Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.
Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.
Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)
Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)
Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains
Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away
Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains
A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right
Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains
Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero
Wednesday, March 31, 2004 The Theme for Today is: The Universe Giveth, and The Universe Taketh Away
I found $20 in my coat pocket this morning. I think it's unspent bar money. All the way to work I mused on what I could do with my newfound fortune. Many altruistic thoughts came to mind. I was still toying with which I would choose when I took off my coat in the office and brushed my hair and realized: Somewhere along my commute to work I lost an earring. A very nice earring. A very unusual and irreplaceable earring.
Swut altruism. That $20 is mine.
Reality Wednesday A Date in Every Port
A new reality dating show! Follow the dating adventures of traveling singles, looking for fun and romance in every town they visit! These singles are earning their frequent flyer miles!
Required:
Laptop or internet access.
Membership to an online dating site.
Job requiring travel and overnight stays.
Optional but candidates with the following are strongly urged to apply:
Open expense account.
Flexible travel schedule.
This week's contestants include an English lawyer visiting a large American city on business. His Friday return flight to London is overbooked. He is on standby from business to first class. He is informed his upgrade will not be available. He is then informed he has the option of taking a flight the next day and receiving not only a free ticket, but a free first class upgrade for whatever flight he chooses. Because he is on company business and because he can charge any hotel accommodation fees on his expense account, he opts to stay in town for the weekend, see a few sites, and return home Sunday.
Once he settles his hotel arrangements, the fun and excitement of this week's adventure begin.
Off camera interview segment in an office overlooking the Thames and Parliament: "I had the option of spending the weekend in a city I had never visited. I'd been there for a few days on business, but was too busy to see the city. You know how it is: airport, taxi, hotel, taxi, board room, taxi, hotel, taxi, restaurant, taxi, hotel, get up, do it all again the next day, only with room service, then the next day it's taxi, board room, taxi, hotel, taxi, airport, home. When my flight was full, and my upgrade wasn't available, I saw it as a sign to stay in town for the weekend, check out the sites, have a little fun.
"Friday night I went out on my own, had a nice dinner, walked the streets, just drank in the atmosphere of the city. I saw all these couples and thought how great it would be to have a date. But there I was, a foreigner, in a city where I knew no one...oh sure, I could have had the concierge arrange a "date" but that's not my style. Bar scene? No, that's not my style, either, and what a dreadful line: 'My flight was full, I'm stuck in town for the weekend. Buy you a drink?'
"I wound up back in my hotel room, working, sending email back to the office, when it hit me: My online dating site! Of course! There's a wealth of women right here at my fingertips! I already belong to the world's largest internet dating site, already have a profile posted, so I logged in, and searched THIS city for a few women I might find interesting. Well. The results were the same there as at home. Once you narrow down your criteria, there really aren't that many available women. There were three who caught my eye, but one, TakeMeImYours, stood out above the others. Something about her smile, slightly coy, slightly sardonic, and she had these big green eyes framed with eyebrows I could just about see arching in that playful 'oh yeah? prove it!' way...but her profile was what really got me. She was witty, clever, sarcastic and clearly had a good sense of humor, didn't take herself or the whole online dating process so seriously. I liked her. I just really liked her. So I sent her an email. I knew it was a long shot, but I thought, 'why not?'"
Why not, indeed.
Cut to his laptop screen with an online dating profile including photo of the sardonically smiling green eyed beauty is displayed. The screen then refreshes to an email subject line: 'My flight was full, I'm stuck in town for the weekend. Can I buy you a drink?'
Cut to a living room with a woman resembling the woman in the previously viewed profile photo. "I got up early Saturday morning as I usually do, and checked my email. I've been attempting to 'get back out there' again, try dating, try to at least meet some new people. I get quite a lot of email, which is good, I guess. But, well...so far I just haven't met a great match. Except for BritBarrister... I checked my email and was immediately drawn to the subject line 'My flight was full, I'm stuck in town for the weekend. Can I buy you a drink?' and laughed out loud. I've been in that exact situation and often thought it would be a good idea to hook up with someone local online. And there's the whole 'this is the cheesiest line I've ever heard' aspect to it. I opened his email right away, and liked his brief, witty and seemingly sincere note. I checked out his profile, BritBarrister (he's a member in the UK) and liked how he presented himself. I sent him a reply, hoping I wasn't too late, that he hadn't already found a local, um, 'hostess.' (giggles) I'd had a rather lackluster first meeting with a dating site guy the night previous, didn't have a lot of plans for the rest of the weekend, so I was sort of excited about the last minute spontaneity of the whole thing. Plus, and this is a big plus, it was a very un-date sort of date because he's obviously going home and there would be no Big Serious Pretensions About If This Will Go Anywhere Long Term underlying intentions. Just a fun casual thing, exactly what I needed."
Cut to back to the office overlooking the Thames and Parliament: "I hadn't adjusted to the local time, so I'd been awake, working, for an hour when I received a reply email from TakeMeImYours. I won't deny it, my heart skipped a beat with excitement. I hadn't emailed anyone other than TakeMeImYours, put all my eggs in her basket. I was well pleased she replied. I was a bit concerned to open the email, she had every right to find me a presumptuous prat and to slag me off for that email I'd sent. Fortunately she didn't, in fact she gave me her phone number. I knew she was awake, even at that early hour, after all, she'd just sent an email. I rang her straight away."
Cut back to the living room with a woman resembling the woman in the previously viewed profile photo: "I had barely hit send when my phone rang. I knew it was him, of course it was him. We immediately fell into an easy rapport. The situation, our personalities...the whole thing just lent itself to an easy, almost joke quality. In fact we both made joking innuendoes about the whole thing. I really liked BritBarrister's sense of humor, and he understood mine."
Cut to back to the office overlooking the Thames and Parliament: "TakeMeImYours is a terrific girl. Just the greatest. So easy to talk to, so real, so down to earth but at the same time witty and intelligent. And she's got a very sexy voice, too. Turns out she used to live in London, we had lots to talk about. We spent over an hour on the telephone. She was available that night, so we made plans for dinner."
Cut back to the living room with TakeMeImYours in pre-date mode. We see her talking on the phone, casually dressed. "Yeah, I guess it's a little weird. Nervous? Nah, I mean, there are no pretenses, unless he expects me to sleep with him, which I won't. But he seems okay, it doesn't seem 'like that.' In fact, what do you want to bet I end up really liking this one?" She checks the clock and abruptly ends her conversation. We see her turn on her iTunes. She scrolls through her play lists. We hear odd opening strains of Kirsty MacColl's Não Esperando. She leaves the computer/stereo, we hear pipes groan and the shower begin running. We see her walk by and begin rifling through her closet. Steam from the shower begins to spill from the bathroom. Clothes fly by landing on and around the bed. She leaves the bedroom in pursuit of an elusive item. She has several items of clothing spewed across her bed. The camera pans past the 16 year old girlishness of the clothing arrayed on the bed and about the room and lands on a shelf. Photographs of obvious family and friends beam smiles frozen on film at the viewing audience, a poodle lamp with frilly dotted Swiss lamp shade circa 1956, books of various topics crowd various souvenirs, and boxes containing who knows what treasures. While TakeMeImYours is out of the room, one of the boxes is opened by a producer. The contents are revealed to be several letters and emails written to TakeMeImYours, all from the same person. TakeMeImYours approaches the room, the box is quickly snapped shut.
She awakes when the sun has found her face
And she reaches for the tin where she keeps important things
A cigarette, a magic bean, a page torn from a magazine
And a letter that he sent full of promises and dreams
TakeMeImYours dashes past, we catch a glimpse of flesh, and hear her begin to sing along with Kirsty. She sticks her head out of the shower to sing along with added emphasis:
Of how he walked across the jungle
Across the desert to the bright shiny city by the sea
She's not waiting anymore
Não esperando seu amor (trans: She's not waiting for her love )
Now the sun is up the spell is broken
She's not waiting anymore
Não esperando seu amor (trans: She's not waiting for her love )
Now the sun is up the dream has flown away
Cut to BritBarrister, being catered to by the staff of an expensive men's clothing store, one of those "for men of discriminating taste, custom tailoring" kinds of men's clothing stores where questions are posed in the third person, 'does sir prefer the Zegna or the Behar?' Shirts and trousers of various styles are offered, BritBarrister weighs each carefully, then, with the last choices offered, is pleased the shop finally offers something he deems acceptable.
Cut to TakeMeImYours, out of the shower, in a robe, frantically drying and styling her hair (as a cat looks on from the hall)
Another day, now his words have worn away
And his face, well she can't quite remember
View of BritBarrister, entering a chic metropolitan hotel, carrying discreet shopping bags, exchanging pleasantries with the doorman. We then cut to him in the bathroom of his deluxe suite, freshly showered, attired in just a towel showing off his hairy masculine chest, carefully shaving any trace of facial hair, whistling the tune of the song playing in TakeMeImYours' apartment. It is now we realize he puts us in a Pierce Brosnan frame of mind.
Cut to TakeMeImYours, hair dried and stylishly styled, pulls on her stockings (ruins one, grabs a reserve back-up from the many she has waiting), and continues to try on various outfits, settling on a fetching black number. "Now for the shoes. This is going to be difficult. I have several perfect pairs but this ankle...I don't know. It's risky" as she examines several pairs of stylish and high heeled shoes. She gingerly straps on a pair of sexy, thin heels. She nearly hits her head as she falls during her attempt to stride across the room. "Guess those won't work." as she tries a pair of high heeled boots. "Okay. I can walk in these. Maybe they're better anyway, more casual, not so forcing the sexy date look. Unless he's into boots. In which case neither of us stand a chance."
And she sighs with remorse, all her dreams are flying north
Where they wear fancy clothes, painted nails and long blonde hair
And where they fly across the jungle
Across the desert to the bright shiny city by the sea
TakeMeImYours, back in the bathroom, carefully applying make-up - we can tell by the fancy packaging it is The Good Make-up. We watch her transform from okay looking fresh faced girl next door to Long Cool Woman in a Black Dress, smoky and sultry eyes, glossed pouting full lips and blushed cheekbones to die for. She looks at the camera, "What?" she admonishes, dismissing the camera and at home audience with a "stop it you guys."
She's not waiting anymore
Não esperando seu amor (trans: She's not waiting for her love )
Now the sun is up the spell is broken
She's not waiting anymore
Não esperando seu amor (trans: She's not waiting for her love )
Now the sun is up the dream has flown away
View of BritBarrister, in his deluxe suite, buttoning the final button on his shirt, rolling his cuffs to add a slightly cavalier jaunty feel to his otherwise perfectly polished ensemble. He's checking himself in the mirror, striking poses, practicing dance steps as he hums Não Esperando. We now realize he may in fact be Pierce Brosnan.
TakeMeImYours, back in her bedroom, rifles through her jewelry drawer, trying several earring/necklace combinations. She settles on a slightly edgy necklace and emerald earrings. "When in doubt emeralds!"she advises the camera and home viewing audience. She pulls out a darling evening bag and packs her evening essentials. She begins saucily salsa dancing to the sexy bosa nova beat of N?o Esperando with herself as she accentuates her more flamboyant moves with a few sprays of perfume. "Yeah. I don't often wear perfume, but have two scents I can tolerate, they don't send me lunging for my asthma inhaler. They're very light but slightly exotic and very difficult to find - they're my secret weapons. Are you kidding? I'll never tell. They wouldn't be secret weaponry then, would they?"
