Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.

Otherwise, hello, and welcome.
Mail Trillian here<




Trillian McMillian
Trillian McMillian
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Women, The Internet and You: Tips for Men Who Use Online Dating Sites
Part I, Your Profile and Email

Part II, Selecting a Potential Date

Part III, Your First Date!

Part IV, After the First Date. Now What?


"50 First Dates"






Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.

Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Find Federal Officials
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Contact The Media
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Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)

Quasar
Hyperbole
Amenable
Taciturn
Ennui
Prophetic
Tawdry
Hubris
Ethereal
Syzygy
Umbrageous
Twerp
Sluice
Omnipotent
Sanctuary
Malevolent
Maelstrom
Luddite
Subterfuge
Akimbo
Hoosegow
Dodecahedron
Visceral
Soupçon
Truculent
Vitriol
Mercurial
Kerfuffle
Sangfroid




























 







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Highlights from the Archives. Some favorite Trillian moments.

Void, Of Course: Eliminating Expectations and Emotions for a Better Way of Life

200i: iPodyssey

Macs Are from Venus, Windows is from Mars Can a relationship survive across platform barriers?
Jerking Off

Get A Job

Office Church Ladies: A Fieldguide

'Cause I'm a Blonde

True? Honestly? I think not.

A Good Day AND Funyuns?

The Easter Boy

Relationship in the Dumpster

Wedding Dress 4 Sale, Never Worn

Got Friends? Are You Sure? Take This Test

What About Class? Take This Test

A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away, There Was a Really Bad Movie

May Your Alchemical Process be Complete. Rob Roy Recipe

Good Thing She's Not in a Good Mood Very Often (We Knew it Wouldn't Last)

What Do I Have to Do to Put You in this Car Today?

Of Mice and Me (Killer Cat Strikes in Local Woman's Apartment)

Trillian: The Musical (The Holiday Special)

LA Woman (I Love (Hate) LA)

It is my Cultureth
...and it would suit-eth me kindly to speak-eth in such mannered tongue

Slanglish

It's a Little Bit Me, It's a Little Bit You
Blogging a Legacy for Future Generations


Parents Visiting? Use Trillian's Mantra!

Ghosts of Christmas Past: Mod Hair Ken

Caught Blogging by Mom, Boss or Other

2003 Holiday Sho-Lo/Mullet Awards

Crullers, The Beer Store and Other Saintly Places

Come on Out of that Doghouse! It's a Sunshine Day!

"...I had no idea our CEO is actually Paula Abdul in disguise."

Lap Dance of the Cripple

Of Muppets and American Idols
"I said happier place, not crappier place!"

Finally Off Crutches, Trillian is Emancipated

Payless? Trillian? Shoe Confessions

Reality Wednesday: Extremely Local Pub

Reality Wednesday: Backstage Staging Zone (The Sweater Blog)

The Night Secret Agent Man Shot My Dad

To Dream the Impossible Dream: The Office Karaoke Party

Trillian Flies Economy Class (Prisoner, Cell Block H)

Trillian Visits the Village of the Damned, Takes Drugs, Becomes Delusional and Blogs Her Brains Out

Trillian's Parents are Powerless

Striptease for Spiders: A PETA Charity Event (People for the Ethical Treatment of Arachnids)

What's Up with Trillian and the Richard Branson Worship?

"Screw the French and their politics, give me their cheese!"


















 
Mail Trillian here





Trillian's Guide to the Galaxy gives 5 stars to these places in the Universe:
So much more than fun with fonts, this is a daily dose of visual poetry set against a backdrop of historical trivia. (C'mon, how can you not love a site that notes Wolfman Jack's birthday?!)

CellStories

Alliance for the Great Lakes


Hot, so cool, so cool we're hot.

Ig Nobel Awards

And you think YOU have the worst bridesmaid dress?

Coolest Jewelry in the Universe here (trust Trillian, she knows)

Red Tango

If your boss is an idiot, click here.

Evil Cat Full of Loathing.

Wildlife Works

Detroit Cobras


The Beachwood Reporter is better than not all, but most sex.



Hey! Why not check out some great art and illustration while you're here? Please? It won't hurt and it's free.

