Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.
Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.
Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)
Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)
Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains
Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away
Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains
A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right
Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains
Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Well now. Here's something I didn't see coming.
Phone rings.
"Hiya [friend I haven't heard from in over a year], long time no hear, how's it going?!"
"Hi Trill," said my [erstwhile] friend in a very flat, trying very hard to be unemotional tone, "I presume no news is bad news? Still no job?"
Wow. Okay. I'm very matter-of-fact and I've always appreciated that quality in this friend, but, I mean, wow, "Hi Trill, I presume no news is bad news? Still no job?" Geeze, let's just cut to the chase and go straight for the jugular. I felt like she was saying, "Hi Trill, still a complete failure at life? Still sucking at everything you endeavor?" Okay, maybe I'm being too sensitive and projecting my own issues onto my friend, but, c'mon. I don't hear from this woman for over a year and her opening gambit is, "Hi Trill, I presume no news is good news? Still no job?" I don't like to beat around the bush, and I don't like to be handled with kid gloves, but that's a bit, um, hasty.
"Erm, yeah, no news is bad news. No job."
Audible sigh. And not a sigh of consolation and empathy. A sigh of frustration and exasperation.
"Have you tried Target or Walgreen's or something?" I didn't have to sense anything in her tone because her tone was openly verging on hostility. She obviously feels I'm not trying hard enough to find a job, any job.
"Yeah, I'm kinda hoping something might break for the holiday retail season."
"Okay, well, good luck with that. Any port in the storm. And. About the holidays."
"Yeahessss?" ah, here we go, the true motive for her sudden communique is about to be revealed and it has something to do with the holidays.
"You remember my wedding was New Year's Eve, right?"
"Yes, I remember. I was there. Remember?" I was there. Wearing an extremely expensive bridesmaid dress that was made from special order imported fabric in a bizarre shade of blue-red-purple and of such odd fabric composition that I (and the other three bridesmaids) broke out in a rash that started during the nuptials and lasted a full 10 days after the wedding.
"Yes. That's why I'm calling."
Oh crap. I have a feeling I'm not going to like where this is going.
"What's up?"
"We're going to renew our vows and we want to do an updated version of our wedding. Get everyone together and celebrate our marriage and have a fun party, everyone can catch up and just have a good time."
I'm pretty sure for a few minutes I was the victim of demonic possession because what I heard myself saying shocked even me. I said something I'm 99% certain I've never even thought about saying.
"Oh Jesus H. Christ on a Cross."
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
Realization that I said that out loud. To my friend. About her vow renewal.
I'm pretty sure once the "Jesus H. Christ on a cross" reaction statement is made it's impossible to pretend retract it and convince anyone you're filled with anything other than disdain, loathing and contempt and a wish to be crucified.
But I tried. "I mean, I'm sorry, it's just...this is a difficult time...that's a lovely idea..." I desperately tried to steer the conversation away from a really awkward place to a "gee, this is going to be a swell party!" place.
"I know, Trill, I know. That's kind of why I've been out of touch. I didn't know how to approach you with this. We'd love to have you there and if I didn't ask you I thought you'd be offended but I know it's the last thing you want to deal with right now so I didn't know what to do and time is running out for making plans...and I have no idea what's the right thing to do in this situation."
"I'm sorry I put you in this awkward position." Once again, I was apologizing for being such a failure and making my friends and family feel awkward around me. And making this awful situation worse, I started to cry and my voice cracked when I said "awkward position."
Great. In less than two minutes I 1) used the son of God's name in vain; 1a) sarcastically; 2) offended my Jesus loving friend; 3) made my Jesus loving friend feel bad about my failures in life; 4) cried. Great. That's all just fantastic. I'm thinking now would be the time to start exploring the self-destructive behavior of drinking booze. Lots of booze.Yes. Booze would be good right now.
My friend tried to affect a conciliatory tone, it was clearly forced but she did make the attempt, "No, no, don't apologize, you didn't do anything wrong. It's just...you know."
"Yeah, I know."
I know, all right. I know. I know that she hasn't worked a paying job in over 10 years. I know that she went from agnosticism to converting to Catholicism so that she and her husband could enroll their kids into an elite Catholic pre-school. (And yes, thanks to her I know there are elite pre-schools, elite Catholic pre-schools.) I know that she and her husband are not effected (and quite possibly unaware of) the issues with the job market and housing market and the economy in general. I know that the rest of the women in her bridal party are all married and have children and don't work. I know that our friendship was waning and in the last two years it's been nonexistent. I know that we have almost nothing in common. I know that even if I figure out a way to participate in her nuptial renewal I will have nothing in common with anyone there and will spend the evening looking at photos of kids and listening to stories about those kids and trying to care about suburban mom issues like finding time to fit in yoga and manicures before getting the kids to dance and karate classes.
