Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.
Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.
Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)
Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)
Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains
Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away
Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains
A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right
Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains
Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero
Thursday, January 06, 2011
Story problem.
Trillian received a holiday gift from a friend, a $50 gift card to an expensive department store. She also received a $50 cash from an aunt. Trillian saw a lace top on clearance for $98 at the expensive department store. It was the least expensive thing she could find in the store. Trillian has nowhere to wear a lace top and even if she had an appropriate venue/occasion to wear it, she lacks the confidence and physical attributes to pull off the look of the lace top. However Trillian noted she would like to have the confidence and physical attributes to pull off the look of the lace top and a place/reason to wear it. She then conjectured an hypothesis of cause and effect: Buy the lace top, acquire the confidence and attributes and a reason/place to wear it.
Given that Trillian is unemployed and soon to be homeless and lives in the Midwestern US and it's January, she is also researching outdoorwear. She is eying a long foul-weather waterproof down-alternative parka. She would never usually consider such a garment but has discerned it to be a wise and serviceable garment for homeless people: It can act not only as a coat, but is also long enough to improvise as a blanket. And as a tent/raincover in warmer, rainier seasons. The down alternative also provides enough padding to act as a mattress on pavement, ground and park benches. The coat Trillian feels offers the most and best multipurpose features is on sale for $120. She can scrape up $20 cash to augment the $50 cash gift, but will have to trade or sell the $50 giftcard at a loss to put it to use anywhere other than the expensive department store.
Calculate the IQ of the person who gives someone who's unemployed a giftcard for a luxury department store.
Extra credit: Determine the probability and odds of the giftcard being regift.
Tuesday, January 04, 2011
So, the new business venture isn't taking off the way I hoped. It's early days, of course, and I'm hopeful the new year will bring some business my way. People assign a lot of significance to a new calendar year, especially in matters of the heart. And in hiring, too. So hopefully I'll be swamped with customers, men who want to get married and companies looking for a final job candidate.
I did a little pro bono work, of sorts, a former colleague got in touch with me about a job opening, yadda yadda yadda after two interviews in two days with me and the company decided to go with a a temp instead of a full-time staffer. BUT it was conversations with me that helped them determine they could "get by" with a temp for a few months and then reassess their needs.
See? I have a gift. My most marketable skill is helping men and companies determine who they really want to marry or hire.
Guys, want to get married? Date me for a while and I guarantee you will marry the person you date after me.
Want to narrow the candidate pool and choose a final employee? Interview me, several times, narrow the choice down to two candidates, me and one other, and I guarantee you'll hire the other job candidate. Voila! Decision made, position filled!
That's a valuable service, right? How much would you pay for a guarantee in finding the perfect wife or employee? Sure, it's so valuable it's intangible...but...people put price tags on intangibles all the time. Online dating sites are cashing in on intangibles. If they can do it then I can do it better because I come with proven guaranteed success. Ask almost any man who's dated me - they married the woman they met immediately after dating me. Ask anyone who's interviewed me in the past year - they all hired the other top contender for the job.
But until this new business takes off I have to figure out an employment plan. Especially since I'll soon be homeless.
What would be really great is a job that includes shelter and if I'm lucky food and clothing.
"Huh? Trill, what are you talking about?"
C'mon, think differently, shift the employment possibility paradigm to include jobs that include/require housing. There are lots of people who have jobs but don't have a permanent address. Not nomads or Gypsies, more like American Bedouins.
You probably don't consider them to be homeless, but, think about it...plenty of people work in industries requiring them to live on site or on the road. Those jobs are perfect for homeless people.
Here's my list thus far. Feel free to chime in with other ideas, I'm open to pretty much anything but keep in mind no one's going to pay to have sex with me so prostitution is out - which is a shame because I hear there are some nice brothels.
Concert Roadie
Pros: Sex, drugs and rock and roll!!! Duh!
Cons: Sex, drugs and rocks and roll. Duh. "Accommodation" means a bus or truck.
I think the "good" jobs for roadies involve the instruments. So. I have to learn enough guitar to tune a guitar before the show. I dunno, those people tuning guitars before the show usually only pluck out a couple notes, I mean, is it that difficult?
Big pluses here: No uniform; The name badge is one of those cool all-access VIP roadie passes.
Concert Roadie, Part II
Rock photographer - okay, I can do that, sign me up. I want this job. Bonus with this job is the possibility of getting a money shot - the one photo that becomes a musician's iconic image. Or the one photo that's worth a lot of hush money.
