Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.

Otherwise, hello, and welcome.
Mail Trillian here<





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Women, The Internet and You: Tips for Men Who Use Online Dating Sites
Part I, Your Profile and Email

Part II, Selecting a Potential Date

Part III, Your First Date!

Part IV, After the First Date. Now What?


"50 First Dates"






Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.

Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Find Federal Officials
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or Search by State

Find State Officials
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or Search by State

Contact The Media
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or Search by State





Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)

Quasar
Hyperbole
Amenable
Taciturn
Ennui
Prophetic
Tawdry
Hubris
Ethereal
Syzygy
Umbrageous
Twerp
Sluice
Omnipotent
Sanctuary
Malevolent
Maelstrom
Luddite
Subterfuge
Akimbo
Hoosegow
Dodecahedron
Visceral
Soupçon
Truculent
Vitriol
Mercurial
Kerfuffle
Sangfroid




























 







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Highlights from the Archives. Some favorite Trillian moments.

Void, Of Course: Eliminating Expectations and Emotions for a Better Way of Life

200i: iPodyssey

Macs Are from Venus, Windows is from Mars Can a relationship survive across platform barriers?
Jerking Off

Get A Job

Office Church Ladies: A Fieldguide

'Cause I'm a Blonde

True? Honestly? I think not.

A Good Day AND Funyuns?

The Easter Boy

Relationship in the Dumpster

Wedding Dress 4 Sale, Never Worn

Got Friends? Are You Sure? Take This Test

What About Class? Take This Test

A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away, There Was a Really Bad Movie

May Your Alchemical Process be Complete. Rob Roy Recipe

Good Thing She's Not in a Good Mood Very Often (We Knew it Wouldn't Last)

What Do I Have to Do to Put You in this Car Today?

Of Mice and Me (Killer Cat Strikes in Local Woman's Apartment)

Trillian: The Musical (The Holiday Special)

LA Woman (I Love (Hate) LA)

It is my Cultureth
...and it would suit-eth me kindly to speak-eth in such mannered tongue

Slanglish

It's a Little Bit Me, It's a Little Bit You
Blogging a Legacy for Future Generations


Parents Visiting? Use Trillian's Mantra!

Ghosts of Christmas Past: Mod Hair Ken

Caught Blogging by Mom, Boss or Other

2003 Holiday Sho-Lo/Mullet Awards

Crullers, The Beer Store and Other Saintly Places

Come on Out of that Doghouse! It's a Sunshine Day!

"...I had no idea our CEO is actually Paula Abdul in disguise."

Lap Dance of the Cripple

Of Muppets and American Idols
"I said happier place, not crappier place!"

Finally Off Crutches, Trillian is Emancipated

Payless? Trillian? Shoe Confessions

Reality Wednesday: Extremely Local Pub

Reality Wednesday: Backstage Staging Zone (The Sweater Blog)

The Night Secret Agent Man Shot My Dad

To Dream the Impossible Dream: The Office Karaoke Party

Trillian Flies Economy Class (Prisoner, Cell Block H)

Trillian Visits the Village of the Damned, Takes Drugs, Becomes Delusional and Blogs Her Brains Out

Trillian's Parents are Powerless

Striptease for Spiders: A PETA Charity Event (People for the Ethical Treatment of Arachnids)

What's Up with Trillian and the Richard Branson Worship?

"Screw the French and their politics, give me their cheese!"


















 
Mail Trillian here





Trillian's Guide to the Galaxy gives 5 stars to these places in the Universe:
So much more than fun with fonts, this is a daily dose of visual poetry set against a backdrop of historical trivia. (C'mon, how can you not love a site that notes Wolfman Jack's birthday?!)

CellStories

Alliance for the Great Lakes


Hot, so cool, so cool we're hot.

Ig Nobel Awards

And you think YOU have the worst bridesmaid dress?

Coolest Jewelry in the Universe here (trust Trillian, she knows)

Red Tango

If your boss is an idiot, click here.

Evil Cat Full of Loathing.

Wildlife Works

Detroit Cobras


The Beachwood Reporter is better than not all, but most sex.



Hey! Why not check out some great art and illustration while you're here? Please? It won't hurt and it's free.

Shag

Kii Arens

Tim Biskup

Jeff Soto

Jotto




Get Fuzzy Now!
If you're not getting fuzzy, you should be. All hail Darby Conley. Yes, he's part of the Syndicate. But he's cool.





