Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.

Otherwise, hello, and welcome.
Mail Trillian here<





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Women, The Internet and You: Tips for Men Who Use Online Dating Sites
Part I, Your Profile and Email

Part II, Selecting a Potential Date

Part III, Your First Date!

Part IV, After the First Date. Now What?


"50 First Dates"






Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.

Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Find Federal Officials
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or Search by State

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Contact The Media
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Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)

Quasar
Hyperbole
Amenable
Taciturn
Ennui
Prophetic
Tawdry
Hubris
Ethereal
Syzygy
Umbrageous
Twerp
Sluice
Omnipotent
Sanctuary
Malevolent
Maelstrom
Luddite
Subterfuge
Akimbo
Hoosegow
Dodecahedron
Visceral
Soupçon
Truculent
Vitriol
Mercurial
Kerfuffle
Sangfroid




























 







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Highlights from the Archives. Some favorite Trillian moments.

Void, Of Course: Eliminating Expectations and Emotions for a Better Way of Life

200i: iPodyssey

Macs Are from Venus, Windows is from Mars Can a relationship survive across platform barriers?
Jerking Off

Get A Job

Office Church Ladies: A Fieldguide

'Cause I'm a Blonde

True? Honestly? I think not.

A Good Day AND Funyuns?

The Easter Boy

Relationship in the Dumpster

Wedding Dress 4 Sale, Never Worn

Got Friends? Are You Sure? Take This Test

What About Class? Take This Test

A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away, There Was a Really Bad Movie

May Your Alchemical Process be Complete. Rob Roy Recipe

Good Thing She's Not in a Good Mood Very Often (We Knew it Wouldn't Last)

What Do I Have to Do to Put You in this Car Today?

Of Mice and Me (Killer Cat Strikes in Local Woman's Apartment)

Trillian: The Musical (The Holiday Special)

LA Woman (I Love (Hate) LA)

It is my Cultureth
...and it would suit-eth me kindly to speak-eth in such mannered tongue

Slanglish

It's a Little Bit Me, It's a Little Bit You
Blogging a Legacy for Future Generations


Parents Visiting? Use Trillian's Mantra!

Ghosts of Christmas Past: Mod Hair Ken

Caught Blogging by Mom, Boss or Other

2003 Holiday Sho-Lo/Mullet Awards

Crullers, The Beer Store and Other Saintly Places

Come on Out of that Doghouse! It's a Sunshine Day!

"...I had no idea our CEO is actually Paula Abdul in disguise."

Lap Dance of the Cripple

Of Muppets and American Idols
"I said happier place, not crappier place!"

Finally Off Crutches, Trillian is Emancipated

Payless? Trillian? Shoe Confessions

Reality Wednesday: Extremely Local Pub

Reality Wednesday: Backstage Staging Zone (The Sweater Blog)

The Night Secret Agent Man Shot My Dad

To Dream the Impossible Dream: The Office Karaoke Party

Trillian Flies Economy Class (Prisoner, Cell Block H)

Trillian Visits the Village of the Damned, Takes Drugs, Becomes Delusional and Blogs Her Brains Out

Trillian's Parents are Powerless

Striptease for Spiders: A PETA Charity Event (People for the Ethical Treatment of Arachnids)

What's Up with Trillian and the Richard Branson Worship?

"Screw the French and their politics, give me their cheese!"


















 
Mail Trillian here





Trillian's Guide to the Galaxy gives 5 stars to these places in the Universe:
So much more than fun with fonts, this is a daily dose of visual poetry set against a backdrop of historical trivia. (C'mon, how can you not love a site that notes Wolfman Jack's birthday?!)

CellStories

Alliance for the Great Lakes


Hot, so cool, so cool we're hot.

Ig Nobel Awards

And you think YOU have the worst bridesmaid dress?

Coolest Jewelry in the Universe here (trust Trillian, she knows)

Red Tango

If your boss is an idiot, click here.

Evil Cat Full of Loathing.

Wildlife Works

Detroit Cobras


The Beachwood Reporter is better than not all, but most sex.



Hey! Why not check out some great art and illustration while you're here? Please? It won't hurt and it's free.

Shag

Kii Arens

Tim Biskup

Jeff Soto

Jotto




Get Fuzzy Now!
If you're not getting fuzzy, you should be. All hail Darby Conley. Yes, he's part of the Syndicate. But he's cool.





Who or what is HWNMNBS: (He Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken) Trillian's ex-fiancé. "Issues? What issues?"







Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.


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Reading blogs at work? Click to escape to a suitable site!

Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains





























Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero

 
Tuesday, January 04, 2011  
So, the new business venture isn't taking off the way I hoped. It's early days, of course, and I'm hopeful the new year will bring some business my way. People assign a lot of significance to a new calendar year, especially in matters of the heart. And in hiring, too. So hopefully I'll be swamped with customers, men who want to get married and companies looking for a final job candidate.

I did a little pro bono work, of sorts, a former colleague got in touch with me about a job opening, yadda yadda yadda after two interviews in two days with me and the company decided to go with a a temp instead of a full-time staffer. BUT it was conversations with me that helped them determine they could "get by" with a temp for a few months and then reassess their needs.