Shag

Kii Arens

Tim Biskup

Jeff Soto

Jotto




Get Fuzzy Now!
If you're not getting fuzzy, you should be. All hail Darby Conley. Yes, he's part of the Syndicate. But he's cool.





Who or what is HWNMNBS: (He Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken) Trillian's ex-fiancé. "Issues? What issues?"







Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.


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Reading blogs at work? Click to escape to a suitable site!

Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains





























Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero

 
Friday, October 03, 2008  
Frozen Pizza Industry Acknowledges Singles Market




California Pizza Kitchen's "Pizza for One" frozen pizzas offer singles a smaller portion size option of the popular frozen pizza varieties.



CHICAGO: Move over family-size deluxe. There’s a new kid demanding space on the shelves in the frozen food aisle. Pizza for One is bucking the trend of jumbo and economy sizes. Offering smaller versions of the traditionally sized frozen pizza varieties, Pizza for One is out to conquer the frozen pizza market.

“I doubt that very much,” Patrick Carson, a programer who goes by PC chortled. “There's no conquering going on in the frozen pizza aisle. It’s just a marketing gimmick. They’re trying to get away with selling less but giving it a name which sounds like a good idea, when in fact they’re just selling less food for more money. Me? I’m sticking with the jumbo deluxe 2 for $10 pizza. More pizza for my buck, a better value. It’s like this (air quote) green movement (air unquote) all these cutbacks, companies eliminating stuff, cutting back, charging more, but they put on the socially acceptable and popular disclaimer of (air quote) going green (air unquote) and everyone's all smug and eager to pay more money for less product. No one's even proved there is a global warming problem but we’re all supposed to be so impressed when someone says a product is now (air quote) going green (air unquote). Going green only means one thing: Cheating the customer. Charging more money for less product. And us consumers pay the price. It might make us feel less guilty to buy a smaller pizza, but it costs more per bite and doesn’t fill you up.”

Tricia McMillian, a creative director and marketing manager, discovered the Pizza for One by accident and sees the marketing perspective differently, “I was picking up a box of Boca Burgers and furtively glanced over at the frozen pizza section. Boy was I surprised to see that someone finally discovered and acknowledged the true frozen pizza demographic: Single people. Yes, it costs more per ounce than the larger sizes, but I'm used to that. Single people traditionally get screwed in the wallet. We pay a higher percentage in income taxes, we pay more for travel - price tours and cruises as a single if you want a black and white example of financial discrimination against singles - it's just a fact of being single. I don't like it, but as a single person I have to accept it. The single serving portion size is at least a step in the right direction. At least we're being acknowledged. Hopefully this will lead to reduced pricing, too. Today frozen pizza. Tomorrow fair income tax rates.”

She does not share PC’s skepticism, “Just because we’re single and happen to partake in frozen pizza doesn’t mean we aren’t self, I mean weight conscious. Less pizza in the box means less pain on the ego, I mean weight on the hips.”

The frozen pizza market is segmented between high school babysitters, college students, football party hosts and single people. There is no concrete evidence that single people comprise the market share of frozen pizza sales, but Kortney Jenkins, a cashier at a local grocery had this to say during her cigarette break, “Single people. Total freaks and losers. No doubt. Single people. Except during football season, a lot of hot guys come in and stock up before football games. I get invited to a lot of their parties. But other than that, yeah, totally single people. I work the 4 to 11 on Fridays a lot. It’s like a freakfest in here. Frozen pizzas fly out of the freezer aisle. All these losers, like, come in on their way home from work. I turned 21 last year so they put me in the express checkout to speed up the line. The guys usually buy a six pack or two and a couple of the meat lovers frozen pizzas. They’re totally not picky, they even buy the store brands. The women are more willing to spend the big bucks. It’s their big treat of the week, their big Friday night celebration so they buy the expensive brands, the gourmet style. La dee dah. I guess they think it’s exotic or something. Ha! Losers. Wanna make a good impression on their cats! Sometimes they’ll buy a bottle of wine, usually they spend more money on the frozen pizza than their wine. The $5.99 on special bottles. What cracks me up is when they buy a pack of diet pop with it. It’s always diet pop. Like that’s gonna take off those pizza hips and butt. Losers. I’d kill myself if I ever ended up sitting home alone with a bunch of cats eating frozen pizza and diet pop on a Friday night. Gawd. Kill me now, you know?”

