Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.

Otherwise, hello, and welcome.
Mail Trillian here<





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Women, The Internet and You: Tips for Men Who Use Online Dating Sites
Part I, Your Profile and Email

Part II, Selecting a Potential Date

Part III, Your First Date!

Part IV, After the First Date. Now What?


"50 First Dates"






Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.

Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Find Federal Officials
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or Search by State

Find State Officials
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or Search by State

Contact The Media
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or Search by State





Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)

Quasar
Hyperbole
Amenable
Taciturn
Ennui
Prophetic
Tawdry
Hubris
Ethereal
Syzygy
Umbrageous
Twerp
Sluice
Omnipotent
Sanctuary
Malevolent
Maelstrom
Luddite
Subterfuge
Akimbo
Hoosegow
Dodecahedron
Visceral
Soupçon
Truculent
Vitriol
Mercurial
Kerfuffle
Sangfroid




























 







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Highlights from the Archives. Some favorite Trillian moments.

Void, Of Course: Eliminating Expectations and Emotions for a Better Way of Life

200i: iPodyssey

Macs Are from Venus, Windows is from Mars Can a relationship survive across platform barriers?
Jerking Off

Get A Job

Office Church Ladies: A Fieldguide

'Cause I'm a Blonde

True? Honestly? I think not.

A Good Day AND Funyuns?

The Easter Boy

Relationship in the Dumpster

Wedding Dress 4 Sale, Never Worn

Got Friends? Are You Sure? Take This Test

What About Class? Take This Test

A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away, There Was a Really Bad Movie

May Your Alchemical Process be Complete. Rob Roy Recipe

Good Thing She's Not in a Good Mood Very Often (We Knew it Wouldn't Last)

What Do I Have to Do to Put You in this Car Today?

Of Mice and Me (Killer Cat Strikes in Local Woman's Apartment)

Trillian: The Musical (The Holiday Special)

LA Woman (I Love (Hate) LA)

It is my Cultureth
...and it would suit-eth me kindly to speak-eth in such mannered tongue

Slanglish

It's a Little Bit Me, It's a Little Bit You
Blogging a Legacy for Future Generations


Parents Visiting? Use Trillian's Mantra!

Ghosts of Christmas Past: Mod Hair Ken

Caught Blogging by Mom, Boss or Other

2003 Holiday Sho-Lo/Mullet Awards

Crullers, The Beer Store and Other Saintly Places

Come on Out of that Doghouse! It's a Sunshine Day!

"...I had no idea our CEO is actually Paula Abdul in disguise."

Lap Dance of the Cripple

Of Muppets and American Idols
"I said happier place, not crappier place!"

Finally Off Crutches, Trillian is Emancipated

Payless? Trillian? Shoe Confessions

Reality Wednesday: Extremely Local Pub

Reality Wednesday: Backstage Staging Zone (The Sweater Blog)

The Night Secret Agent Man Shot My Dad

To Dream the Impossible Dream: The Office Karaoke Party

Trillian Flies Economy Class (Prisoner, Cell Block H)

Trillian Visits the Village of the Damned, Takes Drugs, Becomes Delusional and Blogs Her Brains Out

Trillian's Parents are Powerless

Striptease for Spiders: A PETA Charity Event (People for the Ethical Treatment of Arachnids)

What's Up with Trillian and the Richard Branson Worship?

"Screw the French and their politics, give me their cheese!"


















 
Mail Trillian here





Trillian's Guide to the Galaxy gives 5 stars to these places in the Universe:
So much more than fun with fonts, this is a daily dose of visual poetry set against a backdrop of historical trivia. (C'mon, how can you not love a site that notes Wolfman Jack's birthday?!)

CellStories

Alliance for the Great Lakes


Hot, so cool, so cool we're hot.

Ig Nobel Awards

And you think YOU have the worst bridesmaid dress?

Coolest Jewelry in the Universe here (trust Trillian, she knows)

Red Tango

If your boss is an idiot, click here.

Evil Cat Full of Loathing.

Wildlife Works

Detroit Cobras


The Beachwood Reporter is better than not all, but most sex.



Hey! Why not check out some great art and illustration while you're here? Please? It won't hurt and it's free.

