Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.
Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.
Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)
Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)
Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains
Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away
Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains
A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right
Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains
Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
You know how you go along through life observing, maybe doing a little reporting here and there, taking it all in, learning, eventually realizing people, individually and as a species, are really weird? And once you realize this you sort of feel kind of enlightened because you naively believe, "hey, I've seen it all, or at least a lot of it, and I've learned that people are weird. And so having come to that realization, nothing a human does can surprise me. Not really. Not in that big, shocking way because I know that fundamentally people are weird. Ergo, they will exhibit weird behavior. Huh. Enlightenment. Wow. I'm so enlightened. Life's going to be a lot easier now. Terrific. Here we go then."
And then you decide to give online dating a try.
And you learn that everything you thought you could handle because of all that enlightenment and the acceptance of the realization that people, individually and as a species, are weird, confounds you. Leaves you stymied. More convinced than ever that humans are very weird, but stymied and confounded nonetheless.
Because there is nothing, absolutely nothing you could observe in life which can fully prepare you for the weirdness you may encounter if you give online dating a real and serious try.
Yep.
I've been out of commission for the past week-ish. Out of town. Under the weather. Certainly in no position to be giving 50 First Dates any effort. When I finally had the time and energy to deal with, erm, I mean, eagerly open the email from my online dating sites I found: A lot of the usual, scads of "clearly did not read my profile or would have known I don't date smokers, underaged boys, retired men or taxidermists," a few "hey, maybes," and this guy.
Normally I would have deleted him upon first glance of his basic stats: Way out of my age range. Many years older than the age I post as my max age. And yet, like so many other divorced guys hopped up high on Cialis, he sent me an email anyway.
(That behavior would fall into the "normal" weirdness for which life has actually prepared me. People are weird, therefore they will ignore basic facts presented to them and believe themselves always to be the exception. Which I find interesting and proof of the weird human thing because everyone feels they are the exception. We can't all be the exception because that would make the exception the norm. Exceptional means better than normal. We're not all better than normal. Most of us aren't even normal. Many of us peak at normal on a really good day and flop around in the below normal unexceptional gene swamp the rest of the time. That's part of the path to enlightenment: Realizing people are weird and since you're a person you, too, are therefore weird. And probably unexceptional. If you'd just apply yourself you could really do well. You're capable of so much more. Your third grade teacher told you so. She was right.)
But something caught my eye.
There was something familiar about him.
Something very, very familiar.
I took a closer look at his profile photo. I looked at his city. I looked at his other profile photos...
...and that was where I was hit with the realization of several things.
(insert Psycho shower scene soundbite here)
The things I realized were:
A) People are swutting weirder than I ever could have swutting imagined.
B) He is the father of a woman in my office.
You heard me. The father of someone I know, a man I have met a few times and clearly knows who he's emailing, contacted me for a date via an online dating site.
A woman I actually like. A woman in that gray area between coworker and friend. I like her more than I generally like coworkers, I mean, I've met her father for crying out loud. He works in town and sometimes stops in the office. I always chat with him and once I even showed him how to use iTunes. He's, you know, nice, in that father of a friend kind of way. Not in any way other than that, though.
I have several photos posted on this dating site so I am 100% certain he knew who I was when he emailed me. However, he didn't actually mention this fact in his email.
Not surprisingly, his email was short and rather cryptic. "Hi there. I know I'm older than you want (so why are you writing me?) but I think if you take a minute to look beyond our age difference you'll see we have a lot in common. (Yeah. We both know your daughter, for a start.) "
That was it.
I read his profile several times and fail to see what we have in common other than the fact that we don't smoke. (I know, I know, that's a huge start, I know. I shouldn't be so picky.) He doesn't like cats or dogs. (I can vouch for that. He made a sick dead cat joke when he saw the photo of Furry Creature on my desk.) He likes riding his motorcycle. (I can vouch for that. I had to hear the story of his near death crash experience.) He doesn't "spend much time reading" because he'd "rather have fun than sit around reading." (I can vouch for that. He didn't get a joke I made about Haikus. "What's a Haiku?") He describes his sense of humor as slapstick. (I can vouch for that. He is fond of Stooge-a-palooza on a local network.) He is not looking for a serious commitment. (I can vouch for that, too. I've heard his daughter's (my coworker) lament about his post mid-life crisis and her worries about what will become of him in his old age.)
Let's just pretend we have a lot in common. Just for the sake of me trying to not be too picky about the men I date. Let's say apart from our age difference we really were good for each other.
I swutting work with his daughter.
wavy dream sequence screen to the image of me going to meet my new boyfriend's family who is my coworker and her siblings. "Surprise! I'm dating your dad!" Then a few weeks later, me coming into work on a Monday morning. As I walk past my coworker's office I say, "Hey, Coworker, how was your weekend? Mine? Oh fantastic. I'm walkin' a little funny today but it was worth it if you know what I mean, nyuck nyuck. That dad of yours is incredible. Give him a Cialis on Friday and he doesn't stop until Stooge-a-palooza on Sunday afternoon!"
Back to reality.
A) I do not discuss my sex life (or lack thereof) with my colleagues or coworkers.
B) She's his daughter.
C) There's a rule imprinted in human DNA that states people do not want to know about their parents' sex lives.
Let's just pretend I don't work with his daughter. Just for the sake of me trying to not be too picky about the men I date. Let's say apart from our age difference and the fact that we have nothing in common, I don't even know his daughter and therefor he's "datable."
wavy dream sequence screen to the image of me trying to read with the Three Stooges blaring in the background and this guy laughing and guffawing, "hey, sweetheart, you'll never guess what Moe just did to Curly! Sheesh, he never learns!"
"Um, let me guess, slapping, punching and stupid vocal sound effects?"
Back to reality.
Okay. Leaving the Stooge Factor out of the equation, we're just not a good candidate for couplehood.
And then there's his daughter.
My coworker.
A woman I like and respect.
Whom I have to face every day from now until as long as I work with her knowing that her father tried to pick me up on an online dating site.
Now, more than ever, I really, really have to get a new job.
But until then, what?
So far I've simply ignored his email. I haven't responded. (I'm invoking cooling off period so no one gets hurt.)
The next time he stops in the office is going to be beyond weird. I'll duck and hide, but I can't live in constant fear of this guy showing up in the office. Some day, some time, I'm going to see him. And it's going to be really weird.
Although not as weird as trying to pretend that a coworker's father didn't hit on me online.
She must never, ever know. She's already got some issue regarding her parents' divorce. The last thing she needs to know is that her father is not only hitting on much younger women, but women who are her coworkers as well.
Maybe I've got her all wrong. Maybe she'd be cool with it. Heck, maybe she even encouraged it. But I doubt it. I like this woman. She's not weird like that. She's capable of thinking far enough ahead and reasoning that a coworker dating her father could potentially be a seriously bad thing.
The question this week is not should I date this creep, but what, if anything, should I say to him? I'm thinking maybe something like, "Hi Coworker's Dad. I'm going to assume you meant this as a joke. Ha ha. I think it's best of Coworker doesn't know about this, even though it is a really funny joke. Ha ha. She might not see the humor in it and we do have to work together. Good luck out there. - Trillian"
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
I like looking at a naked man as much as the next hetero woman. Maybe even more than some women. But. I'm not keen on seeing a guy I'm potentially going to date naked before we even meet in person.
Guys, here’s some advice from me to you. Free of charge. Just because you want us girls to post topless photos of ourselves online doesn't mean we want the same from you.
Let's say you’re a guy who spends a lot of time at the gym and you look like one of those old Mr. Atlas ads. Hey, whatever dude, you might want to cultivate a hobby other than the gym. Maybe something a little less self involved...little less brawn, little more brain...anyway, you've got a muscled body. You spend a lot of time working out and you want to show off the results. A lot. To all the world and every woman on online dating sites.