“Even though it's nice to be recognized and accommodated as a consumer, something us single people rarely see, there is a stigma to it,” Miss McMillian agrees. “I mean, it is frozen pizza. As excited as I was about the new smaller serving size, the ‘Pizza for One’ title blazing across the box does make me feel self conscious. They might as well call it, ‘That’s It, Show’s over Folks, Nothing Left to See Here’ pizza. Or ‘Frozen Pizza for Single People Who’ve Eaten a Few Too Many Regular Sized Frozen Pizzas.’ It’s bad enough to end up eating frozen pizza at all, but to have ‘Pizza for One’ staring back at me…well…it’s just, it’s validation of a single person’s deepest fears. I’m a single woman eating frozen pizza, alone. But, I’m working to get past that. I never meant for my life to turn out this way. I want to date interesting, intelligent, kind, humorous men and one day settle down, you know, get married, have children, eat three nutritious meals a day…I never intended to be eating frozen pizza at my age. I never in a million years thought I’d end up like this. I have a job, you know? A career. I have college degrees! I'm well traveled, I've seen a lot of the world. I have interests and a sense of humor. I’m a good person. I am human and I do need to be loved. This is not what I want for my life, this is not the way it’s supposed to be…” choking a sob and then taking a deep breath to regain composure, McMillian adds, “The smaller portion size is perfect for me.”

No conclusive data is yet available on the impact frozen Pizza for One will have on the traditional pizza market. In this pizza town, deep dish giants dominate the restaurant and take-out scene. Everyone has a favorite pizza place and local pies are elevated to forms of art.

Ronnie Donovan, the owner of a local pizza restaurant with stores and delivery in most of the metropolitan area believes it won’t affect his business. “Apples and oranges. People who eat frozen pizza are usually single and budget conscious. The home delivery market is families or people with friends – a social life – with more discriminating taste.”

Marco Donovan, a delivery boy for Ronnie, and also his nephew, says, “My uncle’s right in some respects. I do deliver to a lot of families and parties. But I deliver to a surprising number of single people, too. The thing is, there’s no way to get an accurate count because a lot of single people who order pizza pretend to be having a party or pretend their significant other is on the way over. I know for a fact a lot of times the only significant other is a cat or dog. Single women have cats, single guys have dogs. We have a two for one deal and I’ve seen guys give the second pizza to their dog. The women, though, hey won’t let the cats near it.”

When asked about the misrepresentation of social involvement, PC scoffed. "Why would I pretend? I don't need to impress a pizza delivery guy. Frozen is just easier, faster, cheaper."

However, Miss McMillian had this to say, “Oh geeze. How embarrassing. Yes. Yes. Okay? Yes. I’ve pretended to be on the phone talking to ‘my boyfriend’ who’s ‘on his way over’ when the pizza delivery guy arrives. I used to turn up the stereo and step out into the hall when the delivery guy arrived. I pretended to be having a party. I know. I know. It’s stupid and embarrassing. I know. But it’s stupid and embarrassing to be a single person ordering pizza, too…” indignity turning to somber solace, “it’s a manifestation of denial. To openly embrace and admit that you’re alone and ordering delivered pizza, especially two for one, you have to accept that you are in fact single, alone and ordering pizza. Two pizzas. Consequently frozen pizza is easier on the single’s psyche. Though, I um, well, I do the fake phone call thing with frozen pizza sometimes, too. When I’m standing line I’ll pretend to call someone and leave a message on ‘their’ voice mail. The script goes like this, “Hi, it’s me. I had a really rough day at work, that client intake meeting was horrible. I’m beat and I’ve got to work all weekend on the budget proposal so I’m just going to grab a pizza and stay in tonight and keep up the momentum of the project. If I get that proposal done maybe we can go out tomorrow night.’ I know it’s ridiculous and who cares what the cashier with the neon purple nail polish and stupid white trash stamp cliché thorny rose in a heart tattoo on her ankle thinks? But it salves the already wounded ego. I mean, let’s face it, no one wants to be eating frozen pizza alone on a Friday night. Those fake phone calls give single people a little dignity.”

