Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.

Otherwise, hello, and welcome.
Mail Trillian here<





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Women, The Internet and You: Tips for Men Who Use Online Dating Sites
Part I, Your Profile and Email

Part II, Selecting a Potential Date

Part III, Your First Date!

Part IV, After the First Date. Now What?


"50 First Dates"






Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.

Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
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Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)

Quasar
Hyperbole
Amenable
Taciturn
Ennui
Prophetic
Tawdry
Hubris
Ethereal
Syzygy
Umbrageous
Twerp
Sluice
Omnipotent
Sanctuary
Malevolent
Maelstrom
Luddite
Subterfuge
Akimbo
Hoosegow
Dodecahedron
Visceral
Soupçon
Truculent
Vitriol
Mercurial
Kerfuffle
Sangfroid




























 







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Highlights from the Archives. Some favorite Trillian moments.

Void, Of Course: Eliminating Expectations and Emotions for a Better Way of Life

200i: iPodyssey

Macs Are from Venus, Windows is from Mars Can a relationship survive across platform barriers?
Jerking Off

Get A Job

Office Church Ladies: A Fieldguide

'Cause I'm a Blonde

True? Honestly? I think not.

A Good Day AND Funyuns?

The Easter Boy

Relationship in the Dumpster

Wedding Dress 4 Sale, Never Worn

Got Friends? Are You Sure? Take This Test

What About Class? Take This Test

A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away, There Was a Really Bad Movie

May Your Alchemical Process be Complete. Rob Roy Recipe

Good Thing She's Not in a Good Mood Very Often (We Knew it Wouldn't Last)

What Do I Have to Do to Put You in this Car Today?

Of Mice and Me (Killer Cat Strikes in Local Woman's Apartment)

Trillian: The Musical (The Holiday Special)

LA Woman (I Love (Hate) LA)

It is my Cultureth
...and it would suit-eth me kindly to speak-eth in such mannered tongue

Slanglish

It's a Little Bit Me, It's a Little Bit You
Blogging a Legacy for Future Generations


Parents Visiting? Use Trillian's Mantra!

Ghosts of Christmas Past: Mod Hair Ken

Caught Blogging by Mom, Boss or Other

2003 Holiday Sho-Lo/Mullet Awards

Crullers, The Beer Store and Other Saintly Places

Come on Out of that Doghouse! It's a Sunshine Day!

"...I had no idea our CEO is actually Paula Abdul in disguise."

Lap Dance of the Cripple

Of Muppets and American Idols
"I said happier place, not crappier place!"

Finally Off Crutches, Trillian is Emancipated

Payless? Trillian? Shoe Confessions

Reality Wednesday: Extremely Local Pub

Reality Wednesday: Backstage Staging Zone (The Sweater Blog)

The Night Secret Agent Man Shot My Dad

To Dream the Impossible Dream: The Office Karaoke Party

Trillian Flies Economy Class (Prisoner, Cell Block H)

Trillian Visits the Village of the Damned, Takes Drugs, Becomes Delusional and Blogs Her Brains Out

Trillian's Parents are Powerless

Striptease for Spiders: A PETA Charity Event (People for the Ethical Treatment of Arachnids)

What's Up with Trillian and the Richard Branson Worship?

"Screw the French and their politics, give me their cheese!"


















 
Mail Trillian here





Trillian's Guide to the Galaxy gives 5 stars to these places in the Universe:
So much more than fun with fonts, this is a daily dose of visual poetry set against a backdrop of historical trivia. (C'mon, how can you not love a site that notes Wolfman Jack's birthday?!)

CellStories

Alliance for the Great Lakes


Hot, so cool, so cool we're hot.

Ig Nobel Awards

And you think YOU have the worst bridesmaid dress?

Coolest Jewelry in the Universe here (trust Trillian, she knows)

Red Tango

If your boss is an idiot, click here.

Evil Cat Full of Loathing.

Wildlife Works

Detroit Cobras


The Beachwood Reporter is better than not all, but most sex.



Hey! Why not check out some great art and illustration while you're here? Please? It won't hurt and it's free.

