Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.
Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.
Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)
Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)
Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains
Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away
Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains
A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right
Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains
Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero
Thursday, November 30, 2006
High seas adventure, looting, killing, stealing, raping, wenches, yo ho ho and a bottle of rum, why yes, it is the pirate life for you? Well, swash your buckle over to CBS and sign up for their latest casting call.
The screening process is rigorous. You have to choose between Long John Silver, Darth Vader, Luke Skywalker, The Lone Ranger and Batman and Robin as characters to whom you relate. Um. Batman and Robin are one character? This must be a trick question. Maybe they're trying to figure out if an applicant has multiple personality disorder. And why two Star Wars characters? Is there a Star Wars pirate fantasy connection? Do Star Wars geeks also tend to fancy themselves as pirates? I find it interesting there's no mention of Captain Jack Sparrow as an identifiable character for an applicant to a pirate themed reality show. I'm guessing there are a lot of men who watch Mr. Depp and think, "Hey! I could do that! I wish I had that role! I'm exactly like John Depp!"
You also have to list your skill level in: Swimming, Follwing Maps, Sailing, Fishing and Trekking.
And your pirate name. Yes. You have to list your pirate name.Though they're generously allowing applicants to "make one up," you know, just in case you haven't actually been given a pirate name thus far in your life. What concerns me is that I am quite certain there are people who do have a pirate name.
Well, thar she blows, shiver ye timbers and knock ye selves out, I'm off to walk the plank.
8:53 AM
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
I like words. A lot of words are in my head. Most of them serve a purpose. Most of them are good. Some of them are funny. Some of them are crude. Some of them are spelled weird. Some of them sound weird. I am assaulted by thousands of them every day. I don’t like all of them. In fact I don’t like quite a lot of them. Some of them are vulgar or mean. But they serve a purpose and have a place in vocabulary – not to be written or spoken, but to be understood so that when I read or hear those words I know the person who wrote or spoke them is probably someone I want to avoid. Communication rocks.
But. Never, ever, does that word occupy space in my head. And I don’t think I’m too unusual in that regard. At least I’ve always given the benefit of doubt to most other people in that regard.
Which is why I’ve never understood why it’s “okay” for some people to use the word. I have firmly maintained that it’s never okay to use that word. It bothers me when anyone uses it. Not in a shock value kind of bother. Not in a humorous kind of bother. Not in a “this makes me uncomfortable in my white skin” kind of bother. In a “this is offensive and degrading and completely inappropriate” kind of bother.
But then again I am a white girl from the suburbs. I was raised and taught to understand why the “N” word is profanity most foul, even worse than the “F” word. Because rather than being offensive and crude to everyone, the “N” word offends and denigrates specific people for a specific reasons. Anyone who uses the word is perpetuating wrong, hurtful and disgusting slander against every person of that race, past and present. It’s a vile, vulgar, sickening word.
And now, thanks to Michael Richards, “we” have been given our vocabulary marching orders from Jesse Jackson. No more use of the “N” word.
I’m hoping, really, deeply hoping Jesse’s plea reaches the right ears because I’ve been suffering in silence over this issue for quite a while. Well, not total silence, I've talked about it with my friends who happen to be of the race at the butt of the offensive word, and they hate it, too. So I've been confused as to exactly who thinks it's "okay" and even "funny" or "artistic" to use it and hear it. I have heard the arguments, been to the stand-up comedians’ shows, listened to the lyrics, tried to get my mind around the “cultural justification” of it and come up empty every time. I finally assumed it’s because I’m a nice white girl from the suburbs with deeply entrenched beliefs about that word and why it’s so awful and therefore I can never understand why “sometimes” it’s “okay” for certain people to use it. So I’m hugely relieved that there’s a public plea from Jesse regarding use of the word.
Unfortunately there’s a big opportunity missed, though. As long as we’re teaching ethics, etiquette and cultural awareness, and modifying behaviors, Jesse could have banned a few other words, too.