But what of pride with the Pizza for One? On a trip to an area grocery on a recent Friday night we found the frozen pizza section to be one of the busier in the store. However many of the patrons buying frozen pizza refused comment. Brock Williams, a shopper in the chilled beer section, had this to say about his fellow shoppers in the frozen pizza aisle, “Yeah, I eat it sometimes. A bunch of us guys will have ‘em if we’re watching a college game. Something about college football makes you hungry for frozen pizza. Guess it reminds you of being in college. Sunday and Monday night games, though, you get the real thing delivered.” When asked about Friday night, Mr. Williams chuckled, “No one but losers eats frozen pizza on a Friday night. Ugly single women. The guys who work with computers and live in their parents’ basement. Those kinds of people. There’s never any hot chicks over there. It’s as bad as the cat food aisle.”

“It does perpetuate the negative stereotype and validate the worst fears of single people,” Dr. Brig Meiers confirmed. “Not only is it frozen pizza, it’s Pizza for One. Whoa boy. No pussyfooting around there. Pizza. For one. Not two. Not family sized. For one. Frozen, no less. Might as well come with a loaded gun or a bonus topping of cyanide. It’s that much of a slap in the face to single peoples’ already wounded pride and low self esteem.”

Dr. Meiers continues, “Though from a physical standpoint, as a doctor I do have to congratulate the frozen pizza industry for offering smaller versions of their popular frozen pizzas. If single people can get past the social stigma and embrace the Pizza for One concept, they’ll ultimately gain in health what they lose in pride. And who knows? Maybe by reducing their portion size they’ll shed a few pounds, lower their cholesterol and blood pressure and be more attractive to members of the opposite sex.” So, Pizza for One could lead to tea for two?

“That would be great, wouldn’t it? But, har har, it is still frozen pizza. We can’t expect miracles.”

The frozen pizza market is as complex as society itself, it seems.

Ms. McMillian concurs. “I hate myself for falling into the cliché of a single person sitting home alone eating frozen pizza. But just because I’m single and occasionally partake in a frozen pizza doesn’t mean I don’t care about my health. With the regular sized frozen pizzas, and especially delivered pizzas, temptation to overindulge is high. It takes a lot of will power to not pick away at it until it’s all gone. So the smaller sizes are better in the long run, even if the name does twist a knife into a painful wound. I long for the day when anyone can hold their head high when they buy a frozen pizza, the day when there’s no barrier, no shame, no social indignity in the freezer aisle. Or until I find a man willing to spend time with me on a Friday night. But until then, there’s Pizza for One.”




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7:23 PM

Wednesday, October 01, 2008  
Okay, so, just so we're all clear on this, Life(?) of Trillian is a nonpartisan, election propaganda-free zone.

Consider this your place to turn when the election and politics makes your head ache or your stomach hurt. Or if you just want (or need) a break from the election.

I believe in voting. It's a right, a responsibility, a duty, an obligation and above all a choice. As citizens we're given the freedom of choice. Exercising that choice, even if that choice is not voting is important for all of us - individually and as a whole. Hey, we're a free people. Whatever your opinion, motivation or choice you have the freedom to exercise it.

But. I will say this in a very non-partisan way: Make a conscious decision. Don't be passive about the politics which shape the world in which you live. At the very least, strive to be informed. Credibly informed.

Political campaigns are marketing. The product being hawked is a candidate. Vote for me = buy this product. Put as much research and thought into selecting a candidate as you do choosing a pain reliever. You could just buy whatever's on sale. Or the one which had a discount coupon in the Sunday paper. But it might cause liver damage. Or make you sick to your stomach. Or relieve the inflamation but not the pain. Or interfere with other medications you take. Better to do real research instead of falling victim to marketing. Be an informed, aware consumer.

I also believe if you're reading this you are intelligent, aware, and mature enough to do your own research and make up your own mind about politicians. You're also kind and open minded enough to respect ideas and opinions other than your own.

So we here at Life(?) of Trillian will deliberately avoid the topic of the election.

