Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here:

Otherwise, hello, and welcome.
Mail Trillian here<

Trillian McMillian
Trillian McMillian
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Women, The Internet and You: Tips for Men Who Use Online Dating Sites
Part I, Your Profile and Email

Part II, Selecting a Potential Date

Part III, Your First Date!

Part IV, After the First Date. Now What?

"50 First Dates"

Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.

Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Find Federal Officials
Enter ZIP Code:

or Search by State

Find State Officials
Enter ZIP Code:

or Search by State

Contact The Media
Enter ZIP Code:

or Search by State

Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)



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11/17/13 12/1/13 - 12/8/13 12/15/13 - 12/22/13 12/29/13 - 1/5/14 6/29/14 - 7/6/14 9/14/14 - 9/21/14 9/21/14 - 9/28/14 10/12/14 - 10/19/14 11/23/14 - 11/30/14 12/7/14 - 12/14/14 12/28/14 - 1/4/15 1/25/15 - 2/1/15 2/8/15 - 2/15/15 2/22/15 - 3/1/15 3/8/15 - 3/15/15 3/15/15 - 3/22/15 3/22/15 - 3/29/15 4/12/15 - 4/19/15 4/19/15 - 4/26/15 5/3/15 - 5/10/15 5/17/15 - 5/24/15 5/24/15 - 5/31/15 6/14/15 - 6/21/15 6/28/15 - 7/5/15 7/5/15 - 7/12/15 7/19/15 - 7/26/15 8/16/15 - 8/23/15 11/6/16 - 11/13/16 6/24/18 - 7/1/18

Highlights from the Archives. Some favorite Trillian moments.

Void, Of Course: Eliminating Expectations and Emotions for a Better Way of Life

200i: iPodyssey

Macs Are from Venus, Windows is from Mars Can a relationship survive across platform barriers?
Jerking Off

Get A Job

Office Church Ladies: A Fieldguide

'Cause I'm a Blonde

True? Honestly? I think not.

A Good Day AND Funyuns?

The Easter Boy

Relationship in the Dumpster

Wedding Dress 4 Sale, Never Worn

Got Friends? Are You Sure? Take This Test

What About Class? Take This Test

A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away, There Was a Really Bad Movie

May Your Alchemical Process be Complete. Rob Roy Recipe

Good Thing She's Not in a Good Mood Very Often (We Knew it Wouldn't Last)

What Do I Have to Do to Put You in this Car Today?

Of Mice and Me (Killer Cat Strikes in Local Woman's Apartment)

Trillian: The Musical (The Holiday Special)

LA Woman (I Love (Hate) LA)

It is my Cultureth
...and it would suit-eth me kindly to speak-eth in such mannered tongue


It's a Little Bit Me, It's a Little Bit You
Blogging a Legacy for Future Generations

Parents Visiting? Use Trillian's Mantra!

Ghosts of Christmas Past: Mod Hair Ken

Caught Blogging by Mom, Boss or Other

2003 Holiday Sho-Lo/Mullet Awards

Crullers, The Beer Store and Other Saintly Places

Come on Out of that Doghouse! It's a Sunshine Day!

"...I had no idea our CEO is actually Paula Abdul in disguise."

Lap Dance of the Cripple

Of Muppets and American Idols
"I said happier place, not crappier place!"

Finally Off Crutches, Trillian is Emancipated

Payless? Trillian? Shoe Confessions

Reality Wednesday: Extremely Local Pub

Reality Wednesday: Backstage Staging Zone (The Sweater Blog)

The Night Secret Agent Man Shot My Dad

To Dream the Impossible Dream: The Office Karaoke Party

Trillian Flies Economy Class (Prisoner, Cell Block H)

Trillian Visits the Village of the Damned, Takes Drugs, Becomes Delusional and Blogs Her Brains Out

Trillian's Parents are Powerless

Striptease for Spiders: A PETA Charity Event (People for the Ethical Treatment of Arachnids)

What's Up with Trillian and the Richard Branson Worship?

"Screw the French and their politics, give me their cheese!"

Mail Trillian here

Trillian's Guide to the Galaxy gives 5 stars to these places in the Universe:
So much more than fun with fonts, this is a daily dose of visual poetry set against a backdrop of historical trivia. (C'mon, how can you not love a site that notes Wolfman Jack's birthday?!)


Alliance for the Great Lakes

Hot, so cool, so cool we're hot.