Peace Corps
Pros: I like to travel; I like to help people; I'm accepting and interested in other cultures.
Cons: Typhoid. Diphtheria. Malaria. Hunting/killing my meals.
Already sent my application. Waiting, hoping for an interview and subsequent assignment. Fingers crossed.
Camp Counselor
Pros: I like kids. I can teach art...or swimming...or boating...or archery.
Cons: Uniform; name badge; stupid nickname; stupid songs; tent.
I applied for seven camp counselor jobs and was turned down for all seven. I'm going to keep at it, though. This is the time of year summer camps are gearing up and taking staff applications so I'm feverishly working at it. I like kids...I can teach art...I don't love sleeping in tents but it beats sleeping in a box under a highway overpass or in a homeless shelter. I'm not crazy about institutional food, but, I do like S'mores.
Military
Pros: I like to travel; food; shelter; and clothing.
Cons: Uniform; name badge; I'm a pacifist; I don't believe in guns; I've been known to question authority.
But other than that I think I could, you know find a place in today's military. If I had to...right?
Nun/Missionary
Pros: Helping other people. Travel and/or seclusion. Wine tasting with monks.
Cons: I'm not Catholic; I have ethical issues with the Catholic religion (and organized religion in general); (in spite of recent indications to the contrary) not a virgin.
And I was already turned down for a job at a religious university; But I'm a compassionate and giving person, I like to help others, especially those less fortunate. I'm compassionate and nonjudgmental. So apart from the doing it for Jesus/God aspect this seems like a viable option.
Cruise Ship Worker
Pros: I like to travel. I don't get seasick.
Cons: Uniform. Really cheesy polyester uniform. Name badge. I'm not very good at structured dancing. I can manage the Hokey Pokey and Chicken Dance, but more complicated synchronized choreography like the Electric Slide or the Macerana are difficult for me.
Possible jobs: I can take those cheesy boarding photos with passengers posed on the gangway with a life-ring. Or, two words: Julie McCoy. Two more words: Cruise director. Hey, I can be perky. You know, if I have to be perky I can manage it. Okay, maybe not perky, but enthusiastic and friendly. I'm friendly. Usually.
Circus performer/worker
Pros: I like kids; I like animals.
Cons: I like animals; I'm petrified of clowns; tents; vomit.
The big problems with the circus industry, for me, are 1) I am an animal rights advocate and have deep ethical issues with animals used in circuses; and 2) there's that clourophobia. I have a severe, clinically pathological fear of clowns. So this one is a worst case scenario homeless job for me. And thanks to cotton candy, popcorn, slushees and the smell of elephant poop kids often vomit at circuses. I don't enjoy cleaning up kid vomit, but I don't "mind" it - when I know the kids. So I'd need a "skilled" circus job. But. I don't really have any circus skills. I have all my teeth so I presume working the promenade is out. Roustabout? Maybe. I kinda like that job title. It would certainly add a cavalier air to my resume. Do circus people sleep in tent encampments or buses or trucks these days?
Sunday, January 02, 2011 Alpha Boomer to Apply for Social Security
Local woman, Carol Weston, was the first baby born in an upstate New York county hospital on New Year's Day 1946. She's pretty sure she's the Alpha Baby Boomer. "There's a guy in England who claims to be the first baby boomer, but c'mon, the only Baby Boomers who matter are American, so that makes me first. I did it all, I did it all," voice trailing wistfully as if going back in time or having a senior moment. She rallies, voice lilting, a knowing grin playing at the corners of her mouth, "Woodstock, San Francisco, war protests, ERA marches, bra burning...I was there, on the forefront, paving the way for future generations. I didn't watch Forest Gump, I lived it. Future generations owe me, they owe me, all of us Boomers, big time. And now I'm cashing in. It's our turn. It's our time."
True to her trendsetting form, Baby Boomer Weston plans to be first in line at the Social Security office when they open for the first day of the new year. "Thanks to a grandfather clause in my company's pension program I'm entitled to a full pension and healthcare benefits in my retirement. And we nearly had the mortgage paid off when the 401K program started, so when we paid off the mortgage we maxed out our 401K contributions. We don't need Social Security. But it's ours, we paid into it, and better that we spend it our way than the government getting their grubby mitts on it."
