Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.
Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.
Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)
Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)
Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains
Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away
Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains
A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right
Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains
Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero
Thursday, April 28, 2005
Someone always beats me to the punchline.
Bo Bice, you are clearly more on your game than I am. I salute you. Dude, man, you so rock. You have succeeded where others have failed. You have made a mockery of the American Idol franchise and for that I am forever in your debt. Debauched, deflowered, tarnished and otherwise scared the daylights out of a lot of pabulum fed public. Oh sure, your plan wasn't as good as mine, but then, you've been laying the groundwork for a while. It takes a lot of time and effort to get a multi-offence narcotics rap sheet. Nice work. Dude, man, the part where you had Smoking Gun "reveal" your narc sheet? Man that was genius. So awesome. When your gig ends you've got a great career in marketing ahead of you.
I'm sure you'll be the clear candidate endorsed by George W., and the South American Tourism Board and White Castle are going to want to get in on the sponsor gig.
The only problem is going to be Tipper Gore and the gang over at PMRC and moral majority. I hear there's a "Just Say No to Bo!" campaign in the works. Thing is, dude, they didn't bring down Prince and I'll bet you can get Dee Snyder and Alice Cooper to speak out for you. Man that would be so awesome.
And dude, man, I cannot wait for Weird Al night! You are so going to rule with What if God Smoked Cannabis. I'm really sorry I missed all of your perfomances. On '70s night did you do One Toke Over the Line? That would be a good cover for your first cd. Clapton's doing a lot of sell out endorsements these days, I bet he'd be down with a cover of Cocaine.Do you like Dylan? I bet he'd be in on a little Rainy Day Women cover action. You guys could do a duet. That would be awesome. And please, please, please tell me you did Hash Pipe on modern hits night.
The offers are going to pour in for double billed tours. Phish and Weezer will be keen on having you open for them, though I think you should hold out for opening act on the Green Day American Idiot tour. That would be so awesome, dude. Can you see the guys at FOX and 19 cringing over that?! Sweet.
Is there a meth lab in the basement of the Idol mansion? I was just in LA and I noticed tin foil on windows of a big house. I just assumed it was Robert Downey, Jr.'s place, but maybe it was the Idol mansion.
You know how Kelly and Justin made that cd promo movie? You could do that, too! A remake of Blow with you in the John Depp role seems like the perfect choice. Or, better still, Courtney Love could use a vehicle right now, what about a remake of Sid and Nancy? Introduce the joy of heroin and the ugly underbelly of the punk scene to a whole new group of kids! And the great thing about that is that Courtney could still be a sleazy drug addicted punk rock wannabe. Isn't it great how she never changes? A real role model for young girls. That's why this would be such a great movie and vehicle for you and recording career. Working title: From Bo to Courtney Hey, I just realized Bo rhymes with blow. That would be a great title for your first cd. Bo Blows. Bo Does Blow. Blow Bo. The possibilities are endless, and the double entendres just keep coming.
You better be ready for all those new products they're going to have to hastily add to the merchandising line. Since I can't be Universe Idol, I thought I'd at least help you out with some of your marketing needs. I put together a marketing team and we've been hard at work on the re-imaging of the Idol brand. We worked up a little art for you to use:
T-shirts are popular, here's a basic design:
And you probably want to get in on the "paraphernalia" (he he he he) market. We think these are going to be very popular. 9:22 PM
Tuesday, April 26, 2005 LA Woman Well, I just got into town about an hour ago Took a look around, see which way the wind blow Where the little girls in their Hollywood bungalows
Everyone else is doing it, why shouldn't I?
Why I Should Be the Next American Idol
By Tricia McMillian
I think I should be the next American Idol because I can't sing. I mean I really cannot sing. I couldn't carry a tune in a basket! Something happens to the notes on the way from my brain to my voice and they come out really off key and unpleasant.
But! That doesn't stop me from being passionate about music! In fact, it only fuels my burning fires of passion for music even more!
And I do have musical ability! I was first chair clarinet throughout my school years, I was in the orchestra, jazz and stage bands! I also played oboe and dabbled with saxophone! I was very woodwindy. If it has a reed I seem to be capable with it.
