Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.

Otherwise, hello, and welcome.
Mail Trillian here<





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Women, The Internet and You: Tips for Men Who Use Online Dating Sites
Part I, Your Profile and Email

Part II, Selecting a Potential Date

Part III, Your First Date!

Part IV, After the First Date. Now What?


"50 First Dates"






Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.

Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Find Federal Officials
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or Search by State

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Contact The Media
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Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)

Quasar
Hyperbole
Amenable
Taciturn
Ennui
Prophetic
Tawdry
Hubris
Ethereal
Syzygy
Umbrageous
Twerp
Sluice
Omnipotent
Sanctuary
Malevolent
Maelstrom
Luddite
Subterfuge
Akimbo
Hoosegow
Dodecahedron
Visceral
Soupçon
Truculent
Vitriol
Mercurial
Kerfuffle
Sangfroid




























 







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Highlights from the Archives. Some favorite Trillian moments.

Void, Of Course: Eliminating Expectations and Emotions for a Better Way of Life

200i: iPodyssey

Macs Are from Venus, Windows is from Mars Can a relationship survive across platform barriers?
Jerking Off

Get A Job

Office Church Ladies: A Fieldguide

'Cause I'm a Blonde

True? Honestly? I think not.

A Good Day AND Funyuns?

The Easter Boy

Relationship in the Dumpster

Wedding Dress 4 Sale, Never Worn

Got Friends? Are You Sure? Take This Test

What About Class? Take This Test

A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away, There Was a Really Bad Movie

May Your Alchemical Process be Complete. Rob Roy Recipe

Good Thing She's Not in a Good Mood Very Often (We Knew it Wouldn't Last)

What Do I Have to Do to Put You in this Car Today?

Of Mice and Me (Killer Cat Strikes in Local Woman's Apartment)

Trillian: The Musical (The Holiday Special)

LA Woman (I Love (Hate) LA)

It is my Cultureth
...and it would suit-eth me kindly to speak-eth in such mannered tongue

Slanglish

It's a Little Bit Me, It's a Little Bit You
Blogging a Legacy for Future Generations


Parents Visiting? Use Trillian's Mantra!

Ghosts of Christmas Past: Mod Hair Ken

Caught Blogging by Mom, Boss or Other

2003 Holiday Sho-Lo/Mullet Awards

Crullers, The Beer Store and Other Saintly Places

Come on Out of that Doghouse! It's a Sunshine Day!

"...I had no idea our CEO is actually Paula Abdul in disguise."

Lap Dance of the Cripple

Of Muppets and American Idols
"I said happier place, not crappier place!"

Finally Off Crutches, Trillian is Emancipated

Payless? Trillian? Shoe Confessions

Reality Wednesday: Extremely Local Pub

Reality Wednesday: Backstage Staging Zone (The Sweater Blog)

The Night Secret Agent Man Shot My Dad

To Dream the Impossible Dream: The Office Karaoke Party

Trillian Flies Economy Class (Prisoner, Cell Block H)

Trillian Visits the Village of the Damned, Takes Drugs, Becomes Delusional and Blogs Her Brains Out

Trillian's Parents are Powerless

Striptease for Spiders: A PETA Charity Event (People for the Ethical Treatment of Arachnids)

What's Up with Trillian and the Richard Branson Worship?

"Screw the French and their politics, give me their cheese!"


















 
Mail Trillian here





Trillian's Guide to the Galaxy gives 5 stars to these places in the Universe:
So much more than fun with fonts, this is a daily dose of visual poetry set against a backdrop of historical trivia. (C'mon, how can you not love a site that notes Wolfman Jack's birthday?!)

CellStories

Alliance for the Great Lakes


Hot, so cool, so cool we're hot.

Ig Nobel Awards

And you think YOU have the worst bridesmaid dress?

Coolest Jewelry in the Universe here (trust Trillian, she knows)

Red Tango

If your boss is an idiot, click here.