Who or what is HWNMNBS: (He Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken) Trillian's ex-fiancé. "Issues? What issues?"







Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.


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Reading blogs at work? Click to escape to a suitable site!

Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains





























Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero

 
Thursday, June 10, 2004  
Thursday Things I Know for Sure (This Ain't Oprah's List)
Special State Funeral/Memorial Edition


When attending a state funeral/memorial/viewing do not:


  • Fly your airplane in the restricted airspace of the location of the service. With a malfunctioning radio. This is particularly important when attending the memorial service for a former leader of the free world. In Washington D.C. While the country is at war.

  • Get mad at the law enforcement official who bullhorns, "You have one minute to impact" at a nation's capital where nearly every elected official and dignitary is in attendance. He is doing his job. Okay, so, maybe he's overreacting just a bit before the actual facts are known, but rest assured he'll be fired or put on parking meter duty for the next 20 years. You do not need to get mad at him and go on worldwide television and complain about him overreacting. Somewhere a guy who speaks with an odd diabolical accent and looks like Christopher Walkin is sitting in a dark room with a wall of televisions showing every broadcast everywhere, and he's pointing at the screen with you on it and laughing manically. "Ha ha ha...fool! He won't think it's overreacting when I have my way with them during the funeral," rubbing his hands wickedly together, "every world leader except the ones in hiding and Castro will be at that funeral! One push of this button and the world is mine! MINE!" meanwhile you're standing there with your Lakers basketball jersey whining about having to wait even longer and getting scared needlessly because the guy on the bullhorn overreacted. In case you haven't heard (apparently not) America's at war and there are a lot of countries and world leaders and just plain mean people who do not like America or Americans very much. I know you may find this shocking and perhaps think I'm overreacting, but think about it: A plane in restricted airspace during a state procession of a dead dignitary turns the US Capital into an even bigger sitting duck than it already is.

  • Make "funny" faces at the news cameras while waiting in line to view the coffin and mourn. Yes. Kids will be kids, but parents should explain to their children this is not a theme park ride (even though it seems like it) but a momentous and serious occasion. If the children are too young or otherwise unable to grasp the concepts of respect for the dead, ceremony and mourning, they should be left at home or anywhere other than in line to view the coffin. If you're an adult and are unable to grasp the concepts of respect for the dead, ceremony and mourning, stay home.

    Please.

    Just.

    Stay.

    Home.

    People all over the world will see the clips of you in line. Americans do not need you furthering the reputation Americans have as tasteless, arrogant buffoons.

  • Use any portion of the viewing, mourning, ceremony, procession, media blitz as a celebrity public relations effort to boost your celebrity status. Posing as quietly respectful with head in mock endearing sensitivity will not improve your C List status. Shedding a tear and making a big soap opera moment of wiping it away will only secure your place in infomercials. Morgan Fairchild this means you. Kato Kaelin called, he wants his 15 minutes back from you.

  • Point and make the "OMG! It's...!!!!" expression when you see a famous person viewing the coffin and mourning. Are you here to pay respect/mourn or because you think you might catch a glimpse of a C List celebrity? Morgan Fairchild can't be that difficult to spot in Southern California. I doubt you need to wait hours in line under the pretense of paying respect to a dead dignitary to catch a glimpse of her. I'm also guessing you see lots of C List celebrities down at the galleria all the time. You live in Southern California. They grow on trees there. Do you really point and make the "OMG! It's...!!!!" face every time you see a quasi celebrity? Really?

  • Wear a color other than black, navy blue or dark gray. Okay, so, you didn't know you were going to be attending a service for a dead president and you didn't pack your dark suit or dress. For the love of Miss Manners, girl, do you not have a colleague or friend in town who can lend you a suitable dark frock? In the case of one elected official who will be forever noticed in every photograph seen round the world because of her light beige above the knee skirt and cleavage revealing jacket, SURELY YOU COULD FIND A FEW DOLLARS TO PROCURE A DECENT ENSEMBLE TO WEAR TO A SWUTTING DEAD PRESIDENT'S ARRIVAL AT THE CAPITAL! IT'S NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU, YOU KNOW!

