Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.
Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.
Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)
Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)
Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains
Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away
Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains
A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right
Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains
Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero
Thursday, October 06, 2005 Women, the Internet and You: A Refresher Course.
Apparently a lot of men don’t want to actually meet women. Oh sure, they claim to want to meet women, maybe even make noise about wanting a relationship. They might even have a clear idea about the sort of woman they’d like to meet and with whom they’d like a relationship. If they were to actually want either of those things, that is.
Guys, this is it. This is the information you’ve been wanting to have. I’m not breaking any female code of silence here. This is stuff we (women) want you to know about online dating. Some of us are getting frustrated with the woeful male behavior we have hurled at us via online dating sites.
This is difficult, you know, not easy, for us to tell you this stuff because the men in question are seemingly okay-ish guys. We suspect the intentions were not what they seemed. But then again at first online introduction we can only take what is given as it is, well, given. And it’s frequently given badly. Sometimes we give a chance knowing, perhaps sensing, the guy in question didn’t mean to come off they way he came off in his letter of introduction or profile. But usually we ignore him. Because we’ve been burned one too many times and we’re not giving or taking any more chances.
I’m not talking about the men to whom you may think I’m referring. So keep reading. The arrogant, egotistical, shallow lookin’ for a quick lay jerks are what they are. They know what they are. We know what they are. They know who they are. We know who they are. So there’s no real enlightenment required on either side of the chromosomes on these issues. I’m not talking about those guys.
No, the guys who are frustrating us, often offending us and completely turning us off are the ones who are seemingly completely unaware of what they’re doing. They attempt to woo and wow us with their wit or sensitivity.
Guys. You may honestly be sensitive and witty in real life. But most of you fail miserably when attempting to do this in an introduction email or profile. You apparently try to read a lot into our profiles and (Universe help us, the way we “look” in our photo) and apparently construct your version of our personalities. You then write what you think your version of us would want to hear. Much credit to you for reading our profiles and giving it thought and effort. Really.
This is why it’s difficult for us. You are trying. You really are. And we do appreciate that you are willing to put real effort into this. We really do appreciate that about you. We know in there somewhere is a swell guy. But you’re trying either too hard or too weirdly.
You’re not impressing us.
You’re creeping us out, annoying us and often insulting us.
Men. Please. Read this. I come in peace seeking only understanding. Please. I’m begging you, please read this. Hear me. Believe me. Please. Save yourselves. Save us. The entire future of the human race could depend on this.
First things first.
You obviously bother to read our profiles because you mention specifics gleaned from our profiles. That’s good! That’s a very good thing! Where this all goes wrong is when you don’t pay attention to what we say we want in a man.
I list a very specific age range for the men I’d like to meet. Most women do. Our reasons are as varied as our personalities. But. One thing is universal among all of us: We list specific age ranges for very real, specific reasons. If you are younger or older than the range we list, please, please do not take this personally. You may think we’re perfect for you and that you’re perfect for us.
You’re wrong. I, and every woman I know or talk to about this is in complete agreement on this issue. If we bother to list specific ages we want to meet men within that range. Period. End of story. If you are not in that range, thanks for stopping by, good luck and have a nice life.
Do not waste any of your time with us.
“Yeah, but I’m just a year older than what she wants and I know she’d really like me if she’d give me a chance.”
Dude. Listen to yourself. You don’t even know this woman. You’ve never met her. Don’t make presumptions. And more importantly, realize how arrogant and swutting stupid you look by contacting a woman who specifically states she is interested in men who are not your age. Who the swut are you to think you’re so marvellous and perfect for her that your age won’t matter? Or worse, as it often seems, assume she won’t even notice you’re well outside her desired age range. Or worse than that, lie about your age.
This is a woman you’ve never met! How dare you take her stated desires in a man at any way other than presented? Seriously guys, this is really offensive to women. And the offense factor increases proportionally with each year over or under her stated desired age range.
At first I thought it was just me attracting every 52 year+ man on dating sites. You know, something about my profile or photo sending out a just a few years away from senior citizens discount vibe. I made a few offhand remarks about this to a few women and discovered they, too, have this same issue.
And on the other side of this issue, and with almost the exact frequency, are the 18 - 21 year old boys showing interest. Uh, dudes, you’re cute and everything but no. Just. No. There are plenty of women out there who have a Mrs. Robinson attitude. Lots of women older than you are very up for a toy boy or even a potentially serious relationship with a younger man. Please. Guys. Please find these women and keep your attention and emails to them. Just because some women 10 or more years older are interested in you doesn’t mean every woman is. If you’re not in our age range don’t presume we’re up for anything you’ll give us.
“I am very mature for my age, yet also young and eager to learn from your experiences.” This is a line written to me from a 20 year old boy. Apparently he needs someone to buy him beer. It’s not going to be me. I suspect he thought he was being romantic or, well, something. I’m not really sure what. But it came across as stupid, immature and offensive to me. My take on that sentence? “I’m not old enough to buy booze, I’m a virgin sick of jerking off but I don’t want to get bogged down in a relationship with a girl my own age. Besides, I’m not even sure I know what to do so I’m hoping that since you’re an old slut with lots of experience you’ll teach me what to do so I can use it on younger girls I want to date once I’m old enough to drink and go to clubs.” There were other factors in his profile which confirmed that conclusion, but it was all there in his opening line to me.
Unless a woman states she wants to date younger men, don’t waste your time and ours. Especially since most of us state the type of relationship we want. Very few women want or at least seek a serious relationship with a man 10 or more years younger or older than us.
Yes. Sometimes it happens and sometimes those relationships work really well. But the women who are up for trying it will list that in their desired age range. Stick to those women. Leave the rest of us alone. Don’t make offensive and egotistical presumptions about yourselves and us.
And no! The false humble opening gambit of, “I realize I’m out of your desired age range but I think you’re great and I couldn’t let this opportunity pass without taking a chance...”
Yes, you could. You could have respected my statements on my profile and said to yourself, “Oops, well, I’m not what she’s looking for in a man. Her loss. Good luck. Onto the next one.” If we wanted to meet men older or younger than us we wouldn’t be using online dating sites. We’d be hanging out at AARP conventions or frat houses.
Why is this such an issue? Because it happens a swutting lot. And because one of the great things about online dating, one of the main reasons a lot of people are turning to them is because you can list your specific desires in a date. It automatically gives us some control over the people we meet. The entire industry is based on being able to list specific search criteria. Top among that criteria, right after gender, is age!
Swut guys, please. Think about this a minute.
You’re making a mockery of the whole purpose of this thing. It may seem like a candy store filled with wonderful treats just waiting to be sampled, but it’s not. We are real women. We have jobs and interests and families and friends and lives. If we list specific criteria then it’s a safe bet we have a pretty good handle on what sort of guy with whom we’d like to share those lives. And that’s why we’re using online dating. We can set specific criteria. If we wanted any guy, any guy at all, we wouldn’t set any specific criteria or we’d go t a pick up bar. We know where they are and how to use them. But we’re dating on swutting line for crying out loud! Clearly we are looking for at least a few certain traits and are having difficulty meeting him “out there.” Conventional methods have failed us so we’re using an option which allows us to narrow our criteria and search for men who fall into those categories.
If you’re not what we say we want, leave us alone. Many of you seem like otherwise okay guys. That makes us feel like bad people for not responding to you because you’re out of our age range. It makes us feel guilty. You put us in a very awkward spot. We have two choices: Not respond at all, ignore you, or, respond trying to gently rebuff you. We sit there trying to find a polite way to say, “You’re too swutting old/young for me, you seem like a nice guy but I’m trying to focus on a certain aged man. I’m trying to have some control in my dates.” At first I replied with: “Sorry, really I am, but you’re just not at the place in life I want my dates to be.” This got me a lot of hate mail and accusations of being shallow, stupid, blind and a bitch. Yeah guys, that’ll get you a date. Not. Calling a woman shallow, stupid, blind or a bitch will never persuade her to date you. This will not help your cause or that of the way women perceive men. You’re not only insulting, annoying and angering women, you’re bringing down the entire male team. If these were isolated incidents or incidents which only happen to me I wouldn’t even mention this. Because I incite a lot of weird behavior in people. But. This exact thing happens to every woman I’ve talked to about online dating. A lot.
You may want someone like her, she might meet your criteria. But that's only half the equation. This is a partnership. You have to be mutually compatible. If you don’t meet her criteria, you are not mutually compatible. Approaching a woman online who states specific criteria which you do not have is a very, very selfish and arrogant act. Which speaks more about you than your profile or email ever will. This is why most of us eventually learn to simply ignore and delete your emails or winks or interests or whatever you send us.
Rejection really sucks guys, I know, believe me, I know. But there’s an easy way to avoid it: Don’t approach women who specifically state they are looking for someone who is not you. This is the beauty of online dating! Embrace it! It can eliminate a lot of rejection from your life! If she wants a 35-38 year old non smoking college graduate who lives within 25 miles of her zip code and you’re a 53 year old smoking high school drop out 800 miles away from her, don't swutting email her! Don’t put her in the awkward position of having to ignore or rebuff you, and don’t put yourself in a position to be rejected! Swut, guys, what is so difficult to understand about this?
Right.
Okay.
Now.
The whole opening email thing.
Let’s assume you meet all the basic criteria a woman posts on her profile. Great! Good for you! Oh boy, she could be The One! Woohoo! She seems really cool. She seems intelligent. She seems like the sort of girl you should try really hard to impress.
Scratch of record.
Don’t try to impress her by being suave, cool, witty or any number of things you think will impress her. Be yourself, man, just be yourself. Most women can spot a phony anything a mile away. What really impresses us is honesty, humility and integrity. Translation: Be you. Even if you are uncertain of who you are, that uncertainty is you. It’s okay, really. The more I learn about myself the less I know and the more confused I become. Sure, admitting that makes me vulnerable and well, it makes me look a little unstable. But. That’s who I am. That’s me. Anyone who dates me is going to have to deal with that. They should be very aware of this right up front. I, and most other women, appreciate and respect vulnerability. We are not looking for perfection. We’re looking for a real, decent, honest human being. Be yourself. Please.
Maybe she mentions she likes Douglas Adams in her profile. From this offhand mention on a list of her favorite authors you think: Wow. Intelligent, funny, well read and a sci-fi geek! Holy mother of Spock this is the girl for me! You start fantasizing about her in a Leia costume and planning trips to GalactiCON.
