Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.
Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.
Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)
Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)
Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains
Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away
Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains
A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right
Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains
Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
LOST is back and that makes me happy. Oh I know it's been really lame, but the man-o-rama still has merit. Sawyer, Desmond, Sayid, Jin, everything's going to be okay. It's alllll going to be okay.
Which is good because I've been feeling really ranty. Stuff's bugging me.
I'm getting t-shirts made that say, "My senator moved to Washington, DC and all I got was Roland Burris." Anyone want to buy one?
Do you like, "My senator got elected president and all I got was Roland Burris?" better?
I dunno. Call me a stickler for fairness and equality. Call me too old school, too Robert's Rules of Order. Just seems like us constituents would be given the chance to vote, to choose who is going to represent us in the US Senate. Seems like our former senator who is, um, currently otherwise employed, might show some concern for the constituents who helped to catapult him the Oval Office. Now he's all, "Oooo, sworn oath this" and "Inauguration that." Mr. Leader of the Free World is too busy, better than us, can't muddy his hands with the dirt back in his district.
Whatever, dude. I hope you're happy. Don't worry about us, we'll be fine, go on, run along, have fun. We'll be fine.
My senator moved to Washington, DC and all I got was Roland Burris.
“I’m sorry?”
I’m sorry???
Seriously? That’s it?
Geithner didn’t pay Social Security and Medicare for three years –once, twice, three times a tax fraud – and now he’s sorry?
Careless and avoidable mistakes, he says. Heck yes they’re avoidable mistakes.
But hey, give him the job of Treasury secretary, who, heh heh, gotta love the irony here, heh heh, commands the IRS.
What? He didn't get the job at H&R Block so now he wants a job heading the IRS?
I realize I live and work in a very different world from Geithner. And I’m not self-employed. So I don’t have a choice in paying Social Security and MediCare. I never see the money, it doesn’t go through my hands. Ever. Every two weeks 6% of my salary goes directly to Social Security. Another 1.5% of my salary goes directly to MediCare. There’s no waiting for the end of the year or a tap by an incoming president for a high level job which will put my tax statements under scrutiny to pay those fees.
Wouldn’t it be great if the same logic applied to all of us?
“Gosh, I’m sorry Mr. Hospital, I thought I paid that bill. Oops, I guess that was a different exam bill. Sorry. My bad. It was an avoidable mistake. I should have read it more carefully. I assure you it was unintentional. Now, let’s credit flowing!”
Or, “Golly Mr. Daley, I thought I paid my property tax. Oops! I guess not! Sorry. My bad. Yes, I was careless, it was an avoidable mistake. I should have read the tax statements more carefully. I didn’t mean to not pay my property tax, it was unintentional. Let’s get credit rolling!”
Crimony. If only we could live and breathe in that dome of rarified air where politicians and their appointees live. What knocks me into incredulity is not that Geithner did this in the first place, or that he has the audacity to hope for a Presidential appointment as Treasury secretary. What puts my mouth agape is the incredible set of balls he must have to think we (us regular tax paying citizens) will be so hopped up high on inauguration buzz that we won’t notice his little hearing and his statements about his tax fraud, or worse, that by peppering his apology with fear mongering “a deep uncertainty about what tomorrow holds” statements that we’ll all be so afraid for ourselves that we’ll lose sight of his tax fraud. “Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!”
And Volcker has the audacity of hoping that we’ll believe him when he claims that Geithner is the best qualified individual to fix the economy? Wow. Wow.
But then again, maybe that’s true. If I want advice on how to not get mugged or raped, I’d listen to what a mugger or rapist has to say. Maybe a tax frauder is the best person for the Treasury job, the person in charge of the IRS. Takes one to know one…you can’t con a con…maybe he could spot a fraudulent tax return better than anyone else.
But. If he gets this job I have a great plan for getting the economy moving! Every tax payer gets a 7.5% decrease in their taxes (or equal to their usual Social Security and MediCare deductions) for three years. I could do a lot with 7.5% of my salary. A lot. Even if I had to repay it in four or five years, I can turn that 7.5% into a lot more money that it would earn in the Fed’s hands in the next few years.
The people who booed and gave crude gestures to former President Bush as he departed DC embarrassed and shamed all Americans. And worse, the networks which aired the footage around the world have sunk to new lows I didn’t think possible. I truly thought Rock of Love III was the last nail in the television integrity coffin. But then there’s the “news” coverage seen ‘round the world of immature inauguration revelers booing and obscenely gesturing at the departing president. Of course there will be people who boo and gesture, of course. Every crowd has them. But to air this footage, repeatedly, montaged with soft focus glamour-clips of the Obamas, is so irresponsible that it’s verging on propaganda. I’m not saying they shouldn’t report “the news.” But the booing and gesturing is getting a lot of play, all over the world.
If they’re so glad to see him leave they should be cheering as he departed, right? Technically booing implies they’re sad to see him go. Oh right. That’s applying logic to a mob mentality.
No. I am not a Bush supporter. Yes. I’m glad his terms have ended. But. Those immature, disrespectful hecklers make us all look bad. They make democracy look bad. Remember, he was an elected official. We have no one to blame for his being in office but ourselves.
Why am I so riled up about this? Because one of my co-workers was at the inauguration. She emailed us video clips of her in the crowd. She’s one of the booers. She’s laughing and screaming profanities at the departing Bush. Nice. Let’s post that to our company’s employee profile page! And okay, fine, she got caught up in the moment and was under the influence of our new personal Jesus. I could make that excuse.
But.
This is a person who has proudly exclaimed for the past year that she’s never voted. Ever. That the November election was the first time she ever stepped foot in a polling place. She “ain’t never cared about no president before” Obama ran. Okay. I think I get that, and hey, I typically vote independent and people tell me that’s a wasted vote, so, who am I to judge? Until I saw that clip of her booing and yelling profanities at the departing Bush I didn’t judge.
But someone who has never, ever voted has no right to boo, heckle, cajole or yell profanities at an elected official. I’ve heard a lot of this sort of thing in the past year. People who never voted, never cared about their government or politics are “inspired to participate and vote," now. Yes. That’s great. Every citizen should be involved in their government and if it takes Obama to light a fire under some people, then great.
But.
I can’t help but wonder what might have been if all those first time voters in the ’08 election would have voted in previous elections. Maybe we wouldn’t have had eight years of Bush. Maybe the same person who booed and yelled profanities at the departing Bush should take a moment to look at her own actions, or lack thereof, and reflect upon why she’s so happy to see him go and why she didn’t do something to prevent him from getting there in the first place.
These are the thoughts that go through the minds of people viewing those clips in other countries. It makes us all look bad. It makes the whole world wonder why we voted for him in the first place. Oh right. Many people didn’t vote for him.
Many people didn’t vote at all.
We do not live in a dictatorial regime. Yet those booers, hecklers, profanity yellers behaved as if a centuries old reign of evil had been overthrown. I saw similar footage of jubilant Iraqis when Saddam Hussein was captured. Bush sucked, but he was no Saddam Hussein. We're fortunate enough to live in a country where we get to choose a new president every four years. We get to choose who represents us in the Senate and House of Congress. Every four years. Nothing is forever, especially politicians.
