Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.

Otherwise, hello, and welcome.
Mail Trillian here<





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Women, The Internet and You: Tips for Men Who Use Online Dating Sites
Part I, Your Profile and Email

Part II, Selecting a Potential Date

Part III, Your First Date!

Part IV, After the First Date. Now What?


"50 First Dates"






Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.

Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Find Federal Officials
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or Search by State

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or Search by State

Contact The Media
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Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)

Quasar
Hyperbole
Amenable
Taciturn
Ennui
Prophetic
Tawdry
Hubris
Ethereal
Syzygy
Umbrageous
Twerp
Sluice
Omnipotent
Sanctuary
Malevolent
Maelstrom
Luddite
Subterfuge
Akimbo
Hoosegow
Dodecahedron
Visceral
Soupçon
Truculent
Vitriol
Mercurial
Kerfuffle
Sangfroid




























 







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Highlights from the Archives. Some favorite Trillian moments.

Void, Of Course: Eliminating Expectations and Emotions for a Better Way of Life

200i: iPodyssey

Macs Are from Venus, Windows is from Mars Can a relationship survive across platform barriers?
Jerking Off

Get A Job

Office Church Ladies: A Fieldguide

'Cause I'm a Blonde

True? Honestly? I think not.

A Good Day AND Funyuns?

The Easter Boy

Relationship in the Dumpster

Wedding Dress 4 Sale, Never Worn

Got Friends? Are You Sure? Take This Test

What About Class? Take This Test

A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away, There Was a Really Bad Movie

May Your Alchemical Process be Complete. Rob Roy Recipe

Good Thing She's Not in a Good Mood Very Often (We Knew it Wouldn't Last)

What Do I Have to Do to Put You in this Car Today?

Of Mice and Me (Killer Cat Strikes in Local Woman's Apartment)

Trillian: The Musical (The Holiday Special)

LA Woman (I Love (Hate) LA)

It is my Cultureth
...and it would suit-eth me kindly to speak-eth in such mannered tongue

Slanglish

It's a Little Bit Me, It's a Little Bit You
Blogging a Legacy for Future Generations


Parents Visiting? Use Trillian's Mantra!

Ghosts of Christmas Past: Mod Hair Ken

Caught Blogging by Mom, Boss or Other

2003 Holiday Sho-Lo/Mullet Awards

Crullers, The Beer Store and Other Saintly Places

Come on Out of that Doghouse! It's a Sunshine Day!

"...I had no idea our CEO is actually Paula Abdul in disguise."

Lap Dance of the Cripple

Of Muppets and American Idols
"I said happier place, not crappier place!"

Finally Off Crutches, Trillian is Emancipated

Payless? Trillian? Shoe Confessions

Reality Wednesday: Extremely Local Pub

Reality Wednesday: Backstage Staging Zone (The Sweater Blog)

The Night Secret Agent Man Shot My Dad

To Dream the Impossible Dream: The Office Karaoke Party

Trillian Flies Economy Class (Prisoner, Cell Block H)

Trillian Visits the Village of the Damned, Takes Drugs, Becomes Delusional and Blogs Her Brains Out

Trillian's Parents are Powerless

Striptease for Spiders: A PETA Charity Event (People for the Ethical Treatment of Arachnids)

What's Up with Trillian and the Richard Branson Worship?

"Screw the French and their politics, give me their cheese!"


















 
Mail Trillian here





Trillian's Guide to the Galaxy gives 5 stars to these places in the Universe:
So much more than fun with fonts, this is a daily dose of visual poetry set against a backdrop of historical trivia. (C'mon, how can you not love a site that notes Wolfman Jack's birthday?!)

CellStories

Alliance for the Great Lakes


Hot, so cool, so cool we're hot.

Ig Nobel Awards

And you think YOU have the worst bridesmaid dress?

Coolest Jewelry in the Universe here (trust Trillian, she knows)

Red Tango

If your boss is an idiot, click here.

Evil Cat Full of Loathing.

Wildlife Works

Detroit Cobras


The Beachwood Reporter is better than not all, but most sex.



Hey! Why not check out some great art and illustration while you're here? Please? It won't hurt and it's free.

Shag

Kii Arens

Tim Biskup

Jeff Soto

Jotto




Get Fuzzy Now!
If you're not getting fuzzy, you should be. All hail Darby Conley. Yes, he's part of the Syndicate. But he's cool.





Who or what is HWNMNBS: (He Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken) Trillian's ex-fiancé. "Issues? What issues?"







Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.


