Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.

Otherwise, hello, and welcome.
Mail Trillian here<





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Women, The Internet and You: Tips for Men Who Use Online Dating Sites
Part I, Your Profile and Email

Part II, Selecting a Potential Date

Part III, Your First Date!

Part IV, After the First Date. Now What?


"50 First Dates"






Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.

Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Find Federal Officials
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or Search by State

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Contact The Media
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Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)

Quasar
Hyperbole
Amenable
Taciturn
Ennui
Prophetic
Tawdry
Hubris
Ethereal
Syzygy
Umbrageous
Twerp
Sluice
Omnipotent
Sanctuary
Malevolent
Maelstrom
Luddite
Subterfuge
Akimbo
Hoosegow
Dodecahedron
Visceral
Soupçon
Truculent
Vitriol
Mercurial
Kerfuffle
Sangfroid




























 







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Highlights from the Archives. Some favorite Trillian moments.

Void, Of Course: Eliminating Expectations and Emotions for a Better Way of Life

200i: iPodyssey

Macs Are from Venus, Windows is from Mars Can a relationship survive across platform barriers?
Jerking Off

Get A Job

Office Church Ladies: A Fieldguide

'Cause I'm a Blonde

True? Honestly? I think not.

A Good Day AND Funyuns?

The Easter Boy

Relationship in the Dumpster

Wedding Dress 4 Sale, Never Worn

Got Friends? Are You Sure? Take This Test

What About Class? Take This Test

A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away, There Was a Really Bad Movie

May Your Alchemical Process be Complete. Rob Roy Recipe

Good Thing She's Not in a Good Mood Very Often (We Knew it Wouldn't Last)

What Do I Have to Do to Put You in this Car Today?

Of Mice and Me (Killer Cat Strikes in Local Woman's Apartment)

Trillian: The Musical (The Holiday Special)

LA Woman (I Love (Hate) LA)

It is my Cultureth
...and it would suit-eth me kindly to speak-eth in such mannered tongue

Slanglish

It's a Little Bit Me, It's a Little Bit You
Blogging a Legacy for Future Generations


Parents Visiting? Use Trillian's Mantra!

Ghosts of Christmas Past: Mod Hair Ken

Caught Blogging by Mom, Boss or Other

2003 Holiday Sho-Lo/Mullet Awards

Crullers, The Beer Store and Other Saintly Places

Come on Out of that Doghouse! It's a Sunshine Day!

"...I had no idea our CEO is actually Paula Abdul in disguise."

Lap Dance of the Cripple

Of Muppets and American Idols
"I said happier place, not crappier place!"

Finally Off Crutches, Trillian is Emancipated

Payless? Trillian? Shoe Confessions

Reality Wednesday: Extremely Local Pub

Reality Wednesday: Backstage Staging Zone (The Sweater Blog)

The Night Secret Agent Man Shot My Dad

To Dream the Impossible Dream: The Office Karaoke Party

Trillian Flies Economy Class (Prisoner, Cell Block H)

Trillian Visits the Village of the Damned, Takes Drugs, Becomes Delusional and Blogs Her Brains Out

Trillian's Parents are Powerless

Striptease for Spiders: A PETA Charity Event (People for the Ethical Treatment of Arachnids)

What's Up with Trillian and the Richard Branson Worship?

"Screw the French and their politics, give me their cheese!"


















 
Mail Trillian here





Trillian's Guide to the Galaxy gives 5 stars to these places in the Universe:
So much more than fun with fonts, this is a daily dose of visual poetry set against a backdrop of historical trivia. (C'mon, how can you not love a site that notes Wolfman Jack's birthday?!)

CellStories

Alliance for the Great Lakes


Hot, so cool, so cool we're hot.

Ig Nobel Awards

And you think YOU have the worst bridesmaid dress?

Coolest Jewelry in the Universe here (trust Trillian, she knows)

Red Tango

If your boss is an idiot, click here.

Evil Cat Full of Loathing.

Wildlife Works

Detroit Cobras


The Beachwood Reporter is better than not all, but most sex.



Hey! Why not check out some great art and illustration while you're here? Please? It won't hurt and it's free.

Shag

Kii Arens

Tim Biskup

Jeff Soto

Jotto




Get Fuzzy Now!
If you're not getting fuzzy, you should be. All hail Darby Conley. Yes, he's part of the Syndicate. But he's cool.





Who or what is HWNMNBS: (He Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken) Trillian's ex-fiancé. "Issues? What issues?"







Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.


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Reading blogs at work? Click to escape to a suitable site!

Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains





























Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero

 
Saturday, April 27, 2013  
Louis CK's latest HBO special has a segment on ugly people. I'm not taking Louis CK to task for this. He's a comedian, he is paid to make people laugh. A smart comedian knows to keep their material to universal truths in order to maximize their laughs and consequently, popularity and gig booking potential. Ugly people are universally funny. As the clip shows, his audience got a big laugh from his observation.


He is, of course, correct.

As one of the millions of people deemed physically unworthy of physical affection, I'm not offended by his bit. I am ugly. Men are not attracted to me. I am one of those women who has spent her entire dating-age life hearing, at best, "you have a great personality, I really like you, but not for anything more than friends. I'm not attracted to you," from men. At worst I've heard every insult and joke about appearance in the human language. I chose to accept it and gave up on dating, romance and mating. I'm in a better emotional place because of it. Men are not attracted to me. Period. It's disappointing, it hurts and it's lonely. But I understand why other people, normal-looking people, find it funny that there are people so ugly they can't get laid.

Two days after I saw Louis CK's bit about "me" and my kind, I was at a concert. It was my first night out in ages. A friend was visiting from out of town. She treated me to dinner, drinks and a concert. It was a huge deal for me. HUGE. Really huge. I don't have money for anything other than basics, so these kinds of evenings are a) distant memories or b) fantasies. The whole thing was made even more huge by the fact that I haven't seen my friend for a couple years, so I was very excited to see her and go out on the town. She was traveling sans husband and children, so it was going to be like old times. We have an impressive shared roster of live music in our past. We share taste in music and have suffered the same hearing loss in the pursuit of our love of live, loud guitars (and the men who play them).

In the two years since I last saw my friend she had some "work" done. I knew she had some, um, procedures, she was honest about it, but her honestly didn't soften the blow. She the last person I would have ever thought would even consider plastic surgery. But. She works in a youth-oriented industry so she feels compelled to fight/buy off the physical march of time. She was always curvy, and that's not a euphemism for fat, she was 34-22-34, Catherine Zeta-Jones curvy. And she was always very attractive so it's not as if she needs much work. As she says, everything's just lifted and smoothed back into its original position. But her hips and bum don't just look smaller, they look different. I think she's a bit young to even consider any kind of "work," but her theory (and apparently her plastic surgeon's theory) is that it's better to catch this stuff early rather than let it wait until it's way out of hand. She told me an added bonus has been the uptick in the action in the bedroom with her husband. They both feel sexier now that she's physically sexier. (her words, not mine) She's a couple years older than I am, but with her "work" and makeup and new hair color she looks a couple years younger than I am. To me it just seems like a lot of money and effort to only lose a few physical years and fit into a size smaller jeans. To each their own.

The crowd at the concert we attended was a mixed group, but primarily comprised of people older than us. Ten minutes after entering the venue a man hit on my friend. Mind you, she has an enormous and conspicuous wedding ring. Undaunted, this guy was flirting with her, offering to buy her a drink. She declined and we moved along. Another guy approached her. And then another. I was the invisible ugly friend. This is how it's always been when she and I go out. Men hit on her and ignore me. I'm used to it, I know what to expect. I also know middle aged men, post-divorce, are flying high on some kind of oblivion nectar that imbues them with an incredible (and overinflated) ego that makes them feel irresistible to women. All women. Even younger women. Even younger married women. I dunno. Whatever.

The concert was great, we were having a blast in the raucous part of the crowd. And then one of the guys my friend rebuffed made his way to us, plastic cups full of cheap beer in each hand. He had to pass between me and the crazily dancing people around us to sidle up to my friend. In doing so, he spilled one of the beers on me. I was covered in what I presume was Budweiser from neck to knee. Some of you might be thinking, "Wet t-shirt!!!" But trust me, no one present was thinking that. You might also think the man, a 50-something year old man, would, you know, apologize. But no.

He got mad at me, and, in a voice so loud it could be heard over the really loud guitars, he said, "Move, you fucking ugly cunt!" He put a pause and pronounced emphasis on the word ugly. The people around us heard him and turned to look at the guy, first giving him glares for the loud obscene insult, but then they saw me, and apparently agreed with his assessment, and laughed at me. And then they went on fist pumping the air to the bass rhythm. My friend was angry at him but then got a look at me with my beer soaked shirt and laughed, too. She apologized, but still, she laughed. I'm sure I was a funny sight. But she could have laughed, you know, later, like the next day. Or at least after the guy who called me a fucking ugly cunt had been shot down and left the area. The guy took her laughter as a green light to continue to shove past me stand between my friend and me, laughing at me.