Ig Nobel Awards

And you think YOU have the worst bridesmaid dress?

Coolest Jewelry in the Universe here (trust Trillian, she knows)

Red Tango

If your boss is an idiot, click here.

Evil Cat Full of Loathing.

Wildlife Works

Detroit Cobras

The Beachwood Reporter is better than not all, but most sex.

Hey! Why not check out some great art and illustration while you're here? Please? It won't hurt and it's free.


Kii Arens

Tim Biskup

Jeff Soto


Get Fuzzy Now!
If you're not getting fuzzy, you should be. All hail Darby Conley. Yes, he's part of the Syndicate. But he's cool.

Who or what is HWNMNBS: (He Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken) Trillian's ex-fiancé. "Issues? What issues?"

Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.

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Reading blogs at work? Click to escape to a suitable site!

Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

Life(?) of Trillian

Thursday, October 06, 2005  
Women, the Internet and You: A Refresher Course.

Apparently a lot of men don’t want to actually meet women. Oh sure, they claim to want to meet women, maybe even make noise about wanting a relationship. They might even have a clear idea about the sort of woman they’d like to meet and with whom they’d like a relationship. If they were to actually want either of those things, that is.

hint of the week
Guys, this is it. This is the information you’ve been wanting to have. I’m not breaking any female code of silence here. This is stuff we (women) want you to know about online dating. Some of us are getting frustrated with the woeful male behavior we have hurled at us via online dating sites.

This is difficult, you know, not easy, for us to tell you this stuff because the men in question are seemingly okay-ish guys. We suspect the intentions were not what they seemed. But then again at first online introduction we can only take what is given as it is, well, given. And it’s frequently given badly. Sometimes we give a chance knowing, perhaps sensing, the guy in question didn’t mean to come off they way he came off in his letter of introduction or profile. But usually we ignore him. Because we’ve been burned one too many times and we’re not giving or taking any more chances.

I’m not talking about the men to whom you may think I’m referring. So keep reading. The arrogant, egotistical, shallow lookin’ for a quick lay jerks are what they are. They know what they are. We know what they are. They know who they are. We know who they are. So there’s no real enlightenment required on either side of the chromosomes on these issues. I’m not talking about those guys.

No, the guys who are frustrating us, often offending us and completely turning us off are the ones who are seemingly completely unaware of what they’re doing. They attempt to woo and wow us with their wit or sensitivity.

Guys. You may honestly be sensitive and witty in real life. But most of you fail miserably when attempting to do this in an introduction email or profile. You apparently try to read a lot into our profiles and (Universe help us, the way we “look” in our photo) and apparently construct your version of our personalities. You then write what you think your version of us would want to hear. Much credit to you for reading our profiles and giving it thought and effort. Really.

This is why it’s difficult for us. You are trying. You really are. And we do appreciate that you are willing to put real effort into this. We really do appreciate that about you. We know in there somewhere is a swell guy. But you’re trying either too hard or too weirdly.

You’re not impressing us.

You’re creeping us out, annoying us and often insulting us.

Men. Please. Read this. I come in peace seeking only understanding. Please. I’m begging you, please read this. Hear me. Believe me. Please. Save yourselves. Save us. The entire future of the human race could depend on this.

First things first.

You obviously bother to read our profiles because you mention specifics gleaned from our profiles. That’s good! That’s a very good thing! Where this all goes wrong is when you don’t pay attention to what we say we want in a man.

I list a very specific age range for the men I’d like to meet. Most women do. Our reasons are as varied as our personalities. But. One thing is universal among all of us: We list specific age ranges for very real, specific reasons. If you are younger or older than the range we list, please, please do not take this personally. You may think we’re perfect for you and that you’re perfect for us.

You’re wrong. I, and every woman I know or talk to about this is in complete agreement on this issue. If we bother to list specific ages we want to meet men within that range. Period. End of story. If you are not in that range, thanks for stopping by, good luck and have a nice life.

Do not waste any of your time with us.

“Yeah, but I’m just a year older than what she wants and I know she’d really like me if she’d give me a chance.”

Dude. Listen to yourself. You don’t even know this woman. You’ve never met her. Don’t make presumptions. And more importantly, realize how arrogant and swutting stupid you look by contacting a woman who specifically states she is interested in men who are not your age. Who the swut are you to think you’re so marvellous and perfect for her that your age won’t matter? Or worse, as it often seems, assume she won’t even notice you’re well outside her desired age range. Or worse than that, lie about your age.