Even if I had a job and wasn't losing my home it would be an awful evening spent with former friends who have evolved on life's normal path while I...have not. Lots of "still single, are you, Trill?" and "I believe there's someone for everyone, you just haven't met him yet, you will," and "I admire you for staying so true to yourself but you know, a career and independence isn't everything, Trill, you might want to think about settling down" comments and conversations. Good times.
My friend, singularly focused on her vows renewal, continued. "[her husband] has air miles, we'll get your plane ticket. [other friends, married] are getting a suite and they said you could stay with them, [their two children] can bunk together and you can use one of the spare beds in the kids' part of the suite. We can certainly feed you for a couple days. So, it's really just a matter of whether or not you think you can still fit into your dress?!"
I kind of zoned out for a minute while my friend was talking. Ah, yes, it's all so simple, isn't it? Merely a matter of flying 2,000 miles, staying in the kids' portion of a hotel suite and putting on a dress I no longer own. So simple. So very simple.
My friend was still talking, "Liz and Jen pulled theirs' out and said they can make it work, Jen had hers cut shorter and Liz has lost some weight since back then so she had it taken in, but Michelle, you know, since she had the twins her tummy just won't cooperate, don't say anything, but she's going to have lypo but not until after the holidays so I don't think she'll be squeezing into that dress. She's thinking of having it altered, cutting it in two and just wearing the skirt part with a pretty top. I'm not hung up on having it all matchy matchy, you know, and you're so creative I'm sure if it no longer fits you'll come up with a clever way to reconstruct it and update it for now."
Wow.
Wow.
Um.
Okay. Wow.
A) The other women kept those awful, itchy, rash-inducing dresses?
B) They're willing to wear them again?
C) Two of the three other women involved openly hated those dresses more than I did.
D) They kept them?
E) Oh crap.
That particular bridesmaid dress was so awful that I didn't even wear it to an "awful bridesmaid dress" party several years ago.* The mere thought of spending even 10 minutes in the ugly colored, rash-inducing (albeit imported special order) fabric makes me itchy and kind of nauseous. I did keep it for a couple years, I'm not sure why, but I did keep it for a few years. I probably kept it because it cost me what at the time was almost month's net salary and throwing it away felt like throwing away money. But then in a Spring cleaning frenzy I got rid of it, rid myself of the ugly, itchy, rash-inducing reminder of the money I wasted in the name of friendship, decided that having it hanging around was causing some subtle resentment toward that friend and not wanting that sort of negativity in the air I gave it to charity (which still fills me with pangs of guilt, they don't deserve that kind of "charity," no one deserves that kind of charity). And I haven't thought of it since.
Let's just say, for the sake of this conversation, that I attend this vows renewal party. I'm going to have to come clean about no longer owning the dress. Probably easier to just not attend the party. The party I don't want to go to anyway.
But. This is a friend's vow renewal...and I was in the original bridal party...does the bridesmaid obligation extend to vow renewals? Does a couple have the right to just spring this on their bridal party at any point in their marriage? Isn't there some sort of statute of limitations on bridesmaid obligations? Haven't we suffered enough? This is why I steadfastly believe there should be legally binding contractual agreements between brides and their wedding party.
And let's talk about renewing vows, shall we? I'm not really down with the whole big party for vows renewals thing. It's great if a couple wants to renew, update, append, their commitment to each other. Whatever two consenting adults choose to do within the privacy of their own vacation to Maui is their business. Frankie and Benjie has a really sweet tradition where, on their anniversary, they go somewhere special to them and tell their vows to each other, reaffirm their feelings and commitment to each other and their marriage. But it's very private, just them, because it's about them and their marriage. That's a nice thing. I respect them for making the effort to do that. If I were married I think I'd like to do something like that. But not a big party, a wedding redux, with all the trimmings.
And yes, festive parties for milestone anniversaries can be nice, I've been to a few fun anniversary parties for couples celebrating 25, 40, 50 years of marriage. They were fun little get-togethers and the couples said a few words to each other about how they'd do it all again and can't wait to see what happens in the next 25, 40 or 50 years, and then they thank their guests for helping share in their celebration, a few cute toasts are made, cake and champagne are ingested, some dancing and socializing takes place and that's it. No big deal for the guests: They show up and bring a card and eat some cake.
But the vow renewal thing? I've been to four of them and they felt like lame attempts to either a) have the wedding the bride really wanted or b) convince themselves that the marriage is working and they don't need counseling or divorce lawyers. And I know that sounds harsh, and bitter, and jaded, and cynical. But of the four vow renewal "parties" I've attended, two of the couples went on to divorce within a year of the vows renewal. Not exactly a ringing endorsement for vows renewal ceremonies.