Wait a minute, there Darth, easy boy. Did she say she is a sci-fi geek? No? You just presumed she's a sci-fi geek because of the Douglas Adams thing? Ah. Well. See. That’s where you made your first mistake.
Your second mistake was writing an email littered with H2G2 quotes. Your third mistake was thinking this was a clever, witty and wise thing to do.
Think about it. You’re trying to get to know this woman. And hopefully she’ll want to get to know you. You fit her search criteria so you’re off to a good start. The basics are covered, anyway. You’re ahead of the game, man! You've got ins a lot of other guys don't have!! So why would you borrow quotes from some other guy? Another guy who is a dead author?
The old adage is true, guys, be yourself. Please. Be yourself. If things go well we want to get to know you. We want to know how you think. We want to know what you like. Anyone can quote, well, anyone. We’ve read the books or seen the movies. We’ve read or heard the quotes straight from the source. We don’t really need to hear them regurgitated from you. At least not in your email of introduction.
Please. Give us some small insight as to what you're about. Not the whole unabridged biography, just a few key points which tell us enough about you to pique our interest. If you are a sci-fi geek and want a sci-fi geek gurl, you know, good for you. You might want to let her know that right up front. Probably best that you do. But don’t beat her over the head with it. You’ll come across very one dimensional and well, a little boring. There’s probably more to you (I hope, for your sake) than sci-fi. Don’t pigeon hole yourself into a one dimensional niche.
But please don’t try to be “funny.” Or worse, “witty.” Oh Universe help me, the allegedly “witty” emails I’ve received. Arrgh. Shudder. Arrgh. Did I say a gagging aaccck? And oh swut, worse, it’s more evil cousin, droll. Droll is not a good thing. I have no idea how this rumor began. Droll is annoying and irritating and affected. Get it? Droll = bad.
“Huh?” you ask, looking at me with a confused look. “I thought women like a sense of humor in a man. I’m confused, Trill.”
Okay. Look. Here’s the thing. Women like to laugh. It turns us on. Big time. Yes. This is why we find Drew Carey sexy. Yes. We really do. He’s naturally a funny guy. Witty, even.
But.
Your introduction email should not be an attempt at an open mic night monologue.
I’m guessing Drew Carey and Jerry Seinfeld don’t go around trying to impress the girl of their dreams with opening lines and attempts at humor. Maybe they do, but I kind of doubt it. When they’re hitting on a girl for a roll in the sack, yes, they probably fling one liners at her faster than she can swallow the couple of drinks they buy for her. But when they’re first trying to get to know a woman they think they’ll really like, and want her to know them, they’re going to be honest and open and keep the comedy to a minimum.
This is someone with whom they’re hopefully going to share a lot of life. Even though they’re funny guys, make a living being funny, there’s a lot more to them than making people laugh. And besides, this isn’t work, it’s a date. And, don’t forget, these are trained professionals. They know how and when to use humor. Do not try this at home!
Understand what I’m getting at here? Humor is very, very important. But. Not everything in life is funny. And we want a guy who knows when to be funny, when we need comic relief, and when a joke is utterly inappropriate. It’s called: Being sensitive. It’s called: Perception. It's called: Maturity.
And humor is such a subjective thing. Think about the times in your life when you’ve had a good laugh with someone. It was probably with a good friend or family member, someone you know well or, someone with whom you’ve had a shared experience. (A miserable session at a professional conference, for instance. A weird presentation at a gallery. A beautiful fireworks display.) A shared joint experience with someone who sees it the way you do forms a bond - even a small one - and can set the tone for humor. Until you’ve got something, some shared experience, some basis of understanding between each other, tread easy and carefully with humor.
You haven’t had the pleasure of face to face interaction. Hopefully, if things go well you can speak on the phone or go on a date. It will be at that point you can get a feel for the chemistry or at least the sort of dynamic there is between you. Until then you’re flying blind on her sense of humor. She probably possesses one, maybe even a really good one. But sense of humor is a very tricky thing. She may state she’s sarcastic, but be careful. Sarcasm is subjective. And can very easily be mis-read when it’s written instead of spoken. Voice inflection in sarcasm is often the crucial difference between funny and hurtful. If you’re not a naturally sarcastic person an email of introduction to a potential date is not the place to give it a try.
In the introductory email go easy on the humor. Whether using your own or borrowing someone else’s. You can make a self effacing dig, but never, ever, under any circumstance should you attempt to make a funny remark about something in her profile. You do not know this woman so you do not know what her sensitivity level is over particular issues.
Personal rant in 3-2-1: On my pre-financial partner, no emotion required profiles, I stated I was seeking a long term relationship/marriage and that I would like to have children.
I stopped counting how many “humorous” remarks I received about my biological clock. Remarks from men hoping to date me. Hundreds of biological clock "jokes."
Guys: There is nothing humorous about making a dig at a woman’s age or her desire to have children. Especially in an email of introduction hoping to swutting date said woman.
I have no idea how this rumor got started among men. I have suspicions a comedy club or two in Northwest Indiana is to blame. But. Again. The people you see at comedy clubs are being paid to perform. They are at the very least more professional comedians than you are. And they are not attempting to meet and date women with their jokes about women. Trust me on this one, guys. I’m not a lot of things, but, I am a woman. And one thing I know for sure is that women do not like complete strangers making jokes about our biological clocks. Especially from men! Swutting MEN of all people. What the swut do you know about female reproduction cycles and the emotions they do or do not create in women?
Leave the biological clock jokes to the women or save them for poker night with the guys. Really. I mean it. It will not impress a woman. It will insult and anger her. Not only are you making a joke about something very important to her, you are insinuating that she’s old and “time’s running out” and “she better hurry up” and that she’s desperate. All of that may in fact be true, but all the more reason why you should not be making jokes about it. Especially to a woman you hope to date! As a potential partner we expect and need you to respect this aspect of the condition female. Swut, guys, we’re potentially the mothers of your children. Think about this. You shouldn’t find humor in biological clocks.
Again, if it were just me receiving a staggering amount of “humor” regarding a biological clock I’d dismiss it. But I am not alone. This is another common concern and complaint among women using online dating sites. There is apparently a large portion of the male population who are under the wrong impression about biological clocks and humor. Think about what you’re saying and to whom you’re saying it, guys.
Do you want to date a woman or use her as the butt of your jokes?
I have a pretty good sense of humor about myself. I really do. I try not to take myself too seriously and I’m the first one to make a joke about myself. And not in a lack of confidence and low self esteem kind of way. I really find myself to be a stupid idiot worthy of a joke on many occasions. I can and do laugh at myself. My life and I are a rich source of material. Again, just like a lot of other women. Nothing terribly unique or special there. Most of us are totally okay with our friends and family laughing at us or making jokes about us. We’ll often laugh loudest at the jokes. But. When it comes to our partners there’s a thin, fuzzy and very different okay to joke line than there is with other people. If we care about a man we want to impress him because we want him to like us and, well, sorry about this phrase, “please him.” If he’s making us the butt of his jokes on a daily basis it turns from humor to criticism. It turns from having a laugh to undermining our confidence. It turns from laughing with us to mocking at us. It’s a form of bullying behavior which is the source of emotional abuse in a lot relationships. “I was kidding, sheesh, can’t you take a joke?” Well, no, not when the jokes are coming from a partner and are mean, critical, hurtful and constant. No one should "take" jokes like that.
Do you really want to set this tone right from the start in your email of introduction?
No? Then don’t. There will be a time and a place for you to make jokes with us. It’ll be okay and funny. We'll both laugh.
Yes? There’s nothing I or anyone other than a trained therapist can do for you.
Right.
So. You fit her listed criteria. You aren’t glomming onto one aspect of her profile and creating an entire lifestyle around it. You’re capable of being yourself. You know to be careful with original humor when you’re first getting to know a woman. You respect her hope for children (or lack thereof) and wouldn’t dream of making jokes about biological clocks to her.
Whew. You’re one in a million, buster. I want to meet you. So do a lot of other women.
“But wait, Trill. If I’m so swell, why didn’t she return my email?” You’re asking.
I can’t answer for her. She has her reasons and probably didn’t want to hurt your feelings when the reasons were, well, it’s not you, it’s her. Please take this as a thoughtful gesture on her part. If she responded with a rebuff would you be happier? Probably not. Some things really are best left unsaid.
Let a few weeks pass. If you’re still interested, re-visit her profile. If you really, honestly, truly fit her search criteria and you really, honestly, truly believe you two might hit it off together (and by really, honestly, truly I mean: You have put aside your ego and desire for sex long enough to assess what you know about her and your personality and how you might relate to each other in an actual dating situation with your ego and desire for sex left at home that night), go ahead and send her another brief, and I do mean brief email.
Brief meaning: A few sentences at most. Brief meaning you in no way offend or insult her. Brief meaning you do not ask her why she didn’t respond to your first email. Brief meaning you are merely saying hi again, hoping her search is going well and that you’re still searching, too, and hi again. Period. Maybe she’ll give you another look. Maybe she’ll reconsider because you are a polite, honest, humble guy. And maybe she won’t. Maybe she meant her lack of response the first time. It’s now time to move on, man. Sorry and everything, but really, move on. Do not send another email. Period. There is no need to call her names, fling accusations at her, or, well, scare her with crazy rants about women and her attitude.
And this, guys, is the number one complaint I and other women have about online dating behavior.
Sending us hate mail because we didn’t respond to you or because we rejected your opening email does not endear you to us. I assume you think, “She doesn’t want me anyway, I’ll never see her, so I’ve got nothing to lose by sending her a nasty email telling her exactly what I think of her and women like her. Horrible names and insults included.”
Think about this mindset for a moment.
Okay. Did you assess the hostility behind that mindset? The immaturity? The reasons why most women would block you and also forward the email to the site administrator as abusive?
If you didn’t, you should.
This might be a reason why you are single and not having very good luck with online dating.
Very few women actually want to be involved in any way with a hostile, immature, defensive, rude man. Or at least they don’t set out to be involved with these men. We often end up with these men but it’s not an intentional goal we set for ourselves.
Maybe instead of trying to find a date you might want to consider some personal development classes. Chances are they’ll help you in your professional life, too. Just take some time off to work on your anger management style. Learn how to take criticism and rejection as a way to learn and grow as a person rather than a call for defensive bullying behavior.
Do you want a reputation as a rude, bullying, defensive, angry, scary man?
Well then, keep on sending those alarming emails.
