Sheesh, eHarmony doesn't mess around. When they tell you they can't help you, they mean it. They mean it as in forever from that day forth, they want nothing to do with you. One strike and you are out. O-U-T out. 

How do I know this and why do I care?


A friend of my sister's was visiting for a few days. I went over for a girls' night thing. My sister's friend is divorced and hasn't had much luck meeting the sort of men with whom she wants to have a relationship. She's thinking about trying online dating to hone in on the "right" men. 

My sister said, "Trillian's done it! She knows all the sites! She can show you the ropes."


Yadda yadda yadda we were huddled around a computer looking at different online dating sites.


I haven't even thought about dating - much less dating sites - for at least three years. It brought back a lot of memories. The good, the bad and the ugly memories. 


My sister's friend liked the idea of eHarmony, or at least the idea eHarmony's marketing group presents in their advertising.


I removed my profiles (all of them, on every site) a long, long time ago. Years ago. I mean it when I say I put myself far up on the shelf. So far up on the shelf, for so long, that I'm enshrouded in a thick layer of dust and there are dust bunnies drifted up around me.


Oh. And. I never even had the opportunity to join eHarmony. I was deemed unmatchable. (Turns out they were right. Oh so very right.) 


Anyway. 


Back to present day. Me, my sister, her friend, looking at dating sites for my sister's friend. My sister told her friend about my eHarmony dis. Yadda yadda yadda we were all going to do the personality pre-screen. 

And just as yadda yadda yadda, I got this error prompt:
Seriously, eHarmony? Seriously? Seven years has passed since I attempted to turn over my love life and credit card to you. Seven years. An entire generation. People have joined up, met people, gone on dates, married, mated and divorced in that span of time. But, boy oh boy, once eHarmony doesn't deem you matchable, they close the door and lock the gate. So much for people growing and evolving. Apparently unmatchable truly means truly unmatchable. Forever, perpetuity, eternity. 


It's not that I really care because I'm certainly not interested in dating and no one's interested in dating me. But. I'm pretty sure eHarmony doesn't read this blog or have some freaky mind-tap ability. Their refusal to let me even enter the site after seven years is taking things to an extreme. It's like they're holding a stubborn grudge against me. 


Yes, sure, I could use a different email address and start from scratch. But I'm not interested in dating or using eHarmony so I'm apathetic. 


But still. Sheesh. Seven years and they won't even allow me to enter their site? 

I realize I'm a dating pariah. And an employment pariah. And a financial pariah. And a general social pariah. Believe me, I know these things about myself. I get it. And eHarmony played a role in my understanding. Their rebuff gave me a solid understanding that dating, and life in general, would not be as straight forward or easy for me as it seems to be for the average person. It was all spelled out in the personality profile eHarmony gave me as a consolation prize. They suggested that I use it to gain insight into myself. Insight into why I'm so undateable, so unmatchable that they wouldn't even take my credit card. 

And yes, yes, they deserve some integrity points for that. They didn't take my money because they knew darned well there wasn't a man within 500 miles that would be even remotely interested in me. And for that, on all the levels, I am grateful. The personality profile did help gain some valuable insight. And it was free. And put myself on the shelf and I haven't looked back. (And it this point even if I did look back it would be difficult to see through the think layer of dust.) 

But still, I've had seven years to digest what I learned from their personality profile. Seven years to learn and grow and evolve. Think maybe I deserve a second look, a second chance? Think they could give me a re-evaluation? A chance to re-assess me and see if I'm still the pariah they thought I was seven years ago? I mean, okay, yes, we know I'm worse.  Unemployed and homeless are not exactly attractive looks or things that people look for in a date. But eHarmony doesn't know I'm unemployed and can't pay my mortgage. Or do they?


Anyway. Funny as it was (is), it was a little embarrassing. I vowed to not allow it to rip open wounds that were healing nicely. So I took the mocking approach to the error prompt sentry they posted at the gate of their site. "Har har, when they say they can't find a man within 500 miles for me, they mean it! Har har." 


My sister's friend chimed in with insight from her dating research, all of it gained from women's magazines. 


"It's because you've never been married. Once you're over 30 you're statistically more dateable if you're divorced than if you've never been married."


Never mind that her statistics are based on a Cosmo survey. So much for not ripping open those wounds.

The reality is that this woman who is 12 years older than me, smokes a pack a day, is divorced with three children, barely has a high school diploma and sports a bad dye job has had a lot of dates and a few men who wanted relationships with her since her divorce four years ago. 

Whereas I, a never married non-smoker with no children and a few college degrees and hair that is a color that naturally sprouts from human heads, have not had any interaction with a male that wasn't work-related, a relative or the husband of a friend over that same four-year span. 


In a random poll of three single women over the age of 30, two divorced, one never married, the two divorced women had more dates than the never-married woman. 


But the never-married woman chose to stop trying to meet men. Or date them. Or marry one. 


So. That poll and the resulting data might be skewed. 

Or maybe not. My sister's friend was graciously welcomed onto the eHarmony site and promptly escorted to the personality profile questionnaire. She clicked her way through the many (many) questions and at the end guess what?! She passed the rigorous eHarmony screening exam! eHarmony feels confident they can find great matches for her! She was welcomed into the eHarmony community with open arms and a welcome tutorial video. 

