Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.

Otherwise, hello, and welcome.
Mail Trillian here<





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Women, The Internet and You: Tips for Men Who Use Online Dating Sites
Part I, Your Profile and Email

Part II, Selecting a Potential Date

Part III, Your First Date!

Part IV, After the First Date. Now What?


"50 First Dates"






Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.

Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Find Federal Officials
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or Search by State

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Contact The Media
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Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)

Quasar
Hyperbole
Amenable
Taciturn
Ennui
Prophetic
Tawdry
Hubris
Ethereal
Syzygy
Umbrageous
Twerp
Sluice
Omnipotent
Sanctuary
Malevolent
Maelstrom
Luddite
Subterfuge
Akimbo
Hoosegow
Dodecahedron
Visceral
Soupçon
Truculent
Vitriol
Mercurial
Kerfuffle
Sangfroid




























 







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Highlights from the Archives. Some favorite Trillian moments.

Void, Of Course: Eliminating Expectations and Emotions for a Better Way of Life

200i: iPodyssey

Macs Are from Venus, Windows is from Mars Can a relationship survive across platform barriers?
Jerking Off

Get A Job

Office Church Ladies: A Fieldguide

'Cause I'm a Blonde

True? Honestly? I think not.

A Good Day AND Funyuns?

The Easter Boy

Relationship in the Dumpster

Wedding Dress 4 Sale, Never Worn

Got Friends? Are You Sure? Take This Test

What About Class? Take This Test

A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away, There Was a Really Bad Movie

May Your Alchemical Process be Complete. Rob Roy Recipe

Good Thing She's Not in a Good Mood Very Often (We Knew it Wouldn't Last)

What Do I Have to Do to Put You in this Car Today?

Of Mice and Me (Killer Cat Strikes in Local Woman's Apartment)

Trillian: The Musical (The Holiday Special)

LA Woman (I Love (Hate) LA)

It is my Cultureth
...and it would suit-eth me kindly to speak-eth in such mannered tongue

Slanglish

It's a Little Bit Me, It's a Little Bit You
Blogging a Legacy for Future Generations


Parents Visiting? Use Trillian's Mantra!

Ghosts of Christmas Past: Mod Hair Ken

Caught Blogging by Mom, Boss or Other

2003 Holiday Sho-Lo/Mullet Awards

Crullers, The Beer Store and Other Saintly Places

Come on Out of that Doghouse! It's a Sunshine Day!

"...I had no idea our CEO is actually Paula Abdul in disguise."

Lap Dance of the Cripple

Of Muppets and American Idols
"I said happier place, not crappier place!"

Finally Off Crutches, Trillian is Emancipated

Payless? Trillian? Shoe Confessions

Reality Wednesday: Extremely Local Pub

Reality Wednesday: Backstage Staging Zone (The Sweater Blog)

The Night Secret Agent Man Shot My Dad

To Dream the Impossible Dream: The Office Karaoke Party

Trillian Flies Economy Class (Prisoner, Cell Block H)

Trillian Visits the Village of the Damned, Takes Drugs, Becomes Delusional and Blogs Her Brains Out

Trillian's Parents are Powerless

Striptease for Spiders: A PETA Charity Event (People for the Ethical Treatment of Arachnids)

What's Up with Trillian and the Richard Branson Worship?

"Screw the French and their politics, give me their cheese!"


















 
Mail Trillian here





Trillian's Guide to the Galaxy gives 5 stars to these places in the Universe:
So much more than fun with fonts, this is a daily dose of visual poetry set against a backdrop of historical trivia. (C'mon, how can you not love a site that notes Wolfman Jack's birthday?!)

CellStories

Alliance for the Great Lakes


Hot, so cool, so cool we're hot.

Ig Nobel Awards

And you think YOU have the worst bridesmaid dress?

Coolest Jewelry in the Universe here (trust Trillian, she knows)

Red Tango

If your boss is an idiot, click here.

Evil Cat Full of Loathing.

Wildlife Works

Detroit Cobras


The Beachwood Reporter is better than not all, but most sex.



