Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.

Otherwise, hello, and welcome.
Mail Trillian here<





Join Zipcar and get $25 in free driving!

Trillian McMillian
Trillian McMillian
Create Your Badge





www.flickr.com





Instagram






Women, The Internet and You: Tips for Men Who Use Online Dating Sites
Part I, Your Profile and Email

Part II, Selecting a Potential Date

Part III, Your First Date!

Part IV, After the First Date. Now What?


"50 First Dates"






Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.

Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Find Federal Officials
Enter ZIP Code:

or Search by State

Find State Officials
Enter ZIP Code:

or Search by State

Contact The Media
Enter ZIP Code:

or Search by State





Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)

Quasar
Hyperbole
Amenable
Taciturn
Ennui
Prophetic
Tawdry
Hubris
Ethereal
Syzygy
Umbrageous
Twerp
Sluice
Omnipotent
Sanctuary
Malevolent
Maelstrom
Luddite
Subterfuge
Akimbo
Hoosegow
Dodecahedron
Visceral
Soupçon
Truculent
Vitriol
Mercurial
Kerfuffle
Sangfroid




























 







Archives
<< current
ARCHIVES
4/27/03 - 5/4/03 5/4/03 - 5/11/03 8/3/03 - 8/10/03 8/10/03 - 8/17/03 8/17/03 - 8/24/03 8/24/03 - 8/31/03 8/31/03 - 9/7/03 9/7/03 - 9/14/03 9/14/03 - 9/21/03 9/21/03 - 9/28/03 9/28/03 - 10/5/03 10/5/03 - 10/12/03 10/12/03 - 10/19/03 10/19/03 - 10/26/03 10/26/03 - 11/2/03 11/2/03 - 11/9/03 11/9/03 - 11/16/03 11/16/03 - 11/23/03 11/23/03 - 11/30/03 11/30/03 - 12/7/03 12/7/03 - 12/14/03 12/14/03 - 12/21/03 12/21/03 - 12/28/03 12/28/03 - 1/4/04 1/4/04 - 1/11/04 1/11/04 - 1/18/04 1/18/04 - 1/25/04 1/25/04 - 2/1/04 2/1/04 - 2/8/04 2/8/04 - 2/15/04 2/15/04 - 2/22/04 2/22/04 - 2/29/04 2/29/04 - 3/7/04 3/7/04 - 3/14/04 3/14/04 - 3/21/04 3/21/04 - 3/28/04 3/28/04 - 4/4/04 4/4/04 - 4/11/04 4/11/04 - 4/18/04 4/18/04 - 4/25/04 4/25/04 - 5/2/04 5/2/04 - 5/9/04 5/9/04 - 5/16/04 5/16/04 - 5/23/04 5/23/04 - 5/30/04 6/6/04 - 6/13/04 6/13/04 - 6/20/04 6/20/04 - 6/27/04 6/27/04 - 7/4/04 7/4/04 - 7/11/04 7/11/04 - 7/18/04 7/18/04 - 7/25/04 7/25/04 - 8/1/04 8/1/04 - 8/8/04 8/8/04 - 8/15/04 8/15/04 - 8/22/04 8/22/04 - 8/29/04 8/29/04 - 9/5/04 9/5/04 - 9/12/04 9/12/04 - 9/19/04 9/19/04 - 9/26/04 9/26/04 - 10/3/04 10/3/04 - 10/10/04 10/10/04 - 10/17/04 10/17/04 - 10/24/04 10/24/04 - 10/31/04 10/31/04 - 11/7/04 11/14/04 - 11/21/04 11/21/04 - 11/28/04 11/28/04 - 12/5/04 12/5/04 - 12/12/04 12/12/04 - 12/19/04 12/19/04 - 12/26/04 12/26/04 - 1/2/05 1/2/05 - 1/9/05 1/9/05 - 1/16/05 1/16/05 - 1/23/05 1/23/05 - 1/30/05 1/30/05 - 2/6/05 2/6/05 - 2/13/05 2/13/05 - 2/20/05 2/20/05 - 2/27/05 2/27/05 - 3/6/05 3/6/05 - 3/13/05 3/13/05 - 3/20/05 3/20/05 - 3/27/05 3/27/05 - 4/3/05 4/3/05 - 4/10/05 4/10/05 - 4/17/05 4/17/05 - 4/24/05 4/24/05 - 5/1/05 5/1/05 - 5/8/05 5/15/05 - 5/22/05 6/5/05 - 6/12/05 7/24/05 - 7/31/05 7/31/05 - 8/7/05 8/7/05 - 8/14/05 8/14/05 - 8/21/05 8/21/05 - 8/28/05 9/4/05 - 9/11/05 9/11/05 - 9/18/05 9/18/05 - 9/25/05 9/25/05 - 10/2/05 10/2/05 - 10/9/05 10/9/05 - 10/16/05 10/16/05 - 10/23/05 10/23/05 - 10/30/05 10/30/05 - 11/6/05 11/6/05 - 11/13/05 11/13/05 - 11/20/05 11/20/05 - 11/27/05 12/4/05 - 12/11/05 12/11/05 - 12/18/05 1/1/06 - 1/8/06 1/8/06 - 1/15/06 1/15/06 - 1/22/06 1/22/06 - 1/29/06 1/29/06 - 2/5/06 2/5/06 - 2/12/06 2/12/06 - 2/19/06 2/19/06 - 2/26/06 2/26/06 - 3/5/06 3/5/06 - 3/12/06 3/12/06 - 3/19/06 3/19/06 - 3/26/06 3/26/06 - 4/2/06 4/2/06 - 4/9/06 4/9/06 - 4/16/06 4/23/06 - 4/30/06 4/30/06 - 5/7/06 5/7/06 - 5/14/06 5/14/06 - 5/21/06 5/21/06 - 5/28/06 6/11/06 - 6/18/06 6/18/06 - 6/25/06 6/25/06 - 7/2/06 7/2/06 - 7/9/06 7/30/06 - 8/6/06 9/10/06 - 9/17/06 9/17/06 - 9/24/06 10/8/06 - 10/15/06 10/29/06 - 11/5/06 11/5/06 - 11/12/06 11/12/06 - 11/19/06 11/26/06 - 12/3/06 12/3/06 - 12/10/06 12/17/06 - 12/24/06 12/24/06 - 12/31/06 12/31/06 - 1/7/07 1/21/07 - 1/28/07 1/28/07 - 2/4/07 2/4/07 - 2/11/07 2/11/07 - 2/18/07 2/18/07 - 2/25/07 2/25/07 - 3/4/07 3/4/07 - 3/11/07 3/11/07 - 3/18/07 3/18/07 - 3/25/07 3/25/07 - 4/1/07 6/24/07 - 7/1/07 7/1/07 - 7/8/07 7/8/07 - 7/15/07 7/15/07 - 7/22/07 7/22/07 - 7/29/07 7/29/07 - 8/5/07 8/5/07 - 8/12/07 8/12/07 - 8/19/07 8/19/07 - 8/26/07 8/26/07 - 9/2/07 9/9/07 - 9/16/07 9/16/07 - 9/23/07 9/23/07 - 9/30/07 9/30/07 - 10/7/07 10/7/07 - 10/14/07 10/14/07 - 10/21/07 11/4/07 - 11/11/07 11/11/07 - 11/18/07 12/9/07 - 12/16/07 1/6/08 - 1/13/08 1/13/08 - 1/20/08 1/27/08 - 2/3/08 2/3/08 - 2/10/08 2/10/08 - 2/17/08 2/24/08 - 3/2/08 3/2/08 - 3/9/08 3/9/08 - 3/16/08 3/16/08 - 3/23/08 3/23/08 - 3/30/08 3/30/08 - 4/6/08 4/6/08 - 4/13/08 4/13/08 - 4/20/08 4/20/08 - 4/27/08 4/27/08 - 5/4/08 5/4/08 - 5/11/08 5/11/08 - 5/18/08 5/18/08 - 5/25/08 5/25/08 - 6/1/08 6/1/08 - 6/8/08 6/15/08 - 6/22/08 6/22/08 - 6/29/08 6/29/08 - 7/6/08 7/13/08 - 7/20/08 7/20/08 - 7/27/08 8/3/08 - 8/10/08 8/10/08 - 8/17/08 8/17/08 - 8/24/08 8/24/08 - 8/31/08 8/31/08 - 9/7/08 9/7/08 - 9/14/08 9/21/08 - 9/28/08 9/28/08 - 10/5/08 10/5/08 - 10/12/08 10/12/08 - 10/19/08 10/19/08 - 10/26/08 10/26/08 - 11/2/08 11/2/08 - 11/9/08 11/9/08 - 11/16/08 11/16/08 - 11/23/08 11/30/08 - 12/7/08 12/7/08 - 12/14/08 12/14/08 - 12/21/08 12/28/08 - 1/4/09 1/4/09 - 1/11/09 1/11/09 - 1/18/09 1/18/09 - 1/25/09 2/1/09 - 2/8/09 2/8/09 - 2/15/09 2/15/09 - 2/22/09 3/29/09 - 4/5/09 5/3/09 - 5/10/09 5/10/09 - 5/17/09 5/17/09 - 5/24/09 5/24/09 - 5/31/09 5/31/09 - 6/7/09 6/7/09 - 6/14/09 6/14/09 - 6/21/09 7/12/09 - 7/19/09 7/19/09 - 7/26/09 7/26/09 - 8/2/09 8/2/09 - 8/9/09 8/9/09 - 8/16/09 8/16/09 - 8/23/09 8/23/09 - 8/30/09 8/30/09 - 9/6/09 9/20/09 - 9/27/09 9/27/09 - 10/4/09 10/4/09 - 10/11/09 10/11/09 - 10/18/09 10/18/09 - 10/25/09 10/25/09 - 11/1/09 11/1/09 - 11/8/09 11/8/09 - 11/15/09 11/15/09 - 11/22/09 11/22/09 - 11/29/09 11/29/09 - 12/6/09 12/6/09 - 12/13/09 12/13/09 - 12/20/09 12/20/09 - 12/27/09 12/27/09 - 1/3/10 1/3/10 - 1/10/10 1/10/10 - 1/17/10 1/17/10 - 1/24/10 1/24/10 - 1/31/10 1/31/10 - 2/7/10 2/7/10 - 2/14/10 2/14/10 - 2/21/10 2/21/10 - 2/28/10 3/14/10 - 3/21/10 3/21/10 - 3/28/10 3/28/10 - 4/4/10 4/4/10 - 4/11/10 4/11/10 - 4/18/10 4/18/10 - 4/25/10 4/25/10 - 5/2/10 5/2/10 - 5/9/10 5/9/10 - 5/16/10 5/16/10 - 5/23/10 5/23/10 - 5/30/10 5/30/10 - 6/6/10 6/6/10 - 6/13/10 6/13/10 - 6/20/10 6/20/10 - 6/27/10 6/27/10 - 7/4/10 7/4/10 - 7/11/10 7/11/10 - 7/18/10 7/18/10 - 7/25/10 7/25/10 - 8/1/10 9/19/10 - 9/26/10 10/3/10 - 10/10/10 10/10/10 - 10/17/10 10/17/10 - 10/24/10 10/24/10 - 10/31/10 10/31/10 - 11/7/10 11/14/10 - 11/21/10 11/28/10 - 12/5/10 12/5/10 - 12/12/10 12/12/10 - 12/19/10 12/19/10 - 12/26/10 12/26/10 - 1/2/11 1/2/11 - 1/9/11 1/9/11 - 1/16/11 1/16/11 - 1/23/11 1/23/11 - 1/30/11 1/30/11 - 2/6/11 2/6/11 - 2/13/11 2/13/11 - 2/20/11 2/20/11 - 2/27/11 2/27/11 - 3/6/11 3/6/11 - 3/13/11 3/13/11 - 3/20/11 3/20/11 - 3/27/11 3/27/11 - 4/3/11 4/3/11 - 4/10/11 4/10/11 - 4/17/11 4/17/11 - 4/24/11 4/24/11 - 5/1/11 5/1/11 - 5/8/11 5/15/11 - 5/22/11 5/22/11 - 5/29/11 5/29/11 - 6/5/11 6/12/11 - 6/19/11 6/19/11 - 6/26/11 6/26/11 - 7/3/11 7/10/11 - 7/17/11 7/31/11 - 8/7/11 8/21/11 - 8/28/11 8/28/11 - 9/4/11 9/18/11 - 9/25/11 9/25/11 - 10/2/11 10/2/11 - 10/9/11 10/9/11 - 10/16/11 10/16/11 - 10/23/11 10/23/11 - 10/30/11 11/6/11 - 11/13/11 11/13/11 - 11/20/11 11/20/11 - 11/27/11 11/27/11 - 12/4/11 12/4/11 - 12/11/11 12/11/11 - 12/18/11 12/25/11 - 1/1/12 1/1/12 - 1/8/12 2/5/12 - 2/12/12 2/19/12 - 2/26/12 3/4/12 - 3/11/12 4/1/12 - 4/8/12 4/15/12 - 4/22/12 4/29/12 - 5/6/12 5/13/12 - 5/20/12 5/20/12 - 5/27/12 6/24/12 - 7/1/12 7/1/12 - 7/8/12 7/8/12 - 7/15/12 7/15/12 - 7/22/12 7/22/12 - 7/29/12 7/29/12 - 8/5/12 8/5/12 - 8/12/12 8/12/12 - 8/19/12 8/19/12 - 8/26/12 8/26/12 - 9/2/12 9/2/12 - 9/9/12 9/9/12 - 9/16/12 9/16/12 - 9/23/12 9/23/12 - 9/30/12 10/7/12 - 10/14/12 10/21/12 - 10/28/12 11/4/12 - 11/11/12 12/9/12 - 12/16/12 12/23/12 - 12/30/12 1/6/13 - 1/13/13 1/13/13 - 1/20/13 1/20/13 - 1/27/13 1/27/13 - 2/3/13 2/3/13 - 2/10/13 2/10/13 - 2/17/13 2/17/13 - 2/24/13 3/3/13 - 3/10/13 3/17/13 - 3/24/13 3/31/13 - 4/7/13 4/7/13 - 4/14/13 4/21/13 - 4/28/13 4/28/13 - 5/5/13 5/5/13 - 5/12/13 5/12/13 - 5/19/13 5/19/13 - 5/26/13 6/16/13 - 6/23/13 6/23/13 - 6/30/13 7/14/13 - 7/21/13 8/11/13 - 8/18/13 8/25/13 - 9/1/13 9/8/13 - 9/15/13 9/22/13 - 9/29/13 10/13/13 - 10/20/13 10/20/13 - 10/27/13 11/10/13 - 11/17/13 12/1/13 - 12/8/13 12/15/13 - 12/22/13 12/29/13 - 1/5/14 6/29/14 - 7/6/14 9/14/14 - 9/21/14 9/21/14 - 9/28/14 10/12/14 - 10/19/14 11/23/14 - 11/30/14 12/7/14 - 12/14/14 12/28/14 - 1/4/15 1/25/15 - 2/1/15 2/8/15 - 2/15/15 2/22/15 - 3/1/15 3/8/15 - 3/15/15 3/15/15 - 3/22/15 3/22/15 - 3/29/15 4/12/15 - 4/19/15 4/19/15 - 4/26/15 5/3/15 - 5/10/15 5/17/15 - 5/24/15 5/24/15 - 5/31/15 6/14/15 - 6/21/15 6/28/15 - 7/5/15 7/5/15 - 7/12/15 7/19/15 - 7/26/15 8/16/15 - 8/23/15 11/6/16 - 11/13/16