Okay, so, music isn't my life, because my life is my life. And I haven't picked up an instrument since school. But music is a huge part of my life. The soundtrack part. Which is a pretty big part of any show. Soundtracks get a bad rap, especially with the whole '80s soundtrack movies and subsequent teen music vehicle movies and shows like Dawson's Creek and The OC thing. I totally understand why soundtrack has a bad connotation. But most of us have a soundtrack to our lives. If a person doesn't have a soundtrack, even a few songs, I don't trust them. I once went out with a guy who claimed he didn't like music. Period. I believed him, I didn't try to change him or debate him, but the fact that he claimed to not like music, period, even if he was lying, was but one indication that he was not a) the guy for me and b) an altogether functioning human being.
I love, love LOVE, L-O-V-E music. I hear it all the time, even when there's no music actually playing I still have songs and tunes running through my head. All sorts of songs.
Which is one of the main reasons why I should be the next American Idol. Heck, I should be the Universe Idol.
You may be wondering why a person who admits she cannot carry a tune in a basket should feel she has a right to lay claim to the title Universe Idol.
Fair enough. Being passionate about music and being clever with a reeded instrument in school bands isn't really qualification enough. Just because Frank Sinatra managed to wiggle out a 50+ year career in music and all he ever did was talk and sing one word or two with heavy backing instrumentals doesn't mean anyone else can. I know. We won't get fooled again.
I should be Universe Idol because I know a ton of songs and because I know how the biz works and I know it's all marketing and hype and that musical talent has absolutely nothing to do with success in the biz.
I also have nothing but loathing, contempt and disdain for recording industry executives.
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking why would I want to involve myself in a business, a biz, for which I have nothing but loathing, contempt and disdain? You're thinking that Prince fellow has much the same outlook and incredible talent, he can sing and does things with a guitar no mortal should be able to do and has something to say yet still pens a swutting irresistibly naughty and guiltily stupid but lovable song AND he's proved he can do it on his own, his way, so really, based on my theory, shouldn't he be the Universe Idol? Isn't that pretty much undisputed?
Well yeah. There's Prince. Everyone always brings up Prince. I know. I'm not worthy to even walk in his shadow. All hail Prince. I agree.
But. He's an actual God.
Not a mere idol.
And that's the next reason why I should be Universe Idol.
Have you looked up the term idol lately?
Here, I'll do it for you:
1 : a representation or symbol of an object of worship; broadly : a false god 2 a : a likeness of something b obsolete : PRETENDER, IMPOSTOR 3 : a form or appearance visible but without substance 4 : an object of extreme devotion < a movie idol >; also : IDEAL 2 5 : a false conception : FALLACY
That's right! While not comfortable with the concept of false gods (unlike recording biz execs whose souls are contractually bound to Satan and therefore have no problem creating as many false gods as the public will buy), I am a likeness of something (I haven't figured out what, yet, but I am certain I am the likeness of something), and I DO pretend and am an impostor when it comes to actually being able to, you know, sing, I am a form and visable appearance completely without musical substance, okay the extreme devotion thing might be an issue, but if Britney Spears can do it certainly I should be able to find a place, ideal? well, I have ideals, so that should count for something, and finally, false conception, a fallacy. My singing ability is indeed a fallacy. Just like Britney Spears.
I often wonder if anyone who watches Pop Idol, American Idol, World Idol understands what the word idol means. I suspect they haven't bothered to look it up. I suspect they aren't old enough to have studied for their college entrance exams, or they probably didn't score well in the verbal part of their exams if they are old enough.
Words are important. Language is important. Communication is key. You might want to be sure you fully understand the meaning of the words and terms you bandy about.
Because you can be certain the producers and lawyers have done their homework.
They are very, very aware of the ironic joke they're playing and laughing all the way to the bank. When anyone questions the talent, quality and substance of the show and the sickly sweet pabulum (insipid, simplistic, or bland) it generates, the producers are quick to say, "We're just giving the public what it wants." with a smug, self satisfied shrug of shoulders. Their lawyers then whip out the gazillion paged document outlining the responsibilities of the show, wherein the term idol is clearly defined. They'll even insert the synonyms to prove they are right and the viewing public is stupid: American False God, American Pretender, American Impostor, American Appearance Without Substance, American Ideal.
American Fallacy.
"See?" They'll smarmily say, "We never said we were going to give you talent or anything real or in fact any substance whatsoever!"
(I love the UK versions of those, especially Pop Imposter. So succinct. So double entendre. So funny.)