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Reading blogs at work? Click to escape to a suitable site!

Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains





























Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero

 
Thursday, November 09, 2006  
Dear Ty Pennington,
I am writing because I’d like to be considered as an Extreme Makeover: Home Edition recipient.

I'll be totally honest right up front: I don’t fit the usual formula for your recipients. I don’t have a dead husband or a child with an odd and probably terminal disease. I haven’t lost my job and I don’t feed needy people from my kitchen.

Oh. And. I don't own a home. Not even a broken down home with a leaky roof and plastic wrap covering the broken windows and outdoor plumbing and toxic mold growing on the floors.

But. I am single and struggling on one income and I have a terminally ill cat who requires expensive tests and medications every month. I notice you tend to select people who give back to their communities, and I do volunteer within my community! Okay, sure, it’s mainly with the animal community, but I work with childrens’ charities, too and since fate has seen to it that I don't have a husband or children of my own, one day I’d like to be a foster parent and help children and teenagers.

But right now that plan seems impossible, Ty. Some days I can’t even focus on that hope. Even before my cat was diagnosed with cancer I was struggling to keep a roof over our heads and food in the kitty dish. I always put the needs of my family and animals before my own and I'm happy to that! But it puts a strain on my budget! Even though I work a full time job and two part time jobs, I have to go without a lot of the things most people take for granted like a car and three meals a day and health care and a home. Even though I volunteer when I can and help with foster care activities and the kids seem to like me, the foster care social workers aren’t too eager to talk to people who don’t own cars or have adequate space to house a child.

So I was waiting in the animal clinic emergency room the other night and your show was on and I thought, "they tear down the houses and start from scratch anyway, why do the people on this show even have to own a home in the first place?" And then I thought, "people who rent are the ones who really need a home of their own, Ty could really help out a lot of people by giving renters a home of their own." I know, I know, renters are pathetic losers like the comic book store guy on The Simpson's. I know, Ty, I know. But maybe you could give me a call and we could talk and maybe you'll see we're not all like that and maybe even if it's not me, you'll consider helping someone else who isn't a pathetic loser but rents because all their money goes to rent, and they don't get that nifty tax deduction because they don't own a home, so they're taxed at a high rate and can't save money for a down payment on a mortgage. If you could just stop this cycle of tax insanity for one employed middle income person this plea will have been worth the blow to my dignity I took by writing this letter and groveling to you for help.

Dr. Phil and Oprah! say we have to believe in ourselves! The religious people say we have to be positive and trust and have faith in ourselves! Men say confidence is sexy! I never thought any of those things were issues for me because I've always believed in my ability to be a kind and decent person, I believe in my intellectual abilities and talents and character strengths that ended up in my DNA and I have confidence in those strengths, unwavering confidence, belief and trust in those things and worked hard on making my weaknesses and inabilities, put a positive happy spin on my challenges and saw them as learning and growth opportunities! Always about growing and learning and trying to be a better person! Always room for improvement even though you have confidence and believe in yourself! But Dr. Phil and Oprah and religious people and men keep saying these things and telling me it's all my fault so I think maybe I need to work harder! So I am! I believe, oh Ty, I believe anything is possible! If I can dream it, I can do it! And I'm dreaming of owning a home! I believe in that dream! I'm positive and confident that I can be a good homeowner! Oh sure, I was pretty darned confident I'd have a successful career and strong marriage and then I'd be a homeowner, and even though I've tried really hard and that hasn't happened I believe! I'm positive! I'm not a victim! I'm responsible for me! I believe my positive confidence will make you want to give me a home!

I notice you really like a good tear jerking story of someone who has had one tragedy after another heaped on them. Even if you don't help me, you and your merry band of really caring and empathetic cry on demand interior designers will probably have a good time hearing about my plight over the past few years. I hope you've got a lot of Kleenex® brand tissues ready in your RV office! It's so cool you all travel around together in a fancy RV like a rolling League of Justice! You're like super heroes on a cross country rock and roll tour in your League of Justice-mobile!