I know. It sounds like I’m defending Bush. I’m not. I’m defending the democratic process. An evil empire was not overthrown, a president merely ended his term. It was going to happen, no matter what. And I’m defending those of us who are old fashioned enough to believe in behaving ourselves in public when we’re on the world stage with cameras rolling. Dignity? Respect? Decorum? Do those mean anything anymore or am I sounding like some fuddy duddy old grandma?
I love kids. I really do. I wish I had some. Maybe that's why it really bugs me when some self-important stay-at-home mother who hasn't contributed to Social Security since she went on maternity leave has the gall and stupidity to go off on an incensed huff about how her darling children will be paying my social security. Telling me that it's fair that I, a single-zero am forced to pay as much (more, actually) tax as parents pay. Up on a high horse pointing her finger in my face "reminding me" that it's fair that I pay tax which supports education and schools for children I don't have because all children are our future and I, a childless tax payer, should be forced to contribute equally to our future, which is in the hands of the kids in school. Ladies, women who haven't worked in years and have no intention of ever working and contributing money to income and property tax, Social Security and MediCare: Shut. The. Swut. Up. Don't get all high and mighty on me simply because you got a couple eggs fertilized and used your uterus for nine months and then quit working, quit contributing money into The System.
Yes, your husband contributes, your "household" contributes, but you, personally, do not. I contribute to Social Security and MediCare (see above, 7.5% of every paycheck). I pay property taxes which fund your kids' schools (see above, Daley). One day your children will, too. But you, stay-at-home mom, do not. Your children are going to have to fund your Social Security and MediCare because you are not contributing to Social Security and MediCare. Don't drag me (or anyone else who works) into your vicious cycle of guilt and justification. Get off your self-righteous high horse and get a job then I'll happily discuss your children, their education and their future Social Security and MediCare contributions.
Why is American Idol still on television?
Whew. There. Stuff's been bugging me.
Happy place. Man-o-rama. A good reason to watch LOST other than the man-o-rama? Hurley Wisdom. "Maybe if you ate more comfort food you wouldn't have to go around shooting people." Amen, Brother Hurley.
8:40 PM
I know it's lame but tee hee the thought of being on an island with Sawyer and him calling me Gizmo makes me all giggley.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Speaking of O'Hare, I've been meaning to ask this for a few years and keep forgetting to pose it to the Universe.
Has anyone traveling through O'Hare in the past few years noticed "anything" about the the TSA announcement that's played over the loud speakers in all the concourses? It's a 60 second(ish) PSA about the security level status and reminding passengers not to leave their bags unattended.
All airports have them, I think, or at least all the airports I've been in since 9/11, anyway.
But there's something "different" about O'Hare's TSA PSA.
That something different makes me giggle. Which is a bad thing because a woman traveling on her own giggling to an announcement about the security code level is suspicious, to say the least.
Why do I giggle at the TSA PSA at O'Hare?
Because I'll bet a hard earned paycheck it's recorded by John Astin, AKA Gomez Addams.
If it's not Gomez, I mean John Astin, it's someone who sounds exactly like him.
Why would O'Hare and the TSA team up for a PSA? I have no idea why John Astin would agree to it other than he has done a lot of voice work on animated series so maybe it was just another gig for him. Or maybe he feels strongly about the Homeland Security Code levels. As for why the TSA would choose Gomez, I have a few theories.
He's a universally known character, but not so universally known that everyone would instantly recognize the voice and get all caught up in why they're doing a PSA and not pay attention to the actual message. (Like I'm doing right now.) Lucille Ball, or Fred Flintstone or Gilligan or Screech, for instance, would be instantly recognized and everyone would start talking about their favorite episodes and how Bob Denver was a pothead and Screech does porn...and...those characters don't instill a lot of confidence. Think about it: A lot of universally well known voices are attached to bumbling idiot characters. Lucy, Fred, Gilligan or Screech telling me about the security threat level doesn't instill me with a lot of confidence in just how seriously the TSA is really taking all this terrorist stuff.
But on the other hand, someone like the voiceover guy from Dragnet or John Walsh would be too scary. We'd hear the announcement, the concourse would go quiet as we all kept one eye on our bags and the other suspiciously eying each other. We need to be alert, not scared. We need to be aware, not freaked out about fellow passengers.
Someone like William Shatner would be good. But Captain Kirk is busy with all that Priceline stuff. It would probably be a conflict of interest. Could he sell discounted airplane tickets and issue the security warnings at the airports for those flights? Probably not. And it would seem a little suspicious, too. Kirk selling plane tickets is one thing, makes sense, he used to command a Star Fleet. When you think "pilot who can get a flying vessel out of any problem," you think of the brightly colored polyester jumpsuited jet setter sexing his way through space. But when you think of security and well being and keeping an eye on your bags, he's not the go-to guy. Maybe Bones, he seems responsible, he was a safety-first kind of guy. But not Kirk. Kirk took a lot of risks. Kirk telling you not to leave your bags unattended is like Hugh Hefner telling you not to listen to Barry White on a third date.
Rod Serling would be a good choice. Sort of. Credible. Authoritative but not threatening. He's "one of us." Rod Serling doesn't talk down to us, he points out weird stuff and let's us draw our own conclusions. Much like traveling post 9/11. "We were too trusting, a bit lax, and that led to some problems so now we've upped our security game. There are codes, 'levels' and right now you're traveling during an 'orange' level during your layover in, The Security Zone." I know. You're with me on this now, aren't you?
Unfortunately (for reasons way beyond musing about security PSAs) Rod Serling's dead. Kirk's got other obligations (and a possible conflict of interest).
Hmmm, who, then? Who? Who best to alert passengers about the threat level and watching their bags without freaking them out? Someone, a voice people will recognize and pay attention to but won't dismiss, either. Someone familiar to instill trust, but not too familiar so people don't pay attention. Who? Who could we get to voice the security PSA?
Someone kind but with a take charge confidence. Someone authoritative but approachable. Someone worldly but down to earth. Someone fun but trustworthy. Someone who is successful but generous. Someone versed in matters of the law without speaking legalese. Someone educated but graced with good luck. Someone strong but not threatening. Someone with a serious air but a joyous spirit. Someone multi-lingual but without a thick or weird accent. Someone with a vast and intimate knowledge of weaponry but with a pacifistic nature. Who? Where could we find such a person? Does such a person even exist?
Yes! Yes of course! Cara mia! Gomez Addams!!! The perfect character to voice the security information. (And, somewhat disconcertingly, I just realized the perfect guy for me. How did I just now realize that? Romantic, devoted, fun, a little goofy, generous, trustworthy, caring, compassionate, well-traveled, spontaneous, educated, interesting and interested, civic minded, family oriented, friendly...if it weren't for the cigar smoking Gomez Addams is my ideal man. I'm not saying that's a good thing, I'm just saying it's weird that I just realized that.)
If you have, or are going to, travel through O'Hare keep your ears alert for the terror alert level PSA. Tell me if you hear Gomez Addams or if I'm hearing voices.
5:36 PM
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Throw a question to the Universe and an answer will come back to you. Of this I am certain.
I questioned the need for online social networking. A few days later a practical application was presented to me.
How about a story problem?! Yeah! That'll be fun! Who doesn't love story problems?!
