Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.

Otherwise, hello, and welcome.
Mail Trillian here<





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Women, The Internet and You: Tips for Men Who Use Online Dating Sites
Part I, Your Profile and Email

Part II, Selecting a Potential Date

Part III, Your First Date!

Part IV, After the First Date. Now What?


"50 First Dates"






Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.

Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Find Federal Officials
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or Search by State

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Contact The Media
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Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)

Quasar
Hyperbole
Amenable
Taciturn
Ennui
Prophetic
Tawdry
Hubris
Ethereal
Syzygy
Umbrageous
Twerp
Sluice
Omnipotent
Sanctuary
Malevolent
Maelstrom
Luddite
Subterfuge
Akimbo
Hoosegow
Dodecahedron
Visceral
Soupçon
Truculent
Vitriol
Mercurial
Kerfuffle
Sangfroid




























 







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Highlights from the Archives. Some favorite Trillian moments.

Void, Of Course: Eliminating Expectations and Emotions for a Better Way of Life

200i: iPodyssey

Macs Are from Venus, Windows is from Mars Can a relationship survive across platform barriers?
Jerking Off

Get A Job

Office Church Ladies: A Fieldguide

'Cause I'm a Blonde

True? Honestly? I think not.

A Good Day AND Funyuns?

The Easter Boy

Relationship in the Dumpster

Wedding Dress 4 Sale, Never Worn

Got Friends? Are You Sure? Take This Test

What About Class? Take This Test

A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away, There Was a Really Bad Movie

May Your Alchemical Process be Complete. Rob Roy Recipe

Good Thing She's Not in a Good Mood Very Often (We Knew it Wouldn't Last)

What Do I Have to Do to Put You in this Car Today?

Of Mice and Me (Killer Cat Strikes in Local Woman's Apartment)

Trillian: The Musical (The Holiday Special)

LA Woman (I Love (Hate) LA)

It is my Cultureth
...and it would suit-eth me kindly to speak-eth in such mannered tongue

Slanglish

It's a Little Bit Me, It's a Little Bit You
Blogging a Legacy for Future Generations


Parents Visiting? Use Trillian's Mantra!

Ghosts of Christmas Past: Mod Hair Ken

Caught Blogging by Mom, Boss or Other

2003 Holiday Sho-Lo/Mullet Awards

Crullers, The Beer Store and Other Saintly Places

Come on Out of that Doghouse! It's a Sunshine Day!

"...I had no idea our CEO is actually Paula Abdul in disguise."

Lap Dance of the Cripple

Of Muppets and American Idols
"I said happier place, not crappier place!"

Finally Off Crutches, Trillian is Emancipated

Payless? Trillian? Shoe Confessions

Reality Wednesday: Extremely Local Pub

Reality Wednesday: Backstage Staging Zone (The Sweater Blog)

The Night Secret Agent Man Shot My Dad

To Dream the Impossible Dream: The Office Karaoke Party

Trillian Flies Economy Class (Prisoner, Cell Block H)

Trillian Visits the Village of the Damned, Takes Drugs, Becomes Delusional and Blogs Her Brains Out

Trillian's Parents are Powerless

Striptease for Spiders: A PETA Charity Event (People for the Ethical Treatment of Arachnids)

What's Up with Trillian and the Richard Branson Worship?

"Screw the French and their politics, give me their cheese!"


















 
Mail Trillian here





Trillian's Guide to the Galaxy gives 5 stars to these places in the Universe:
So much more than fun with fonts, this is a daily dose of visual poetry set against a backdrop of historical trivia. (C'mon, how can you not love a site that notes Wolfman Jack's birthday?!)

CellStories

Alliance for the Great Lakes


Hot, so cool, so cool we're hot.

Ig Nobel Awards

And you think YOU have the worst bridesmaid dress?

Coolest Jewelry in the Universe here (trust Trillian, she knows)

Red Tango

If your boss is an idiot, click here.

Evil Cat Full of Loathing.

Wildlife Works

Detroit Cobras


The Beachwood Reporter is better than not all, but most sex.



Hey! Why not check out some great art and illustration while you're here? Please? It won't hurt and it's free.

Shag

Kii Arens

Tim Biskup

Jeff Soto

Jotto




Get Fuzzy Now!
If you're not getting fuzzy, you should be. All hail Darby Conley. Yes, he's part of the Syndicate. But he's cool.





Who or what is HWNMNBS: (He Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken) Trillian's ex-fiancé. "Issues? What issues?"







Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.


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Reading blogs at work? Click to escape to a suitable site!

Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains





























Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero

 
Tuesday, June 01, 2010  
Friend's husband: "Who made this potato salad?"

Friend: "Trillian."

Friend's husband: "Wow! It's great! I'm always surprised at what a great cook you are, Trillian."

Friend: "Why?"

Friend's husband: "I dunno. Single career gal in the city...undomesticated stereotype and all that."

Me: "Three martini dinners, take-out and ice cream. Nothing but diet pop and face spritzer in the fridge. Jeans folded and stored in the oven."

Friend's husband: "Bingo."

Friend: "Just because that's how I lived before we got married doesn't mean all single women, especially Trillian, live that way."