Since Jesse’s a man maybe it simply didn’t occur to him that a few other offensive words are often bandied about by comedians and rappers.
Or maybe it’s okay to offend an entire gender of people as long as you keep the racial slander out of it.
I’m hoping Michael Richards has another anger management meltdown and calls women bitches and ‘hos. Then he can go to the person in charge of women and apologize and then a public plea can be made to stop using those terms, too.
I’m not sure who’s in charge of us women. I guess it’s probably Gloria Steinem. But for all her feminist groundwork I’ve felt she’s a bit out of touch with those of us gals a few generations under her shadow. Hmmm. Now that I give it some thought, I don’t know who Michael Richards would use to send his message of apology if he were to publicly offend women. Hilary Clinton? I hope not. Oprah!? Noprah. Rosie? Madonna? Tyra? No. No. No. Huh. I’m a woman and I have absolutely no idea who our public “voice” is.
So I’ll pick up the slack left by Jesse and start the request on behalf of my gender. No more “N” word. Check. Rock on and roger that.
And.
Boys? Fellas? Guys? Dudes? Strike these from your vocabulary, too:
No more “B” word. No more “’Ho” word.
Most of us are not bitches and very few of us are whores. There’s no humor, nothing cute, nothing except degradation and disrespect in those words. I know, I know, those girls in the videos on BET don’t seem to mind, but they should. I’m sure they won’t mind if those words are no longer in the vernacular. I know, I know, Paris and Nicole perpetuated the “affectionate” use of the “B” word. Right. I think I’ve just made my point with that sentence.
We’re all clear on this, now, right? No “N” word. No “B” word. No “’Ho” word.
Oh. And. No more ending sentences with at.
9:29 AM
Monday, November 13, 2006
Apparently my phone doesn't work. I say apparently because it's yet to be determined whether or not my phone is, um, working. Or not.
Confused?
Yeah. Me, too.
Seems like a yes or no situation. The phone works or it doesn’t. Elementary riddle. No dial tone + calls to my phone number met with a constant busy signal = phone line problem.
Oh, us poor, naive, misguided simpletons.
We can put a man on the moon, send a rover to Mars, even, heck, American Idol can have five television ratings record years, and yet, still, mind-melting talking-in-circles-which-defy-logic conversations with the phone company are the same hassle now as they were 130 years ago.
"Mr. Watson, come here, I want you."
"No. I'm not coming in there. It's not my problem. I ran a test and the problem is on your end. I'm not responsible for damage or repairs to anything on your end. Your phone, your problem. Is there anything else I can assist you with today? Thank you for choosing AT&T"
I have a love/hate relationship with telephones. I've spent my adult life paying what I consider to be astronomically high phone bills because of far flung family, friends and long distance relationships. I know all the rate plans, the pros and cons and have learned to negotiate per minute rates the way a savvy broker negotiates stock options. And yet, considering the technology is old, really, apart from mobile and VOIP, in-home telephone technology hasn't changed much over the past 50 - 60 years, I, we, pay a lot of money every month for a service which is old.
Oh, I'm sure there have been advancements, stuff talked about in awed and hushed reverent tones at the telephony conventions, but for us basic home consumers, not really much new to report.
To wit: My compartment building was built in the early '50s. The phone wiring and main incoming console equipment area is original. Meaning: Little, if anything, has been done to "improve" phone lines and service to the individual lines to the compartments in my building. Given that it's over 50 years old it's a safe and fair assumption the phone company has actualized their investment many times over their original installation costs. Oh sure, repairs, maintenance, some wiring updates now and then, but even with skilled labor fees there's no way they aren't making a load of money on a monthly basis on the phone charges for my building alone. Multiply that to all the other telephone consumer across the country and you've got: A scam. a racket.
I understand some usage fees. Sure, I get that. I mean, upkeep and maintenance and those fine educated and polite service call center reps take money to maintain.