Shag

Kii Arens

Tim Biskup

Jeff Soto

Jotto




Get Fuzzy Now!
If you're not getting fuzzy, you should be. All hail Darby Conley. Yes, he's part of the Syndicate. But he's cool.





Who or what is HWNMNBS: (He Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken) Trillian's ex-fiancé. "Issues? What issues?"







Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.


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Reading blogs at work? Click to escape to a suitable site!

Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains





























Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero

 
Wednesday, September 10, 2008  
Ripped from the headlines:

“Particle collider fires, no black holes form.”


Whew.

We lived through another page of history.

That gives me a sense of accomplishment.

I didn’t get sucked into the infinite vortex of a black hole.

No matter how bad the rest of the day, or even the week is, s'all good. No black holes formed.

Where can I get an "I survived a proton particle collision and all I got was this stupid t-shirt" t-shirt?

It does make the rest of the day seem so trivial, though. After avoiding black hole consumption everything else is just a hastily written denouement. Work, meetings, the gym, a bowl of cereal for dinner, brush teeth, bed… I mean, it all pales in significance. It’s all so, so, meager. So mundane. So pointless.

No, I’m not mocking the collider. I’ve been in rapt anticipation and excitement about it and I’m excited beyond articulation about what it means for the scientific community, physics, life, the Universe and everything. There’s hope for the human species. Not all of us are selfish, stupid, and preoccupied with appearance and celebrity gossip. (As an apt asidebar, will someone, please, please, for the sake of the human race, please make The Hills stop? Please? Or, failing that, explain it (and it’s popularity and the apparently limitless fascination with the actors) to me?)

Funny how one successful firing of an atom collider throws me into an existential funk. I’m so small and stupid and insignificant and the Universe and it’s mysteries are so big… What’s the point? Why bother?

Which is why I’m trying to revel in the success of avoiding being sucked into a black hole. It's that or get sucked into the infinite vortex of an existential black hole.

I can’t take any credit for being remotely clever enough to develop something like the collider. Cripes, I can barely understand its basic principles. But I’m patting myself on the back on behalf of my species. We’ve been so preoccupied with scoring points against the Universe that we haven’t scored any points for the Universe in a while, so let’s bask in our glory. We spent a ton of money, messed around with protons and physics and Really Big and Really Cold Vacuums and not only did we avoid creating earth sucking black holes, no one got hurt in the process. And, here’s the icing on the cake, it worked. I mean, really, for us, our species, that’s pretty monumental. (Hubble Telescope fiasco, anyone?)

Though, heh heh, if the collider had, um, you know, created black hole(s) and wreaked havoc on the fabric of the entire Universe the whole Global Warming thing would have become a moot issue. The few remaining polar bears, as they whirled into the vortex would have looked at humans, put their paws on their hips, smirked, shrugged in an accusatory “what do you expect from humans?” kind of way. Dolphins would have put a jocular flipper on the polar bears’ shoulders, then also would have smirked at the humans but added a roll of their eyes and a “we tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen, would you? You just had to do it your way. Well, now look what you’ve gone and done” kind of look.

But we (our species) messed around with protons and vacuums and heavy machinery and we didn't disrupt the fabric of the Universe. (Or did we...perhaps this all happened four years ago. LOST debuted September 22, 2004. The Hadron Collider was originally supposed to be completed in 2005. Coincidence?? Suspending logic and all credibility, one theory could be that LOST isn't merely a serial television drama. Perhaps it's a documentary of what happened when they tested the Hadron Collider in October, 2004, before it was, you know, really ready to be tested. That would explain the back and forth and back and forward in time issues. The Darma Initiative could actually be CERN. The whole series could be transmissions sent from inside a dimensional ripple just prior to being sucked into the black hole. Four years ago. And we're just now receiving them. It would also explain the ripple-y atmosphere when the plane crashed. It would also explain everything on the island heretofore dismissed as wacky island psychotropic drug related halucinations. Speaking of Polar Bears.)