This is a woman you’ve never met! How dare you take her stated desires in a man at any way other than presented? Seriously guys, this is really offensive to women. And the offense factor increases proportionally with each year over or under her stated desired age range.

At first I thought it was just me attracting every 52 year+ man on dating sites. You know, something about my profile or photo sending out a just a few years away from senior citizens discount vibe. I made a few offhand remarks about this to a few women and discovered they, too, have this same issue.

And on the other side of this issue, and with almost the exact frequency, are the 18 - 21 year old boys showing interest. Uh, dudes, you’re cute and everything but no. Just. No. There are plenty of women out there who have a Mrs. Robinson attitude. Lots of women older than you are very up for a toy boy or even a potentially serious relationship with a younger man. Please. Guys. Please find these women and keep your attention and emails to them. Just because some women 10 or more years older are interested in you doesn’t mean every woman is. If you’re not in our age range don’t presume we’re up for anything you’ll give us.

“I am very mature for my age, yet also young and eager to learn from your experiences.” This is a line written to me from a 20 year old boy. Apparently he needs someone to buy him beer. It’s not going to be me. I suspect he thought he was being romantic or, well, something. I’m not really sure what. But it came across as stupid, immature and offensive to me. My take on that sentence? “I’m not old enough to buy booze, I’m a virgin sick of jerking off but I don’t want to get bogged down in a relationship with a girl my own age. Besides, I’m not even sure I know what to do so I’m hoping that since you’re an old slut with lots of experience you’ll teach me what to do so I can use it on younger girls I want to date once I’m old enough to drink and go to clubs.” There were other factors in his profile which confirmed that conclusion, but it was all there in his opening line to me.

Unless a woman states she wants to date younger men, don’t waste your time and ours. Especially since most of us state the type of relationship we want. Very few women want or at least seek a serious relationship with a man 10 or more years younger or older than us.

Yes. Sometimes it happens and sometimes those relationships work really well. But the women who are up for trying it will list that in their desired age range. Stick to those women. Leave the rest of us alone. Don’t make offensive and egotistical presumptions about yourselves and us.

And no! The false humble opening gambit of, “I realize I’m out of your desired age range but I think you’re great and I couldn’t let this opportunity pass without taking a chance...”

Yes, you could. You could have respected my statements on my profile and said to yourself, “Oops, well, I’m not what she’s looking for in a man. Her loss. Good luck. Onto the next one.” If we wanted to meet men older or younger than us we wouldn’t be using online dating sites. We’d be hanging out at AARP conventions or frat houses.

Why is this such an issue? Because it happens a swutting lot. And because one of the great things about online dating, one of the main reasons a lot of people are turning to them is because you can list your specific desires in a date. It automatically gives us some control over the people we meet. The entire industry is based on being able to list specific search criteria. Top among that criteria, right after gender, is age!

Swut guys, please. Think about this a minute.

You’re making a mockery of the whole purpose of this thing. It may seem like a candy store filled with wonderful treats just waiting to be sampled, but it’s not. We are real women. We have jobs and interests and families and friends and lives. If we list specific criteria then it’s a safe bet we have a pretty good handle on what sort of guy with whom we’d like to share those lives. And that’s why we’re using online dating. We can set specific criteria. If we wanted any guy, any guy at all, we wouldn’t set any specific criteria or we’d go t a pick up bar. We know where they are and how to use them. But we’re dating on swutting line for crying out loud! Clearly we are looking for at least a few certain traits and are having difficulty meeting him “out there.” Conventional methods have failed us so we’re using an option which allows us to narrow our criteria and search for men who fall into those categories.

If you’re not what we say we want, leave us alone. Many of you seem like otherwise okay guys. That makes us feel like bad people for not responding to you because you’re out of our age range. It makes us feel guilty. You put us in a very awkward spot. We have two choices: Not respond at all, ignore you, or, respond trying to gently rebuff you. We sit there trying to find a polite way to say, “You’re too swutting old/young for me, you seem like a nice guy but I’m trying to focus on a certain aged man. I’m trying to have some control in my dates.” At first I replied with: “Sorry, really I am, but you’re just not at the place in life I want my dates to be.” This got me a lot of hate mail and accusations of being shallow, stupid, blind and a bitch. Yeah guys, that’ll get you a date. Not. Calling a woman shallow, stupid, blind or a bitch will never persuade her to date you. This will not help your cause or that of the way women perceive men. You’re not only insulting, annoying and angering women, you’re bringing down the entire male team. If these were isolated incidents or incidents which only happen to me I wouldn’t even mention this. Because I incite a lot of weird behavior in people. But. This exact thing happens to every woman I’ve talked to about online dating. A lot.