Right. So. Now that we're all clear on the meaning of the title Universe Idol, it's making more sense someone like me, someone who couldn't sing in tune to save her life, but who loves to sing anyway, who loves music and has a broad, broad knowledge of music, someone who hates the recording biz and the people in it and, probably most importantly, someone with a background in marketing. Speaking of impostors and fallacy. Wouldn't it be great if the Universe Idol was so false they beat the biz guys (and they are all guys, dirty old men in any other walk of life) at their own game?
Yeah. That victory would be sweet.
Right now some of you who know about these things are thinking, "Uh, Trill, this has been done. Last year there was this guy, William Hung, who was really bad and people loved him and he's got a recording gig and a tour and everything."
Ah yes. Mr. Hung.
I applaud him. And good luck to him. But. He's got a gimmick. He's cute. He's trying really hard. He's an everydork. He's the voice inside us that says "c'mon, give it a go, the worst that will happen is you'll make someone laugh." He's got that smarmy "I believe in myself and so all things are possible" attitude. Let's face it, the guy is likable. He's likable because he's too bad to be anything other than sincere.
I'm not.
I'm cheeky. I'm irreverant. I'm sarcastic. There is very little I take seriously. Yeah, I'm jaded. So I'm ahead of the game. We can skip the whole falling out with the record company over artistic differences bit and go straight to the long hiatus while the contract runs down. I know a lot about marketing. I have a plan. I have ulterior motives. And I want to do this for the sole purpose of sticking it to a bunch of dirty old men taking advantage of not only young hopefuls, but of the consuming public. (Okay, so yeah, I am sincere in that aspect. But it's an insincere sincerity.)
The really great part about this adventure is that I will have a chance to expose the apparently so pabulum fed they don't know any better public to some really great songs.
If I botch them so badly the original artists will rush to their programing buyers to get their originals on air so that people will understand these songs are actually really good, they were just performed really badly. (You can thank me later.)
And there's the subversively genius part of my diabolical plan. (bwa ha ha implied)
This is all about getting better music in the psyche of the population. Better living through better music. People are a mess partially because they've got really bad music being forced into their subconscious. Television advertising and the worst enemy: Music piped into public spaces. I happen to pay attention to piped in music in public spaces. You should, too. There's an entire industry based on music played in public places. There are researchers, psychologists, sociologists and recording company execs who study music patterns and how people react not only to certain tempos, but certain songs. Certain songs can actually plant seeds for needs, like, more pizza rolls, for instance. This is good for merchants and good for recording companies. You're humming along to the latest churned out fodder, you're buying pizza rolls, everybody wins except the consumer whose mind was messed with and came home earwormed with a song they hate and with pizza rolls they didn't really want. And to be fair, it's not just the churned out current fodder. Next time you're shopping pay attention to what you hear. You will probably discover at some point you will hear a song you actually like, maybe an older song, maybe something that reminds you of high school. And pizza rolls. The song makes you happy. Pizza rolls make you happy. You buy the pizza rolls, go home, go online, and lookee there! That song from high school is on a compilation cd due out next week! And look at all those other great songs on there! And there's going to be a reunion tour! Sweet!
This is not a coincidence.
Nothing in the Universe is random. Got it? Good.
Learn to live by that rule and you will have a long and prosperous career in marketing.
My plan is to foil the evil music empire by playing their own game. The above mentioned plan should get better music in the psyche of the Universe and maybe, well, who knows. Maybe better things will happen.
Hear me now, believe me later: Get some decent music in peoples' heads and things will get better.
And once I am crowned Universe Idol, I will disappear. Never to be heard from again.
And that is the best reason why I should be Universe Idol.
Perhaps the rest of the gang will watch and learn from me and the Universe will finally be rid of this evil empire threatening our very way of life.