Oh sure, we might discuss some related situations. But only in a non-partisan, as-they-happen, observing and reporting manner.

For instance, should someone at Life(?) of Trillian experience questionable behavior at a polling place, that person might put it out there for the world to see.

Or if the Universe needs a reality check on the process of voting, one might find a few words here.

Heck, were someone to make official endorsements you might even find them here.

But.

We are a non-partisan safe house on the web. Love all, respect all.

Okay. Now that that's out of the way, a few words on the word of the day: Electioneering.

We've covered this ground in the past.

But.

In the past two weeks I've received numerous forward emails about wearing campaign buttons, t-shirts, jock straps or thongs when you vote.

Electioneering is apparently a little known "rule." I guess they don't teach it in required civics or government classes anymore. So the Henny Penny-esque, "This is an outrage and a violation of my rights!" "We're one vote away from communism!" fear-triggered proliferation of these emails is causing an internet frenzy.

Altogether now. Calmly. Rationally. Hold my hand. It will be okay. I promise.

Electioneering is not allowed within 100 feet of polling places in most states. This is one of those fundamental rules in place to ensure everyone feels free to cast their vote without influence, bribe or threat of persecution. Everyone, regardless of their political beliefs or affiliations, deserves the right to sleep soundly in the knowledge that within 100 feet of their polling place they will be in a marketing-free, judgment-free, persecution-free, peer pressure-free zone.

Polling places are sacred - they are non-partisan sanctuaries of freedom.

Period.

Hence, the rules regarding electioneering.

Period.

This is nothing new. This is not evidence of The Man keeping average citizens down. Freedoms are not being threatened or violated.

This is actually a good thing. It's meant to keep polling places non-partisan and non-threatening to all citizens. Without electioneering laws candidates could use all sorts of persuasive marketing techniques while you're in the polling place casting votes. It's meant to keep, at the very least, the polling places equal. And free of marketing. Electioneering laws give us one last bastion of hope against marketing. Electioneering laws are protecting freedoms. Really. I promise.

The rule (in most states) is: No visible candidate name or likeness can be on your person within 100 feet of the polling place. Straight from a Chicago board of elections rep: Voters in Chicago who turn up to vote wearing campaign buttons or t-shirts are asked to remove the button(s) and t-shirts (or turn them inside out), or completely cover them prior to entering the confines of the polling place. Also, if you get all hopped up high on campaign fever and start screaming out "Vote for (whomever)!" within the confines of the polling place you will be removed from the polling place. You cannot carry a candidate balloon, lollipop or anything with their likeness or name on it into the polling place.

However, as long as you don't wear your campaign jock strap or thong where it's visible you are perfectly welcome to wear it into the polling place as you cast your vote.

There's a ton of gray area - if you are holding an election flyer, for instance, is that electioneering? Well, technically, yes. You may be asked to fold it so the name or image isn't showing. You also may be asked to hand it over to an election official while you are in the polling place.

I am always very, very surprised at the disregard for electioneering in Chicago. I know. I know. I don't know why I'm surprised. Dis is Chicago. But. Still. I mean. The blatant disregard is disturbing to me. It has improved since I moved here. (in one of my first elections I saw an election worker's totebag with a campaign bumper sticker on it - the totebag was over the back of the chair and on display for all voters to see as they stood in line waiting for a booth. I haven't seen anything like that in the past few years.) But compared to other places I've voted, places where polling places are sacred, quiet, non-partisan sanctuaries, Chicago still has a long way to go.

Last year I had a questionable experience regarding electioneering. Lots of gray area. So I polled you. Yes, you, the intelligent readers.

The results were varied. It's a tight vote. There's a strong constiuancy who feel the type of donut is a deciding factor. Powdered sugar and jelly constitute electioneering. Funny, that. I would think cream sticks would be more of a concern. We also heard from the Munchkin delegates. And at least two people presumably from Chicago or in a witness protection program made their opinions known.
Electioneering Poll

Does giving out donuts at a polling place qualify as electioneering?
Yes
No
Only in Springfield
Only if they're jelly filled powdered sugar
Not if they're munchkins
What is electioneering?
Have you seen the bottom of the Chicago River?
= create poll =


The poll is still open if you missed it the first time or if you would like to vote again (hey, dis is Chicago, perhaps you have a dead relative who would like to weigh in on the topic).

