Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.

Otherwise, hello, and welcome.
Mail Trillian here<





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Women, The Internet and You: Tips for Men Who Use Online Dating Sites
Part I, Your Profile and Email

Part II, Selecting a Potential Date

Part III, Your First Date!

Part IV, After the First Date. Now What?


"50 First Dates"






Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.

Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Find Federal Officials
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or Search by State

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Contact The Media
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Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)

Quasar
Hyperbole
Amenable
Taciturn
Ennui
Prophetic
Tawdry
Hubris
Ethereal
Syzygy
Umbrageous
Twerp
Sluice
Omnipotent
Sanctuary
Malevolent
Maelstrom
Luddite
Subterfuge
Akimbo
Hoosegow
Dodecahedron
Visceral
Soupçon
Truculent
Vitriol
Mercurial
Kerfuffle
Sangfroid




























 







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Highlights from the Archives. Some favorite Trillian moments.

Void, Of Course: Eliminating Expectations and Emotions for a Better Way of Life

200i: iPodyssey

Macs Are from Venus, Windows is from Mars Can a relationship survive across platform barriers?
Jerking Off

Get A Job

Office Church Ladies: A Fieldguide

'Cause I'm a Blonde

True? Honestly? I think not.

A Good Day AND Funyuns?

The Easter Boy

Relationship in the Dumpster

Wedding Dress 4 Sale, Never Worn

Got Friends? Are You Sure? Take This Test

What About Class? Take This Test

A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away, There Was a Really Bad Movie

May Your Alchemical Process be Complete. Rob Roy Recipe

Good Thing She's Not in a Good Mood Very Often (We Knew it Wouldn't Last)

What Do I Have to Do to Put You in this Car Today?

Of Mice and Me (Killer Cat Strikes in Local Woman's Apartment)

Trillian: The Musical (The Holiday Special)

LA Woman (I Love (Hate) LA)

It is my Cultureth
...and it would suit-eth me kindly to speak-eth in such mannered tongue

Slanglish

It's a Little Bit Me, It's a Little Bit You
Blogging a Legacy for Future Generations


Parents Visiting? Use Trillian's Mantra!

Ghosts of Christmas Past: Mod Hair Ken

Caught Blogging by Mom, Boss or Other

2003 Holiday Sho-Lo/Mullet Awards

Crullers, The Beer Store and Other Saintly Places

Come on Out of that Doghouse! It's a Sunshine Day!

"...I had no idea our CEO is actually Paula Abdul in disguise."

Lap Dance of the Cripple

Of Muppets and American Idols
"I said happier place, not crappier place!"

Finally Off Crutches, Trillian is Emancipated

Payless? Trillian? Shoe Confessions

Reality Wednesday: Extremely Local Pub

Reality Wednesday: Backstage Staging Zone (The Sweater Blog)

The Night Secret Agent Man Shot My Dad

To Dream the Impossible Dream: The Office Karaoke Party

Trillian Flies Economy Class (Prisoner, Cell Block H)

Trillian Visits the Village of the Damned, Takes Drugs, Becomes Delusional and Blogs Her Brains Out

Trillian's Parents are Powerless

Striptease for Spiders: A PETA Charity Event (People for the Ethical Treatment of Arachnids)

What's Up with Trillian and the Richard Branson Worship?

"Screw the French and their politics, give me their cheese!"


















 
Mail Trillian here





Trillian's Guide to the Galaxy gives 5 stars to these places in the Universe:
So much more than fun with fonts, this is a daily dose of visual poetry set against a backdrop of historical trivia. (C'mon, how can you not love a site that notes Wolfman Jack's birthday?!)

CellStories

Alliance for the Great Lakes


Hot, so cool, so cool we're hot.

Ig Nobel Awards

And you think YOU have the worst bridesmaid dress?

Coolest Jewelry in the Universe here (trust Trillian, she knows)

Red Tango

If your boss is an idiot, click here.

Evil Cat Full of Loathing.

Wildlife Works

Detroit Cobras


The Beachwood Reporter is better than not all, but most sex.



Hey! Why not check out some great art and illustration while you're here? Please? It won't hurt and it's free.

Shag

Kii Arens

Tim Biskup

Jeff Soto

Jotto




Get Fuzzy Now!
If you're not getting fuzzy, you should be. All hail Darby Conley. Yes, he's part of the Syndicate. But he's cool.





Who or what is HWNMNBS: (He Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken) Trillian's ex-fiancé. "Issues? What issues?"







Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.


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Reading blogs at work? Click to escape to a suitable site!

Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains





























Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero

 
Sunday, January 03, 2010  
Okay. So. Here's the thing.

I realize I'm in a weird state of general confusion lately and I realize I'm not all hip and I realize I'm not really into big budget epic dramatizations. I am fully aware of all of this. And more.

But.

Can we talk?

Avatar.

What the...???

I am one of the privileged millions who scored an IMAX 3D ticket to see Avatar. Don't be too impressed. I'm not the camp out for tickets type. My friend's mother scored the tickets by procuring them a week in advance.