Because here’s a secret a lot of guys probably suspect anyway: Women talk. We hear things. We ask other women their opinions. We’re not just hooking up with men on online dating sites. We’re joining talents and forces with other women on the sites. We’re networking. We’re talking to each other about our experiences, good and bad. And when there’s a bad experience we’re very protective of each other. We don’t want someone else to fall victim to a dating site jerk so we warn the other girls.
Ganging up on you? Well. Maybe.
But if you’re not behaving badly, we’re not ganging up on you. You have no reason to worry or feel defensive. We’ll probably refer you to another woman we think you might like. Everyone wins.
There’s a microcosm of networking going on behind the scenes of online dating sites. There’s a “we’re all in this together, let’s try to combine forces for good, alone we’re single, together we’ve at least got allies” attitude which can be good for all of us.
Well. Good for all of us except those who are rude, offensive, bullying, defensive, angry, scary men.
Friday, April 02, 2004 Women, The Internet and You, Part IV: After The First Date, Now What?
Okay, okay, fine. FINE.
I don't think this is really online dating specific, but a lot of you, well, a few of you, okay a couple of you asked/begged/cried for mercy and help beyond the first date.
"What do women want, Trillian? What?! You've been so helpful and insightful at guiding us through online dating sites, steered us away from common pratfalls, and now you're just going to leave us hanging out here, one date under our belts, wondering what the heck we're supposed to do next? That's not fair! It's not even nice! Have mercy on us, please!"
Oh you poor, dear, sweet misguided men. I can't help you now, you've got to let your own instincts, intuition and intelligence to figure out what to do next.
But I suppose I can offer a few ideas, some insight from a female perspective you may not have considered.
You've followed some of my advice, and you've now gone on your first "date" with a girl you met online.
You did not have sex with that woman.
You're both very aware you met on an internet dating site. There is no pretense. You both know the other is most likely "scouting" other potential dates on that internet site.
What? You didn't know that?
Oh dear. You do need my help.
I don't know how to break this to you gently. Most women who post a profile on online dating sites get a lot of email. Or at least a lot of winks or smiles. I know the actual male : female ratio on one popular internet dating site. I am professionally bound to keep the numbers secret, but, let's just say the odds favor women. By a large margin.
I know.
That's rough.
Especially if you really like her.
Especially if you don't have a B Girl.
Maybe you're just not cut out for this online dating stuff.
Or, you can be darned sure you follow at least half of my advice on posting your profile and selecting a potential date.
If you've done some of what I suggested, you've narrowed things down to the point that you have selected a woman who at least has a few things in common with you. That right there puts you in the top 20% of her email interest. Because based on my experience, about 80% of the email women receive is form letter stuff from men sending emails to every woman on the site, disregarding all search criteria, and hoping one will take the bait. If this has been your approach, a) you haven't followed any of my tips, and b) you haven't heard from her because she has deleted your email and forgotten about you.
Right.
So you didn't send form letters to every woman on the site. You narrowed your search criteria, found your dream girl, contacted her, she liked you enough to agree to date, you met for coffee and a stroll through a museum. You let her talk. You listened. You smiled. You gave her lots of eye contact. You complimented her outfit and her eyes. You were sincere and humble yet witty and intelligent. You didn't smell badly. You had a great time. You think she did, too.
Now what?!
If you told her you'd call her, then CALL HER. Within two days, three max.
If you didn't tell her you'd call her, she thinks you weren't interested in her and assumes she will never see or hear from you again. So if you do want to talk to her or see her again, proceed with caution and the same rule applies: You must do it within three days of the date. She may be happy (if not a little surprised) to hear from you, so be sure to sound extra interested in her.
I'm going to go off on a tangent here. This is for the situation when: You go on a first date, you have an "okay" time, but are not chomping at the bit to see her again, and do not tell her you're going to call. And you don't. You then move on to the next one, and the next one, and maybe the one after that, and by comparison, in hindsight, bachelorette number one is looking pretty darned good. But a week, or two, or maybe even a month or more has passed. Wow. That time flew by! You want to see her again, but it's been a while, and you haven't heard from her, either. Now she's getting under your skin. Something about her, you can't quite let go of her. You peruse her profile again. And again. And again. You do a search pretending you're a woman looking for a man about her age within 25 miles of her zip code so you can see the men she might be dating. It's worth a phone call or at least an email. Email is obviously the safe option for both of you. You can be light (but not cavalier) witty (but not pretentious) and apologetic (grovel, man, grovel on your hind legs like the dog you are). Feel free to use this: "Hi Girl4Me, I know it's been a while since our date. I'm sorry I've let so much time pass without talking to you. I know this is presumptuous of me, but I've been thinking about you and wondering if you'd like to get together for dinner or maybe check out that new Men Are Fools exhibit at MoMA Friday night. (give her a week's advance notice, but set a specific day indicating YOU REALLY ARE SERIOUS, YOU WANT TO GO ON A REAL DATE WITH HER) I hope things are going well with (insert something you learned about her on your first date - work, tennis tournament, knitting project...to indicate you were paying attention, you do like her enough to remember something important to her, even after all this time). your humble and apologetic servant,
IReallyMessedUp72
On the other hand, if you told her you'd call, and you do, but you get her voice mail. Every time you call. And she doesn't return your calls. Or reply to your emails.
I'm really sorry.
Really sorry.
Take the hint. She's not interested. Three unreturned phone calls or two unreturned emails and it's time for you to move on.
I'm really sorry.
Do not stand outside her window with a boom box blaring In Your Eyes. You are neither 18 or John Cusack. Do not continue to call or email her. She will block you from her email. If you continue to call her she will press harassment charges. Or at least be very, very angry with you. And you will look pathetic and desperate and more than a little needy.
Maybe she'll reconsider. Maybe she'll call or write when she realizes the mistake she made by not snatching you up when she had the chance. Maybe you'll still be available. Or maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have moved on.
But let's get back to assuming you want to see her again, and you're quite certain she wants to see you again.
Follow all the guidelines for a first date.
Second dates are just First Dates, Part II. Except you should both be a bit more relaxed because you both agreed to see each other again, so there's something there, enough for a second date. If she touches your hand, arm, face: You may kiss her. Watch the tongue. She might be feeling more relaxed, she might give a hint of tongue. But she's probably just teasing you, giving you an indication that she's interested and has some smoldering fires. But she's probably not looking to fan the flames with you just yet.
Let's talk about sex. Baby.
We've discussed this before, I'll say it again: Most women ascribe to the Three Date Minimum. The Three Date Minimum is just that: If we like a guy, as in like like him, even if we know we want him to tie us up and have his wicked way with us within five minutes of meeting him, if we really like him like him, we will make him, and ourselves, wait through at least three bona fide dates before anything sexual happens. I know women who maintain a 10 date minimum. We're all different, and our minimum may be flexible given circumstances. Circumstances being: He's The One, or We Don't Care If We Ever See Him Again, or Ah What the Swut, It's Been A While, He's Cute, I've Had a Few Drinks, Why Not?
Yes. Women behave like men. Shocking as it may be, we are even capable of I Don't Even Want to Know His Name sex.
You're a guy. We're all adults. You can gauge the situation. If you think she just wants you for sex, and you're okay with that, hey, go get 'em tiger.
However, if you like her like her, and she's coming onto you, be a gentleman, spare yourself the drama and politely rebuff her. Do yourselves both a favor and wait at least one more date.
I don't want to see you hurt.
There are also women who "set traps" like this. They come on all strong and seductive to test a man, to see how "easy" he is, if he "just wants her for sex." And then, when the guy reacts in the natural way, she becomes angry or hurt and pulls the pouty "you just want me for sex" routine. I cannot speak for these women. I am not one of them. But I know they exist. I've heard women talk about toying with men in this manner. I'm not here to judge, I'm just telling you they're out there, so consider yourself warned. (If you like being manipulated and controlled, you'll do well with a woman like this.)
As for you initiating sexual advances: If she says no, she really means no. She is not being coy. She is probably not saying no, never, she is probably saying no, not tonight, not yet, not now.
Be nice, don't pout.
You are not 15.
Pouting and/or getting mad will not score any points for next time.
If there is a next time.
If you like this girl, and she likes you, and you enjoy being with her, just roll with it. Sooner or later it will happen. Remember that smile, those eyes, her wit, her intelligence, her charm...all those things you claimed to like about her when you first responded to her profile? Right. Remember all of that.
There are as many reasons as there are women as to why and how long they wait to have sex with a guy. I can't give you blanket advice other than to say we're all different, but for most of us the time we "make you wait" has little to do with you and everything to do with us. If we continue to see you, as in date you, we are attracted to you on some level, so don't let your ego get in the way of a potentially really good thing. Give her space, continue to be your wonderful witty, charming, gentleman self, prove to her just how much you really do like her for reasons other than sex.
If it goes on more than, oh, I don't know, 20 dates and there's been barely a tongue hinting at future possibilities, you might have to have a little talk. And by little talk I don't mean you pestering her for sex or getting mad and pouty because she's not giving you sex. I mean a nice, holding her hands, "I really care about you and your feelings" talk about your "relationship."
I know.
Right now you're thinking about that other girl you emailed, BlackThornedDhalia, the one with the photo of her in her dominatrix outfit on her profile.
Which is my closing point: The advantage to meeting a girl on an internet dating site is that you know what she's looking for in a man. If you're dating for sex, great, fine, good for you, but select a girl who is also looking for sex. Do not date a girl who right up front on her profile says she's ready to settle down and wants a long term relationship and marriage. That girl is more interested in you for who you are, what you want from life, big picture stuff. That girl can and will wait to have sex. That girl is looking for a lot more than sex and views your dates as fact finding missions. How well you interact together, how well you make decisions together, if she can tolerate your annoying habits for the rest of her life.
Good luck. Be careful out there. Have fun. Relax. Be the you your mother thinks you are.
Friday, March 26, 2004 Women, The Internet and You: Tips for Men Who Use Online Dating Sites, Part III The First Date
So you've posted a good profile. You've performed a refined, well defined search of available women. You've sent a nice email of introduction.
And she responded! She thinks you're cute! (insert video clip of Rudolph taking flight because Clarice just told him she thinks he's cute. 40 some years later and that early claymation children's holiday special is still the best summarization of that first thrill of acceptance by a member of the opposite sex. Tragic, really, that Hollywood hasn't been able to do any better in all this time.)
Right. She thinks you're cute and witty and nice and thanks you for noticing her profile and the nice compliments you paid her and she'd like to chat or maybe even talk on the phone!