Hey! Why not check out some great art and illustration while you're here? Please? It won't hurt and it's free.

Shag

Kii Arens

Tim Biskup

Jeff Soto

Jotto




Get Fuzzy Now!
If you're not getting fuzzy, you should be. All hail Darby Conley. Yes, he's part of the Syndicate. But he's cool.





Who or what is HWNMNBS: (He Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken) Trillian's ex-fiancé. "Issues? What issues?"







Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.


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Reading blogs at work? Click to escape to a suitable site!

Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains





























Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero

 
Wednesday, November 02, 2005  
Wow. Has it been a week already?

So many creeps, so little time...

I joined a new online dating site, you know, casting my net wide and all that. The thing about joining an online dating site is the whole fresh meat aspect. The mail box is filled with email from men who spend a lot of time trolling dating sites for fresh meat. One lesson I’ve learned in my online dating adventure is that most of the men who rush to contact you as soon as you join are habitual online dating site trollers.

Okay. Yes, I’m sort of date troller, too. Though I do not spend every spare and not so spare moment hanging out in the chat rooms and propositioning every guy who logs into the system.

Which is what a lot of men do. And when they see fresh meat they pounce.

There are reasons why they pounce: They are desperate, serial daters, pervs or stalkers. Or a combination of all four.

Yes, that’s a huge generalization. I'm sorry. Really. I'm sorry to make that generalization. But take it from one who’s been doing this for a while. Too long of while. (and yes, by some measures I am a serial dater. Not by choice, though, so there’s a difference between me and a person who dates a ton of people because they do not want a long term commitment.) Take it from me: When you first join a dating site those types of men will pounce on your profile. You can take this as flattery if you like, but be warned: They pounce on all new profiles. There are reasons why they've been members for several years and have not yet found Ms. Right.

And yes. To be fair, a few may single you out as special, and of that few a few might really mean it when they say they’ve been waiting for you. You or someone else sort of like you. Or not really even that much like you. Just someone “special.”

Ah yes. Me. Serial dating.

So I had this date last week. With a guy I really, really liked. A non Creep of the Week. This one went straight into the "OH GOD, YES GOD YES, YES, YES!!!!! pile) I thought, you know, maybe. We’d been emailing and talked a few times and we were hitting it off pretty well. Some good laughs, a shared interest in key outlooks and even the same interests and hobbies. We finally got together face to face and, well. Let’s just say I’m still “out there” looking for a man. More disappointment and rejection. Nice guy, super nice guy. Intelligent, funny, sincere, nice...but he’s just not into me. And it wasn't just my stupid new hairstyle. (sigh. look of despair. Eeyore shuffle to the copy room. oh well. i should have known it wouldn’t work. i knew it was too good to be true. i knew he was too good for me. at least he was nice about it. sigh.)

And so to buoy my flagging “enthusiasm” for this whole thing I joined yet another online dating site. If I can't find a man I like, I can at least torture myself with more men with whom I have nothing in common.

So this new dating site. Yikes. Let’s just say I’m in the cooling off period. Waiting for the sharks to get bored at the feeding frenzy of new meat and see who dares to come around with real and serious interest after the sharks have moved on to newer meat and other feeding frenzies.

Consequently there are a lot of creeps this week. Kind of a Dawn of the Dead theme. The men rising from their tombs, I mean profiles, and attacking an innocent traveller who is just passing through town. (me)

But this guy, he’s well, he’s got to be close to the king of the creeps. Why? you ask. What makes him so much more worse, I mean “special” than all the others? Well, because he's the guy everyone thinks you’ll meet online. You know. That guy. The sort of guy your married friends think you’ll meet online. The guy you used to think you’d meet online until you browsed and found some honestly decent men. But he’s not one of those guys. He’s that guy.

I’ve encountered a lot of these guys, but this one, I mean, this one is the epitome of that guy. Name him Larry and put him in a chest wig and tight polyester disco clothes and you’ve got everyone’s worst dating nightmare.

And no. Underneath it all he’s not a nice person.

He’s a jerk. An unaware, egotistical, shallow, chauvenistic, unintelligent, off color joke telling jerk.

