Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.

Otherwise, hello, and welcome.
Mail Trillian here<





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Women, The Internet and You: Tips for Men Who Use Online Dating Sites
Part I, Your Profile and Email

Part II, Selecting a Potential Date

Part III, Your First Date!

Part IV, After the First Date. Now What?


"50 First Dates"






Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.

Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Find Federal Officials
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or Search by State

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Contact The Media
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Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)

Quasar
Hyperbole
Amenable
Taciturn
Ennui
Prophetic
Tawdry
Hubris
Ethereal
Syzygy
Umbrageous
Twerp
Sluice
Omnipotent
Sanctuary
Malevolent
Maelstrom
Luddite
Subterfuge
Akimbo
Hoosegow
Dodecahedron
Visceral
Soupçon
Truculent
Vitriol
Mercurial
Kerfuffle
Sangfroid




























 







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Highlights from the Archives. Some favorite Trillian moments.

Void, Of Course: Eliminating Expectations and Emotions for a Better Way of Life

200i: iPodyssey

Macs Are from Venus, Windows is from Mars Can a relationship survive across platform barriers?
Jerking Off

Get A Job

Office Church Ladies: A Fieldguide

'Cause I'm a Blonde

True? Honestly? I think not.

A Good Day AND Funyuns?

The Easter Boy

Relationship in the Dumpster

Wedding Dress 4 Sale, Never Worn

Got Friends? Are You Sure? Take This Test

What About Class? Take This Test

A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away, There Was a Really Bad Movie

May Your Alchemical Process be Complete. Rob Roy Recipe

Good Thing She's Not in a Good Mood Very Often (We Knew it Wouldn't Last)

What Do I Have to Do to Put You in this Car Today?

Of Mice and Me (Killer Cat Strikes in Local Woman's Apartment)

Trillian: The Musical (The Holiday Special)

LA Woman (I Love (Hate) LA)

It is my Cultureth
...and it would suit-eth me kindly to speak-eth in such mannered tongue

Slanglish

It's a Little Bit Me, It's a Little Bit You
Blogging a Legacy for Future Generations


Parents Visiting? Use Trillian's Mantra!

Ghosts of Christmas Past: Mod Hair Ken

Caught Blogging by Mom, Boss or Other

2003 Holiday Sho-Lo/Mullet Awards

Crullers, The Beer Store and Other Saintly Places

Come on Out of that Doghouse! It's a Sunshine Day!

"...I had no idea our CEO is actually Paula Abdul in disguise."

Lap Dance of the Cripple

Of Muppets and American Idols
"I said happier place, not crappier place!"

Finally Off Crutches, Trillian is Emancipated

Payless? Trillian? Shoe Confessions

Reality Wednesday: Extremely Local Pub

Reality Wednesday: Backstage Staging Zone (The Sweater Blog)

The Night Secret Agent Man Shot My Dad

To Dream the Impossible Dream: The Office Karaoke Party

Trillian Flies Economy Class (Prisoner, Cell Block H)

Trillian Visits the Village of the Damned, Takes Drugs, Becomes Delusional and Blogs Her Brains Out

Trillian's Parents are Powerless

Striptease for Spiders: A PETA Charity Event (People for the Ethical Treatment of Arachnids)

What's Up with Trillian and the Richard Branson Worship?

"Screw the French and their politics, give me their cheese!"


















 
Mail Trillian here





Trillian's Guide to the Galaxy gives 5 stars to these places in the Universe:
So much more than fun with fonts, this is a daily dose of visual poetry set against a backdrop of historical trivia. (C'mon, how can you not love a site that notes Wolfman Jack's birthday?!)

CellStories

Alliance for the Great Lakes


Hot, so cool, so cool we're hot.

Ig Nobel Awards

And you think YOU have the worst bridesmaid dress?

Coolest Jewelry in the Universe here (trust Trillian, she knows)

Red Tango

If your boss is an idiot, click here.

Evil Cat Full of Loathing.

Wildlife Works

Detroit Cobras


The Beachwood Reporter is better than not all, but most sex.



Hey! Why not check out some great art and illustration while you're here? Please? It won't hurt and it's free.

Shag

Kii Arens

Tim Biskup

Jeff Soto

Jotto




Get Fuzzy Now!
If you're not getting fuzzy, you should be. All hail Darby Conley. Yes, he's part of the Syndicate. But he's cool.





Who or what is HWNMNBS: (He Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken) Trillian's ex-fiancé. "Issues? What issues?"







Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.


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Reading blogs at work? Click to escape to a suitable site!

Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains





























Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero

 
Friday, February 19, 2010  
Here's a new low.

I call it the unemployment limbo. The bar keeps dropping lower and I have to work harder to fit under it.

And my life(?) remains in limbo.

Go a little lower, now...

I had another interview today.

Rock on, right?

Welllllll. You tell me. Is interviewing for a job stocking grocery shelves three nights a week, 10PM - 2 AM, rock on worthy?

Yes. I had to interview for a job stocking grocery shelves. Apparently there's a skill set required for putting canned peas on a shelf. And an art to properly shelving cereal.