Shag

Kii Arens

Tim Biskup

Jeff Soto

Jotto




Get Fuzzy Now!
If you're not getting fuzzy, you should be. All hail Darby Conley. Yes, he's part of the Syndicate. But he's cool.





Who or what is HWNMNBS: (He Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken) Trillian's ex-fiancé. "Issues? What issues?"







Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.


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Reading blogs at work? Click to escape to a suitable site!

Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains





























Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero

 
Friday, December 17, 2010  
I'm thinking of launching a new business. I've given a lot of thought about what I can do, what I'm good at doing and what sets me apart from other job seekers. After a lot of careful consideration I came up with one thing, one skill that sets me apart from most others. My one unique, special skill that makes me a standout, sets me apart from all the others. And now I'm ready to capitalize on it.

Here's the marketing I've worked out so far.


Looking to find a nice girl and settle down?

Trying to find the perfect employee to fill that job vacancy?

Well, you've come to the right place. Trillian is a one-stop resource for your marriage and hiring needs.

Trillian is not The One you'll want marry.

Trillian is not the one you will ultimately hire.

But.

Trillian has a proven track record of being both
  1. the girl men date before they meet the girl they marry 
  2. the job candidate that comes in second, the person who tips the balance in favor of the other top contender.
Trillian is now offering her services to the men who want to get married but can't find the right girl and employers facing tough hiring decisions.

Guaranteed success rate!

Men Looking for Marriage!
Date Trillian for a couple months (a couple years, if you want) and then break up with her. You don't need a valid reason to break up with her! In fact our data indicates the more vague your reasons to break up with her, the sooner you'll meet the girl of your dreams! "Reasons" like these garner a 99.8% success rate in the next relationship. Date Trillian for a few weeks, months, heck a couple years, and then break up with her via the following "reasons" and you will be married to the girl of your dreams within a year, even as little as six months in a few cases!
  • "It's not you, it's me, I don't know what I want right now and it's unfair to string you along"
  • "I dunno, I guess I'm going through something, I think I need some time on my own"
  • "You're too nice for me. You deserve better."
  • "The timing's bad, I have that big project at work and my dad's having surgery and softball season's coming up, I just really don't have time for a relationship right now"
  • "You're too good for me, I want you, a girl like you, but you make me realize I need to work on myself before I'm ready for a serious relationship with a girl like you"
  • "I have commitment/trust issues. You're great, you've helped me come a long way with those issues but ultimately I'm just not all the way there."
  • "I'm just not ready for a serious relationship"
Why not just cut out the middle (wo)man and move straight to the girl of your dreams? Good question! Our extensive research data on this is inconclusive. Substantial evidence points to commitment and trust issues, but our findings are inconclusive due to the success rate men garner in their Post-Trillian Relationships. Which is why we say, "Don't ask why, just do what many other men have done to achieve a long term relationship! Date Trillian for a few weeks/months/years!"

Lest you think dating Trillian must be such an awful experience that she'll scare you into settling down with someone, anyone, who isn't her, rest assured previous dates/boyfriends all concur:
  • she's a lot of fun, 
  • your parents will love her, 
  • she'll enthusiastically support your career and hobbies, 
  • she's not high maintenance,
  • she won't make you sit through cinematic adaptations of Jane Austin, Bronte sisters or other period romance literature,
  • there's nothing fake or phony about her,
  • she likes hockey and baseball and understands you might like other sports and like to watch them on television while wearing your dirty sweats and drinking beer,
  • she'll even give you lots of personal space and freedom,
  • she'll "do that" on days other than your birthday/anniversary/New Year's Eve,
  • she doesn't care what kind of car you drive 
Some men even claim to fall in love, "feel emotions they've never felt," and want to be better people when they're with Trillian.

So why not just marry Trillian? Inconclusive data. But Trillian isn't important. You want to get married, and Trilian is the means to that end. The conduit to a lifetime commitment!

But don't just take our word for it. Here's what satisfied customers have to say about dating Trillian,

"Yeah, she's a really nice girl. I was falling really hard for her. That scared me so I broke up with her and then, a month later I met the girl I ended up marrying! After losing Trillian I knew I had to man up and not lose the next one. Lucky for me opportunity knocked twice! A month after I broke up with Trillian I met my wife! Thanks to what I learned about myself while dating Trillian I laid down the welcome mat and opened the door on a lifetime commitment!"