So you gauge what the proper pace is - perhaps another email, then if things seem okay-ish, you can call and talk on the phone, if that goes okay, if there is a rapport and easy-ish conversation you could ask her on a casual meeting - coffee, drinks after work, possibly lunch and take it from there.
I'm going to back up for a minute.
There are a couple of ways to proceed after she favorably returns your email of interest.
I, and all of the women I know, thoroughly endorse both approaches.
Approach I
She sends you an email reply to your initial email of interest.
You respond.
She responds to that.
You strike up an IM chat.
You exchange phone numbers.
You call her.
You talk.
There's a rapport.
You ask if she'd like to meet for coffee on Sunday afternoon or drinks after work or lunch.
She says yes, and YOU'RE IN BABY, YOU'RE IN!!
This process can take days, or weeks.
If you and/or she needs this time to get to know each other, that's perfectly normal and acceptable, and the reason a lot of people use online dating sites.
Just be careful. If you let the preliminary contact, the Pre-Date Contact go on too long you run the risk of falling in love with the person before you've even met face to face. "Risk?" you ask. Yes. This is risky. It can and does happen, and that's great, but sometimes a meeting of the minds is not a meeting of the chemistry. Millions of people read Stephen King. (yeah, really. I know. I don't get it either.) Those millions of people read Stephen King because they like his style. So much so that they read book after book. They really like his writing. He engages them. They think he's brilliant. And a marvelous story teller. (okay, The Shining, Carrie, Misery...very good well written stories, you got me there) They feel they have a certain rapport with Mr. King because they like his writing and the stories he imagines, and the way he turns a phrase. It appeals to them on some emotional level. But I guarantee you, very few of Stephen King's devoted readers would actually want to date him were they to meet him face to face. (Yes, this is loosely implicating Misery, which is why I chose Stephen King as an example, connect your own dots.)
This happens a lot with internet hook-ups. Everything's great in writing, maybe even in talking, but together you're just all awkward with each other. And I'm not talking about physical attraction. I'm talking about that elusive "thing" known as chemistry.
I used to work with this woman who, in theory, was an exact duplicate of my personality. We were the same age, we shared the same views on our clients, we often came up with the exact same ideas, she had an evil sarcastic streak, she didn't take work too seriously, we shared the all the same interests outside of work, on more than one occasion we were reading the same book and listening to the same music (several times I saw her at concerts), we had very similar fashion taste, we were both vegetarian...you get the point, we were made for each other. And no. We didn't end up hating each other, but we never "clicked." To this day I can't tell you why. I liked her, I really did. I was in no way jealous of her, and as far as I know, she liked me and wasn't jealous of me. We just didn't have any chemistry. We should have been best friends 4Ever, but when I left that job, we didn't keep in touch and that was that.
Sometimes dates are like that. Everything seems perfect in theory, in writing, and even in physical attraction. But that chemistry just isn't there.
And you will both know it.
So don't force the issue.
If everything really is perfect except you don't feel chemistry, I strongly urge you to have a second or even third date before dismissing her altogether. If it's been so great in writing, there is something there that deserves a few chances. But if after two or three dates it's just not there, don't force it simply because it seemed so good before you met face to face. And for swut's sake, DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH THAT WOMAN.
Three dates or less do not require an actual conversation about never seeing each other again. If you don't call and don't email, she'll get the hint. Loud and clear. She may even be relieved. Because she didn't feel "it" either.
However, if she calls you, or emails you, and implies that she thinks everything is great and wants to see you again, you might have to say something difficult. Be nice about it, okay?
Or maybe, if you realize she really is very interested in you, you might begin to feel that chemistry. Maybe what was missing was the acknowledgment that she likes you. That she sees a future with you. A lot of relationships are doomed because of shyness or ambiguity about "what's going on here?" If this is the case, see her again. But DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH THAT WOMAN. If anything tingles or moves or stirs within you, proceed to a few more dates. Good luck. Send me photos of the wedding.
Approach II
She sends you an email reply to your initial email of interest.
She sounds great!
You send her an email and include your phone number.
She sends you an email and includes her phone number.
Within two days, you call her.
You can talk a bit, see if there's any rapport. Maybe have a few phone conversations.
Or you can simply call her and ask her out.
Yes. Just like that.
Just like pulling off a Band-Aid. Get it over and out in the open.
This might seem a little fast, or a bit too swing for you.
It did to me at first, too.
But now I'm beginning to endorse it as the only way to go.
Because Approach I, for all it's romance and intrigue and anticipation, can lead to big disappointments. Or small irritations. Online dating is about dating. So, go on dates! I guarantee you, the results, at least so far as I've experienced, will be the same or similar. It all comes down to chemistry. You can email and chat and talk for weeks or you can jump right in with little or no knowledge of each other. Seriously. So far I have found very little difference. And yes, of course, there are safety and comfort zone issues, I absolutely understand and agree. But if you follow your intuition and aren't stupid and follow a few general guidelines (see below) it won't matter. Remember, most animals stalk their prey over a period of time. Build up a comfort level then attack when the victim least expects it, gets caught with their guard down. Internet stalkers are animals. (To be fair, if she/he seems all wrong for you based on your profiles, and yet she/he is really pushing a date now, I strongly caution you to re-think whether or not you really want to meet this person.)
Long and slow, short and fast? I think in a lot of cases, short and fast. Why prolong the agony or ecstasy? We all know what's going on here, we met on an internet dating site. We all know there are lots of options, we all know we're all entertaining more than a few opportunities. We all know if this one doesn't work out, there's another possibility. And new members joining every day!
No, that doesn't soothe the bitter sting of rejection. I know. And I don't mean to make light of it. But pick yourself up, dust yourself off and search all over again. She will. You might as well, too.
Okay. Those are the approaches.
Now a few basic dating tips. You've agreed to a date, either through Approach I or Approach II.
You've done this before, you know your way around a date. You know the dos and don'ts. A date's a date, right?
Yes.
And no.
It is a date and you need to treat it as such. You cannot think "yeah, I'm going out later, just some girl I met online." Which is a typical mindset. Get over it. Now. She is not "just some girl you met on the internet." She is your date. A date you chose out of hundreds of other possible dates. She's sounding more special now, isn't she? That's right. She is. She is not just some girl you saw at the pub the other night. She is the girl you sought out from a list of hundreds of options. So treat her, and the date, with the respect that sort of decision deserves.
Internet dating can make first dates feel different. If you and she have both written insightful profiles, and if you've exchanged emails and maybe a few phone calls, you both probably feel like you know each other. "I wasn't nervous at all, datemenow.com allowed us to develop our relationship before we even met." is a common statement. And this is not necessarily a bad thing. Except in terms of the first date. This familiarity can lead to a comfortable attitude. And this is not necessarily a bad thing. Except that it's a first swutting date, and you need to treat it as such. It's great that you feel comfortable with her, that you have a handle on her communication style (no excuses for lengthy awkward pauses, then) her sense of humor (no inappropriate jokes, then) and what she's "looking for" (no surprises, then). But. You need to keep First Date firmly in mind. Which means all the usual First Date rules apply. There is a tendency to go in with a slightly different attitude than usual about the significance of this first date. A lot of people view it as a formality, because heck, they're already in love! Still others treat it too casually, "she's just a girl I met online." Both of those attitudes are fraught with potential issues. It's a first date. No matter how much you know about her, no matter how casually you are both feeling about this, IT'S A FIRST DATE.
Yes.
It is a big deal.
Whether you've been emailing and chatting for weeks, or just hooked up a few nights ago, it is a date and it is a big swutting deal.
Do:
Have plans for what you will do on the date.
Shave.
Wear a nice outfit.
And decent, clean shoes.
Have good breath.
Be clean but not overly perfumed.
Be on time.
Turn off your mobile phone.
Be polite.
Smile a lot.
Give her lots of eye contact.
Listen.
Really listen.
Compliment her.
Open doors for her.
Allow her to order first (if in a food ordering environment. or heck, in
any ordering environment let her go first).
Pay attention to her, and only her, no matter how little chemistry there is between you.
Offer to pay her way.
Yes really.
Touch her hand or arm, hold her hand, kiss her.
Do not:
Try a new hair style.
Show obvious surprise or distaste for her looks.
Hog the conversation. (it's not always about you, you know)
Get (or arrive) drunk.
Speak to her boobs.
Come onto her.
Have sex.
Those are the basic checklists. Here are the reasons and unique particulars to internet dating challenges.
Have plans for what to do on the date. You've emailed and/or talked, or at least read her profile, so you should have some idea of what she likes and what you have in common. Use that information. It's the internet's gift to you and your love life. This is what separates online dating from regular dating. It's the main reason people use online dating sites. It can eliminate a lot of misunderstandings. You both have the advantage of knowing quite a bit about each other, or enough to figure out a good first date that does not involve a movie. A sporting event, concert (though this is tricky - conversation can be difficult, so plan dinner before and/or drinks after), gallery opening, stroll through a museum...all viable options. More low key: Coffee, drinks after work, a meal at a restaurant offering a cuisine she may have mentioned in her profile. Use her profile. Glean something from it and form a date plan around it. Show her you care about her, and more importantly, that you have something in common. If you said you like modern art, and she likes museums, well, duh, connect the dots Einstein, and take her to the Museum of Modern Art. Or the contemporary wing of the local museum. Or the art history section of the library. See? This isn't rocket science.
The only thing is: No matter what you plan, be sure that it is in a very public place. This is for her safety and yours. You know you are not a serial killer or rapist, but she doesn't know that. And all her friends and family think any man she meets online is a serial killer or rapist. Deal with it. Make every effort to make her feel comfortable, that she has "an out" and control of her situation. It doesn't make you look defensive or weird, it makes you look thoughtful and aware. Aware that there are some very bad people out there. Aware that she has every right to be suspicious of you. Aware that she needs to feel that she can get out or get help if you turn out to be creepy. This is not the time to suggest that remote backwoods mountain hike. Or a movie marathon at your place. Or a reunion with your frat buddies. Or anywhere in your car. Yes, you can offer to pick her up, that's very nice of you, but for the first date, I personally prefer to meet somewhere neutral. Every woman I know feels the same way. And this is for your safety, too, you know. How well do you know her? Have you seen Monster?
