Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.

Otherwise, hello, and welcome.
Mail Trillian here<





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Women, The Internet and You: Tips for Men Who Use Online Dating Sites
Part I, Your Profile and Email

Part II, Selecting a Potential Date

Part III, Your First Date!

Part IV, After the First Date. Now What?


"50 First Dates"






Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.

Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
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Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)

Quasar
Hyperbole
Amenable
Taciturn
Ennui
Prophetic
Tawdry
Hubris
Ethereal
Syzygy
Umbrageous
Twerp
Sluice
Omnipotent
Sanctuary
Malevolent
Maelstrom
Luddite
Subterfuge
Akimbo
Hoosegow
Dodecahedron
Visceral
Soupçon
Truculent
Vitriol
Mercurial
Kerfuffle
Sangfroid




























 







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Highlights from the Archives. Some favorite Trillian moments.

Void, Of Course: Eliminating Expectations and Emotions for a Better Way of Life

200i: iPodyssey

Macs Are from Venus, Windows is from Mars Can a relationship survive across platform barriers?
Jerking Off

Get A Job

Office Church Ladies: A Fieldguide

'Cause I'm a Blonde

True? Honestly? I think not.

A Good Day AND Funyuns?

The Easter Boy

Relationship in the Dumpster

Wedding Dress 4 Sale, Never Worn

Got Friends? Are You Sure? Take This Test

What About Class? Take This Test

A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away, There Was a Really Bad Movie

May Your Alchemical Process be Complete. Rob Roy Recipe

Good Thing She's Not in a Good Mood Very Often (We Knew it Wouldn't Last)

What Do I Have to Do to Put You in this Car Today?

Of Mice and Me (Killer Cat Strikes in Local Woman's Apartment)

Trillian: The Musical (The Holiday Special)

LA Woman (I Love (Hate) LA)

It is my Cultureth
...and it would suit-eth me kindly to speak-eth in such mannered tongue

Slanglish

It's a Little Bit Me, It's a Little Bit You
Blogging a Legacy for Future Generations


Parents Visiting? Use Trillian's Mantra!

Ghosts of Christmas Past: Mod Hair Ken

Caught Blogging by Mom, Boss or Other

2003 Holiday Sho-Lo/Mullet Awards

Crullers, The Beer Store and Other Saintly Places

Come on Out of that Doghouse! It's a Sunshine Day!

"...I had no idea our CEO is actually Paula Abdul in disguise."

Lap Dance of the Cripple

Of Muppets and American Idols
"I said happier place, not crappier place!"

Finally Off Crutches, Trillian is Emancipated

Payless? Trillian? Shoe Confessions

Reality Wednesday: Extremely Local Pub

Reality Wednesday: Backstage Staging Zone (The Sweater Blog)

The Night Secret Agent Man Shot My Dad

To Dream the Impossible Dream: The Office Karaoke Party

Trillian Flies Economy Class (Prisoner, Cell Block H)

Trillian Visits the Village of the Damned, Takes Drugs, Becomes Delusional and Blogs Her Brains Out

Trillian's Parents are Powerless

Striptease for Spiders: A PETA Charity Event (People for the Ethical Treatment of Arachnids)

What's Up with Trillian and the Richard Branson Worship?

"Screw the French and their politics, give me their cheese!"


















 
Mail Trillian here





Trillian's Guide to the Galaxy gives 5 stars to these places in the Universe:
So much more than fun with fonts, this is a daily dose of visual poetry set against a backdrop of historical trivia. (C'mon, how can you not love a site that notes Wolfman Jack's birthday?!)

CellStories

Alliance for the Great Lakes


Hot, so cool, so cool we're hot.

Ig Nobel Awards

And you think YOU have the worst bridesmaid dress?

Coolest Jewelry in the Universe here (trust Trillian, she knows)

Red Tango

If your boss is an idiot, click here.

Evil Cat Full of Loathing.

Wildlife Works

Detroit Cobras


The Beachwood Reporter is better than not all, but most sex.



