Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.

Otherwise, hello, and welcome.
Mail Trillian here<





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Women, The Internet and You: Tips for Men Who Use Online Dating Sites
Part I, Your Profile and Email

Part II, Selecting a Potential Date

Part III, Your First Date!

Part IV, After the First Date. Now What?


"50 First Dates"






Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.

Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Find Federal Officials
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or Search by State

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Contact The Media
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Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)

Quasar
Hyperbole
Amenable
Taciturn
Ennui
Prophetic
Tawdry
Hubris
Ethereal
Syzygy
Umbrageous
Twerp
Sluice
Omnipotent
Sanctuary
Malevolent
Maelstrom
Luddite
Subterfuge
Akimbo
Hoosegow
Dodecahedron
Visceral
Soupçon
Truculent
Vitriol
Mercurial
Kerfuffle
Sangfroid




























 







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Highlights from the Archives. Some favorite Trillian moments.

Void, Of Course: Eliminating Expectations and Emotions for a Better Way of Life

200i: iPodyssey

Macs Are from Venus, Windows is from Mars Can a relationship survive across platform barriers?
Jerking Off

Get A Job

Office Church Ladies: A Fieldguide

'Cause I'm a Blonde

True? Honestly? I think not.

A Good Day AND Funyuns?

The Easter Boy

Relationship in the Dumpster

Wedding Dress 4 Sale, Never Worn

Got Friends? Are You Sure? Take This Test

What About Class? Take This Test

A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away, There Was a Really Bad Movie

May Your Alchemical Process be Complete. Rob Roy Recipe

Good Thing She's Not in a Good Mood Very Often (We Knew it Wouldn't Last)

What Do I Have to Do to Put You in this Car Today?

Of Mice and Me (Killer Cat Strikes in Local Woman's Apartment)

Trillian: The Musical (The Holiday Special)

LA Woman (I Love (Hate) LA)

It is my Cultureth
...and it would suit-eth me kindly to speak-eth in such mannered tongue

Slanglish

It's a Little Bit Me, It's a Little Bit You
Blogging a Legacy for Future Generations


Parents Visiting? Use Trillian's Mantra!

Ghosts of Christmas Past: Mod Hair Ken

Caught Blogging by Mom, Boss or Other

2003 Holiday Sho-Lo/Mullet Awards

Crullers, The Beer Store and Other Saintly Places

Come on Out of that Doghouse! It's a Sunshine Day!

"...I had no idea our CEO is actually Paula Abdul in disguise."

Lap Dance of the Cripple

Of Muppets and American Idols
"I said happier place, not crappier place!"

Finally Off Crutches, Trillian is Emancipated

Payless? Trillian? Shoe Confessions

Reality Wednesday: Extremely Local Pub

Reality Wednesday: Backstage Staging Zone (The Sweater Blog)

The Night Secret Agent Man Shot My Dad

To Dream the Impossible Dream: The Office Karaoke Party

Trillian Flies Economy Class (Prisoner, Cell Block H)

Trillian Visits the Village of the Damned, Takes Drugs, Becomes Delusional and Blogs Her Brains Out

Trillian's Parents are Powerless

Striptease for Spiders: A PETA Charity Event (People for the Ethical Treatment of Arachnids)

What's Up with Trillian and the Richard Branson Worship?

"Screw the French and their politics, give me their cheese!"


















 
Mail Trillian here





Trillian's Guide to the Galaxy gives 5 stars to these places in the Universe:
So much more than fun with fonts, this is a daily dose of visual poetry set against a backdrop of historical trivia. (C'mon, how can you not love a site that notes Wolfman Jack's birthday?!)

CellStories

Alliance for the Great Lakes


Hot, so cool, so cool we're hot.

Ig Nobel Awards

And you think YOU have the worst bridesmaid dress?

Coolest Jewelry in the Universe here (trust Trillian, she knows)

Red Tango

If your boss is an idiot, click here.

Evil Cat Full of Loathing.

Wildlife Works

Detroit Cobras


The Beachwood Reporter is better than not all, but most sex.



Hey! Why not check out some great art and illustration while you're here? Please? It won't hurt and it's free.

Shag

Kii Arens

Tim Biskup

Jeff Soto

Jotto




Get Fuzzy Now!
If you're not getting fuzzy, you should be. All hail Darby Conley. Yes, he's part of the Syndicate. But he's cool.





Who or what is HWNMNBS: (He Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken) Trillian's ex-fiancé. "Issues? What issues?"







Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.


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Reading blogs at work? Click to escape to a suitable site!

Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains





























Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero

 
Thursday, October 07, 2010  

Dear Hiring Manager/Human Capital Coordinator/HR peon,
I recently applied for a marketing manager position at your highly esteemed company. The careers section of your website is very informative! It details (with copious links) the high regard you have established as a “great place to work.” There are employee testimonials and survey data showcasing the emphasis you place on employees and their career goals at your company. You cite surveys from both Fortune and Forbes touting your high level of commitment to employee satisfaction and your investment in human capital. Very impressive!