That’s cool. I guess. There are probably girls who will find the photos of your naked physique hot. They might want to meet you. But don’t count on them liking you for what’s inside. But then, maybe that’s not an issue for you. Or them. Paris Hilton’s available again...
But let’s say it is an issue for you. You want a woman who is "thoughtful, caring, intelligent and romantic" Maybe someone like that girl who’s temping down in accounting.
You really need to think about what you want in a relationship and what sort of woman you are hoping to meet. Think about the sort of girl you're hoping to meet. Got a good idea of the sort of person she is? Maybe a mental image or two? Great! Now tailor your profile to show off your qualities which will be interesting to that sort of girl looking for that kind of relationship. I’m not saying lie about yourself. I’m saying highlight your personality qualities and interests which will be of interest to the sort of woman you’ve decided you want to meet.
Posting a half (or near full) naked photo of your muscled body will attract Paris Hilton types who will find your naked muscled body hot. They will seek you out for some gettin’ freaky with Jello-O shots in the hot tub action. And if that’s what you’re hoping to achieve, great. Good luck with that.
But. If you want someone who is "thoughtful, caring, intelligent and romantic" you might want to reconsider your photo options. And you might want to highlight some of your interests outside of the gym. If you don’t have any interests outside of the gym now is the time to spend some time developing something other than your body. Perhaps you could spin this in your profile. “I’m currently exploring some of my interests like geode polishing and touring the Amish country. I’d like to meet someone to share in new experiences and interests” might pique the interest of a "thoughtful, caring, intelligent and romantic" woman who also has interests and hobbies. A photo of your naked body will pique her interest but it won’t be your mind or interest in the Amish country she finds interesting.
And here’s my issue. You’re a buff, muscle bound, gym four hours a day every day kind of guy. Nowhere on your profile do you hint at anything about yourself other than the gym, fitness and your body. You have one (or usually several) half or nearly full naked photos of yourself posted. You’re proud of your body and your muscles. You spend a lot of time with yourself and your muscles. And you want to portray this on your profile. Fine. Cool. Whatever, dude, good luck.
But why the swut are you writing someone like me? Does excessive sweating and weight lifting kill brain cells? Can you actually read? I spell it out for you in my profile. I say I have a demanding job, intellectual hobbies, and I volunteer. Nowhere in there does it say anything about me having the time or interest in spending four hours a day at the gym. Nowhere in there does it say I value buffing up my body more than anything else. Nowhere in there does it say I'm looking for a guy who spends every spare moment in the gym or in the pursuit of his idea of a perfect body. No indication whatsoever that I'm interested in you or seeing your half naked body in my face when I innocently open your profile. Unless you are in fact a personal trainer, and even then...not only is it intimidating, it's weird that you think posting a photo of your half naked body is impressive and a good way to meet women who want something from you other than gettin’ freaky in the hot tub with Jell-O shots.
I'll leave you with this thought: If the best (or only) thing you can say about yourself is that you have an awesome body, you might want to look up the definitions of narcissism, vanity, arrogance, pride and conceit. Going to the gym, working out, trying to be healthy is one thing. Making your body your only source of entertainment and interest is another completely.
Now. Before all you jocks or "naturally buff" guys start saying I'm fitness bashing, get off your bruised ego and realize I'm not anti fitness and health. If you go to the gym a few times a week or play sports or have a physical job, you know darned well I'm not talking about you. And I'm also hoping you have enough of a life outside of the gym to realize posting a half naked photo of yourself is not the way to make a good first impression on that potential "thoughtful, caring, intelligent, romantic" woman you claim to be hoping to meet online.
On the other hand, let's say you're not really the Mr. Atlas type. Let's say you're just, you know, "regular." "Regular" is good. I like "regular." Most women do. "Regular" can be very sexy. Non threatening. Unnarcissistic. (Those are good qualities, by the way.) So why spoil it, why make us think you're egotistical and weird by posting a photo of your half naked self online? Perhaps even worse than the Mr. Atlas types, you've got seemingly no particular reason for showing off that shag carpet you call a chest.
It's not that most of us prefer the Mr. Atlas types, it's that we prefer a man who has more than an ounce decorum and self awareness. Guys, this is first impression time. Whether you're buff, cut and waxed or dull, soft and hirsute, this is not the time or place to reveal that aspect of yourself. If that's the best presentation of yourself you can think of to give to potential dates, you might want re-think your strategy.
Are you honestly trying to find that special someone or are you hoping to get noticed by a producer of low budget porn?
Because that's just it, guys. These half naked snapshots (or worse, ye gads, the "professional" glamour shots of naked men flexing...ewwwwwww on a hetero dating site? ick) rarely give the impression that you're a confident guy comfortable in his skin. They almost always have a very, very seedy quality to them. They almost always make men appear to either be auditioning for porn or looking at it. (You know what I mean, I’m not going into details, but more often than not these guys also sport “something” obviously going on “down there.” Did you hear me say ewwwwwwww? This is not erotic. This makes most of us think, “Why is he sitting around half naked in a state of arousal, and worse, why did he take a photo of himself like this, and worse, who took the photo?)
And then there are the really special cases. Guys, take note. You or someone you know is probably one of these guys. I say this with a high degree of certainty because I see a lot of this type of photograph. I’m especially talking about the guys who post a photo of themselves, half (or maybe more) naked sitting in front of their computers, the phosphorus green/blue glow of the monitor illuminating their chest hair. EWWWWWWWWWWWWW. You know what this says to me and most other women? "Hi, I'm a perv. I spend a lot of time online. Alone. Naked. In a dark room. And I take photos." See where I'm going with this? Do I need to connect the dots for you? Bad imagery all the way around. Bad, bad, bad connotations. Especially when combined with the weird grins most of these guys have on their faces. Double EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.
It occurred to me maybe some of you don't realize the bad connotations these photos emit. Maybe you think, "I wish women would post photos of their boobs. Why don't more women post half naked photos of themselves in their profiles? Don't they know us guys like boobs? Maybe if I do it, set an example, and then email thousands of women, a few of them will get the hint and follow my half naked lead. Men around the world will hail me as a hero and I'll get to see more boobs! It's all good!"
Dude. They make internet porn for this very reason. Go sit in a dark room naked in front of your computer and leave the dating to the other guys.
This is about dating. Not about seeing boobs before you even meet a woman.
And that's my whole point. Regardless of the state of your physique, save something for later. I personally like to know a bit about a guy before I want anything to do with his body. Call me a prude. Call me weird. Call me whatever you want. But. Also call me speaking for a lot of women in this respect. We do not have the same sort of fixation on your chests as you do with ours. We just don't. Yes, we like looking at men. A lot. But when it comes to men we date we want to know they have a sense of decorum. We want to know they respect us and themselves. We don't want our sisters, best friends or coworkers stumbling across our date's half naked photo posted online. Get it? It's embarrassing. It's weird. It's so unnecessary.
And I promise you this: Just because you show me yours does not mean I'll feel obligated or compelled to show you mine.
And you just know that this is all leading up to this week's
I took a break. Left the email alone for a few days. I didn't want to see or think about anything even remotely date related. I was in a sort of licking of wounds state and not in a "hey! Let's meet dozens of new guys who are online right now and waiting to chat with me!" mood.
When I finally opened the mail box, oh man. Oh man alive. I didn't even send any winks or smiles or emails. And yet. My box was brimming with them. That new dating site is full of very, very eager men. Too eager.
Way, way, way too eager.
So eager they obviously didn't read my profile. I waded through hundreds, yes, really, hundreds, of men who were at least 10 years older than my stated desired age range. Most of them 15 years or more. Many more. I swear I'm going to sue the makers of Viagra, Cialis and Levitra. Guys, men, seriously. Leave. Us. Alone. Pick on someone your own age. There are senior dating sites. Use one of those. I thought maybe I innocently stumbled onto one of those "for active mature daters" sites. I even checked to be sure I wasn't misled about the clientele on the site. Nope. It's geared for all ages over 18, nothing about senior dating listed in their “about us” section. And when I search for men in my age range there are plenty there. Yet who contacts me? Men getting ready to retire all hopped up high on Cialis. Can't blame a guy for trying, you say? Bah. This didn't happen before ED drugs were available. Damn you Bob Dole.
