The recent iPhocalypse amongst my friends and family has opened the yearly holiday issues for me. My friends and family have money. They buy things. Lots of things. Lots of expensive things. They go on vacations wherein they buy exotic expensive things. Even if I had a job and money to spend on gifts, I have no clue what I could buy them that they don't already own, or, that would be a welcomed present. They have very distinct and very expensive taste.

I already gave away my unique possessions as gifts - things over which friends and family had previously shown interest. Rare albums, a couple lithographs, jewelry, a few first edition books, my vintage Hermes scarf that a friend coveted for years...I could have sold those items but instead I gave them away as holiday and birthday gifts. So. I exhausted that holiday gift route. If you're thinking about doing this, be warned, it was met with less than enthusiastic response. The comments were typically, "Oh. I didn't know we were doing a white elephant thing this year." People expect, and want, new items as holiday and birthday gifts. Never mind that those albums, lithographs, books and that scarf were some of my most cherished possessions, things I thought I'd never part with until death, and they were given from the depth of my heart. People, my family and friends, thought that if I want to give away my stuff I should just give it to them, not as a gift, especially not as a holiday gift. Apparently the decorum on giving away one's possessions is that you give them for no specific reason other than, "here, I want you to have this." Not wrapped up as a holiday or birthday present. I lived and learned that lesson. Two people told me it was tacky. Others didn't say it out loud but their less than enthusiastic responses said it loud and clear.

And now here we are again, holiday items in stock at Costco, holiday decorations going up at Target...it's the most wonderful time of the year. The leave haven't even turned, yet, but it's time to start thinking about holiday gift giving.

I do not have money. I'm down to three apples and a half box of cereal and still nothing work-wise except a couple of inquiries about freelance projects and four, count 'em four, full-time job rejection letters yesterday. One was personal and kind of snarky. You don't want to hire me? Okay, that's your choice, but you don't have to be mean about it. This is a trend I've noticed in the past year - the rejection letters are now tinged with strong wording like, "we have removed your candidate profile as you are not a fit for our company and we will not consider you for future opportunities with us." Alrighty then.

So. I'm thinking about making good on a vow I've made every year for the past 10 years. The vow wherein I promise myself that when the holiday decorations go up in Target I will summon the courage and resolve to send an email to friends and relatives telling them that I don't want to exchange holiday gifts.

Yep, even before I was laid off I wanted to do this. But I always chicken out. Initially I thought I would say something like, "Let's focus on the children" and set an age limit for gifts, like, no one over the age of 18 gets a gift. But then I imagined the college freshman, home from a rough first semester, reveling in the joy of tearing open gifts with her younger siblings only to discover  that she missed the gift cut-off by four months. Ick. I couldn't do that.

And no matter how carefully and tactfully I composed the emails, after re-reading them, that is to say, reading through the lines like my friends and family would, they sounded contrite or spiteful or selfish. Which is what I presume people think about other people who dare to broach the topic of discontinuing holiday gift exchanges.

A lot of families (and friend groups) draw names so each person only has to buy one gift. They also often set price limits. This seems like a rational, fair solution to the holiday gift issue. My mother dared to suggest this once. It didn't go over very well. If anyone other than my mother suggested it there would have been a much more heated aftermath. But everyone loves and adores and respects my mother so her idea was met with loving, "Awwww, that's a nice idea but we enjoy the holidays so much, we enjoy buying gifts for the family." And that was that. The one person who was on my mother's side and chimed in with support was met with, "We understand if you can't afford holiday gifts, just get something for the kids." That one person was me and the message was loud and clear: You don't have a husband or children, we only have to pick up a pre-packaged gift of body wash and a candle and throw in a gift bag for you and we're done with our shopping for you, you are not a time or financial burden to the rest of us, therefore your vote doesn't count in family decisions.

Where my family is concerned, the husband and children thing is a secret issue for me. I am expected to procure gifts for my siblings, their spouses/dates, and their children. That's eight gifts I have to find, buy and wrap (and usually mail). Whereas I have not burdened my siblings with a spouse and children for whom they have to procure gifts. They give me whatever bath product gift set they find on Black Friday and give it to me "from the family," whereas I'm finding gifts for my brother, his wife, their child, my sister, her boyfriend du jour, and her three children. I tried "gifts for the whole family" a few years - one gift for my brother and his wife and child, and one gift for my sister, her husband and children - yeah...that didn't really go over very well. And honestly, it was more difficult to come up with one family gift that everyone would like than finding individual gifts. It's not really about me being petty and pouting and whining that it's not fair, which is why I never say anything about this - I don't want to seem like a pouty whiner. And I don't want to be petty. But. It's not fair. And I'm kinda sick of it. And I'm poor.

So.

I need your help. Have you ever broached the topic of ceasing a holiday gift exchange? Did you say it in person or in an email? How did you word it? What was the response? Did family fights and/or awkwardness break out as a result? Are you viewed as the family Scrooge? The family petty, selfish whiner?

"I got the golden ticket!"