See her fly across the jungle
Across the desert to the bright shiny city by the sea
She's not waiting anymore
Não esperando seu amor (trans: She's not waiting for her love )
Now the sun is up the spell is broken
She's not waiting anymore
Não esperando seu amor (trans: She's not waiting for her love )
Now the sun is up the dream has flown away*
TakeMeImYours pulls out a black fitted evening coat from her hall closet. Just before she switches off the light, the camera catches a glint of something in her still opened jewelry drawer. Among the earrings, bracelets, watches and other items of shiny adornment the camera finds the source of the glint: A large sapphire set in a platinum ring. It shines ominously until the light is switched off and the room is dark.
BritBarrister, in his deluxe suite, takes a final look in the mirror, rakes his fingers through his thick, wavy hair. This gives a slightly roguish air to his persona. He grabs his jacket and leaves his room.
Cut back to TakeMeImYours' living room: "When I walked into the lobby of his hotel I saw this, this, man standing there. I was trying to recall the photo he had emailed me, this, this man sort of resembled that photo only, well. A lot more, um, well, sexy? Nice? Roguish? Pierce Brosnan? I don't know. Just more everything."
Off camera interview segment in an office overlooking the Thames and Parliament: "While I was waiting in the lobby for TakeMeImYours to arrive, I realised I had spent the better part of the afternoon preparing for this non-date date with a woman I'd only spoken to once, that very morning. Strange, that. When she walked into the hotel lobby I lost my breath. She looked exactly like her profile photo only a lot more...just a lot more. And she was wearing these amazing boots. I love boots. High heeled sexy boots. How'd she know? From her profile I knew she was tall, I like tall women, and she is tall. And those boots. I was suddenly really, really nervous. First date with a stunner who had obvious intelligence and wit...who wouldn't be nervous?"
Cut back to TakeMeImYours' living room: "Our eyes met at about the same time. He flashed me a gorgeous, semi-wry smile. He had me. Right then, right there, with that smile, I was a goner. He passed my preliminary 'tests:' He had the evening completely mapped out and planned ahead, including name on VIP list (thanks to concierge at his hotel) at a premier nightclub/lounge (not that I'm the least bit impressed by VIP things, but he made real, sincere effort, even enlisted the aid of the Concierge, and that impressed me - he tried, he made effort, he cared enough to use all available resources); he shaved (great skin - he has fabulous skin); dressed in a very nice ensemble; wore very nice, clean and polished shoes (Italian or from The Continent); had minty fresh breath (no Lister-mouth); was clean and not a hint of cologne or goofy after shave; was waiting for me; I don't know if he even had a mobile phone with him; he has apparently studied and memorized Emily Post, Miss Manners and The Rules and has incorporated all rules of decorum and manners into his daily life; he smiled a warm/enthusiastic/caring never condescending or scary smile at me many, many times; gave me lots of eye contact - lots of it; listened; really listened; complimented me -he's a boot guy and really liked mine (giggle) but he complimented me, not just my looks or outfit; he opened every door; prefixed every ordering scenario with: 'TakeMeImYours, what would you like?;' he paid so much attention to me he didn't notice a very A List celebrity and her entourage at the nightclub; he paid for everything, he didn't hog the conversation; was not drunk and over the course of the evening had only two gin and tonics; did not address my boobs, ever, not even surreptitiously while 'putting' me into taxis or helping me with my coat...it's as if he got hold of a list of my dating dos and don'ts and followed them."
Off camera interview segment in an office overlooking the Thames and Parliament: "She's a great girl. Everything I've been looking for but not able to find. We had a terrific evening. The best date I've had in ages."
Cut to scenes of the couple having dinner, walking down lively night city streets, getting into a premier nightspot, cozying up at a banquette, the two sharing eye contact and smiles (artsy clips of moments caught in black and white photos), talking and laughing throughout every scene. They could be a commercial for toothpaste or Guess? or Mentos. He occasionally touches her hand, arm and as the night progresses, her chin and cheek. They look as though they have known each a very long time.
Cut back to TakeMeImYours' living room: "I didn't know what to expect. I suggested dinner at the restaurant in his hotel because it's one of the best restaurants in town and I thought if we didn't hit it off it would be easy enough for him to just make a polite excuse and say good night. I never in a million years expected a guy from another country, who's never been to this city, to have arranged VIP entry into a hot nightclub most locals can't even get into, let alone a banquette reserved for us. A banquette! I love banguettes! What woman doesn't?"
Off camera interview segment in an office overlooking the Thames and Parliament: "I didn't know what to expect, but I never could have imagined that. I'm not really much of a nightclub person anymore, those days are behind me, but the concierge at my hotel suggested it, and well, why not? We ended up having a lot of fun. It made all the difference to go to a club with TakeMeImYours. We could have been anywhere and we would have had fun, it just so happened the concierge at my hotel has an in at that club and got me that great table. Great evening, made me glad I decided to stay the weekend. I didn't want the night to end. I wanted to see her again, so I asked her if she'd like to have brunch with me."
Cut back to the couple walking up a night city street holding hands: "Thank you TakeMeImYours, it's been a great evening." he says, stopping, taking and holding both of her hands, staring deeply into her eyes. A cartoon heart forms between their gaze and floats up off the screen.
"No, thank you for finding me and inviting me out with you! I've had a blast, just a fantastic night." TakeMeImYours gushes.
"Would you like to have brunch in the morning? If you're not busy, that is." he asks.
"That would be great! I'd love to!" she a bit too enthusiastically and quickly agrees.
They stand there holding hands staring at each other.
He hails a cab and puts TakeMeImYours into the cab, surreptitiously giving the driver $20 to cover the fare.
Cut back to TakeMeImYours' living room: "It was such a great evening, and I was going to get to see him again in just a few hours. A lot of guys in his situation would have put moves on me. A guy in town for the weekend, no strings attached, but BritBarrister isn't that sort of guy. I like that about him."
Off camera interview segment in an office overlooking the Thames and Parliament: "Looking back, that was a bit forward of me, presumptuous, even, but I wanted to see her again. What's that? No of course I didn't put moves on her. I respect her. I like her. And she's not a gettin' freaky back in my suite kind of girl. I like that about her."
Cut to the next morning, in TakeMeImYours' apartment, and a repeat of the previous day's date preparations.
She arrives at his hotel, he is once again waiting for her in the lobby.
Cut back to TakeMeImYours' living room: "When I walked into the lobby of his hotel he was standing there again, just as he was the prior evening. I don't know why this surprised me, I guess maybe I thought I'd been caught up in all of it and the fresh dawn of a new day would break the spell. But there he was, again, with that wry smile and tussled thick wavy hair, very real, very much waiting for me. And that wry smile..."
Off camera interview segment in an office overlooking the Thames and Parliament: "While I was waiting in the lobby for TakeMeImYours to arrive, I realised I was nervous again. This was supposed to just be a casual spontaneous thing, but I found myself caring, and anxious to see her again - eager, excited. I thought perhaps she'd be different, look different, act different the morning after. But when she walked into the hotel lobby, again, I was so happy. So much so that I took her hands and hugged her hello. Very uncustomary for me. I'm usually much more reserved in public."
Cut to the couple having brunch in a skyscraping restaurant, overlooking The City and The Lake, with a jazz quintet playing strains of Não Esperando in the background.
The couple is savoring a post meal cup of tea, huddled close together, laughing. BritBarrister has his arm around TakeMeImYours. He looks deep into her eyes, nuzzles her cheek and says, "TakeMeImYours, I don't want to leave!"
We hear a scratch of record. We see a troubled and suddenly downcast TakeMeImYours.
Cut back to TakeMeImYours' living room: "When he said that the spell was broken. I've had to hear this too many times in my past. I was in a very long distance, very emotional relationship filled with too many sad good-byes and forced partings. I knew he meant it, and I felt the same way, I didn't want him to leave. But because I'm no stranger to long distance relationships, I knew what comes next, I knew what to expect. The emotional good-bye, the promises to return as soon as possible, the emptiness and loneliness you feel when you leave the airport knowing they are flying thousands of miles away. Fortunately he said that as we were finishing brunch, we had a nice evening, and nice brunch, good times, good memories. When he asked me to ride with him to the airport I didn't really want to go. Not because of him, not because I wanted to be rid of him, but because I just didn't want to put myself through all of that again. But I couldn't resist that smile and those jokes of his, so I agreed.
"He checked in at the airport, everything for his flight was in order. We had a cup of tea at a café in the airport. We said good-bye. He did that handshake which lingers too long and turns into one of those meaningful hand holds from which he pulls you close and then turns into a kiss maneuvers. That maneuver gets me every time. I like that maneuver. It's smooth but not too swing. He had to go, I needed to get away from there, I was going to melt into a pile of mixed up emotional mush and I did not want him to see that. If I hadn't really liked him, if I hadn't had such a great time, it wouldn't have been such a big deal. But I did like him and I do have a past history of long distance relationshipping. In hindsight, it was probably a bad idea for someone like me to enter this sort of dating thing."
Cut to a near empty commuter train car leaving an airport, TakeMeImYours gazing blankly out into the gray Sunday afternoon sky. (Everyday is Like Sunday plays in the background) She wipes away a tear.
Off camera interview segment in an office overlooking the Thames and Parliament: "I don't know what came over me. I just really liked her. I'm open to trying to get together again, I don't want a long distance relationship, but I'm willing to give it a try, I'd like to at least see her one more time, have another date. I thought about her during my entire flight home. I sent her an email as soon as I got home, thanking her and inviting her to London, but I haven't heard back from her. I got the feeling she's got some issues with a long distance thing. Everything was great until I mentioned I didn't want to leave and asked her to go with me to the airport. I thought I was being open, honest and romantic, but maybe it was too much, too soon, too weird. So after a few days, I sent her flowers. I know. Really trite. I just thought, well, you know, I just wanted to do something nice for her."
Cut back to TakeMeImYours' office, a vase of exotic white blooms adorn her desk: "I could not believe he sent me flowers. I had given him my business card, but I never thought he'd send me anything other than an email. Trite? No. Not from BritBarrister. I think it's just his way of thanking me for taking a last minute chance on him and giving him someone to play with while he was stuck in town. I sent him an email thanking him. I have caught myself thinking about him a lot since we said good bye at the airport. But that's just it: The airport. That stupid airport. My romantic and emotional life has always revolved around aiports. Why can't BritBarrister live down the block from me? Why didn't I meet him when I was living in London? It's all too ironic and too much for me now. Yes. I like him. Okay? I like him. But he's thousands of miles away. We both want to settle down, soon, which requires some pretty quick and intense dating, and the distance makes that very difficult. End of story. I never should have agreed to this show. I'm not emotionally capable of handling the possibility of actually liking a man who blows into town for a weekend then leaves."
And fade to black.
*Guide says: This is but one of the really great songs from a truly fabulous cd: Tropical Brainstorm by the brilliant, late, super great Kirsty MacColl.
Tuesday, March 30, 2004 Mortgage and the Single Girl
People have been telling me I should buy a house or condo from the first day I moved to Chicago.
They cite all the usual reasons: Tax advantages, investment for the future, pride of ownership.
The most convincing reason offered by two female friends: Buy a condo or house, you will meet a husband and be married within a year.
For many women, homeownership is the last and final nail in the spinster coffin. Most women, and many men, too, view homeownership as a married enterprise. Purchasing real estate signifies settling down. Growing roots. Permanence. Something most single people do not feel they have, want or are ready to endeavor. Additionally, many women view purchasing a home on their own as giving up, giving in to practicality and the reality that they are not married, Mr. Right has not come along and doesn't appear to be looking or waiting for her, yet they're paying rent, losing years of potential equity in a home and losing out on the tax advantages real estate offers.