Right. So. A bunch of "mature" men.
And this guy.
I read his email twice before checking out his profile. He seemed, you know, sort of okay in his email. He wrote that he likes music and going to concerts and outdoor activities and travel. Hey cool! Me, too! In fact in the last week I’ve listened to music, gone to a concert and traveled to go hiking in the woods! Wow! It’s fate!!! Oh sure, the part about his liking to fish concerned me, especially because I specifically say: No hunters or fisherman, please. But he said he liked my sense of humor and that I look friendly. Okay. See? Now we're getting somewhere. No cliché "I like your smile and eyes." He was able to identify an actual adjective for his perception of my looks. I was sitting there thinking, "Okay, that's it, I'm marrying this guy. As long as he doesn't bring dead fish into the house or insist on telling me about his killing sprees otherwise known as fishing trips I can deal with it. Great. Fine. Job done. Let's check out his profile and email him.
And then I saw "it."
"It" is the photo he chose to use as his profile photo. The image of himself he chose to present to the world and potential dates.
I'm not going to humiliate the guy (or any other guy) by posting his photo for you to see. I'm not trying to humiliate these guys. I'm not on a personal vendetta or rampage against them personally. Well. I mean. Not really. Yes I'm picking them apart in a public forum but I'm leaving out specific details which could in any way narrow down the suspects to him. I’m hoping they, and others like them, will learn from this.
His photo. Oh, where to begin.
There’s no good way to tactfully discuss this. Best to just have out with it.
In his main profile photo he’s: Naked. Not exactly buff. Very hairy. Standing in front of what appears to be one of those metal storage sheds where most people keep their lawn mowers.
With what I calculate to be a 15 foot python snake draped around his neck with him holding the head of the snake in front of his penis.
With me here? The effect I believe he was going for was to imply things like, well, snakes, hands, force and jerking off. Oh. He's also wearing a wide grin. And appears to have some sort of gum disease.
Once I got past the initial "ick" and "please let this be a bad joke" phases I noticed the wood burned cypress sign on the metal shed. You know the kind of signs the retired guys at craft fairs at the mall will make for you, all lacquered and personalized? The kind people have on their cabins and motor homes usually proclaiming "The Andersons" or "Cabin Sweet Cabin?" Well, his said "**'s Snake Shack"
Still clinging to the hope that this was a bad joke, a very bad joke, I read his profile. Yep. There it is:
Wavy screen segueing into vision of the future: The sweet little face of Furry Creature caught in the jaws of that python, his eyes scared and confused, imploring, inferring, why, Trillian, why? I know you were lonely, I did my best to keep you company, really I did. I tried to be a good feline companion. You didn't have to let it come to this...I would have gone back to the shelter...why did you let him feed me to the snake? And naked hairy chest guy standing there grinning.
No. Just. No.
And then I checked out the rest of his profile. Not much there. Not much on details, this guy. However, apparently he feels photos are worth thousands of words. Because he has the maximum amount of photos allowed posted. All featuring his Snake Shack, snakes, fish and him naked or half naked with snakes or dead fish. Apparently he's big on scaly things. Apparently he likes the way scaly things feel against his naked flesh. (that sentence is going to be a hit with Google) Apparently he likes spandex, too. Several of the photos feature him wearing nothing but python and flame decorated spandex, um, "leggings." Yes. As in hair band spandex, erm, those things.
Okay. You know, great for him. He knows what he likes, he's comfortable in his skin and that's all really cool. He's got interests and spends a lot of time pursuing them. Take your passion, make it happen. Great. But maybe not exactly a great match for me.
And after seeing his photos, I found his comment about me looking "friendly" a bit odd. Here's a guy who obviously spends most of his time hanging out with menacing snakes and killing fish. Either he needs a break from all that scary business and found me to be a friendly, non threatening, non carnivorous oasis in his otherwise snake eat man eat fish world or he's thinking I'd be easy prey for the python.
Or, maybe, I've got him all wrong. Maybe he's just new to online dating, got a bit over enthused and carried away with the photos, couldn't decide which ones were best, and well, yeah. Maybe I've got him all wrong. He did write an okay email. He is my age. And once you get past what appears to be gum disease he has a big grin in every photo. He seems happy. Dating a happy scaly creature loving guy with gum disease would be a change for me. Maybe I should give, him, us, a chance. I am trying not to be quick or harsh to judge. I’m trying really hard to meet different sorts of men. Well, he’s different all right. But maybe he’s a really nice guy. Maybe he’s got a good sense of humor. Heck, he grins a lot. Maybe I shouldn’t look the gift horse, or in this case, snake, in the mouth. He thinks I look friendly. That must be important to him. Maybe he doesn’t care that I’m ugly, he just wants someone who looks friendly. I mean, hey, there are worse things than being with a guy who thinks you look friendly, right? I spent a lot of years with a man who thinks I look ugly and that ended badly for everyone. So maybe me and The Snake are onto something good here.
If the naked photos, snake and fishing things are all that’s keeping me from considering meeting this guy, am I being too picky?
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Wow. Has it been a week already?
So many creeps, so little time...
I joined a new online dating site, you know, casting my net wide and all that. The thing about joining an online dating site is the whole fresh meat aspect. The mail box is filled with email from men who spend a lot of time trolling dating sites for fresh meat. One lesson I’ve learned in my online dating adventure is that most of the men who rush to contact you as soon as you join are habitual online dating site trollers.
Okay. Yes, I’m sort of date troller, too. Though I do not spend every spare and not so spare moment hanging out in the chat rooms and propositioning every guy who logs into the system.
Which is what a lot of men do. And when they see fresh meat they pounce.
There are reasons why they pounce: They are desperate, serial daters, pervs or stalkers. Or a combination of all four.
Yes, that’s a huge generalization. I'm sorry. Really. I'm sorry to make that generalization. But take it from one who’s been doing this for a while. Too long of while. (and yes, by some measures I am a serial dater. Not by choice, though, so there’s a difference between me and a person who dates a ton of people because they do not want a long term commitment.) Take it from me: When you first join a dating site those types of men will pounce on your profile. You can take this as flattery if you like, but be warned: They pounce on all new profiles. There are reasons why they've been members for several years and have not yet found Ms. Right.
And yes. To be fair, a few may single you out as special, and of that few a few might really mean it when they say they’ve been waiting for you. You or someone else sort of like you. Or not really even that much like you. Just someone “special.”
Ah yes. Me. Serial dating.
So I had this date last week. With a guy I really, really liked. A non Creep of the Week. This one went straight into the "OH GOD, YES GOD YES, YES, YES!!!!! pile) I thought, you know, maybe. We’d been emailing and talked a few times and we were hitting it off pretty well. Some good laughs, a shared interest in key outlooks and even the same interests and hobbies. We finally got together face to face and, well. Let’s just say I’m still “out there” looking for a man. More disappointment and rejection. Nice guy, super nice guy. Intelligent, funny, sincere, nice...but he’s just not into me. And it wasn't just my stupid new hairstyle. (sigh. look of despair. Eeyore shuffle to the copy room. oh well. i should have known it wouldn’t work. i knew it was too good to be true. i knew he was too good for me. at least he was nice about it. sigh.)
And so to buoy my flagging “enthusiasm” for this whole thing I joined yet another online dating site. If I can't find a man I like, I can at least torture myself with more men with whom I have nothing in common.