Here goes: After my fiance dumped me things started to go real bad for me. I had a job I kind of liked but shortly after the break-up things started changing at work, new management, re-training and a lot of stress with a new boss. But I keep hanging in there, baby! I know where the door is, after all, and as my boss reminds me, it's as easy as walking out that door and never coming back, so when things get stressful and difficult I just keep that happy thought in mind and I feel a lot better. I’ve been mugged three times, I suffered a broken leg, whiplash and concussion in one of the muggings, and was severely beaten in another. My leg and ankle only hurt when it rains or snows and sometimes when it's humid it swells up and that's kind of uncomfortable but hey! it could have been worse, at least I didn't get stabbed during the last mugging, the guy ran off scared before he used his knife on me. Whew! That was close! I'm so grateful for not being stabbed! After the last attack and mugging, which happened the day I returned home from taking care of my mother who suffered a major health emergency and almost died while she and my father were on vacation, by the way, I decided I had to move because my neighborhood was crime ridden and I took a stand and chose to remove myself from the problem and no longer be a victim. Dr. Phil and Oprah! say we can choose to not be victims so I made that choice and made that change! That’s worked out pretty good for me except in order to move to a better neighborhood I had to move to a much smaller place. My cat and I are now compartmentalized into two rooms and a bathroom. I feel bad about this, not so much for me, but my cat used to have a lot of space to run and play, and even as sick as he is he still loves to run and play. But now he doesn’t have much space to run and play. Living in a small space came in handy when I was in a car accident, hoooo boy, that was something, I was confident and trusting and went on a date and got into a car accident! Nothing serious, just a few cracked ribs and some scratches from shattered glass but hey! At least the scar is below my eye and not in it! And my friends tell me in the right light with enough make-up you can hardly tell there's a scar there at all! Never saw the guy again except in court for the drunk driving arraignment where I had to be a witness. That was interesting! And that smaller compartment came in handy when I wasn't feeling very well after the accident, just a few steps to the bathroom, just a few steps to feed the cat... really so much better than having to walk all over a spacious home to do those things. See?! We adjusted and got by, but then my cat was diagnosed with cancer and the bills started accumulating. I had my identity stolen in one of the muggings and every now and then I have some issues pop up with that, darnedest thing, they just can't quite seem to catch the person who has my old information. That silly Secretary of State department sure is funny, hoooo boy, they are such a goofy bunch, a woman walked right into their office and said she was me and had my old drivers' license from my old address and said she got mugged and didn't have her new ID could she please have a replacement license with her new address and guess what those crazy goofballs at the Secretary of State office did? Those nuts, they gave her a new license with my new address and old photo on it! They have my photo on file from when I replaced my stolen ID and I guess this woman must look exactly like me because they just handed her a new license with my new information and guess what?! She got two credit cards in my name and spent two days shopping! And then I got the bills! OMG it was soooooo funny! All those precautions I took and registrations I made with the identity theft hotline and credit agencies which are set up to protect identity theft victims have some flaws! But I choose not to be a victim! Dr. Phil says if bad things happen it's really all my fault and I need to reassess what I've done wrong, how I've been stupid and allowed these things to happen to me! I just ♥ Dr. Phil, don't you, Ty?! He's the best. Oprah! and Dr. Phil and Ty Pennington. My real life heroes, helping people help themselves. Super hero guardian angels right there on television every week helping us help ourselves.

Ready to start crying again? I have some health issues which I am not treating because I have to choose between paying for my cat’s healthcare and paying for my healthcare. Even though his is expensive, mine’s more expensive and my company’s health insurance policy doesn’t cover my medications or some of the tests I need to have done. There are a few programs for uninsured employed people, but, ha ha ha, this is so funny, I have a health insurance policy, or the option of having one through my job, so I don't qualify for uninsured healthcare plans! Even though the insurance policy I'm offered doesn't cover any healthcare issues, you know things the insurance company thinks we don't really need, the silly insignificant wastes of time and money like mammograms and asthma inhalers and dental care and glaucoma tests! Who needs those?! They just raise insurance premiums, so by not covering those services our premiums are lower! Lucky us! I am so lucky and privileged to have the option of health insurance as a benefit of my employment! I believe, oh Ty, I believe in employee sponsored health care! The system works so well and I'm so lucky! So what if it doesn't cover my health needs?! No big deal! I'm a positive and confident person! I feel okay most of the time, and when I don’t I'm so confident it's nothing serious that I just focus on enjoying whatever time I have left with my cat and that makes me feel better.