Sooner or later, usually later, they think, "okay, fine, I might as well do this on my own."
And in the case of my two friends, within a year of closing on their homes, they met their Mr. Rights and married, causing them to sell their homes long before they actualized any profit in their purchase (one took a loss).
I have my own reasons for abstaining from the home ownerships game. I was getting married, moving from this city, haven't seen a place I'd like to buy, and more to the point: Could not afford to buy a home.
Because for all the above reasons, the predominant reason singles do not purchase homes is because they simply cannot afford to do it on one income. Even if they are able to save the very, very base minimum 3% down payment on a modest condo or house, there are closing fees, points, insurance and property taxes to be paid. And yes, of course, it can be done, and many times the result will be less annual outgoing payments than a year of rent.
But not often. I've seriously looked into this. Most singles, unless they are earning a very high salary and/or paying a very high rate of rent, are financially better off renting. The savings on income taxes are not spectacular, in most cases not enough to offset the mortgage rate + property tax + home insurance (and in the case of condos, association fees + building maintenance). The advantage is, of course, that they will have a home, and in 15 or 30 years they will own it. At which time they can continue to live there, paying only their property tax and insurance, or sell it and move to a retirement community where they will pay "rent" based on their assets.
Had our single person remained a renter, remained in mid-priced rental units, they could have invested in a retirement fund or IRA or, heck, even a modest savings account and ended up with the same or comparative assets, in the same retirement community.
But of course they wouldn't have experienced the joys of home ownership. New roofs, broken appliances, high utility bills, trashy neighbors, property tax increases, property devaluation...
That's not to say renting is one carefree, joyous cheap day after another. Slumlords, scumlords, property management companies, rent increases, broken appliances and leaky roofs that don't get repaired, and of course noisy neighbors.
Which is what sparked my recent, "maybe..." foray into feeling out the home ownership waters.
I am "lucky" to live in a very old (but charming yet never rehabbed) vintage building. It is spacious by Chicago apartment standards. And compared to the new spit and Kleenex, paper thin walled apartments mine is relatively quiet. I really can't complain about my neighbors. We're a group of professional people living with our cats.
But.
I've got rough banging, multiple, screamer next door (and she's got a new and even more vigorous boyfriend who is also very vocal! She's met her soul mate! Or at least her sexual soul mate. I'm happy for her. Just thrilled. (I do like her, I just don't want to hear her prolonged, multiple screams)) and now new neighbors, a lesbian couple below me - both apparently also multiple screamers/groaners.
We all know I have a sleeping problem, erm challenge. I don't require or get more than five hours of sleep a night. So those four or five hours are really important to me. Nearly every night for the past month I've just drifted off to sleep only to be awoken by the lesbians downstairs. Fortunately they are quite efficient, they manage to get things finished up in under and hour. But then the banshee next door with muffled thump, thump, thump of her bed banging into my wall, then the repeated shrieks of terror, erm ecstasy begins her nightly two hour romp in the sack.
I like all these women, but we're not that close. I am not going to approach this topic of conversation with them. I'm just not. Don't tell me, as many of you did last time I wrote about The Banshee, to tell her to shut up or play my stereo at top volume. Apart from their extremely noisy sex, they are all very good, quiet neighbors. It could be a lot worse. I've suffered through much worse.
But.
I don't want to spend my life losing sleep because of neighbors who have very active and noisy sex lives.
Which is another reason I don't want to buy a condo. Frankie suffered this exact situation in her condo. It's worse if you own it - you can't just move when your lease ends or hope the noisy neighbor will move at the end of theirs. You are potentially stuck 15 or 30 years listening to your neighbors have sex. Particularly in some of the newer condo buildings. (as Frankie experienced with a very active lothario who lived next door to her. He regularly apparently lived out that everyguy fantasy of two or more women at once.)
But.
A house? Sure, I'd love a house! In theory. Sort of. Maybe.
But even with all the first time owner breaks and borrowing a lot of money from my parents, the only house I could afford is in a very, very far away suburb or in a not so great part of town - and even then most of those properties are out of my range.
I make it sound as if I have a range.
Or that I know what my range is.
I have toyed with all the online calculators. And discovered on my current salary, and debt, and lack of down payment I can't consider much of a mortgage. Let's just say my choices will be very limited. Especially in this town. Certainly nothing available in my current neighborhood in my "price range." Condos start around $380,000. A new building going up across the street from me is offering two bedroom condos for $430,000. Yes. Condos. Sharing walls, floors and ceilings. Wood floors. And thin walls. No garage, but a parking space. Uncovered. And the El roaring through the back windows. All for just $430,000! What a deal! Did I hear someone say sucker? Oh. That was me.
After a particularly long run of sleepless nights, I re-evaluated my housing options. Maybe I could consider that financial taboo: Tapping into the 401K for a down payment.
I know. Don't touch what little money I have saved for retirement.
But there ain't gonna be any retirement if I don't get a few nights of uninterrupted sleep, because there won't be a job from which I can retire. Because I will be on the firing end of my superhero powers if my sleepless nights continue to leave me exhausted and consequently uncreative and in a very bad mood.
But back to the other dilemma: There aren't many houses I can afford, even zero-ing out my 401K for a down payment. I would like a bungalow, and the city offers those great incentives to restore bungalows, but people, couples are snatching them up, fighting for them, bidding war fighting for them, as quickly as they appear. Most don't even make it to the open market.
"Get yourself a good agent." was the advice one of my former single homeowner friends advised, "that's the only way you'll ever get a place worth having." Of course she doesn't know of a good agent.
I've been glancing at "for sale" ads, have made a few online investigative searches. Which have uncovered nothing I can even contemplate owning.
I have discerned the best option for me, shy of an actual detached house, is a townhouse. Because I want to remain in the city. And a detached house in the city is out of the question for me. Well. For my financial situation. A single homeowner on a limited income.
I decided I should look at what's out there, what's available in all price ranges, so that I will know what I'm not getting in a less expensive unit, what concessions I will be making by not buying a pricier place.
Listen to me, as if I'm in the market.
That's because that's how these people talk. They get you talking as if you can actually afford a home, as if you are a viable mortgage holder. It's all part of their evil sales approach. Get you thinking like you can do this, and you will find a way. Soon you will Believe.
I've attended three open houses. The reps at these things are cut of the used car salesman mould. I am quite certain that's how they begin their real estate careers. "I'm selling used cars now, because I want to hone my people skills for when I'm selling real estate. Yes, that's right, I'm selling used cars at night and on weekends, during the day I'm taking real estate classes and studying for my license. In just a few months I'll be selling the American Dream! But I'll probably continue to sell used cars at nights and on weekends, you know, just to keep my options and contacts fresh. If a person buys a new home they'll want a car in the garage! Or, if a person buys a car, I can convince them, the price of their new used car would be all it would take to get them in a new home! Clever, eh? I thought so too."
I foolishly did not take a Negotiator with me on my first two tours. I was captive, a rat in a cage, a hapless tourist on Gilligan's doomed three hour tour.
These people, these home reps, prey upon lone open house viewers. We validate their shallow, yet accurate, view that we can't and never will be able to afford upper middle class housing in "safe" neighborhoods and therefore are not worth their sales efforts beyond a condescending opening fact finding conversation cloaked in pleasantries.
They size us up as we approach the property. They may assume we're part of a couple, out on a reconnaissance mission, finding facts to take home to the man of the family. I assume this because that's how they talked to me. As if I was stupid. Okay, so when it comes to home buying, I am stupid, but they didn't know that and had no right to assume that.
"Does your husband work in the city?" she first asked me. Which was really stupid on her part. Yes. Her part. We all know every woman over the age of 12 sizes up other women thusly: Shoes, hair, makeup, wedding/engagement ring. We do this in an instant, at first glance. So, seeing my bare left finger, she knew swutting well there is no husband.
Or maybe she wasn't so stupid. I soon discovered her tactic. She made this statement to force me to acknowledge and openly admit I am single and looking at a potential home. For myself. Me. Alone. Single homeowner. Acknowledging that I am probably never going to afford the piece of real estate she is hawking. Acknowledging her time would be better spent with that darling couple looking at the Sub Zero in the kitchen. Hence giving her permission to leave me to wander around the house on my own while she pursues "real" customers.
You go out innocently looking at a model home, and come home with a reality check the size of five years of therapy.
The problem, of course, is that I found a place I really like. Totally out any "range" I could remotely consider, even begging and borrowing from my parents, aunts, friends, and working three jobs. But I am filled with ambition, drive and a deep seeded need to prove that fake blonde real estate bitch I can afford and want that townhouse on my own. I'm learning. I never understood the whole pride of ownership argument for owning a home. Now I am beginning to understand. It's actually pride at proving the obnoxious condescending real estate agents wrong about how poor and pathetic you are.
Why all this rage and hostility?
Because as I left, she asked if I liked the house.
I did and said as much.
Now.
That is Tactical Error #1 in the used car/real estate/electronic item buyer's book of Huge Mistakes Idiots Make when Purchasing a High Ticket Item. Never, ever admit you like the goods on offer. EVER.
This is why you always take a Negotiator. They keep you sane. They keep your reality in check. Even if you are "just looking." They point out the bad points of the Item. They kick you if you imply you like the Item to the sales rep. They kick you really hard. They speak for you. As if you are a stranger in a strange land. Because you are in fact a stranger in a strange land. You are an idiot with little money and even less negotiating savvy. The Negotiator knows if you are somehow able to actually finagle some sort of financial arrangement to purchase the item you will not be able to go out drinking with them. They know you will be eating Ramen and off brand Slim-Fast instead of trying new restaurants with them. They know you will still be watching that really old television that hurts your eyes so movie night will always be at their place and not yours, and it will be movie nights in because you will never be able to afford the going rate at first run theatres. They know you're in way over your head and cannot be trusted to speak or act for yourself.
Right. So. I was without a Negotiator, and committed Tactical Error #1. I openly admitted I liked the townhouse. I even did so enthusiastically. Without a trace of over enthusiasm implying I was faking it. Because I wasn't. Faking it. Unlike a certain neighbor of mine. Ooops. I'm tired, okay? Really swutting tired.
My open-but-not-too-much enthusiasm prompted the condescending bitch to re-think her assessment of me. "Hmmmm. Single. No children. She walked up, I didn't see a car...nice coat but she's wearing Bass shoes...no, definitely not in our buyer profile, but she seems sincere. Maybe she's got parents who have come to realize she's never going to get married and are resigned to giving her the wedding money they've been saving for her all these years to use as a down payment."
Maybe I'm being paranoid.
Of maybe not.
Because she then said, "Should we run some numbers for you?"
Swut.
How'd I get myself into a "run some numbers" situation without a Negotiator?
Wait.
That's exactly how I got into a "run some numbers" situation. I went without a Negotiator.
"Oh, no, not today. Thanks." I stammered out, fingering the brochures and floor plans.
I know I heard her think, "uh Huh. Just as I originally suspected. Pathetic single loser. Waste of my sales time."
Or maybe I'm being paranoid.
But now I am filled with a need to buy that townhouse. No matter what. Somehow I must find the money to buy that townhouse. Not for me, but for the entire single home buying population.
My purchasing that townhouse will be a victory, a triumph for all single people who have ever wandered into the married waters of home buying.