So this new dating site. Yikes. Let’s just say I’m in the cooling off period. Waiting for the sharks to get bored at the feeding frenzy of new meat and see who dares to come around with real and serious interest after the sharks have moved on to newer meat and other feeding frenzies.
Consequently there are a lot of creeps this week. Kind of a Dawn of the Dead theme. The men rising from their tombs, I mean profiles, and attacking an innocent traveller who is just passing through town. (me)
But this guy, he’s well, he’s got to be close to the king of the creeps. Why? you ask. What makes him so much more worse, I mean “special” than all the others? Well, because he's the guy everyone thinks you’ll meet online. You know. That guy. The sort of guy your married friends think you’ll meet online. The guy you used to think you’d meet online until you browsed and found some honestly decent men. But he’s not one of those guys. He’s that guy.
I’ve encountered a lot of these guys, but this one, I mean, this one is the epitome of that guy. Name him Larry and put him in a chest wig and tight polyester disco clothes and you’ve got everyone’s worst dating nightmare.
And no. Underneath it all he’s not a nice person.
He’s a jerk. An unaware, egotistical, shallow, chauvenistic, unintelligent, off color joke telling jerk.
And he's
And he wants to date me. Yep. I’m the lucky girl who caught his eye. Well. Me and a lot of other women. Still. He has so far sent me seven emails. Yes. Seven. 7. There’s a thin line between persistence and creepy annoyance. That same thin line between “gosh, I really like her, she’s swell” and obsessive stalking.
A lot of guys are probably sitting there thinking, “Wait a minute, Trill, I thought women like attention. I thought us guys are supposed to shower you with attention and interest. Okay, sure, seven emails is a bit much, but still, I mean, maybe the guy’s just interested and wants you to know how interested he is. Seesh, Trill, you whine about how no man likes you but then when you get one who’s hot for you you’re all bothered by him. Conflicted, much Trill?”
Sigh. Yes. You’re right, I know, this can be so confusing. He obviously wants me to know he’s interested. And that’s nice. But too much is just, well, too much. Just like the guys at bars who won’t take no for answer. The guys who hover more and more with each passing drink. The guys from whom we have to escape via a bathroom window. See my point here? Attention = good. Seven weird emails = creepy stalker.
Or maybe not. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m being too picky. Maybe I’m being too sensitive. Maybe I’ve got him all wrong. Maybe it's me.
Just because his emails read like form letters doesn’t mean he’s a creepy internet stalker, right? Or worse, a real estate agent...
Well, it remains to be seen if he’s a creepy internet stalker, but when I finally looked at his profile I was vindicated in my second guess. “Hot property for you!” is his headline. Just a little real estate humor there. Har har. Very little.
gender: Male
location: ***, IN (of course he’s from Indiana. Cripes. Guys, what’s going on in Indiana? Why are you storming the Illinois border for women? And more to the point, why almost without fail are those of you storming the borders for women jerks? Is it because you’ve been banned from dating in your own state?)
interested In: Activities partners, Romantic encounters, Dating
relationship Status: Single
hair color: Brown
eye color: Brown
height: 5'9" (right, so we’ll assume 5’7”, then?)
body type: Average
religion: Catholic
education: Bachelor's degree
profession: Sales, Real Estate (Natch. Buy hey, at least he’s honest about it. Right?)
Smokes (Oh goody! Another smoker! The thought of the bonus of second hand smoke lung disease along with a super swell guy is almost more than I can dare to imagine!)
Drinks socially / occasionally
has kids: No
wants kids: No
how ** is different
...I’ll treat you like a queen even if you’re only a princess! (Ack! Ick! Run! Run fast and far!) I’m the last of the chivalrous men. (Really? The last one? Huh. Imagine that. And right there in Indiana.) I am equally comfortable in jeans or a tux (Please guys, please, I'm begging you, for the love of Armani, please put this tired cliché to rest. Almost every guy says this exact phrase in his profile. News flash, guys: You’re supposed to be equally comfortable in jeans or a tux, m’kay? This does not make you in any way special. You’re supposed to be mature and intelligent and in possession of enough decorum to know how to dress appropriately for the occasion and be comfortable doing so. Sheesh guys, sheesh. If you’re not comfortable in jeans or a tux you might want to mention that. “I’m not comfortable in a tux or any suit for that matter so if you’re into those hoity toity places and events which require a suit or tux move onto the next guy.” Or, “I do not own a pair of jeans. I refuse to wear them. I do not have a jeans and t-shirt lifestyle. If you like a man in jeans move onto the next guy.” Those are cases worth mentioning in your profile. Exceptions to the norm, insights into your personality and lifestyle. That’s what we’re looking for in your profile. Not tired clichés about fundamental basics of life in the first world.) I am lucky to be successful in a profession which gives me a lot of free time to spoil my women. (yes, plural) I’m in real estate and have a lot of developments in in a wide range of locations (ding ding ding! Score for the woman with the hmmph smirk! Not only “in real estate” but also a developer!) If you don’t want to date me, at least let me put you in a castle of your own! (CHA CHING!!! THIS WEEK’s grand prize winner is Tricia McMillian! She saw through this guy’s “dating” profile and smelled a real estate sales pitch at first glance! Don, what lovely prizes does Ms. McMillian win?! Wellllll, first, Ms. McMillian will spend a weekend driving around the suburban sprawl of Northwest Indiana! She’ll get to look at countless houses and condo developments and attend the exclusive “You and Your Mortgage: How to Finance Your American Dream with High Interest Long Term Balloon Financing Scams!” seminar! And then she’ll get to have dinner with a qualified sales associate who will attempt to bore her pants off and into his king size bed! While there she’ll enjoy porn movies on an 87” plasma television with full stereophonic sound!” I know, I know. At least he’s honest about it. At least he’s very open about it. At least he’s not hiding his intentions and motivations like so many other real estate “associates” do on online dating sites. It’s just. I mean. I don’t know. This is why I’m asking you. Maybe I shouldn’t be so quick to dismiss him.)
about his personality This site offers “in depth” personality testing.
he scores high on:traditional, materialistic, and romantic
and low on: adventurous, easygoing, supportive, independent
Right, so he’s an independent traditional romantic who is uptight, unadventurous, materialistic and unsupportive. Oh boy! Sign me up for a lifetime commitment with this guy!
his interests
Computers / Internet, Dining out, Listening to music, Massage, Movies, My job, Reading the newspaper, Wine and gourmet foods, Business, Dining out, Fitness, Gambling/lotteries, Listening to music, Massage, Movies, My job, Stock market, Watching TV, Traveling
watch sports
Football, Baseball, Basketball, Hockey
pets
i have: none
i like: Dogs,
i don't like: cats
turn-ons/turn-offs
turn-ons: Baby talk, (oooh, ick, I mean, hey, whatever floats your boat) Confidence, Flirting, Goofiness, People with dogs, Piercings, Public displays of affection, Skinny dipping, Sweat, Tan lines, Tattoos, The unexpected
turn-offs: Assertiveness, Facial hair, Power, Sarcasm, Tan lines, Tattoos (Okay, so once again, I have to ask the Universe, why would this guy contact me? Seven times? No, I don’t have facial hair, power, tan lines or tattoos, but I’m assertive (hey, I am when it comes to work) and it’s blatantly obvious in my profile I’m sarcastic, I state that I have a cat and there’s nothing to indicate that I talk baby talk...I mean, why? Why Universe? Why is he contacting me? Seven times, no less? Is there something I’m not catching? Something I don’t see in this guy? Am I missing out on the love of my life here?)
music
Disco, Jazz, Pop, Soft Rock (so, um, should I opt for the AC/DC or Pixies t-shirt for our first date? I’m thinking AC/DC.)
hangouts
My bedroom or yours? (double ugh-accino. Just. Ick. Ick. Ick. Ick. Ick. Ick.)