Trillian is flying on a commercial jetliner from Midville, where she lives and works, to Lalaland, where she has family and friends. 2,000 miles and two time zones separate Midville and Lalaland. Trillian's flight is delayed by one hour. The airline gives status updates in 20 minute intervals. Trillian can call or email the person scheduled to pick her up at the airport in Lalaland, tell them she's going to be late, then call another person in Lalaland and ask them to pick her up since she'll be arriving late and the person originally going to pick her up has a schedule conflict with her now later arrival, and then call her boss to let her know her flight is delayed and can use the delay time to check in with a few clients; or, Trillian can log onto an online social networking site and update all affected people with one post and/or joint email.
Okay, that's cool. Convenient. But. A group email would achieve the same solution. A social networking site isn't necessary.
Trillian's flight finally boards and takes off for Lalaland. Two minutes after takeoff the smoke alarms on Trillian's plane begin chiming. The emergency lighting on her plane begins flashing. Flight attendants are seen rushing with fire extinguishers to the front of the airplane cabin. Five minutes into Trillian's flight the pilot announces the plane will be making an emergency landing, returning to Midville.
A pungent smell fills the cabin of Trillian's plane. The flight attendants demonstrate crash landing positions to the passengers and assign emergency exits row-by-row. The passengers all assume the crash landing position, fighting the effect of the centrifugal force of the hard banked turning descent the pilot is executing with the plane. The fire alarms and emergency lighting are still sounding and flashing. The pungent smell growing stronger and causing sneezing and coughing throughout the cabin.
The Midville airport and runways are now in view from the passengers' windows. Trillian notices a passenger across the aisle surreptitiously turning on their cell phone. Trillian, head tucked between crossed arms braced against the seat in front of her, hears a few "on" chimes from other cell phones on the plane. Trillian briefly wonders if the warning of cell phones interfering with the plane's navigation and communication equipment has any basis in fact. Trillian has long thought this is a lot of nonsensical hooey but firmly believes everyone should follow the flight rules if for no other reason than she doesn't want to be trapped on an airplane with the incessant phone conversations of fellow passengers blabbing away for the duration of the flight. Trillian hears the passenger across the aisle whispering into their cell phone, "I love you, okay? I love you. Just stay on the line with me until we're on the ground." Trillian ponders the person on the other end of that phone call and what's going through their mind. Trillian decides there and then that she will never make a "last phone call" from a potentially life threatening situation.
Trillian then thinks about social networking sites. Through the intensity of the emergency landing Trillian smiles. Trillian realizes there is a practical application for online social networking. If you're on a plane making an emergency landing because of an onboard fire, one quick text on Facebook could post a message to give all friends and family (and the entire world!) a parting thought, a last good-bye, a message to not bother to pick them up at the destination airport, or an explanation of what happened so the investigation team wouldn't have to wait to find the Black Box. A quick photo or two could also be snapped and posted.
The question is: Would texting a last good-bye, information or a photo from an emergency landing to a social networking site be a sick, mean-spirited thing to do, or a thoughtful last good-bye friends and family (and the entire world!) could share?
On the pro side, it certainly eases the burden of being the person on the other end of a desperate phone call from a burning airplane. It spreads that responsibility among all friends, family and colleagues (and the entire world!). And hey, the plane is on fire and making an emergency landing, you're sitting there in crash position holding your breath waiting for the plane to touch down and either burst into flames on impact...or not...what else are you going to do to ease the tension?
Pray? Yeah, I suppose. There's an old adage that everyone's religious on an airplane.
On the con side, it's kind of sick. And no matter how well intended, no matter how sincere, how loving or informative, the fact will always remain that the message was sent from a crashing/burning/whatever airplane. Could anyone find any real comfort from words (or photos) sent just before impact? The image of the friend or family member spending their last moments hurtling toward the ground feverishly texting a message doesn't evoke the serenity we hope for our loved one's final moments. And there's an element of an overly dramatic "good-bye, cruel world" to it.
And that's the main issue at the heart of the debate. You're on a plane, there's a fire in the cabin, you're making an emergency landing, you decide the communication/navigation warning about cell phones is a lot of nonsensical hooey and you have switched on your phone. You call your mother but she's not home, you ring your best friend and their line is busy, you call your boss and get their voice mail...so...you think, "Wait a sec, I'll post a message on Facebook!" What the heck do you say? And do you post it in status updates, a wall-to-wall, a comment or a message? Status updates could make for some interesting play-by-play action for those watching at home or in the office.
"Tricia McMillian's plane is on fire and she's hurtling toward the ground." "Tricia McMillian can see the flashing lights of the emergency vehicles on the runway." "Tricia McMillian's eyes are burning and she's short of breath." "Tricia McMillian is feeling dizzy." "Tricia McMillian had a feeling it would end this way and is pondering if listening to her intuition would prevented or merely prolonged the inevitable." "Tricia McMillian apologizes for the preceding existential pondering." "Tricia McMillian has found God and is curious if anyone knows any good prayers." "Tricia McMillian thinks she's going to throw up." "Tricia McMillian is wondering if she should bother using the barf bag." "Tricia McMillian is bracing for impact." "Tricia McMillian is sorry for any hurt she may have ever caused anyone in her entire life, even that kid on the hockey team who tormented her for 8 months straight, Tricia shouldn't have sought revenge of any kind, but especially not the kind of revenge she exacted on him." "Tricia McMillian is forgiving everyone who caused her pain, even those who arrogantly think they've done nothing wrong. And stupid Beth Jacobsen. And the hiring manager who wouldn't give her a chance at a job Tricia knows she would have excelled. And anyone else who judged, dismissed or selfishly, wrongly accused and blamed her for their own shortcomings. All is forgiven." "Tricia McMillian is insisting she is not bitter or resentful." "Tricia McMillian loves her family and friends very much." "Tricia McMillian is annoyed that she is going to miss the final episode of LOST." "Tricia McMillian is laughing at the irony of her simultaneously being in a plane crash and annoyed that she's going to miss the final episode of LOST." "Tricia McMillian is aware this is no laughing matter but what else is she supposed to text? 'Help, my plane is on fire and we're making a crash landing?!'" "Tricia McMillian is reminding her mother that the details of her life insurance policy are in the closet safe, and the combination to the safe is 42241979." "Tricia McMillian is reminding her mother that the arrogant prat in HR will try to say this wasn't a work-related flight and the extra payout for work-related death doesn't apply in this case, but this is partially a business related trip and therefore Tricia's mother is entitled to the extra payout on the life insurance policy." "Tricia McMillian is begging everyone to offer one of the 'good' photos of her to news media." "Tricia McMillian vows to haunt anyone who gives a bad photo of her to news media, Jennifer this means you and that wretched photo from last year's Christmas party and Kyle with the sophomore school year photo." "Tricia McMillian is having more difficulty breathing." "Tricia McMillian is glad her family will save money on cremation." "Tricia McMillian is cra "
Either I'm a really boring person, or the thoughts people have when they're in a life threatening situation aren't as deep and insightful as authors and actors make them out to be. I think, in reality, final thoughts are rather mundane. The usual "I love yous" "I forgive yous" and lists of errands, unfinished business, combinations to safes, stuff necessary to tidy up the loose ends after the end.