Actually. I know there is an art to it. Product placement on store shelving is a HUGE marketing deal. Huge. There's a lot of strategy and some pretty cut-throat competitive bidding in the shelf-war marketing game. Companies vie for premium positioning (eye level). Some stores rent shelf space and others "auction" it to the highest bidder. And of course the products themselves have to be positioned such that their snazzy graphics are displayed front and center. And the products have to be neat and orderly. People don't like to hunt around for their groceries. Most people don't spend a lot of time at the grocery. They want to go in, grab their Corn Flakes and Heineken from the easiest shelf to reach and get the heck out of there.

See? I'm perfect for the job! I know a lot about marketing and consumer behavior! I just had to convince my would-be manager of that.

I showed up for the interview expecting an informal chat with the store manager. Instead there were four of us in a small dismal room sitting on metal folding chairs. (the kind used in Baptist church fellowship halls - I know this because I once went to a wedding reception held in a Baptist church fellowship hall. don't ask.) It was: A teenaged boy, a woman who spoke very little English, a guy who talked on his cell phone during the entire "interview." He tried to muffle/whisper parts of his conversation but it was a small, quiet room and it was obvious he was making, erm, "deals." Apparently he's looking to augment his narcotics income by stocking grocery shelves at night. Or hey, maybe he's trying to go legit.

Finally a woman with an ubiquitous clipboard entered the room and affected a Marine drill sergeant demeanor. She flipped through pages on her clipboard and called out our names. I thought we were supposed to respond, you know, like roll call. So when she called out my name I said, "Present!" and raised my hand.

Hey. I'm new to this kind of "interview." And I was eager to make a good impression. I wasn't clear if there were four stocking positions available or if the four of us were vying for one job so I wanted to shine bright among my potential competition.

You read that correctly. I wanted to make a good impression for a job stocking shelves at a grocery store three nights a week and was worried about beating my competition for the job: A teenager, a non-English speaking woman and a drug dealer.

Where and when did my life(?) make this turn for the weirder?

Oh, right. When I was laid off.

I'm not saying I'm too good to stock shelves at a grocery store. Obviously I don't think that - I applied for the job. If I thought I was too good for the job I wouldn't have applied in the first place. I want to work and earn money. Period.

Sure. Ideally I would like to land a job using my college degrees and years of professional experience. But, uh, heh heh, funny thing about that. Not a lot of job openings for college educated professionals with loads of professional experience.

Had I known my life(?) was heading here I never would have spent all those years and money on college. And I certainly would not have endured the long hours, absurd deadlines and stress in my previous jobs. Had I known the jobs I would need at the most critical time in my life would be skilled labor jobs I would have skipped college and fast-tracked myself down a career path of retail and skilled labor jobs.

I have no idea if I'll be considered for the shelf stocking job. The drill sergeant told us about the job, the importance of arriving on time, being a team player and properly stocking the shelves correctly - according to the prescribed shelving plan. She showed us a shelf plan sheet with the names or mini graphics of the products diagrammed onto the shelf drawing. We had to read the product brand name and what it was. "Corn Flakes. Cereal." She said we didn't have to know the aisle number location yet but after a few weeks on the job we'd be expected to know the aisle location for products. There will be a test. Benchmarking goals, you know.

The non-English speaking woman struggled with the product type names. She could read the brand names off the chart but when it came to describing them...well...yeah. I mean, maybe they don't have Corn Flakes in her native country. How could she know what they are? Or why they have premium positioning on the cereal shelves? Or maybe she knows what they are but can't remember how to say cereal in English. I felt sorry for her. I sat there hoping there were two job openings and that she and I would get them. I vowed to befriend her and help her. I tried to make a deal with the Universe: "Give both of us jobs and I'll help her learn English."

But I'm concerned I blew the "interview."

I thought my marketing background might give me an edge. I tried to impress the drill sergeant by asking about the store's guidelines regarding "facing" and "noting" and the store's facing valuation ratings v. revenue ranking.

Yeah. I know. I kind of got a little caught up in her "stocking shelves is serious business" attitude and ran with it. Hey, I know about visual marketing, placement strategy, I know that stuff, man, I know it. When I had a career I used to get excited about it and worked tirelessly on imaging. And placement is a huge factor in the marketing visuals.

But in my zeal for marketing and quest for a job I think I went too far. And blew the interview. Usually I think I blow interviews because I don't know enough, that I'm not good enough to nudge out the competition. Lately I think I've been blowing interviews because I know too much. That's a difficult concept for me to wrap my gray matter around. Spending my entire life expected to push myself harder, learn more, work more, be smarter, savvier, deeper, wiser, more creative, more knowledgeable, more driven has obviously affected me. The only way I know to function is by striving to learn and push to excel. It's been drummed into me since kindergarten. Use your brain, learn all you can, don't be stupid, don't just pass the tests learn the material, get good grades, get into good schools, learn the material, prove it, get a good job at a good company, don't be stupid, use your brain, don't be stupid, prove yourself...it's how the world works, right? Wrong. I'm learning that too much knowledge can be a bad thing.

After the "interview" I realized I might have gone a bit too far. Maybe I shouldn't have tried so hard. Maybe I shouldn't have let on that I know about facing and noting and shelving placement and marketing strategy and revenue statistics. Maybe I should have played dumb.

Crap.

I keep forgetting to do that.

Limbo a little lower, now.

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9:41 PM

 
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