Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.

Otherwise, hello, and welcome.
Mail Trillian here<





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Women, The Internet and You: Tips for Men Who Use Online Dating Sites
Part I, Your Profile and Email

Part II, Selecting a Potential Date

Part III, Your First Date!

Part IV, After the First Date. Now What?


"50 First Dates"






Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.

Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Find Federal Officials
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or Search by State

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Contact The Media
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Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)

Quasar
Hyperbole
Amenable
Taciturn
Ennui
Prophetic
Tawdry
Hubris
Ethereal
Syzygy
Umbrageous
Twerp
Sluice
Omnipotent
Sanctuary
Malevolent
Maelstrom
Luddite
Subterfuge
Akimbo
Hoosegow
Dodecahedron
Visceral
Soupçon
Truculent
Vitriol
Mercurial
Kerfuffle
Sangfroid




























 







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Highlights from the Archives. Some favorite Trillian moments.

Void, Of Course: Eliminating Expectations and Emotions for a Better Way of Life

200i: iPodyssey

Macs Are from Venus, Windows is from Mars Can a relationship survive across platform barriers?
Jerking Off

Get A Job

Office Church Ladies: A Fieldguide

'Cause I'm a Blonde

True? Honestly? I think not.

A Good Day AND Funyuns?

The Easter Boy

Relationship in the Dumpster

Wedding Dress 4 Sale, Never Worn

Got Friends? Are You Sure? Take This Test

What About Class? Take This Test

A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away, There Was a Really Bad Movie

May Your Alchemical Process be Complete. Rob Roy Recipe

Good Thing She's Not in a Good Mood Very Often (We Knew it Wouldn't Last)

What Do I Have to Do to Put You in this Car Today?

Of Mice and Me (Killer Cat Strikes in Local Woman's Apartment)

Trillian: The Musical (The Holiday Special)

LA Woman (I Love (Hate) LA)

It is my Cultureth
...and it would suit-eth me kindly to speak-eth in such mannered tongue

Slanglish

It's a Little Bit Me, It's a Little Bit You
Blogging a Legacy for Future Generations


Parents Visiting? Use Trillian's Mantra!

Ghosts of Christmas Past: Mod Hair Ken

Caught Blogging by Mom, Boss or Other

2003 Holiday Sho-Lo/Mullet Awards

Crullers, The Beer Store and Other Saintly Places

Come on Out of that Doghouse! It's a Sunshine Day!

"...I had no idea our CEO is actually Paula Abdul in disguise."

Lap Dance of the Cripple

Of Muppets and American Idols
"I said happier place, not crappier place!"

Finally Off Crutches, Trillian is Emancipated

Payless? Trillian? Shoe Confessions

Reality Wednesday: Extremely Local Pub

Reality Wednesday: Backstage Staging Zone (The Sweater Blog)

The Night Secret Agent Man Shot My Dad

To Dream the Impossible Dream: The Office Karaoke Party

Trillian Flies Economy Class (Prisoner, Cell Block H)

Trillian Visits the Village of the Damned, Takes Drugs, Becomes Delusional and Blogs Her Brains Out

Trillian's Parents are Powerless

Striptease for Spiders: A PETA Charity Event (People for the Ethical Treatment of Arachnids)

What's Up with Trillian and the Richard Branson Worship?

"Screw the French and their politics, give me their cheese!"


















 
Mail Trillian here





Trillian's Guide to the Galaxy gives 5 stars to these places in the Universe:
So much more than fun with fonts, this is a daily dose of visual poetry set against a backdrop of historical trivia. (C'mon, how can you not love a site that notes Wolfman Jack's birthday?!)

CellStories

Alliance for the Great Lakes


Hot, so cool, so cool we're hot.

Ig Nobel Awards

And you think YOU have the worst bridesmaid dress?

Coolest Jewelry in the Universe here (trust Trillian, she knows)

Red Tango

If your boss is an idiot, click here.

Evil Cat Full of Loathing.

Wildlife Works

Detroit Cobras


The Beachwood Reporter is better than not all, but most sex.