I have to have a land line. My building is old and the walls are thick and I have an interior compartment. A mobile signal in my building is a rare and suspicious thing. On the rare occasions I can get a cell signal inside my compartment the calls are typically dropped or lost within a minute or two. Unless I stand on one leg with my arm out the window. At 10 PM on nights with a full Moon and a gentle Northwesterly breeze.
And I don't have cable.
So I need a phone line for internet connectivity.
Right. So. I need the phone company. I need a land line. And yes, sure, it's "worth" something, a monthly fee. I'm not sure it's worth $49.85/month, but, that's what I pay. Much of that is state and local taxes. I ♥ Mayor Daley sooooooo much! Residents of Illinois/Cook county are privileged to pay the following in addition to their Federal and phone company fees and taxes:
9-1-1 Emergency System Billed for Chicago $1.25 State Infrastructure Maintenance Fee $.10 State Additional Charges $.01 ”Additional Charges.” Just: “Additional Charges.” I’d like to see how far I get with that term in my budget reports at work or on my income taxes. Infrastructure Maintenance Credit $.79 CR I dunno. Seriously. I have no idea. But it’s a credit so hey, I’m keeping my mouth shut. Federal Universal Service Fee $.44 ”Universal Service.” What the...? Talk about a catch-all encompassing term. “Universal Service.” Universal Service. Remember that. Universal. IL Universal Service Fee $.03 Ahhh, and here we see that “Universal Service” fee again, this time a charge from the state of Illinois. Um. Not to split too many hairs over syntax, but, um, shouldn’t one “Universal” Service fee take care of well, the universe? IL Telecom Relay Svc and Eqp $.08 I dunno. Something about relay services and equipment. Probably the equipment and services needed to relay the state “Universal Service” to the Federal “Universal Service.”
Taxes Federal at 3% Illinois at 7% Municipal Telecommunications Tax $1.45
So shrewd those phone companies and their lobbyists. (Yeah, I’m on a lobbyist bashing kick lately.) They have a percent tax instead of a flat usage tax. This annoys me. In fact it pisses me off in a big way. First of all that they’re taxing a service for which we already pay a premium, a service using equipment and technology which is old. Secondly, um, secondly, yeah, what was my point? Oh yeah, why do we pay tax on telephone service? Why? Why do state, local and federal agencies get a cut, quite a large cut, of our money every time we pick up the telephone? Usage fees to the phone company? Yes. I can fully understand having to pay something to the phone company to maintain and sustain the phone system and equipment. I’m not that naïve or selfish. But why is it taxed? Why does 10% + $1.45 of every conversation I have on the telephone go to state and federal government agencies? Every time you order take-out or call your mother or use a phone line to connect to the internet, and this is the one that really burns me up, every time you call the phone company to request service or repair and are put on hold for 25 minutes, the toll for that call is being taxed and sent off to the state and national capitals.
Ever wonder why the phone company has that super involved automated phone directory which in the end dumps you in a queue for a live operator? (“If your phone is not working and you’ve taken three buses and a train to find a pay phone, press 3 now. If your phone is not working and you’re calling from your mobile phone while standing outside in a hail storm, press 4 now...”) Ever wonder why they don’t just put you in that queue in the first place? Ever wonder why you have to “confirm” your phone number, address and name information when you’ve already entered it during the automated portion of the call and then sit on hold while the service operator “verifies” the information? Call me a paranoid conspirist, but, the fact is: The longer you’re on the call, the more tax money you send to your state and federal government. An extra minute on that phone call equals extra tax revenue. That’s a black and white fact. It may be merely a coincidence most calls to the phone company for repair or billing questions require a 20 - 45 minute call when the nuts and bolts of the conversations actually only takes 5 minutes. Or it could be part of a government/phone company ruse to rake in some tax money from a captive and desperate consumer is more difficult to prove...