Be wise, beware, be respectful. Learn the rules of your polling place, understand them and respect them.

You also might want to check your company's policy regarding political campaigning, too. Many companies have policies prohibiting candidate campaign materials in the workplace. Yes. In some cases distributing or even displaying election materials - including but not limited to buttons, bumper stickers, placards, balloons - is grounds for dismissal. Be particularly mindful of your company's policies if you work in a cube. Your cube is "open" space, not private space. What you pin up on your cube wall is deemed to be on public display. Also, check the dress code. Political t-shirts may be expressly prohibited - this is a very common rule in corporate dress codes. You have been reminded. You're welcome.

I'm all for freedom of speech, but, unless you're working at a candidate headquarters, I tend to agree with company policies banning election campaign advertising. No one should be forced to see political campaign materials at work. They're there to do a job which in most cases has nothing to do with their choice of candidate. Sure, it's to be expected, particularly during this year's election. But. Religion, sex and politics are three sacred and very, very personal topics best kept out of the office. If you love your candidate and want to express the depth of your support turn your bedroom into a shrine to the candidate. Cover your car in stickers and magnets and drive around with a megaphone telling the world about your candidate. Start a blog extolling the many wondrous virtues of your candidate. Cool, right? Rock on. Just don't subject your coworkers to your campaign fervor and zeal.

And, one last issue for the new century. Photography in a polling place. Polling places are subject to local election laws. Election judges and workers are the "sheriffs" in polling places. They keep things safe, fair and legal for everyone. They are not, repeat, are not the bad guys. In the days before cameraphones election officials could easily enforce laws regarding photography in their polling place. If it was illegal to take photographs (or video) it was pretty darned easy to uphold the law. Cameras, video and still, were obvious. But not so, now. Cameraphones make it really easy to circumvent those pesky no camera rules. But. Just because you can clandestinely take photos on your mobile phone in a polling place doesn't mean you should. Be aware that snapping a photo in a polling place may be a felony in your state or jurisdiction. Check your state's laws. In Chicago a provision (10 ILCS 5/29-9) makes it a felony to mark a ballot or cast a vote “so that it can be observed by another person.” The same provision also makes it a felony to “observe another person lawfully marking a ballot or lawfully casting his vote . . .” This would prevent a person from photographing or recording someone else voting, but it would not prevent a person from photographing or recording himself/herself voting. In addition, 10 ILCS 5/17-11 requires voters to enter the voting booth alone (or with a child). This would also prevent a person from photographing or recording someone else voting.

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1:19 PM

Monday, September 29, 2008  
in re: Detroit Tigers v. Chicago White Sox.
On behalf of the people of Detroit: I'm sorry. I pumped as much hope and positive energy into the Universe as I possibly could. If I could have gone out there and done better myself, I would have. The Tigers played befitting their year: Sucky.

But. There are a lot of games yet to be played. A Cubs v. Sox series is a long way from reality.

However.

Just in case. I'm making plans to leave town on October 21.

9:19 PM

 
So, I was stuck in a hotel room with three women who are Lifetime women. As you can probably guess, I am not a Lifetime woman.

I knew it was, well, you know. I have seen Lifetime. I know their brand. I know their demographic. I'm familiar with their programming. I'm pretty sure I've even watched some of their movies during various bouts of illnesses and surgeries when I was too doped up on meds to use the remote control and change the channel. But. Holy swutting melodrama and ridiculous predictible plots and bad acting. Sheesh.

Who writes this stuff? Seriously? Who dreams up these plots? I read a couple Harlequin romances when I was around 13. I was staying at an aunt's condo and their community book shelf was chock full of them. I thought they were ridiculously stupid and poorly written and have laughed at that genre ever since. I realize they serve a purpose. I understand there's a viable market. I understand sometimes people just want an easy read and a lot of suggestive metaphors. (Though...why not read something like Outlander which has a ridiculous plot, easy words but has actual highly detailed bawdy sex?) I understand all of that. Lifetime is just an extension of those books, movie versions of the same old plots. Woman scorned, woman gets even by having an affair/taking the children and running away/not getting mad getting even/having a fight with her mother. I dunno. I just thought by now (the 21st century) we (society) had come further than trivializing the female perspective on life in trite little easy to digest programs.

