Men. Weird. The saga continues…
More weirdness...last night I got an email from a man who apparently (I hope) lives 6,000 miles away from me. He's also considerably younger. My profile clearly states I do not want a man that young or that far away from me. And yet he wrote me starting out with, I know I'm not what you're looking for (so why then, are you taking up space in my in box? I always wonder when men do this) but I am sure if you give me a chance we can overcome the distance and age barriers. (ah, that's why: ego) He went on to tell me how successful he is, how much money he has, where he's traveled, how many and what kinds of cars/motorcycles/jetskis he owns (yes, he's apparently quite accomplished for such young years) and that because of these things I should put aside my age and distance parameters and consider him the object of my affections.

Why I didn't just hit delete I do not know. I usually just delete these emails without a second thought. But this time I was apparently feeling more patient and congenial about this issue so I wrote a polite, short, "Thanks but no thanks" response. And this morning I was greeted with two lenghty emails berating me, calling me a "typical selfish stupid ugly American bitch" and telling me I should have died in 9/11.

Okaaaaaaay. Gosh, buddy, rejection hurts, I know, it's really painful, but you knew it was a very, very long shot that I'd be even remotely interested in you and I was decent and polite enough to tell you I wasn't interested instead of doing what any other woman would do: Ignore you. I don't think that calls for a death wish. You apparently didn't think I was an ugly selfish American bitch when you saw and read my profile and were moved to writing me...

I continued to read the emails because I was contemplating forwarding them to the site administrator as abuse. Get this: After the scathing criticism of me and all Americans (mind you, he approached me knowing full well I live in Chicago and didn't seem to have a problem with Americans when he sent that first email) after long, long winded criticism and judgment filled taunts clearly fueled by immaturity and rejection, he had the stupidity or nerve to make yet another play for my affections.

His closing statement was, I am certain we can reach an understanding. We should talk and then you can see what a great catch I am and how much you need me in your life. One night with me will melt away all your uptight tensions.

I'm not kidding. The man called me ugly, told me I should have died in 9/11 and then propositioned me. What was he thinking? Did he honestly think I'd respond with, "Ooooooh, baby, death wish talk and insults really turn me on...?"

I forwarded the emails to the site administrator as abuse. I received this response, "We suggest you block this member from further contacting you. However because his emails do not specifically make a threat to you we will not be terminating his account."

So I terminated mine. Any site which allows behavior like this to continue, allows men "like him" to subscribe after they've been reported as being threatening, volatile and violent, is not a site on which I want to mingle. I don't go to scary biker bars to mingle and meet men, so why would I go to a dating site where men "like him" are allowed to hurl that sort of crap at women?

See what I mean? One bad apple can ruin the whole orchard, or even the entire type of fruit. What was I saying about bananas?

Okay guys, maybe some of you read the case studies and think, “whoa, I’m not like that, I’d never do that, those guys are weird. Trill’s meeting some bad ones. There are plenty of us who aren’t that way. Sure, I like sex, but I want a real relationship, too. And I don’t make a habit of trying to pick up women by insulting them or puking on them. That is weird and I’m not that way and neither are my friends. Well. Most of them.”

And I fully agree. And those of you who want a relationship have probably taken the time and made the efforts to find a real relationship. And are in one with a very appreciative woman. Yay you.

Or maybe, like me, you just can’t find the right woman, the one with that special “chemistry” and all the other attributes on your checklist.

There are a lot of lonely people. There are a lot of people who are alone, not necessarily lonely, but, alone and not by choice.

Life can really suck and nothing epitomizes and emphasizes that more than being single for long stretches of time. You make a full life for yourself, work hard at your career, spend time with family and friends, volunteer, pursue interests and hobbies, take classes, and don’t sit around dwelling on your singleness. Except, well, when you go home, alone, to an empty place, an empty living room, and an empty bed. Then your singleness forces itself on you, makes you notice it. And yes, sometimes, usually between midnight and 3 AM, your singleness makes you dwell on this “situation” and what you can do to change it. And that causes you to review and evaluate people you’ve met, dated, wanted to date, or the type of person you’d like to meet and date. And you think: “What I’m looking for in a date and relationship isn’t so wacky, I’m not demanding or too picky or even weird. How can it be possible that I can’t meet someone who likes me and is looking for the same things? I’m not terribly unique or special, there must be millions of people who would like me and I would like in return. How can I be single, alone and unable to meet just one of these people?”