Evil Cat Full of Loathing.

Wildlife Works

Detroit Cobras


The Beachwood Reporter is better than not all, but most sex.



Hey! Why not check out some great art and illustration while you're here? Please? It won't hurt and it's free.

Shag

Kii Arens

Tim Biskup

Jeff Soto

Jotto




Get Fuzzy Now!
If you're not getting fuzzy, you should be. All hail Darby Conley. Yes, he's part of the Syndicate. But he's cool.





Who or what is HWNMNBS: (He Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken) Trillian's ex-fiancé. "Issues? What issues?"







Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.


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Reading blogs at work? Click to escape to a suitable site!

Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains





























Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero

 
Monday, May 15, 2006  
Take Off, to the Great White North
You know how I hate my job? You know all the frustration and loneliness I’m experiencing due to a lack of a relationship and growing differences between my friends' lives and mine? You know how medical expenses are consuming my meager paycheck? You know how I hate the idiot mayor of the city in which I live? You know how I’m stressed and generally dissatisfied with the state of my life?

Well, guess what?! I’ve got a plan to do something about all of that in one fell swoop.

I’m putting my money where my mouth is and trying to immigrate to Canada.

Just a couple of little issues to resolve and I’m on my way, eh?

The biggest initial issue is the money involved.

Canada requires immigrants to arrive with funds to live for six months. The Canadian government has a set rate for this: For 1 person they require proof of a minimum of $10,168 at point of entry. The rules are very clear on this: Immigrants cannot borrow this money. They have to prove they have the set required amount for the number of people in their family at their disposal. Period. Fortunately it’s $10,168 Canadian which is currently $9,112.75 US.

Unfortunately I do not happen to have $9,112.75 at my disposal. Well. I do, in my 401K, but I don’t think the fund administrators will consider immigration to Canada a justifiable emergency. I could take out any amount I wanted to put a child (a blood or adopted child) through college but once again, those of us who do not have children miss out on the exemptions and benefits. I cannot use my money to educate myself. Or a niece or foster child. Or to help with expenses with my parents. Nope. Uh uh. No way. It’s there for retirement or to put a blood or adopted child through college or to loan out for a real estate investment. So that’s out of the question. Seriously, has anyone else questioned why the money can be used to fund a child’s education but not the continuing education of the person who actually earned and saved the money in the fund? Am I alone in thinking this is weird and wacky? If a person has a 401K they probably have a job or at least a means to contribute regular deposits to the plan. If that person were to desire to further their education, would it not stand to reason that they would earn more money after receiving that further education and hence put more money into the fund? A child of a person contributing to a 401K is not going to get out of college and start contributing to their parents’ 401K. So really, it’s a bad investment in terms of the 401K fund. But apparently I’m the only one who feels this way because the rules are firm and the same in all of the plans I’ve investigated. I do wonder what will happen to that money once I become Canadian, though. Someone’s going to have a nice little vacation on my meager savings I’ve struggled to put away over the past few years. Shame, too, because if I could take that money with me to Canada it would make a nice little nest egg what with the exchange rate.

I can’t borrow it. Canada is very clear about that. It has to be my money. So I have to earn it and save it. If you would like to contribute to the Trillian Immigrates to Canada, Eh? Fund (TITCEF, not to be confused with UNICEF which actually does really good things with their donations) I’ll be starting a pledge drive soon. I’ll get one of those thermometer signs to show the progress. I’m toying with the idea of making it like those PBS and NPR pledge drives. I could hold the blog hostage and interrupt regularly scheduled blogs with begs for money in return for a tote bag or some other useless piece of crap in my closet of crap at work. I could sort out the closet of crap and set up gifts for various levels of contribution.

There are also application and right of permanent residence fees. Currently $550 and $490 respectively. I find it kind of ironic the total for application fees is $1040. ($938.20 US) Add that to the pledge drive goal total.