And he's
creep week
And he wants to date me. Yep. I’m the lucky girl who caught his eye. Well. Me and a lot of other women. Still. He has so far sent me seven emails. Yes. Seven. 7. There’s a thin line between persistence and creepy annoyance. That same thin line between “gosh, I really like her, she’s swell” and obsessive stalking.

A lot of guys are probably sitting there thinking, “Wait a minute, Trill, I thought women like attention. I thought us guys are supposed to shower you with attention and interest. Okay, sure, seven emails is a bit much, but still, I mean, maybe the guy’s just interested and wants you to know how interested he is. Seesh, Trill, you whine about how no man likes you but then when you get one who’s hot for you you’re all bothered by him. Conflicted, much Trill?”

Sigh. Yes. You’re right, I know, this can be so confusing. He obviously wants me to know he’s interested. And that’s nice. But too much is just, well, too much. Just like the guys at bars who won’t take no for answer. The guys who hover more and more with each passing drink. The guys from whom we have to escape via a bathroom window. See my point here? Attention = good. Seven weird emails = creepy stalker.

Or maybe not. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m being too picky. Maybe I’m being too sensitive. Maybe I’ve got him all wrong. Maybe it's me.

Just because his emails read like form letters doesn’t mean he’s a creepy internet stalker, right? Or worse, a real estate agent...

Well, it remains to be seen if he’s a creepy internet stalker, but when I finally looked at his profile I was vindicated in my second guess. “Hot property for you!” is his headline. Just a little real estate humor there. Har har. Very little.

gender: Male
location: ***, IN (of course he’s from Indiana. Cripes. Guys, what’s going on in Indiana? Why are you storming the Illinois border for women? And more to the point, why almost without fail are those of you storming the borders for women jerks? Is it because you’ve been banned from dating in your own state?)
interested In: Activities partners, Romantic encounters, Dating
relationship Status: Single
hair color: Brown
eye color: Brown
height: 5'9" (right, so we’ll assume 5’7”, then?)
body type: Average
religion: Catholic
education: Bachelor's degree
profession: Sales, Real Estate (Natch. Buy hey, at least he’s honest about it. Right?)
Smokes (Oh goody! Another smoker! The thought of the bonus of second hand smoke lung disease along with a super swell guy is almost more than I can dare to imagine!)
Drinks socially / occasionally
has kids: No
wants kids: No

how ** is different
...I’ll treat you like a queen even if you’re only a princess! (Ack! Ick! Run! Run fast and far!) I’m the last of the chivalrous men. (Really? The last one? Huh. Imagine that. And right there in Indiana.) I am equally comfortable in jeans or a tux (Please guys, please, I'm begging you, for the love of Armani, please put this tired cliché to rest. Almost every guy says this exact phrase in his profile. News flash, guys: You’re supposed to be equally comfortable in jeans or a tux, m’kay? This does not make you in any way special. You’re supposed to be mature and intelligent and in possession of enough decorum to know how to dress appropriately for the occasion and be comfortable doing so. Sheesh guys, sheesh. If you’re not comfortable in jeans or a tux you might want to mention that. “I’m not comfortable in a tux or any suit for that matter so if you’re into those hoity toity places and events which require a suit or tux move onto the next guy.” Or, “I do not own a pair of jeans. I refuse to wear them. I do not have a jeans and t-shirt lifestyle. If you like a man in jeans move onto the next guy.” Those are cases worth mentioning in your profile. Exceptions to the norm, insights into your personality and lifestyle. That’s what we’re looking for in your profile. Not tired clichés about fundamental basics of life in the first world.) I am lucky to be successful in a profession which gives me a lot of free time to spoil my women. (yes, plural) I’m in real estate and have a lot of developments in in a wide range of locations (ding ding ding! Score for the woman with the hmmph smirk! Not only “in real estate” but also a developer!) If you don’t want to date me, at least let me put you in a castle of your own! (CHA CHING!!! THIS WEEK’s grand prize winner is Tricia McMillian! She saw through this guy’s “dating” profile and smelled a real estate sales pitch at first glance! Don, what lovely prizes does Ms. McMillian win?! Wellllll, first, Ms. McMillian will spend a weekend driving around the suburban sprawl of Northwest Indiana! She’ll get to look at countless houses and condo developments and attend the exclusive “You and Your Mortgage: How to Finance Your American Dream with High Interest Long Term Balloon Financing Scams!” seminar! And then she’ll get to have dinner with a qualified sales associate who will attempt to bore her pants off and into his king size bed! While there she’ll enjoy porn movies on an 87” plasma television with full stereophonic sound!” I know, I know. At least he’s honest about it. At least he’s very open about it. At least he’s not hiding his intentions and motivations like so many other real estate “associates” do on online dating sites. It’s just. I mean. I don’t know. This is why I’m asking you. Maybe I shouldn’t be so quick to dismiss him.)