I always kind of wondered what it was like on the other side of eHarmony's cyber velvet rope. It looks pretty nice in there. A place where a single gal out on the town can feel safe and meet quality certified eligible bachelors. Wow. eHarmony is different. My sister's friend joined up and is looking forward to mixing and mingling with the compatible fellas eHarmony has in store for her. After four years of dating since her divorce, she's anxious and ready to find a new special someone. 

She was sympathetic to me, "Awwww, gee, sorry Trill. It has to be because you've never been married. It's so unfair of them to make that kind of snap judgment." 

"Yeah, well, eHarmony is different from other dating sites. They have a reputation to uphold and all that. It's a smart marketing move. They're not rising unfavorable world of mouth reviews. If someone doesn't fit into a majority of matching dating factors, they're a risk, the cookie cutter method probably won't work. Why risk a loose cannon out there bad-mouthing them?"

My sister's friend reads a lot of self-empowerment books (recommended by women's magazines). Her knee-jerk response was, "But we're all unique and special, I don't fit into a cookie cutter standard..."


"eHarmony thinks you do." 


"We'll see who they find for me before we judge. Maybe one of my guys would like to meet you!"


Good grief. She was offering me her dating site rejects. This is truly a new low for me.


That got me thinking about my old plan of a dating site for eHarmony rejects. All the deviants, miscreants, mutts and never-married over 30s that society and eHarmony doesn't want can join and meet other social pariahs. Like an animal shelter for troubled or older, "less adoptable" pets with special needs. 

You know what I mean. You've seen the "special" section of the pet adoption sites. The "there are plenty of older animals with special needs who make loving pets. These animals need homes that can accommodate their special needs" area of pet adoption sites. The descriptions read like this: "Spike is a loyal and loving dog who loves attention and needs a home without children." "Fluffy doesn't let her deafness get in the way of her high-spirited antics. She's a playful cat who also likes long naps by the fire. She needs a home with a few extra safety precautions for a deaf animal." "Mittens is an older cat who knows what he likes and wants. He's looking for a forever home where he can age gracefully with companionship." The animals in the photos stare up at the camera with vacant eyes. Sometimes there's a glint, a last-ditch effort at sparkle eyes, but usually they look like the "befores" in those heart-wrenching ASPCA ads. They're not the fluffy, best-in-show animals showcased in pet food commercials. They're older, or they're missing parts of their ears from alley brawls, or they have bald patches in their coats, or they won't stop nipping at their own butts even long enough to take a photo. These animals have, um, "issues."


And the same can be said for eHarmony rejects. It's not about looks, necessarily, but the personality profile tells the full story if you can read between the lines. And eHarmony is very good at reading between the lines. So the eHarmony reject site profiles would read like this: "Mike is a loyal and loving guy who loves attention and needs a home without children." "Buffy doesn't let her deafness get in the way of her high-spirited antics. She's a playful gal who also likes long nights by the fire. She needs a home with a few extra safety precautions for a deaf person." "Mitzy is an older cat who knows what she likes and wants. She's looking for a forever home where she can age gracefully with companionship." 

The people in the photos could stare up at the camera with vacant eyes. A few of the more optimistic would be able to manage a glint, a last-ditch effort at sparkle eyes, but most would look like the "befores" in those heart-wrenching ASPCA ads. They're not the snazzy, best-in-show people showcased in perfume and jewelry commercials. They're older, or they're missing parts of their ears from alley brawls, or they have bald patches in their coats, or they won't stop nipping at their own butts even long enough to take a photo. These people have issues. Issues that eHarmony sussed out and held up as valid reasons not to take a chance at allowing them to enter the site. eHarmony not only doesn't want to risk failure and a bad reputation, they're playing a role in the social cleansing of the gene pool. Thank you, eHarmony, for not facilitating connections for people who are clearly not the sort of people we want going out and reproducing. 

Evolution, baby, evolution. Survival of the fittest. eHarmony has Christian roots, so I do find the irony of their very un-Jesus-like intolerance and their role in evolution really funny. 


The reason I never forged ahead with the eHarmony reject dating site plan is that there are already plenty of sites/services available for the eHarmony rejects. Match.com and it's eHarmony-esque sub-site, Chemistry.com will take anyone with a credit card or Pay-Pal account. PlentyOfFish is the Craig's list of dating sites, and the local personals section of most newspapers offers an outlet for the most undateable among us. And the thing about the personals section is that if a legit date doesn't transpire, there are always the ads for phone sex and "masseuses." 


Which is why I put myself up on the shelf. None of that is right for me. And no, I don't partake in phone sex or "massages." 


Anyway. Whatever. I don't care. And I like that I don't care. I strove for apathy and I attained it. I set an emotional goal and met it. What with LOST off the air I rarely even fantasize anymore. So I was a little annoyed that this whole eHarmony thing reared its ugly head because dating, men, relationships, companionship, romance, sex...those were the farthest things from my mind. And now, thanks to being blocked from even entering the site, banned and banished from eHarmony, the whole "why am I such a misfit" crap flared up.