All the single people who have not slept more than a few hours a night for weeks because of their noisily oversexed neighbors.
Monday, March 29, 2004 I'm Only Swollen When It Rains To my would-be mugger, the man who shoved me down the subway stairs during an attempted mugging last July.
Hi,
Wow, can you believe it's been over nine months? Me either! The time has just flown by - what with the doctor appointments, managing my hectic life in various casts and on crutches, and physical therapy and all.
We only met briefly, but you had a profound impact on my life.
I bet you hear that a lot.
What you might not hear very often, and I thought you should know, is that I have not been angry with you. I have tried, from time to time, overwhelmed with frustration at coping with a broken ankle, to muster anger at you. To lash out against you. I have not been able to summon that hostility. I have been angry at the situation, but not at you. I don't know you well enough to be angry at you.
Sometimes, when I've felt particularly charitable, I've even defended you. "Drugs, poverty, lack of education...it's not his fault. His family, society, education and religion failed him." I have said of your presumed situation, your lot in life.
A few times I even mused as to your personal story. I wrote it fraught with tragedy and violence. I cut you a lot of slack. In the stories I've written of your life you are a victim.
I have preferred to keep you as you wanted: An anonymous fleeting, faceless, blurred rear view image.
My inability to see any visual traits of you has kept my focus away from the incident and on my recovery. Why dwell on the who, how or why of the situation after the fact when I cannot conjure even one of your unique characteristics? What good would it do me to replay the events leading up to you shoving me down those crowded stairs? I cannot turn back time, I cannot undo anything that was done. I was left wounded and temporarily crippled, and I had to cope with that. Anger at you or "what ifs" serve no purpose, give me no joy and solve nothing. So I have not allowed you to occupy my thoughts.
I am a very here and now kind of person. I bet you didn't know that about me. I deal with stuff. I cope. I manage. I observe and report.
I've been really lucky. I have so far avoided surgery. There were two very bad breaks. A chipped bone, too. Ligament and nerve damage. My orthopedic team, yes, team, has been terrific and because I have diligently followed their advice, it looks like I won't have to have surgery. We won't know for certain until June when I have my final x-rays and MRI. But here's hoping! Apart from a little bit of swelling, an inability to flex a full, normal range of motion and shooting, stinging pain in my arch I'm almost back to normal. Oh, there is that little problem with my neck, when I spend more than a few hours at a computer, my neck and shoulder ache and burn such that I can barely turn my head. But with proper medication and bed rest in a bulky neck brace it usually subsides in a few days. Better living through pharmaceuticals! Besides, what with all this time in a cast and on crutches, my already lackluster romantic life has come to a complete and utter standstill, so it's not as if I've needed to be concerned about sexy bedroom attire.
My doctor told me I might notice swelling and pain in my ankle when it rains. I thought I knew what to expect. I broke my arm really badly when I was young, and every now and then I get a little twinge, a weak feeling in it. Just a small irritation that passes as quickly as the rain abates. So I wasn't terribly concerned about what I might feel in my ankle.
Well, attempted mugger man, as you know, we've had a very rainy week. Yesterday, especially, was particularly rainy. Wasn't that a terrific Spring storm?!
My ankle is once again swollen to it's pre-therapy size. The pain, which had been decreasing, returned to intolerable levels. And I am typing this wearing that neck brace.
My anger, hostility and rage blew in with yesterday's storm.
I am now, nine and a half months later really, swutting mad at you. Furious. I don't give a swut about your problems. The bad hand life dealt you. I don't swutting care. You did this to me. Me! A person you don't know, a person who happened to be on the right place on the stairs for you to attempt your dastardly deed. I have consoled myself with, "better me than someone older or less able to recover from these injuries..." Yeah. I'm real swutting altruistic. A regular saint. But I no longer have mercy, sympathy or patience for you.
Every time it rains, I will now think of you. I used to enjoy rainstorms.
A lot.
I looked forward to rainy days and thunderstorms. One of nature's gifts to the Universe. But even that small joy has now been taken away from me.
By you.
And that's why I'm finally mad at you. You have marred one of my lifelong pleasures. I hate you. I don't know you, but I hate you. It's useless emotional energy to waste on someone I don't even know, but this newfound aspect of what you did to me has pushed me over my edge of tolerance.
I just thought you should know. Because any salvation you were hoping to gain by my sympathy and understanding has been permanently revoked. You took something pleasurable away from me and replaced it with dread and physical pain.
I am officially telling you and the Universe: I am mad at you. Very, very angry. It took a while, but yes, I am mad. I am swutting mad at you.
7:51 AM
Friday, March 26, 2004 Women, The Internet and You: Tips for Men Who Use Online Dating Sites, Part III The First Date
So you've posted a good profile. You've performed a refined, well defined search of available women. You've sent a nice email of introduction.
And she responded! She thinks you're cute! (insert video clip of Rudolph taking flight because Clarice just told him she thinks he's cute. 40 some years later and that early claymation children's holiday special is still the best summarization of that first thrill of acceptance by a member of the opposite sex. Tragic, really, that Hollywood hasn't been able to do any better in all this time.)
Right. She thinks you're cute and witty and nice and thanks you for noticing her profile and the nice compliments you paid her and she'd like to chat or maybe even talk on the phone!
So you gauge what the proper pace is - perhaps another email, then if things seem okay-ish, you can call and talk on the phone, if that goes okay, if there is a rapport and easy-ish conversation you could ask her on a casual meeting - coffee, drinks after work, possibly lunch and take it from there.
I'm going to back up for a minute.
There are a couple of ways to proceed after she favorably returns your email of interest.
I, and all of the women I know, thoroughly endorse both approaches.
Approach I
She sends you an email reply to your initial email of interest.
You respond.
She responds to that.
You strike up an IM chat.
You exchange phone numbers.
You call her.
You talk.
There's a rapport.
You ask if she'd like to meet for coffee on Sunday afternoon or drinks after work or lunch.
She says yes, and YOU'RE IN BABY, YOU'RE IN!!
This process can take days, or weeks.
If you and/or she needs this time to get to know each other, that's perfectly normal and acceptable, and the reason a lot of people use online dating sites.
Just be careful. If you let the preliminary contact, the Pre-Date Contact go on too long you run the risk of falling in love with the person before you've even met face to face. "Risk?" you ask. Yes. This is risky. It can and does happen, and that's great, but sometimes a meeting of the minds is not a meeting of the chemistry. Millions of people read Stephen King. (yeah, really. I know. I don't get it either.) Those millions of people read Stephen King because they like his style. So much so that they read book after book. They really like his writing. He engages them. They think he's brilliant. And a marvelous story teller. (okay, The Shining, Carrie, Misery...very good well written stories, you got me there) They feel they have a certain rapport with Mr. King because they like his writing and the stories he imagines, and the way he turns a phrase. It appeals to them on some emotional level. But I guarantee you, very few of Stephen King's devoted readers would actually want to date him were they to meet him face to face. (Yes, this is loosely implicating Misery, which is why I chose Stephen King as an example, connect your own dots.)
This happens a lot with internet hook-ups. Everything's great in writing, maybe even in talking, but together you're just all awkward with each other. And I'm not talking about physical attraction. I'm talking about that elusive "thing" known as chemistry.
I used to work with this woman who, in theory, was an exact duplicate of my personality. We were the same age, we shared the same views on our clients, we often came up with the exact same ideas, she had an evil sarcastic streak, she didn't take work too seriously, we shared the all the same interests outside of work, on more than one occasion we were reading the same book and listening to the same music (several times I saw her at concerts), we had very similar fashion taste, we were both vegetarian...you get the point, we were made for each other. And no. We didn't end up hating each other, but we never "clicked." To this day I can't tell you why. I liked her, I really did. I was in no way jealous of her, and as far as I know, she liked me and wasn't jealous of me. We just didn't have any chemistry. We should have been best friends 4Ever, but when I left that job, we didn't keep in touch and that was that.
Sometimes dates are like that. Everything seems perfect in theory, in writing, and even in physical attraction. But that chemistry just isn't there.
And you will both know it.
So don't force the issue.
If everything really is perfect except you don't feel chemistry, I strongly urge you to have a second or even third date before dismissing her altogether. If it's been so great in writing, there is something there that deserves a few chances. But if after two or three dates it's just not there, don't force it simply because it seemed so good before you met face to face. And for swut's sake, DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH THAT WOMAN.
Three dates or less do not require an actual conversation about never seeing each other again. If you don't call and don't email, she'll get the hint. Loud and clear. She may even be relieved. Because she didn't feel "it" either.
However, if she calls you, or emails you, and implies that she thinks everything is great and wants to see you again, you might have to say something difficult. Be nice about it, okay?
Or maybe, if you realize she really is very interested in you, you might begin to feel that chemistry. Maybe what was missing was the acknowledgment that she likes you. That she sees a future with you. A lot of relationships are doomed because of shyness or ambiguity about "what's going on here?" If this is the case, see her again. But DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH THAT WOMAN. If anything tingles or moves or stirs within you, proceed to a few more dates. Good luck. Send me photos of the wedding.
Approach II
She sends you an email reply to your initial email of interest.
She sounds great!
You send her an email and include your phone number.
She sends you an email and includes her phone number.
Within two days, you call her.
You can talk a bit, see if there's any rapport. Maybe have a few phone conversations.
Or you can simply call her and ask her out.
Yes. Just like that.
Just like pulling off a Band-Aid. Get it over and out in the open.
This might seem a little fast, or a bit too swing for you.
It did to me at first, too.
But now I'm beginning to endorse it as the only way to go.
Because Approach I, for all it's romance and intrigue and anticipation, can lead to big disappointments. Or small irritations. Online dating is about dating. So, go on dates! I guarantee you, the results, at least so far as I've experienced, will be the same or similar. It all comes down to chemistry. You can email and chat and talk for weeks or you can jump right in with little or no knowledge of each other. Seriously. So far I have found very little difference. And yes, of course, there are safety and comfort zone issues, I absolutely understand and agree. But if you follow your intuition and aren't stupid and follow a few general guidelines (see below) it won't matter. Remember, most animals stalk their prey over a period of time. Build up a comfort level then attack when the victim least expects it, gets caught with their guard down. Internet stalkers are animals. (To be fair, if she/he seems all wrong for you based on your profiles, and yet she/he is really pushing a date now, I strongly caution you to re-think whether or not you really want to meet this person.)
Long and slow, short and fast? I think in a lot of cases, short and fast. Why prolong the agony or ecstasy? We all know what's going on here, we met on an internet dating site. We all know there are lots of options, we all know we're all entertaining more than a few opportunities. We all know if this one doesn't work out, there's another possibility. And new members joining every day!
No, that doesn't soothe the bitter sting of rejection. I know. And I don't mean to make light of it. But pick yourself up, dust yourself off and search all over again. She will. You might as well, too.
Okay. Those are the approaches.
Now a few basic dating tips. You've agreed to a date, either through Approach I or Approach II.
You've done this before, you know your way around a date. You know the dos and don'ts. A date's a date, right?
Yes.
And no.
It is a date and you need to treat it as such. You cannot think "yeah, I'm going out later, just some girl I met online." Which is a typical mindset. Get over it. Now. She is not "just some girl you met on the internet." She is your date. A date you chose out of hundreds of other possible dates. She's sounding more special now, isn't she? That's right. She is. She is not just some girl you saw at the pub the other night. She is the girl you sought out from a list of hundreds of options. So treat her, and the date, with the respect that sort of decision deserves.