I’m working on getting my police record. Canada requires a certified (by FBI) record and fingerprint. Any US citizen can request a copy of their FBI record and official fingerprint. It costs $18. Add that to the pledge fund. This should be interesting. I’ve always kind of wondered about what might be in my “permanent record” with the Feds. I assume a lot of immigration stuff, mainly to do with HWNMNBS and my little “incident” abroad. Ahem. I’m guessing. But maybe not. I dunno. I should find out regardless of my immigration to Canada, eh? It says you can challenge your record. “Hey look, I was younger then, it was all an innocent mistake…I didn’t realize my visa wasn’t valid for work…the guy at the embassy said it was just a delay in paperwork, not my fault…my passport was stolen in Paris, I mean, it happens, I went straight to the embassy, they said as long as my visa was on file it didn’t need to be stamped on my new passport and they’d get it to me and then they didn’t and look, I was young and trusting and I’m older and cynical now, it would never happen now. And HWNMNBS, I mean, how could I know he was going to dump me? All those forms and applications and letters and phone calls to INS, I mean, I was sincere. Turns out he wasn’t but I was…not my fault…can’t we just throw away all those forms and pretend it never happened? That’s what I try to do, just pretend the whole thing never happened. It doesn’t matter to him so why should it matter to me? Or you, the FBI? I’m just a pathetic jilted old woman. I’m better now, cynical, not so trusting. Let’s just forget about all those files, okay? Besides, I’m leaving, I’m immigrating to Canada. I don’t want to be American anymore, you can just purge my file. I saw that on the X-Files once. They just deleted a person, like they never existed. You guys can do that. You have the power. It’s okay with me. I don’t mind. I know I’d like to purge a few files in my office. Go ahead, purge me. But first let me have a clean certificate to send to Canada. Here’s the $18 I owe you.”

Canada requires a language exam. You have to prove you can speak English or French or both. They have certified language testing centres. A person wishing to become a Canadian must pass the Canadian English Language Proficiency Index Program, CELPIP. The CELPIP exam costs $250. ($225.53 US) The study guide costs $50. I’m on the fence with the study guide. I’ve been speaking English for a lot of years and I speak Canadian fluently, so, I’m thinking I can probably forgo the study guide. But, that might be cocky of me and I don’t want to let something like a language exam get in the way of my Canadian immigration. So add it to the bill. The exam is in August. I’m already psyched. There are essay questions. I love essay questions. Yes. I am a very emotionally disturbed person.

And then there’s the medical exam. Yes. Canada requires a medical exam. The two main stipulations are that I not be a danger to public health or safety; or cause excessive demand on health or social services in Canada. Okay. Well. I had Mumps so I don’t think I’m a danger to public health or safety. But. I have racked up a rather large file at my doctor’s office. I owe a lot of money to the medical community thanks to high co-pay amounts on my health insurance. If the Canadian medical examiner starts poking around they’re going to find that I’ve got a history of emergency room visits and hospital stays and treatment for issues stemming from accidents. They’re going to see scars and bones which haven’t healed quite exactly into proper position. (they take x-rays, they’re apparently very thorough) They’re going to hear the rattle of asthma in my lungs and the slight limp in my gait when I take a first few steps. They’ll see the tell tale dark circles of sleep deprivation under my eyes. And they will conclude that I will potentially cause excessive demand on health services in Canada. “Okay, well, Miss McMillian, Mumps, eh? Were you not vaccinated or infected as a child? Oh yes, I see, well, these things happen. Bad timing, a train full of children during Mumps season, of course, just wrong place at the wrong time. And just how did you get that nasty scar under your eye? Car accident, eh? Well. That was lucky you didn’t lose your eye. Oh, yes, and the rib fractures from the same accident, yes, I see, you were just a passenger. On a date. With a drunk driver. Do you normally take that sort of risk with your health and life? No? Well of course, you couldn’t have known he was drunk. Ahem. Right. So this ankle and foot appear to be slightly misaligned. Oh, and a bit swollen today, too, eh? How’d this happen? Mugged, eh? Wow. Do you normally engage in risky behaviors that would put you in the path of assailants? No? Well, you see, it’s just that you seem to be prone to victimization, and there are studies which conclude some people are predisposed to victimization. Single women, for instance, tend to have a higher incidence of health issues stemming from victimization. And depression. And suicide..." I can see the big rubber stamp DENIED coming down on my application.