Naturally I was very excited to see a job posting with a description detailing not only my career goals, but also matching my professional experience and education. I could barely contain my enthusiasm upon learning of a suitable job opportunity for me at your company!

I pored over the details of the job description giving each detail serious thought and consideration. After thoughtful and careful review I concluded that I exactly match your desired skills and experience. I was so excited about the potential opportunity!

I researched your company and your client-base. With each passing bit of information I found I became more interested and eager about the professional possibilities and what I have to offer your company.

I analyzed my research data on your company and your clients. I collected and analyzed my experience and skill sets. I compared and contrasted your desires for a job candidate, your company history and client base against my experience and skills. The final statistical analysis concluded that based on your job description and what I learned about your company and clients I am 100% qualified for the job. 

I then crafted a thoughtful and informative cover letter and resume telling you about me and why I am qualified for the job. I told you why I want the job, and more importantly what assets I can bring to your company. I gave thoughtful, detailed job description specific, quantifiable, verifiable examples of my work history. I offered links to former client sites showcasing my work as well as my own website showcasing projects, my career details and highlights. I gave you real-life, real-time, in-use examples of my work in the cover letter and in the many (many) essay questions on your online application.

I thoughtfully completed all the (many and extensive) pages of your hiring site process. I put full effort into the myriad essay questions, even the "optional" ones. I uploaded required Word documents, pdf documents and links. I self-identified my race, gender, age, marital, disability, veteran and criminal history status. (Because I couldn't advance to the next page of the application unless I made selections for each of those categories. And hey, if I'm lucky enough to get an interview at your highly esteemed company it's going to be obvious I'm a white girl over the age of 30 who doesn't wear a wedding/engagement ring, walks with a limp and hasn't served time in the military. Illegal questions, schmillegal schmestions. People get so hung up on that stuff!) And when you asked if I had religious obligations I barely flinched. I even gave you my social security number because your (very) comprehensive careers site requires all applicants to submit that information.

Between research on your company and clients and your arduous “user friendly comprehensive” online application process I spent over 12 hours on my application. Excited and confident in my abilities and application, I pressed the “submit” button at 7 PM Monday evening.

11:28 AM Thursday morning I received a form email from your “online recruiter” stating:
“Dear Applicant,
Thank you for submitting your application for the position of Marketing Manager. Unfortunately we have decided not to pursue your application at this time because other candidates' qualifications more closely match the position requirements.”

I realize hiring managers receive hundreds, sometimes thousands of applications for a single job. I understand that number increases exponentially when multiplied by the number of  job openings. I realize that equates to a high volume of applicants. So I do not expect hiring managers to spend a lot of time reviewing candidates. I understand there is a specific skill set delineated by key words and phrases in cover letters and resumes. I understand there are many (many) qualified candidates from which to choose in the marketing industry.

I respect your company and the caliber of work you produce. I want you to have continued success and esteem as an industry leader. So I hope the qualified marketing peer chosen for this professional opportunity does a great job and brings your company continued accolades.

Along with my professional experience I also have an impressive amount of experience with rejection. (See above, many (many) qualified candidates from which to choose in the marketing field.) I am a gracious loser and I am resilient (and intrepid). I am not bitter, resentful or mentally unstable. I have thick skin that quickly heals without scarring.

Please keep that in mind when I ask the following:

What do you want? What were you looking for in a candidate? Was there something you didn’t mention in the job description, something that immediately disqualified me? It would be extremely helpful for me to know why you dismissed my application so quickly. 

I spent over 12 hours applying for one job at your company, a company that boasts “priority investment in human capital.” How much time did you spend reviewing my application? Three minutes? A minute? 30 seconds? The time it takes your automatic response software to process and send an email? Did an actual human assess my human capital? 

You required many (many) web pages of personal information and subjective essay responses to many (many) questions. I thought (hoped) that was a reflection of your candidate review process. I thought it spoke to your commitment to invest in human capital. I presumed because you require such an extensive and subjective application that your screening process is equally extensive and subjective. 

Perhaps you have an HR staff of hundreds devoted to subjectively reviewing job applications. If so, then kudos to you for living up to your reputation as a company devoted to investing in human capital. If, however, as I suspect, you do not have hundreds of people reviewing job applications and you utilize application screening software, why bother with the myriad essay questions required on your application website? I ask this because I'm confused and I want to understand. I have a thirst for knowledge in hiring processes. 

Other companies, companies who do not win accolades from Forbes and Fortune, have more streamlined online application processes. Some require one or two essay answers, most do not require candidates to self-identify their race, gender, age, disability, marital, and veteran status (probably because it's illegal to require this information) and very few require that social security numbers be provided on the initial online application. Your site is indeed comprehensive and unique, hence my confusion and quest for information.

My blood type is A+, by the way. You didn’t ask for that information but since it’s the only piece of information you didn’t require on your application I thought I’d offer it so that you know absolutely everything not only about my professional career but also my personal life. Perhaps when you’re researching human capital for future job openings you’ll have a need for an A+ blood type candidate.

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9:53 PM

 
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