So, yeah. Phone. Gotta have one, gotta pay for it, gotta pay the taxes on the service. I think we're all paying waaaaaay too much for something which should be and could easily be free. It's not like gas or electric or water - there aren't commodities being cultivated, bought, refined and consumed. I know, I know, phone lines and the usage of lines takes electricity and all sorts of magical wiring. I know. I read Harry Potter, magic's not easy.
So I bend over and let the phone company have their way with me every month. I pay the phone bill and try to put it out of mind until the next month when I'm required to perform for the phone company. Wanna talk to your mother on a phone from which she can understand you and doesn't randomly drop the call while you're telling her you love her? Gotta have a land line. Wanna use DSL service because you’re too poor to afford cable? Gotta have a land line.
Fine. Okay.
But when that land line fails we should expect to be treated with respect and prompt service, right? I mean, we are customers. We do pay for this service and in doing so we have a right to courteous and prompt service.
Silly, silly, silly Trillian.
There’s money in those calls! There’s tax revenue to be made on those calls.
So, you discover your phone's not working.
What do you do?! Your parents could be trying to call with a real emergency or that cute guy from the bar you went to five months ago could finally call or you could slip and fall in the bathroom and need to call 9-1-1 or you might need sesame ginger tofu and hot and sour soup ASAP! You panic because you need your phone! And it's not working! There's no dial tone! It's just, it's just dead!
It's one of the loneliest non-sound sounds. My theory is that space sounds like a non-working telephone. I think it's the expectation of noise and the subsequent absence which is so disconcerting. It always comes back to expectations. You expect to hear a dial tone and when you don't those synapses your cognative brain sends to the audio nerve box make you think you're hearing something because you've always heard something in the past when you picked up the phone. And maybe you are hearing something, but, it's probably nothing. You reason that even if there's no dial tone there must be something else coming down that line, a telephone line can't transmit nothing so you stand there listening, thinking any second you'll hear a crackle and then a dial tone. But nothing happens. Nothing. You just stand there pushing your ear closer to the phone thinking you hear something. I always expect to suddenly overhear the chatter in the service center at the phone company, service reps talking about their lunch or laughing at "stupid" customers who've called with "problems" and how funny it was when they yelled at them and made them believe it was their phone or wall jack that was the problem and not the phone line or the phone company and all the toll and tax money they made on that call. I've yet to have this happen, but once when my phone line was in disrepair I heard a far, far away one sided conversation about the Super Bowl.
I discovered my phone wasn’t working properly during a conversation with my mother. My phone just stopped working right in the middle of my mother’s conversation. They cut off my mother. My mother for crying out loud. Is nothing sacred? Nope. Not to the phone company. And hey, accidents happen, problems occur. I understand.
And at first I blamed my telephone. I thought the battery needed charging. Yes. So well trained by the phone company am I that my first reaction is to assume the problem is my fault. My phone. I blamed myself.
So I set the phone in the charger and: Nothing. I plugged in an old corded phone to the wall jack and: Nothing. Dead silence. Not a snap, crackle or pop.
I fiddled with the wall jack, plugged and unplugged both phone plugs, unplugged the the DSL line and tried every possible combination of switching phones and plugs in the jack. One good thing about living in a micro-compartment is that there’s only one phone jack. That makes this process go a lot faster. I’m so lucky to live in a super small apartment where I don’t have to mess with multiple phone outlets.
Right. This is when the first suspicions arose that the problem might not be my fault. I lived in denial for about an hour because I didn’t want to deal with the phone company. I kept thinking, “it’ll be fine, the service will be returned, I just need to go away and not think about it for a while and it will be fine. Really. It’s going to be okay.”
It wasn’t okay.
Darnedest thing, though, my DSL connection was fine. No problems there. Connected and zipping along. I hate the phone company but I love Covad.
But no phone. No dial tone. Nothing.