Shave. Unless you've posted a photo of you in full beard, and she has affectionately begun calling you Grizzly Adams, and she claims to like facial hair, or at least not be turned off by it, for the love of Gillette, shave. I know, I know, you have a tough beard and if you shave every day you get razor burn. So time it so you shave the day of your date. Believe me, I know razor burn, and any given opportunity I will go a few days without shaving my legs, but this is a date, man, a date. SHAVE. I'll share some advice my father gave my brother, which are words to live by in our family: She might not notice that you shaved, but she will definitely notice if you do not. Yeah. My father is a smart man. And he got the girl. My mum. Who was not an easy girl to get. But he got her and has had her for a lot of years. He didn't get there by not shaving. You should listen to his advice. He knows what he's talking about.
Wear a nice outfit. Don't over dress or under dress. Girls appreciate it when a guy makes an effort with his clothes. But not too much effort. You should never dress better than we do. It's just The Rule. By the way, we can smell the mark of a former girlfriend's taste a mile away. Wear something nice, but something very "you." Ask your friend's wife or sister or that stylish girl who works down the hall if you're not sure. Would it kill you to buy a new shirt? I bet your date will have purchased at least one new thing for this date. I'm not saying this is a competition for the best/newest outfit, and you definitely want to emit "this is me" vibes from your appearance. But. On the first date us girls are probably torturing ourselves with some uncomfortable garment or another, and we like to think at the very least your new shirt feels a little stiff on you. Fair is fair. If you've posted photos of yourself in very casual attire, she was probably attracted to your laid back, casual attitude. That's great! So wear similar style clothing, but better. I know it sounds shallow, what difference does it make what you wear? You're right, it shouldn't matter. But. This is first impression time. Do you want that impression to be, "I care enough to put some thought and effort into my appearance" or "I don't give a swut what you think or how I look, I want to be comfortable." The choice is yours, but remember, when she goes home, Match.com will be there waiting for her, and so will hundreds of other men. Men who will bother to wear a nice or at least clean outfit.
And decent, clean shoes. Girls notice. Yes. We do. We notice and we care. Deal with it. You need a decent pair of non-sneaker shoes anyway. Hopefully you have a pair or two. They don't have to be expensive or trendy or uncomfortable. They just need to be clean and not sneakers. (Unless you're going on one of those sports/activity dates, in which case, sneakers are acceptable as long as they are clean and not ripped and worn out.)
Have good breath. Yes. Obviously there have been issues or I wouldn't mention it. Pop a mint or two in your mouth 10 minutes before meeting your date. Even if you just brushed, flossed and rinsed. Just do it. Gum? Well. I'm opposed to gum on a first date, and in general. But if you can manage the gum without chewing it noisily or noticeably, then go ahead. Remember, you want things to go well on this date. If they do, you might be kissing her. You do not want gum in your mouth if you're kissing her. Really. You don't. But you do want good breath. Mints man, pack mints.
Be clean but not overly perfumed. Take a shower before you leave to meet her. Use soap. Wash your hair. Use deodorant. Go easy on the aftershave or cologne. I know this sounds basic, but believe me, there are a lot of men for whom this basic stuff is apparently not so basic.
Be on time. Again, it seems like such a simple concept. So basic. And yet...(very heavy sigh of discontent) Sure. Things happen. I understand. We all understand. But this is a first date. What things are swutting more important than being on time for a first date? Okay. Yes. There are a few things more important. But having another beer with the guys before heading out is not one of them. Just be on time. Because if she's like me, she has adopted a 30 minute rule. If he doesn't show in 30 minutes, and she hasn't had a call on her mobile with an apology and very good reason why you're running late, she's outta there. She will block you from her email and screen your phone calls. She will listen to exactly one voicemail of apology. You've got one chance to make it up to her. One. So choose the words you leave on her voice mail wisely. Very wisely. And for the record, my 30 Minute Rule is 25 minutes longer than a lot of women's rules.
Turn off your mobile phone. Once you arrive and meet your date, you should not want to be interrupted by anyone. Maybe you're closing a big deal at work, or waiting to hear if your sister is going to get that long awaited brain transplant, or maybe you're the doctor performing the surgery. Then maybe this isn't the best time for a date, much less a first date. Maybe you should have considered this when you set the date. Maybe you should have chosen a time when you could give your date your undivided attention. Because this is it, this is your one chance to learn about her, and to show her what a swell guy you really are. Swell guys do not talk to people on their mobile phones on dates. They do not even check them to see if they have calls or messages. Also consider this: Most mobile phones have a "bail out" function. You hit a code and a few minutes later your phone rings. Voila! Instant, "Something suddenly came up" lie and you're outta that bad date. And while potentially very useful, remember, this function is not a secret. Pretty much everyone knows about it. So we're all suspicious of poignantly timed calls and subsequent "emergencies." Even if it's a bona fide emergency, on the surface, it's going to look very suspicious. If you're using the bail out function, also know, you're not fooling anyone. She knows. Better to just turn the thing off and tough out even the worst first date. It builds character. And will provide hours of entertainment in the retelling to your friends. And on your blog. And guess what? Her phone has the bail out function, too.
Be polite. Another obvious one. But apparently not so obvious. Say please and thank you. To everyone, not just your date. Do it sincerely, but not condescendingly. Tread carefully with charm. A little goes a long way. Wally Cleaver is a great guy. Eddie Haskell is not. Just pull out the manners your mother taught you to use and you should be okay. If she didn't teach you manners, pretend you are a diplomat in a foreign country and world peace hinges on how you behave.
Smile a lot. I know. Smile. Show her that great smile of yours. Let her see how that one tooth catches on your lip when grin that certain way. Brooding has it's place, some of us even went through a "brooding boys are really sexy phase." Most of us got over it really quickly when broody boys bored us to tears because they never smile at anything or anyone. Broody boys are apparently humorless. And women rate sense of humor as the number one quality they want in a man. You do the math. Smile once in a while. Even better, bonus points awarded: Smile approvingly at your date.
Give her lots of eye contact. This is what separates meeting online from meeting in person. You do not get to make eye contact online. For a lot of people this is an answer to a prayer. But a short-lived answer. Because sooner or later you are going to go on a date. And you Must. Make. Eye. Contact. It doesn't have to be deep, meaningful, penetrating, maybe a little too intense, okay that's creepy eye contact. Just meet her eyes when she is making a thoughtful statement. If there's a lull in the conversation, make eye contact and smile. Not that stupid goofy smile you idiot, a nice, "gee this is a little awkward I'm sorry I don't know what to say right now but I know my brain will catch up in a minute" smile. Trust me. She'll think it's cute. She might even blush and do that cute little coy face thing. Eye contact and smiles will take a man further than the wittiest remark or flashest car ever will.
Listen. Yes. Listen. With your mouth closed. (except for smiles of understanding or laughter at something she's said) Let her talk. About anything. Let her speak. Let her feel like you care about what she's saying.
Really listen. Hear what she's saying on the surface level, and be intuitive enough to figure out what she's thinking. If she's talking about basic, rudimentary things, the weather, Chilean sea bass, a shoe sale at Nordstrom, chances are she's making small talk. She's not feeling "engaged" in conversation with you. She's not interested. She's not letting you into her world. This is a signal for you to open up a bit. Tell her something meaningful about yourself (but don't drop huge emotional bombs - just something insightful only your good friends know about you) send a signal that you want to let her into your world, then maybe she'll open up and let you into hers. If she's still talking about the weather, sorry, she's simply not interested. If she's talking about work, her family, her friends, pre-war German abstract expressionism, she's interested. She wants you to know about her, her life, her interests. By talking about them she is inviting you into her world, offering you a place in it. She wants to talk about these things with you. She's giving you lots of information. Use it. This is your chance to shine. But you've got to listen. If you've read her profile carefully, you should be able to interject a factoid from her profile into the conversation. If she mentions visiting her parents next month, you could say, "You grew up in Newfoundland, right? Are your parents still up there?" Bonus points if you did a little research on Newfoundland and can add an intelligent question or thought about it into the conversation. "I read somewhere there are no snakes, skunks, deer, porcupines or groundhogs on the island of Newfoundland, is that really true?"
Compliment her. Don't overdo it, but just an occasional, "gosh, I never thought of it that way" comment or "wow, your eyes are the most amazing shade of green, those photos don't do them justice" (proving that you have given her eye contact) or something as simple as, "you look really great, I like that outfit on you," or "you are so clever, I tried to solve that puzzle three times and gave up." Try to stick to her wit, intelligence and insight, though toss in an occasional positive remark about her appearance. All other things being equal, those compliments will probably get you laid at some point. After the first date. Again, don't Eddie Haskell it. I don't recall Eddie ever getting laid. Just give her an occasional sincere compliment. Nothing sexual. This is not the time to wax poetic on the nature of her bum or size of her breasts. In fact, the less sexually oriented the compliments, the higher the likelihood of you getting laid. Girls are funny that way. We want you to respect us for something other than our bodies, and when you do, we give you our bodies. Don't ask why. Just accept it.
Open doors for her. Yes really. It may seem outmoded, old fashioned and down right silly, but do it. Go out of your way to do it. If it's a door, and she's walking, sliding, crawling, bending or in any way going through it, you beat her to it and open it for her. You do not make a big production out of this. You do not wear this deed as a badge of honor and chivalry and flaunt it. You just simply do it, as if you do it all the time without a second thought. As if it is first nature for you. The notable exception is the ladies' room door. Do not open this door for her or anyone else. Ever.
Allow her to order first (if in a food ordering environment. or heck, in any ordering environment let her go first). Hey. I know. But apparently a lot of guys were absent the day they taught this in manner school. Do not order for her. You are not Cary Grant or Maurice Chevalier.
Pay attention to her, and only her, no matter how little chemistry there is between you. You've met online. You have no way of knowing if there will be any real chemistry between you. It's a 50-50 gamble. You show up on time, give your best efforts, but you're gettin' nothin' on the chem-o-meter. And you can tell she's not really into you, either. It will happen. I promise. This will happen. And I'm sorry. It's a drag. We were all so hoping she might be The One. But she's not. So once again, this is the time to prove once and for all what a gentleman and all around swell guy you are. You tough out the date focusing on her. I don't care if Paris Hilton walks in naked and hands you a video camera and casts a wanton come hither look your direction. You are on a date. Good, bad or ugly, you are on a date. The very least you can do is bow out gracefully. Call it an early evening. She's probably not stupid, so she's probably wanting to get this over, too. Just be tactful and polite. It's very possible she has a friend or sister you would really like. If you part on good terms, if you're not a jerk, she just might set you up with her friend or sister. Her ringing endorsement will be: "There just wasn't any spark between us, but he was really nice, very polite, a great listener, a real gentleman. And he's got a great smile."