Because I'm so out of touch with my friend who wants to renew her marriage vows, I'm completely clueless as to the state of her marriage. Given that she apparently wants to recreate the original wedding, not a do-over to correct the mistakes made in the first one (like putting her friends in astronomically expensive, horrifically colored, rash-inducing dresses) I'm concerned that she falls into the latter category: they're trying to convince themselves that their marriage is working.
I'm not going to say I've had suspicions, but, I have been confused by their marriage. When they dated and got married my friend was a hyper-motivated professional with a fast-tracking career that she love, love, loved. She truly loved her career - or, well, she loved the power she had in her career. And she was doing something worthwhile, and making a ton of money doing it. And her boyfriend liked that about her. He had a fast-tracking career, too, and he wanted to date/marry someone who had her own career and interests, he said, repeatedly, that he didn't like clingy, dependent women with no career ambitions.
Two years into their marriage they got pregnant and my friend quit her job and hasn't worked since, and is very vocal about never wanting to work again. Yes. She changed. A lot. And I'm confused about how she could go from such a devoted career professional to never wanting to work again. And, I've been really confused about how her husband deals with this: He married a devoted career professional because he liked independent, ambitious, career-minded women and didn't like clingy, dependent, ambition-less women...and two years into their marriage his wife turned into a clingy, dependent, ambition-less woman. I dunno. I don't get it. But. This is exactly what has happened to most of my friends. I'm not judging, I'm just confused. Don't their husbands feel duped? They married successful, ambitious, intelligent, career-focused women who held integral roles in important industries...and then poof! the women quit their jobs and suddenly their lives and conversations revolve around shopping, having lunch, and planning expensive vacations. I dunno. I don't understand it. But. I'm not married. And I'm unemployed. So. I have an unusual perspective.
Anyway.
I realized I'd been silent for a bit too long.
"That's a lot of information to process, erm, yeah, I mean, I dunno. I was kind of planning to spend all of the holidays with my mother, you know, since my dad died the holidays really difficult for her, and, your offer for airfare and food is all really nice and generous of course I'd love to be there, but..."
"Come on, Trill, it would be good for you to get away for a few days. Don't worry about the expense. Just see if the dress fits and if not, don't worry, just cut it up and wear it like a shawl or scarf or something. I want to re-create the wedding but it doesn't have to be exact. We've all changed, but our commitment stays strong. That's the theme."
Oh great.
There's a theme.
Change. The theme is change. Lovely. Especially since I actually have not changed that much since the wedding. When this marriage happened all four of us bridesmaids were single. One was seriously dating the man she married, but we were all single, all living in small apartments in large cities, and all very focused on our careers. And now they're all married and don't work and live in McMansions in posh suburbs. I don't "mind" being "that" girl, the failure, the spinster, the loser, the one who hasn't evolved, I've come to accept it. But. Along with that acceptance came the resolution, the right, to not feel obligated to attend events where I will be the only unmarried, childless person in attendance.
"Thanks, [friend], I just, I don't know. I can't commit to anything right now, I'm in a weird state of limbo and I don't want to make a commitment that there's a good chance I won't be able to fulfill."
"Oh, come on, Trill, what are you going to have come up that will interfere with New Year's Eve? When was the last time you did anything on New Year's Eve?"
Oh yes, she went there. Gauntlet thrown.
Okay, granted, my New Year's Eves haven't exactly been the stuff of legends the past few - okay, several - years. But, that's by choice. I could have done a lot of things on a lot of New Year's Eves but chose to not partake because I'm not really much of a New Year's Eve person. Let's put it this way, I've had options. Lots of options. The only limits were my imagination and my finances. This friend, on the other hand, has limitations like her husband's work schedule, their children's school schedules, her "Mothers' Meditation" group schedule...her marriage...I could/can go out in the street and kiss strangers with reckless, inconsequential abandon. Heck, if I could get someone to have sex with me I could have sex with reckless, inconsequential abandon. Any night, not just New Year's Eve. Well. You know what I mean.
My friend? Not so much.
Wanted to say, "When was the last time you did anything on New Year's Eve? Your wedding? Yeah. Thought so."
Instead, I took the high road and said, "Yeah, well, you know I'm not much of a New Year's Eve person."
"Exactly. That's why you should make plans and come to our vows renewal."
I tried to remember what I've read about how to politely assert my feelings in these situations and not feel obligated and get pushed into doing something I really don't want to do.
"I dunno, [friend], I know this is important to you and I respect your enthusiasm, and I'm sure it will be a fun party, but this is just a really bad time for me." (I know, very good job on the diplomacy, there, Trill. Thank you, I thought so, too.)