Highlights from the Archives. Some favorite Trillian moments.

Void, Of Course: Eliminating Expectations and Emotions for a Better Way of Life

200i: iPodyssey

Macs Are from Venus, Windows is from Mars Can a relationship survive across platform barriers?
Jerking Off

Get A Job

Office Church Ladies: A Fieldguide

'Cause I'm a Blonde

True? Honestly? I think not.

A Good Day AND Funyuns?

The Easter Boy

Relationship in the Dumpster

Wedding Dress 4 Sale, Never Worn

Got Friends? Are You Sure? Take This Test

What About Class? Take This Test

A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away, There Was a Really Bad Movie

May Your Alchemical Process be Complete. Rob Roy Recipe

Good Thing She's Not in a Good Mood Very Often (We Knew it Wouldn't Last)

What Do I Have to Do to Put You in this Car Today?

Of Mice and Me (Killer Cat Strikes in Local Woman's Apartment)

Trillian: The Musical (The Holiday Special)

LA Woman (I Love (Hate) LA)

It is my Cultureth
...and it would suit-eth me kindly to speak-eth in such mannered tongue

Slanglish

It's a Little Bit Me, It's a Little Bit You
Blogging a Legacy for Future Generations


Parents Visiting? Use Trillian's Mantra!

Ghosts of Christmas Past: Mod Hair Ken

Caught Blogging by Mom, Boss or Other

2003 Holiday Sho-Lo/Mullet Awards

Crullers, The Beer Store and Other Saintly Places

Come on Out of that Doghouse! It's a Sunshine Day!

"...I had no idea our CEO is actually Paula Abdul in disguise."

Lap Dance of the Cripple

Of Muppets and American Idols
"I said happier place, not crappier place!"

Finally Off Crutches, Trillian is Emancipated

Payless? Trillian? Shoe Confessions

Reality Wednesday: Extremely Local Pub

Reality Wednesday: Backstage Staging Zone (The Sweater Blog)

The Night Secret Agent Man Shot My Dad

To Dream the Impossible Dream: The Office Karaoke Party

Trillian Flies Economy Class (Prisoner, Cell Block H)

Trillian Visits the Village of the Damned, Takes Drugs, Becomes Delusional and Blogs Her Brains Out

Trillian's Parents are Powerless

Striptease for Spiders: A PETA Charity Event (People for the Ethical Treatment of Arachnids)

What's Up with Trillian and the Richard Branson Worship?

"Screw the French and their politics, give me their cheese!"


















 
Mail Trillian here





Trillian's Guide to the Galaxy gives 5 stars to these places in the Universe:
So much more than fun with fonts, this is a daily dose of visual poetry set against a backdrop of historical trivia. (C'mon, how can you not love a site that notes Wolfman Jack's birthday?!)

CellStories

Alliance for the Great Lakes


Hot, so cool, so cool we're hot.

Ig Nobel Awards

And you think YOU have the worst bridesmaid dress?

Coolest Jewelry in the Universe here (trust Trillian, she knows)

Red Tango

If your boss is an idiot, click here.

Evil Cat Full of Loathing.

Wildlife Works

Detroit Cobras


The Beachwood Reporter is better than not all, but most sex.



Hey! Why not check out some great art and illustration while you're here? Please? It won't hurt and it's free.

Shag

Kii Arens

Tim Biskup

Jeff Soto

Jotto




Get Fuzzy Now!
If you're not getting fuzzy, you should be. All hail Darby Conley. Yes, he's part of the Syndicate. But he's cool.





Who or what is HWNMNBS: (He Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken) Trillian's ex-fiancé. "Issues? What issues?"







Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.