I wasn't going to let this guy ruin my first night out in ages, and if my married friend wanted to hang out with a rude, immature old guy, that's her business. Getting mad wasn't going to solve anything. The damage was done, I was beer soaked and deemed a fucking ugly cunt, my friend and the immediate crowd agreed and got a good laugh out of my beer soaked appearance, and that was that. So I just tried to roll with it.

But Feeling like Carrie at the prom is kind of a buzz kill. I'd been lost in the music, carefree and having a blast, the first time in...well, geeze, years, and then blam! the spell was broken. Back to reality.

I knew I shouldn't let any of it get to me, but the stench of the beer and my friend laughing at me, well, it did get to me. Maybe if the guy hadn't lingered and staked his claim on my friend I would have swept it all aside more quickly, but he was standing between me and my friend, yelling stuff in her ear, pretending he knew about guitars (he did not) trying to impress her. 

When the concert ended and the final bows were taken, we left with the throng of people exiting the venue. We got separated but thanks to my height I could see her ahead of me, so when I had the chance I bounded up to her in the lobby. She was talking to the guy who spilled beer on me. Great. I stopped bounding and just kind of hovered while she and the guy talked. Apparently he wanted to go for drinks because I heard her said, "...we have plans." To which he said, "Bring her, the more the merrier!" She then pointed toward me. He turned and saw me - the fucking ugly cunt who got in his way - and his convivial demeanor dropped. More is apparently not merrier when the more in question is me. He seemed genuinely shocked. "You're with her?! She's your friend?! I thought you meant the chick on the other side of you!!"

I told her she could do whatever she wanted, I was going home to get out of the beer soaked clothes. And no,  I was not sarcastic or nasty about it. I meant it, she could do whatever she wanted. In fact I kind of wanted her to go out with this guy because I was sort of bothered by her laughing at me and encouraging the guy who called me a fucking ugly cunt and I didn't want to pretend we were fine when one of the we, me, was not fine. When we made our roster for the evening we planned to go out for drinks after the show. It was part of the night's agenda. But the beer soaked clothes and my general feeling of humiliation and ugliness sapped my enthusiasm for our post-concert plans.

She hesitated, "No, no, Trill let's go back to my hotel, I have something you can wear (turning to the guy) and then we can meet up for drinks!"

I did not want to meet up with this guy, and I really did not want to be part of whatever my friend was considering to do behind her husband's back. None of my business.

So I made polite goodbyes and headed to the bus stop. My friend and the guy got into a cab.

You know you're an ugly disaster when people on a bus heading toward the not-so-great part of town at 11:30 at night stare at you and give you "eww, gross" looks.

I saw my friend the next day. I didn't ask. She didn't tell. The guy we were avoiding discussing spilled a beer on me and called me a fucking ugly cunt and she, a married woman, got into a cab and left with him. There's a whole lot of awkwardness and ill-will packed between the lines of that sentence.

When it comes to any situation other than my professional pursuits/life, I strive to be invisible, just blend in and go unnoticed. That's the main goal when you're ugly. You don't want to be noticed for your ugliness, you just want to be not noticed at all. Because there's never a positive reason you're noticed. When you're ugly, no one notices your green eyes or nice smile, or if they do, at best they might offer fleeting pity. "She has pretty colored eyes/a nice smile, too bad about the rest of her." I know this because I've heard this. Many, many (many) times. Pretty colored eyes or a nice smile are not enough to excuse or compensate for the rest of you.

It's okay to laugh at ugly people because we don't have feelings. We don't date, we don't get married, we don't have children, as Louis CK points out, we don't have sex, we don't do any of the things normal-looking people do, we're non-people, so, I've discovered the assumption is that we lack emotions.

A pretty woman in a huge crowed of people with a beer soaked shirt and jeans being called profane names by a middle-aged loser? People rush to her aid, feel sorry for her and lambast the jerk. An ugly woman in a huge crowed of people with a beer soaked shirt and jeans being called profane names by a middle-aged loser? Hilarious.

As the crowd's reaction to Louis CK's bit about ugly people demonstrates, it's socially acceptable to laugh at ugly people because ugly people are mock-worthy and funny. 

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