Or maybe, with my blind faith and trust in pilots, I knew, deep down we were going to be okay. So my "final thoughts" weren't truly final. They were rudimentarily final. "Just in case" final thoughts.
But then, maybe that's what most people think. Maybe most people don't think "this is really it, the end."
Although when my burning plane landed and came to an abrupt stop on the runway, the relief in the cabin was palpable. There were some "Thank you Jesuses" and a lot of "Whew!s."
We weren't out of the burning woods yet, though. We still had an emergency evacuation to get through, and that burning smell was still getting more pungent by the second. Until I was sitting in an airport bar waiting for another flight with a cocktail I would not be relieved.
"Tricia McMillian survived an emergency landing." "Tricia McMillian is watching emergency fire, ambulance and haz mat trucks race up runways toward her plane." "Tricia McMillian is waiting for the fire marshal to assess if we're a ball of fire hurtling toward the airport or just an over heated coffee pot cord in the First Class galley." "Tricia McMillian is happy to announce she will not be deplaning via emergency exit slide." "Tricia McMillian is noticing the firemen boarding the plane are really hot and she doesn't mean literally." "Tricia McMilian is wondering if she would get in trouble for exaggerating her breathing and stomach discomfort in order to get mouth-to-mouth from one of the hot firemen." "Tricia McMillian knows that her new-found God frowns upon that sort of opportunistic behavior and will banish her straight to Hell." "Tricia McMillian just gave her best wide-eyed look of awe and respect and lust to one of the most handsome men she's ever seen in real life. Tricia is very surprised by her cliché reaction to the men who've come to save her and all the other passengers because until now she didn't know she had a thing for men with hero complexes but it's really not the uniform or situation but the fact that this guy is H-O-T hot!" "Tricia McMillian is pulling up to the airport gate and will be deplaning via regular method." "Tricia McMillian is a wuss because she doesn't have the guts to insist on 'medical help' from the hot fireman." "Tricia McMillian is going to help a senior citizen off the plane."
I was surprised how many people refused the airline's plan of getting a new plane, reboarding and heading on our way to our original destination. Sure, it was scary for a few minutes. Sure, there was obviously something very wrong. But we all survived. We're all okay. We didn't even have to use the emergency exits and slide down those inflat-a-slides. The faulty plane was wheeled away by the fire department. Yes, it was an ordeal, but get right back up on the horse, right? And we did survive and life has continued and continued life means getting on planes and doing what we were doing before we were so rudely interrupted by an on board fire emergency.
"Tricia McMillian is ready to get back on a plane and on with her life."
"Tricia McMillian is not brave, she is practical. And maybe a little too trusting."
The in-air ordeal happened on a Friday evening. Monday morning I received an email from the PR department of the airline. He apologized profusely and gave me bonus air miles and an increased frequent flyer level status. Apparently he assumes I am practical and trusting and will continue to fly his airline. He presumes that I'll have cause to use my new elite status to rub shoulders with the air travel noblesse oblige in the noblesse oblige air travel lounge. He's right. They do know why I fly. I don't have a choice. I work, work requires travel. I have family and friends all over the globe, seeing them requires travel. I can live paranoid and afraid to fly, or I can get on the next plane out to my destination.
I talked to a fellow passenger later who said he spent the whole time making deals with God. "If you get us out of this alive I promise I'll be a better person" sort of thing. He told me this was a life altering, life affirming experience for him. He was hopped up pretty high on post-traumatic stress relief.
Maybe he really did find God, or his way back to God and onto an altered course of life. Maybe that experience will be a catalyst for a new direction in his life. I'm not mocking that, I mock not. Epiphanies do happen. Before and after stories from my little emergency situation microcosm could be interesting. I wish we had the opportunity for a reunion special a year from now. Compare notes on the affect our shared brush with in-flight tragedy had on us - or not. But how could I get in touch with all those people on the flight? It was a jumbo jet and there were hundreds of us, most of us complete strangers. Apart from the airline, no one has access to the flight manifest. How could we all find each other?
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
So I got pressured into joining the online social networking phenomenon Facebook. Ugh. I can see your eyes rolling. Mine, too.
There are some cool aspects to it. I mean, you know, generally it's okay. I guess. I'm not looking to amass hundreds or thousands of friends or re-connect with a girl who was my canoe partner at camp when we were 9. In fact I'm striving to keep my friend list small and personal, limited to real-life friends, colleagues and family. And an occasional band. Bands have seized upon the marketing potential of Facebook and post their release and tour info on Myspace. So. You know. There's that.
But there's a lot of stupidity, weirdness and immaturity, too.
My first encounter on Facebook was with a Friend Collector. You know the type. The person, a colleague, a coworker, the guy who works at the 7-11 on Sunday mornings when you buy the newspaper, who says, "Hey! Are you on Facebook? I'll look you up, dude!" And they do. And they send a friend request. And you look at their profile. And they have 4,341 friends. Remember the Pokémon craze? Kids were nuts about collecting thousands of character cards. When those Pokémon collecting kids grow up they become Friend Collectors on Facebook. You might know him, kind of, but you're not really his friend. You're just a number, helping him on his quest to amass "friends," increase his number. It's harmless, he's harmless. And every now and then he might actually send you an email or post an interesting photo or share something useful.
One of my real life and on Facebook friends recently became engaged to be married. I am not especially fond of his fiancé. Since they started dating I’ve seen him exactly four times. See what’s happened here? The new chick arrives, I lose my friend. I’ve been through this. I know it happens. It sucks, but, such is life. Especially when a friend chooses to date someone who is a domineering, controlling, insecure topper. But, for reasons beyond my comprehension, my friend has decided to marry this woman. He seems very, very, very happy and so when she issued the ultimatum that if she didn’t have a proposal by the end of the year she’d leave him (and then started leaving photos of engagement rings around his apartment) he jumped at the “opportunity” to ask her to marry him, she spent some time “thinking about it.” (Yes, after issuing an ultimatum and leaving photos of rings around his apartment she had to “think about it.” Huh? Does anyone understand this behavior? Could you explain it to me?)
Okay. Now they’re engaged la la la happy happy. I know she’s seen me on Facebook via our mutual friend (her now fiancé) but hasn’t sent a friend request. Nor have I sent her one.
I liked that mutual moratorium. It felt like we had an unspoken agreement.
Well. The day she decided to accept my friend's proposal she sent me a Facebook friend request. Awww crap. I don’t want to be her friend. Isn't it enough that I have to be friendly with her in real life? Do I have to carry the charade over to Facebook, too?
I don’t want to make my friend a monkey in the middle. He’s very in love and very happy and I’m happy for him. I will make nice with her in real life. I will go to the wedding, I will even buy them a nice present. In time I hope I will learn to see what he sees in her, learn to like her. I want to like her.
But. Do I have to be her friend on Facebook simply because she's engaged to my friend? And if not, how do I decline her invite without coming across as a bitch? How do I avoid creating an issue with my friend who’s stuck marrying this crazy bitch?! (Really, I want to like her. But right now she’s still in crazy bitch territory.) Is there a way to decline a friend invitation without hurting the person’s feelings? I resent the Friend Hijacking. She assumes that because we have a mutual friend that we are automatically friends. Or, in her specific case, now that she’s marrying my friend she and I are friends by default. She’s hijacking her fiancés friends on Facebook. Friendjacking. Ewwww. That’s not a good term for it. Let’s stick with Friend Hijacking. Sending an unsolicited friend request to someone solely because you have a mutual friend in common.