  • Move your lips (or actually speak) as you count the shots fired at the 21 gun salute. These things are big military productions. They will fire the appropriate number of shots. There's no test or guesswork or blooper here. I suppose it's human nature to count them, but do so silently, in your head, without moving your lips as the shots are fired. This is a memorial service, not Sesame Street. And you look really, really stupid standing there looking into the sky as your lips form "one"

    (big long pause)

    "two"

    (big long pause)

    "three"

    (big long pause - three is especially bad because it makes you form a grin as you mouth it so it looks like you're really happy to be counting off a 21 gun salute because a dignitary died)

    "four"

    (big long pause - four is bad, too, because for some reason people really slo mo this number "foooooouuuuuuuurrrrrrrr" you can almost hear their voice drop to that weird low slo mo decibel.)

    See what I mean? You're just reading this and already you're thinking, "Okay, we get it."

  • Get irritated with the widow/er of the dead dignitary. Sure, s/he seems a little confused and maybe s/he doesn't follow the schedule as rehearsed. Sure there's protocol and all that. But unless s/he is confused beyond the point of recognition, talking or walking aimlessly and endangering themselves and/or those around them, give them their moments, do what they ask, and do not give her that universal dad look which says you will be paying for this for weeks to come. So what if you're the vice president. You are not the boss of her at her husband's memorial. If it weren't for her you'd be eating on ancient chipped and cracked china, so politely give her the few seconds she wants to smooth out the flag on her husband's coffin. It did need smoothing anyway, and if she wants to do it, let her. Go back to your bunker and take a copy of Emily Post with you and don't come out until you've read it cover to cover and understand why those disapproving looks you gave were inappropriate. Honestly. You ought to be ashamed. No wonder they don't let you out in public very often.

  • Talk about scandals, family estrangements or gossip about the dead dignitary in a voiceover during their memorial procession. It's pointless, rude and tacky. Every newscaster on the air, this means you. We all know Patti wrote that book, we all know Ron Jr. has had some, um, issues, and Michael, well, for the love of Dave Thomas, we all know he's adopted, the man is 60 years old, let it go. Okay? Just let it go. For the sake of adoptees everywhere, LET IT GO. (though since no one's mentioned it, I will, remember the time Ron Jr. reenacted the Old Time Rock and Roll underwear scene from Risky Business on SNL? For my money that's a classic. Ooops. See what I mean? This is not the time.)

  • Take this opportunity to spout off your personal issues with the dead dignitary's policies, politics or perceived agenda. In most cases the dignitary is long out of office. Spouting off your differences with their politics does nothing but age yourself and make you a bitter, disrespectful, tacky, crashing bore. If you happen to be a poor, middle aged, gay minority, we all assume you didn't vote for him or approve of his policies and politics. Taking this time to make stupid jokes, unwitty remarks or militant statements will not endear you or your cause(s) to anyone.

  • Speculate or loudly insist "the coffin's empty." Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't. It doesn't matter. Reagan, Nixon, Diana and Elvis can be living on a commune in New Foundland for all any of us care. The point here is the memorial service. MEMORIAL. Take a moment to pay respect for the person's life and public service. Some people have strong emotional attachments to public figures and they're grieving. Going out and paying last respect is something very personal and something very important to them. Their reasons are no one's business, let them go and pay their respects and mourn in peace. Mocking them with, "the coffin's empty" isn't helping them and isn't proving anything other than your insensitivity and stupidity. It makes no difference whatsoever if the coffin is completely empty, carrying the body or full of party favors. It's symbolic and ceremonial. It's called decorum. If the coffin is empty, it's not a government cover up or conspiracy, it's a practical, safe measure taken to protect the remains of a former dignitary.

  • Make jokes about the dead dignitary's cause of death. I'm not kidding. I heard three by midnight Saturday night. Too soon. Too thoughtless. Too stupid. Too unnecessary. We all know how they died. It's not funny. Regardless of your feeling about the dead person, there are many other people who suffer and die from the same horrible diseases, tragic violent car crashes, drug overdoses and murder. You're not just making fun of the dead dignitary, you're making fun of everyone who has the same disease or dies the same way. Grow up, get some class and move beyond the obvious and easy shots.

  • Complain about the nonstop media coverage. I know it's insane. I know it's "wrong." I know it interferes with your regularly scheduled television viewing line-up. But aren't we in Summer re-runs anyway? And more to the point: If no one were watching, listening or reading, the news media would not be pouncing on the "event" with the ratings and advertising zeal of the Super Bowl. Someone, rather, a lot of someones, want to see, hear and read all of this. If it bothers you, the best defense/revenge is to turn off the television or radio or internet. Don't purchase the newspapers or magazines. Send a well thought out and properly spelled letter/email to the editor about the obsessive coverage and the sensationalistic turn news media has taken for the worse. (However this is not the time to spout off your personal issues about the deceased, see above.)