Hey! Why not check out some great art and illustration while you're here? Please? It won't hurt and it's free.

Shag

Kii Arens

Tim Biskup

Jeff Soto

Jotto




Get Fuzzy Now!
If you're not getting fuzzy, you should be. All hail Darby Conley. Yes, he's part of the Syndicate. But he's cool.





Who or what is HWNMNBS: (He Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken) Trillian's ex-fiancé. "Issues? What issues?"







Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.


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Reading blogs at work? Click to escape to a suitable site!

Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains





























Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero

 
Friday, April 23, 2010  
I know I should be grateful for any work opportunity. I realize this.

But.

There was a cancellation in the telemarketing training course so I got to start my training today.


Anyone know how the whole death-by-cyanide thing works? How much does it take to kill a 5'11" woman; where does one procure death-grade cyanide; is it better in Kool-Aid or hard liquor?

Labels:


5:30 PM

Tuesday, April 20, 2010  
So, yay, I was chosen to take the telemarketing training sessions.

If I'm deemed worthy to be one of Satan's henchmen I can begin my exciting career as a telemarketer in as little as a few weeks.

I'm not very good at math, especially story problems, so maybe someone can help me figure out the bottom line.


Trillian has a part time job, on call, to start. She earns $8/hour before taxes. It costs her $6 round trip on the train and bus to get to the call center. She's a single zero taxed at 38%. How many hours does she need to work per round-trip shift to accrue a net profit?

My calculations tell me it will take me 2 hours of work to pay for my commute - with 8¢ left over. That can't be right, can it? I'm mathematically challenged so please, someone, please tell me I'm wrong. Tell me working in Hell, doing Satan's work, for two hours will be worth more than a net profit of 8¢.

Labels: ,


9:59 PM

 
The news media is giving glorious coverage to the programs for unemployed people.

I have spent the last two weeks on the phone, online and standing in long lines attempting to clarify information about programs for the unemployed. 

I've learned a lot.

I would like to take a moment to clarify the "new" programs for those who may not be unemployed and think that those of us who are unemployed are getting a lot of assistance.

First and foremost, unemployment benefits vary from state to state. Some states have more generous benefits than others, but no one is getting rich collecting unemployment.

The amount of money you get in your unemployment check is based on your income when you were employed, but capped at a low amount. In Illinois the max for a single person without children, single zeros, is $385/week with a $25/week federal "bonus." If you're married and/or have children you get slightly more/week. $410/week works out to $21,320 annually. A couple thousand dollars above poverty level. So please, stop already, with the assumption that unemployed people are making a nice income for "doing nothing."

Myth 1: Unemployment "income" is tax free.
That is false. Unemployment "income" is subject to state and federal taxes, like any other income.

Myth 2: Unemployed people are making money to do nothing.
In most cases, that is false. No one is getting rich on unemployment. In most states and in most cases a $10/hour job is more than you earn on unemployment so there's no financial incentive to not find a job.

Every unemployed person I know is spending a lot of time, and I mean a lot of time looking for a job. Scouring job boards, calling and emailing companies and everyone they know or have ever known for leads on a job. Most days I spend about 9 - 12 hours on my job hunt. That's every day. I don't take weekends off. Writing cover letters, sleuthing out key contact people at potential companies, scouring job boards, making cold calls and dropping off resumes, scouring networking sites, and filling out applications. (you wouldn't believe how varied and detailed some online job applications are - I did one last week that took me 3 hours - it was that involved. It also required a four-part form regarding security. And no, it wasn't for an armored truck driver, it was for a design job, but the default for the company is to have every applicant fill out the four-part detailed security form. And you cannot hit the submit button until you complete every requested part of the applications.) That's how unemployed people spend their days.

Myth 3: All these unemployment benefit extensions are just enabling people to not work.
False. There are xtensions beyond the 26 week standard benefit. That is true. In some cases. There are people in Illinois who are eligible for 99 weeks (or more) of unemployment benefits. Illinois has something called "Tiers." After you exhaust your standard 26 weeks of unemployment you move to the first Tier, and once that is exhausted you move to the second Tier, and so on.