So. At 9AM my friend, her mother and my 8-year-old godson arrived at the theater. My friend and godson arrived the night prior from three time zones away and were still in that bleary-eyed state of jet-lagged daze. And then...crash bang wallop we were wearing big funny glasses sitting in an auditorium with a huge screen.

This was to be big fun, the air was tinged with palpable anticipation. Like at a big rock concert. People were giddy and trembling with excitement.

And then the movie started.

A three hour tour, a three hour tour...

Spoiler alert.



Turns out the Smurf's tree house is planted on top of a rare and coveted mineral that apparently made them grow really tall. Which makes me think the mineral is a steroid. Phoebe's brother (from Friends) is now working for a mining company who wants the coveted mineral so he can make bazillions of dollars. The Marines sent a few good men to enforce order. The Smurfs, who, along with growing taller, have also grown attitudes. (But they still live in a magic forest, love their tree, speak a funny language and ride big birds. Some things never change. Oh those Smurfs.) Unfortunately the other inhabitants of the forest have been affected by the mineral (steroid), too. Gargamel's mean cat Azreal has now grown in size and shape similar to a rhinoceros and has a tough armor coating. And the Smurfs are not only wary of humans, they now cop attitudes against them. I guess because now that they're taller the fear and shyness has turned to hostility and aggression. Which also leads me to think the coveted mineral under their tree is actually a steroid.

This is where the sequel to Born on the Fourth of July portion of Avatar begins. Kovic, who, gratefully is not played by Tom Cruise this time around, is back suited up as a Marine ready to take on the Smurfs and help get at those steroids under the Smurf tree. He had a twin brother who was a scientist studying the Smurfs. The brother is dead, but, thanks to the exact DNA match and a Parent Trap plot twist, Kovic can wear his brother's Smurf suit and, glory be, using his brother's Smurf suit he can walk again. Among the Smurfs.

There's a film making rule that states: "Any theatrical dramatization including space travel in sleep coffins and giant beings shall feature Sigourney Weaver wearing a tank top and an attitude." So, enter, Ripley, who also has a Smurf suit and walks among the Smurfs. She's studying the plant life: Giant psychedelic glowing mushrooms. Rock on. Ya know, I really do like Sigourney Weaver so I'm not complaining, but were it not for the above mentioned film making rule I have no clue why her character was in this movie and I got the feeling she felt the same way. She didn't phone it in, but, she's done it so many times in the past it's got to be wearying for her. "Save the planet blah blah blah save yourselves blah blah blah sacrifice myself for the higher purpose and greater good blah blah blah noble dignity and fade to black." It's déjà vu all over again. I think, and I get the impression Sigourney would agree, it's time to revisit the Hollywood space travel/sleep coffin code and let Sigourney off the hook with that character story arc. Like I said, love her, s'all good, but kinda pointless in this movie which gives solid evidence that the rule needs to be updated.

Meanwhile, Kovic, in his Smurf suit and new-found able-bodied nimbleness and testosterone surge, goes all forbidden love with Smurfette. Which doesn't go over well with Papa Smurf and Hefty Smurf (who was apparently betrothed to Smurfette.) And here we begin the Guess Who's Coming to Dinner/The King and I portion of the film.

Pause for a (really) long musical interlude sequence

"Getting to know you,
Getting to know all about you.
Getting to like you,
Getting to hope you like me.

Getting to know you,
Putting it my way,
But nicely,
You are precisely,
My cup of tea.

Getting to know you,
Getting to feel free and easy
When I am with you,
Getting to know what to say

Haven't you noticed
Suddenly I'm bright and breezy?
Because of all the beautiful and new
Things I'm learning about you
Day by day.

Getting to know you,
Getting to feel free and easy
When I am with you,
Getting to know what to say

Haven't you noticed
Suddenly I'm bright and breezy?
Because of all the beautiful and new
Things I'm learning about you
Day .. by ... day."


They "go to church" and we see the Smurf mating ritual. Not as kinky as I imagined. Pretty tame. But. It's PG 13. Maybe the DVD will have bonus material.

Obviously Kovic now has a real problem on his hands. His Born on the Fourth of July protest rebel-against-the-man-he-used-to-be mindset kicks in again. Now that he's able-bodied and gettin' Smurf nooky he's questioning the need to mine the steroids and enforce order. But he took an oath to do a job. And of course he still reports to The Man.

And what a man he is.

Imagine every stereotype of a Marine you've ever seen portrayed by Hollywood since the Viet Nam era.

Yeppp, that's pretty much all you need to know about this guy.

And the last 50 minutes of the movie.

Terminator and Rambo meet Mortal Kombat and Grand Theft Auto for a Transformers finale. Ana Lucia from LOST even tries to help Kovic and the Smurfs, but she has to get back to the flashback/flashforward nuttiness for the series finale of LOST (or do jail time, I'm pretty sure I saw her government issued ankle bracelet in one scene) so ultimately Kovic and Smurfette have to deal with Terminator The Man as Transformer on their own.