Ms. Weston and her common law husband of 40 years also did well with stock investments. "Keith had this friend, a guy he knew from parties at college, who was starting a company. Our parents thought we were crazy to buy into a scheme to sell sneakers. I said, 'Better that than automotive stock, and sneakers don't pollute the planet!' and true to Baby Boomer success form, Nike took off like, well, a rocket!"
Taking a deep breath, calming her enthusiasm, Ms. Weston takes on a somber tone, "Sure, we took a hit in the '00s like everyone else, but the market has rallied and with our pensions, health insurance and our Social Security we're looking forward to a great retirement in St. Barts."
But don't expect to see Carol and Keith in rocking chairs or early bird buffets. Customary to Baby Boomer conscientiousness, they're looking forward to creative and charity projects. "Like I said, we don't really need the Social Security money, we can live very comfortably on our pensions and stocks, but we see this as an opportunity to put government money to good use. It's not for us, really, we're merely the conduit to change. Keith has a pottery studio and his music and I have my poetry and fiber arts - we've always been artisans - and now we'll channel the money we get from Social Security into something worthwhile, philanthropic. We're going to pursue our creative endeavors full-time and give back to the community with pottery, fiber art projects and of course our music and poetry. We'll take a couple trips to Africa every year to teach impoverished children about poetry and music and pottery. It's democracy at it's best, publicly funded charitable art!"
Ms. Weston's company's pension and retirement benefits were phased out in the early '90s, but employees with 10 years or more service were grandfathered into the old plan.
"It was a real nailbiter, we were worried we wouldn't enjoy the same retirement benefits our parents had and God knows we can't depend on our kids to take care of us. Thank God for the pension's grandfather clause or we'd be relying on social security entirely and our art would suffer, the community would suffer. We wouldn't be able to retire, at least not like we planned. We'd have to, you know [whispering] live on Social Security, not put it to good artistic, compassionate use."
When asked about the possibility of the surge of Baby Boomers applying for Social Security benefits causing a shortfall in the program, Ms. Weston responded with, "I'm sure it won't be there for the Gen Xers or Gen Yers or our kids, but that's not our fault, that's not our problem. Besides, they owe us. We paved the way for them. We gave them the ERA and the Beatles and Rolling Stones, Saturday Night Live and Apple Computers and...you name it, a Baby Boomer did it or invented it. The future owes us. What has Gen X done? What do they have to show for themselves? Yeah. Silence. Nothing. They cry about having to stand in our shadow, how we ruined sex, drugs and rock and roll for them, and that we hogged all the jobs and wouldn't give them a chance, but maybe if they'd done something worth while, had something credible to offer, we'd be more interested in them. But they haven't, so we're not."
Ms. Weston was not concerned about the unemployment statistics showing the demographic of those hardest hit: the generation immediately following Baby Boomers.
"Oh cry me a river. Those Gen X whiners have been blaming us since the day they got our worn out, hand-me-down books in kindergarten classrooms. They blame disco and AIDS on us, they say we were irresponsible with drugs. Sheesh, get over it, already. So what if they never got to hear Hendrix live? Most of us were so stoned when we saw him that we don't remember it anyway. And so what if they have to use condoms when they have sex, is that such a bad thing? Shouldn't they be thanking us? And so what if they got laid off because they had less seniority or weren't in critical positions at their companies? What do they expect from us? Do they want us to leave our jobs, cash in stock and take early retirements or give them a chance at promotions?! I mean, come on, let's be realistic. When we retire they can have our jobs. Until then they can make me a latte at Starbucks or stock shelves at Whole Foods. Baby Boomer-founded companies, I might add. You're welcome."
She continues, "We are the ones who actualized change. We are the ones who toppled the old guard and brought compassion, conscience and equality into board rooms and businesses and politics. When those little snots were home watching the Mork and Mindy we were out making history, changing the world. Peace Corps? Greenpeace? Amnesty International? Civil Rights? Yeah, all us, all ours. We care."
Ms. Weston is not worried about the dip Gen X and Gen Y payroll contributions to Social Security due to the high rate of unemployment in those demographics.
"Maybe that will spur those cry-baby Gen Xers to do something. Be the change they want to see in the world. There's enough in the the fund now to cover our Social Security payments, and once we start retiring the Gen X and Gen Ys can have our jobs and they'll start contributing to the fund." Speaking with characteristic Baby Boomer confidence, "We'll be fine."