Funny how for the months they’ve been dating, and our little icons of each pop up on our mutual friend’s Facebook page, she’s never made a move to request my friendship, but now that they’re engaged she’s all over his friend list like ill fitting underwear. “What’s your’s is now mine,” apparently.
In softer moments I think, “Hey, she’s just being nice, she’s just trying to bridge the social gap between my friendship with her fiancé.” And in many other cases, cases of normal people, people who are less domineering and opportunistic, that would be the case. I would gladly accept a friend request from most of my friends’ spouses. Friends who are married to people I actually like in real life, that is.
The thing is, this woman is the type of woman who takes these things very seriously. She is not going to just let it drop. She will nag me, nag him, nag nag nag about it until it becomes A Thing. “Why won’t Trillian accept my friend request? She’s a mean bitch,” she’ll snark at my friend. She'll assume I'm jealous because I've been harboring some secret crush on her fiancé. (I haven't, ever, thought of him "that" way.) He’ll be put in the middle of something really juvenile and pointless.
I’m resisting her friend request because I made firm choices to stop being so darned nice to everyone. I’ve been trying very hard to be more assertive and say “No” when I want to say no. Always being polite and agreeable has done nothing for me and in some cases has worked against me. That “too nice” thing kept coming up when friends (yes, even my friend, her fiancé) would try to gently give me advice about work and dating. “Trillian, I know you’re sincere, I know you’re not a doormat, I know you don’t take crap you don’t deserve, I know you will not let anyone take advantage of you, I know you can chew up and spit out people with one sentence if you want, but you can come across as too nice sometimes. Until people get to know you, really know you, you seem very polite and super nice. Nice people don’t always succeed at work. And guys hate it. Look at all the crazy bitches who are married to great guys. Guys don’t like women who are too nice. They like crazy bitches.” So dammit, I’m not going to be so nice. I will not be too nice anymore. And Facebook, and this whole stupid friend request thing is a great way to assert my “I am not too nice” attitude. So my friend's fiancé is going to have to wait until I decide how I want to proceed. I know, I know. It's stupid Facebook. Accept her friend request and move on with my life. I will. I will.
But, just when I get all hopped up high on assertiveness and self righteousness, someone I barely know sent a friend request. It’s someone via work – not a client but a colleague of a client. There are professional consequences. Okay, whatever, whoppee, we’re friends on Facebook, now. Look at us, we’re networking. I know this person and met them (once) in real life at a work-related event. Then this person started sending me all kinds of stupid “requests” for virtual drinks, monkeys, iq tests, etc. Ye gads. Sure, some of them are kind of cute, little day brighteners. But this person is incessant. Nine, ten of these things a day. And no, it’s not just me. Based on his profile page he does this to everyone he befriends on Facebook. Remember the character Ned Ryerson, the insurance salesman in the movie Groundhog Day? This guy is a Ned Ryerson. And again I stress, I met him once in real life. I barely know him. But you know, okay, whatever, goes with the territory. (I knew I’d hate Facebook.)
Then he crossed a line. I didn’t know the line existed, I didn’t grasp the Facebook boundaries…he “suggested” a friend for me. Yes. A person I met once in person has suggested a friend for me. The suggested friend is someone I may have met at a work function a couple years ago. But I’m not sure. She doesn’t seem familiar. So now there’s this “suggested friend” reminder hanging there. I really don’t want to befriend the person he suggested.
Why? For many reasons. 1) I don’t actually know her. 2) My guess is that the suggested friend feels the same way I do: This guy stepped over a line, crossed a boundary. And now he’s thrown me in a socially awkward situation. 3) There are people “out there” who take Facebook waaaaaay too seriously. She may or may not be one of them but I don’t want to open a can of worms with someone who is possibly a work-related acquaintance.
But.
If I decline the friend suggestion I look like a bitch.
If I accept the friend request I force myself on the other innocent victim, the suggested friend.
It’s bad enough to be put in the situation of declining a direct friend request.
But declining a friend suggested by someone else? That’s a whole new level of bizarreness. That’s why I call this a Bizarre Friend Triangle. The other person, the suggested friend, will most likely be relieved that I declined the “invite.” But, there might be an element of, “Hey, what’s wrong with me? You don’t wanna be my friend? You’re that Ned Ryerson jerk’s friend but you won’t be my friend?”
And yes, I might actually like the suggested friend. But now she thinks I’m friends with the Ned Ryerson jerk who suggested her to me and so I’m tainted with his jerkiness. Truth be told I’m kind of thinking that about her. She’s friends with him so, well, is she like him? Will she incessantly send me a ton of stupid stuff and make friend suggestions for me like he does? I mean, they are friends.
More likely, like me, she’s an innocent victim. Too polite to decline his friend request and now caught up in some virtual weirdness.
But one of the weirdest types of Facebook friends is The Justify Your Like friendship. You work with someone, or have a friend who brings her sister along whenever you go shopping or out for drinks. You don't dislike the coworker or friend's sister, but without the occurrence of work or a mutual friend you wouldn't know each other. Probably don't have enough in common to be friends, but you work together or you're friends with her sister (or whomever) so you're friendly when you are together. And she is either a Friend Collector on Facebook or she's a lot more into making it a "real" friendship than you are. Or she's trying justify your mutual interest or friend. I'm guessing her thought process is sincere enough, "Hey! Trillian's friends with my sister on Facebook! I know Trillian! We're friends! Right? We're friends, aren't we Trillian? We could be better friends! We'll get to know each other better if we're friends on Facebook!" Maybe. Maybe that happens. But it's a little too forced for my taste. It's different from a Friend Hijacking. You actually know this person and are on friendly terms with them in real life, you even like them, you know, well enough to share a laugh in the breakroom or offer an opinion on a scarf when shopping with a mutual friend. The thing is, if a deeper friendship is going to develop, it will develop in real life. If that hasn't yet happened, becoming Facebook friends isn't going to push it over that edge. Facebook just becomes a way to prove you know each other and are friendly. "We're friends, see? We're on each other's Facebooks!"
And thus I unlocked the key as to why so many people have a bazillion friends on Facebook. The social awkwardness that makes it easier to just accept a friend invitation. Friend Collectors. Friend Hijacking. Bizarre Friend Triangles. Justify Your Like. There’s a level of social weirdness that goes beyond anything we encounter in real life. Some people, I’ve learned, take the whole thing really, really seriously. Others, like me, try to make the best of it, try to have some fun with it, and are not there to amass hundreds or thousands of friends. I prefer to live my life in real life, not virtually. It is a convenient way to keep up with friends and family. But I’m really surprised by the people who take it seriously. Too seriously.
And there’s weirdness on Facebook when your dating. Do you add the person you’re dating to your friends? If so, when? And who initiates it, who makes the friend request? And what about break-ups? Is break-up by defriending an accepted form of cowardice break-upping? Even easier than an email or text or simply ignoring the person you want to break up with, you just de-friend them on Facebook. Voila. Deed done.