Internet dating can make first dates feel different. If you and she have both written insightful profiles, and if you've exchanged emails and maybe a few phone calls, you both probably feel like you know each other. "I wasn't nervous at all, datemenow.com allowed us to develop our relationship before we even met." is a common statement. And this is not necessarily a bad thing. Except in terms of the first date. This familiarity can lead to a comfortable attitude. And this is not necessarily a bad thing. Except that it's a first swutting date, and you need to treat it as such. It's great that you feel comfortable with her, that you have a handle on her communication style (no excuses for lengthy awkward pauses, then) her sense of humor (no inappropriate jokes, then) and what she's "looking for" (no surprises, then). But. You need to keep First Date firmly in mind. Which means all the usual First Date rules apply. There is a tendency to go in with a slightly different attitude than usual about the significance of this first date. A lot of people view it as a formality, because heck, they're already in love! Still others treat it too casually, "she's just a girl I met online." Both of those attitudes are fraught with potential issues. It's a first date. No matter how much you know about her, no matter how casually you are both feeling about this, IT'S A FIRST DATE.
Yes.
It is a big deal.
Whether you've been emailing and chatting for weeks, or just hooked up a few nights ago, it is a date and it is a big swutting deal.
Do:
Have plans for what you will do on the date.
Shave.
Wear a nice outfit.
And decent, clean shoes.
Have good breath.
Be clean but not overly perfumed.
Be on time.
Turn off your mobile phone.
Be polite.
Smile a lot.
Give her lots of eye contact.
Listen.
Really listen.
Compliment her.
Open doors for her.
Allow her to order first (if in a food ordering environment. or heck, in
any ordering environment let her go first).
Pay attention to her, and only her, no matter how little chemistry there is between you.
Offer to pay her way.
Yes really.
Touch her hand or arm, hold her hand, kiss her.
Do not:
Try a new hair style.
Show obvious surprise or distaste for her looks.
Hog the conversation. (it's not always about you, you know)
Get (or arrive) drunk.
Speak to her boobs.
Come onto her.
Have sex.
Those are the basic checklists. Here are the reasons and unique particulars to internet dating challenges.
Have plans for what to do on the date. You've emailed and/or talked, or at least read her profile, so you should have some idea of what she likes and what you have in common. Use that information. It's the internet's gift to you and your love life. This is what separates online dating from regular dating. It's the main reason people use online dating sites. It can eliminate a lot of misunderstandings. You both have the advantage of knowing quite a bit about each other, or enough to figure out a good first date that does not involve a movie. A sporting event, concert (though this is tricky - conversation can be difficult, so plan dinner before and/or drinks after), gallery opening, stroll through a museum...all viable options. More low key: Coffee, drinks after work, a meal at a restaurant offering a cuisine she may have mentioned in her profile. Use her profile. Glean something from it and form a date plan around it. Show her you care about her, and more importantly, that you have something in common. If you said you like modern art, and she likes museums, well, duh, connect the dots Einstein, and take her to the Museum of Modern Art. Or the contemporary wing of the local museum. Or the art history section of the library. See? This isn't rocket science.
The only thing is: No matter what you plan, be sure that it is in a very public place. This is for her safety and yours. You know you are not a serial killer or rapist, but she doesn't know that. And all her friends and family think any man she meets online is a serial killer or rapist. Deal with it. Make every effort to make her feel comfortable, that she has "an out" and control of her situation. It doesn't make you look defensive or weird, it makes you look thoughtful and aware. Aware that there are some very bad people out there. Aware that she has every right to be suspicious of you. Aware that she needs to feel that she can get out or get help if you turn out to be creepy. This is not the time to suggest that remote backwoods mountain hike. Or a movie marathon at your place. Or a reunion with your frat buddies. Or anywhere in your car. Yes, you can offer to pick her up, that's very nice of you, but for the first date, I personally prefer to meet somewhere neutral. Every woman I know feels the same way. And this is for your safety, too, you know. How well do you know her? Have you seen Monster?
Shave. Unless you've posted a photo of you in full beard, and she has affectionately begun calling you Grizzly Adams, and she claims to like facial hair, or at least not be turned off by it, for the love of Gillette, shave. I know, I know, you have a tough beard and if you shave every day you get razor burn. So time it so you shave the day of your date. Believe me, I know razor burn, and any given opportunity I will go a few days without shaving my legs, but this is a date, man, a date. SHAVE. I'll share some advice my father gave my brother, which are words to live by in our family: She might not notice that you shaved, but she will definitely notice if you do not. Yeah. My father is a smart man. And he got the girl. My mum. Who was not an easy girl to get. But he got her and has had her for a lot of years. He didn't get there by not shaving. You should listen to his advice. He knows what he's talking about.
Wear a nice outfit. Don't over dress or under dress. Girls appreciate it when a guy makes an effort with his clothes. But not too much effort. You should never dress better than we do. It's just The Rule. By the way, we can smell the mark of a former girlfriend's taste a mile away. Wear something nice, but something very "you." Ask your friend's wife or sister or that stylish girl who works down the hall if you're not sure. Would it kill you to buy a new shirt? I bet your date will have purchased at least one new thing for this date. I'm not saying this is a competition for the best/newest outfit, and you definitely want to emit "this is me" vibes from your appearance. But. On the first date us girls are probably torturing ourselves with some uncomfortable garment or another, and we like to think at the very least your new shirt feels a little stiff on you. Fair is fair. If you've posted photos of yourself in very casual attire, she was probably attracted to your laid back, casual attitude. That's great! So wear similar style clothing, but better. I know it sounds shallow, what difference does it make what you wear? You're right, it shouldn't matter. But. This is first impression time. Do you want that impression to be, "I care enough to put some thought and effort into my appearance" or "I don't give a swut what you think or how I look, I want to be comfortable." The choice is yours, but remember, when she goes home, Match.com will be there waiting for her, and so will hundreds of other men. Men who will bother to wear a nice or at least clean outfit.
And decent, clean shoes. Girls notice. Yes. We do. We notice and we care. Deal with it. You need a decent pair of non-sneaker shoes anyway. Hopefully you have a pair or two. They don't have to be expensive or trendy or uncomfortable. They just need to be clean and not sneakers. (Unless you're going on one of those sports/activity dates, in which case, sneakers are acceptable as long as they are clean and not ripped and worn out.)
Have good breath. Yes. Obviously there have been issues or I wouldn't mention it. Pop a mint or two in your mouth 10 minutes before meeting your date. Even if you just brushed, flossed and rinsed. Just do it. Gum? Well. I'm opposed to gum on a first date, and in general. But if you can manage the gum without chewing it noisily or noticeably, then go ahead. Remember, you want things to go well on this date. If they do, you might be kissing her. You do not want gum in your mouth if you're kissing her. Really. You don't. But you do want good breath. Mints man, pack mints.
Be clean but not overly perfumed. Take a shower before you leave to meet her. Use soap. Wash your hair. Use deodorant. Go easy on the aftershave or cologne. I know this sounds basic, but believe me, there are a lot of men for whom this basic stuff is apparently not so basic.
Be on time. Again, it seems like such a simple concept. So basic. And yet...(very heavy sigh of discontent) Sure. Things happen. I understand. We all understand. But this is a first date. What things are swutting more important than being on time for a first date? Okay. Yes. There are a few things more important. But having another beer with the guys before heading out is not one of them. Just be on time. Because if she's like me, she has adopted a 30 minute rule. If he doesn't show in 30 minutes, and she hasn't had a call on her mobile with an apology and very good reason why you're running late, she's outta there. She will block you from her email and screen your phone calls. She will listen to exactly one voicemail of apology. You've got one chance to make it up to her. One. So choose the words you leave on her voice mail wisely. Very wisely. And for the record, my 30 Minute Rule is 25 minutes longer than a lot of women's rules.
Turn off your mobile phone. Once you arrive and meet your date, you should not want to be interrupted by anyone. Maybe you're closing a big deal at work, or waiting to hear if your sister is going to get that long awaited brain transplant, or maybe you're the doctor performing the surgery. Then maybe this isn't the best time for a date, much less a first date. Maybe you should have considered this when you set the date. Maybe you should have chosen a time when you could give your date your undivided attention. Because this is it, this is your one chance to learn about her, and to show her what a swell guy you really are. Swell guys do not talk to people on their mobile phones on dates. They do not even check them to see if they have calls or messages. Also consider this: Most mobile phones have a "bail out" function. You hit a code and a few minutes later your phone rings. Voila! Instant, "Something suddenly came up" lie and you're outta that bad date. And while potentially very useful, remember, this function is not a secret. Pretty much everyone knows about it. So we're all suspicious of poignantly timed calls and subsequent "emergencies." Even if it's a bona fide emergency, on the surface, it's going to look very suspicious. If you're using the bail out function, also know, you're not fooling anyone. She knows. Better to just turn the thing off and tough out even the worst first date. It builds character. And will provide hours of entertainment in the retelling to your friends. And on your blog. And guess what? Her phone has the bail out function, too.
Be polite. Another obvious one. But apparently not so obvious. Say please and thank you. To everyone, not just your date. Do it sincerely, but not condescendingly. Tread carefully with charm. A little goes a long way. Wally Cleaver is a great guy. Eddie Haskell is not. Just pull out the manners your mother taught you to use and you should be okay. If she didn't teach you manners, pretend you are a diplomat in a foreign country and world peace hinges on how you behave.
Smile a lot. I know. Smile. Show her that great smile of yours. Let her see how that one tooth catches on your lip when grin that certain way. Brooding has it's place, some of us even went through a "brooding boys are really sexy phase." Most of us got over it really quickly when broody boys bored us to tears because they never smile at anything or anyone. Broody boys are apparently humorless. And women rate sense of humor as the number one quality they want in a man. You do the math. Smile once in a while. Even better, bonus points awarded: Smile approvingly at your date.
Give her lots of eye contact. This is what separates meeting online from meeting in person. You do not get to make eye contact online. For a lot of people this is an answer to a prayer. But a short-lived answer. Because sooner or later you are going to go on a date. And you Must. Make. Eye. Contact. It doesn't have to be deep, meaningful, penetrating, maybe a little too intense, okay that's creepy eye contact. Just meet her eyes when she is making a thoughtful statement. If there's a lull in the conversation, make eye contact and smile. Not that stupid goofy smile you idiot, a nice, "gee this is a little awkward I'm sorry I don't know what to say right now but I know my brain will catch up in a minute" smile. Trust me. She'll think it's cute. She might even blush and do that cute little coy face thing. Eye contact and smiles will take a man further than the wittiest remark or flashest car ever will.
Listen. Yes. Listen. With your mouth closed. (except for smiles of understanding or laughter at something she's said) Let her talk. About anything. Let her speak. Let her feel like you care about what she's saying.
Really listen. Hear what she's saying on the surface level, and be intuitive enough to figure out what she's thinking. If she's talking about basic, rudimentary things, the weather, Chilean sea bass, a shoe sale at Nordstrom, chances are she's making small talk. She's not feeling "engaged" in conversation with you. She's not interested. She's not letting you into her world. This is a signal for you to open up a bit. Tell her something meaningful about yourself (but don't drop huge emotional bombs - just something insightful only your good friends know about you) send a signal that you want to let her into your world, then maybe she'll open up and let you into hers. If she's still talking about the weather, sorry, she's simply not interested. If she's talking about work, her family, her friends, pre-war German abstract expressionism, she's interested. She wants you to know about her, her life, her interests. By talking about them she is inviting you into her world, offering you a place in it. She wants to talk about these things with you. She's giving you lots of information. Use it. This is your chance to shine. But you've got to listen. If you've read her profile carefully, you should be able to interject a factoid from her profile into the conversation. If she mentions visiting her parents next month, you could say, "You grew up in Newfoundland, right? Are your parents still up there?" Bonus points if you did a little research on Newfoundland and can add an intelligent question or thought about it into the conversation. "I read somewhere there are no snakes, skunks, deer, porcupines or groundhogs on the island of Newfoundland, is that really true?"