more about **
i'm picky when it comes to:
Women, guns and cars. (okay....just slowly back away...I hope for his sake this is his idea of a “goofy” joke but based on the rest of his profile (particularly the parental issues and off the chart low easygoing score) this just scares me.)
in my bedroom, you'd find:
A king size bed, a plasma tv, a stereo. (I hate this question, by the way, there’s no good way to answer this either seriously or jokingly, but a lot of sites use it. I guess it’s supposed to be provocative. Yeah. This guy’s king sized bed, plasma tv and stereo are real provocative to me. Wavy vision of the future sequence. Me, being dragged into his bedroom, and in a baby talk voice, “Oooooh, it’s so big! Evweyfing in hewe is so big!” No. Just. No.)
best things i learned from my parents:
How NOT to be a parent. (Oh boy! Issues with a side of bitterness, resentment and disrespect! Woo hoo! Seriously guys, I realize not everyone is as fortunate as me in the parent department. I really do understand this. But. If you’ve got issues with your parents (or an ex, too, I see a lot of ex bashing on profiles) your profile is not the place to air them not only to prospective dates but to the world. If nothing else it’s incredibly disrespectful and this alone casts you in a very, very bad light.)
three things i can't live without:
Food, water, shelter. Is this a stupid question or what?! (Dude, it’s meant to give you a chance to show your introspective or funny side. Redemption for that stupid bedroom question. Apparently that lack of adventure and easygoingness has you all in a muddle over this.)
who** is looking for
An attractive, petite slim woman who oozes confidence. I like blonds (sic) but I’m open to all types of women as long as their (sic) attractive. Big hooters and great gams don’t hurt, either! (ye gads. he really wrote that. I mean, oh never mind.) She should be fun, sensual, romantic and like being spoiled. (For the record, based on his posted photos this guy is not conventionally attractive. Not that I care but just so we're all clear. He's a normal to not so good looking short, overweight balding guy whose criteria in a date is that she's an attractive, slim, petite preferably blonde woman with big hooters and nice gams. Double standard much? Yes. It is. Just pointing that out to those of you playing along at home.)
gender:: Female
age:: 23 to 40 (Natch. To be fair he’s only a few years past 40 so at least he’s not some old letch only considering young girls)
location:: 1000 miles of **, Indiana
looking For:: Romantic encounters, Dating, Committed relationship (um, but, see, he’s not looking for a committed relationship. I see this a lot. Men don’t list that they’re looking for a committed, long term relationship or marriage, yet they want a woman who is looking for those types of relationships. There are obvious conclusions to draw from that, but maybe there’s more to it than the obvious. Help me out with this one guys.)
relationship status:: Single
hair color:: Blond
eye color:: Blue
body type:: Slim
ethnicity:: Caucasian / White, Asian (Natch)
languages:: Any (Hey, she doesn’t have to speak English, any language will do as long as she can talk baby talk.)
religion:: Any
education:: Master's degree, PhD / Post doctoral (um, okay, nowhere in his profile except here does he mention anything remotely indicating he values intelligence, career or education, and yet he specifies a minimum educational requirement of a Master’s degree?)
occupation:: Any
income:: $75,000 to $99,999, $100,000 to $149,999, $150,000+ (oh, and he wants her to be wealthy, too. Go figure. What a shock.)
smoking:: Any
drinking:: Doesn't drink, Drinks socially / occasionally
have children:: No
want children:: No
Right. So this Mr. Wonderful thinks we’re a good match. He “already really likes me” and has sent me seven emails indicating his interest. Three days, seven emails. Not one response from me as yet, by the way. Nothing from me to encourage these emails. Noting from me indicating I'm even remotely interested in him. Nothing. As far as he knows I haven’t even read any of his email or seen his profile. And yet...seven emails from him. Very long albeit generic emails. Mainly vaguely talking about himself and how he’s a very romantic partner and loves spoiling his women. (Yes, plural. Always women, never woman. Freudian slip or unfulfilled fantasy: You be the judge.)
What do you think? Should I give him a chance?
The overwhelming response to the past Creeps of the Week has been: NOOOO! Trillian, don’t do it! Noooooooooo! Please! Date my brother/roommate/coworker/ex husband if you must, he’s a jerk but he’s not that bad!
I’m not kidding when I say these are the best of the worst. Especially this week.
I didn’t put HOT T 4U up for consideration. He’s around my age, recently divorced and looking for a “Hellcat in the sheets.” And then there’s the guy who’s a Belarusian living in Estonia for “reasons familyl” (Don’t laugh, it’s rude. Do you speak Estonian or Belarusian? No? Okay, cut the guy some slack, he's trying to speak English) who apparently “licks Amerikan gyrls” and who “want for me these mamy things.” (seriously, don’t laugh, it’s rude) How low have my already low standards fallen? It’s not the potential communication and distance issues that kept him in the delete pile, but his eagerness to show off several naked photos of himself (with privates blurred) to the world which in the end concerned me enough to delete him. Wavy screen to vision of the future : "Hi Mum and Dad, guess what?! I met this great guy. I know! Finally! He's Belarusian but lives in Estonia and guess what?! He licks American girls! Here's a naked photo of him..."
See? That Hoosier real estate agent isn’t sounding too bad now, is he?
It's all relative. Spend a week sifting through email and looking for men online and the best of the worst start to sound a lot better than they did at first glance.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Back off on the iGuy email, fellas. Sheesh. I don’t expect anything from anyone. I have never expected perfection from anyone. Men or women. I was talking about a manufactured iGuy. And if we’re making a mate, why not make him perfect for our individual tastes, just like we make our iPods perfect for our individual tastes? Just a bit of wistful daydreaming. M’kay? Everybody all clear on that? No more email on the subject, m’kay? You guys might want to do a little thinking about your quick on the trigger defensive reflexes. And, I said I am very aware for every iGuy there is an iGirl. You guys can just go off and program your own perfect iGirl. And we’ll all live happily ever after. Or whatever.
Besides, obviously the iGuy I described is not perfect. He’s lacking some crucial aspects. A sincere desire to watch Cary Grant and Gregory Peck movies with me. A deep philosophical understanding of abstract expressionism, particularly prewar German abstract expressionism. The ability and desire to stay up all night talking about nothing in particular. Genuine love, respect and concern for my cat. And all other animals. His own interests, ideas and viewpoints.
Right. So. No iGuys on the market yet. (Hurry up, Apple, I’m lonely and desperate.) So I’m still trolling for dates online.
It’s time for
There are two best of the worsts this week. A toss up as to how low I’ll go to meet a man.
Bachelor number one wrote me a succinct and correctly spelled email. “I would like to meet you in person. We’ll make a good couple. We’re both tall. ” No. I have not omitted any details. That was the entire email. He apparently believes we’ll make a good couple because we’re both tall. Okay. I mean, I guess, sure, why not? There are probably people in very successful relationships which are based on as little as that, so, let’s take a look at his profile.
No photo.
You know my revised rule. No photo, no communication from me. Not because I care about his looks but because so far in every case the no photo posted men with whom I’ve communicated have very suspicious holes in their stories. Holes which include wedding rings, criminal records or a real estate license and a great buy on a piece of hot property. Further adding to the mystery of Mr. Tall X is an otherwise completely barren “not specified” profile.
