Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.

Otherwise, hello, and welcome.
Mail Trillian here<





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Women, The Internet and You: Tips for Men Who Use Online Dating Sites
Part I, Your Profile and Email

Part II, Selecting a Potential Date

Part III, Your First Date!

Part IV, After the First Date. Now What?


"50 First Dates"






Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.

Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Find Federal Officials
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or Search by State

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Contact The Media
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Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)

Quasar
Hyperbole
Amenable
Taciturn
Ennui
Prophetic
Tawdry
Hubris
Ethereal
Syzygy
Umbrageous
Twerp
Sluice
Omnipotent
Sanctuary
Malevolent
Maelstrom
Luddite
Subterfuge
Akimbo
Hoosegow
Dodecahedron
Visceral
Soupçon
Truculent
Vitriol
Mercurial
Kerfuffle
Sangfroid




























 







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Highlights from the Archives. Some favorite Trillian moments.

Void, Of Course: Eliminating Expectations and Emotions for a Better Way of Life

200i: iPodyssey

Macs Are from Venus, Windows is from Mars Can a relationship survive across platform barriers?
Jerking Off

Get A Job

Office Church Ladies: A Fieldguide

'Cause I'm a Blonde

True? Honestly? I think not.

A Good Day AND Funyuns?

The Easter Boy

Relationship in the Dumpster

Wedding Dress 4 Sale, Never Worn

Got Friends? Are You Sure? Take This Test

What About Class? Take This Test

A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away, There Was a Really Bad Movie

May Your Alchemical Process be Complete. Rob Roy Recipe

Good Thing She's Not in a Good Mood Very Often (We Knew it Wouldn't Last)

What Do I Have to Do to Put You in this Car Today?

Of Mice and Me (Killer Cat Strikes in Local Woman's Apartment)

Trillian: The Musical (The Holiday Special)

LA Woman (I Love (Hate) LA)

It is my Cultureth
...and it would suit-eth me kindly to speak-eth in such mannered tongue

Slanglish

It's a Little Bit Me, It's a Little Bit You
Blogging a Legacy for Future Generations


Parents Visiting? Use Trillian's Mantra!

Ghosts of Christmas Past: Mod Hair Ken

Caught Blogging by Mom, Boss or Other

2003 Holiday Sho-Lo/Mullet Awards

Crullers, The Beer Store and Other Saintly Places

Come on Out of that Doghouse! It's a Sunshine Day!

"...I had no idea our CEO is actually Paula Abdul in disguise."

Lap Dance of the Cripple

Of Muppets and American Idols
"I said happier place, not crappier place!"

Finally Off Crutches, Trillian is Emancipated

Payless? Trillian? Shoe Confessions

Reality Wednesday: Extremely Local Pub

Reality Wednesday: Backstage Staging Zone (The Sweater Blog)

The Night Secret Agent Man Shot My Dad

To Dream the Impossible Dream: The Office Karaoke Party

Trillian Flies Economy Class (Prisoner, Cell Block H)

Trillian Visits the Village of the Damned, Takes Drugs, Becomes Delusional and Blogs Her Brains Out

Trillian's Parents are Powerless

Striptease for Spiders: A PETA Charity Event (People for the Ethical Treatment of Arachnids)

What's Up with Trillian and the Richard Branson Worship?

"Screw the French and their politics, give me their cheese!"


















 
Mail Trillian here





Trillian's Guide to the Galaxy gives 5 stars to these places in the Universe:
So much more than fun with fonts, this is a daily dose of visual poetry set against a backdrop of historical trivia. (C'mon, how can you not love a site that notes Wolfman Jack's birthday?!)

CellStories

Alliance for the Great Lakes


Hot, so cool, so cool we're hot.

Ig Nobel Awards

And you think YOU have the worst bridesmaid dress?

Coolest Jewelry in the Universe here (trust Trillian, she knows)

Red Tango

If your boss is an idiot, click here.

Evil Cat Full of Loathing.

Wildlife Works

Detroit Cobras


The Beachwood Reporter is better than not all, but most sex.



Hey! Why not check out some great art and illustration while you're here? Please? It won't hurt and it's free.

Shag

Kii Arens

Tim Biskup

Jeff Soto

Jotto




Get Fuzzy Now!
If you're not getting fuzzy, you should be. All hail Darby Conley. Yes, he's part of the Syndicate. But he's cool.





Who or what is HWNMNBS: (He Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken) Trillian's ex-fiancé. "Issues? What issues?"







Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.


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Reading blogs at work? Click to escape to a suitable site!

Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains





























Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero

 
Monday, May 21, 2012  
Here's another tip on what not to do to an unemployed/underemployed friend.

We'll run a hypothetical and role play. I'll be me. You'll be one of my friends. 

Let's say you are married to a man who makes a lot of money. You have not worked in almost 15 years and spend your days at country clubs (plural), spas, salons, with your personal trainers (also plural) and shopping. You live in a mansion overlooking an ocean. Your children go to private schools. You take several vacations a year to places featured in Traveler magazine.

You are embarking on another of your extended vacations, 10 weeks in some of the more exotic locations you've been meaning to visit or revisit. You have a decent camera but are in the market for something a little more professional because you want to see if you have a flair for photography and this vacation seems like the perfect time to explore the option of becoming a fine art photographer. The kids are getting older and you think you want to "do something" that's "fun," not a real job, like in an office and with stress and stuff, one of those dream jobs.  (Heavens no, not a real job, I mean, really, use your 7 years of college and grad school education for their intended purpose?! Pluheez. How gauche.) And you certainly do not want to do anything that would require you to return to a classroom. (You do not have time for that. You have your spring fling dance committee at club one, the holiday silent auction committee at club two, your sessions at the gym, your shopping...and you have to take the kids to all their activities...you do not have time for school.) You're not particularly creative and are known to wear a lot of navy and khaki because you have a horrible eye for color. You had an interior decorator choose and purchase almost every item in your 6,800 square foot home, including paintings and photographs, because you "can't be bothered with trying to figure 'all that' out."  But for reasons known only to you, you now think it would be fun to be a fine art photographer. Your friend used to spend a lot of time in darkrooms that smelled funny and were lit with a red light, and you never understood how she could tolerate it. But now that everything's digital, no more smelly darkrooms and the whole photography thing is a lot more attractive to you. And so, you need to buy the very best camera and lenses money can buy. But you know absolutely nothing about cameras or photography. Lucky for you, you have a friend who has been using cameras and taking photographs and until a couple years ago was advancing through a career as a creative professional. This friend is super savvy with all those computer programs for photos, too. She's handy with a computer, too. Which is good, because you want a new one of those.

You ask your friend (me) to compile a list of everything you'll need to be a fine art photographer. Spare no expense, just make a list of everything fine art photographers use.

For some reason, your friend gagged a little when you asked her to do this. Her allergies must be acting up again.

Your friend (me) who is not married, unemployed, gone through all of her savings and 401K and squatting in her home until the sheriff comes to kick her out,  has nothing better to do with her time than compile a list of everything a fine art photographer needs, and this will give her a little project. It will help her feel viable and needed. (You are so thoughtful and altruistic!)

A couple days later your friend emailed you the requested list. She was so thoughtful, she even included links to sources where you can get a good deal on some of the items.

But you're not going to bother with the internet, that's too slow! You want to buy the stuff and have it right then so you can embark on your fine art photography career that very day!

So you take the list to the local camera store. Lucky for you, you live in a nice town that caters to wealthy people and there is still a store dedicated to cameras. You browse through the store and locate the camera and lenses your friend suggested. And it's on sale. $1,900??? That's all? That can't be right. There are much more expensive cameras in the store, and many more types of lenses than your friend suggested. Oh no, this will not do at all. You talk to the guy working there and he concurs with your friend's suggestion. Hmmmm. Maybe....but...why is this camera so much less expensive? Why is it on sale? No, this doesn't feel right. Midway through the conversation, the shop owner appears. The guy working there relays your intended uses for a camera. The owner steers you over to another area of the shop. There are lots of lenses only a couple camera bodies. The camera bodies alone are $6,999. Yes, this is more like it. A fine art photographer must have expensive equipment. You feel more comfortable with that equipment, so you take the camera shop owner's advice. After all he owns a camera shop. Your friend only uses cameras. (A few days later you return to pick up another little item the shop owner showed you - an underwater camera because you booked a few SCUBA dives during your stay in Fiji. You were just going to get a watertight case for the camera you purchased, but after thinking about it, you decided you want to have a camera dedicated to SCUBA and snorkeling.)

Next stop: Computer store. You go in ask to see the computer on the list. Your friend suggested a 15" laptop, but the kid who works at the store learns that you're a fine art photographer and insists you need a 17" with an additional You spend $7,000 on the laptop and a 27" display for home use, when you'll really do a lot of photo editing.