Or. Well. Maybe I am the only one whose thoughts go along those lines at 1:30 AM.

But I kind of doubt it.

The proliferation of dating sites and the money being made in the dating industry (including: websites, books, talk shows, singles bars, movies and therapists) indicates there are a lot of lonely people trying to find just one person to share their life, share laughs and have shoulders to cry on, not necessarily Hallmark quality romance, just a good, solid, caring, respectful, trusting relationship with someone.

I often think, “There’s something really wrong with me,” or, “I must be more particular than I think I am,” or, “Maybe I’ve been dealt a hand of solitaire instead of Hearts and I should just assume my game is Solitaire.”

I’m guessing it’s a combination of all three. I never used to try to “figure it out.” I just thought, “hey, when the timing’s right, I’ll meet someone, the right sort of person for me.” And then, without much effort or thought, I met a couple good guys and even almost married one of them.

And then: Nothing. Zip. Nadda. And, you know, no big deal, I needed time to mourn, time to heal, time to get my head around what the heck happened and how I would recover from it, time to learn how to function without the man I trusted to always be there for me. I worked hard on all that. It was/is a process, not an event. But still, I’m alone. Still nothing, zip, nadda.

I have a friend who got divorced last year. The last few years of their marriage were quite difficult. The divorce was unpleasant. But necessary. She said she took a lot of comfort in knowing that I was there for her and she wasn’t alone and that we could be single together. She didn’t want to date or even think about men. You think I’m jaded, cynical, pessimistic and at times morbid regarding love? Lemme tell ya, I was swutting Mary Sunshine compared to this woman. She just wanted time to mourn the death of her marriage and heal some of the wounds. No one understands that better than me, so, you know, I’m here for you pal. And I admit, there was a selfish appeal to that idea. If the marriage had to fail, then, after accepting and dealing with that, the upside is that I would have a single friend with whom I could pal around. We went out exactly twice in four weeks. The second time we went out she met a guy. He just walked right up to us and started talking to her. Just like that. They spent about an hour talking. He asked her out on a date. She accepted. They started dating. She never had time for me because of her new guy, yadda yadda yadda they’re getting married. Huh? What? That was a heck of a mourning and healing process. And no, I don’t think it’s a rebound thing or a desperation thing. They really like and love each other. They have a lot of fun together and seem to have the sort of relationship most of us would hold up as, well, good.

I’m really, really happy for her, of course I am. I haven’t seen her this happy, this content, this confident and enthusiastic in, well, ever. And that’s a really, really good thing.

But here’s the question: Why her and not me? She’s pretty, yes, side by side she’s absolutely way more attractive than I am. Okay, sure, there’s that. We’ve covered that territory. Looks do matter. A lot. And in this side by side comparison of course that is the difference between us. But. Still. Assuming there are millions of us single people “out there” sooner or later someone, anyone, is bound to find me, well, not attractive, but at least not repulsive, and interesting and nice enough to not only talk to me but also ask me out, and then ask me out again, and again and form a relationship. Yes?

No.

Apparently not.

And apparently a lot of other people are like me in this respect. The dating industry would not be a mega million dollar cash cow if everyone except me were happily coupled up.

But that mega million dollar industry isn’t working. At least not for those of us trying to meet someone. Which makes it work great for the industry, the more of us there are, and the longer we’re single, the more profit they make from us.

Dating sites can work. I’ve seen it happen right before my eyes. I personally, in real life, know people who met their spouses/affianced via an online dating site. I’ve had loads of email from people encouraging me to keep at it because it worked for them. These are normal, well adjusted people who have friends and family and jobs and activities which do not involve a computer. They wrote good profiles, targeted their searches to people well suited to them, didn’t offend anyone, didn’t accept offers from people who were clearly not “right” for them and voila! they found their “perfect match.”

And then there’s me. And all the others like me. The rest of us. We do exactly what they do, we keep a positive and optimistic attitude, we get loads of winks and emails from loads of people, some of them even “normal” people, but nothing develops. Except a headache and more insecurities about ourselves because the overwhelming majority of people who contact us fall into the “weird” or “creepy” or “out on parole in a few months” categories. The people we’re interested in are not interested in us.