"Trillian? Almost perfect girlfriend - that is if you like intelligent, kind, leggy brunettes with big tits. If you prefer short, dumb blondes or Asians she's not for you. But other than that she's almost perfect. I almost married her. Almost."

"Trillian, oh man, yeah, she's awesome. She totally got me over my fear of commitment. After dating Trillian for two years I was so ready to settle down that two weeks - just two weeks! - after I broke up with Trillian I met my wife! Thanks to Trillian I was ready to make a lifetime commitment and knew I didn't want to waste any more time so within six months of breaking up with Trillian I was getting married! I owe my wife, kids...my life to Trillian. If I hadn't dated her I never would have been ready for making lifetime commitments."

"She's great, you'll love dating her. She's fun, she's kind, she's compassionate, she's a class-act but not snobby. I would have married her but I realized I wasn't good enough for her. I always wanted to date a girl like her, I thought she was what I wanted, but after I had her I realized I'm too insecure to be with someone like that. So when I met Candi a couple nights after I broke up with Trillian, I knew a stripper 15 years younger than me with fake boobs and a coke habit was the perfect girl for me. If I hadn't dated Trillian I'd still be reaching for that brass ring of women, the intelligent, kind, classy, trustworthy kind of woman, I'd be unfulfilled, chasing that dream, you know? But now look at me! Candi and I have been together three years and it's all because I dated Trillian!"

Don't waste another date night on women who don't leave you ready/longing for the lifetime commitment of your dreams!

Date Trillian.

The One You Date Before You Meet The One.




Guaranteed success rate!


Employers Looking for Professional Interview Candidates!

Interview Trillian once or twice (three or four, if you want) and then interview someone else.. You don't need a valid reason to interview anyone else! In fact our data indicates the more vague your reasons to continue your candidate quest, the sooner you'll fill your job vacancy! "Reasons" like these garner a 99.8% success hiring rate. Interview Trillian once, twice or even several times, maybe even check her references and negotiate a salary, and then interview someone else for the following "reasons" and you will hire the perfect candidate within weeks, within days in a few cases!
  • "You're perfectly qualified, but we're revising the job description and not sure what we really need"
  • "You're overqualified, but we want to talk to you in case someone quits and we need to hire a replacement"
  • "You're too experienced for us. You should be in a higher caliber role than we can offer"
  • "The timing's bad, we just lost a client and that department was reorganized and our international numbers didn't come in the way we hoped, we just can't take the hiring risk right now"
  • "You're overqualified, we want you, an employee like you, but you make us realize we need to work on our internal procedures before we're ready to hire a candidate like you"
  • "We have commitment/trust issues. You're great, we know you would do a great job here, but you're better than me, even, and that makes me nervous, they might replace me with you."
  • "We're discontinuing the candidate search at this time"
Why not just cut out the middle (wo)man and move straight to the candidate you'll hire? Good question! Our extensive research data on this is inconclusive. Substantial evidence points to commitment and trust issues, but our findings are inconclusive due to the success rate employees garner in their Post-Trillian Interviews. Which is why we say, "Don't ask why, just do what many other employers have done to find job candidates! Interview Trillian!"

Lest you think Trillian must be such an awful experience that she'll scare you into hiring someone, anyone, who isn't her, rest assured previous interviewers all concur:

  • she's very professional, 
  • HR and coworkers will love her
  • she's creative
  • she has years of relevant professional experience
  • she is tech savvy and current with latest trends and technology
  • she'll enthusiastically support your creative marketing goals, 
  • she's not high above working long hours or traveling to Boise. In January.
  • she's client-safe: Proper grammar, no visible tattoos, clean clothes, won't get drunk and/or have sex with clients
  • doesn't have a husband/boyfriend/kids to text/email/talk to all day at work
  • she won't make you sit through Power Point adaptations of her resume and project history
  • she's punctual
  • she'll ask lots of insightful questions
  • she'll "do that" even though it's not in her job description
  • she doesn't care what the salary or benefits are 
Some employers even claim to want to hire her, even aspire to new and better departmental goals when they interview Trillian.

So why not just hire Trillian? Inconclusive data. But Trillian isn't important. You want to fill a job vacancy, and Trilian is the means to that end. The conduit to a full employee roster.