However.

Myth 4: There's a new extension that will continue unemployment benefits for everyone who's unemployed.
False. I'm a prime example of this. My standard 26 weeks of unemployment will end after the April 10 cutoff date. I am potentially eligible for the first Tier, 13 extra weeks, of an unemployment extension. However, (if I am still unemployed after May 29) my first Tier extension will be exhausted after the May 29 first Tier cutoff and I will be ineligible for continued benefits.

However, someone who was laid off a few months or even a year or more before me is eligible for continued benefits if they exhaust their current Tier within the set timeframe. Someone who's been unemployed for more than a year will potentially continue to qualify for unemployment benefits long after I (an unemployment newbie) have exhausted all possible benefits.

The longer you've been collecting unemployment benefits, the longer you can continue to collect them.

It's illogical and makes no sense. Welcome to government class, leave your rational thinking at the door.

What this means is: Someone like me who's been unemployed a relatively short time and whose standard 26 weeks of benefits end after April 10 (it was March 27 until last week), is not eligible for the full extensions. Whereas someone who's been unemployed for a year or more may be eligible for 13 - 33 weeks additional benefits. In short, it pays to have been laid-off for a longer term. Us "newbies" are not currently entitled to the 99 weeks+ extensions.

So while you hear a lot about unemployment benefit extensions, please understand that they are not one size fits all and a lot, and I mean a lot of people are not eligible for them.

And no one is getting rich collecting unemployment.

There's a new mortgage assistance program for unemployed people! The government is going to pay unemployed peoples' mortgages!

Today I had a painful conversation with my mortgage company. This is the sixth such phone call in as many days.

My pain, the blogworld's gain.

I finally talked to a very nice and informed rep at CitiMortgage. Gary either had answers to my questions or found the answers for me.

Here's the low-down on Obama's mortgage assistance program for the unemployed.

Myth 5: The government is paying unemployed peoples' mortgages.
False. There are a bazillion stipulations and caveats to the new government mortgage assistance program. If you're unemployed and you find a way to qualify for the government mortgage assistance program, please contact me and tell me how you did it.

I'm guessing very few unemployed people will actually qualify for it. I do not qualify.

For starters, your original mortgage has to have been initiated via the current lender. Meaning, if you used a mortgage broker or if you refinanced your original loan through another lender, you're probably not eligible. If you have a Fannie Mae loan you are not eligible. If you have the five year PMI you are not eligible.

My lender, Citi, does have a program to help people in hardship situations. It lowers your interest rate for a few years and then raises it back to the original rate, and extends your mortgage payout date. Meaning those few years of a lower interest rate result in a 30 year mortgage extending to a 35 year mortgage. You get a few %age points of interest relief for a few years and the lender is ultimately earning 5 extra years of interest at the full rate. It might be a band-aid for a few people, but it's a desperate and expensive measure. Like those 67% interest rate credit cards you hear about. Sometimes people are in desperate situations and it's the only short term solution, but it's a really, really bad financial move that make the lenders rub their hands in greedy salivation, like Mr. Burns, exczellent.

Myth 6: There are tons of government training and education programs for unemployed people.
True! And false. Illinois will pay for me to a) learn Spanish, or b) go to vocational school to be an electrician or plumber, or c) attend community college.

I thought, "Hey! I'll take some classes at my friendly neighborhood community college!"

Nope. No dice. I already have degrees so I am ineligible for government benefits that cover college courses. But they will help cover some expense of learning Spanish or go to trade school in approved courses - the list includes mainly electrical and plumbing courses.

I know, I know. This is all really tedious and boring but I think there are a lot of false assumptions being made about unemployment benefits and I feel obligated to clear them up for the sake of my co-unemployed friends far and wide. Some people are getting a couple years of benefits, some people are taking classes and getting help with their mortgages. But most of us are struggling and ineligible for the much touted unemployment programs.

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5:22 PM

 
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