You may want someone like her, she might meet your criteria. But that's only half the equation. This is a partnership. You have to be mutually compatible. If you don’t meet her criteria, you are not mutually compatible. Approaching a woman online who states specific criteria which you do not have is a very, very selfish and arrogant act. Which speaks more about you than your profile or email ever will. This is why most of us eventually learn to simply ignore and delete your emails or winks or interests or whatever you send us.

Rejection really sucks guys, I know, believe me, I know. But there’s an easy way to avoid it: Don’t approach women who specifically state they are looking for someone who is not you. This is the beauty of online dating! Embrace it! It can eliminate a lot of rejection from your life! If she wants a 35-38 year old non smoking college graduate who lives within 25 miles of her zip code and you’re a 53 year old smoking high school drop out 800 miles away from her, don't swutting email her! Don’t put her in the awkward position of having to ignore or rebuff you, and don’t put yourself in a position to be rejected! Swut, guys, what is so difficult to understand about this?




The whole opening email thing.

Let’s assume you meet all the basic criteria a woman posts on her profile. Great! Good for you! Oh boy, she could be The One! Woohoo! She seems really cool. She seems intelligent. She seems like the sort of girl you should try really hard to impress.

Scratch of record.

Don’t try to impress her by being suave, cool, witty or any number of things you think will impress her. Be yourself, man, just be yourself. Most women can spot a phony anything a mile away. What really impresses us is honesty, humility and integrity. Translation: Be you. Even if you are uncertain of who you are, that uncertainty is you. It’s okay, really. The more I learn about myself the less I know and the more confused I become. Sure, admitting that makes me vulnerable and well, it makes me look a little unstable. But. That’s who I am. That’s me. Anyone who dates me is going to have to deal with that. They should be very aware of this right up front. I, and most other women, appreciate and respect vulnerability. We are not looking for perfection. We’re looking for a real, decent, honest human being. Be yourself. Please.

Maybe she mentions she likes Douglas Adams in her profile. From this offhand mention on a list of her favorite authors you think: Wow. Intelligent, funny, well read and a sci-fi geek! Holy mother of Spock this is the girl for me! You start fantasizing about her in a Leia costume and planning trips to GalactiCON.

Wait a minute, there Darth, easy boy. Did she say she is a sci-fi geek? No? You just presumed she's a sci-fi geek because of the Douglas Adams thing? Ah. Well. See. That’s where you made your first mistake.

Your second mistake was writing an email littered with H2G2 quotes. Your third mistake was thinking this was a clever, witty and wise thing to do.

Think about it. You’re trying to get to know this woman. And hopefully she’ll want to get to know you. You fit her search criteria so you’re off to a good start. The basics are covered, anyway. You’re ahead of the game, man! You've got ins a lot of other guys don't have!! So why would you borrow quotes from some other guy? Another guy who is a dead author?

The old adage is true, guys, be yourself. Please. Be yourself. If things go well we want to get to know you. We want to know how you think. We want to know what you like. Anyone can quote, well, anyone. We’ve read the books or seen the movies. We’ve read or heard the quotes straight from the source. We don’t really need to hear them regurgitated from you. At least not in your email of introduction.

Please. Give us some small insight as to what you're about. Not the whole unabridged biography, just a few key points which tell us enough about you to pique our interest. If you are a sci-fi geek and want a sci-fi geek gurl, you know, good for you. You might want to let her know that right up front. Probably best that you do. But don’t beat her over the head with it. You’ll come across very one dimensional and well, a little boring. There’s probably more to you (I hope, for your sake) than sci-fi. Don’t pigeon hole yourself into a one dimensional niche.

But please don’t try to be “funny.” Or worse, “witty.” Oh Universe help me, the allegedly “witty” emails I’ve received. Arrgh. Shudder. Arrgh. Did I say a gagging aaccck? And oh swut, worse, it’s more evil cousin, droll. Droll is not a good thing. I have no idea how this rumor began. Droll is annoying and irritating and affected. Get it? Droll = bad.

“Huh?” you ask, looking at me with a confused look. “I thought women like a sense of humor in a man. I’m confused, Trill.”