Mr. Mojo Risin'
Well, I just got into town about an hour ago Took a look around, see which way the wind blow Where the little girls in their Hollywood bungalows
Are you a lucky little lady in the City of Light Or just another lost angel...City of Night City of Night, City of Night, City of Night, woo, c'mon
L.A. Woman, L.A. Woman L.A. Woman Sunday afternoon L.A. Woman Sunday afternoon L.A. Woman Sunday afternoon Drive thru your suburbs Into your blues, into your blues, yeah Into your blue-blue Blues Into your blues, ohh, yeah
I see your hair is burnin' Hills are filled with fire If they say I never loved you You know they are a liar Drivin' down your freeways Midnite alleys roam Cops in cars, the topless bars Never saw a woman... So alone, so alone So alone, so alone
Motel Money Murder Madness Let's change the mood from glad to sadness
Mr. Mojo Risin', Mr. Mojo Risin' Mr. Mojo Risin', Mr. Mojo Risin' Got to keep on risin' Mr. Mojo Risin', Mr. Mojo Risin' Mojo Risin', gotta Mojo Risin' Mr. Mojo Risin', gotta keep on risin' Risin', risin' Gone risin', risin' I'm gone risin', risin' I gotta risin', risin' Well, risin', risin' I gotta, wooo, yeah, risin' Woah, ohh yeah
Well, I just got into town about an hour ago Took a look around, see which way the wind blow Where the little girls in their Hollywood bungalows
Are you a lucky little lady in the City of Light Or just another lost angel...City of Night City of Night, City of Night, City of Night, woah, c'mon
L.A. Woman, L.A. Woman L.A. Woman, your my woman Little L.A. Woman, Little L.A. Woman L.A. L.A. Woman Woman L.A. Woman c'mon 8:49 PM
Monday, April 25, 2005
Here's a sentence I didn't think I'd ever say:
"So I was watching Star Wars yesterday..."
I worked Saturday. I drank Saturday night. I was in a bad mood Sunday. A funkier funk than normal. I was laid out on the couch. It came on, the cat was in my lap, and this is how these things happen. And so it was that I spent my one free afternoon of the weekend - my time off - tired, cranky, sock mouthed and watching Star Wars.
Maybe my mental state had something to do with my opinion of the movie. Maybe I just don't get it. So spare me the email. Don't try to convince me it's the best movie ever.
A) Luke Skywalker: Jerk.
B) Princess Leia: Typical "ooh ooh I'm woman hear me roar but oooh oooh a snakelike thing oooh help help save me save me, I'll come onto any guy I'm with, lead or otherwise, if it'll get me a part in the sequel" female sidekick/love interest. Though who can blame her in the case of Harrison Ford.
C) Harrison Ford: Hubba hubba. Hubba hubba hubba. Oh my. Hubba hubba. Sardonic smile, check. Sexy swagger, check. Trillian salivating and falling off the couch, check.
D) R2D2 and C3P0: Annoying and useless apart from George Lucas' pandering for "oooh ahh look, robots" attention.
E) Chewbacca: Who knew George Lucas read the Weekly World News? Apparently he's big on Big Foot. Or a Harry and the Hendersons fan. Annoying.
F) Yoda: Fozzy Bear without the humor. Though I will say this: Dobby in the Harry Potter series, whom I find equally annoying, is a total Yoda rip-off.
G) Darth Vader: Hot. I mean literally. He must be hot in that get-up.
H) Billy Dee Williams: Why?
I) Storm Troopers: Dumb plastic men.
J) Jabba the Hutt: Another stupid grab at the special effects Oscar.
Oh yeah. Obi Wan. Whatever. I'm not big on spectral visions who dole out sage advice but never really get in there and do anything. I could do that. The WWJD implication is too forced and too overused. That voice in my head thing is too forced and overused. Ben, you want to help the boy? Tell him to join a boy band and leave the bravado and integrity to Harrison Ford. Oh. And clue him in about Leia, would you? The kiss on the lips thing was really uncomfortable for everyone. It made Luke look gay, Leia look condescending and Harrison look like a loser. Harrison is not a loser. Even if he was frozen in carbonite.
A bunch of other characters who bring nothing to the movie or the plot. Pointless except for giving ample opportunity for re-writes and story modifications when needed later in the series and rounding out the ranks of re-enactors at conventions. There are always people who like to be obscure bit players claiming to actually be an integral and key role in the movie. (Simpson's Comic Book Guy voice implied)
So apart from Harrison Ford, an entirely stupid waste of an afternoon.
No offense Star Wars, um, "fans." Everyone needs a hobby.
But wow.
What a really bad movie.
I know, I know, the special effects, the ground breaking technical achievements. The story which never seems to end.
Whatever.
It's a stupid movie.
Still. Harrison Ford.
That's what's got me pondering.