I have to decide where I’m going to live. Unfortunately Canada offers a wide variety of appealing choices. Vancouver is the obvious first choice, I mean, duh. But, then again, Toronto’s not without it’s charm and Ottawa is really swell. I like the idea of Nova Scotia. I even like saying Nova Scotia. I can say it in Canadian, like a native. And they’ve got a swell immigration program specifically to bring immigrants to Nova Scotia. Check out the management nomination requirements. I don’t happen to have a net worth of $300,000 so unfortunately that program’s not going to work for me. Darn it. I had my hopes up with that one. But then, Newfoundland is not without appeal. I like cold weather. And water. And rugged terrain. And wide open spaces. And I’m already emotionally isolated and distant, might as well just go all the way and endure physical isolation and distance, too, eh? Work might be a problem for me because I don’t happen to be schooled or, well, interested in the lumber, mining or fishing industries. But I like dogs so maybe something in the Labrador or Newfoundland breeding industry could be right up my alley. Yep. I’m going to start a puppy mill. In Newfoundland. Hey. It could happen. It certainly couldn’t be any worse than my current job, eh? And, check out the dating site I found for Newfoundland singles. A quick check garnered 82 men. Fresh prey. Whoo boy! Plenty of Fish also has a Newfoundland area on their site. Seriously, I’m liking my odds up there.

Yes. I’ve done my homework. It’s not easy to immigrate to Canada, but, I like their screening process. I can get on board with a country who sets up a standard process for everyone wishing to live in Canada. I know their national anthem. In English and French. I’m willing to pledge my allegiance to a red maple leafed flag. I’m up to the challenge. If I fail, well, then, I’m just not Canada material. I’ll have to make due with my life in the US.

Or maybe Mexico will take me. I hear their screening process for new immigrants is easier. And cheaper. $211 (US) for the FM-2 application fee, another $36 if you apply through the consulate, 6 black/white passport photos, Authorization letter from the Ministry of the Interior in Mexico, a one page PDF form and away you go. The form’s in Spanish, though, and they require that it be filled out in Spanish. They’re not reciprocating the US’s offer to provide forms and services in Spanish to Spanish speaking immigrants. Mexico doesn’t offer or accept forms in English. They don’t require a language exam, though. They may ask for proof of finances, enough to afford to live there for a year. But their minimum wage and cost of living is low, so I’m told if I can scrap up about 800 pesos ($72.38 US) they figure I’m good for a month. Mexico’s president is eager to get rid of citizens, too, really pushing to get millions of them into the US, so that letter from the Ministry of the Interior might be tricky. And their new loosened laws on drugs and drug use is going to cause a flood of applications so I’ll have to get in line behind the stoners. But hey, there’s never been a better time to be Mexican, right? Party on, dude. Yes, I am aware of the “culture” in Canada. And I’ve heard about the special blend out of British Columbia. Wait a minute, are you from the FBI? I’m just saying I’ve heard of it. I have asthma. I don’t smoke anything. I’ve got the medical exam to prove it. I don't know the Mexican National Anthem by heart yet, but I'm learning it, en Espanol. But I do know Senor don Gato. Meow meow meow. And I know how to make a kickin' salsa cheese dip. I got the recipe from everyone's favorite authentic Mexican cook, Rick Bayless. So. You know. It's an easy plan B. If the Canada thing doesn't work out for me. There's always Mexico.

12:16 PM

 
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