Okay. Look. Here’s the thing. Women like to laugh. It turns us on. Big time. Yes. This is why we find Drew Carey sexy. Yes. We really do. He’s naturally a funny guy. Witty, even.


Your introduction email should not be an attempt at an open mic night monologue.

I’m guessing Drew Carey and Jerry Seinfeld don’t go around trying to impress the girl of their dreams with opening lines and attempts at humor. Maybe they do, but I kind of doubt it. When they’re hitting on a girl for a roll in the sack, yes, they probably fling one liners at her faster than she can swallow the couple of drinks they buy for her. But when they’re first trying to get to know a woman they think they’ll really like, and want her to know them, they’re going to be honest and open and keep the comedy to a minimum.

This is someone with whom they’re hopefully going to share a lot of life. Even though they’re funny guys, make a living being funny, there’s a lot more to them than making people laugh. And besides, this isn’t work, it’s a date. And, don’t forget, these are trained professionals. They know how and when to use humor. Do not try this at home!

Understand what I’m getting at here? Humor is very, very important. But. Not everything in life is funny. And we want a guy who knows when to be funny, when we need comic relief, and when a joke is utterly inappropriate. It’s called: Being sensitive. It’s called: Perception. It's called: Maturity.

And humor is such a subjective thing. Think about the times in your life when you’ve had a good laugh with someone. It was probably with a good friend or family member, someone you know well or, someone with whom you’ve had a shared experience. (A miserable session at a professional conference, for instance. A weird presentation at a gallery. A beautiful fireworks display.) A shared joint experience with someone who sees it the way you do forms a bond - even a small one - and can set the tone for humor. Until you’ve got something, some shared experience, some basis of understanding between each other, tread easy and carefully with humor.

You haven’t had the pleasure of face to face interaction. Hopefully, if things go well you can speak on the phone or go on a date. It will be at that point you can get a feel for the chemistry or at least the sort of dynamic there is between you. Until then you’re flying blind on her sense of humor. She probably possesses one, maybe even a really good one. But sense of humor is a very tricky thing. She may state she’s sarcastic, but be careful. Sarcasm is subjective. And can very easily be mis-read when it’s written instead of spoken. Voice inflection in sarcasm is often the crucial difference between funny and hurtful. If you’re not a naturally sarcastic person an email of introduction to a potential date is not the place to give it a try.

In the introductory email go easy on the humor. Whether using your own or borrowing someone else’s. You can make a self effacing dig, but never, ever, under any circumstance should you attempt to make a funny remark about something in her profile. You do not know this woman so you do not know what her sensitivity level is over particular issues.

Personal rant in 3-2-1: On my pre-financial partner, no emotion required profiles, I stated I was seeking a long term relationship/marriage and that I would like to have children.

I stopped counting how many “humorous” remarks I received about my biological clock. Remarks from men hoping to date me. Hundreds of biological clock "jokes."

Guys: There is nothing humorous about making a dig at a woman’s age or her desire to have children. Especially in an email of introduction hoping to swutting date said woman.

I have no idea how this rumor got started among men. I have suspicions a comedy club or two in Northwest Indiana is to blame. But. Again. The people you see at comedy clubs are being paid to perform. They are at the very least more professional comedians than you are. And they are not attempting to meet and date women with their jokes about women. Trust me on this one, guys. I’m not a lot of things, but, I am a woman. And one thing I know for sure is that women do not like complete strangers making jokes about our biological clocks. Especially from men! Swutting MEN of all people. What the swut do you know about female reproduction cycles and the emotions they do or do not create in women?

Leave the biological clock jokes to the women or save them for poker night with the guys. Really. I mean it. It will not impress a woman. It will insult and anger her. Not only are you making a joke about something very important to her, you are insinuating that she’s old and “time’s running out” and “she better hurry up” and that she’s desperate. All of that may in fact be true, but all the more reason why you should not be making jokes about it. Especially to a woman you hope to date! As a potential partner we expect and need you to respect this aspect of the condition female. Swut, guys, we’re potentially the mothers of your children. Think about this. You shouldn’t find humor in biological clocks.

Again, if it were just me receiving a staggering amount of “humor” regarding a biological clock I’d dismiss it. But I am not alone. This is another common concern and complaint among women using online dating sites. There is apparently a large portion of the male population who are under the wrong impression about biological clocks and humor. Think about what you’re saying and to whom you’re saying it, guys.

Do you want to date a woman or use her as the butt of your jokes?

