If you take my advice and post a photo on your profile featuring your warm, sincere smile and sparkly eyes and no facial hair, for the love of Gillette do not show up on the first date with facial hair. 1) she won’t recognize you and 2) she will not be impressed. Maybe she’ll be okay with it, politely not mention it, but trust me, believe me when I say, she will make a mental note of it and will never, ever forget that you “lied” on your online profile and/or were too lazy to shave for the first date. Why risk that kind of ill will? Just shave for crying out loud.

I suppose there are women who love facial hair on a man. Certainly enough men out there have beards and other hairy accoutrement who have women in their lives, so women must date them. But I don’t know any who would. But I’m sure they must exist. Tough skinned women who like a rugged, “virile” looking kind of guy. My friend’s sister’s sister-in-law is married to a guy with “artistic” facial hair. She doesn’t like it but is pretty sure it’s just a phase. She's staying quiet about it hoping it will just go away and is dealing with it until then. By dealing with it I mean spending $120/week on spa facials to minimize the pain and redness on her face from kissing her husband's new hirsute face. Now that I think of it, it being bearded men, I think Barry Gibb is married, so there’s at least one woman who’s okay with facial hair. But I'm guessing it's not an even ratio. I doubt there's a hairy face loving woman for every man who wants a hairy face. You can hold out for that one special facial hair loving woman to come along, or, you can shave and post a clean shaven photo on your profile.

If you’re sitting there thinking, “Wow, I didn’t think Trillian was shallow like that. I didn’t think she’d be the type to judge anyone on looks, especially something as insignificant as facial hair. What a bitch.” Okay, fair enough. For one as ugly as me, one who has been ridiculed, teased and hurt over and over again because of my lack of pleasing visage to have even one moment of judgment about any physical characteristic is completely out of line. But. Remember, I’ve endured kissing men with facial hair. I’m forgiving and willing to try.

Most other women are not. You are not dating me. Therefore think long and hard about what sort of first impression you’re making on women with your facial hair.

2:34 PM

 
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