I saw that dilemma and vowed I would change my “standards.” I thought maybe I was aiming too high. Maybe the men I was interested in would never be interested in me so I needed to develop interests in different types of men. Which, for me, was a little difficult because in all honesty I’ve never been that picky. If a guy is within a few years of my age, expresses an interest in something other than sex, is able to communicate via written and spoken word, isn’t selling real estate (or a pyramid scheme) and lives within 40 miles of me, I’m game for meeting him. But still, something wasn’t working, so, I soldiered on and vowed to go out with anyone who asked. Well. You know, within reason. I’m lonely but I’m not stupid. Or gullible. I want a relationship, but not so much that I’ll accept a bad relationship. I’m not that desperate.

But maybe I should be. Maybe desperation is the key. My divorced and now engaged friend wasn’t “desperate” for a man or relationship. Yet. There was an air of desperation about her. She’d been through a bad couple of years. She was defiantly, head held high, presenting herself to the world as someone “not looking.” But in spite of that there was a vulnerability to her. She’d been worn down to raw nerves during the demise of her marriage. It showed in her cynicism and “bitchy” attitude. But there was also a pleading to be understood. She’d been misunderstood for a long time. She was desperate for validation in a lot of aspects. She was lacking confidence. This was not a cognitive realization on her part, but, you know, it’s just, well, true. And then a guy walks into a bar, yadda yadda yadda, she’s getting married to a great guy.

Most of us single people staunchly deny that we’re desperate. We deny it because we honestly do not think we are desperate. Desperate sounds so negative, so, desperate. We’re intelligent, professional, well-adjusted, normal, nice, confident people. We’re not desperate.

Or are we?

Why would I, me, resort not only to online dating, but vow to go out with any viable man who asks me? I’m a well educated, intelligent, creative, professional, charming in my own special way, kind, considerate, giving, thoughtful, polite, well traveled woman with a very full, active, rich life. I live in a major urban area where statistically there are plenty of similar single people. Why on earth would I need to even consider online dating or self-help books or drugs to help me sleep because the loneliness catches up with me at night and makes it impossible for me to sleep?

Well, for starters I don’t come wrapped in an attractive package.

Still, plenty of unattractive people find partners. And heck, once you get past the ugly exterior the rest is pretty darned, well, you know, decent. For the moment let’s put that issue to the side.

Given the above factors there is simply no rational reason as to why I am single. Men claim they want exactly the factors and traits I posses. And yet: Nothing. Zip. Nadda.

And it’s not just me. A lot of women, many of them very attractive, too, are in my exact situation.

Why? There are simply more women than there are men.

So the strong message, by sheer statistics, that men get is: "Women are at a statistical disadvantage. Go ahead, be weird, be a jerk, be shallow, callous, rude, and picky. There are way more of them than there are of you so the odds are stacked strongly in your favor." Many men know these stats and use them. They feel that if a woman wants to date a man she’s going to have to accept his weirdness. If she doesn’t, there’s another woman (lots of women, actually) who’s just a little more lonely and eager to accept the weirdness. Basically, the message “out there” is that eventually women will get worn down and desperate enough to tolerate less than admirable behavior. And so: The weirdness continues, thrives and grows.

There are simply not enough men to go around for every woman to have one. (I’m of course excluding the factor of the non-heterosexual male and female population, that’s a whole other bunch of statistics aiding and abetting the dating and loneliness issues. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but it is a factor in the dating game.)

So yes, by virtue of population statistics, women, as a gender, are desperate.

And my theory is that this is contributing to the weird behavior in men.

“Don’t like me puking on you, insulting you, groping you, arguing with you or treating you badly? Fine. No big deal to me. I have statistics on my side, I’ll find a woman who will tolerate me just the way I am and you will be alone. Don’t you watch Dr. Phil or Maury? Loads of women are perfectly willing to put up with complete crap and weirdness for the sake of having a man. Deal with it or die alone.”

The sad fact is that extreme attitude is not an exaggeration or the cynical ranting of a jaded spinster. It’s true. Stats don’t lie. Many of us women are simply not going to have men. Period. Evolution, baby.

What I find sad and disturbing is that the women who are getting left behind in the process of evolution are the intelligent, creative, professional, well-adjusted women, the very women we, as a species, should want in the gene pool to pave the way down the path of forward evolution.

If you’re one of a handful of people who saw Idiocracy you know what I mean.

Why would men, with statistics on their side, willingly choose women who do not posses the qualities needed for advancement of the species? That’s a conundrum I find supremely interesting.

Over and over, men choose the comely but IQ challenged Daphnes over the less attractive but supremely more capable Velmas. Sure, biology propels men to spread their seed, and their seeds are not exactly working in concert with their brains so they go for the first women they see, and those are the attractive women. The women who stand out in sea of women.

