Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.

Otherwise, hello, and welcome.
Mail Trillian here<





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Women, The Internet and You: Tips for Men Who Use Online Dating Sites
Part I, Your Profile and Email

Part II, Selecting a Potential Date

Part III, Your First Date!

Part IV, After the First Date. Now What?


"50 First Dates"






Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.

Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
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Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)

Quasar
Hyperbole
Amenable
Taciturn
Ennui
Prophetic
Tawdry
Hubris
Ethereal
Syzygy
Umbrageous
Twerp
Sluice
Omnipotent
Sanctuary
Malevolent
Maelstrom
Luddite
Subterfuge
Akimbo
Hoosegow
Dodecahedron
Visceral
Soupçon
Truculent
Vitriol
Mercurial
Kerfuffle
Sangfroid




























 







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Highlights from the Archives. Some favorite Trillian moments.

Void, Of Course: Eliminating Expectations and Emotions for a Better Way of Life

200i: iPodyssey

Macs Are from Venus, Windows is from Mars Can a relationship survive across platform barriers?
Jerking Off

Get A Job

Office Church Ladies: A Fieldguide

'Cause I'm a Blonde

True? Honestly? I think not.

A Good Day AND Funyuns?

The Easter Boy

Relationship in the Dumpster

Wedding Dress 4 Sale, Never Worn

Got Friends? Are You Sure? Take This Test

What About Class? Take This Test

A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away, There Was a Really Bad Movie

May Your Alchemical Process be Complete. Rob Roy Recipe

Good Thing She's Not in a Good Mood Very Often (We Knew it Wouldn't Last)

What Do I Have to Do to Put You in this Car Today?

Of Mice and Me (Killer Cat Strikes in Local Woman's Apartment)

Trillian: The Musical (The Holiday Special)

LA Woman (I Love (Hate) LA)

It is my Cultureth
...and it would suit-eth me kindly to speak-eth in such mannered tongue

Slanglish

It's a Little Bit Me, It's a Little Bit You
Blogging a Legacy for Future Generations


Parents Visiting? Use Trillian's Mantra!

Ghosts of Christmas Past: Mod Hair Ken

Caught Blogging by Mom, Boss or Other

2003 Holiday Sho-Lo/Mullet Awards

Crullers, The Beer Store and Other Saintly Places

Come on Out of that Doghouse! It's a Sunshine Day!

"...I had no idea our CEO is actually Paula Abdul in disguise."

Lap Dance of the Cripple

Of Muppets and American Idols
"I said happier place, not crappier place!"

Finally Off Crutches, Trillian is Emancipated

Payless? Trillian? Shoe Confessions

Reality Wednesday: Extremely Local Pub

Reality Wednesday: Backstage Staging Zone (The Sweater Blog)

The Night Secret Agent Man Shot My Dad

To Dream the Impossible Dream: The Office Karaoke Party

Trillian Flies Economy Class (Prisoner, Cell Block H)

Trillian Visits the Village of the Damned, Takes Drugs, Becomes Delusional and Blogs Her Brains Out

Trillian's Parents are Powerless

Striptease for Spiders: A PETA Charity Event (People for the Ethical Treatment of Arachnids)

What's Up with Trillian and the Richard Branson Worship?

"Screw the French and their politics, give me their cheese!"


















 
Mail Trillian here





Trillian's Guide to the Galaxy gives 5 stars to these places in the Universe:
So much more than fun with fonts, this is a daily dose of visual poetry set against a backdrop of historical trivia. (C'mon, how can you not love a site that notes Wolfman Jack's birthday?!)

CellStories

Alliance for the Great Lakes


Hot, so cool, so cool we're hot.

Ig Nobel Awards

And you think YOU have the worst bridesmaid dress?

Coolest Jewelry in the Universe here (trust Trillian, she knows)

Red Tango

If your boss is an idiot, click here.

Evil Cat Full of Loathing.

Wildlife Works

Detroit Cobras


The Beachwood Reporter is better than not all, but most sex.



Hey! Why not check out some great art and illustration while you're here? Please? It won't hurt and it's free.

Shag

Kii Arens

Tim Biskup

Jeff Soto

Jotto




Get Fuzzy Now!
If you're not getting fuzzy, you should be. All hail Darby Conley. Yes, he's part of the Syndicate. But he's cool.





Who or what is HWNMNBS: (He Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken) Trillian's ex-fiancé. "Issues? What issues?"







Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.


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Reading blogs at work? Click to escape to a suitable site!

Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains





























Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero

 
Sunday, March 17, 2013  
Overheard in a bar last night: "I dunno, Bono's always seemed like kind of a nerd to me."