Offer to pay her way. Yes really. No matter what. If she's modern and/or just a nice person, she will pull out money, a sincere effort to pay her way. You can be gracious and let her pay her way, or you can politely smile, look deeply into her eyes and say, "no, really, I insist." and gently push her money back at her. If she is insistent, especially loudly insistent, well, she's a bit rude and maybe going a little overboard on the feminazi routine, but by all means let her pay her way. "Why should I pay her way?"" you ask. Because by paying her way, you are sending a very strong signal that you are viewing this as a date. Not that you expect bedroom action as compensation, but that this is not a friends each paying their own way thing, but a bona fide date. So when you select an activity for a first date, keep this in mind. Exceptions: If she's the one who initiated the date, and/or chose something a bit pricey, then she should pay. If the date goes badly and you both know it, you should each pay your own way. If this is the case, and she doesn't offer to pay her own way, well, be the bigger person, a gentleman, pay her way. I know, I know. It's wrong. But consider it major karma points. Consider yourself lucky to have gotten off so cheaply, some poor chump is going to end up stuck paying for her the rest of his life.
Do not show obvious surprise or distaste for her looks. Okay guys, here's the truth: We're not all models. We know competition is tough, we know there are a lot of women with better bodies, better hair, prettier faces than ours. We are very well aware of this. Advertising, Hollywood and every magazine in the world proves this to us every day. So we have posted the best photos we have of ourselves. Of course we're not going to show you a photo of our enormous bum or our nose at an unflattering angle, or what our hair really looks like when it rains. Of course not. We're going to show you our good qualities, the things we want you to see, the things we feel confident about. We will be honest about our physical characteristics on our profile. We will list our height accurately. We will choose the most appropriate color and style of our hair. We will tell you what color our eyes are. We will consider ourselves to be "height-weight proportionate" or "about average" because chances are this is accurate. But you guys have a very different opinion about what that means. Just to bring you down to reality I'll choose a well known scale: Cindy Crawford is not height-weight proportionate or about average. The media and Hollywood would have you guys believe that, but It's. Not. True. It's not even healthy.
Okay. So you show up for your date, and you see a woman who looks a lot like the photos of the girl you've already fallen in love with online. Except she's really tall, has a big bum and cankles. You told her you liked her smile, wit and intelligence. Well buster, now's the time to prove it. First of all, you knew she was tall, she listed her height as 5'11". What were you expecting? Secondly, so she's a little hippy or has a large rear end and cankles. Are these really "deal breakers?" Be careful how you answer.
Have you noticed your jeans are a bit snug around the belly lately? Do you think it might be because your belly is getting a bit soft? You know how the guys call you chicken legs? It's because your legs are skinny and not in a good way. I'm just reminding you that you are probably not exactly what she envisioned, either. But she does like your smile and your eyes and your wit and intelligence and your beer gut and skinny legs are not issues for her.
If she's completely, utterly, totally unrecognizable, a) are you sure it's her? and b) you've got a good case for dating fraud. But stick out the evening with as much grace and decorum as possible. Get past the initial "Hmmm, not what I was hoping..." feelings. Quickly. And concentrate on talking to her. Give her a reason to flash that smile you claim to love, or bat the lashes on those eyes you found so captivating online.
Do not try a new hairstyle. If you've posted photos of yourself with hair a few inches long, parted on the left side, this is not the day to go out and get a Clooney or try out that head stubble look that's all the rage. I met a guy online who's photos all portrayed him with dark roguishly tussled curls. He showed up with bleach tipped boy band hair. I didn't recognize him. He could have at least mentioned he'd changed his hairstyle. And no, I wasn't dating his hair, per se. But those roguishly tussled curls suggested to me that he was a bit, well, roguish. Rakish, even. Maybe foppish. The bleach tipped boy band hair said: "Cares too much about his hair, he has better highlights than I do, poor choice of style for any man over the age of 19, and is he gay?" Let's just say there was an adjustment period.
Do not hog the conversation. If you're a talker and she's a listener, that's okay. Just be sure you're not the one doing all the talking because she can't get a word in edgewise. Besides, if she's shy or not much of a talker, you should be trying to pull her out a little bit, give her plenty of openings, gently encourage her to talk, to open up a little bit. It might be difficult for her on a first date, a lot of people use online dating because they are very shy. They can open up online because of the relative anonymity. You should be able to figure out if this is the case. If she's written witty, clever, thoughtful emails, but you feel like you are coaxing words out of her in person, be patient. Help her. She's probably very shy. Or very nervous. Or very both. Hogging the conversation and especially hogging the conversation with sentences using only the pronouns I and me will not take this relationship anywhere but over.
Do not get (or arrive) drunk. Period. I rarely drink alcohol on a first date. I don't condemn people who do, and I'm not saying never. I have certainly been known to have a glass of wine on a first date. But. This is not the time to prove what a manly stud you are by way of how many shots you can pound, beers you can slam or scotches you can throw back. It's. Just. Not. Ever see The Days of Wine and Roses? No? Rent it. You will never drink on a date again. In fact, you may never drink again. I recently had a date where the guy showed up reeking of beer. I'm not saying he was drunk, I have no way to gauge his toxicity, but he'd obviously had a few beers before meeting me. Not only did he smell, he was in that "I've already had a few and I'm feeling good" state of mind when we first met. "Feeling good" in the sense that every other woman in the place looked good to him. He seemed to forget we were on a date.
Do not speak to her boobs. In fact, on the first date try to pretend she doesn't even have boobs. Unless you've exchanged naked photos, you probably are not sure what the boob situation is until you meet her in person. If she's offered the information (or a photo, Hefner help us I hope not, but, you know, whatever) she's probably proud of her boobs. Maybe she's even paid a lot of money for them. The first date is your chance to prove once and for all you really are a gentleman. Do not address her boobs. Even if she's wearing a dress or top cut down to here and they're spilling out all over your plate, ignore them. Eye contact. Lots of eye contact. Compliment her on her intelligence or eyes or something other than her boobs. Maybe this isn't difficult because it appears she has none, not even a hint of a boob. This is not the time to give her chest a penetrating or even surreptitious stare to discern if there's anything there, anything at all. Eye contact, man, eye contact.
Do not come onto her. Just don't. This is a first date. Do not come onto her. Do not come onto her. Do not come onto her. If things are going really, really well, if she's giving you all the positive signals, yes, kiss her goodnight. No tongue. Just a nice, leave her wanting more kiss goodnight. If. And only if. All. The. Signals. Are. There.
Do not have sex with that woman. Unless, and this is a huge unless, you have both established that you are just interested in having sex, a la one of those Jell-o shots and gettin' freaky in the hot tub scenes on Elimidate, do not have sex with that woman. Period.
Good luck men, be careful out there and remember to relax and have fun.
Thursday, March 25, 2004 Women, The Internet and You: Tips for Men Who Use Online Dating Sites, Part II
Last Friday I offered a few suggestions regarding online dating site profiles and emails. Tomorrow I will cover the First Date.
Today I will cover one area I left out last Friday.
Selecting a potential date from the thousands of online profiles.
At first blush, the big dating sites seem like a trout farm stocked and ready for easing fishing.
So many women! So many choices! All available! All having a hard time meeting men! It's better than a stocked trout farm, it's Sunday Brunch with nothing except dessert tables and Mimosas! (Well. That's what us girls think. You guys probably stick with the trout farm. Or: Better than free all you can eat Buffalo Wing night at Hooters.)
Apparently a lot of guys select an age range and that's it, their only criteria.
Still others don't get past the "I am a MAN seeking a WOMAN" question. They just leave it at that. Man. Seek. Woman. Details unimportant. So unimportant that they do their Man. Seek. Woman. search, scroll through the thousands of women who appear in their results, choose the ones who have photos and look attractive, don't bother to read their profiles and then send out form emails of introduction. Hundreds of them. Maybe thousands. Those are good odds, right? One of those women is bound to respond. Right? After all, you only need one fish to take the bait and you've got dinner.
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
Details are important. I'm not talking about blondes v. brunettes, or XX income v. YY income. Those details probably are not important. If they are important, I have to assume you're the type of person who bothers to conduct a highly refined and defined searches and you do not need any insight from me. Good for you.
The important details vary depending on your strong personal preferences, of course.
Let's start with age. Unless you really, truly are willing and happy to date someone 10 years older or younger than you, I mean really willing, keep your age range small and honest. A few years above and below your own. By willing, I mean willing in the sense that you have visualized yourself when you are 50 and she's 60, or you, aged 31, attending frat parties with your 21 year old coed, and you're okay with that visualization. Willing in the sense that some people are looking for a real relationship (more on that later) and when you say you like older/younger women, we assume you mean it, and everything "it" entails. Including the possibility of long term issues that arise from age differences greater than 6 years.
We'll take 30 as our example age. You're thinking, "hey, I like older women, they're more mature, they know what they want, they've developed their senses of style, humor and themselves. They've got their swut together." So you search for women between the ages of 28 and 40. Fair enough. (Very, very common age ranges from what I've seen, by the way) You narrow your other search criteria a bit and find a 39 year old woman who is everything you've ever dreamed of in a woman. Everything. You email. She's dubious, but takes you at your word that you like older women and emails you in return. You chat. You speak on the phone. Things are moving along really well. Age doesn't even come up any more. You meet. She's fabulous. You hit it off really well. You start dating. You're both really happy. Well. Except that she sometimes cracks jokes you don't get about the 70's and 80's. And she voted for Reagan. And her friends are all married and having children. And she wants to get married and have children, too. For you this is a "someday proposition." For her it's a "my clock is really ticking here" situation. It's a biological fact: She simply does not have time to date for a few years. A few months, tops, is all she's probably willing to invest. Especially with a 30 year old guy who only a few months ago started thinking he "might" like to settle down. Someday. Even if you are a 30 year old guy who wants to get married and have children right now, the unspoken pressures you will feel are enormous. Are you honestly up for that? Be honest with yourself. If she claims she does not want (or already has) children, that's a slightly different story, so we'll go down those paths.
She's 39. She has two children. How do you feel about that? Be honest. If the children are young, she won't be able to go out unless she can find a babysitter. Or the children will have to come with you. She is: Instant family. Are you ready and willing to be: Instant surrogate father?