Here’s what concerns me. After spending way too much time in the past few months trying to get my head around how the collider works and all the reasons why it wouldn’t create a planet sucking black hole, I decided to allow myself to ponder the “what if” questions. I read up on the Schwarzschild radius event horizon, Einstein’s theory of relativity, gravitational physics 101 and every episode of Star Trek I’ve ever seen. Scary bit indicating I really, really need to seek professional help in 3-2-1: Here’s what all that reading and pondering left me wondering: So, let’s say a black hole of planet sucking infinite vortex proportions were manufactured in France. Or Switzerland. Whichever. Okay. They fire up the old collider and whoosh! away we all go, sucked into a black hole. Since the collider is in the Northern hemisphere would it suck us in clockwise, or counterclockwise, or straight in, no swirl? Are black holes just giant toilets using atomic vacuum energy instead of water?

Further, if a planet sucking infinite black hole collider was built in the Southern hemisphere (shout out to Australia), and it was fired up at the exact time as the Hadron collider in France. Switzerland. Whichever. would the two (hypothetically) opposite direction swirling planet sucking infinite vortex black holes cancel each other out, basically suck each other up to a point of nonexistence, leaving everyone standing there wondering what happened and checking the power outlet to make sure the things were plugged in?

I told you our species is in big trouble. I’m not appearance or celebrity obsessed but I’m not exactly putting my gray matter to significant use, either. Mysteries of the Universe are being unlocked and I’m laying awake at night wondering if the direction of swirl in a planet sucking infinite vortex of a black hole is dependent upon which hemisphere the collider resides. You know, like a toilet.

I also spent waaaaaay too much time musing on how best to find out the answer. I’m guessing when you get sucked into the infinite vortex of a black hole things are kind of frantic. You know, there at the edge of the Schwarzschild radius you probably tend to get a bit panicky. And then oops, away you go. Over the event horizon. Never to be seen again. I’m guessing given those circumstances it’s easy to get a little directionally turned around. There you are swirling in infinity, probably being stretched and particulated all over the place, and then you think, “hey, am I being swirled, stretched and particulated clockwise, or counterclockwise? Oh crap, I can’t even tell up from down. Wait, let me take a look at my watch. If I’m swirling the same direction as the second hand I’m swirling clockwise! And that will be helpful information because then I can begin to triangulate and figure out up (and out) from down (and into the infinite absorption of a black hole). Wow. I never imagined I’d be able to think these sorts of thoughts in the midst of being stretched and particulated in the infinite vortex of a black hole. My sophomore physics and trigonometry teachers were right! I am glad I paid attention! I am using this in real life! Oh but wait. Time. Movement. Gears. Momentum. Vacuum. Crap. What was that I learned in physics? Shoot. How does that go again? I knew I should have worn my Casio digital calculator watch today, I knew it!”

Yep. After laying awake nights thinking about the direction of the swirl of black holes, or if there’s any swirl at all, the best game plan I could come up with is: Wear a digital watch. Preferably one with a calculator. The analog (gear) style watch is (presumably) of no use whatsoever in a black hole, but a digital watch might at least keep counting accurate Earth time. Sure, once you’re sucked into an infinite vortex of a black hole Earth time is pretty much pointless. But. It is a familiar frame of reference.

And that leads us neatly back to Einstein’s theory of relativity. It is all relative. You’re in a black hole. Sucked into its infinite vortex. Earth time is relatively pointless in comparison to your new time zone in an infinite vacuum. It’s a point of familiar reference, but it’s all relative to your new v. former realities. You’re being sucked into the infinite vortex of a black hole. Do you really care what time it is in Earth increments? Trust me, this much I know, if Earth is sucked into a black hole The Hills will not be showing at its regularly scheduled time. Not even tears, drama, cute accessories and a lame soundtrack can change that. Time as we know it on normal Earth truly is irrelevant once you're sucked into the infinite vortex of a planet sucking black hole.

So. Yay us. "Particle collider fires, no black holes form" Life as we know it, water swirling in the directions we've come to expect and time marching along the way we know it, sans planet sucking black hole vacuum, continues. We deserve a t-shirt.

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