The bar patron was referring to a statement Bono made about embracing his inner nerd. I agree, Bono has always seemed like a type of unpopular kid at school, the guy handing out flyers about weekend youth retreats of questionable sponsorship. Even as unpopular and dorky as I was in school, even I wasn't desperate enough to go anywhere near that kid or the retreats. He was the same kid who was exempt from biology and science classes that were deemed blasphemous by his parents and their church. I'm not sure that kid was a nerd, though. I'm guessing a career in medicine or paleontology or geology or astronomy weren't in his life plan, anyway, but still, it seemed kind of too bad for him. But he didn't think so. Sophomore year he started "marching" in the science corridor during session breaks, silently handing out fact sheets on why science is wrong and the Bible is right. By the end of Junior year he upped his game to quoting scripture while "marching" in the science corridor. Dedication to cause is admirable, but zealots tend to be a bit stubborn when it comes to other points of view. (Wow, I'm just now realizing how Bono-like that kid was.)

Navigating the social land mines of high school is tricky enough when you're just a regular dork. Add a dose of self-righteous zealotry and those questionable weekend youth retreat flyers, and well, you know high school was never going to end well for that kid. He didn't show up for Senior year. The rumors were that 1) he transferred to a Christian school; 2) his parents became missionaries and moved the family to Africa; and 3) his youth retreats were a cult and he was living on some remote island held spellbound under the cult leader.

That kid was, well, "different," but he wasn't nerdy. The nerds were getting straight As in the science classes, not protesting them.

When Bono gets a spot on the Model UN, joins the Chess Club, can't get a date to a school dance and has to take Summer School because of a failing gym class grade, I will accept (and perhaps even embrace) the inner nerd he claims he has.

Apparently he's embracing his alleged inner nerd a little too tightly because he went on to say he's sexually aroused (his words, not mine) by the collating of data. (Doesn't that sound like a fun date night. "Hey baby, I was thinking we could go back to your place, get a little more comfortable and collate some data." (Actually, I've had that line used on me...and it worked.) Still. Once again with feeling: poor Mrs. Bono.)

He was using this soundbite-laden speech to raise awareness and money to (drum roll): end world poverty. We know my mixed Bono feelings. Like that kid in my high school, dedication to a worthwhile cause is admirable, but...a little self-righteous zealotry goes a long way, and often goes too far. I really do not want to know what happens in those leather pants of Bono's. Just the thought of him being sexually aroused kinda creeps me out. But when he talks about being sexually aroused by doing charitable works...well...um...is that imagery really necessary or relevant in a discussion on charitable works? I had the same feeling about Bono's boner over charity that I get when I see the Cialis ad that features young grandchildren dropping in on Gran and Grampa just as they were about to get it on: Ewwwww. Erections are great, but not around children, not featured in ads for Cialis. Or brought up as a way to entice people to give to charity. Although, if Bono were to promise to never mention the Bono boner again (poor Mrs. Bono) I might dig for change in my couch and give it to him.

If you get off on doing good, fine, whatever. But. WWJD? I'm pretty sure the whole humility thing prohibits telling the world you get off on doing good. Jesus didn't tell His story, His followers did.

I'm bringing up Jesus because Bono started it first. Another soundbite he unleashed was that he's an "insufferable jumped-up Jesus" regarding his never ending diatribes (my word, not his) on his charities of choice.

Maybe I missed some pop-culture paradigm shift. I'm nowhere near as cool as Bono. (Model UN, science club, orchestra, LitWits, AP English, need I go on? My high school years read like a How-To Guide for Nerds.) Maybe "Jumped up Jesus" has taken on a new meaning in the pop culture vernacular. Or maybe I misunderstood Bono's speech transcript.

But. Whenever I've heard the term "Jumped up Christ" it's another way of saying, "Holy sh!t!" I had an uncle who was known to utter the term "Jesus H. Christ on a Cross!" when he was frustrated or angry, usually when repairing a car. Sometimes he used the abbreviated, "Jumped up Christ" to express his annoyance. "Jumped up Christ," as I've always understood it, is an interjection, not a noun.

For instance, "Jumped up Christ! That's an enormous Jumbotron!"

I presume Bono has a speech writer, or publicist, or at least a couple interns to help him craft his speeches, especially for something like TED. Presuming Bono went off script with the "Jumped up Jesus" comment, they were probably rolling their eyes at the Malapropism and thinking, "When the recession ends I am so looking for another job." Bono, if you meant to say, "Jumped up Christ/Jesus! I just discovered I get off on accounting! Jumped up Christ/Jesus! I'm turning into a nerd! Jumped up Christ/Jesus, I am so getting off on doing all this good charity work!" Send this word nerd an email next time you are crafting a speech. I'll explain the difference between interjections and nouns and how to use them in sentences. I'll also explain what a Malapropism is. It's not as sexy-nerdy as collating data or bragging about your good deeds or displaying your sexual arousal on an enormous Jumbotron, but it'll help you make a favorable impression with the nerds. You know, the kids you apparently want to hang out with, now.




