Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.

Otherwise, hello, and welcome.
Mail Trillian here<





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Women, The Internet and You: Tips for Men Who Use Online Dating Sites
Part I, Your Profile and Email

Part II, Selecting a Potential Date

Part III, Your First Date!

Part IV, After the First Date. Now What?


"50 First Dates"






Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.

Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
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Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)

Quasar
Hyperbole
Amenable
Taciturn
Ennui
Prophetic
Tawdry
Hubris
Ethereal
Syzygy
Umbrageous
Twerp
Sluice
Omnipotent
Sanctuary
Malevolent
Maelstrom
Luddite
Subterfuge
Akimbo
Hoosegow
Dodecahedron
Visceral
Soupçon
Truculent
Vitriol
Mercurial
Kerfuffle
Sangfroid




























 







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Highlights from the Archives. Some favorite Trillian moments.

Void, Of Course: Eliminating Expectations and Emotions for a Better Way of Life

200i: iPodyssey

Macs Are from Venus, Windows is from Mars Can a relationship survive across platform barriers?
Jerking Off

Get A Job

Office Church Ladies: A Fieldguide

'Cause I'm a Blonde

True? Honestly? I think not.

A Good Day AND Funyuns?

The Easter Boy

Relationship in the Dumpster

Wedding Dress 4 Sale, Never Worn

Got Friends? Are You Sure? Take This Test

What About Class? Take This Test

A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away, There Was a Really Bad Movie

May Your Alchemical Process be Complete. Rob Roy Recipe

Good Thing She's Not in a Good Mood Very Often (We Knew it Wouldn't Last)

What Do I Have to Do to Put You in this Car Today?

Of Mice and Me (Killer Cat Strikes in Local Woman's Apartment)

Trillian: The Musical (The Holiday Special)

LA Woman (I Love (Hate) LA)

It is my Cultureth
...and it would suit-eth me kindly to speak-eth in such mannered tongue

Slanglish

It's a Little Bit Me, It's a Little Bit You
Blogging a Legacy for Future Generations


Parents Visiting? Use Trillian's Mantra!

Ghosts of Christmas Past: Mod Hair Ken

Caught Blogging by Mom, Boss or Other

2003 Holiday Sho-Lo/Mullet Awards

Crullers, The Beer Store and Other Saintly Places

Come on Out of that Doghouse! It's a Sunshine Day!

"...I had no idea our CEO is actually Paula Abdul in disguise."

Lap Dance of the Cripple

Of Muppets and American Idols
"I said happier place, not crappier place!"

Finally Off Crutches, Trillian is Emancipated

Payless? Trillian? Shoe Confessions

Reality Wednesday: Extremely Local Pub

Reality Wednesday: Backstage Staging Zone (The Sweater Blog)

The Night Secret Agent Man Shot My Dad

To Dream the Impossible Dream: The Office Karaoke Party

Trillian Flies Economy Class (Prisoner, Cell Block H)

Trillian Visits the Village of the Damned, Takes Drugs, Becomes Delusional and Blogs Her Brains Out

Trillian's Parents are Powerless

Striptease for Spiders: A PETA Charity Event (People for the Ethical Treatment of Arachnids)

What's Up with Trillian and the Richard Branson Worship?

"Screw the French and their politics, give me their cheese!"


















 
Mail Trillian here





Trillian's Guide to the Galaxy gives 5 stars to these places in the Universe:
So much more than fun with fonts, this is a daily dose of visual poetry set against a backdrop of historical trivia. (C'mon, how can you not love a site that notes Wolfman Jack's birthday?!)

CellStories

Alliance for the Great Lakes


Hot, so cool, so cool we're hot.

Ig Nobel Awards

And you think YOU have the worst bridesmaid dress?

Coolest Jewelry in the Universe here (trust Trillian, she knows)

Red Tango

If your boss is an idiot, click here.

Evil Cat Full of Loathing.

Wildlife Works

Detroit Cobras


The Beachwood Reporter is better than not all, but most sex.



Hey! Why not check out some great art and illustration while you're here? Please? It won't hurt and it's free.

Shag

Kii Arens

Tim Biskup

Jeff Soto

Jotto




Get Fuzzy Now!
If you're not getting fuzzy, you should be. All hail Darby Conley. Yes, he's part of the Syndicate. But he's cool.





Who or what is HWNMNBS: (He Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken) Trillian's ex-fiancé. "Issues? What issues?"







Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.


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Reading blogs at work? Click to escape to a suitable site!

Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains





























Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero

 
Tuesday, November 12, 2013  
The good people at Pfizer have given me another source of anxiety to keep me awake nights. Apparently during menopause my vagina is likely to atrophy. Pfizer has deemed this a condition and aptly named it: Vaginal atrophy.

Even though I’m now losing sleep over this newfound malady that may afflict my loin, there’s no need to fear vaginal atrophy. Now from the good folks who brought us Viagra comes a cure for vaginal atrophy: Estring.