I have a pretty good sense of humor about myself. I really do. I try not to take myself too seriously and I’m the first one to make a joke about myself. And not in a lack of confidence and low self esteem kind of way. I really find myself to be a stupid idiot worthy of a joke on many occasions. I can and do laugh at myself. My life and I are a rich source of material. Again, just like a lot of other women. Nothing terribly unique or special there. Most of us are totally okay with our friends and family laughing at us or making jokes about us. We’ll often laugh loudest at the jokes. But. When it comes to our partners there’s a thin, fuzzy and very different okay to joke line than there is with other people. If we care about a man we want to impress him because we want him to like us and, well, sorry about this phrase, “please him.” If he’s making us the butt of his jokes on a daily basis it turns from humor to criticism. It turns from having a laugh to undermining our confidence. It turns from laughing with us to mocking at us. It’s a form of bullying behavior which is the source of emotional abuse in a lot relationships. “I was kidding, sheesh, can’t you take a joke?” Well, no, not when the jokes are coming from a partner and are mean, critical, hurtful and constant. No one should "take" jokes like that.

Do you really want to set this tone right from the start in your email of introduction?

No? Then don’t. There will be a time and a place for you to make jokes with us. It’ll be okay and funny. We'll both laugh.

Yes? There’s nothing I or anyone other than a trained therapist can do for you.


So. You fit her listed criteria. You aren’t glomming onto one aspect of her profile and creating an entire lifestyle around it. You’re capable of being yourself. You know to be careful with original humor when you’re first getting to know a woman. You respect her hope for children (or lack thereof) and wouldn’t dream of making jokes about biological clocks to her.

Whew. You’re one in a million, buster. I want to meet you. So do a lot of other women.

“But wait, Trill. If I’m so swell, why didn’t she return my email?” You’re asking.

I can’t answer for her. She has her reasons and probably didn’t want to hurt your feelings when the reasons were, well, it’s not you, it’s her. Please take this as a thoughtful gesture on her part. If she responded with a rebuff would you be happier? Probably not. Some things really are best left unsaid.

Let a few weeks pass. If you’re still interested, re-visit her profile. If you really, honestly, truly fit her search criteria and you really, honestly, truly believe you two might hit it off together (and by really, honestly, truly I mean: You have put aside your ego and desire for sex long enough to assess what you know about her and your personality and how you might relate to each other in an actual dating situation with your ego and desire for sex left at home that night), go ahead and send her another brief, and I do mean brief email.

Brief meaning: A few sentences at most. Brief meaning you in no way offend or insult her. Brief meaning you do not ask her why she didn’t respond to your first email. Brief meaning you are merely saying hi again, hoping her search is going well and that you’re still searching, too, and hi again. Period. Maybe she’ll give you another look. Maybe she’ll reconsider because you are a polite, honest, humble guy. And maybe she won’t. Maybe she meant her lack of response the first time. It’s now time to move on, man. Sorry and everything, but really, move on. Do not send another email. Period. There is no need to call her names, fling accusations at her, or, well, scare her with crazy rants about women and her attitude.

And this, guys, is the number one complaint I and other women have about online dating behavior.

Sending us hate mail because we didn’t respond to you or because we rejected your opening email does not endear you to us. I assume you think, “She doesn’t want me anyway, I’ll never see her, so I’ve got nothing to lose by sending her a nasty email telling her exactly what I think of her and women like her. Horrible names and insults included.”

Think about this mindset for a moment.

Okay. Did you assess the hostility behind that mindset? The immaturity? The reasons why most women would block you and also forward the email to the site administrator as abusive?

If you didn’t, you should.

This might be a reason why you are single and not having very good luck with online dating.

Very few women actually want to be involved in any way with a hostile, immature, defensive, rude man. Or at least they don’t set out to be involved with these men. We often end up with these men but it’s not an intentional goal we set for ourselves.

Maybe instead of trying to find a date you might want to consider some personal development classes. Chances are they’ll help you in your professional life, too. Just take some time off to work on your anger management style. Learn how to take criticism and rejection as a way to learn and grow as a person rather than a call for defensive bullying behavior.

Do you want a reputation as a rude, bullying, defensive, angry, scary man?

Well then, keep on sending those alarming emails.

Because here’s a secret a lot of guys probably suspect anyway: Women talk. We hear things. We ask other women their opinions. We’re not just hooking up with men on online dating sites. We’re joining talents and forces with other women on the sites. We’re networking. We’re talking to each other about our experiences, good and bad. And when there’s a bad experience we’re very protective of each other. We don’t want someone else to fall victim to a dating site jerk so we warn the other girls.