But don't just take our word for it. Here's what satisfied customers have to say about interviewing Trillian,


"Yeah, she's a really great person. We really liked her. She was a little overqualified, though, and that scared the manager of that department, so we interviewed our second choice again, even more overqualified than Trillian, and a week later we hired her to replace the insecure manager! After interviewing Trillian our way forward was clear, we didn't need a new creative manager, we needed a new department manager! Lucky for us opportunity knocked twice! A week after our third interview with Trillian, just before we made her a final offer,  we re-interviewed another candidate and hired them! Thanks to what we learned about the department while interviewing Trillian, our departmental goals were so much more clear!"

"Oh yeah, I remember her. She wasn't qualified for the job, I mean, I'm sure she could have done it, she has words on her resume I don't even know what they mean, but we just needed someone to stock shelves on the midnight shift. I mean, I would have hired her because she seemed eager, but Tim over at central distribution has this thing about not wanting to hire college grads and he's the boss, so... The thing is, the next person, like, the very next person who applied was perfect. If it hadn't been for Trillian I might not have realized that so quickly, I mean, the comparison was, like, staring me in the face it was so obvious, I hired that guy on the spot. I might have had to work doubles until we hired someone, so I owe Trillian for making the hiring choice obvious."

"Trillian is the perfect interview candidate. Do not hesitate to interview her. Especially if you're a hiring manager with a recruitment quota. Trillian's viable, she could be a real contender, so no one will suspect you're bringing in candidates just to pad your numbers. She'll give the real candidate a run for their money, too, and a little extra competition in the interview process always makes for good water cooler conversation. Trillian, yeah, she's perfect. So perfect you almost want to hire her. Almost."

"Trillian, she's great. She really energized our interview process. After interviewing her four times we knew we were ready to hire someone. Two weeks after our last interview with Trillian we still couldn't decide which candidate we wanted to hire, but thanks to Trilian we knew we had to get someone in that role ASAP, so we let HR make the final decision. Thanks to Trillian we knew we really did need to hire someone and were ready to make a hiring commitment. We didn't want to waste time so we let HR handle it and within a week we hired someone! Really, we owe this year's successful marketing to Trillian. If we hadn't interviewed her and had the conversation about meeting marketing goals we never would have gone ahead and hired someone that soon!"

"Trillian. Yeah. We liked her. We had a lot of great candidates but two stood out with impressive qualifications and personalities. Trillian and the guy we hired. Equally qualified. Impossible to choose, really. It came down to a coin toss, best three out of five, and well, Trillian lost the toss. But it was great to have a choice. Us hiring managers dream of that scenario, the coin-toss scenario. It may be the thrill of my hiring manager career, you know? I mean, usually there's one stand-out, or no stand-outs. But to have two completely equal candidates? Two thoroughbreds in the same race? Wow, I mean, that's the stuff of hiring managerial legends. So I'm glad we put her through three rounds of interviews. Who could have guessed they'd both tie in the interview tri-fecta?! Neck and neck, I tell you. Neck. And. Neck. A nail biter to the end. The coin toss was worth it. No regrets. I'd interview her again in a heartbeat."

"You'll love interviewing Trillian. She's professional, she's creative, she's sincere, she's interested, she's savvy, she's nice, she's a class-act. We would have hired her but we realized we aren't good enough for her. We wanted to hire someone like her, we thought she was what we wanted, but after we discussed her history of successful creative project management, deadline scheduling and re-reviewed her on-time deliverable project history we realized we're too insecure to work with someone like that. So when Bronyx's resume came across HR's desk a couple days after the fourth interview with Trillian we knew a recent college grad with no professional work or project history who lives with his parents and didn't pass the drug test was the perfect candidate for us. If we hadn't interviewed Trillian we'd still be reaching for that brass ring of job candidates, the intelligent, professional, experienced, trustworthy kind of candidates. We'd be unfulfilled, chasing that dream, you know? But now look at us! Bronyx has been with us two months and only missed eight days of work and three deadlines! And all because we interviewed Trillian!"

Don't waste another interview on candidates who don't leave you ready/longing for the perfect candidate for your office!

Interview Trillian.

The One You Want To Hire Until You Meet The Candidate You Will Hire.

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