• Fly your airplane in the restricted airspace of the location of the service. With a malfunctioning radio. This is particularly important when attending the memorial service for a former leader of the free world. In Washington D.C. While the country is at war.
  
  
• Get mad at the law enforcement official who bullhorns, "You have one minute to impact" at a nation's capital where nearly every elected official and dignitary is in attendance. He is doing his job. Okay, so, maybe he's overreacting just a bit before the actual facts are known, but rest assured he'll be fired or put on parking meter duty for the next 20 years. You do not need to get mad at him and go on worldwide television and complain about him overreacting. Somewhere a guy who speaks with an odd diabolical accent and looks like Christopher Walkin is sitting in a dark room with a wall of televisions showing every broadcast everywhere, and he's pointing at the screen with you on it and laughing manically. "Ha ha ha...fool! He won't think it's overreacting when I have my way with them during the funeral," rubbing his hands wickedly together, "every world leader except the ones in hiding and Castro will be at that funeral! One push of this button and the world is mine! MINE!" meanwhile you're standing there with your Lakers basketball jersey whining about having to wait even longer and getting scared needlessly because the guy on the bullhorn overreacted. In case you haven't heard (apparently not) America's at war and there are a lot of countries and world leaders and just plain mean people who do not like America or Americans very much. I know you may find this shocking and perhaps think I'm overreacting, but think about it: A plane in restricted airspace during a state procession of a dead dignitary turns the US Capital into an even bigger sitting duck than it already is.
  
  
• Make "funny" faces at the news cameras while waiting in line to view the coffin and mourn. Yes. Kids will be kids, but parents should explain to their children this is not a theme park ride (even though it seems like it) but a momentous and serious occasion. If the children are too young or otherwise unable to grasp the concepts of respect for the dead, ceremony and mourning, they should be left at home or anywhere other than in line to view the coffin. If you're an adult and are unable to grasp the concepts of respect for the dead, ceremony and mourning, stay home.
  
  Please.
  
  Just.
  
  Stay.
  
  Home.
  
  People all over the world will see the clips of you in line. Americans do not need you furthering the reputation Americans have as tasteless, arrogant buffoons.
  
  
• Use any portion of the viewing, mourning, ceremony, procession, media blitz as a celebrity public relations effort to boost your celebrity status. Posing as quietly respectful with head in mock endearing sensitivity will not improve your C List status. Shedding a tear and making a big soap opera moment of wiping it away will only secure your place in infomercials. Morgan Fairchild this means you. Kato Kaelin called, he wants his 15 minutes back from you.
  
  
• Point and make the "OMG! It's...!!!!" expression when you see a famous person viewing the coffin and mourning. Are you here to pay respect/mourn or because you think you might catch a glimpse of a C List celebrity? Morgan Fairchild can't be that difficult to spot in Southern California. I doubt you need to wait hours in line under the pretense of paying respect to a dead dignitary to catch a glimpse of her. I'm also guessing you see lots of C List celebrities down at the galleria all the time. You live in Southern California. They grow on trees there. Do you really point and make the "OMG! It's...!!!!" face every time you see a quasi celebrity? Really?
  
  
• Wear a color other than black, navy blue or dark gray. Okay, so, you didn't know you were going to be attending a service for a dead president and you didn't pack your dark suit or dress. For the love of Miss Manners, girl, do you not have a colleague or friend in town who can lend you a suitable dark frock? In the case of one elected official who will be forever noticed in every photograph seen round the world because of her light beige above the knee skirt and cleavage revealing jacket, SURELY YOU COULD FIND A FEW DOLLARS TO PROCURE A DECENT ENSEMBLE TO WEAR TO A SWUTTING DEAD PRESIDENT'S ARRIVAL AT THE CAPITAL! IT'S NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU, YOU KNOW!
  
  
• Move your lips (or actually speak) as you count the shots fired at the 21 gun salute. These things are big military productions. They will fire the appropriate number of shots. There's no test or guesswork or blooper here. I suppose it's human nature to count them, but do so silently, in your head, without moving your lips as the shots are fired. This is a memorial service, not Sesame Street. And you look really, really stupid standing there looking into the sky as your lips form "one"
  
  (big long pause)
  
  "two"
  
  (big long pause)
  
  "three"
  
  (big long pause - three is especially bad because it makes you form a grin as you mouth it so it looks like you're really happy to be counting off a 21 gun salute because a dignitary died)
  
  "four"
  
  (big long pause - four is bad, too, because for some reason people really slo mo this number "foooooouuuuuuuurrrrrrrr" you can almost hear their voice drop to that weird low slo mo decibel.)
  