So I had to call the phone company. Just typing that sentence makes my stomach churn. The phone company. It always sounds like a big echo reverb-y voiceover. Have to call the phone company.
Girding of loins, mustering of courage, summoning strength from powers on high, breathing exercises, all to dial that one number, all to prepare for the conversation that is about to take place.
Calling the phone company requires me to go outside my building. So I was standing on the sidewalk talking to the phone company about problems on with my telephone on my mobile phone while the wind whipped around the building. On a Sunday night. The call dropped three times during this process. Let’s just call me a paranoid conspirist, because I find it very, very interesting and a bit too coincidentally ironic that my mobile rarely drops calls, and yet the second I call the phone company about my land line my mobile service dropped three times.
The service rep asked me if my DSL service was working. I made the fatal mistake of being honest and said yes.
“Well then why didn’t you just email us a repair request?” the nice service rep asked me.
“Because none of the drop-down menu choices matched the description of my particular problem with my phone service and the prompt message instructed me to call you,” I said, summoning the strength to not inflect a tone other than factual. Round of applause for that, please? Could you answer that question without raising your voice in anger or inflecting sarcasm? The natural response is to ooze sarcasm or inflect hostility in something like this, “because I just love talking to the fine professional knowledgeable service representatives at the phone company. It’s an honor and a privilege to be put on hold for 15 minutes and charged and taxed for that privilege, especially when the call is regarding a telephone line which isn’t working and in need of repair.”
Why aren’t calls for line service repair free and untaxed? Why? Why should we pay to report a problem with a line which isn’t functioning properly to the phone company? They’ve failed us. Why are we paying (and being taxed) for the phone call to tell them they’re not doing their job? There’s too much irony in all of that for me to consider without getting a non-computer related headache so I’m going to just walk away from that. Just simply walk away from that confounding conundrum.
So after 25 minutes and three calls to the service department of the phone company, I went back inside to submit a repair request online. Via my DSL service. Which uses the same jack and line, albeit a higher frequency, than my voice telephone line. I have a pretty good understanding of how this works, because I’m a geek and I researched it when I was considering DSL service a long time ago. But there’s part of me that still questions how my voice telephone line can be utterly, completely non-functioning while my DSL is running smooth as ever. I know, I know, it’s not magic, it’s science and it really makes a lot of sense when you get down to the nitty gritty of what happens in those wires and who and how they are installed and repaired. And I’m not complaining, because in all the years I’ve had DSL there have been exactly two times there were problems with the DSL part of the wires and they’ve been, well, a lot, loads of times there have been problems with the voice part of the wires. No phone is a pain, but, being able to go online and send an email to people telling them my phone isn’t working helps. A lot.
I submitted the repair request. But. Halfway through the process I got this screen. The phone company gave me instructions for some common repair issues and told me to try them before submitting a final request for repair. Yes. No matter what you’re thinking right now, the incredible answer is: Yes.
Let’s take a moment to summarize the events which led to this point, shall we? I was talking to my mother on a voice land line. The phone went completely dead. I tried connecting, disconnecting, re-connecting, jiggling, fiddling, and ignoring the plug and wall jack. I called the phone company to report a non-functioning telephone. They told me to make the service request online. I filled out a repair request for my non-functioning telephone line. They gave me repair instructions and advised me to fix the problem myself before submitting a repair request.
I’m kind of a DIY sort of person. There are a few reasons for this. A) I don’t have money and if something needs to be repaired/updated/modified/improved/designed I have to do it myself or it won’t get done because I can’t afford to hire professionals, B) problems/inspiration tend to hit me on Sunday afternoons when professionals are not working, or charge triple premium prices, and mainly C) because I like the thrill of adventure to be found in completely screwing something up so badly a team of experts will have to be flown into not only handle the original issue but fix/clean/remodel/burn/detoxify my attempts at DIY.
