Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.

Otherwise, hello, and welcome.
Mail Trillian here<





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Women, The Internet and You: Tips for Men Who Use Online Dating Sites
Part I, Your Profile and Email

Part II, Selecting a Potential Date

Part III, Your First Date!

Part IV, After the First Date. Now What?


"50 First Dates"






Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.

Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Find Federal Officials
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or Search by State

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or Search by State

Contact The Media
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Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)

Quasar
Hyperbole
Amenable
Taciturn
Ennui
Prophetic
Tawdry
Hubris
Ethereal
Syzygy
Umbrageous
Twerp
Sluice
Omnipotent
Sanctuary
Malevolent
Maelstrom
Luddite
Subterfuge
Akimbo
Hoosegow
Dodecahedron
Visceral
Soupçon
Truculent
Vitriol
Mercurial
Kerfuffle
Sangfroid




























 







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Highlights from the Archives. Some favorite Trillian moments.

Void, Of Course: Eliminating Expectations and Emotions for a Better Way of Life

200i: iPodyssey

Macs Are from Venus, Windows is from Mars Can a relationship survive across platform barriers?
Jerking Off

Get A Job

Office Church Ladies: A Fieldguide

'Cause I'm a Blonde

True? Honestly? I think not.

A Good Day AND Funyuns?

The Easter Boy

Relationship in the Dumpster

Wedding Dress 4 Sale, Never Worn

Got Friends? Are You Sure? Take This Test

What About Class? Take This Test

A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away, There Was a Really Bad Movie

May Your Alchemical Process be Complete. Rob Roy Recipe

Good Thing She's Not in a Good Mood Very Often (We Knew it Wouldn't Last)

What Do I Have to Do to Put You in this Car Today?

Of Mice and Me (Killer Cat Strikes in Local Woman's Apartment)

Trillian: The Musical (The Holiday Special)

LA Woman (I Love (Hate) LA)

It is my Cultureth
...and it would suit-eth me kindly to speak-eth in such mannered tongue

Slanglish

It's a Little Bit Me, It's a Little Bit You
Blogging a Legacy for Future Generations


Parents Visiting? Use Trillian's Mantra!

Ghosts of Christmas Past: Mod Hair Ken

Caught Blogging by Mom, Boss or Other

2003 Holiday Sho-Lo/Mullet Awards

Crullers, The Beer Store and Other Saintly Places

Come on Out of that Doghouse! It's a Sunshine Day!

"...I had no idea our CEO is actually Paula Abdul in disguise."

Lap Dance of the Cripple

Of Muppets and American Idols
"I said happier place, not crappier place!"

Finally Off Crutches, Trillian is Emancipated

Payless? Trillian? Shoe Confessions

Reality Wednesday: Extremely Local Pub

Reality Wednesday: Backstage Staging Zone (The Sweater Blog)

The Night Secret Agent Man Shot My Dad

To Dream the Impossible Dream: The Office Karaoke Party

Trillian Flies Economy Class (Prisoner, Cell Block H)

Trillian Visits the Village of the Damned, Takes Drugs, Becomes Delusional and Blogs Her Brains Out

Trillian's Parents are Powerless

Striptease for Spiders: A PETA Charity Event (People for the Ethical Treatment of Arachnids)

What's Up with Trillian and the Richard Branson Worship?

"Screw the French and their politics, give me their cheese!"


















 
Mail Trillian here





Trillian's Guide to the Galaxy gives 5 stars to these places in the Universe:
So much more than fun with fonts, this is a daily dose of visual poetry set against a backdrop of historical trivia. (C'mon, how can you not love a site that notes Wolfman Jack's birthday?!)

CellStories

Alliance for the Great Lakes


Hot, so cool, so cool we're hot.

Ig Nobel Awards

And you think YOU have the worst bridesmaid dress?

Coolest Jewelry in the Universe here (trust Trillian, she knows)

Red Tango

If your boss is an idiot, click here.

Evil Cat Full of Loathing.

Wildlife Works

Detroit Cobras


The Beachwood Reporter is better than not all, but most sex.



Hey! Why not check out some great art and illustration while you're here? Please? It won't hurt and it's free.

Shag

Kii Arens

Tim Biskup

Jeff Soto

Jotto




Get Fuzzy Now!
If you're not getting fuzzy, you should be. All hail Darby Conley. Yes, he's part of the Syndicate. But he's cool.





Who or what is HWNMNBS: (He Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken) Trillian's ex-fiancé. "Issues? What issues?"







Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.


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Reading blogs at work? Click to escape to a suitable site!

Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains

A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right

Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains





























Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero

 
Monday, September 29, 2008  
So, I was stuck in a hotel room with three women who are Lifetime women. As you can probably guess, I am not a Lifetime woman.

I knew it was, well, you know. I have seen Lifetime. I know their brand. I know their demographic. I'm familiar with their programming. I'm pretty sure I've even watched some of their movies during various bouts of illnesses and surgeries when I was too doped up on meds to use the remote control and change the channel. But. Holy swutting melodrama and ridiculous predictible plots and bad acting. Sheesh.

Who writes this stuff? Seriously? Who dreams up these plots? I read a couple Harlequin romances when I was around 13. I was staying at an aunt's condo and their community book shelf was chock full of them. I thought they were ridiculously stupid and poorly written and have laughed at that genre ever since. I realize they serve a purpose. I understand there's a viable market. I understand sometimes people just want an easy read and a lot of suggestive metaphors. (Though...why not read something like Outlander which has a ridiculous plot, easy words but has actual highly detailed bawdy sex?) I understand all of that. Lifetime is just an extension of those books, movie versions of the same old plots. Woman scorned, woman gets even by having an affair/taking the children and running away/not getting mad getting even/having a fight with her mother. I dunno. I just thought by now (the 21st century) we (society) had come further than trivializing the female perspective on life in trite little easy to digest programs.

Women scream they want equality. And we do. Really. We do. But. No man is going to take us seriously as long as Lifetime is around and women, smart women, tune in and spend entire weekends on the couch watching it. It perpetuates the same old stereotypes. The mysteries are just grown up versions of Nancy Drew. The comedies are just cute little feel good Hallmark-y schmaltz. The dramas are all scorned women out for revenge. No wonder women still aren't being paid equal salaries - "our" television network makes us look like vengeful, bitchy, simple minded moronic nincompoops. The best thing "we" have going for us, the best of "our" network, is the reruns of Golden Girls. And while I admit to guffawing and chuckling at the better lines (thanks to tremendously gifted comediennes), the plots are sit-com stupid. And really, if the best that can be said for "us" is The Golden Girls a 20-year-old sit-com featuring retired women living off their husbands' life insurance and pensions, "we" are in trouble.

It makes me feel sad. And full of despair.

And that makes me want to break into bad country music.

Delta Dawn
Not the time of my Lifetime
Date rape, murder and alcoholism,
Soccer moms gone wild, addicts gone clean,
Adultery, impotency, juxtaposed in ironic schism
Boys who are bad and girls who are mean
My life is so simple, no poignant symbolism

A weekend on Lifetime,
(Not in my lifetime)
have the time of your life
(Not in my lifetime)
These are not the times of my life
(Not in my lifetime)
The torment, tragedy and strife
(Not in my lifetime)
Daughter, sister, mother, wife
(Not in my lifetime)
Not my time, not my life
(Not in my lifetime)
Have the time of your life

A cycle of abuse which must be stopped
Easier said than done in a small town
And the husband is the local cop
Shame, pride and fear keep this woman down.
My life is so simple compared to this lot.

A weekend on Lifetime,
(Not in my lifetime)
have the time of your life
(Not in my lifetime)
These are not the times of my life
(Not in my lifetime)
The torment, tragedy and strife
(Not in my lifetime)
Daughter, sister, mother, wife
(Not in my lifetime)
Not my time, not my life
(Not in my lifetime)
Have the time of your life

The neighbor women gossip over lunch
About a friend’s husband’s illicit affair
Not certain, no proof, just a hunch
That he’s sleeping with the French au pair
My life is so simple compared to this bunch

A weekend on Lifetime,
(Not in my lifetime)
have the time of your life
(Not in my lifetime)
These are not the times of my life
(Not in my lifetime)
The torment, tragedy and strife
(Not in my lifetime)
Daughter, sister, mother, wife
(Not in my lifetime)
Not my time, not my life
(Not in my lifetime)
Have the time of your life

Women in peril, perilously escaping
Situations rife with drama and intrigue,
Their plights in life are heartbreaking
Hard work and fate has them beleaguered
My life is so simple, no havoc wreaking

A weekend on Lifetime,
(Not in my lifetime)
have the time of your life
(Not in my lifetime)
These are not the times of my life
(Not in my lifetime)
The torment, tragedy and strife
(Not in my lifetime)
Daughter, sister, mother, wife
(Not in my lifetime)
Not my time, not my life
(Not in my lifetime)
Have the time of your life

Her teenaged daughter is hiding a habit of meth,
Her senior mom is showing signs of Alzheimers
She’s the woman in the middle, between birth and death
She steals a few quiet moments in smoky all night diners
My life is so simple, so pure like minty fresh breath