about his personality
This site offers “in depth” personality testing.
he scores high on:traditional, materialistic, and romantic
and low on: adventurous, easygoing, supportive, independent

Right, so he’s an independent traditional romantic who is uptight, unadventurous, materialistic and unsupportive. Oh boy! Sign me up for a lifetime commitment with this guy!

his interests
Computers / Internet, Dining out, Listening to music, Massage, Movies, My job, Reading the newspaper, Wine and gourmet foods, Business, Dining out, Fitness, Gambling/lotteries, Listening to music, Massage, Movies, My job, Stock market, Watching TV, Traveling

watch sports
Football, Baseball, Basketball, Hockey

pets
i have: none
i like: Dogs,
i don't like: cats

turn-ons/turn-offs
turn-ons: Baby talk, (oooh, ick, I mean, hey, whatever floats your boat) Confidence, Flirting, Goofiness, People with dogs, Piercings, Public displays of affection, Skinny dipping, Sweat, Tan lines, Tattoos, The unexpected
turn-offs: Assertiveness, Facial hair, Power, Sarcasm, Tan lines, Tattoos (Okay, so once again, I have to ask the Universe, why would this guy contact me? Seven times? No, I don’t have facial hair, power, tan lines or tattoos, but I’m assertive (hey, I am when it comes to work) and it’s blatantly obvious in my profile I’m sarcastic, I state that I have a cat and there’s nothing to indicate that I talk baby talk...I mean, why? Why Universe? Why is he contacting me? Seven times, no less? Is there something I’m not catching? Something I don’t see in this guy? Am I missing out on the love of my life here?)

music
Disco, Jazz, Pop, Soft Rock (so, um, should I opt for the AC/DC or Pixies t-shirt for our first date? I’m thinking AC/DC.)

hangouts
My bedroom or yours? (double ugh-accino. Just. Ick. Ick. Ick. Ick. Ick. Ick.)

more about **
i'm picky when it comes to:
Women, guns and cars. (okay....just slowly back away...I hope for his sake this is his idea of a “goofy” joke but based on the rest of his profile (particularly the parental issues and off the chart low easygoing score) this just scares me.)

in my bedroom, you'd find:
A king size bed, a plasma tv, a stereo. (I hate this question, by the way, there’s no good way to answer this either seriously or jokingly, but a lot of sites use it. I guess it’s supposed to be provocative. Yeah. This guy’s king sized bed, plasma tv and stereo are real provocative to me. Wavy vision of the future sequence. Me, being dragged into his bedroom, and in a baby talk voice, “Oooooh, it’s so big! Evweyfing in hewe is so big!” No. Just. No.)

best things i learned from my parents:
How NOT to be a parent. (Oh boy! Issues with a side of bitterness, resentment and disrespect! Woo hoo! Seriously guys, I realize not everyone is as fortunate as me in the parent department. I really do understand this. But. If you’ve got issues with your parents (or an ex, too, I see a lot of ex bashing on profiles) your profile is not the place to air them not only to prospective dates but to the world. If nothing else it’s incredibly disrespectful and this alone casts you in a very, very bad light.)