Speaking of Jesus...Him, not Bono, anyone watching the Bible miniseries on History? You may be surprised to learn I watched all of the episodes thus far a few nights ago. It was a Cliffs Notes ride through the Old Testament. I realize they don't have enough time to get into all the nitty gritty (and there's a lot of gritty in the Old Testament), and I realize a lot of the content is not basic cable friendly.

But.

They're leaving out all the good bits! David has always been one of my favorite Old Testament characters - I can't overlook his backstabbing (literally) of his best friend or his adulterous affair (with his best friend's wife), as far as I'm concerned those actions put him up there with Delilah and Judas -  but...the Psalms, man, the Psalms. When I was a kid, the Goliath story was inspiring to me, even as a tot I totally understood the metaphor. And I loved the idea of a kid succeeding where adults failed. And he was poetic and lyrical and wrote a lot of the Psalms, which are lovely regardless of your beliefs.

In case you missed that week of Sunday school and didn't understand what was in the bag with the buzzing flies that David hurled at Saul, here's the lowdown.

When I got older and took confirmation class, we had a minister who did not gloss over the details. He told us everything in the Bible. Imagine my shock and confusion when, at age 13, I learned that the Bible has a passage that describes how King Saul offered David his daughter's hand in marriage if David killed 100 Philistines and brought their foreskins to Saul as proof that he killed them.

Then, as now, my reaction was/is:
A) WTF???
B) I presume Saul thought David (or anyone) would never take up that challenge. I mean, gross. Even for Old Testament times, gross. Thus ensuring Michal would remain Daddy's Little Girl forever.
C) But David, our beloved slayer of Goliath and writer of beautiful Psalms, went off an did it. He killed 100 Philistines, which is kind of a big deal because Philistines are notoriously brawny. But then, after David killed them he
D) went around circumcising the corpses and
E) collecting the foreskins and
F) carried them in a bag back to Saul.

And that, my friends, is what was in that bag with flies buzzing around it. The producers of the Bible miniseries apparently felt it was important to allude to the foreskins for the home viewing audience familiar with the story, but not important enough to explain/remind everyone else watching the show. But with all the other omissions (I know...there's just not enough time (or budget) to cover everything) I find it interesting that they bothered to take the time to film the 20 second shot of David tossing a bag full of 100 Philistine foreskins at Saul while Michal looks on with a wanton come hither smile.

Also, keep in mind that when David killed Goliath (prior to the homicidal circumcising mission), Saul gave David another of his daughters as a wife. I kinda nodded off for a few minutes so I may have missed that part of the miniseries, but I don't think so. Saul and David ended up having some, um, disputes, and to spite David, Saul gave Michal to another dude. I don't recall that the new dude had to kill or circumcise anyone to gain Michal's hand.

Remember, up to this point in my young life David was my favorite Old Testament guy. The idea that he went out and killed 100 people just for a girl didn't set well with me. Sure, they were Philistines, but c'mon, violence never solves anything and we presume this was an unprovoked attack. And the foreskins? Crimony, who writes this stuff? David just went out on a mass homicidal spree and collected foreskins as trophies. Even if it's an allegory about not issuing shallow threats because there's always someone desperate/dumb/weird enough to take up the offer, it's still gross. Saul could have tasked David with something weird but not homicidal and barbaric.

It was at this juncture in my life that I started to question the Bible and its teachings. We went on to learn the grittier details of David's many wives and...that he was a Grade A schmuck to his best pal Uriah. David wanted his friend's wife, so David committed adultery (yes, it takes two to tango, Bathsheba is not innocent in all this), and to "make it okay" David sent his pal Uriah to the front of the combat line and made sure he was killed. With friends like that...

David paid for his sin via the death of a son, which also didn't/doesn't sit well with me. God killed an innocent baby because his parents were adulterous jerks? That's not nice.

But the Psalms, man, the Psalms.

I'm guessing Absalom's public orgy with 10 of David's concubines won't get much airtime.

Kinda psyched for the next installment where (I assume) my main Old Testament man, Daniel, will be portrayed. I presume they'll conveniently skip over the psychotropic dreams but surely they can't resist the furnace and lions' den. I mean, that's just good TV.


I decided to watch the series thinking maybe it would, you know, be "good" for me. A little Sunday School refresher course might help my outlook in some positive way. So far, not so much. No miracles (big or small) to report.

8:01 PM

 
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