< chicago blogs >





Reading blogs at work? Click to escape to a suitable site!

Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains





























Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero

 
Wednesday, May 01, 2013  
There are different schools of thought on the subject of words said while under the influence of alcohol. One school believes that alcohol is a truth serum. Another school believes that alcohol is a brain poison.

I lean toward the poison school of thought. I tend to dismiss drunken words before the night concludes. "Meh, it was the alcohol talking, she doesn't really want to be a stripper."

But.

Alcohol does lower inhibitions. So yes, in some cases, people have the fortitude to say things they would not normally have the nerve to say. "Wow. I knew she had some resentment about her husband's affection toward their dog, but I had no idea things were that weird and that bad..."

My rule of thumb is to factor in the number and types of drinks imbibed when deciding on the truthfulness of an alcohol induced comment. A breathalyzer of sorts.
Two beers or glasses of wine or less = true.
Two regular sized mixed drinks (one 1.5 oz. shot) of vodka, gin, rum, scotch = probably true, depending on the proof of the booze and whether or not it was diluted with ice and/or a mixer.
Anything said after ingesting more alcohol than that, especially alcohol with a high proof = probably not true.
...with the exception of really bizarre confessions that are just too weird and out of character to be anything other than true.

So, a friend had two glasses of Scotch, neat, followed by a third Scotch and soda on the rocks. Inhibitions: Definitely lowered. To the point nothing but silliness is being spoken? Gray area.

I also have the same rule of thumb for hearing and accurate memory while imbibing alcohol. If I've had more than two drinks I don't allow myself to presume that I heard (and correctly remember) what other people said during the time I was ingesting alcohol.

So, to set the stage, I had one Scotch, neat, and another over a lot of rocks that were nearly melted before I drank it.

My friend, three drinks downed, said, "Face it Trill, no one wants to marry you or even date you, no one wants to hire you. You're not getting any younger. Your best years are behind you and your future is looking alarmingly dreadful. What's the point to your life from here on out?"

Um.

Okay.

It's not as if I don't think this myself at least once an hour every day, so, you know, the words didn't come as a shock. It was just weird to hear them spoken in voice other than the one in my head. 

This is one of my nice friends. A friend who isn't living a Stepford paradise life. So I chose to take her question not as rhetorical criticism, but as a genuine friendly inquiry. I chose to presume that she thought I have the point to my life figured out and she was asking me to explain it to her. Worst case scenario: she's concerned about and for me.

Unfortunately, I don't have an answer because I have no clue what the point to my life is, now that every goal and desire I had didn't happen and won't happen. Career-wise, it's looking like I peaked. Man-wise, well, that just never happened and it's too late now. But she was three drinks down and whatever I said next really didn't matter. I could start talking about purple flying horses and listening to the vibrations of fossils and she wouldn't remember or care the next day.

So I shrugged and said, "From here on out the choices for the point of my life are not what I thought they would be at this juncture. So, I dunno. Charity work? French lessons? Cats?"

She gave me a surprisingly quick and on point response: "Sssssereesly, Trill, you have to ssstttp making a sjoke of evreeething and get your shit together." 

Me, suddenly very sober, facing my now sloppier drunk friend, "Instead of stating the obvious, how about offering constructive advice?"

Silence.

I stumped the drunk.

We each had another drink and I took her back to her hotel. Somewhere en route she removed her shoes, further cluing me into the level of her intoxication. I tried to warn her, I am a good friend that way. I did say, "We're in a cab. A filthy cab. If you take off your shoes you'll be barefooted in a filthy cab. And when we get out of the cab you'll be barefooted on even filthier city street."

She thought about that for a moment and said, "Whatever germs my feet touch won't hurt me as much as these heels."

Score one for the drunk woman. Maybe she wasn't as drunk as I thought, which called her earlier comments into question: Maybe she wasn't just blathering drunk nonsense after all. In which case, I should be...what? Incensed? Offended? Hurt? Angry? Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.