About him:
Height: 6’5”
Body type: Not Specified
Hair color: Not Specified
Ethnicity: Not Specified
Looks: Not Specified
Education: Not Specified
Occupation: Not Specified
Income: Not specified
I speak: Not specified
Religion: Not Specified
Relationship status: Not Specified
Children: Not Specified
Wants children: Not Specified
Smoking: Not Specified
Drinking: Not Specified
What he wants in a woman:
Distance: Not Specified
Height: 6’0” to 6’6”
Body type: Not Specified
Hair color: Not Specified
Ethnicity: Not Specified
Education: Not Specified
Occupation: Not Specified
Income: Not Specified
Languages(s): Not Specified
Religion: Not Specified
Relationship status: Not Specified
Children: Not Specified
Wants children: Not Specified
Smoking: Not Specified
Drinking: Not Specified
Distance: Not Specified
Height: Not Specified
Body type: Not Specified
Hair color: Not Specified
Ethnicity: Not Specified
Yes. He took the time to complete the height portions on his profile and didn’t specify anything else about himself or who he wants to date. Should I see his lack of profile detail not as suspicious, baffling, lazy or arrogant, but as intriguing, mysterious and curious? Not as boring or unmotivated, but as a blank canvas waiting for me to bring him to life? I know absolutely nothing about this man except he says he’s 6’5” tall. My brother’s 6’5” tall. I know a lot about him. I wouldn’t want to date him. So maybe knowing nothing about Mr. Tall X is actually a good thing. Maybe in person he’s an enthused conversationalist with a great sense of humor and scintillating ideas, profound thoughts and fascinating stories. Should I pull him from the delete pile and give him a chance?
Bachelor number two: This week’s batch offered a lot of “mature” men. Again. Frustration over this situation led me to give in and consider a few of the way out of my age range guys. There was one, several years my senior, who, well, at first I thought: Maybe. I mean, never say never, try the opposite and all that, right? But further investigation of his profile turned me off big time. Starting with his screen name: Mr. Right. Ugh. Double ugh-a-chino. There are a ton of Mr. Rights on dating sites. These guys go online to find dates and seriously have the ego, audacity and self unawareness to call themselves (some form) of Mr. Right. Without fail a peek at any Mr. Right’s profile indicates an enormous ego, a lot of detail about his physical attributes and those of the women he wants to date. Maybe that’s some women's’ idea of Mr. Right, but not mine. But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m being too picky or too sensitive. Maybe I’m not seeing a great catch when he’s right there on my screen.
His email to me was, you know, nice. Ish. Flattering, I suppose.
“Wow! You’re incredible! What’s a girl like you doing in a place like this? (guys, this “pun” on that tired cliché is a cliché itself, so don’t use it. We hear it in more than half the email we get from men. It’s not clever, unique or funny. But in the interest of seeing every man as a potential date, I kept reading.) Your (sic) to (sic) intelligent and funny to be alone. You need me in your life! (Yep, this guy’s in sales. Probably automotive. “You need this car. What do I have to do to put you in this car today?” “You need me in your life! What do I have to do to put you in my bed today?” And for the record, I’m not alone. I have lots of great family and friends. Single, yes. Alone, no.) I can tell your (sic) adventerous (sic) and passionate (Really? You can tell I’m passionate by my profile? Huh. Funny, there’s nothing to indicate I’m passionate on my profile. No one else ever mentions passionate after looking at my profile. I used to be passionate but not any more. Maybe you’re incredibly perceptive or psychic but I kind of doubt it so let’s assume you’re projecting your desired traits onto me or making huge presumptions and are using your used car selling tactics on me.) Those are two qualities I respect and need in a woman. (Cha ching, right on the first count: Projecting. Already trying to make me what he wants me to be. Calm down, Trill, give the guy a chance, you’re in no position to judge, keep reading.) I am looking for a woman to share romantic getaways with.(sic) I haven’t been interested in long term committment (sic) but now if I find the Miss Right with long term potential I’m finally ready to think about settling down . (“if I find Miss Right...I’m finally ready to think about settling down?” Yeah, you sound real committed to that idea. And, at your age? If you’re really healthy you’ve got maybe 30 years, tops, to devote to a committed relationship. I realize I’m no Spring chicken but our definitions of long term are very different.And aw, gee, what a shame, too. Think of all those girls who won’t get a piece of Mr. Right. I’d really hate to deprive the world of, well, you.) You have many of the qualities I want in a woman. Intelligence, humor, gorgeous smile, passion, (again with the passion? Must be the Cialis talking) and thoughtful. Maybe your (sic) Miss Right! Email me soon because I don’t want to waste time when we could be together. (Translation: I’m getting ready to retire and I’m soon going to need someone to take care of me. You’re young and professionally employed so you’ve got the physical and financial abilities to take care of me.) Don’t let my age get in the way of a very good time. Everyone thinks I’m at least 10 years younger than I am. I don’t look or act my age. (Not exactly a ringing endorsement on your maturity level, there buddy, but I’ll cut you slack and take it in the spirit in which it was intended.) We’ve got a lot going for us and we’ve haven’t even met yet! Think how great it could be in person and email me so we can start having fun.” (oh brother. I mean. Okay. He’s enthused! And upbeat! And trying to make a good impression!)
Okay. I thought: No. No way. And then I thought, well, maybe. He seems to be interested in me. He thinks we’ve got a lot going for us. Do the opposite. So what if he’s gearing up for retirement? I’m not exactly making it big with men my age or even a few years older than me. Sure, I’d really like a financial partner to share building a home and nest egg for our retirement years - together, but you know, hey, chances are I’ll be a spinster or widowed and spend my final years alone anyway. The end result could be the same so since these older men are so interested in me maybe I should explore the option. I’m trying really hard to convince myself this is a good idea. Normally in the delete pile, but maybe I should give him a try.
Height: 6’1”
Body type: Athletic
Hair color: Light Brown
Ethnicity: Latin / Hispanic, Native American, White / Caucasian
Looks: Attractive (and yes, by his photo, for a guy his age he is attractive. And what is the recipe for his attractiveness, you ask? He goes on to provide a very detailed description of his ethnic heritage.)
Education: Bachelors/4-Year Degree
Occupation: Professional/Manager/Supervisor, Sales/Marketing
Income: $100,000 TO $149,999
I speak: English
Religion: Christian - Other, Attend Services Weekly
Relationship status: Single
Children: No
Wants children: No
Smoking: Never
Drinking: Occasionally
Looking for: Dating / Long-term Potential
With a: 26 to 40 -year-old women (only interested in women many years his junior. Letch.)
Distance: within 100 of Chicago
Height: 5’2” to 6’0”
Body type: Slender, Athletic, Average
Hair color: Any
Ethnicity: Doesn't Matter
Education: Bachelors/4-Year Degree to PhD / Doctoral
Occupation: Any
Income: $100,000 TO $250,000+ (That eliminates me...)
Languages(s): English
Religion: Catholic, Christian - Other, Doesn't Matter
Relationship status: Any
Children: No
Wants children: No
Smoking: Never
Drinking: Occasionally
So there we have it. A tall guy about whom I know nothing and an old guy about whom I know way too much. This weeks Creeps of the Week. What ever is a girl to do? How to choose? Maybe if I’m lucky I can finagle dates with both of them! Oh, dare I dream such a wicked and wonderful scenario?
Wednesday, October 19, 2005 Trillian,
I’ve met some really great guys online. They’re out there, Trill. Among all the jerks, liars, booty callers, married men, superficial idiots, geeks and losers, there are some really great guys.I started online dating around the same time you did. I met a lot of jerks but also a lot of nice guys. I kept trying and finally found Mr. Right. So you should keep trying, too. You’re just having really bad luck. Maybe your search criteria is too narrow. Or maybe Chicago is full of jerks, liars, booty callers, married men, superficial idiots, geeks and losers. Is it really that bad? Maybe you should try to meet a great guy from somewhere else and move there.
CattyRemarkable
Thanks, Catty. I’m glad you’re having such great success. Good luck and happy future to you and Mr. Right. I’ve done the long distance relationship thing. Two words: Never again. Well. Never say never and all that. But. Still. I’m not exactly eager to willingly allow myself to pursue a man I can only see once or twice a month at best. I endured it for a long time because I was soooo in love and could endure anything for our future together. In the end I endured a lot of lonely time missing him and ended up with nothing more than a lifetime of lonely time missing him. I'm not exactly eager to get nothing but a broken heart and air miles out of another relationship.