Women scream they want equality. And we do. Really. We do. But. No man is going to take us seriously as long as Lifetime is around and women, smart women, tune in and spend entire weekends on the couch watching it. It perpetuates the same old stereotypes. The mysteries are just grown up versions of Nancy Drew. The comedies are just cute little feel good Hallmark-y schmaltz. The dramas are all scorned women out for revenge. No wonder women still aren't being paid equal salaries - "our" television network makes us look like vengeful, bitchy, simple minded moronic nincompoops. The best thing "we" have going for us, the best of "our" network, is the reruns of Golden Girls. And while I admit to guffawing and chuckling at the better lines (thanks to tremendously gifted comediennes), the plots are sit-com stupid. And really, if the best that can be said for "us" is The Golden Girls a 20-year-old sit-com featuring retired women living off their husbands' life insurance and pensions, "we" are in trouble.

It makes me feel sad. And full of despair.

And that makes me want to break into bad country music.

Delta Dawn
Not the time of my Lifetime
Date rape, murder and alcoholism,
Soccer moms gone wild, addicts gone clean,
Adultery, impotency, juxtaposed in ironic schism
Boys who are bad and girls who are mean
My life is so simple, no poignant symbolism

A weekend on Lifetime,
(Not in my lifetime)
have the time of your life
(Not in my lifetime)
These are not the times of my life
(Not in my lifetime)
The torment, tragedy and strife
(Not in my lifetime)
Daughter, sister, mother, wife
(Not in my lifetime)
Not my time, not my life
(Not in my lifetime)
Have the time of your life

A cycle of abuse which must be stopped
Easier said than done in a small town
And the husband is the local cop
Shame, pride and fear keep this woman down.
My life is so simple compared to this lot.

A weekend on Lifetime,
(Not in my lifetime)
have the time of your life
(Not in my lifetime)
These are not the times of my life
(Not in my lifetime)
The torment, tragedy and strife
(Not in my lifetime)
Daughter, sister, mother, wife
(Not in my lifetime)
Not my time, not my life
(Not in my lifetime)
Have the time of your life

The neighbor women gossip over lunch
About a friend’s husband’s illicit affair
Not certain, no proof, just a hunch
That he’s sleeping with the French au pair
My life is so simple compared to this bunch

A weekend on Lifetime,
(Not in my lifetime)
have the time of your life
(Not in my lifetime)
These are not the times of my life
(Not in my lifetime)
The torment, tragedy and strife
(Not in my lifetime)
Daughter, sister, mother, wife
(Not in my lifetime)
Not my time, not my life
(Not in my lifetime)
Have the time of your life

Women in peril, perilously escaping
Situations rife with drama and intrigue,
Their plights in life are heartbreaking
Hard work and fate has them beleaguered
My life is so simple, no havoc wreaking

A weekend on Lifetime,
(Not in my lifetime)
have the time of your life
(Not in my lifetime)
These are not the times of my life
(Not in my lifetime)
The torment, tragedy and strife
(Not in my lifetime)
Daughter, sister, mother, wife
(Not in my lifetime)
Not my time, not my life
(Not in my lifetime)
Have the time of your life

Her teenaged daughter is hiding a habit of meth,
Her senior mom is showing signs of Alzheimers
She’s the woman in the middle, between birth and death
She steals a few quiet moments in smoky all night diners
My life is so simple, so pure like minty fresh breath

A weekend on Lifetime,
(Not in my lifetime)
have the time of your life
(Not in my lifetime)
These are not the times of my life
(Not in my lifetime)
The torment, tragedy and strife
(Not in my lifetime)
Daughter, sister, mother, wife
(Not in my lifetime)
Not my time, not my life
(Not in my lifetime)
Have the time of your life

The squeaky clean soccer mom with a salacious secret
Telling lies, living lies, it’s wrong but don’t knock her
Lines on her face belie years of shame and regret
The sordid tale of a mom more sexual succor than soccer.
My life is so simple, not this weird or complicated