Compliment her. Don't overdo it, but just an occasional, "gosh, I never thought of it that way" comment or "wow, your eyes are the most amazing shade of green, those photos don't do them justice" (proving that you have given her eye contact) or something as simple as, "you look really great, I like that outfit on you," or "you are so clever, I tried to solve that puzzle three times and gave up." Try to stick to her wit, intelligence and insight, though toss in an occasional positive remark about her appearance. All other things being equal, those compliments will probably get you laid at some point. After the first date. Again, don't Eddie Haskell it. I don't recall Eddie ever getting laid. Just give her an occasional sincere compliment. Nothing sexual. This is not the time to wax poetic on the nature of her bum or size of her breasts. In fact, the less sexually oriented the compliments, the higher the likelihood of you getting laid. Girls are funny that way. We want you to respect us for something other than our bodies, and when you do, we give you our bodies. Don't ask why. Just accept it.
Open doors for her. Yes really. It may seem outmoded, old fashioned and down right silly, but do it. Go out of your way to do it. If it's a door, and she's walking, sliding, crawling, bending or in any way going through it, you beat her to it and open it for her. You do not make a big production out of this. You do not wear this deed as a badge of honor and chivalry and flaunt it. You just simply do it, as if you do it all the time without a second thought. As if it is first nature for you. The notable exception is the ladies' room door. Do not open this door for her or anyone else. Ever.
Allow her to order first (if in a food ordering environment. or heck, in any ordering environment let her go first). Hey. I know. But apparently a lot of guys were absent the day they taught this in manner school. Do not order for her. You are not Cary Grant or Maurice Chevalier.
Pay attention to her, and only her, no matter how little chemistry there is between you. You've met online. You have no way of knowing if there will be any real chemistry between you. It's a 50-50 gamble. You show up on time, give your best efforts, but you're gettin' nothin' on the chem-o-meter. And you can tell she's not really into you, either. It will happen. I promise. This will happen. And I'm sorry. It's a drag. We were all so hoping she might be The One. But she's not. So once again, this is the time to prove once and for all what a gentleman and all around swell guy you are. You tough out the date focusing on her. I don't care if Paris Hilton walks in naked and hands you a video camera and casts a wanton come hither look your direction. You are on a date. Good, bad or ugly, you are on a date. The very least you can do is bow out gracefully. Call it an early evening. She's probably not stupid, so she's probably wanting to get this over, too. Just be tactful and polite. It's very possible she has a friend or sister you would really like. If you part on good terms, if you're not a jerk, she just might set you up with her friend or sister. Her ringing endorsement will be: "There just wasn't any spark between us, but he was really nice, very polite, a great listener, a real gentleman. And he's got a great smile."
Offer to pay her way. Yes really. No matter what. If she's modern and/or just a nice person, she will pull out money, a sincere effort to pay her way. You can be gracious and let her pay her way, or you can politely smile, look deeply into her eyes and say, "no, really, I insist." and gently push her money back at her. If she is insistent, especially loudly insistent, well, she's a bit rude and maybe going a little overboard on the feminazi routine, but by all means let her pay her way. "Why should I pay her way?"" you ask. Because by paying her way, you are sending a very strong signal that you are viewing this as a date. Not that you expect bedroom action as compensation, but that this is not a friends each paying their own way thing, but a bona fide date. So when you select an activity for a first date, keep this in mind. Exceptions: If she's the one who initiated the date, and/or chose something a bit pricey, then she should pay. If the date goes badly and you both know it, you should each pay your own way. If this is the case, and she doesn't offer to pay her own way, well, be the bigger person, a gentleman, pay her way. I know, I know. It's wrong. But consider it major karma points. Consider yourself lucky to have gotten off so cheaply, some poor chump is going to end up stuck paying for her the rest of his life.
Do not show obvious surprise or distaste for her looks. Okay guys, here's the truth: We're not all models. We know competition is tough, we know there are a lot of women with better bodies, better hair, prettier faces than ours. We are very well aware of this. Advertising, Hollywood and every magazine in the world proves this to us every day. So we have posted the best photos we have of ourselves. Of course we're not going to show you a photo of our enormous bum or our nose at an unflattering angle, or what our hair really looks like when it rains. Of course not. We're going to show you our good qualities, the things we want you to see, the things we feel confident about. We will be honest about our physical characteristics on our profile. We will list our height accurately. We will choose the most appropriate color and style of our hair. We will tell you what color our eyes are. We will consider ourselves to be "height-weight proportionate" or "about average" because chances are this is accurate. But you guys have a very different opinion about what that means. Just to bring you down to reality I'll choose a well known scale: Cindy Crawford is not height-weight proportionate or about average. The media and Hollywood would have you guys believe that, but It's. Not. True. It's not even healthy.
Okay. So you show up for your date, and you see a woman who looks a lot like the photos of the girl you've already fallen in love with online. Except she's really tall, has a big bum and cankles. You told her you liked her smile, wit and intelligence. Well buster, now's the time to prove it. First of all, you knew she was tall, she listed her height as 5'11". What were you expecting? Secondly, so she's a little hippy or has a large rear end and cankles. Are these really "deal breakers?" Be careful how you answer.
Have you noticed your jeans are a bit snug around the belly lately? Do you think it might be because your belly is getting a bit soft? You know how the guys call you chicken legs? It's because your legs are skinny and not in a good way. I'm just reminding you that you are probably not exactly what she envisioned, either. But she does like your smile and your eyes and your wit and intelligence and your beer gut and skinny legs are not issues for her.
If she's completely, utterly, totally unrecognizable, a) are you sure it's her? and b) you've got a good case for dating fraud. But stick out the evening with as much grace and decorum as possible. Get past the initial "Hmmm, not what I was hoping..." feelings. Quickly. And concentrate on talking to her. Give her a reason to flash that smile you claim to love, or bat the lashes on those eyes you found so captivating online.
Do not try a new hairstyle. If you've posted photos of yourself with hair a few inches long, parted on the left side, this is not the day to go out and get a Clooney or try out that head stubble look that's all the rage. I met a guy online who's photos all portrayed him with dark roguishly tussled curls. He showed up with bleach tipped boy band hair. I didn't recognize him. He could have at least mentioned he'd changed his hairstyle. And no, I wasn't dating his hair, per se. But those roguishly tussled curls suggested to me that he was a bit, well, roguish. Rakish, even. Maybe foppish. The bleach tipped boy band hair said: "Cares too much about his hair, he has better highlights than I do, poor choice of style for any man over the age of 19, and is he gay?" Let's just say there was an adjustment period.
Do not hog the conversation. If you're a talker and she's a listener, that's okay. Just be sure you're not the one doing all the talking because she can't get a word in edgewise. Besides, if she's shy or not much of a talker, you should be trying to pull her out a little bit, give her plenty of openings, gently encourage her to talk, to open up a little bit. It might be difficult for her on a first date, a lot of people use online dating because they are very shy. They can open up online because of the relative anonymity. You should be able to figure out if this is the case. If she's written witty, clever, thoughtful emails, but you feel like you are coaxing words out of her in person, be patient. Help her. She's probably very shy. Or very nervous. Or very both. Hogging the conversation and especially hogging the conversation with sentences using only the pronouns I and me will not take this relationship anywhere but over.
Do not get (or arrive) drunk. Period. I rarely drink alcohol on a first date. I don't condemn people who do, and I'm not saying never. I have certainly been known to have a glass of wine on a first date. But. This is not the time to prove what a manly stud you are by way of how many shots you can pound, beers you can slam or scotches you can throw back. It's. Just. Not. Ever see The Days of Wine and Roses? No? Rent it. You will never drink on a date again. In fact, you may never drink again. I recently had a date where the guy showed up reeking of beer. I'm not saying he was drunk, I have no way to gauge his toxicity, but he'd obviously had a few beers before meeting me. Not only did he smell, he was in that "I've already had a few and I'm feeling good" state of mind when we first met. "Feeling good" in the sense that every other woman in the place looked good to him. He seemed to forget we were on a date.
Do not speak to her boobs. In fact, on the first date try to pretend she doesn't even have boobs. Unless you've exchanged naked photos, you probably are not sure what the boob situation is until you meet her in person. If she's offered the information (or a photo, Hefner help us I hope not, but, you know, whatever) she's probably proud of her boobs. Maybe she's even paid a lot of money for them. The first date is your chance to prove once and for all you really are a gentleman. Do not address her boobs. Even if she's wearing a dress or top cut down to here and they're spilling out all over your plate, ignore them. Eye contact. Lots of eye contact. Compliment her on her intelligence or eyes or something other than her boobs. Maybe this isn't difficult because it appears she has none, not even a hint of a boob. This is not the time to give her chest a penetrating or even surreptitious stare to discern if there's anything there, anything at all. Eye contact, man, eye contact.
Do not come onto her. Just don't. This is a first date. Do not come onto her. Do not come onto her. Do not come onto her. If things are going really, really well, if she's giving you all the positive signals, yes, kiss her goodnight. No tongue. Just a nice, leave her wanting more kiss goodnight. If. And only if. All. The. Signals. Are. There.
Do not have sex with that woman. Unless, and this is a huge unless, you have both established that you are just interested in having sex, a la one of those Jell-o shots and gettin' freaky in the hot tub scenes on Elimidate, do not have sex with that woman. Period.
Good luck men, be careful out there and remember to relax and have fun.
Thursday, March 25, 2004 Women, The Internet and You: Tips for Men Who Use Online Dating Sites, Part II
Last Friday I offered a few suggestions regarding online dating site profiles and emails. Tomorrow I will cover the First Date.
Today I will cover one area I left out last Friday.
Selecting a potential date from the thousands of online profiles.
At first blush, the big dating sites seem like a trout farm stocked and ready for easing fishing.
So many women! So many choices! All available! All having a hard time meeting men! It's better than a stocked trout farm, it's Sunday Brunch with nothing except dessert tables and Mimosas! (Well. That's what us girls think. You guys probably stick with the trout farm. Or: Better than free all you can eat Buffalo Wing night at Hooters.)
Apparently a lot of guys select an age range and that's it, their only criteria.
Still others don't get past the "I am a MAN seeking a WOMAN" question. They just leave it at that. Man. Seek. Woman. Details unimportant. So unimportant that they do their Man. Seek. Woman. search, scroll through the thousands of women who appear in their results, choose the ones who have photos and look attractive, don't bother to read their profiles and then send out form emails of introduction. Hundreds of them. Maybe thousands. Those are good odds, right? One of those women is bound to respond. Right? After all, you only need one fish to take the bait and you've got dinner.
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
Details are important. I'm not talking about blondes v. brunettes, or XX income v. YY income. Those details probably are not important. If they are important, I have to assume you're the type of person who bothers to conduct a highly refined and defined searches and you do not need any insight from me. Good for you.
The important details vary depending on your strong personal preferences, of course.