Harrison Ford was enough to keep me in front of the television. Okay, Harrison Ford and a Wookiee sized hangover, but still. He's a draw. He's the reason I have seen Indiana Jones more times than a sane, intelligent person should view it. And I have a female friend who openly admits to having a thing for Mark Hamill. Don't ask, I don't get it either, but there are women who find him to be salivation worthy. These are usually the same women who find boys in boy bands "cute." So Mark Hamill: Boy band cute. No Harrison Ford, mind you. And Billy Dee Williams is not exactly lacking in sex appeal. Even though I cannot figure out why he was cast in that role, and the fact that I was distracted enough to be thinking, "Why'd they cast him in that role..." speaks to the weak plot of the movie, he's got a certain something certain women find very appealing. (In guy speak that translates to, "I'd do him.") And there are a bunch of guys in Star Trek rip-off costumes (I don't care what they're called, don't write to tell me) who are not lacking in the looks department. These are the same guys who play Nazis in movies like Das Boot. (Which is a good movie.) I'm not saying I find Nazis attractive. I'm not pro Nazi. I'm saying there's a look, a certain kind of guy who is always cast in that sort of role. They're supposed to blend into the background. They're filler. But they're usually pretty okay looking. (In guy speak that translates to, "I'd do him.")
There is one woman in the movie. One. Leia. And I like Carrie Fisher. Postcards from the Edge is very good. But. There's one woman in the entire movie. One woman. One not exactly Angelina Jolie woman. Oh wait, the Aunt Bea person. Again, not exactly teaming with the hottie factor.
Right. So. We have Carrie Fisher and a bunch of okay looking men.
And yet Star Wars fans are primarily men. I realize it's all about the battles and cool spacecraft and wild characters, after all, the name of the movie is Star Wars. You know how us chicks are, all weak and passive and everything. We don't like to get dirty or go to war.
I like a rollicking round of Space Invaders as much as the next person. Okay, maybe more than the next person. And I like science fiction. And I like science fact. And I love a good special effect. And you won't see me protest a good looking guy. So you'd think I would love Star Wars.
But I don't.
Maybe it was the hangover or the fact that Harrison Ford wasn't in the scene, but the whole Luke playing in the swamp with Yoda and R2D2 was snore inducing. Yoda in sentence misstructured, speaking, is really annoying and thin, wears. Who wants to work that hard at keeping up with dialog? Subtitles the guy, give. Overwith, get it. Ship lift already. Harrison Ford now, bring.
It was at that point when I thought, "okay, enough, comfy as I am I cannot watch any more of this."
And of course, sensing female dismay at the plot, they are, there's a break to Harrison Ford and Leia. A rather innocent yet fraught with innuendo and overtones and undercurrent scene which is enough to keep women in their seats.
But what about the men?
That got me thinking. I know men like to fancy themselves as Harrison Ford types, and some men fancy Leia types. But why would a guy like this scene? Why would a guy like this movie?
And then, like a vision, a message from Obi Wan himself, I thought, "Think about the average Star Wars fan. He hasn't had a date with a woman since...well...maybe ever."
And then I thought, "That's a cliché, Obi Wan. A lot of normal guys like Star Wars."
"Ah, young grasshopper, I mean Jedi, is too lenient and open minded about Star Wars fans. Did young Jedi not go out with a closet Storm Trooper re-enactor? And was it not one of the most miserable experiences of her life? Was he not odd in a bad way? Was he not completely inept at conversation and human interaction? Did he not beg young Jedi to fashion her hair in braids?"
"Well, yeah, but, I mean, there were other factors. I don't blame his lack of personality on Star Wars..."
"Silence! Young grasshopper, erm, Jedi, was given a chance to learn a lesson! She must learn, accept, evolve and move on! Star Wars fans are a breed apart from other people. There is no place for female interaction in their lives! Look! Look at this movie! The facts are right there in front of young Jedi! There's one woman in this movie! One! And she's no Angelina Jolie if you know what I mean! There are a bunch of hot guys and one woman! Good for her, bad for them! What man in his sexually mature mind would want to join this Empire?"
"You're right, Obi Wan, master, of course. You know all. Forgive my insolence. I will never date another Star Wars fan. I know it will hurt and offend some people. Maybe even people I care about. But I will no longer cut slack to people, men, who stand in long lines for tickets to Star Wars movies or go to Star Wars conventions. The ways of the Jedi dater are clear to me now."