A weekend on Lifetime,
(Not in my lifetime)
have the time of your life
(Not in my lifetime)
These are not the times of my life
(Not in my lifetime)
The torment, tragedy and strife
(Not in my lifetime)
Daughter, sister, mother, wife
(Not in my lifetime)
Not my time, not my life
(Not in my lifetime)
Have the time of your life

Power driven career gals who trade inside
Portrayed like ruthless shrews and tough broads
Who get what’s coming to them but never cry
End up serving 20 to life for conspiracy and bank fraud
My life is so simple, nothing so criminal, nothing to hide

A weekend on Lifetime,
(Not in my lifetime)
have the time of your life
(Not in my lifetime)
These are not the times of my life
(Not in my lifetime)
The torment, tragedy and strife
(Not in my lifetime)
Daughter, sister, mother, wife
(Not in my lifetime)
Not my time, not my life
(Not in my lifetime)
Have the time of your life

A cross dressing husband in her closet causing woes.
Afraid, ashamed, confused, trying to understand,
She realizes she likes him better in her clothes
Then succumbs to the seduction of a lesbian friend.
My life is so simple, sexually straightforward as an arrow.

A weekend on Lifetime,
(Not in my lifetime)
have the time of your life
(Not in my lifetime)
These are not the times of my life
(Not in my lifetime)
The torment, tragedy and strife
(Not in my lifetime)
Daughter, sister, mother, wife
(Not in my lifetime)
Not my time, not my life
(Not in my lifetime)
Have the time of your life

The good, the strong, the wrongly persecuted victims
Prevail in the end, become heroines reveled by all.
The bad, the weak, the sinister villainous women
Get what they’ve got coming, while still showing their gall.
My life is so simple, not a lauded heroine or sent to prison.

A weekend on Lifetime,
(Not in my lifetime)
have the time of your life
(Not in my lifetime)
These are not the times of my life
(Not in my lifetime)
The torment, tragedy and strife
(Not in my lifetime)
Daughter, sister, mother, wife
(Not in my lifetime)
Not my time, not my life
(Not in my lifetime)
Have the time of your life

They'll get tough, they'll get real, they'll get gritty.
Taking on today's difficult issues, nothing is taboo.
But the actresses will always be accessibly pretty.
Hair styled, good make-up, nice clothes and cute shoes.
My life is so simple, but not catwalk ready.

A weekend on Lifetime,
(Not in my lifetime)
have the time of your life
(Not in my lifetime)
These are not the times of my life
(Not in my lifetime)
The torment, tragedy and strife
(Not in my lifetime)
Daughter, sister, mother, wife
(Not in my lifetime)
Not my time, not my life
(Not in my lifetime)
Have the time of your life.

Who writes this stuff, this fodder, this embarrassment?
Do women really crave this mind numbingly stupid drivel?
We’re educated, aware and armed with empowerment
Why are our made for television dramas stupid and trivial?
My life is so simple, nothing like this fictional escapement.

A weekend on Lifetime,
(Not in my lifetime)
have the time of your life
(Not in my lifetime)
These are not the times of my life
(Not in my lifetime)
The torment, tragedy and strife
(Not in my lifetime)
Daughter, sister, mother, wife
(Not in my lifetime)
Not my time, not my life
(Not in my lifetime)
Have the time of your life.

Depressed, repressed, oppressed, they’re a mess.
Someone's gonna get mad and someone’s gonna cry,
Someone will be perplexed, someone will have sex,
Someone will do drugs and someone’s gonna die.
My life is so simple, not one problem like this.

Ten minutes on Lifetime,
(pleasure, drama and pain)
Ten minutes on Lifetime,
(desire, longing and heartache)
Ten minutes on Lifetime,
(the acting’s really lame)
Ten minutes on Lifetime,
(put the cookies in to bake)
Ten minutes on Lifetime
(you know you have no shame)
Ten minutes on Lifetime
(all the emotions you can take)
Ten minutes on Lifetime
(feels so good to complain)
Ten minutes on Lifetime
Have the time of your life.

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4:29 PM

 
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