Let's start with age. Unless you really, truly are willing and happy to date someone 10 years older or younger than you, I mean really willing, keep your age range small and honest. A few years above and below your own. By willing, I mean willing in the sense that you have visualized yourself when you are 50 and she's 60, or you, aged 31, attending frat parties with your 21 year old coed, and you're okay with that visualization. Willing in the sense that some people are looking for a real relationship (more on that later) and when you say you like older/younger women, we assume you mean it, and everything "it" entails. Including the possibility of long term issues that arise from age differences greater than 6 years.
We'll take 30 as our example age. You're thinking, "hey, I like older women, they're more mature, they know what they want, they've developed their senses of style, humor and themselves. They've got their swut together." So you search for women between the ages of 28 and 40. Fair enough. (Very, very common age ranges from what I've seen, by the way) You narrow your other search criteria a bit and find a 39 year old woman who is everything you've ever dreamed of in a woman. Everything. You email. She's dubious, but takes you at your word that you like older women and emails you in return. You chat. You speak on the phone. Things are moving along really well. Age doesn't even come up any more. You meet. She's fabulous. You hit it off really well. You start dating. You're both really happy. Well. Except that she sometimes cracks jokes you don't get about the 70's and 80's. And she voted for Reagan. And her friends are all married and having children. And she wants to get married and have children, too. For you this is a "someday proposition." For her it's a "my clock is really ticking here" situation. It's a biological fact: She simply does not have time to date for a few years. A few months, tops, is all she's probably willing to invest. Especially with a 30 year old guy who only a few months ago started thinking he "might" like to settle down. Someday. Even if you are a 30 year old guy who wants to get married and have children right now, the unspoken pressures you will feel are enormous. Are you honestly up for that? Be honest with yourself. If she claims she does not want (or already has) children, that's a slightly different story, so we'll go down those paths.
She's 39. She has two children. How do you feel about that? Be honest. If the children are young, she won't be able to go out unless she can find a babysitter. Or the children will have to come with you. She is: Instant family. Are you ready and willing to be: Instant surrogate father?
She's 39. She says she does not want children. She probably means this. Because she thinks she's too old to start now, or, she just really doesn't want to have children. Great for you, because, heck, you're a 30 year old guy who only a few months ago started thinking he "might" like to settle down. Someday. And you are not ready for children, so, this'll be great! And maybe it will. But what about when your clock starts ticking? Yes, it happens to men, too. I've seen it. It's not pretty. It's 10 years from now, you're 40, your partner is 49. Your friends started having children a few years ago. You see the joy and fun children bring into the world and into a relationship. You love your partner. You want a baby. Now. Your partner is 49. And while it may be biologically possible, remember, she doesn't want children. I have seen this exact situation. It's a horrible thing.
Reverse all the above scenarios if you think you are willing and desirous of a 21 year old. Yes, everyone's different. There are young 40 year olds and old 40 year olds. There are young 21 year olds and old 21 year olds. Of course. And yes I'm taking this to an extreme, but I'm doing it to make you think about how important age criteria can be.
If you say you're eager and willing to date a wide range of women, great! Good for you for being so open minded. But now that that mind is open, fill it with considerations of her life and what she wants, too. Maybe you want to "try" dating older or younger women. Okay. Fair enough. But be very, very honest about it and be graceful and respectful of the woman who doesn't want to go any further than emails because she feels you are too young or too old for her.
I get an enormous amount of responses from "mature" men - I'm trying to be tactful here - these are men who are 15+ years older than me. Mostly +. And not that I would rule out such a pairing, I know it can work, and some of them seem to be really great guys. But we're in very, very different places in our lives. We've had extremely different historical and sociological experiences (which can be a very good thing but wrought with misunderstandings) and frankly, I am not interested in being an older man's "post divorce 'hot young' date to get back at his ex wife for sleeping with the tennis pro at the club." Nor am I interested in dating a man who is scouting out retirement property. I know that might sound very shallow, but I'm trying to find a life partner, someone who I can grow old with, share life, laughs and maybe children and a home in the country. Someone who will support my career goals and needs, and not in terms of supplemental retirement income for him. I am very open about this on my profile. Many of these men have already grown old, had a life, children and a home in the country. Some have sons closer to my age. No, you can't blame a guy for trying, but...
Which leads me to the next point of important search criteria: Wants/has children.
It's very, very important to be very, very honest with yourself and potential dates about this. Even if you are not looking for a serious relationship and think it doesn't matter because you just want some dates, casual stuff, it is positively crucial to list your feelings about this. Because if you say you want children, any woman you date is going to think you mean that. And even if she's only in it for dating, just a casual thing, too, the possibility of those dates, that casual thing becoming The Real Thing is actually quite great. And/or, if you say you don't want children because you don't want children right now, or with her, she is not going to take you seriously in terms of long term potential. And maybe you don't care. Maybe that's exactly how you want it. That's cool. But respect and understand when she doesn't want to date you because she Wants More. Plus, it just makes things easier on everyone if this is right out in the open, right up front, right at first. It is a big deal and should be required search criteria. Period.
Location. Location. Location.
Ah yes. You'll go anywhere for the right one. You probably mean that. Or you think you do. Until you actually have to face the reverse commute from Barrington just to meet for drinks after work. Sitting in bumper to bumper traffic, the highway like a parking lot, minutes dragging into hours, for a date, you begin to do the math: Get there in an hour (hopefully) have dinner: Two hours, walk on the Lakefront: One hour. Take her home: 20 minutes but parking in her neighborhood is impossible, so you just double park and drop her at her door. Get back on the highway, get home, it's now 1:30 AM. Even if you hadn't taken that walk on the Lakefront, you'd still be rolling in at 12:30 AM. And you didn't even have sex. Because you couldn't find a parking place. Or because you live and work in the suburbs and that morning commute, had you stayed over, would have been a nightmare.
But you'll go anywhere for the right one. Right?
Wrong.
I've been through this. A lot. Most of you won't understand this, so you'll just have to believe me: It was easier dating HWNMNBS who lived in another country and an 8 hour plane trip away than it is to date a guy in the local suburbs. And yes, that's Chicago, but I've had many conversations with other people in other cities about this. It's a universal theme. City v. suburbs/country. To suburban people, the lure of a city based partner is fascinating. All those endless possibilities of things to do! All those great restaurants! The sporting events! The museums! The shopping! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! It's a blast here in the city! It's also: Expensive, crowded, and difficult to park! One of my far suburban based dates summed it up thusly: Every date (with a girl in the city) is like going on vacation. Gassing up the car, packing an overnight bag (just in case), traffic, a lot of time in the car, a few hours of fun, a lot of money spent, and then back home again, tired, broke and a lot of miles on the odometer.
Maybe you live in a city where public transportation is an option. That helps. But are you really willing to live your life around a train schedule? Be honest. I always try to figure out a way to meet somewhere inbetween so we're both "inconvenienced" equally. And this works at first. But unless you want your relationship to blossom and flower at places convenient to train stops and highway exits (Greek diners and second rate (at best) Econolodges) sooner or later one or both of you is going to have to "go all the way." Either suburban or city. Or North side to South side. Whatever. If there are more than 15 miles between you, factor in the travel time.
Why was HWNMNBS easier, you are still wondering. Because we knew we were going to be apart, and we knew when we were going to be together.
Apart.
Together.
Sure the 8 hour plane commute was a drag, but honestly? It took me nearly three hours on a: CTA Train, a Metra Train and a bus to get to a Bennigan's, a swutting Bennigan's to meet a date who lived in a suburb, to have an hour and a half date because I had to catch the train back and he had to drive at least an hour home, maybe more because it had begun to rain. Had I driven it would have been equally as bad except for having to live by the train schedule. I kid you not, the Comfort Inn across the street was looking pretty good to me. It was at that precise moment I realized: This is a joke. At least when I flew 8 hours to HWNMNBS I was in England and had a date which lasted at least a few days. I travelled almost three hours to a suburb to have a watered down drink and a stale salad, a quick hi-how-are-you-how-was-your-day date with a guy who was tired and cranky from the bad traffic and long drive, and then travelled two hours home. Almost five hours travel time for a crappy dinner with a guy I was just getting to know who was in a bad mood because of the traffic and time it took to meet. What if we had hit it off? The Comfort Inn across the street?
I think not.
More road time.
It better be really worth it for both of us. So worth it that we're so in love the time and distances don't matter, so worth it that we know this is temporary and soon one of us will be moving closer to the other, if not in with the other. Sure there is gray area inbetween all of this, but when you say you'll travel to date, you swutting well better mean it. If you're the one initiating the online communication, you should be the one willing to travel. You're the one who saw where she lives and decided to contact her. If you don't want to or cannot deal with the fact that it's a painful commute to get to her, perhaps she's not the one for you. You cannot contact a person who lives more than 15 miles away from you and expect them to come to you. Maybe, like me, they will be happy to compromise and meet halfway. But that's her call, not yours. She can decide she will go no further than the corner pub to meet you if she wants, after all, she's not the one who found a guy 25 miles away and contacted him. If you contact someone, no matter how far away, you must be willing to travel to her. And not complain about it when you arrive. Period. You initiated this, you knew what the distances and logistics involved, so you assumed the responsibility. Period.
Looking for... Casual dating, long term relationship, marriage
Very, very important. This tells you where she is in her life and what she's hoping to find in this whole online dating thing. If she says she wants a long term relationship or marriage, believe her. If you are only looking for casual dating and/or have committment issues (I'm not judging) she's probably not the girl for you right now. She's been very honest about what she's looking for in a man or relationship, what she wants, you owe her the respect to leave her alone if you are not willing or capable of a long term relationship or marriage.
The opposite is true, as well. Maybe you want to settle down and get married. Now. Or at least want a long term committed relationship. If she says she wants casual dating, believe her. Do not think you "will be the one" to tame her. It's nothing personal, she's just not interested in settling down with one guy right now. There can be lots of reasons for this, but they're not important and have nothing to do with you. If you are willing to go out on a date or two with no deeper hopes or underlying intentions, contact her. She's probably a lot of fun. But don't pressure her for more when she's very clearly stated she's not looking for more.
Smoking or non?
This seems so obvious. If you smoke, anything, be honest about it. If they say they do not want to date a smoker, believe them. Do not say (or think) "I won't smoke around her" or "I'll quit for the right one" Just move along. Find a date who smokes or at least doesn't mind if you do. I've had three dates who, on their online profiles claimed to be non-smokers, but then lit up while on the first date. This has happened to me in the past, too. I'm not going to get into a "why smoking is gross" rant. Just believe her when she says she does not want to date a smoker. Believe her and do not bother contacting her. If all indications are that you are soul mates apart from this one thing, and you really can and are willing to quit, and will never, ever smoke around her (because you will have quit) maybe, maybe you can send her an email explaining, apologetically, that yes, you smoke, but she's so wonderful in every way that you've already started The Patch, seen a hypnotist and followed the American Lung Association's guide to quitting and will be an official non-smoker by the time you go on your first date. But even then I would strongly caution you to examine a few deeper issues.
Smokers and non-smokers are very, very different personalities. Most non-smokers are very much anti-smoking, and health conscious in other aspects, too. They probably exercise and don't eat a lot of fried food, either (these are demographic facts). Smokers are often, oddly, health conscious in some other areas, but generally not in the areas of food. If you smoke, and eat fried food, and don't get a lot of exercise, no matter how much you have in common with that non-smoking, jogging vegan, at some point your life-styles are going to clash. You probably don't mind, perhaps even enjoy, going to smoke filled bars and clubs. She will see it as nothing shy of torture. There are also basic health aspects: Asthma is on the rise. I have asthma. Smoke aggravates it badly. That cigarette you enjoy after dinner could send me into a wheezing, coughing, gasping for air attack. I'm not kidding. Not exactly me at my sexiest. To say nothing of making me feel really awful and potentially risking my ability to breathe. When I know I'm going to a club or concert, I dose up on my medication beforehand, and have my inhaler ready "just in case." I don't want to have to do this when I go on a date. Besides, that medication makes me sleepy and not very vivacious. If I've taken it, the only thing I'm doing later is sleeping. Alone. When it comes to smoking: Stick to your own kind. Period.