But. I know my limitations. Anything involving wires in walls/engines or pipes/hoses carrying fluids signals: Limitation. Sure, I could probably figure out a lot of the issues/improvements, and I have in the past attempted and even successfully fixed/modified wires and hoses, but, I know it was luck and perhaps divine intervention that kept me out of the emergency room while performing these repairs/modifications. Since I no longer have health insurance which covers anything useful, I’ve quit taking chances and that means: No handling electric current or plumbing, power tools are off limits and if it requires a safety mask and/or safety glasses it’s probably not a good idea for me to be doing it.
So when I got the repair prompt I thought, “Okay, maybe it’s something easy, let’s have a look.”
Here are the exact instructions. Note there were no illustrations or diagrams. Just this word for word list.
Locate the Problem 1. Locate the Network Interface Device*. (*This is a gray box with the SBC or Bell logo on it that is either outside, usually near the electric meter, or inside in the basement or equipment room near the fuse box.) 2. Use a screwdriver to open the box. (CAUTION! Do not open during an electrical storm.) 3. Disconnect the modular plug from the test jack. (This disconnects your equipment and wiring from the Network.) 4. Wait one minute for the system to reset. 5. Plug a working telephone into the test jack. 6. Lift the receiver to listen for dial tone. If you do not hear dial tone, the problem is in our Network and a technician needs to be dispatched. If you hear dial tone, the trouble is in your wiring, equipment, or jack. 7. When completed, disconnect your phone and reconnect the modular jack. 8. Close the Network Interface Device and screw the cover back on.
I live in a large high rise building. There are about 500 apartments in my building. Even if some of those apartments are empty or the residents do not have land line service, the apartments are all wired for land lines.
I sat there staring at these instructions, reading and re-reading them and getting stuck on #1 every time. “Locate the Network Interface Device...in the basement or equipment room near the fuse box...” I’ve never been in my building’s basement. I know it exists. I’ve seen the maintenance guys coming and going from there. And once, when I had phone problems last Summer, I got a peek of the “communications room,” a very brief peek, the phone guy and the maintenance guy deftly closed the door when they saw me peeking in there. “You don’t want to see what’s in here, little girl,” strongly implied.
I gathered my courage and went down to the maintenance office. Armed with a printout of the instructions the phone company gave me, I gathered more courage and knocked on the maintenance office door.
The Sunday maintenance guy is nice. But kind of, um, well. He’s the Sunday maintenance guy. A little creepy, a little corny, a little knowledgeable, but mostly: lazy, horny and stupid. He does the bare minimum to fix a problem, a quick patch job to get the tenant by until the “real” guys come on duty Monday morning and then goes back to the maintenance room and looks at porn magazines. It probably goes without saying but I’ll say it: The prettier, younger and wilder the tenant, the faster he responds to services requests. It goes without saying but I’ll say it: I had to beg, beg the guy to let me into the “communications room” to look at my line and see if I could figure out how to test it.
Let’s just say an hour later my line had not been located and the maintenance guy had gone through enough cigarettes to give me a healthy dose of lung cancer.
I couldn’t get past step 1.
And for some bizarre reason I felt bad, stupid, inept and apologetic for this. I sent an email to the phone company explaining how hard I’d tried to locate the Network Interface Device but that I couldn’t even assuredly identify the line for my compartment, what should I do? “I’m sorry I could not locate the Network Interface Device so I am unable to proceed beyond the first step. Please advise,” I wrote.
I apologized to them for not being able to find the “Network Interface Device.” Huh? Wait a minute, do I look like MacGyver or Inspector Gadget or James Bond or a telephone repair person? No. I do not. I look like a woman who’s spent a lot of time reading books and painting and playing with cats. So why was I feeling guilty and apologetic about not being able to locate my telephone line’s “Network Interface Device?” What am I, Canadian? “I’m sorry I couldn’t do your job for you telephone repair person, I’ll be sure to get some training so next time I won’t have to trouble you with my telephone repair problems. But I’m really in a bind now, so if you could just help me out this one time I’d really appreciate it.”