  See what I mean? You're just reading this and already you're thinking, "Okay, we get it."
  
  
• Get irritated with the widow/er of the dead dignitary. Sure, s/he seems a little confused and maybe s/he doesn't follow the schedule as rehearsed. Sure there's protocol and all that. But unless s/he is confused beyond the point of recognition, talking or walking aimlessly and endangering themselves and/or those around them, give them their moments, do what they ask, and do not give her that universal dad look which says you will be paying for this for weeks to come. So what if you're the vice president. You are not the boss of her at her husband's memorial. If it weren't for her you'd be eating on ancient chipped and cracked china, so politely give her the few seconds she wants to smooth out the flag on her husband's coffin. It did need smoothing anyway, and if she wants to do it, let her. Go back to your bunker and take a copy of Emily Post with you and don't come out until you've read it cover to cover and understand why those disapproving looks you gave were inappropriate. Honestly. You ought to be ashamed. No wonder they don't let you out in public very often.
  
  
• Talk about scandals, family estrangements or gossip about the dead dignitary in a voiceover during their memorial procession. It's pointless, rude and tacky. Every newscaster on the air, this means you. We all know Patti wrote that book, we all know Ron Jr. has had some, um, issues, and Michael, well, for the love of Dave Thomas, we all know he's adopted, the man is 60 years old, let it go. Okay? Just let it go. For the sake of adoptees everywhere, LET IT GO. (though since no one's mentioned it, I will, remember the time Ron Jr. reenacted the Old Time Rock and Roll underwear scene from Risky Business on SNL? For my money that's a classic. Ooops. See what I mean? This is not the time.)
  
  
• Take this opportunity to spout off your personal issues with the dead dignitary's policies, politics or perceived agenda. In most cases the dignitary is long out of office. Spouting off your differences with their politics does nothing but age yourself and make you a bitter, disrespectful, tacky, crashing bore. If you happen to be a poor, middle aged, gay minority, we all assume you didn't vote for him or approve of his policies and politics. Taking this time to make stupid jokes, unwitty remarks or militant statements will not endear you or your cause(s) to anyone.
  
  
• Speculate or loudly insist "the coffin's empty." Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't. It doesn't matter. Reagan, Nixon, Diana and Elvis can be living on a commune in New Foundland for all any of us care. The point here is the memorial service. MEMORIAL. Take a moment to pay respect for the person's life and public service. Some people have strong emotional attachments to public figures and they're grieving. Going out and paying last respect is something very personal and something very important to them. Their reasons are no one's business, let them go and pay their respects and mourn in peace. Mocking them with, "the coffin's empty" isn't helping them and isn't proving anything other than your insensitivity and stupidity. It makes no difference whatsoever if the coffin is completely empty, carrying the body or full of party favors. It's symbolic and ceremonial. It's called decorum. If the coffin is empty, it's not a government cover up or conspiracy, it's a practical, safe measure taken to protect the remains of a former dignitary.
  
  
• Make jokes about the dead dignitary's cause of death. I'm not kidding. I heard three by midnight Saturday night. Too soon. Too thoughtless. Too stupid. Too unnecessary. We all know how they died. It's not funny. Regardless of your feeling about the dead person, there are many other people who suffer and die from the same horrible diseases, tragic violent car crashes, drug overdoses and murder. You're not just making fun of the dead dignitary, you're making fun of everyone who has the same disease or dies the same way. Grow up, get some class and move beyond the obvious and easy shots.
  
  
• Complain about the nonstop media coverage. I know it's insane. I know it's "wrong." I know it interferes with your regularly scheduled television viewing line-up. But aren't we in Summer re-runs anyway? And more to the point: If no one were watching, listening or reading, the news media would not be pouncing on the "event" with the ratings and advertising zeal of the Super Bowl. Someone, rather, a lot of someones, want to see, hear and read all of this. If it bothers you, the best defense/revenge is to turn off the television or radio or internet. Don't purchase the newspapers or magazines. Send a well thought out and properly spelled letter/email to the editor about the obsessive coverage and the sensationalistic turn news media has taken for the worse. (However this is not the time to spout off your personal issues about the deceased, see above.)
  

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