Religion
Big one. A really big one. If it's important to you, by God, you better list this as a key search criteria. If you're Catholic, and you know you really want to settle down with a Catholic girl, you've got no business contacting a Jewish/Hindu/Athiest/whatever girl. Period. People do not arbitrarily choose a religion on dating sites. They just don't. People might lie or fudge about a lot of things on dating sites, but religion generally isn't one of them. If she says she's an athiest, she probably is. Take her declaration at face value. Do not see her as a challenge or a prospective convert or soul to save. If you cannot respect her religious views, leave her alone.
Physical Attributes
If you absolutely positively will not even consider a woman who is anything other than a slim, petite, blonde or Asian, with big boobs, then yes, narrow your criteria to include these factors. Because if you are repulsed or (more likely) intimidated by women over 5'7", or with average or a few extra pounds, or are brunette (but not Asian) you probably shouldn't even consider dating outside your comfort zone.
Of course we all have our "wish list" of physical attributes, of course we do. We're human. And if your search results show that she's a tall brunette and you strongly prefer petite blondes, just move along. You risk hurting her by not being honest with yourself and her about your physical desires. She will notice when every petite blonde who walks by catches your eye. This will hurt her. If it goes on too long she will begin to feel inadequate and will either dump your shallow sorry arse or will collapse into insecurity issues which will really ruin an otherwise great relationship. "That's her problem!" you exclaim, "I don't want someone who is that insecure anyway!"
Hear me, please listen to me. Even the most confident, self assured woman has inner insecurities when it comes to our bodies and men. We have very deep seeded needs to be accepted by the man to whom we pledge our affections. If we feel we fall short of his needs in any way, we get anxious about it. And you ogling every petite blonde who walks by, no matter how "innocent" it is, really, really hurts us. It's a slap on our inner psyche. "Oh sure," we tell ourselves, "he likes that I'm intelligent and witty and kind and 'have a pretty face' but I'm not blonde and I'm tall and so he's not fully satisfied with me. Maybe I could get highlights, but there's nothing I can do about my height..."
And for the last time: If she asks you if her bum looks big in those jeans, tell her emphatically, "No! I love your arse in those jeans!" Even if she's got so much junk in the trunk there's no room for jumper cables, if you care about this woman, if her confidence and security in your relationship is important to you, tell her she looks great in those goddam jeans. Men: We know what our bums look like. We are very, very aware of our figure "flaws." erm, "challenges." If we ask you about any aspect of our body, we are feeling insecure and need reassurance. If you care about us, give us that reassurance. "But I'm honest! I don't believe in lying! I still love her anyway, I'm getting used to her saddlebags, but I shouldn't lie to her about it! Don't you women want an honest opinion?!" you yell back at me. Trust me. If you truly do not care that she's less than centerfold figured: Lie to her. Convincingly. Sincerely.
Whoa.Where'd that come from. Sorry.
There are other criteria that may seem inconsequential, and in many cases may be completely unimportant. But I have to mention a few of them.
Daily diet
If she's a vegetarian or vegan (vegan means: consumes no animal or any animal by product (milk, eggs, cheese...) and many also ascribe to a gluten free diet). Most vegans and many vegetarians also refuse to wear an animal product, and yes, that includes leather and wool. If you're okay with this, continue on, pursue her. But again, be honest. Painfully honest. Are you really okay with this? If you're a meat and potatoes kind of guy, if you "need" a huge hunk of animal on your plate do you understand and realize this might not only offend her but make her physically ill? Even if she's not "militant" about her dietary preferences, do you really understand vegetarian means nothing with a mother? Including fish and poultry? If you love taking dates to Smith and Wollensky she might not be the girl for you.
And maybe she is, maybe she's easy going and laid back about it, agrees to go to the carnivore palace with you and orders a salad because she views her dietary choice as just that, a personal choice and doesn't let it get in the way of a date or potential relationship. But realize she's not going on the date because of the great food - she's going on the date because she likes you. Understand that and be appropriately flattered and respectful. If you are not capable of comprehending dietary choices other than your own, do not contact women outside your own food preferences.
I know it seems like a small thing, inconsequential, but, it can be a huge deal. Perhaps not at first, but, if the relationship grows, day in day out you are going to have to deal with her dietary choice. You don't personally have to walk the walk to talk the talk, but by association you're going to have to accommodate her choices. Going on a road trip? You might be a McDonald's kind of guy. She's probably a "pack my own snacks" kind of girl. Holiday at your parents'? Are you comfortable explaining to your family that your date is a vegetarian or vegan and that she will not be eating most of what's on the table? Quiet night in with a movie and pizza? Hold the pepperoni and cheese...If you can't see yourself sincerely understanding and respecting her choices, do not pursue her.
Food is very similar to religion. If a person doesn't eat a certain thing, it's based on very personal reasons and choices. Deal with it and respect it. Don't try to convert them. Don't badger them about why they choose their diet. Don't argue that they are "wrong." Don't tell them they're stupid or going against the natural order of things. (all things I have been told, by the way)
The Truth about Cats and Dogs
There are cat people and there are dog people. Cat people are generally animal people, people who like and respect all animals, including dogs. Dog people are generally dog people. They like dogs. Be honest about your pet preferences. If you hate cats and she has one or two or three or 25, she's probably not the girl for you. Yes, maybe you will change, but it's a big risk. I dated a guy who claimed to not like cats. "Well. I have a cat." I didn't labor the issue, but it was out there. He liked me so he allowed my cat in the same room with him. In quick time he was won over (with no coaxing by me) and he now lives with three cats and volunteers at a cat shelter. It can and does happen. But it's rare and unusual and a gamble. (as an aside, this relationship ended because he did not want children, I did, we were both very up front and honest about it, and years later we're very good friends, which is the best possible solution)
And then there are exotic pets. If you have them, you must understand people, especially women, might not share your enthusiasm for watching the food chain being played out in your living room as you feed your snake live mice. If this is your thing understand if she says she doesn't like exotic pets she's going to have a hard time getting past this aspect of your personality.
And now for the difficult subject Ethnicity
If you like all women, accept all races and cultures as potential dates and mates, GREAT! And if you are accepting of all races and cultures, but you discover on her profile that she has checked specific ethnicities which do not include yours, leave her alone. This is not always an easy decision, so respect her choice. And if you do have very specific ethnicities in mind, if you really know, deep down, you want to settle down (or date) a particular ethnicity, select that preference and stay within those confines. This is not the time for a multi-cultural experiment.
So you've checked off all the search items which are important to you. And you've now got a group of women who meet your criteria. Great! "Let's get busy!" you exclaim
Easy there boy. Not so fast.
Take a look at what she wants. Do you match her criteria? If she says she wants a man 5'8" - 6'4", with an athletic build, a PhD who earns more than $100,000, is turned off by facial hair, piercings, long hair and tattoos, does not like exotic pets and is a Muslim, chances are the facts that you are 5'6", carry a few extra pounds, ascribe to a shaving optional lifestyle, haven't had a haircut in the past 8 months or more, have a tattoo, and a few piercings, dropped out of vocational school, are currently between jobs, live with your parents, have a Kimoto dragon and are Jewish, she's not going to be interested in you. Deal with it. This isn't rejection - she doesn't even know you exist.
Keep it that way.
All of this goes for your own specifics, too. If you want Miss Wonderful to find you in her searches, you need to list your specifics. Honest answers. "Any" or "none specified" or "no answer" are not acceptable. Sure, you will show up in more searches, get more "hits" but the vagueries on your profile can and will inevitably lead to misunderstandings or out and out arguments. "I didn't know you smoked! Why didn't you say you smoked on your profile?" or "What do you mean you're Catholic and won't marry outside your religion? Why didn't you mention that in your profile?"
For further fine tuned searching, if your online dating site offers more in-depth personality profile opportunities, do it! Take the time to take the "personality analysis" or "self assessment" and use it when searching for dates.
I didn't do this at first, thought it was a lot of malarchy. But then I decided to round out my profile with the in-depth analysis. Guess what? I was wrong in thinking it was a bunch of unprofessional psycho crap. So far, of the men I've dated who have also done their personality analysis, our compatibilities/incompatibilities have been absolutely spot on. For instance, one recent date fell outside "my ideal" in terms of "focus." And I was very far out of his ideal.
My analysis lands me dead center in all categories. I am still a bit bothered by the fact that I am squarely very, very middle of the road on all counts. Shy or outgoing? Smack in the middle. Focused on feelings and relationships or focused on thinking and facts? Dead center. Always go with the flow or organized and on time? You guessed it, right down the exact middle. This made me feel wishy washy at first, but I knew it to be true. Sometimes I am a little shy, other times I am very outgoing. Sometimes I am very focused on feelings, other times i just want the facts, don't bother me with what you feel, give me the stats and demographs! I can be very spontaneous, but I hate being late to an organized event. What a friend calmly reminded me is all this means is that I am even keeled. I am flexible. I have a good sense of propriety. I am not an extreme personality. That's actually a good thing. Whew.
Take my suburban journey as an example. The personality compatibility chart showed me he is very strongly organized and on time. So much so that he is way out of "my ideal" zone. Barely on the chart. So the whole travel thing, the fact that he has to drive to meet me - could be a huge challenge for us. He has a strong need to be on time. There are going to be factors, major factors, like traffic and trains, that will impede his ability to "always be on time" with any get together we might have. This will annoy the crap out of him. And it did. He was in a horrible mood once he finally got to our rendezvous.
Since I only recently added my self assessment, I decided to go back and "test" previous dates to see if they were in or out of my ideal zones, and I theirs. One guy turned out to be very focused on thinking and facts. While I fell firmly in his "wants in a partner" zone, he was nowhere near my "wants in a partner" zone. This explains our less than ideal date. I thought he didn't seem to have much enthusiasm for much of anything - just not very passionate, or even capable of being passionate. Now that I see he's very much on the "focused on thinking and facts" side of the chart, this makes complete sense. Interestingly, his assessment shows he wants/needs somewhat on the "more focused on feelings and relationships" side of the chart, or at least in the middle (me). I hope he finds her. The thing is, for someone like me, middle of the road who is able and needs to focus on feelings from time to time, Mr. Just The Facts Ma'am will at times drive me nuts with his lack of focus on emotions. Some will argue this is exactly the sort of person I might need. Someone a little less emotional, a little less volatile. A little more emotionally stable and steady. Yes. True enough. But I like to see a little passion about something, anything now and then.
This less than favorable first date could have been avoided had I already completed my personality assessment and we had run the match to see if we were in each other's zones. No, I wouldn't rule out dating someone not in my zones, but forewarned is forearmed. If you know your date is firmly in the organized and on time side of the chart, do not show up late for the date. If she's a go with the flow kind of girl, don't be surprised if she shows up late but with a story of what happened on her way to the date: Because she went with the flow and got swept up in an adventure. Bottom line: Take the in depth personality assessments, and use them as a search tool. If she's not in your zones, or you in hers, you might want to move along to the next one.