Me: "Meh. I kinda live that way. But I can cook on demand. Or not. Sometimes I do it just for fun. Every now and then I pretend I'm married with children and make a meal containing all of the food groups. I feel like I'm a kid playing house."

Friend's husband: "You should tell guys you can cook then invite them over for dinner. You'd have men lined up down the block. Offer a guy a free meal, made in your kitchen and he'll come back for more and eventually he'll just assume you're his girlfriend and then you start threatening to stop cooking and then he'll ask you to marry him."

Me to friend: "Ahhhhh, so that's how you bagged this wild tiger. I always thought you weren't letting me in on some ancient sexual secret even Cosmo won't divulge."

Friend: "Nah, I just fed him."

Friend's husband: "Get Trillian's recipe for this potato salad. Yours has too much onion."

Friend: "Really?"

Me: "That's subjective. But I don't use onions. Try shallots or leeks and a little white wine vinegar."

Friend: "Really? Not red onion or green onion?"

Me: "In a pinch green onion but shallots or leeks."

Friend's husband: "See? You know stuff about food. You should put a notice on Craig's List. 'Men! Dinner's at my place, bring a bottle of wine and lively conversation and I'll make you dinner. No sex, no strings, just food and conversation.'"

Friend: "That's actually not a bad idea. Especially the 'no strings, just food and conversation' part. Men won't think you're trying to ensnare them."

Me: "I'm not trying to ensnare anyone. I'm not dating anymore, remember? And if I don't get a full time job in the next couple of weeks I'm not going to have a home much less a kitchen."

Friend's husband: "You could charge a flat fee, like $15 or $20. Not too much because guys won't pay a lot for dinner."

Me: "So, I'm opening a restaurant? Aren't there zoning and health department issues? Permits and licenses and inspections, that sort of thing?"

Friend's husband: "By the time they catch you you'll be married and not advertising anymore."

Me: "Oh yeah, of course. But once more with feeling, I'm not dating, I don't want to date. I'm out, I'm done, I'm up on the shelf collecting dust."

Friend: "You could trade food for sex, then. No strings attached, just dinner and sex."

Me: "Niiiiiice. There's a great idea."

Friend's husband: "Hey, people exchange food for sex all the time. They call it a dinner date."

Me: "Ah, but enough about your courtship."

Friend's husband: "Seriously Trill, if men knew you can cook they might be more interested in you. See you in a different light. At this point, you know, out of college, into your career, a homeowner, men assume you have brains and independence and all the respect that goes with that is implied, but we don't have a clue if you're domesticatable. We want it all, brains, beauty, wife and mother domestication. There's no way to know that if you don't offer some sample of domestication. Like dinner. Maybe you could do laundry, too. Like while you're eating dinner you could throw in a couple loads of laundry for them. And a comfortable couch to sack out on after dinner. A fancy couch will only impress gay guys. You want a super comfortable broken in nap worthy couch. You have ESPN, right?"

Me: "So basically I should offer maid service and a place to take naps in front of the game to entice a man to date me. This sounds like something from the pre-ERA era. This cannot be good for the advancement of women in the workplace."

Friend's husband: "Uhhh, how many of your female friends are still in the workplace? The whole ERA thing is backfiring on women because you work...until you get pregnant and then suddenly you're all June Cleaver."

Friend: "Hey! I could get a job! I quit on purpose, because of the kids. I'm going to go back to work when the kids' schedules aren't so demanding. I have two degrees and executive experience. I'm just taking a few years off for the kids."

Friend's husband: "When we dated you were into your career, super smart and independent and talked about world affairs and art and music and traveling to interesting places. We got married and had kids and that all changed."

Me: "Yeah, I noticed that, too. Kinda weird. Seems like fraud. Us single women don't get why men put up with that. Seems unfair. Oh crap. I said that out loud. Sorry, Friend."

Friend: "He's the one who didn't want the kids in daycare and we didn't earn enough to pay for a nanny and he didn't like that I was traveling so much for work." 

Great. So I make potato salad to take to a barbecue and it sets off an argument about my friends' workplace viability.

So here's the thing, though. Is the appearance of a lack of domestication part of what turns men off? For all the talk about men being turned on by confident, professional, successful women, is that just a sort of fantasy that lures them in, but day in, day out they want a woman who can cook, is willing to do their laundry and doesn't mind if they sack out on a comfy couch in front of the television?

My friend is right, her husband didn't want their kids in daycare and after the first child was born he didn't like that she had to travel for work. Not because he didn't want to take care of the baby, but because he felt anxious about her traveling on her own. She is an integral part of of the home team and if anything happened to her the baby would be motherless and that upset him. A lot. Maybe he's more old school than some modern guys, but, generally he's pretty cool, even a little metrosexual. He's not some neanderthalic chauvinistic jerk. Put it this way: I respect his opinion. Maybe the Craig's List idea is a bit much, but he might have a point about not showing any overt signs of domestication.

If I still cared I might try luring a man by touting my cooking and cleaning skills and trade in my stylish couch for a big, cushy sucks-you-in-for-a-nap couch. But would I be interested in a man who values me for my ability to cook him a meal, do his laundry and supply him with a comfy place for a nap in front of the television? I think not. And maybe that's why I am, and always will be, a single zero, the Mayor of Singleton.

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