8:24 AM

Tuesday, June 08, 2004  
The year 1513.

It's Spring.

You're Ponce de Leon.

You're looking for the fountain of youth.

You discover Florida.

And that was the beginning of the Florida Spring break tradition.

The thing is, Ponce de Leon (Juan) didn't hang around to see what happens in Florida after May.

Fountain of youth? Cesspool of démodé, more like.

If Juan had seen Miami, the Keys or any other part of Florida between May and October, he never would have admitted to finding anything but lots of water.

Why? Because no one would want to go down in history as discovering the Fountain of Bad Hair Days. The Fountain of Pores Opened So Wide They are Craters. The Fountain of Heat and Humidity the Likes of Which are Unsafe for Humans.

Okay. Okay.

Maybe I'm exaggerating a little.

Very little.
But I have never been so happy to leave a place as I was to get out of Florida in June.

I can sum up the past week in one sentence: I got the worst sunburn I've ever had on my shins while wearing SPF 20 and hose.

At 6:30 PM.

Okay. That's one sentence and a qualifying statement.

Still.

It was very, very hot. And very, very humid.

I have good hair. Really good hair. And pretty darned good skin, too.
Unfortunately I don't have good hair or skin for that climate.

No one does.

Alligators. Flamingos. Orchids.

They thrive in Florida.

Exotic? Sure. But think about it: Reptiles, really weird birds and hothouse flowers.

That should tell us enough.

Danger. Go back. Strangers will die. Redrum.

But instead people settled there. Actual people. People whose DNA was never meant to withstand such heat and humidity and environment.

And the retirement and tourism industries were born thanks to what had to be some very, very good marketing.

I was dreading this trip, but mainly because of the long days involved with my work.

Oh sure, I knew it would be hot and humid. I have been in Florida in the Summer. I knew it was going to be uncomfortable. But I thought, "I'll be in a hotel, an air conditioned car, in the shade...the shoots aren't until evening and night..."

The absolute worst part? Trying to dress professionally in that heat. The only hair option is the Robert Palmer Girl Band Slick Back. This is not a look I usually sport. This is not generally a good look for me. Or anyone else. But in Florida there is really no other option if a girl wants to try to maintain some semblance of a look other than frizzed out hairball the cat threw up three days ago or so heavily hair sprayed a hurricane wouldn't move it. Aqua Net takes up more shelf space in several stores in Florida than any other hair styling product - at first I thought it was because of the average age of the women there. Now I know it's because it's the only way to cement hair into place, no matter your age. Robert Palmer Girl Band Slick Back it was. Make up? HA! You're kidding, right? Even if you apply it in the cool comfort and safety of an air conditioned bathroom, at some point you will have to go outside. Even if it's just from the hotel lobby to the valeted car, those few minutes in that heat and humidity of south Florida will not only reduce even the most lightly and carefully applied make up to a mass of molten goo, pores will open so wide they will suck in and devour any make up which doesn't landslide off your face. Dewey finish my arse. It's sweat and make up combining to create a mini Pompeii right there on your face.

Uncomfortable? Ugly? Unpleasant to even imagine?

Now add suits, hose and heels to the hair and make up picture I've just painted.

I noticed a lot of women skip the hose.

Ladies, I understand. I really do. And most of you have tanned and toned legs which in any other outfit would be attractive. But in a business suit (usually pastel or brightly colored, rarely black or navy on natives, again, for good reason...but...) and heels you just look cheap and slutty. Sorry. You just do. So do I. So I wear hose. It's no coincidence hemlines didn't really edge to the knee or above until the advent of sheer pantyhose. Because women look cheap and slutty when they wear nice skirts or dresses with bare legs and heels.

And some of us, some of us who are really, really, really white, some of us who do not tan, some of us who suffer near third degree burns while wearing SPF 20 and hose, look really, really horrible in our bare legs. Extra in an Anne Rice adaptation horrible. Some of us were never meant to spend time in Florida. Some of us have DNA which requires us to stay above 50 degrees latitude for maximum efficiency. Some of us hate our jobs even more than we already did because we were required to go to Florida in June.

And for this I blame Ponce de Leon.

All of it. Miami, the Keys, Spring Break, tights, Aqua Net, Robert Palmer Girl Band hair, sunburn, all of it. It's all his fault.

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3:41 PM

 
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