Believe it or not, this is where I felt the movie jumped the shark. Borrowing heavily from the Smurfs notwithstanding, I was going along for the ride up to this point: Armor coated rhinoceros Azreal comes in to help save the Smurfs. C'mon. He's a stupid, mean-spirited, hateful armor plated killing machine with a taste for Smurf. He's not going suddenly grow a conscience and start thinking strategically or heroically.

But.

Good triumphs over evil, love conquers all, blah blah blah.

And yeah, that's pretty much it.

There are some great visuals, the 3D is cool, not the usual cliché 3D stuff jabbing at you, but I expected more from the floating mountains. From all the press they get I was expecting, well, something pretty incredible. They're clumps of dirt with turnip-type weeds/roots floating around. I dunno. I must have missed something that the media reporters saw. Maybe there was a smudge on my giant funny 3D glasses.


Here's my confusion with this. Yes, it's visually cool. The "Getting to Know You" scenes were stunning in parts. (I really wish they'd used "Getting to Know You" on the soundtrack. It would have been a great and apt comedic relief moment.) But. The plot is contrived, tired, and borrowed from so many already cliché themes that it's comically predictable. The acting is marginal. The characters are lame and trite and speak ridiculously trite dialog. (I'm not blaming the actors, they did the best they could with what they were given and again, props to Sigourney Weaver who did her darnedest to redeem the bad dialog.) And. We're talking overgrown Smurfs with a nod to ecological conservation, here. Ummmm. What the...???? This thing is raking in gazillions of dollars. I'm not saying it isn't "fun" or that the "message" isn't worth while.

But.

It's kinda lame.

Could I do better? Given $500 mil I could at the very least come up with a better developed story, make a stab at something original and deeper, less trite dialog.

I realize this isn't supposed to be a deep, thinking type of movie. I get that. I understand Big Blockbuster Movies by definition are not about the plot or acting skills or well-written dialog. I know that and I arrived a the theater in my most jovial "this'll be a fun romp" frame of mind. But. Apart from the nifty visual trickery it's an insult to intelligence. It's a glorified and violent retelling of the Smurfs with an attempt at an ecological conservation message. (Seriously, if you hear someone say, "Blue people who live in a tree in a magic forest, speak a funny language and ride big birds" what do you think? Smurfs, right? Right. I'm hoping part of that $500 mil was copyright money to the Smurf creators. If not, I hope they're suing.)

Is it truly asking too much to have Big Blockbuster Visuals and a decent story and good writing? For $500 mil can't we have, don't we deserve, both?

And there's another aspect that's nagging at my conscience. The "alleged" cost to make Avatar is $500 million. $500 million. For a movie. It's now grossed over $1 billion. Billion. We're in the throes of a serious recession. We're all cutting back on expenses and many of us are not only cutting back but cutting out...and many people are losing their homes and everything in them. Charitable contributions are way, way down and many good, humane charities are no longer able to do their work for those in need. We're angered and shocked by huge government bailouts. We're also envious because no one's bailing us out on a personal level. And yet, collectively, we coughed up over $1 billion - billion - to see a retelling of the Smurfs. And worse, that $1 billion means that only half the production cost has been recouped in its release.

Um.

Huh?

Sure, $500 mil isn't chump change. But. Think about it. I'll say it again. The movie has taken in box office receipts of over $1 billion and yet that's only a $500 million profit margin...in the midst of a horrible recession when people are unemployed, losing their homes, and unable to get help from reliable charities because the people who are employed cannot afford to donate to charities.

Again I say...erm...huh?

The confusion all this causes me makes my head hurt. Badly. That $1 billion shows what we can do when we all pitch in a little bit. And what collective effort did we choose?

A $500 million retelling of the Smurfs.

I don't want to go all Bono, but I find this all staggeringly disturbing.

A few days after my three hour tour, three hour tour, I took some kids to see the Chipmunks Squeekuel. And it does pain me to say this, I had more fun with dancing chipmunks than warring Smurfs. I am certain that says more about me than the movies, but, I'm just sayin'...I went into the Squeekuel expecting, well, the Squeekuel. It's not high art and it's not deeply intellectual and it's not a Big Blockbuster. It's a fun kids' movie. And I wasn't disappointed. It is a fun kids' movie. And honestly? I enjoyed it. It's fun. It's funny. And I staunchly argue that the plot is no more idiotic or contrived than Avatar and the morality lessons are no less important.

I asked my 8-year-old godson what he liked about Avatar. "The hammocks the blue people sleep in are cool. And the Transformer robot man was neat." That's it. Three hours of Big Blockbuster Extravaganza in 3D, no less, and that's the sum total of an 8-year-old's opinion. Without any conversation or prodding from me, he then started reciting several jokes from the Chipmunks Squeekuel. He liked the Squeekuel better. Sure, he's 8. That explains a lot. I apparently have the mindset of an 8-year-old. But then again, if Avatar can't impress a very impressionable 8-year-old boy, one has to wonder...is it the boy or is it the movie?

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8:51 AM

 
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