Is the ultimate break-up insult to defriend someone on Facebook? I don’t think so. I think it can get worse.
Public besmirching of the person is a bad thing, very, very bad thing, but I’m sure it happens a lot in break-ups. I have a friend who is in a midst of a nasty divorce. The ex is all over the place online posting venomous details and lies about my friend. All of us have de-friended the ex, but the crap the ex is spewing is really awful. It’s become tedious and no one pays attention to it, but still…it’s there. Meanwhile, my friend has remained dignified, quiet and above the ex’s juvenile style of nonsense, hoping a non-response will quiet the ex. Instead, so far it has only provoked the ex to more frequent and more hostile attacks online. Their divorce is playing out online and it’s embarrassing and hurtful. We all keep quietly looking away, pretending not to notice in an attempt to spare our friend some pride. But. It’s there...everyone knows it’s there. And along with the house, the cars, the air miles and the pets, they’re arguing about who gets the Facebook account in the divorce.
And, here’s a question: Let’s say you dated someone three years ago. It didn’t work out, but you were both above the stupid “let’s be friends” idiocracy. Now, three years later, you’re not harboring any longing for them, but you do wonder what they’re up to, you might even sincerely hope things are going well for them. Do you open Pandora’s Box? Do you search them on Facebook? If you do, what if you find them? Then what? How long of a look at their Facebook page is too long? Does anything more than five minutes constitute stalking and put you in psycho ex territory?
Is it ever okay contact an ex via Facebook? In doing so you automatically admit that you were thinking about them and bothered to search for them online, which puts you squarely in stalker territory. Maybe your intentions are purely surface level curiosity. But put yourself in the place of the other person involved. They’re just going along with their life, all snuggly in their Facebook world of friends and relatives and then, one day, out of nowhere a friend request appears from someone they dated three years ago. Cue the Psycho shower scene soundbite. I know that soundbite because I’ve heard it in my head, twice in the past few weeks. Men I went out with once, years ago, have requested to be friends with me. Trust me, there was no hesitation, I did not falter in my assertiveness in saying no.
Here’s what I think: If you were the one who got dumped, my feeling is that you never, ever initiate contact on Facebook. If you were the one who did the dumping, maybe, maybe in very certain circumstances, it would be “okay” to contact the ex – though don’t expect a warm friend acceptance. And be prepared for what may come next: Either a scathing message they’ve been waiting to deliver to you for three years, or, an overly eager smiley emoticon heart laden response assuming you want to go out with them again.
People at work, my boss, kept insisting that social networking sites are valid and important. I didn’t, and still do not, agree. But I’m doing it, grudgingly. And yes, there are some good aspects – easy to keep in touch with friends, make plans with a group, share photos, get tour dates for bands. But so far I don’t see the big advantage of online social networking.
6:21 PM
Monday, January 05, 2009
Help. Where’s Emily Post when you really need her?
2008 culminated in a love fest among people in my world. Four marriage proposals were made among my friends. Tis the season of jewelry commercials and ultimatums.
Yes. I remain the sole single person among my heterosexual friends. However I do have three friends who are divorced. I didn’t take glee in their divorces, in fact I felt their pain and I have grieved for their marriages. Two of those people were hurt, deeply, in their divorces. I’ve watched them suffer and stumble and forge new lives post-marriage. But in all three cases, they got up and got “out there” and dated, successfully. They kept their married mentality when they jumped into new relationships. I marveled at this. I tried to imagine myself acting the way they did on dates. Taking over, taking charge, bossing their date around as if they’d been married for 10 years and the roles were clearly established. I thought surely their dates would run, but, surprisingly to me their dates stuck around. And now they’re getting married. It will be marriage number two for two of my friends, and number three for the third.
This makes me feel weird: The #3 marriage woman was recently divorced from a starter marriage when HWNMNBS dumped me. She and I did some commiserating and crying on shoulders together. She met husband #2, married him, had two children, divorced him, and has now met and is engaged to the man who will be husband #3 all since HWNMNBS dumped me. Holy crap. I realize time is slipping by, life is whizzing along, but that timeline makes me feel…I dunno. Weird. It’s not good to compare lives, but given the timeline it’s an interesting contrast. Two women, two break-ups. One woman meets a new man, gets married, has two children, gets divorced and meets a third husband all the while the other woman remains single, love as elusive as it was in the treacherous days following the break-up. Yes, I was wounded, deeply, in that break-up. Am I over it? Yeah, as much as I ever will be over it. The wounds were deep. The scars remain. But. My divorced/remarried/divorced/remarried friend had some deep wounds, too. She's scarred. And now she admits she didn’t properly deal with them before jumping into her second marriage (and children) and regrets that she didn’t spend more time dealing with her wounds and scars from her first divorce before marrying husband number two. And yet here she is embarking upon her third marriage. And I just have to note this: We’re not kids, anymore, but we’re not old, either. Certainly not old enough to be talking about third marriages. Yet, here we are. Talking about her third marriage.
I don’t jump for glee when my friends announce divorces. I don’t think, “Yay! They’re single again! I have a single friend again!!!” Well. At least not at first, anyway. Maybe deep, deep down there’s a part of me that thinks, “Well, this sucks, divorce is sad. I hate that they’re hurting so badly. But, on the plus side, at least they have one single friend, they’re not lost in a sea of married people. And I get a new single friend…” But mainly I feel bad about the end of their marriages that once held so much love and promise for lives spent together.
The thing is, most of my friends who’ve divorced maintain a married mentality even after their divorce. They’re not really “single” again. Aspects of their outlook and impression of dating and the opposite sex remain “married.” So their approach to being single is different. I’ve decided to try to learn from their experiences.
I didn’t think I would want to employ their attitudes. They treat their dates as if they’ve been married for years. They use their familiar patterns of behavior. Yes, repeating the same “mistakes” they made in their married relationship in their dating relationships. They treat or react to their dates the same way the treated or reacted to their former spouses – in the bad times. I observed this and thought, “Hoooo, boy, they’re going to have a long road of discovery now that they’re single again.”
My divorced friends gave me new perspective on the divorced men I’ve met and dated. Coming out of a divorce people have a strong sense of what they don’t want. There have been arguments, hurt feelings, resentments, legal issues…they know why they got divorced and they do not want someone like their ex. I hear a lot of blame assigned. Usually to the ex-spouse. My friends know they were partially responsible for the demise of their marriages, but, they also feel what they learned about themselves is that they don’t want someone who shares the negative traits they dealt with during their divorce. For instance, one of my divorced friends is very, very laid back. Really easy going. His ex-wife was a perfectionist and a control freak. The two personality types complimented each other until things turned ugly and then they were not opposites attracting, instead they became incredulous to each other’s behavior and responses. My laid back friend still likes the perfectionist control freak aspects, he’s still drawn to that type of personality, but, he doesn’t like a perfectionist control freak who can’t deal with his laid back mentality. So this time around he thinks he’s met the right woman. A domineering woman who respects his laid back, casual sensibility. I hope he’s got it right, I hope she’s all he thinks she is. I want him to be happy. But. I am concerned that he’s marrying the “same” woman – the same personality type that went so horribly wrong in his first marriage.