three things i can't live without:
Food, water, shelter. Is this a stupid question or what?! (Dude, it’s meant to give you a chance to show your introspective or funny side. Redemption for that stupid bedroom question. Apparently that lack of adventure and easygoingness has you all in a muddle over this.)

who** is looking for
An attractive, petite slim woman who oozes confidence. I like blonds (sic) but I’m open to all types of women as long as their (sic) attractive. Big hooters and great gams don’t hurt, either! (ye gads. he really wrote that. I mean, oh never mind.) She should be fun, sensual, romantic and like being spoiled. (For the record, based on his posted photos this guy is not conventionally attractive. Not that I care but just so we're all clear. He's a normal to not so good looking short, overweight balding guy whose criteria in a date is that she's an attractive, slim, petite preferably blonde woman with big hooters and nice gams. Double standard much? Yes. It is. Just pointing that out to those of you playing along at home.)

gender:: Female
age:: 23 to 40 (Natch. To be fair he’s only a few years past 40 so at least he’s not some old letch only considering young girls)
location:: 1000 miles of **, Indiana
looking For:: Romantic encounters, Dating, Committed relationship (um, but, see, he’s not looking for a committed relationship. I see this a lot. Men don’t list that they’re looking for a committed, long term relationship or marriage, yet they want a woman who is looking for those types of relationships. There are obvious conclusions to draw from that, but maybe there’s more to it than the obvious. Help me out with this one guys.)

relationship status:: Single
hair color:: Blond
eye color:: Blue
body type:: Slim
ethnicity:: Caucasian / White, Asian (Natch)
languages:: Any (Hey, she doesn’t have to speak English, any language will do as long as she can talk baby talk.)
religion:: Any
education:: Master's degree, PhD / Post doctoral (um, okay, nowhere in his profile except here does he mention anything remotely indicating he values intelligence, career or education, and yet he specifies a minimum educational requirement of a Master’s degree?)
occupation:: Any
income:: $75,000 to $99,999, $100,000 to $149,999, $150,000+ (oh, and he wants her to be wealthy, too. Go figure. What a shock.)
smoking:: Any
drinking:: Doesn't drink, Drinks socially / occasionally
have children:: No
want children:: No

Right. So this Mr. Wonderful thinks we’re a good match. He “already really likes me” and has sent me seven emails indicating his interest. Three days, seven emails. Not one response from me as yet, by the way. Nothing from me to encourage these emails. Noting from me indicating I'm even remotely interested in him. Nothing. As far as he knows I haven’t even read any of his email or seen his profile. And yet...seven emails from him. Very long albeit generic emails. Mainly vaguely talking about himself and how he’s a very romantic partner and loves spoiling his women. (Yes, plural. Always women, never woman. Freudian slip or unfulfilled fantasy: You be the judge.)

What do you think? Should I give him a chance?

The overwhelming response to the past Creeps of the Week has been: NOOOO! Trillian, don’t do it! Noooooooooo! Please! Date my brother/roommate/coworker/ex husband if you must, he’s a jerk but he’s not that bad!

I’m not kidding when I say these are the best of the worst. Especially this week.

I didn’t put HOT T 4U up for consideration. He’s around my age, recently divorced and looking for a “Hellcat in the sheets.” And then there’s the guy who’s a Belarusian living in Estonia for “reasons familyl” (Don’t laugh, it’s rude. Do you speak Estonian or Belarusian? No? Okay, cut the guy some slack, he's trying to speak English) who apparently “licks Amerikan gyrls” and who “want for me these mamy things.” (seriously, don’t laugh, it’s rude) How low have my already low standards fallen? It’s not the potential communication and distance issues that kept him in the delete pile, but his eagerness to show off several naked photos of himself (with privates blurred) to the world which in the end concerned me enough to delete him. Wavy screen to vision of the future : "Hi Mum and Dad, guess what?! I met this great guy. I know! Finally! He's Belarusian but lives in Estonia and guess what?! He licks American girls! Here's a naked photo of him..."

See? That Hoosier real estate agent isn’t sounding too bad now, is he?

It's all relative. Spend a week sifting through email and looking for men online and the best of the worst start to sound a lot better than they did at first glance.

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