The phone company.
Experts at mind control and emotional manipulation. We’ve all paid so much money to put up with so much crap from them for so many years that we’re unable to distinguish appropriates roles and behaviors in the relationship. The lines are blurred and functions have become ambiguous. We’re confused and co-dependent and struggle to identify not only “Network Interface Devices” but also our place in this relationship.
Well.
We’re not gonna take it. No. We ain’t gonna take it.
I received (what I thought was) an amazingly fast response.
“We tested your line and it appears there is a problem. If you do not have phone service by 8 PM tomorrow night please call or email the service department.”
Um. Gee. Thanks and everything, I’ll get a fruit basket out to you right away, but, um, wouldn’t you, the phone company, know if I don’t have telephone service?
Apparently not.
Apparently the telephone company has taken a don’t ask, don’t tell approach to repairs.
4:53 PM
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Dear Ty Pennington, I am writing because I’d like to be considered as an Extreme Makeover: Home Edition recipient.
I'll be totally honest right up front: I don’t fit the usual formula for your recipients. I don’t have a dead husband or a child with an odd and probably terminal disease. I haven’t lost my job and I don’t feed needy people from my kitchen.
Oh. And. I don't own a home. Not even a broken down home with a leaky roof and plastic wrap covering the broken windows and outdoor plumbing and toxic mold growing on the floors.
But. I am single and struggling on one income and I have a terminally ill cat who requires expensive tests and medications every month. I notice you tend to select people who give back to their communities, and I do volunteer within my community! Okay, sure, it’s mainly with the animal community, but I work with childrens’ charities, too and since fate has seen to it that I don't have a husband or children of my own, one day I’d like to be a foster parent and help children and teenagers.
But right now that plan seems impossible, Ty. Some days I can’t even focus on that hope. Even before my cat was diagnosed with cancer I was struggling to keep a roof over our heads and food in the kitty dish. I always put the needs of my family and animals before my own and I'm happy to that! But it puts a strain on my budget! Even though I work a full time job and two part time jobs, I have to go without a lot of the things most people take for granted like a car and three meals a day and health care and a home. Even though I volunteer when I can and help with foster care activities and the kids seem to like me, the foster care social workers aren’t too eager to talk to people who don’t own cars or have adequate space to house a child.
So I was waiting in the animal clinic emergency room the other night and your show was on and I thought, "they tear down the houses and start from scratch anyway, why do the people on this show even have to own a home in the first place?" And then I thought, "people who rent are the ones who really need a home of their own, Ty could really help out a lot of people by giving renters a home of their own." I know, I know, renters are pathetic losers like the comic book store guy on The Simpson's. I know, Ty, I know. But maybe you could give me a call and we could talk and maybe you'll see we're not all like that and maybe even if it's not me, you'll consider helping someone else who isn't a pathetic loser but rents because all their money goes to rent, and they don't get that nifty tax deduction because they don't own a home, so they're taxed at a high rate and can't save money for a down payment on a mortgage. If you could just stop this cycle of tax insanity for one employed middle income person this plea will have been worth the blow to my dignity I took by writing this letter and groveling to you for help.
Dr. Phil and Oprah! say we have to believe in ourselves! The religious people say we have to be positive and trust and have faith in ourselves! Men say confidence is sexy! I never thought any of those things were issues for me because I've always believed in my ability to be a kind and decent person, I believe in my intellectual abilities and talents and character strengths that ended up in my DNA and I have confidence in those strengths, unwavering confidence, belief and trust in those things and worked hard on making my weaknesses and inabilities, put a positive happy spin on my challenges and saw them as learning and growth opportunities! Always about growing and learning and trying to be a better person! Always room for improvement even though you have confidence and believe in yourself! But Dr. Phil and Oprah and religious people and men keep saying these things and telling me it's all my fault so I think maybe I need to work harder! So I am! I believe, oh Ty, I believe anything is possible! If I can dream it, I can do it! And I'm dreaming of owning a home! I believe in that dream! I'm positive and confident that I can be a good homeowner! Oh sure, I was pretty darned confident I'd have a successful career and strong marriage and then I'd be a homeowner, and even though I've tried really hard and that hasn't happened I believe! I'm positive! I'm not a victim! I'm responsible for me! I believe my positive confidence will make you want to give me a home!