But why don’t their brains play a factor in this? Why aren’t men more selective in terms of qualities beyond physical appearance? Why don't they react the same way to a woman solving a difficult brain challenging problem as they do to a Playboy centerfold? It can’t be good for evolution to design one gender of a species to be so heavily reliant on physical beauty of the opposite gender. Men say they want intelligent women, and I think most of them truly do. But, heh heh, as I so often hear, “hey, there has to be physical attraction, too.” As long as that brain is packed behind a pretty face and smokin’ body, then yes, intelligence is sexy. But IQ alone won’t get a girl a man.

After being likened to an Autistic person, I decided to get to the bottom of this. I asked everyone, people I know, people I don’t know, lots of people, if they thought it was possible for me to find a man or if I should just throw in the towel and get used to the idea that I am not one of the women who will be getting a man. For the most part my friends rallied to my side and said the entire male population is crazy and weird if they aren’t beating my door down to date me. Yeah, well, I have some really good friends. And many of them tend to be on the romantic side who want to hang onto the notion that there’s someone for everyone. And I also got lots of advice.

I am still in shock over the huge, HUGE disparity between the sexes. Almost straight down the line the advice given was split into issues of appearance and issues of personality. Guess which gender gave out the most advice on appearance? You might think girl to girl talk would leave me with a lot of women letting me in on their beauty secrets. Wrong. Dead wrong. Guys doled out more beauty and fashion advice than an entire year subscription to Allure. Most of it was contradictory from guy to guy, but almost all of it was appearance or sex related.

• Don’t cut your hair short.
  
• Cut your hair short and sassy.
  
• Dye your hair blond.
  
• Dye your hair brown.
  
• Wear high heels. (This subject came up several times. Heels have an almost universal appeal.)
  
• Wear short skirts.
  
• Wear flattering jeans. (I’m not sure if this guy meant that a lot of women with nice figures wear unflattering jeans, or if he is mistakenly blaming jeans for the physical shortcomings of women.)
  
• Wear stylish clothes AND NO PONY TAILS! Men like grown-up stylish women. Kelly Clarkson looked like a skanky hag and now she’s hot. Style, style, style. (Money, money, money. I always wonder if men have any clue how much “stylish” clothes cost. And then I wonder if they’re willing to bank roll a shopping trip for those “stylish” clothes. And then I assume the answer is “no.” And then I think, “once again, Barbie’s to blame: She comes packaged with a stylish wardrobe and accessories. Apparently men think that’s just how women are: We come pre-packaged with stylish clothes and accessories ready for them to play with us and take us out and show us off in our ‘stylish’ clothes.” Interesting to note that apparently all one needs to do to transform from “skanky hag” to “hot” is to throw a lot of money and a team of trained professionals at the situation. Note to self: Find thousands of dollars. Spend those dollars on “stylish” clothes and hair and makeup. Get man.)
  
• Have a great, white, straight, toothpaste commercial smile.
  
• Wear lip gloss.
  
• Don’t wear lip gloss. (Some guys apparently love the look but hate kissing gooey mouths.)
  
• Wear sexy lingerie.
  
• Wear low cut and tight tops.
  
• Wear make up.
  
• Don’t wear make up.
  
• Wear perfume.
  
• Don’t wear cheap perfume that stinks and tastes bad on your neck.
  
• Don’t wear fake nails.
  
• Go to the gym every day.
  
• Get liposuction.
  
• If you don’t have boobs, get implants.
  
• Don’t get fake boobs.
  
• Wax your snatch but don't tell us about it. We know it hurts but we like the way it looks and we don't want to feel guilty about liking it.
  Go to a good spa once a month and get the works so your skin and body are soft and wrinkle free without acne and hair. (Okay, um, are you footing the bill for that? Oh wait, that’s right, we’re supposed to find thousands of dollars to spend on Kelly Clarkson-esque transformations which would include monthly or even weekly trips to the spa and salon. Of course we’ll need to fit this in between gym time and oh yeah, our jobs.)
  
• Talk dirty.
  
• Don’t talk about sex unless it’s naughty or flirty talk. We don’t care about your ovaries. We’d prefer to not even know they exist. (That’s an actual quote from a very surprising source. I had no idea this guy was so, um, well, you know, that way. He’s always seemed kind of metrosexual sensitive to me. Shows you what I know.)
  