See? I have a gift. My most marketable skill is helping men and companies determine who they really want to marry or hire.

Guys, want to get married? Date me for a while and I guarantee you will marry the person you date after me.

Want to narrow the candidate pool and choose a final employee? Interview me, several times, narrow the choice down to two candidates, me and one other, and I guarantee you'll hire the other job candidate. Voila! Decision made, position filled!

That's a valuable service, right? How much would you pay for a guarantee in finding the perfect wife or employee? Sure, it's so valuable it's intangible...but...people put price tags on intangibles all the time. Online dating sites are cashing in on intangibles. If they can do it then I can do it better because I come with proven guaranteed success. Ask almost any man who's dated me - they married the woman they met immediately after dating me. Ask anyone who's interviewed me in the past year - they all hired the other top contender for the job.

But until this new business takes off I have to figure out an employment plan. Especially since I'll soon be homeless.

What would be really great is a job that includes shelter and if I'm lucky food and clothing.

"Huh? Trill, what are you talking about?"

C'mon, think differently, shift the employment possibility paradigm to include jobs that include/require housing. There are lots of people who have jobs but don't have a permanent address. Not nomads or Gypsies, more like American Bedouins.

You probably don't consider them to be homeless, but, think about it...plenty of people work in industries requiring them to live on site or on the road. Those jobs are perfect for homeless people.

Here's my list thus far. Feel free to chime in with other ideas, I'm open to pretty much anything but keep in mind no one's going to pay to have sex with me so prostitution is out - which is a shame because I hear there are some nice brothels.

Concert Roadie
Pros: Sex, drugs and rock and roll!!! Duh!
Cons: Sex, drugs and rocks and roll. Duh. "Accommodation" means a bus or truck.
I think the "good" jobs for roadies involve the instruments. So. I have to learn enough guitar to tune a guitar before the show. I dunno, those people tuning guitars before the show usually only pluck out a couple notes, I mean, is it that difficult?
Big pluses here: No uniform; The name badge is one of those cool all-access VIP roadie passes.

Concert Roadie, Part II
Rock photographer - okay, I can do that, sign me up. I want this job. Bonus with this job is the possibility of getting a money shot - the one photo that becomes a musician's iconic image. Or the one photo that's worth a lot of hush money.

Peace Corps
Pros: I like to travel; I like to help people; I'm accepting and interested in other cultures.
Cons: Typhoid. Diphtheria. Malaria. Hunting/killing my meals.
Already sent my application. Waiting, hoping for an interview and subsequent assignment. Fingers crossed.

Camp Counselor
Pros: I like kids. I can teach art...or swimming...or boating...or archery.
Cons: Uniform; name badge; stupid nickname; stupid songs; tent.
I applied for seven camp counselor jobs and was turned down for all seven. I'm going to keep at it, though. This is the time of year summer camps are gearing up and taking staff applications so I'm feverishly working at it. I like kids...I can teach art...I don't love sleeping in tents but it beats sleeping in a box under a highway overpass or in a homeless shelter. I'm not crazy about institutional food, but, I do like S'mores.

Military
Pros: I like to travel; food; shelter; and clothing.
Cons: Uniform; name badge; I'm a pacifist; I don't believe in guns; I've been known to question authority.
But other than that I think I could, you know find a place in today's military. If I had to...right?

Nun/Missionary
Pros: Helping other people. Travel and/or seclusion. Wine tasting with monks.
Cons: I'm not Catholic; I have ethical issues with the Catholic religion (and organized religion in general); (in spite of recent indications to the contrary) not a virgin.
And I was already turned down for a job at a religious university; But I'm a compassionate and giving person, I like to help others, especially those less fortunate. I'm compassionate and nonjudgmental. So apart from the doing it for Jesus/God aspect this seems like a viable option.

Cruise Ship Worker
Pros: I like to travel. I don't get seasick. 
Cons: Uniform. Really cheesy polyester uniform. Name badge. I'm not very good at structured dancing. I can manage the Hokey Pokey and Chicken Dance, but more complicated synchronized choreography like the Electric Slide or the Macerana are difficult for me.

Possible jobs: I can take those cheesy boarding photos with passengers posed on the gangway with a life-ring. Or, two words: Julie McCoy. Two more words: Cruise director. Hey, I can be perky. You know, if I have to be perky I can manage it. Okay, maybe not perky, but enthusiastic and friendly. I'm friendly. Usually.

Circus performer/worker
Pros: I like kids; I like animals.
Cons: I like animals; I'm petrified of clowns; tents; vomit.
The big problems with the circus industry, for me, are 1) I am an animal rights advocate and have deep ethical issues with animals used in circuses; and 2) there's that clourophobia. I have a severe, clinically pathological fear of clowns. So this one is a worst case scenario homeless job for me. And thanks to cotton candy, popcorn, slushees and the smell of elephant poop kids often vomit at circuses. I don't enjoy cleaning up kid vomit, but I don't "mind" it - when I know the kids. So I'd need a "skilled" circus job. But. I don't really have any circus skills. I have all my teeth so I presume working the promenade is out. Roustabout? Maybe. I kinda like that job title. It would certainly add a cavalier air to my resume. Do circus people sleep in tent encampments or buses or trucks these days?

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9:33 PM

 
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