"You're in our wedding photos. You're in our wedding video. You were there. You were part of it. And this is a renewal, a recreation, the theme is that we've changed but our commitment remains. Get it? Commitment in spite of change? Trill? Commitment?" Her tone was tinged with sarcasm and not-so-subtle-unspoken innuendo my lack of commitment.
Holy schoolyard bully!!! My friend, my erstwhile friend who I haven't heard from in over a year, has the balls - oh yes, this takes balls, apparently she's grown a set - and was playing the emotional blackmail card as a device to bully me into attending her wedding re-creation. Until she played that card I was teetering on the edge of accepting out of a sense of obligation, but when she intoned that I was lacking commitment by hedging on my bridesmaid duty, well, two can play that juvenile game, sister.
You wanna talk commitment? Where has your commitment to me been for the past year? You have a friend, and not just some casual acquaintance, a friend who you wanted in your wedding, a friend who paid an insane amount of money for an ugly, rash-inducing dress and flew thousands of miles and spent a ton of money to attend three, count 'em, pre-wedding parties including lavish showers and a drunken bachelorette party. A friend who endured being paired up with the creepy pervy cousin of the groom at the wedding. A friend who also racked up thousands of air miles to plan and attend two baby showers and christenings. A friend who did all of that with a smile and not one word of complaint. Yeah, that friend. And that friend is going through a truly devastating situation and is struggling, badly, in every way possible. Where's your commitment to that friend been in the past year? Cripes, the past 5 years, for that matter.
Serenity now.
Once again, I tried to remember what I've read about how to politely assert my feelings in these situations and not feel obligated and get pushed into doing something I really don't want to do.
Trying really hard to keep an even, unemotional tone, I said, "I get it, [friend], I do, and I'm so happy for you and your husband and it's so nice that you are still so much in love that you want to renew your vows. That's a really lovely thing. And if it gets closer to the big event and I can make it there, I'll do what I can to get there. But right now, in mid-October, I can't commit to anything, especially New Year's Eve plans. I hope you understand that."
Another sigh of frustration from my friend.
"I don't understand because I can't understand. I've never been laid off and single and unemployed. I'm sure it must suck. And I don't know what you're thinking or what you're going to do. You didn't paint yourself into this corner, but, you are painted into a corner. And I don't understand how you could let that happen. So. No, actually, I do not understand your situation and I don't understand why you won't take advantage of an opportunity for a free vacation. It's not as if we're trying to sell you a time-share, Trill, your only obligation is to show up to a party, Trill, a party. All expenses paid and all you have to do is go to a party. No. I do not 'understand.'"
Well. There it is. I've always liked her matter-of-fact direct approach, and, so, you know, there it is, all out in the open and I have to admire and respect her directness.
Sounds like we're breaking up, which, I kinda thought had already happened, we just drifted and didn't need to have the break-up conversation. It's not that I don't care about her, but...we have absolutely nothing in common.
Determined to not let this turn into a tit-for-tat argument (well, okay, more of a tit-for-tat argument), I said, "Welllll, I understand your party is important to you, and I understand that you want it to be an authentic replication of your wedding..."
My erstwhile friend interrupted me, "It's not about an 'authentic replication,' it's about recapturing the fun and joy of our wedding."
(Tomato-tomahto.)
"Okay, sorry. Look, I understand you can't understand my situation. I'm glad you don't understand my situation because I wouldn't wish it on anyone. How about if we wait and see what happens, or not, in the next month or so, regardless of what transpires in my life I should be more able to figure out if going away for New Year's Eve is feasible in a month-ish."
I said nothing about the dress...the dress that I no longer have in my possession.
We left it at that. I asked about her kids, she spent 35 minutes talking about the lack of adequate lacrosse coaching for 4-year-olds in her area, and that was that.
I dunno. Maybe I should have just seized the opportunity for an argument and a nasty friend breakup, but I don't want that. Not really. I don't know what we have, it's not friendship, but it's not not friendship. I do care about her and her kids and all of that, and I think she cares about me. She wouldn't be so obviously frustrated with me and my lack of husband and employment if she didn't care. But, we're just very, very different people. We used to have a lot in common and now we don't. End of story. And maybe end of story does mean end of friendship.
But, I dunno. That doesn't seem right. I'm not big on vow renewals, and I'm not big on New Year's Eve, and I don't have the horrific bridesmaid dress she wants me to refashion into an outfit for her New Year's Eve vow renewal, but, it's important to her, and I was part of the wedding, and...
Yeah. I think we all know what I'll be doing New Year's Eve.
* That honor went to a satin mauve number that was supposed to invoke old Hollywood glamor but instead invoked a cheap Reno hooker in a low-budget '70s cop show aesthetic.