You get home and don't have a clue how to use your new computer. 34 phone calls to your friend later, you're able to turn on your laptop and go online. Yay! Time to buy software! You don't know what is actually in a creative suite, but it sounds cool and the images on the website are super cool, so instead of taking advantage of the inexpensive one-month-at-a-time option for PhotoShop as your friend suggested, you buy the entire Creative Suite, Master edition. $2,599. You probably won't need all of it, but it'll be nice to have it in case you do. You're going to be a fine art photographer, after all. And this stuff can't be that complicated, right? I mean, your friend is clever but she's not that clever, and she learned how to use all of it. You'll invite her to stay with you a few days and have her teach it to you. Done and done! You're in business, now! Nothing left to do except pack for that 10 week vacation!

Oh wait! Your friend's birthday is right around the corner! Better send her a gift! How about a necklace from that boutique in town! That'll be a nice treat! Oh, and throw in some of those Twizzlers she loves! She seems so down lately. That'll cheer her up!

You need a box to send the Twizzlers and necklace. Hmmmmm, well, let's see, there are a ton of boxes over in the corner from your shopping trip to the camera store, use one of those! You wrap the Twizzlers and necklace into the box your underwater camera came in. Perfect! She likes photography and she loves to snorkel and fish and all that. She'll love the box!

Your friend receives the box from you. She gets all warm and fuzzy when it arrives. "Oh, even with all she has going on she remembered my birthday. That's so thoughtful of her." She tears open the outer layer of wrapping and sees the pristine new underwater camera box. She's reasonably certain there's not an underwater camera in the box, that would be an uncharacteristically lavish gift. But. She didn't know you bought an underwater camera along with all your other gear, so she's a little surprised to see that box. She digs into the box and finds Twizzlers and a necklace. She thinks that's very nice. She likes Twizzlers. She likes necklaces. Happy birthday.

Her condo is barren, just a bed, a desk and a couch remain because your friend is waiting for the bank to finalize the foreclosure and evict her. The underwater camera box looks oddly out of place, the room looks like someone bought a new underwater camera and deserted the place, taking everything except the large furniture with them. This amuses your friend. But then that box and all it stands for starts to fester. And though she doesn't resent you or your husband's money, it does occur to her that it was a little insensitive of you to send a package of Twizzlers and a necklace in a box that contained something she has long wanted.

The afternoon turns to evening, your friend occasionally glances up from her laptop, giving her eyes a break from reading dismal job descriptions. The box looms in the corner, and as the dusk turns to night and moonlight and the glow of the laptop screen illuminate the Spartan room, the underwater camera box anthropomorphizes into a snobby mean girl bully, taunting your friend about her inability to find a job, keep her home, go on vacations and own an underwater camera of her own. She imagines that the taunting box would speak in your voice with an underwater sound effect, "I asked you for advice and ignored it, and I bought two new very expensive cameras! You like cameras and photography! Here! You can have one of the boxes to play with!"




Your friend knows she's being immature and silly and envious and that she needs to get over it. But. Still. It was kind of callous to use that particular box to send a birthday gift of a package of Twizzlers and a necklace to a friend who's unemployed and soon to be homeless. It is flaunting your wealth and possessions at her. Even if she had a job it would be a little, well, tacky, so send a gift in a box that contained a very expensive item you just bought for yourself.

That night your friend dreams she's SCUBA diving. The sealife is stunning, the colors are new colors, colors she's never seen, and in her dream she is slack jawed with awe and wonder wishing she had a camera to record all that she's seeing. The camera box floats into into view. It's wearing a SCUBA tank and mask. Your friend has a lucid dream moment and laughs at the psychology of the visual in her dream. She drops back into a deeper sleep and the dream continues, but turns from pleasant and beautiful to scary and dark. She's running out of air in her SCUBA tank and is trying to surface but something's holding her feet, or her feet are stuck, or she's paralyzed...whatever the reason, she can't move her feet and propel herself to the surface. She's gasping for air and looks up at the surface just out of reach, and a family of underwater camera boxes floats by, two large and two small, all wearing snorkeling gear. In her dream, you friend tries to get their attention, waving and screaming underwater, but the camera box family doesn't hear her. They just snorkel overhead as if she doesn't exist.

Yeah. I know. This might be a bit of an overreaction. And someone, your friend, perhaps, might want to consider some counseling.

But.

While there's no shame in being wealthy, and you shouldn't feel guilty or embarrassed about your financial success, don't flaunt your swutting wealth in front of your unemployed or underemployed friends. They're happy for you, truly they are, and they're not jealous of you. But. They feel like crap and doubt that they're ever going to live any kind of a life worth living and struggle, daily, to find convince themselves there are reasons to not kill themselves. Go, do what you want to do, enjoy your life and your money, but use a little sensitivity when showing off your possessions to your impoverished friends.

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