She's 39. She says she does not want children. She probably means this. Because she thinks she's too old to start now, or, she just really doesn't want to have children. Great for you, because, heck, you're a 30 year old guy who only a few months ago started thinking he "might" like to settle down. Someday. And you are not ready for children, so, this'll be great! And maybe it will. But what about when your clock starts ticking? Yes, it happens to men, too. I've seen it. It's not pretty. It's 10 years from now, you're 40, your partner is 49. Your friends started having children a few years ago. You see the joy and fun children bring into the world and into a relationship. You love your partner. You want a baby. Now. Your partner is 49. And while it may be biologically possible, remember, she doesn't want children. I have seen this exact situation. It's a horrible thing.
Reverse all the above scenarios if you think you are willing and desirous of a 21 year old. Yes, everyone's different. There are young 40 year olds and old 40 year olds. There are young 21 year olds and old 21 year olds. Of course. And yes I'm taking this to an extreme, but I'm doing it to make you think about how important age criteria can be.
If you say you're eager and willing to date a wide range of women, great! Good for you for being so open minded. But now that that mind is open, fill it with considerations of her life and what she wants, too. Maybe you want to "try" dating older or younger women. Okay. Fair enough. But be very, very honest about it and be graceful and respectful of the woman who doesn't want to go any further than emails because she feels you are too young or too old for her.
I get an enormous amount of responses from "mature" men - I'm trying to be tactful here - these are men who are 15+ years older than me. Mostly +. And not that I would rule out such a pairing, I know it can work, and some of them seem to be really great guys. But we're in very, very different places in our lives. We've had extremely different historical and sociological experiences (which can be a very good thing but wrought with misunderstandings) and frankly, I am not interested in being an older man's "post divorce 'hot young' date to get back at his ex wife for sleeping with the tennis pro at the club." Nor am I interested in dating a man who is scouting out retirement property. I know that might sound very shallow, but I'm trying to find a life partner, someone who I can grow old with, share life, laughs and maybe children and a home in the country. Someone who will support my career goals and needs, and not in terms of supplemental retirement income for him. I am very open about this on my profile. Many of these men have already grown old, had a life, children and a home in the country. Some have sons closer to my age. No, you can't blame a guy for trying, but...
Which leads me to the next point of important search criteria: Wants/has children.
It's very, very important to be very, very honest with yourself and potential dates about this. Even if you are not looking for a serious relationship and think it doesn't matter because you just want some dates, casual stuff, it is positively crucial to list your feelings about this. Because if you say you want children, any woman you date is going to think you mean that. And even if she's only in it for dating, just a casual thing, too, the possibility of those dates, that casual thing becoming The Real Thing is actually quite great. And/or, if you say you don't want children because you don't want children right now, or with her, she is not going to take you seriously in terms of long term potential. And maybe you don't care. Maybe that's exactly how you want it. That's cool. But respect and understand when she doesn't want to date you because she Wants More. Plus, it just makes things easier on everyone if this is right out in the open, right up front, right at first. It is a big deal and should be required search criteria. Period.
Location. Location. Location.
Ah yes. You'll go anywhere for the right one. You probably mean that. Or you think you do. Until you actually have to face the reverse commute from Barrington just to meet for drinks after work. Sitting in bumper to bumper traffic, the highway like a parking lot, minutes dragging into hours, for a date, you begin to do the math: Get there in an hour (hopefully) have dinner: Two hours, walk on the Lakefront: One hour. Take her home: 20 minutes but parking in her neighborhood is impossible, so you just double park and drop her at her door. Get back on the highway, get home, it's now 1:30 AM. Even if you hadn't taken that walk on the Lakefront, you'd still be rolling in at 12:30 AM. And you didn't even have sex. Because you couldn't find a parking place. Or because you live and work in the suburbs and that morning commute, had you stayed over, would have been a nightmare.
But you'll go anywhere for the right one. Right?
Wrong.
I've been through this. A lot. Most of you won't understand this, so you'll just have to believe me: It was easier dating HWNMNBS who lived in another country and an 8 hour plane trip away than it is to date a guy in the local suburbs. And yes, that's Chicago, but I've had many conversations with other people in other cities about this. It's a universal theme. City v. suburbs/country. To suburban people, the lure of a city based partner is fascinating. All those endless possibilities of things to do! All those great restaurants! The sporting events! The museums! The shopping! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! It's a blast here in the city! It's also: Expensive, crowded, and difficult to park! One of my far suburban based dates summed it up thusly: Every date (with a girl in the city) is like going on vacation. Gassing up the car, packing an overnight bag (just in case), traffic, a lot of time in the car, a few hours of fun, a lot of money spent, and then back home again, tired, broke and a lot of miles on the odometer.
Maybe you live in a city where public transportation is an option. That helps. But are you really willing to live your life around a train schedule? Be honest. I always try to figure out a way to meet somewhere inbetween so we're both "inconvenienced" equally. And this works at first. But unless you want your relationship to blossom and flower at places convenient to train stops and highway exits (Greek diners and second rate (at best) Econolodges) sooner or later one or both of you is going to have to "go all the way." Either suburban or city. Or North side to South side. Whatever. If there are more than 15 miles between you, factor in the travel time.
Why was HWNMNBS easier, you are still wondering. Because we knew we were going to be apart, and we knew when we were going to be together.
Apart.
Together.
Sure the 8 hour plane commute was a drag, but honestly? It took me nearly three hours on a: CTA Train, a Metra Train and a bus to get to a Bennigan's, a swutting Bennigan's to meet a date who lived in a suburb, to have an hour and a half date because I had to catch the train back and he had to drive at least an hour home, maybe more because it had begun to rain. Had I driven it would have been equally as bad except for having to live by the train schedule. I kid you not, the Comfort Inn across the street was looking pretty good to me. It was at that precise moment I realized: This is a joke. At least when I flew 8 hours to HWNMNBS I was in England and had a date which lasted at least a few days. I travelled almost three hours to a suburb to have a watered down drink and a stale salad, a quick hi-how-are-you-how-was-your-day date with a guy who was tired and cranky from the bad traffic and long drive, and then travelled two hours home. Almost five hours travel time for a crappy dinner with a guy I was just getting to know who was in a bad mood because of the traffic and time it took to meet. What if we had hit it off? The Comfort Inn across the street?
I think not.
More road time.
It better be really worth it for both of us. So worth it that we're so in love the time and distances don't matter, so worth it that we know this is temporary and soon one of us will be moving closer to the other, if not in with the other. Sure there is gray area inbetween all of this, but when you say you'll travel to date, you swutting well better mean it. If you're the one initiating the online communication, you should be the one willing to travel. You're the one who saw where she lives and decided to contact her. If you don't want to or cannot deal with the fact that it's a painful commute to get to her, perhaps she's not the one for you. You cannot contact a person who lives more than 15 miles away from you and expect them to come to you. Maybe, like me, they will be happy to compromise and meet halfway. But that's her call, not yours. She can decide she will go no further than the corner pub to meet you if she wants, after all, she's not the one who found a guy 25 miles away and contacted him. If you contact someone, no matter how far away, you must be willing to travel to her. And not complain about it when you arrive. Period. You initiated this, you knew what the distances and logistics involved, so you assumed the responsibility. Period.
Looking for... Casual dating, long term relationship, marriage
Very, very important. This tells you where she is in her life and what she's hoping to find in this whole online dating thing. If she says she wants a long term relationship or marriage, believe her. If you are only looking for casual dating and/or have committment issues (I'm not judging) she's probably not the girl for you right now. She's been very honest about what she's looking for in a man or relationship, what she wants, you owe her the respect to leave her alone if you are not willing or capable of a long term relationship or marriage.
The opposite is true, as well. Maybe you want to settle down and get married. Now. Or at least want a long term committed relationship. If she says she wants casual dating, believe her. Do not think you "will be the one" to tame her. It's nothing personal, she's just not interested in settling down with one guy right now. There can be lots of reasons for this, but they're not important and have nothing to do with you. If you are willing to go out on a date or two with no deeper hopes or underlying intentions, contact her. She's probably a lot of fun. But don't pressure her for more when she's very clearly stated she's not looking for more.
Smoking or non?
This seems so obvious. If you smoke, anything, be honest about it. If they say they do not want to date a smoker, believe them. Do not say (or think) "I won't smoke around her" or "I'll quit for the right one" Just move along. Find a date who smokes or at least doesn't mind if you do. I've had three dates who, on their online profiles claimed to be non-smokers, but then lit up while on the first date. This has happened to me in the past, too. I'm not going to get into a "why smoking is gross" rant. Just believe her when she says she does not want to date a smoker. Believe her and do not bother contacting her. If all indications are that you are soul mates apart from this one thing, and you really can and are willing to quit, and will never, ever smoke around her (because you will have quit) maybe, maybe you can send her an email explaining, apologetically, that yes, you smoke, but she's so wonderful in every way that you've already started The Patch, seen a hypnotist and followed the American Lung Association's guide to quitting and will be an official non-smoker by the time you go on your first date. But even then I would strongly caution you to examine a few deeper issues.
Smokers and non-smokers are very, very different personalities. Most non-smokers are very much anti-smoking, and health conscious in other aspects, too. They probably exercise and don't eat a lot of fried food, either (these are demographic facts). Smokers are often, oddly, health conscious in some other areas, but generally not in the areas of food. If you smoke, and eat fried food, and don't get a lot of exercise, no matter how much you have in common with that non-smoking, jogging vegan, at some point your life-styles are going to clash. You probably don't mind, perhaps even enjoy, going to smoke filled bars and clubs. She will see it as nothing shy of torture. There are also basic health aspects: Asthma is on the rise. I have asthma. Smoke aggravates it badly. That cigarette you enjoy after dinner could send me into a wheezing, coughing, gasping for air attack. I'm not kidding. Not exactly me at my sexiest. To say nothing of making me feel really awful and potentially risking my ability to breathe. When I know I'm going to a club or concert, I dose up on my medication beforehand, and have my inhaler ready "just in case." I don't want to have to do this when I go on a date. Besides, that medication makes me sleepy and not very vivacious. If I've taken it, the only thing I'm doing later is sleeping. Alone. When it comes to smoking: Stick to your own kind. Period.
Religion
Big one. A really big one. If it's important to you, by God, you better list this as a key search criteria. If you're Catholic, and you know you really want to settle down with a Catholic girl, you've got no business contacting a Jewish/Hindu/Athiest/whatever girl. Period. People do not arbitrarily choose a religion on dating sites. They just don't. People might lie or fudge about a lot of things on dating sites, but religion generally isn't one of them. If she says she's an athiest, she probably is. Take her declaration at face value. Do not see her as a challenge or a prospective convert or soul to save. If you cannot respect her religious views, leave her alone.