But here's something which is really a challenge for me. I can no longer afford to stay in our compartment so I’m hoping to move into a one room compartment in December. There’s one available and if no one snatches it up by December I can have it at a discounted rent. See? Miracles do happen! An even smaller less expensive compartment might be available! It's a miracle! I believe, oh Lord, I believe all the way! My cat and I will have even less space in the new place - we’ll be living in a room about the size of a nice college dorm. Oh sure, this could be really upsetting because it’s a huge backwards step but hey! I’ve still got my job and my cat isn’t feeling pain so that’s all that matters. And I am choosing to not be a victim! I'm taking responsibility for my life just like Dr. Phil says, because apparently I was irresponsible in the past and that's why this stuff happened to me! But no more! It's all about positive attitude! Positive! Positive! Positive! Turn that frown upside down and smile, smile, smile, that's what I say and do! Just add exclamation marks to the end of every sentence! See how that works miracles for your attitude?! I've learned to end every thought with an exclamation mark and wow! has that been a morale lifter! Sometimes! I don't even wait for the end of a thought and add them! right in the middle of thoughts! I notice you talk in exclamation marks! so you know what I mean! It really keeps my attitude peppy and adds a dimension of confidence, too! It's takes guts and courage to think in exclamation marks because sometimes thoughts don't seem like they can handle an exclamation mark. But I bravely face that doubt and add one! I'm so confident and more importantly, I believe! I believe in me! I believe in the power of positive! thinking!

And just one day at a time, we just take life one day at a time, Ty.

So I’m going to have some design challenges and I would love your help! You have all those really creative ideas and I just know you could give me some great suggestions for making my one room home a peaceful oasis where my cat and I can comfortably enjoy ourselves. A place where I can relax and reflect upon all the blessings which I’ve learned to count while dealing with one crisis after another and the joy that comes from being positive, positive, positive! Positivity! Amen, brother, amen!

I don’t want to sound greedy, because really I’d just be super happy! to have one of those couches that pull out into a bed and some sort of dresser/dining table combo unit, and maybe a bookshelf from IKEA. Really. That'd make me super hap hap happy because I'm going to need some clever space saving multi-function furniture in my new one room home. I know it's all about being clever and creative and you're the guy who can help! So I'm not being greedy. Really. I'd be super excited about one of those neato couch/bed things. But I notice on your show the local mortgage company often donates the money for the mortgage payments. So I was thinking it doesn’t really matter that I don’t actually own a home. Us renters have the American dream of owning a home. But we’re caught in a trap, Ty, we can’t pull out. I know, I know, don't be a victim! Be responsible! But going to work every day and paying taxes is responsible. Some of us could use just a little help, just a small tax break or a low interest, low down payment mortgage. It makes us sad that we can't afford a home, especially when we hear our married colleagues and friends talking about how low their mortgage payments are, even lower than our rent payments. When us renters ask homeowners how they saved for their down payment they say, "We lived on my salary and put all my spouse's salary in a high interest earning CD and within a year we had almost enough to pay for half the house!" us renters just count our blessings to get in a good positive frame of mind because we don't have a spouse so that plan won't work for us. This is when we need to be confident and positive and believe and focus on all the blessings in our lives like not having to worry about fixing a leaky roof because we rent and that's the landlord's problem not ours! Funny how the rent increases after a problem like that, though...huh.. I wonder if there's a connection. Naah, be positive! Be responsible! Don't be a victim!

Renting's lots of fun, but sometimes there are down sides, especially when social workers from foster care facilities find out we don’t own a home and tell us we’re not fit to help a child because we rent. Renters have big hearts and want to help kids, too! And animals! Let's not forget our four legged friends! I've noticed kids with physical and emotional challenges respond really well to animals. I think it's because they know the animals aren't judging them. Dr. Phil would tell them to find that confidence within themselves and not pin the responsibility on the animal, and he's right! Of course he's right! But, since a lot of animals are abused and neglected I'd like to be able to give them a home where they can be safe and cared for, and since they'd be there anyway, kids who could spend foster time with me could enjoy the animals, too!