How do I know this? Because I unknowingly triggered Pfizer’s “Estring” SEO by reading an email wherein a friend complained about being hormonal then following a link she included to the Coldwater Creek site to look at a sweater she’s thinking about buying her mother.  I can understand that the word “hormonal” immediately followed by a trip to the Coldwater Creek site could lead someone to suspect I am menopausal or post-menopausal. The subsequent trip to The Daily Show’s site probably added fuel to the menopausal demographic fire. But. I’m not menopausal (or post-menopausal), and while my vagina hasn’t seen much action lately, I’m pretty sure it’s not atrophying.

Atrophy means “decrease in size due to disease, injury or lack of use.” Oh. Lack of use. Maybe I do have vaginal atrophy. No. Not yet, anyway. I think my vagina is the same size it’s always been. Vaginal apathy, yes. Vaginal atrophy, no.

Banner ads for Estring started appearing in my email sidebar within 10 minutes of my “hormonal”-Coldwater Creek-Daily Show demographic hat trick. Unfortunately, I didn’t connect those dots until after I landed on the ad’s linked site and got a bit of a surprise. I visually read the logo for Estring as “E-string.” I thought it was an ad for an online guitar superstore. This was a plausible thought because I’d gone to the Pixies site and iTunes and the tech specs area of the Marshall amps site in the days prior to the string of Estring ads. Based on that info, one might conclude I would be interested in guitars and guitar supplies, at least enough to trigger a banner ad or two.

Imagine my surprise when I landed on the Pfizer site dedicated to post-menopausal vaginal dryness.

Apparently it’s pronounced “Est-ring,” not “E-string.” Pfizer might want to revamp their logo so the pronunciation is more obvious. And while they’re at it, come up with a better name. Even when read “correctly,” estring sounds like a group of people sitting in a circle trying to reignite the ‘70s est self-help philosophy movement.

While “Vaginal Atrophy” is a great grrrl rock band name, it is not an apt name for what Estring actually resolves: Vaginal dryness. My skin gets dry in winter. But it’s not decreasing in size due to disease, injury or lack of use. It’s not atrophying. I use moisturizer for dry skin, not for “skin atrophy.” I have occasional issues with dry eyes. I use eye drops for dry eyes, not for “eye atrophy.”

The term Vaginal Atrophy (in proper noun capital letters) caught my eye. I thought my vaginal apathy might lead to Vaginal Atrophy and I was, frankly, concerned. Heretofore I was naïve to the vaginal ailments that can occur in menopause and beyond. My mother certainly never told me about this and my doctor never mentions it. Perhaps because I’m not there yet, but still, it seems like someone would have pulled me aside and warned me about this. Fortunately Pfizer has it all under control. They even provide advice on “how to talk to your doctor/partner about vaginal atrophy.” There’s a downloadable discussion guide. I don’t think I have vaginal atrophy, or vaginal dryness. But apparently one day I may. If/when that day arrives, and it’s bothersome enough to seek advice from the Pfizer site, I’m pretty sure I’ll know how to start the conversation with my doctor. I’m pretty sure the conversation will, in fact, start itself when she has to use extra KY to get the speculum up in there because my vagina is dry, or worse, smaller because it’s atrophying. If that doesn’t start the conversation, I’m pretty sure, “Doc, my vagina doesn’t feel as moist and perky as it used to feel…” will begin the meaningful dialog on the intricacies of the post-menopausal vagina.

As you can probably discern, I spent way too much time researching and thinking about vaginal atrophy (I refuse to proper noun capitalize it because I refuse to accept this term). It’s not that I expect menopause to be easy. I’ve heard the jokes, worked with the sweaty women, and dealt with the depressed and cranky older women in my family. I know it’s not always a joyous time in a woman’s life. It’s the term “atrophy” that keeps gnawing at me as I’m drifting off to sleep. Atrophy is frequently used to describe what happens to people with degenerative muscular diseases. Images from high school biology textbooks showing legs and arms that are just bones with shriveled up skin hanging loose on them come to mind. And yet, someone, some clinical person, feels that atrophy is the proper term for the post-menopausal vagina. So what image comes to mind when I, or any other woman, hears vaginal atrophy? A shriveled entrail hanging loose between a woman’s legs. Nice. Thanks, Pfizer.

They don’t call it “erectile atrophy.” They call it erectile dysfunction. Why not vaginal dysfunction? Is it because women are more comfortable with clinical terms than men? Tell a man he has “erectile atrophy” and he’s liable to punch the doctor in the gut and then commit suicide. Tell a woman she has vaginal atrophy and she’ll…do what I’m doing: Get angry at pharmaceutical companies for scaring the bejeezus out of us and for incorrectly using a medical term.

I tried to banish the ads by spending a lot of time looking for tampon coupons and condom websites. (that was interesting) I started getting ads for chocolate, birth control pills/devices, Midol and oddly, batteries. I refreshed my browser, dumped cookies from my cache and deleted the hormonal/Coldwater Creek email from my friend and rebooted my computer. And still…the Estring ads appear.

Apart from anger in the terminology, mainly I feel sorry for the graphic designer who was tasked with creating the insertion/removal animations on the Pfizer site. A job’s a job, but I’m pretty sure no one goes to art school hoping to one day create graphics such as these:
 

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11:58 AM

 
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