She couldn't remember her room number, so I asked the front desk and got her to her room. While I used her bathroom she broke into the mini-bar. Again, I tried to warn her, "NO! DO NOT OPEN THAT!!! THAT TWO OUNCE BOTTLE OF VODKA WILL COST YOU $18!!!!" I was too late. A mini bottle of vodka was being poured into a glass of juice. Oh crap. She opened a $10 bottle of juice. The hangover's going to be bad, but the mini-bar bill at checkout is going to be worse. I was the relatively sober one so I felt responsible for the $28 Screwdriver.

She then poured half the drink into another glass and extended it to me. I declined. My experience has shown that there is no glasnost between Scotland and Russia and I was sober enough to recall that and adamantly refuse the vodka.

And then my friend said, "So'kay. You want advice? I'll give you advice." And she belted down one of the glasses of Screwdriver.

Oh. Whoa. Wait a minute.

"Naw, it's okay. I'm good. I know what I need to do. I just need to get a job and get my career back on track. It's all good. I'm working on it. Really."

She blew slobbery raspberries at me. "Career schmeer. This is what you need to do."

*******************The following is rated PG-13 and NSFW***********************

She yanked off her top and revealed:
a) She's going bra-less these days
b) She had a boob job, including
c) areola tattooing ("tittooing")

You may be thinking, "Um, Trillian? How do you know she had a boob job and tittooing? You would have to have seen the 'before' to accurately assess modification."

This friend and I go way back. We've gone to a lot of concerts, including some long weekend festivals. We've slept in some strange places and stood guard for each other while changing clothes and/or peeing in some unconventional places. You get to know a gal under those circumstances.

We're both whiter than white - we'd have to spend a year carefully building up a tan in the South Pacific just to achieve a "fair" complexion. You can do the math...our dermis is pigment challenged everywhere. Just like most women from the regions from whence our DNA originates. But men apparently prefer tawnier, darker nipples. I didn't think her husband would be the kind of guy who would have a preference for that sort of thing, but she exclaimed, "When I decided to get the lift, [her husband] begged me to get the nips reshaped and recolored, too, and we both love it! I never realized how bland and uninteresting they were before, now I can't stop looking at them!"

Et tu, my friend, et tu?

A few years ago she did mention that she was relieved that her daughter inherited her husband's skin and coloring, and she added, "Thank God she doesn't have putrid pale nipples." And it pains me to admit that I kind of understood where she was coming from. If I had a daughter the least of my concerns would be the pigmentation of her areolas, and I certainly would not discuss the subject with anyone. But given the emphasis and apparent importance of these things nowadays, I'm sure it would cross my mind at some point. And yes, okay, yes, I would feel bad if my daughter inherited my almost pigmentless nipples. I know, I know, with all the problems in the world it's ridiculous to even enter into this train of thought. I know. But. I know from embarrassing first hand experience that men, or the men I've met, do not like pale nipples. And apparently my friend's husband has a preference, too.

"You need to get those girls lifted and reshaped, you always said you want a reduction! So do it! Trill, I gotta tell ya, the bigger they are, the farther they fall, and it's only a matter of time before yours fall to your hips. You're obviously not having children so the 'waiting until after I have children' excuse is no longer valid. Get it done, and color those nips (she fondled hers for emphasis). It will give you a new lease on life and you'll get your old spark back. A little tummy tuck, a little lypo on the hips and bum...a little filler around the eyes...best thing I ever did."

Oh crap.

Whatever she wants to do to her body is her business. And I knew she had some work done. She told me about it. To her credit, she isn't one of those women who pretends they haven't had anything done.
But I didn't know she had that much done and I certainly didn't need to see it.

But I did have a question. Something that I've wondered about since I first heard about tittooing.

She was drunk and standing there topless in front of me, so I took the opportunity to ask her.

"Okay, so, your husband, and other men, prefer darker nipples. And yours were very pale pink."

"So are yours, Trill," she interrupted, acting a little defensive.