Hey! Why not check out some great art and illustration while you're here? Please? It won't hurt and it's free.

Shag

Kii Arens

Tim Biskup

Jeff Soto

Jotto




Get Fuzzy Now!
If you're not getting fuzzy, you should be. All hail Darby Conley. Yes, he's part of the Syndicate. But he's cool.





Who or what is HWNMNBS: (He Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken) Trillian's ex-fiancé. "Issues? What issues?"







Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.


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Reading blogs at work? Click to escape to a suitable site!

Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains





























Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero

 
Sunday, June 13, 2010  
So I have a new boss at my part time telemarketing job. I have several bosses. One for my performance, one for scheduling, one for my data collection tracking...yeah, the title manager is used liberally.

He's, um, well. He's a part time middle manager at a telemarketing company. You can do the math.

He's worked at the company 11 months. He started just like me, on the phones. And now look at him! Three promotions later and he's a manager! Two more promotions and he'll be eligible for full time hours. Yessirreee, there's big potential here! 

We don't know each other. I've only encountered him once, during one of my four hour shifts. Today I went in and was told he was promoted to the Shift Scheduling Manager, Telesales and I was to report to him at the end of my shift.

Oooooooo! A meeting with the Shift Scheduling Manager, Telesales! Maybe I'm already getting my first promotion!

So, I went into his cube (now that he's a Shift Scheduling Manager, Telesales he gets to share a cube with the Shift Scheduling Manager, Teledata), I was all pepped up about what great news might be coming my way.

We had a little general chat about marketing. He told be that before this job he was a systems analyst and that he didn't know much about marketing. Now he's Mr. Madison Avenue. So, we were talking about one of our clients and how the calls during the past few days were not garnering many sales. He pondered if we needed new scripts (sales scripts are written and given to us from above, way, way, way above). Then I made a big mistake. I used the term empirical data. I asked if there was empirical data from the client's previous telemarketing or even from other media strategies.

My boss got mad at me.

"You can't think. You're not supposed to think. You'll sway the consumers if you think. This is why I don't like to hire marketing professionals. You know too much about marketing to talk to consumers, you think too much into it, you think about the data, you get a tone that effects the customers. You're loose cannons. Lemme tell you something, if you want to get anywhere here you have to stop thinking, turn off your brain, you can't go all rogue marketing pro."

Whoa.

Whoa.

Seriously.

Whoa.

I'm a swutting telemarketer. How is it even possible to go rogue?

And affecting a 'tone?' People tell me to fuck off, yell at me, tell me to get a real job, try to engage me in phone sex, and hang up on me and my new boss is worried that I'll affect a 'tone' of insider rogue marketing pro that will sway the consumers' attitude about the products and skew the data? Seriously? I mean really? Seriously?

I have no doubt I affect a 'tone' now and then but it has nothing to do with maniacal marketing voodoo. (awesome band name) My 'tone' affects something more along the lines of misery, contempt, existentialism and treachery, think Squidward, more like, "I hate this job and my life and the second I can afford a life insurance policy I'm killing myself."

So I laughed at him.

I laughed. I know. I shouldn't have laughed. But I couldn't help it. It was too funny to not laugh.

He didn't like that I laughed.

And he said, "It's not funny. When you start using terms like 'empirical data' (he used air quotes) it's a sign you know too much."

Apparently he looks for "signs" in his employees. "Signs" that we know too much about marketing. At our telemarketing jobs. 

And then he told me he was cutting my hours.

I logged 22 hours in a two week span. Because the previous Shift Scheduling Manager, Telesales, scheduled me to work those hours.

Apparently there was a suspicious trend - I logged more hours than some of the other new hires. 22 hours in two weeks.

And now it's been revealed that I know too much. I'm a rogue marketing professional. The empirical data is all right there on my resume - too many years of professional experience, I know too much, I can't be trusted. I could affect a 'tone.'

So my already measly hours are being cut back. I kid you not. 

The empirical data proves that I will be in foreclosure and on my way to homelessness in 6 weeks.

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4:59 PM

 
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