Ganging up on you? Well. Maybe.

But if you’re not behaving badly, we’re not ganging up on you. You have no reason to worry or feel defensive. We’ll probably refer you to another woman we think you might like. Everyone wins.

There’s a microcosm of networking going on behind the scenes of online dating sites. There’s a “we’re all in this together, let’s try to combine forces for good, alone we’re single, together we’ve at least got allies” attitude which can be good for all of us.

Well. Good for all of us except those who are rude, offensive, bullying, defensive, angry, scary men.

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11:28 AM

Tuesday, October 04, 2005  
So here’s something which doesn’t happen every day.

Boob Job quit. Well. Okay. People quit their jobs every day. Lucky them.

Here’s the unique part: She doesn’t have another job. Well. Actually. That’s not so unique. People quit their jobs without another job lined up all the time.

But this part is different: She doesn’t need another job for a while because she won a lottery.

She didn’t win millions of dollars. She didn’t even win a million dollars.


She won enough money to pay off her debts, do some traveling, get a butt tuck, and well, not work for a while. Or at least take some time off to find another job she “really wants to do.”

Because apparently she hasn’t really wanted to do her job for the past five years. No new revelation there. I knew she wasn’t exactly a motivated employee. The past few years we’ve made progress, she’s actually been helpful and, well, you know, we’ve worked out a system of working together, we get along and, well, she does work. Between cigarette breaks. I knew her motivation for working began and ended with the paycheck. I know she was working to pay for those mounds of silicone. And a lifestyle she really couldn’t afford. (Hey, I know what she earns. I know where she lives. I see how she dresses. I assumed her parents were bankrolling her “habits.”)

I’m actually surprised she hasn’t quit prior to this.

I’m even more surprised she plays the lottery. I’m having a really difficult time imagining her buying lottery tickets. Maybe when she stops in for her weekly pack of cigarettes she buys lottery tickets. Still. I’m not conjuring a very clear image of that process. She seems very out of place in that image.

It doesn’t suit the image and illusion she’s worked so hard to create of herself.

Boob Job is very concerned with all things personal image. Boob Job really wants to move to LA. This would be a good move for her. She’ll fit in really well out there. Her fake boobs and fake hair and fake colored contact lenses and fake nails and, well, fake personality, should make her very popular in LA.

I have always found it ironic that this woman who is consumed with changing her physical appearance by adding fake modifications is such a snob when it comes to “real” brand names. She’s very designery. She’s the first to fire off a catty remark when someone shows up with a designer imposter handbag or sunglasses or clothes or iPod case. (seriously, she made a conspiratorial mean girl comment to me about someone’s “fake” Coach iPod case as if I would care. Now. The particulars of the actual iPod are another story…but the Coach case, fake or otherwise? Seemed odd she thought I’d care.) The hardest I ever saw her work was when she was trying to get signatures on a petition to eliminate street vendors selling designer imposter goods. “It’s copyright infringement! It’s fraud! It hurts everyone!” were her battle cries. There’s a woman in our office who, and this is very out of character for her, returned from lunch one day with a faux Louis Vuitton handbag. This was when the “new” Vuittons came out and were impossible to get and even normally status conscious women were buying the imposters out of desperation to have the latest bag. The woman was showing off how good the quality was considering the inexpensive street vendor imposter designer price. And she was right – I have to admit the quality of that cheap bag was, well, pretty darned good. Certainly worth the $20 she paid for it. Boob Job grabbed it and inspected every detail as if she were looking for a hidden clue to the mysteries of the Universe.

Wanted to say: “Let’s hope no one inspects your boobs or eyes or roots the way you’re going over that bag. The bag’s a better imitation of the real thing than your dye job or contact hue or boobs.”

Said instead: “You know, I’m not into designer labels but that is a cute style. I might get one, too.”

“Are you kidding me? You?! Trillian, you?! Of all people, you?!” she gasped at me incredulously, staring at me through fake tinted blue eyes. I wasn’t sure which of the myriad possible reasons for surprise at me buying a bag from a street vendor was outraging her.

“Yeah, sure! It is good quality and I could use something like that. I haven’t had a new handbag in ages.” Which is true on all counts. I really miss the one stolen in the mugging last year. It was my staple. I liked a lot. I haven’t found a good replacement.