A weekend on Lifetime,
(Not in my lifetime)
have the time of your life
(Not in my lifetime)
These are not the times of my life
(Not in my lifetime)
The torment, tragedy and strife
(Not in my lifetime)
Daughter, sister, mother, wife
(Not in my lifetime)
Not my time, not my life
(Not in my lifetime)
Have the time of your life

The squeaky clean soccer mom with a salacious secret
Telling lies, living lies, it’s wrong but don’t knock her
Lines on her face belie years of shame and regret
The sordid tale of a mom more sexual succor than soccer.
My life is so simple, not this weird or complicated

A weekend on Lifetime,
(Not in my lifetime)
have the time of your life
(Not in my lifetime)
These are not the times of my life
(Not in my lifetime)
The torment, tragedy and strife
(Not in my lifetime)
Daughter, sister, mother, wife
(Not in my lifetime)
Not my time, not my life
(Not in my lifetime)
Have the time of your life

Power driven career gals who trade inside
Portrayed like ruthless shrews and tough broads
Who get what’s coming to them but never cry
End up serving 20 to life for conspiracy and bank fraud
My life is so simple, nothing so criminal, nothing to hide

A weekend on Lifetime,
(Not in my lifetime)
have the time of your life
(Not in my lifetime)
These are not the times of my life
(Not in my lifetime)
The torment, tragedy and strife
(Not in my lifetime)
Daughter, sister, mother, wife
(Not in my lifetime)
Not my time, not my life
(Not in my lifetime)
Have the time of your life

A cross dressing husband in her closet causing woes.
Afraid, ashamed, confused, trying to understand,
She realizes she likes him better in her clothes
Then succumbs to the seduction of a lesbian friend.
My life is so simple, sexually straightforward as an arrow.

A weekend on Lifetime,
(Not in my lifetime)
have the time of your life
(Not in my lifetime)
These are not the times of my life
(Not in my lifetime)
The torment, tragedy and strife
(Not in my lifetime)
Daughter, sister, mother, wife
(Not in my lifetime)
Not my time, not my life
(Not in my lifetime)
Have the time of your life

The good, the strong, the wrongly persecuted victims
Prevail in the end, become heroines reveled by all.
The bad, the weak, the sinister villainous women
Get what they’ve got coming, while still showing their gall.
My life is so simple, not a lauded heroine or sent to prison.

A weekend on Lifetime,
(Not in my lifetime)
have the time of your life
(Not in my lifetime)
These are not the times of my life
(Not in my lifetime)
The torment, tragedy and strife
(Not in my lifetime)
Daughter, sister, mother, wife
(Not in my lifetime)
Not my time, not my life
(Not in my lifetime)
Have the time of your life

They'll get tough, they'll get real, they'll get gritty.
Taking on today's difficult issues, nothing is taboo.
But the actresses will always be accessibly pretty.
Hair styled, good make-up, nice clothes and cute shoes.
My life is so simple, but not catwalk ready.

A weekend on Lifetime,
(Not in my lifetime)
have the time of your life
(Not in my lifetime)
These are not the times of my life
(Not in my lifetime)
The torment, tragedy and strife
(Not in my lifetime)
Daughter, sister, mother, wife
(Not in my lifetime)
Not my time, not my life
(Not in my lifetime)
Have the time of your life.

Who writes this stuff, this fodder, this embarrassment?
Do women really crave this mind numbingly stupid drivel?
We’re educated, aware and armed with empowerment
Why are our made for television dramas stupid and trivial?
My life is so simple, nothing like this fictional escapement.

A weekend on Lifetime,
(Not in my lifetime)
have the time of your life
(Not in my lifetime)
These are not the times of my life
(Not in my lifetime)
The torment, tragedy and strife
(Not in my lifetime)
Daughter, sister, mother, wife
(Not in my lifetime)
Not my time, not my life
(Not in my lifetime)
Have the time of your life.

Depressed, repressed, oppressed, they’re a mess.
Someone's gonna get mad and someone’s gonna cry,
Someone will be perplexed, someone will have sex,
Someone will do drugs and someone’s gonna die.
My life is so simple, not one problem like this.

Ten minutes on Lifetime,
(pleasure, drama and pain)
Ten minutes on Lifetime,
(desire, longing and heartache)
Ten minutes on Lifetime,
(the acting’s really lame)
Ten minutes on Lifetime,
(put the cookies in to bake)
Ten minutes on Lifetime
(you know you have no shame)
Ten minutes on Lifetime
(all the emotions you can take)
Ten minutes on Lifetime
(feels so good to complain)
Ten minutes on Lifetime
Have the time of your life.

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4:29 PM

 
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