But I will keep trying. I’m just licking my wounds (literally) and sitting back and letting the men approach me, sift through those date candidates and if there’s any honest potential maybe then I’ll try, try again.
The bigger issue you mentioned is my dating demograph. Is it really that bad? Well. It’s not good... I really hate to generalize and paint the entire male population of Chicagoland with an unflattering color of paint, but...
I have encountered a very high number of jerks, liars, booty callers, married men, superficial idiots, geeks and losers. And so have a lot of other women I’ve met who are trying to meet men in Chicagoland. And a lot of men in Indiana who apparently believe they are essentially Chicagoans. It’s “so bad” that there’s an underground network of women behind the scenes on online dating sites who circulate the profiles of the jerks, liars, booty callers, married men, superficial idiots, geeks and losers they’ve met online and dated to warn the rest of of women about the offending jerks, liars, booty callers, married men, superficial idiots, geeks and losers. I assumed this happens everywhere, women looking out for each other and all that. But maybe not. Maybe Chicagoland really is “that bad” that us womenfolk have to band together and form an underground alliance to protect each other from the jerks, liars, booty callers, married men, superficial idiots, geeks and losers roaming the online dating sites in our zip codes.
I was operating under the assumption jerks, liars, booty callers, married men, superficial idiots, geeks and losers came with online dating territory no matter what the zip code. Maybe not. Maybe online dating is not entirely to blame. Maybe it really is a location issue. Two of my worst dates to date - Creepy Perfume Guy and Crash - were not met online but they were Chicagoans. Maybe the male population of Chicagoland is heavily saturated with jerks, liars, booty callers, married men, superficial idiots, geeks and losers.
Oh. And, if we’re taking the online dating factor out of the equation and just looking at the datable pool of men in Chicago we’ll need to factor in the gay male population of Chicago and subtract a high number of men from the available hetero dating pool population.
Right. So. Subtract the gay men and jerks, liars, booty callers, married men, superficial idiots, geeks and losers from the Chicago dating pool and what do you get? Maybe a few elusive men. Guys, if you are not gay or a jerk, liar, booty caller, married, superficial idiot, geek and loser and you’re between the ages of 30 - 50 and looking for a meaningful, long term relationship or marriage, pack your bags and move to Chicago because I know a ton of really great women who would like to meet you. (yes, really, intelligent, employed, sane, funny and yes, pretty women in those age ranges. I look at these women and think, “Okay, if she can’t find a good guy or have decent dates there’s no hope for me. These women are great catches. Really. There’s nothing “wrong” with them except, maybe, their location.)
My definition of loser: One who is one, some or all of the following: a user, a physical or verbal abuser, an addict, a controller, a manipulator, arrogant, vain, lazy, unaware, violent, overly aggressive, disrespectful, rude, or unable to articulate anything about himself or the sort of person he wants to meet.
Wade through the email I get from men via online dating sites, eliminate men who fall in the above categories and that usually leaves about one man per week with any glimmer of hope for enough common ground to even bother meeting in person.
This is not me being picky about what I want in a man. You’re going to have to trust me on this issue. I am not being picky. I am being honest with myself and the men. They frequently put me in the position of having to be picky for them. There has to be some common ground between us, something about his traits and mine, a mutual agreement on what we’re looking for in dating and a potential relationship to even consider meeting in person. Based on their email and profile most of these men don’t want to date me. I am not what they say they’re looking for in a date or woman in general. And yet they send me email.
Guys, seriously, read my swutting profile. Read yours. Realize we’re not meant to be together before you email me. Yes. That age thing is still driving me nuts. But. There are other issues as well. Be aware of yourself. Read. You don’t even have to be perceptive. Just take what we post on our profiles as the truth. If we’re not what you say you want in a woman, or if you're not what we want, don’t email us. Move on to the next profile of a woman, find one who fits your criteria and who lists your traits as desirable and spend your time and dating energy on her.
This is supposed to be about cultivating a relationship. The great thing about online dating is being able to eliminate the incompatibles without having to date or even talk to them. Are men so desperate they’ll email any and every woman they see online no matter what she says she wants in a man and relationship?
I’ve been assuming it’s arrogance and ego which drive men to email a woman far out of their search criteria. I assumed these men are thinking the woman will be so impressed with him they’ll forget all about what they thought they wanted in a man and relationship just for a chance to meet this guy.
But maybe not. Maybe these are desperate men blindly emailing every woman they see online. Wow. Guys. I mean. Wow. I hope for your sake that’s not the case. Maybe you’re a jerk, liar, booty caller, married man, superficial idiot, geek and loser. If so, you might want to work on that/those issue(s) and maybe you won’t be so desperate.
Oh sure, I am a desperate woman. I admit this. I need a husband, badly. Now. My financial situation isn’t getting better, our society is still based on two incomes and I need the financial benefits of marriage and two incomes. Soon. Now. (One more time with feeling, this isn’t gold digging. He doesn’t have to be wealthy. He merely needs a job which enables him to contribute to the household finances.)
Okay. Not a great mindset for finding love and Mr. Right and all that. But. Remember. I’m no longer trying to find love and Mr. Right and all that. I had The Closest I’ll Get to Mr. Right, I’ve experienced real love. It didn’t work out for me. It made me an emotionally void mess of a human being. We’ve covered this ground. I’m not saying my situation is ideal or even good. But. I am very aware of who and how I am and I am very honest about it. I know what I need and I spell it out for men. And yet, still, I am barraged with email from men who a) do not fit any of the criteria I spell out on my profile, b) list criteria on their profiles which I do not possess, and c) are looking for something I clearly say I do not want.
Is it really that bad? Well. I’m not sure. Maybe it’s me. Maybe my perspective is so skewed I’m in no position to accurately observe and report. So you be the judge. The 50 First Date chart only covers what happens on an actual date. I haven’t said much about what goes on before I even get to an actual face to face meeting with a man. (heavy sigh) Maybe it’s me. Really. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I am too picky. Maybe I’m not giving great guys a chance. Maybe I’m losing out on some great dating opportunities.
Want to help me decide if I’m being too picky? I’ll present to you a guy who I would put in the discard pile because it appears to me we’re not meant for each other let alone meant to ever meet face to face. I’ll give you my profile information and exactly what he gives me in terms of information about himself. I put a lot of men in the discard pile. I’ll choose the one with the most possibility of overlooked potential. Yes. I’ll give you the best of the worst matches. I won’t use his actual screen name. You tell me if I should return his email/wink/smile
And so, I present to you,
Okay. This guy sent me a very, very long detailed email. He thinks we’re perfect for each other. I read the mail before I checked out his profile. His email of introduction told me how he’s been trying to find me for years, “even before my divorce I knew I wanted you.” Uh, okay...if I were picky I would have stopped reading and hit delete right there. Right? Apparently his marriage was bad and he was fantasizing about “me.” Which doesn’t warm me to the guy - he wasn’t even divorced and he was already thinking about who he “really” wanted. Okay. I haven’t been in a bad marriage, or any marriage, so maybe I shouldn’t be so quick to judge him on this point. Still. The whole fantasizing about me during his marriage thing is too swutting gross and evil for me. I feel like a homewrecker and I haven't even seen the guy's online dating profile years after his divorce. Why would he want to make me feel like The Other Woman in his failed marriage when he hasn't even met me? Maybe that's me being too picky...It's one thing to have an idea of the type of person with whom you want to share your life, a fantasy mate of sorts. It's another to be already sharing your life with one woman and fantasizing about sharing it with another.
He goes on to detail how funny and intelligent I seem and how he can’t stop looking at my beautiful smile and eyes. Hey, we’ve got a hot one, here! But then he spends the rest of the email telling me how much he hates sarcasm and cynicism and that physical beauty is very important in a healthy relationship.