“But it’s unethical! It’s wrong! And you don’t even like designer clothes! Why would you want a fake designer bag?” she hissed at me, shaking the bag in my face with her fake be-filled nailed clenched fist.

Irony and sarcasm and self awareness are lost on Boob Job.

“You’re right. If it didn’t have the logos all over it maybe I’d like it better. Walking billboard and all that.” I gave a long meaningful look from her blue tinted eyes to her Armani be-logoed top filled with D sized fake boobs with fake blonde hair falling at her shoulders, said, “It is a cute bag, great bargain.” to the woman who bought it and left it at that.

This is one of the many reasons I’m having difficulty imagining her buying lottery tickets. It just doesn’t suit her personality. I wouldn’t think she’d dare to be seen buying lottery tickets. I would think she would find this a tacky process.

But then, I’m not really hip to the whole lottery thing. I don’t play. Once or twice I’ve put a buck or two into a pool in the office. Every now and then a friend at work slips me a cute or ironic themed scratch-off instant ticket. That’s the extent of my lottery knowledge or concern. I’m not a gambler by nature. I don’t have spare money to gamble. I don’t buy the whole “funding education” propaganda. And thus concludes the reasons why I don’t buy lottery tickets.

I’ve been to Vegas. I’ve played some slots. I was ahead $38 and left $38 ahead. HWNMNBS and I once got a lot of laughs out of a cat themed slot machine (don’t ask). It was one of those “once is enough fun for me” things.

Gambling just isn’t my thing.

And I’m having a really difficult time getting my mind around the fact that Boob Job gambles in the form of lottery tickets.

And won big enough to quit her job. And pay off her debts. And travel. And get a butt tuck. (I have no idea what’s going to be tucked because she has little or no discernable butt. Maybe she meant butt implant. Butt lift? Lift what? There’s nothing there…)

Lest you think I’m jealous, let me state loudly and clearly: Yes. I am jealous.

I want to quit my job, too.

Sadie got to quit last Spring. Drunk Dolt quit two weeks ago. And now Boob Job.

All of these woman had financial “luck” situations which allowed them to quit. They’ll all have to get other jobs at some point, but they got financial windfalls which gave them some breathing space in their careers. The luxury of quitting their current jobs.

Lest you think I’m jealous, let me state loudly and clearly: Yes. I am jealous of their financial windfalls.

These are not women who are smarter, cleverer, nicer, wiser, funnier or prettier than I. (Okay, Boob Job’s a zillion times prettier than me. But I can honestly say Sadie and Drunk Dolt would be ranked below me in the looks department. Not that it matters. I’m just saying, apart from Boob Job, for a change this isn’t a case of pretty girls getting ahead because of their looks.)

And here I am still in the office. Yes. It’s all about me. Once again I’m the one left behind. Good riddance to all three, really. Universe knows I don’t miss Sadie or Drunk Dolt. In fact the tension and relief in the air in the office since their departures is palpable.

Boob Job, though, I mean, well. She’s replaceable. But. We worked out our way of working together. We worked out a system which seemed to be agreeable for both of us. A few weeks ago she even thanked me for teaching her some skills and being patient with her while she learned. (See? I’m really not a horrible shrew in the office. Really I’m not.) She understands sometimes working late isn’t required of her but will stay because she knows it is required of me. She always makes sure there are veggie friendly foods for me at our department functions. She does try to learn new skills and take on more responsibilities than are required of her job. She slated Spanglish over the flirting with the copy repair guy thing. For all the reasons I don’t respect her, there are reasons why I do.

I’m happy for her. This is going to be a big change and a big chance for her to, well, I don’t know, do whatever it is she ends up doing with herself.

It’s an end of an era here in the office. The tech guys will be nowhere to be found once she leaves. The lecherous pervs will have to move their drool pool over to that new girl in Media. What’s her name? Tawny? Fawn? Bambi? Some stripper name like that. The style magazines will arrive in my office on time and completely in tact, no pages torn out or corners dog eared or sticky notes marking pages of interest to Boob Job. There won’t be a posse of Boob Job clones parading in promptly at 5:12 on Thursday and Friday nights ready for a night on the town. The Starbucks on our corner will probably go out of business.

See? This is all trickle down economics. Boob Job wins the lottery, an entire microcosm ceases to exist.

I have to find a new job. My microcosm should have ceased a long time ago.

Lottery tickets anyone?

2:22 PM

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