Why do I think this? Why am I such a snot about his happiness? Because they’ve only dated a short time when she issued the ultimatum: “Where is this relationship going? If you can’t decide if you want to be married by the end of the year I’m ending the relationship.” A few weeks later pictures of rings started appearing around his apartment. So, he went out, bought one of those rings and asked her to marry him. I dunno. I’m concerned for any relationship which is established via an ultimatum. If he’s happy, that’s great. And his affianced certainly got what she wanted: A marriage proposal and one of the rings to her exacting specifications. So who am I to judge? Everyone seems to be getting what they want in this deal.
Maybe I’m just awed and jealous.
I think about the divorced men I’ve dated and I can now see so much of my friends’ behaviors. These guys approach dating with a very different perspective than their never-married counter-parts. They want to re-create the good aspects of their marriage and avoid the negative. They equate the negative with behaviors exhibited during the divorce. The issue I take with this is that divorce brings out the worst in people. My laid back friend became a cowering, insecure, incapable wreck of a human being during his divorce. He drank, heavily, dangerously heavily, in an attempt to numb the demands his soon-to-be ex-wife was placing on him, and later, he drank and engaged in narcotic abuse to numb the pain of living without her. He’s a laid-back guy, yes, but he’s not a cowering, insecure, incapable wreck who resorts to alcohol and drugs to avoid life. It was a finite period of grief that saw him reduced to that guy. When he said, “Whoa, wait a minute, that’s not me, that’s not how I am, that’s not who I am,” he got back to being him again. But. The women he dated during that period…well…they did nothing but allow and even encourage his new persona. I see this same thing, now, in many of the divorced men I’ve dated. Minus the drug and alcohol issues, and with different personality traits, but absolutely I can see that these men were not quite themselves and were looking for someone with very specific qualities, traits which would enable and encourage their “new” personalities.
It goes back to my theory of personal evolution. And why I refuse to date anyone on the rebound. I might really like them, now, but that’s not who they really are. And I’m not who they really need for the long term.
So. Right. Here I am with four newly engaged friends. Three of them have been married before, one of them has been married twice before and it’s the first marriage for the fourth. The fourth, the never married, is a special case, we’ll set her aside for the moment.
The three divorced and newly engaged friends…I spent a ton of money on shower and wedding gifts for, and travel to their first marriages. I am happy for their new-found love and joy and I hope all the best for their future in their new marriages. I truly do. But. Um. How do I gracefully avoid spending large sums of money, again, for their marriages while still maintaining a joyous, happy for them attitude? If I “go cheap” on the gifts it will look like I resent having to pony up the money for shower and wedding gifts again. Which, yes, is exactly how I feel. Especially since in two of the cases the shower and wedding gifts I gave are being used and enjoyed by the ex-spouse. I bought Tiffany, flipping Tiffany wine glasses for one couple and does my friend even get to sip from them? Nope – the ex-spouse kept them in the divorce. So pardon my resentment, but it annoys me to think of the ex-spouse sipping wine from my wedding gift, in front of a romantic fire, with the person they were having an affair with behind my friend’s back. I know. I know. Let it go. Let it go. I have. But. If I don’t pony up the same level of gifts as I did in the first marriage it’s going to look like I’m skeptical about the longevity of this marriage. I have some concerns but that’s not why I’m dreading spending money on wedding gifts. The real crux of the issue is: I’m broke. I’m still single. I’m not the one enjoying the benefits of combined incomes. And, ahem, I’m still single. No one’s given me a bunch of presents I requested on a gift registry. These friends haven’t given me shower and wedding gifts, they haven’t bought dresses, shoes, plane tickets for my wedding. I have done all of that for them already, and now I’m expected to do it again?
I know, I know. That sounds so bitter, so resentful, so envious, so wrong. And truly, I don’t go around thinking that way. It only hits me when I log onto their wedding registries. Oh yes, in all cases the registries are already loaded and live – these people didn’t mess around. They were all engaged on or right before Christmas and they already have their registries chosen or in the works, with “save the date” announcement emails with convenient “helpful information” links to their gift registries.
Maybe that’s it, that’s what’s bugging me – the hasty grab for gifts. What about a few weeks, a month, perhaps, of basking in the glow of love and excitement for the future before requesting gifts? These women all received huge, expensive rings with their proposals. Isn’t that gift enough for a couple months? Shouldn’t that be more than enough “wedding loot” to hold them over for a few months until they start asking for more presents? And no, I didn’t misconstrue the intent of the announcement. Two of them used this exact wording, “Sally and Tom are excited to announce their engagement in marriage. Please save the date of June 27 to share our special day of uniting in holy matrimony in (city/state). Please visit our wedding web site for updates and details. Sally and Tom are registered at (links to stores). Engagement, shower and wedding gifts may be sent directly to Sally’s address noted on the registries.” Clearly they’re expecting engagement presents.
Apparently somewhere along the way I missed the memo on engagement presents. I thought engagement presents were just nice little token gifts, something small and cute you send with a card to a very close friend or relative who is recently engaged. As in your BFF, your trusted coworker/confidant at work, your sister who’s always been there for you. I didn’t think the entire cast of friends, coworkers, colleagues and far flung relatives were “supposed” to cough up an engagement present – an expensive engagement present from the list of demands on a registry, no less. I usually send a card when I hear about an engagement. Even in cases where I didn’t think it was socially “required.” It’s just an nice thing to do. Even though I suck at dating and relationships, I am very pro-marriage and love and relationships. The sentiments on those cards are sent with my sincere best wishes. I do wish them the best in their future together. But unless I’m very close to one of the newly engaged, I don’t feel obligated to cough up an engagement present, in fact I would feel weird about sending an engagement gift to someone I’m not on very close terms with – it seems too intimate. When I got engaged I received a couple very sweet little tokens from two of my very closest friends. My mother gave me a nice wedding planner book. I didn’t expect any of those gifts and was surprised by them. I received several cards from aunts and friends around the globe. That was nice. But anything more, from anyone else, would have made me feel a little weird. An engagement gift from a friend’s roommate’s sister I met once would seem too intimate and kind of creepy. But now apparently, we’re all supposed to give: An engagement gift, a shower gift, a bachelor/ette party/gift, and a wedding gift.
I thought the “rules” for second (and third) weddings were different. I thought the gift grabbing was supposed to be more low-key the second (and third) time down the aisle. In fact, I thought it was optional – the option residing firmly on the gift giver’s side, not the affianced’s.
Do I wish my friends well in their engagements and up-coming nuptials? Of course, yes, I do. I am truly happy for them. It even gives me cause for renewed optimism. If those people can find love and marriage surely there’s hope for me. I will attend their weddings and I will buy them gifts because I want to send them into their marriages with new things to start their new life together. But the gifts on their registries are way, way, way out of my budget. Maybe if I hadn’t already spent a lot of money on shower and wedding gifts for them I would feel differently, but how many times can I be reasonably expected to shower the same friend with gifts from stores I can’t afford? He got Tiffany wine glasses for the first marriage, is it reasonable to expect me to give him Baccarat crystal for the second marriage? (He’s attracted to women with very expensive taste in home goods.) I don’t think so. Would it be nice of me to oblige and indulge them? Yes, of course. And if money were no object I would. But money is an object. I’m broke, barely making my mortgage payments. Buying any wedding gift is going to strain my budget. Buying engagement, shower and wedding gifts from these registries would put me into foreclosure.