Okay. You haven’t read my profile. But. I think we can all agree it’s safe to assume it’s a bit sarcastic with cynical undertones. But to give the guy benefit of the doubt in the perception area, I spell out the fact that I am sarcastic right there in my profile. "Sarcastic, sometimes dark sense of humor." Dude, you hate sarcasm and I state very clearly in my profile that I am sarcastic. Why would he not Next! me after discovering I’m sarcastic? Please, someone, I’m begging you, please explain this to me.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and if he finds me attractive that’s great, lucky me. But, somehow I doubt a guy who can only find the most basic features of smile and eyes beautiful will be wowed by my less than attractive appearance. Maybe I’m wrong about this. But. I’m thinking if he found me attractive enough to have a “healthy relationship” he would have mentioned something other than my smile and eyes. Maybe not. Maybe he’s a smile and eyes guy. After all, he thinks his best feature is his butt.
Let’s talk about his criteria. He’s 44 and wants an 18 - 30-year-old woman. We can all connect the dots about what those numbers say about him. Hey, whatever, good luck with that. I'm not judging his cliche hot young babe with older man complex. But. Here’s the weird part. (at least to me, again, someone please explain this to me) I am not an 18 - 30-year-old woman. I am younger than him, but not in his desired age range. Since I am not in his desired age range why would he waste any time with me?
And, why would he risk offending me by contacting me when I am not in his desired age range? The message I get from this is: "I’m not having a lot of luck with the 18 - 30-year-olds right now and I saw your profile and you seem desperate so I could date you until I find an 18 - 30-year-old who wants to date me." Am I way off base with that assumption? Is it my sensitivity and lack of self esteem kicking in or would most other over 30 women feel “concerned” about dating and possibly ending up liking a guy who clearly states he wants an 18 - 30-year-old woman? The vision I get is one of us out on dates with him ogling every 18 - 30-year-old petite blonde he sees. Maybe that's me being insecure. But. The reason I'm insecure is because he swutting says he's interested in 18 - 30-year-old women! I believe him. I'm trusting him to be honest. And therefore I'm working on the assumption he wants an 18 - 30-year-old woman.
Right. Okay. Next. He’s a “cigar afficionado.” I state NO WAY on the smoking portion of my profile. Clear up the confusion for me, please. He smokes. I don’t. I state I do not want to date a smoker. So why would he contact me? Maybe he’s thinking he wants to quit and I’m so spectacular he’ll quit for me. Okay. Maybe. But he doesn’t drink alcohol. And states he does not want his partner to drink alcohol. I state that I drink alcohol. Is he assuming I’ll think he’s so great I’ll give up alcohol for him? Why would he assume that?
Next. He wants a woman who is blonde and between 5’0” and 5’7”. Sure, I have blonde highlights, but I am a brunette. I have photos posted which show me as a brunette. I list my height as 5’11”. I realize many men lie about their height. Add a few inches thinking no one will ever notice. Guys. We notice all your lies about “height.” Okay? Deal with what you’ve been given, accept it and move on with the rest of your life. So maybe guys assume since they lie about their height women do, too. Most of us do not. I am 4” taller than the tallest woman he wants to date. Why is he contacting me? Why Universe, why?
And let's just say he's open to the idea of a taller woman. Again: Why would he contact me?
I state that I live in Chicago. The site calculates we live 76 miles apart from each other. He says he works long hours, doesn’t like to travel, is a homebody and likes to relax at home. Okay, that’s cool. I totally understand. Sometimes I want to go home and go straight to bed. I get it. I really do. But what I don’t get is why he’d even consider looking at profiles of women who live more than 10 miles away from him. Profiles of women who state they like to travel to far away places. Profiles of women who state they do not have a car and prefer to meet men within the confines of the city limits. Help me understand. Is the assumption that he’s so fantastic I’ll be eager to schlep 76 miles to his beloved house in Indiana to “relax” and be a homebody with him? And more confusing to me: Why would he pursue a woman who states she loves to travel and lists several very far away places she wants to visit when he states that he’s seen all of the world he wants to see? Northwest Indiana is not a far away place for me. It is not on my list of places I want to visit.
What would make him think a guy like him and a girl like me are a perfect match for each other? What am I not understanding? He thinks we’re a great match. I think we’re two people whose paths should never cross. Me: Nonsmoking, travel loving, alcohol drinking, motorcycle fearing, tall, brunette sarcastic cat person. (okay, to be fair, he didn’t know I fear motorcycles) Him: Cigar smoking, travel hating, non alcohol drinking, Harley riding, petite blonde loving, sarcasm hating dog person. Seems obvious to me we’re not a match made anywhere other than Hell.
But before I hit the delete key I’m offering him up for review because he’s so darned convinced we’re perfect for each other that I feel like I must not understand something. I might be missing out on the dating opportunity of a lifetime by deleting him. You, Universe, you tell me what you think about the possibility of the two of us dating. Tell me what I don’t understand. Help me see what he sees. Explain to me why I should take the time to communicate with this guy or even go on a date with him. And yes, he is the best of the worst this week.
Some of his profile: (a few items deleted to protect his identity)
I am a: 44 yr old man
located in: ****, Indiana (50+ miles from me)
looking for: 18 to 30-year old woman
within 9999 miles of ******, Indiana (seriously, this homebody, travel hating guy states he's interested in women 9,999 miles of his beloved home)
relationships: Divorced
ethnicity: White / Caucasian
height: 6’ 1” (180.3 cms)
About me and who I'd like to date I’m looking for the right woman to have a family with. I want children with the right woman. She is 18 - 30 years old, slim, petite and preferably blond and blue eyed. She must love dogs.
My appearance
best feature: Butt
Interests
for fun: I work long hours so I like to relax at home. I’ve seen all of the world I want to see and do not like traveling. I am a homebody. For fun I like to play with my dogs. You must love dogs if you want to date me. You must also like motorcycles. I have a Harley and like to ride it.
favorite hot spots: I am a homebody. I don’t drink and I don’t like hot spots.
favorite things: My dogs. My Harley. My job. My house.
last read: DaVnici (sic) Code.
Lifestyle
exercise habits: Exercise 3-4 times per week
daily diet: Meat and potatoes
smoke: Cigar aficionado
drink: I don’t drink
job: Sales
for fun: I work long hours so I like to relax at home. I’ve seen all of the world I want to see and do not like traveling. I am a homebody. For fun I like to play with my dogs. You must love dogs if you want to date me. I do not want to raise someone elses (sic) children or deal with someone elses (sic) problems. If your (sic) divorced or have children I don’t want to date you. If you do not have children you should know I am open to the idea of a family and would like to have children. Thats (sic) why it’s good I’ve seen all I want to see in the world and I am happy to stay home all the time with my children. (His children? We don’t even have any yet and they’re already his children? There's no I in parenthood, buddy.)
income: $75,001 to $100,000
my place: Live with pets
have kids: None
want kids: Undecided (I know. He's undecided about having children but wants 2)
how many: 2
pets:
I have: Dogs
Background/Values
faith: Christian / Catholic
education: Bachelors degree
politics: Conservative
About My Date
hair: Blond
eyes: Blue, Green
height: 5’ 0” (173.0 cms) to 5’ 7” (211.0 cms)
body type: Slender
languages: English
ethnicity: White / Caucasian, Asian
faith: Christian
education: High school, Some college, Associates degree, Bachelors degree, Graduate degree, PhD / Post Doctoral
job: Any
income: Any
smoke: No Way, Occasionally, Daily
drink: I don’t drink alcohol
relationships: Never married (Oh sure, it's okay for him to be divorced but the woman he dates must not have any marital history. Okay. Maybe that's an instance of me being too picky. Does that double standard bother anyone other than me?)
have kids: No
want kids: Undecided
turn-ons: Long hair, Skinny dipping, Dancing, Boldness / Assertiveness, Candlelight
turn-offs: Boldness / Assertiveness, Dancing, Flirting, Public displays of affection, Sarcasm