Oh! And! You’re a designer so you’ll understand this! I haven’t had a place to create art and design projects in a really long time. I could use, oh, I don’t know, a corner, a nook, some space somewhere where I can devote some time to art and expressing myself creatively. Ideally I’d like a space big enough to share with children, show them how to tap into their creative side and express themselves through art. It could be multi-function space, a place where I can study and work on school projects, too, because someday, someday, Ty, someday when things are better, I want to get a degree in art therapy so I can help kids with physical and emotional challenges express themselves and gain confidence and even physical coordination skills through art. Did you know holding a paint brush and focusing on different types of strokes is good physical therapy for stroke victims? Of course you knew that, you're a designer, and an artist and a really sensitive to the needs of others guy! I have this idea, I've tried it out a little bit already, I have this idea to have a program called Strokes for Strokes where people who've had strokes can come and I'll help them paint and they can develop coordination skills while doing something fun and visually stimulating, too. Do you like that name? Do you think it's clever? I thought of it all by myself! It just came to me one day when I was helping my mother learn to use her hand again, just like that! Poof! Strokes for Strokes! Unfortunately helping out and volunteering for stuff like that requires permits and paperwork and they want people to have qualified training and education, really advanced education, before they'll grant permits to people who want to volunteer with those kinds of programs. Goofy, huh? I mean, I guess kids with handicaps and emotional challenges and people who've had strokes get loads of attention and help, people must be dying to give up their free time to help them so of course they should be picky about volunteers who want to give their time and skills to help at supervised juvenile care centers and rehab hospitals. So I want to go back to school, again, and get a therapy degree because my art degrees aren't enough to qualify me to set up a volunteer program like this. But until I get settled in my new smaller place and figure out how to cleverly use one room for my living room, bedroom, dining room, studio and study room, and pay for my cat's health care, and get a few of my health issues resolved I can't do any of these things! Help, Ty, help! I think you might be the guy to come up with a way to turn a one room studio compartment into a spacious live/work/study oasis!

Or, I was thinking maybe one of the nice altruistic ungreedy condo developers here in the city would donate a condo to us because that would be really good advertising and good will karma for them. I would love to see you tell a CTA bus driver to “Move. That. Bus!” in front of one of the many condo or gentrification developments here in Chicago. That would be so cool, wouldn’t it, Ty? Even I would sit through the show to see that!

Usually there is a whole community of people who come together to help you guys do the big home makeover. I have some friends who would help because I’ve helped them a lot over the years, but many of them no longer live in Chicago so you might have to fly a few people in to help. My dad’s pretty handy with a drill and a saw and my mother is good at supervising so they’d probably help, too. The people at my cat’s doctor’s office are really nice, they’d probably help and maybe you could offer some help for them, it’s a nice office but the kennel area where the animals rest after surgery could use a little more space and comfier kennels where cats and dogs could be separated because right now they have to share the recovery room and sometimes the barking dogs upset the cats and the meowing cats make the dogs growl. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr! My coworkers don’t like me but they all love reality TV and many of them have auditioned to be on reality shows so I think loads of them would love to help you even though they don’t like me.

And you know what else, Ty? I notice you send the family away on a vacation while you build their house. I could really, really use a vacation. I used to love to travel. Travel was my thing. It was a big part of my identity. Travelin' gal, that was me. Old Itchy Feet, they used to call me. I like to travel and learn about different places and cultures and be inspired by all the visual and intellectual stimulation you get when you travel someplace new. But since the break-up I haven't been able to travel, one thing and then another, what with my broken leg and other health problems and then mother's health problems and deaths in the family and friends who've needed me to lend emotional support during their crises and now taking care of a sick animal, I've used my vacation days to handle everything other than actual vacation. But not a big deal because I haven't had the time or money for a vacation. Oh, I'm not complaining! I wouldn't trade being with my family and friends when they need me for any vacation anywhere. And I'm lucky to have vacation days to use sitting in doctors' offices because otherwise I'd have to take time off without pay and then pay doctors! That would be doubly difficult, so I'm lucky! I count that blessing double! But, I've hit a point where I could really use a real vacation to re-charge my batteries. Even if you can't do anything for my new one room home or hook me up with a condo or house, maybe you could just let me go on vacation with one of the families you do select. I'll stay out of the way and even baby sit the kids while the parents go do some parents on vacation stuff. Anywhere that's not work or a hospital or veterinary office or doctors' office is a big vacation for me!

Or maybe the next time one of those sponsors of your show offers new computers for product placement advertising you could get 'em to throw in an extra one for me. I'm having some issues with my computer so maybe if there's an extra one, I mean, maybe instead of every kid in the family getting their own computer the three-year-old twins could share one and you could send one my way. Not that I want to take a computer out of the hands of a three-year-old, I'm just thinking it's good to have kids share sometimes, helps build teamwork and conflict resolution skills so really it'd be doing them and me a favor so you'd be a double super swell guy super hero designer guy! How cool would that be? That would be super double League of Justice cool.

I hope you'll find it in your heart to consider my request, I know it's not ordinary and I'm asking a lot and boy have I got some nerve to even bother you and I understand if the answer is no. But if not me, please consider helping someone else who's renting but wants to own a home. We're not all like the comic book store guy. Thanks Ty, you're the bestest goofiest nicest life changing interior designer super hero EVER!

Trillian

8:24 AM

 
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