But the problem is that by not obliging and indulging these repeat matrimonials I send the message that I don’t have high hopes for their marriage based on the outcome of the previous marriage. That I can’t be bothered to present them with gifts because I know how the last one ended and I’m not going to invest their future together.
Maybe I’m being too sensitive. That’s probable. But. This is a two-way street. These couples were equally insensitive in including gift registry information along with their engagement announcement. The grab for gifts sullied the whole “joyous occasion” aspect of the engagement announcement. These people are not content with sharing their happy news with the world (and I mean the entire world, they all have websites). They want to share their happy news with the world as well as their gift registries. The message I got loud and clear from all four couples was, “We’re engaged to be married! Send us the things we chose from very expensive stores and send them to this address.” Maybe if the registry information was sent separately, and at least a few weeks after announcing the engagement. But it wasn’t. They were one all encompassing notification. These people had to work quickly: They were engaged on or around December 25. By January 2 they had chosen items for their gift registries. That means within days of getting engaged these people raced online or to stores and started choosing the gifts they wanted to receive. I mean, that’s a week. Within a week of their proposal they were off on a shopping spree that will be funded by their friends, family and colleagues. Pardon my old fashioned decorum, but isn’t that just a bit hasty?
The problem is further compounded in my case: I’m The Never Married Friend. I’m the one most likely to be perceived as jealous, embittered and resentful of these second (and third) marriages. Other people feel the same way I do about the hasty arrival of the gift registries. But the other people rolling their eyes at the shameless gift grabs are married. So if they don’t oblige and indulge the couples with their requested gifts they’ll “just” look cheap and unsupportive. Me? I’ll look cheap, unsupportive and jealous, embittered and resentful merely because I’m single. It occurred to me that I have an obligation to The Never Married Friends of the world. I should be one of the first to oblige and indulge these newly engaged couples with their requested gifts to give us The Never Married Friends a good reputation. I should work to illicit this response from my newly engaged friends, “Trillian gave us silver olive forks as an engagement present, crystal water goblets for a shower present and two china place settings for our wedding and she’s single, Malory and Geoff gave us a $25 gift card from Target and they’re married! Sheesh! You’d think it would be the other way around!” That would be good marketing for the reputation of us The Never Married Friends, it would show that we’re not jealous, embittered and resentful of our engaged friends. Unfortunately one down-side of being single is living your entire adult life on one income. I’m not jealous, embittered or resentful, but I am barely scraping by financially.
And yes, it’s true, there is a pang or two of jealousy and resentment when I look at those registries. I’m contemplating buying expensive china for friends while I have exactly four matching plates, two of them chipped, that I got in a clearance sale at a discount store, and some mismatched other dishes I’ve picked up from reject bins. Why should I be expected to buy expensive gifts for people while I’m living my life getting by with mismatched, damaged, rejected goods?
Ahhhh, now there’s a metaphor.
And a lesson. In a perfect world we’d treat ourselves as well as we treat our friends. But as the marketing phrase goes, we don’t live in Perfect. We live in a place where there is social obligation and decorum. And oddly, that decorum dictates that we treat our friends and family better than we treat ourselves.
Everyone knows no one can love us until we love ourselves. And yet if we treat ourselves to the gifts we give our friends we’re deemed selfish. Let’s say I bought myself china priced at the cost of the china on my friends’ registries. Okay, I’d have matched, unchipped, perfect china. It would be nice to eat off nice dishes. It might even boost my mood and self esteem knowing that I have something nice, that I didn’t wait to get married to procure nice dishes. But if I spend money on china for myself I won’t have money to spend on my friends’ engagement/shower/wedding gifts. That would make me feel bad. Guilty. And would be socially frowned upon.
Imagine me giving my friends an inexpensive gift not from their registry. Then imagine my friends coming over to my place and seeing my new expensive china. Yeah. *Awkward.*
The bold, assertive, confident single person would do just that, maybe even flaunt their new china to their married friends. It would be the “fuck you and your bridal registry” heard round the world.
But us The Never Married Friends would suffer a huge blow to our credibility. That act would set us back years. We would be perceived as jealous, embittered, resentful and petty, cheap, selfish and rude. Everyone would say, “No wonder she’s single. She’s jealous, embittered, resentful, petty, selfish and rude.“
So I sacrifice my desires for theirs. In keeping with the lowly social perception of The Never Married Friend, I eat off chipped, mismatched, rejected dishes. And rack up credit card debt to buy my friends’ shower and wedding presents. It makes no logical sense, it's incongruent and silly. But, there's decorum for you. Want friends? Deal with social obligations like bridal gift registries.
I am, however, making a compromise. I am not buying engagement presents. I have sent cards offering best wishes. I spent around $5 each (postage and tax included) for cards. With four newly engaged friends, that’s an outlay of $20 so far. I was hoping to take a long weekend vacation this year. The announcement of these weddings is making me re-think that plan. I can’t attend all four weddings, buy engagement, shower and wedding presents and take my long-hoped-for long weekend vacation. I have to make choices: Attend the weddings and gift the affianced, or take my long weekend vacation.
This time around I’m keeping a spreadsheet on the expense outlay for these four friends’ marriages. I’m hoping the real bottom line will open some eyes to the expense of weddings and the strain it puts on budgets of the attendees, friends and relatives. I’m hoping the black and white reality of that strain will help people understand that The Never Married Friends are truly not embittered because their friends found love and marriage. We’re embittered because we’re expected to pay for gifts we can’t really afford, gifts which put a strain on our budgets and force sacrifices on us. We’re sad that weddings force us to put a price tag on our friendships. “Is Sally worth a $75 wedding gift? Is this marriage going to withstand enough years to justify a Cuisinart?” and “Hey, she gave me bath soap and body lotion gift set for Christmas and a weird towel set I suspect was a re-gift for my birthday and now she expects me to pay $80 for a butter knife for her?!” We don’t want to think these things, but after the warm wishes and enthusiasm for the engagement news dies down and the practical matters begin, it’s impossible to not think about the cost of friendship when you’ve got a friend’s bridal registry staring at you. And in the case of the apparent new trend, the warm wishes and enthusiasm don’t even die down – it’s “Hi! We’re engaged! Here’s where you can buy us presents!”
And because (with the exception of one) these are second (and third) marriages it should go without saying these are not kids, or young, inexperienced people who don’t know any better. They’ve been through this before with their previous marriages. I’m resisting using the word you’re all thinking. Starts with T and rhymes with whacky. These are friends. People I like. People, whom until a few weeks ago, I respected. I don’t want to go down this road over something my friends did. I want to believe their intentions were good, that they thought they were being helpful, or maybe they got caught up in the enthusiasm of an overzealous mother or mother-in-law to be. I’m making excuses for them. But you’re right. By appearances it starts with T and rhymes with whacky.
Maybe, just maybe, out there somewhere a newly engaged couple will read this and curtail their gift grab, lower their expectations and at least let the dust settle on that new engagement ring before sending out links to their gift registries.
12:26 PM