• Put out on the first date. (Interestingly, no one, not even one woman, said, “Don’t put out on a first date.” Either they think I should grab whatever I can get or this is just a universally accepted truism)
  
• Let him make the first first move so you know he’s into you, but after the first first move initiate sex. A lot. (Apparently us womenfolk are supposed to wait for a guy to give us the green light by coming onto us and establishing domination and hierarchy, after that we’re supposed to anticipate and attend to his every need.)
  
• Learn how to give good blow jobs and give them often. (Dude, we all know this, it really doesn’t need to be stated, but thanks.)
  
• Get in really good shape so you can do a lot of positions.

• Eye contact. If he won’t look you in the eyes you don’t want him.
  
• Smile at him. Works every time. If he’s not interested he won’t smile back at you. If he’s interested this lets him know you’re open to his advances and he’ll smile back and probably talk to you.
  
• Get a dog. Guys love dogs.
  
• Flirt, just straight up flirt, even if it seems obnoxious and stupid, guys want sex and if you don’t flirt they don’t think of you that way. It’s hard to do this without playing dumb, but if you really want a man…
  
• Go to sporting events or sports bars. That’s where the boys are.
  
• Find out what he likes to do and where he goes on weekends and then go there so you “coincidentally” run into him. (Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww. I can’t believe I know someone who ascribes to this juvenile behavior.)
  
• Talk to him. If he ignores you or answers with one word or picks a fight, he’s not interested. If he starts telling you about his boss and the football match he’s into you.
  
• Talk to him about his work.
  
• Be happy, even if you don’t feel happy. Smile, smile, smile. Take medication, drugs, booze, whatever it takes to make you appear to be happy and not full of complications and drama or sorrow. Men just do not want to deal with anything negative when they’re not at work.That’s why big smile rah rah bimbos are so attractive to men. Those girls give the appearance of being fun and uncomplicated and men are drawn to them like moths to a flame.
  
• Laugh at his jokes or at least acknowledge that he has a sense of humor.
  
• Don't talk baby talk unless you really are stupid, easy and gorgeous and wearing lingerie accentuating your gorgeousness.
  
• Do or say whatever you have to say to make him feel special and different and worthy. If you’re in line at the grocery ask him about something he’s buying, let him be an authority even if it’s an authority on Doritos. Compliment his coat or shoes. Single guys usually buy those things themselves and your compliment will validate his taste and confidence. Tread carefully complimenting ties, shirts, sweaters, watches, socks and underwear. There’s a high likelihood another woman, including his mother, bought these items for him. If it was a girlfriend you’ll be reminding him of her, if it was his mother you’ll embarrass him. (Ooooooh, good advice. I’ve definitely learned this lesson the hard way.)
  
• Talk about your parents and your cat. If he listens and doesn’t get that blank out of body expression on his face and offers real feedback then you know he’s truly interested in you.
  
• Listen to him. Look for clues about his personality in how he says what he says and make sure he listens to you. Really listens to you and really understands you.
  
• Get interested in his interests. Show him you care about what he cares about.
  Make sure he knows you have interests and activities. He can then think about participating in these activities with you or will be relieved to know you have a life outside work and your relationships and that he’ll have some free time to do whatever he likes to do with his mates without you nagging him to spend every free moment with you.
  
• See how he treats everyone – especially people like waitresses and clerks. If he acts superior and bothered by them, stay away. If he’s way too nice to them, he’s trying too hard to make a good impression and could be overcompensating for his actual bad people skills. Or he might be interested in them instead of you.
  
• If he’s frequently defensive and argumentative and has to dominate the conversation stay away from him.
  
• Make sure he likes your friends and family and is respectful to your parents.
  Find out everything you can about his dating history and past relationships. See how he talks about his ex girlfriends. If he says mean or spiteful things about them, stay away.
  
• Unless it’s a quick one or two night no holds barred fling, save the freaky bedroom stuff for later. It’ll intimidate and scare them if you throw this at them right away.
  
• Just be yourself. If that’s not good enough for him he’s not good enough for you. (That bit of age-old platitude wisdom from my best friend, by the way, so maybe not the best advice in terms of developing an action plan. Just being myself has always been good enough for her, she likes me for me. Finding a man, a dating kind of man, who feels the same way is obviously the challenge here. If just being myself was all I needed to do I wouldn’t be in this situation. I’m good at being myself, but being myself has left me by myself. My friend agrees that while this is good advice it comes off trite and condescending to most of us in my situation.)