"Yes, yes, mine are very pale. As are other private areas of my body. Which leads me to my question..."

"Oh good God no, Trillian, I cannot even imagine how much that would hurt. They had to freeze my boobs just to tattoo the areolas. Plus I don't think it would be safe to inject ink down there."

I don't know about the safety of it, but I'm pretty sure women do get tattooed in and around their vulvae.

But. Here's my confusion. If men prefer tawny, darker nipples, doesn't it stand to reason they prefer similarly colored nether regions? If not, why?

Wouldn't it look weird to have mismatched vulva and nipples?

Let's put it another way: If a guy had tawny or dark nipples but a pale or pink penis, I would notice. And it would distract me. (I wouldn't really care, but I would think, "Ewww, did he have his nipples tittooed?")

Further, what about anal bleaching? Why are darker nipples preferred while paler, whiter anuses are what men desire? I'm sure I'm missing some crucial point because it doesn't make sense that mismatched intimate body part colors would be a turn on.

I didn't want to see my friend's nether region and it was getting more than a little weird to be in a hotel room with my friend half naked and drunk. I asked her to put on her shirt. She obliged.

"I'm just saying, Trill, we're not getting younger. You're in a rut and a serious funk. Your tits have always bugged you, this is the perfect time to just go for it. And get a few other tune ups while you're at it. It's done wonders for me and my attitude."

"Let's just say I had a lapse in judgment and took your advice. Where am I getting the thousands of dollars to cover the expense?"

"Oh, right. You're really that skint?"

Good grief. Does she really think I have that kind of money squirreled away after three years of unemployment? That had to be the booze talking. This friend is not that unaware.

"Ummmm, yeah. I'm really so broke that I can't afford plastic surgery." I jocularly threw a pillow at her and got up to leave. She was drunk, I was tired and didn't want to discuss boobs, hers or mine, anymore.

"You can't leave. We haven't figured out the point to the rest of your life yet!"

"I don't think a better body and tittooing is the point to the rest of my life."

"You need a man."

"No I don't. I need a job. I do not need a man." 

"Every woman needs a man."

"Not every woman. Lesbians don't need men."

"Shut up, Trill. You're splitting hairs. Men don't like that, by the way."

"A man is not the answer to any of my problems."

"Yes it is. A man answers the problems of your loneliness, your funk, your rut, your lack of point to the rest of your life."

"How about if I work on charities, take French lessons and get some cats instead?"

"Nope. Boob job. Tittooing. Tummy tuck. Man. In that order."

"Where is 'career' in any of that? I'm not exactly the kept woman type of woman."

"Boob job. Tittooing. Tummy tuck. Man. That's your new mantra. Say it, believe it, and it will be so. And by the way, I wasn't going to tell you this because I didn't want to hurt your feelings, but, I got a promotion, I'm a VP, now, and I'm sure it's because of my new confidence and happiness with my body and my re-energized sex life. So. Boob job. Tittooing. Tummy tuck. Man." 

She was drunk so I decided to placate her, "Okay. That's my mantra. Congratulations on your promotion. You've worked really hard for a lot of years, I suspect that's why you got the promotion. I gotta go."


Now, in the aftermath, of course I'm mulling over the bigger picture. My friend does seem, well, imbued with a bit more joie de vie. I thought it was because both her kids are in school, now, and she's not juggling as much work-mom-wife-work stress. Maybe it is the new nipples. Maybe there's something to it. I hope not, I fervently hope a lot of cosmetic surgery isn't the answer to a stalled career...and for that matter, a stalled romantic life. The former is relevant to me, the latter not at all.

Or maybe she was just really drunk and spouting alcohol-included crap.

Either way, she has tittooed new breasts and she loves 'em, and apparently her husband is no longer living under the oppression of pale nipples.

If that's the point to her future, my charities, French lessons and cats don't seem as pathetic as they did before my friend shared her enhancements.

12:26 AM

 
This page is powered by Blogger.