Physical Attributes
If you absolutely positively will not even consider a woman who is anything other than a slim, petite, blonde or Asian, with big boobs, then yes, narrow your criteria to include these factors. Because if you are repulsed or (more likely) intimidated by women over 5'7", or with average or a few extra pounds, or are brunette (but not Asian) you probably shouldn't even consider dating outside your comfort zone.
Of course we all have our "wish list" of physical attributes, of course we do. We're human. And if your search results show that she's a tall brunette and you strongly prefer petite blondes, just move along. You risk hurting her by not being honest with yourself and her about your physical desires. She will notice when every petite blonde who walks by catches your eye. This will hurt her. If it goes on too long she will begin to feel inadequate and will either dump your shallow sorry arse or will collapse into insecurity issues which will really ruin an otherwise great relationship. "That's her problem!" you exclaim, "I don't want someone who is that insecure anyway!"
Hear me, please listen to me. Even the most confident, self assured woman has inner insecurities when it comes to our bodies and men. We have very deep seeded needs to be accepted by the man to whom we pledge our affections. If we feel we fall short of his needs in any way, we get anxious about it. And you ogling every petite blonde who walks by, no matter how "innocent" it is, really, really hurts us. It's a slap on our inner psyche. "Oh sure," we tell ourselves, "he likes that I'm intelligent and witty and kind and 'have a pretty face' but I'm not blonde and I'm tall and so he's not fully satisfied with me. Maybe I could get highlights, but there's nothing I can do about my height..."
And for the last time: If she asks you if her bum looks big in those jeans, tell her emphatically, "No! I love your arse in those jeans!" Even if she's got so much junk in the trunk there's no room for jumper cables, if you care about this woman, if her confidence and security in your relationship is important to you, tell her she looks great in those goddam jeans. Men: We know what our bums look like. We are very, very aware of our figure "flaws." erm, "challenges." If we ask you about any aspect of our body, we are feeling insecure and need reassurance. If you care about us, give us that reassurance. "But I'm honest! I don't believe in lying! I still love her anyway, I'm getting used to her saddlebags, but I shouldn't lie to her about it! Don't you women want an honest opinion?!" you yell back at me. Trust me. If you truly do not care that she's less than centerfold figured: Lie to her. Convincingly. Sincerely.
Whoa.Where'd that come from. Sorry.
There are other criteria that may seem inconsequential, and in many cases may be completely unimportant. But I have to mention a few of them.
Daily diet
If she's a vegetarian or vegan (vegan means: consumes no animal or any animal by product (milk, eggs, cheese...) and many also ascribe to a gluten free diet). Most vegans and many vegetarians also refuse to wear an animal product, and yes, that includes leather and wool. If you're okay with this, continue on, pursue her. But again, be honest. Painfully honest. Are you really okay with this? If you're a meat and potatoes kind of guy, if you "need" a huge hunk of animal on your plate do you understand and realize this might not only offend her but make her physically ill? Even if she's not "militant" about her dietary preferences, do you really understand vegetarian means nothing with a mother? Including fish and poultry? If you love taking dates to Smith and Wollensky she might not be the girl for you.
And maybe she is, maybe she's easy going and laid back about it, agrees to go to the carnivore palace with you and orders a salad because she views her dietary choice as just that, a personal choice and doesn't let it get in the way of a date or potential relationship. But realize she's not going on the date because of the great food - she's going on the date because she likes you. Understand that and be appropriately flattered and respectful. If you are not capable of comprehending dietary choices other than your own, do not contact women outside your own food preferences.
I know it seems like a small thing, inconsequential, but, it can be a huge deal. Perhaps not at first, but, if the relationship grows, day in day out you are going to have to deal with her dietary choice. You don't personally have to walk the walk to talk the talk, but by association you're going to have to accommodate her choices. Going on a road trip? You might be a McDonald's kind of guy. She's probably a "pack my own snacks" kind of girl. Holiday at your parents'? Are you comfortable explaining to your family that your date is a vegetarian or vegan and that she will not be eating most of what's on the table? Quiet night in with a movie and pizza? Hold the pepperoni and cheese...If you can't see yourself sincerely understanding and respecting her choices, do not pursue her.
Food is very similar to religion. If a person doesn't eat a certain thing, it's based on very personal reasons and choices. Deal with it and respect it. Don't try to convert them. Don't badger them about why they choose their diet. Don't argue that they are "wrong." Don't tell them they're stupid or going against the natural order of things. (all things I have been told, by the way)
The Truth about Cats and Dogs
There are cat people and there are dog people. Cat people are generally animal people, people who like and respect all animals, including dogs. Dog people are generally dog people. They like dogs. Be honest about your pet preferences. If you hate cats and she has one or two or three or 25, she's probably not the girl for you. Yes, maybe you will change, but it's a big risk. I dated a guy who claimed to not like cats. "Well. I have a cat." I didn't labor the issue, but it was out there. He liked me so he allowed my cat in the same room with him. In quick time he was won over (with no coaxing by me) and he now lives with three cats and volunteers at a cat shelter. It can and does happen. But it's rare and unusual and a gamble. (as an aside, this relationship ended because he did not want children, I did, we were both very up front and honest about it, and years later we're very good friends, which is the best possible solution)
And then there are exotic pets. If you have them, you must understand people, especially women, might not share your enthusiasm for watching the food chain being played out in your living room as you feed your snake live mice. If this is your thing understand if she says she doesn't like exotic pets she's going to have a hard time getting past this aspect of your personality.
And now for the difficult subject Ethnicity
If you like all women, accept all races and cultures as potential dates and mates, GREAT! And if you are accepting of all races and cultures, but you discover on her profile that she has checked specific ethnicities which do not include yours, leave her alone. This is not always an easy decision, so respect her choice. And if you do have very specific ethnicities in mind, if you really know, deep down, you want to settle down (or date) a particular ethnicity, select that preference and stay within those confines. This is not the time for a multi-cultural experiment.
So you've checked off all the search items which are important to you. And you've now got a group of women who meet your criteria. Great! "Let's get busy!" you exclaim
Easy there boy. Not so fast.
Take a look at what she wants. Do you match her criteria? If she says she wants a man 5'8" - 6'4", with an athletic build, a PhD who earns more than $100,000, is turned off by facial hair, piercings, long hair and tattoos, does not like exotic pets and is a Muslim, chances are the facts that you are 5'6", carry a few extra pounds, ascribe to a shaving optional lifestyle, haven't had a haircut in the past 8 months or more, have a tattoo, and a few piercings, dropped out of vocational school, are currently between jobs, live with your parents, have a Kimoto dragon and are Jewish, she's not going to be interested in you. Deal with it. This isn't rejection - she doesn't even know you exist.
Keep it that way.
All of this goes for your own specifics, too. If you want Miss Wonderful to find you in her searches, you need to list your specifics. Honest answers. "Any" or "none specified" or "no answer" are not acceptable. Sure, you will show up in more searches, get more "hits" but the vagueries on your profile can and will inevitably lead to misunderstandings or out and out arguments. "I didn't know you smoked! Why didn't you say you smoked on your profile?" or "What do you mean you're Catholic and won't marry outside your religion? Why didn't you mention that in your profile?"
For further fine tuned searching, if your online dating site offers more in-depth personality profile opportunities, do it! Take the time to take the "personality analysis" or "self assessment" and use it when searching for dates.
I didn't do this at first, thought it was a lot of malarchy. But then I decided to round out my profile with the in-depth analysis. Guess what? I was wrong in thinking it was a bunch of unprofessional psycho crap. So far, of the men I've dated who have also done their personality analysis, our compatibilities/incompatibilities have been absolutely spot on. For instance, one recent date fell outside "my ideal" in terms of "focus." And I was very far out of his ideal.
My analysis lands me dead center in all categories. I am still a bit bothered by the fact that I am squarely very, very middle of the road on all counts. Shy or outgoing? Smack in the middle. Focused on feelings and relationships or focused on thinking and facts? Dead center. Always go with the flow or organized and on time? You guessed it, right down the exact middle. This made me feel wishy washy at first, but I knew it to be true. Sometimes I am a little shy, other times I am very outgoing. Sometimes I am very focused on feelings, other times i just want the facts, don't bother me with what you feel, give me the stats and demographs! I can be very spontaneous, but I hate being late to an organized event. What a friend calmly reminded me is all this means is that I am even keeled. I am flexible. I have a good sense of propriety. I am not an extreme personality. That's actually a good thing. Whew.
Take my suburban journey as an example. The personality compatibility chart showed me he is very strongly organized and on time. So much so that he is way out of "my ideal" zone. Barely on the chart. So the whole travel thing, the fact that he has to drive to meet me - could be a huge challenge for us. He has a strong need to be on time. There are going to be factors, major factors, like traffic and trains, that will impede his ability to "always be on time" with any get together we might have. This will annoy the crap out of him. And it did. He was in a horrible mood once he finally got to our rendezvous.
Since I only recently added my self assessment, I decided to go back and "test" previous dates to see if they were in or out of my ideal zones, and I theirs. One guy turned out to be very focused on thinking and facts. While I fell firmly in his "wants in a partner" zone, he was nowhere near my "wants in a partner" zone. This explains our less than ideal date. I thought he didn't seem to have much enthusiasm for much of anything - just not very passionate, or even capable of being passionate. Now that I see he's very much on the "focused on thinking and facts" side of the chart, this makes complete sense. Interestingly, his assessment shows he wants/needs somewhat on the "more focused on feelings and relationships" side of the chart, or at least in the middle (me). I hope he finds her. The thing is, for someone like me, middle of the road who is able and needs to focus on feelings from time to time, Mr. Just The Facts Ma'am will at times drive me nuts with his lack of focus on emotions. Some will argue this is exactly the sort of person I might need. Someone a little less emotional, a little less volatile. A little more emotionally stable and steady. Yes. True enough. But I like to see a little passion about something, anything now and then.
This less than favorable first date could have been avoided had I already completed my personality assessment and we had run the match to see if we were in each other's zones. No, I wouldn't rule out dating someone not in my zones, but forewarned is forearmed. If you know your date is firmly in the organized and on time side of the chart, do not show up late for the date. If she's a go with the flow kind of girl, don't be surprised if she shows up late but with a story of what happened on her way to the date: Because she went with the flow and got swept up in an adventure. Bottom line: Take the in depth personality assessments, and use them as a search tool. If she's not in your zones, or you in hers, you might want to move along to the next one.