I notice you really like a good tear jerking story of someone who has had one tragedy after another heaped on them. Even if you don't help me, you and your merry band of really caring and empathetic cry on demand interior designers will probably have a good time hearing about my plight over the past few years. I hope you've got a lot of Kleenex® brand tissues ready in your RV office! It's so cool you all travel around together in a fancy RV like a rolling League of Justice! You're like super heroes on a cross country rock and roll tour in your League of Justice-mobile!
Here goes: After my fiance dumped me things started to go real bad for me. I had a job I kind of liked but shortly after the break-up things started changing at work, new management, re-training and a lot of stress with a new boss. But I keep hanging in there, baby! I know where the door is, after all, and as my boss reminds me, it's as easy as walking out that door and never coming back, so when things get stressful and difficult I just keep that happy thought in mind and I feel a lot better. I’ve been mugged three times, I suffered a broken leg, whiplash and concussion in one of the muggings, and was severely beaten in another. My leg and ankle only hurt when it rains or snows and sometimes when it's humid it swells up and that's kind of uncomfortable but hey! it could have been worse, at least I didn't get stabbed during the last mugging, the guy ran off scared before he used his knife on me. Whew! That was close! I'm so grateful for not being stabbed! After the last attack and mugging, which happened the day I returned home from taking care of my mother who suffered a major health emergency and almost died while she and my father were on vacation, by the way, I decided I had to move because my neighborhood was crime ridden and I took a stand and chose to remove myself from the problem and no longer be a victim. Dr. Phil and Oprah! say we can choose to not be victims so I made that choice and made that change! That’s worked out pretty good for me except in order to move to a better neighborhood I had to move to a much smaller place. My cat and I are now compartmentalized into two rooms and a bathroom. I feel bad about this, not so much for me, but my cat used to have a lot of space to run and play, and even as sick as he is he still loves to run and play. But now he doesn’t have much space to run and play. Living in a small space came in handy when I was in a car accident, hoooo boy, that was something, I was confident and trusting and went on a date and got into a car accident! Nothing serious, just a few cracked ribs and some scratches from shattered glass but hey! At least the scar is below my eye and not in it! And my friends tell me in the right light with enough make-up you can hardly tell there's a scar there at all! Never saw the guy again except in court for the drunk driving arraignment where I had to be a witness. That was interesting! And that smaller compartment came in handy when I wasn't feeling very well after the accident, just a few steps to the bathroom, just a few steps to feed the cat... really so much better than having to walk all over a spacious home to do those things. See?! We adjusted and got by, but then my cat was diagnosed with cancer and the bills started accumulating. I had my identity stolen in one of the muggings and every now and then I have some issues pop up with that, darnedest thing, they just can't quite seem to catch the person who has my old information. That silly Secretary of State department sure is funny, hoooo boy, they are such a goofy bunch, a woman walked right into their office and said she was me and had my old drivers' license from my old address and said she got mugged and didn't have her new ID could she please have a replacement license with her new address and guess what those crazy goofballs at the Secretary of State office did? Those nuts, they gave her a new license with my new address and old photo on it! They have my photo on file from when I replaced my stolen ID and I guess this woman must look exactly like me because they just handed her a new license with my new information and guess what?! She got two credit cards in my name and spent two days shopping! And then I got the bills! OMG it was soooooo funny! All those precautions I took and registrations I made with the identity theft hotline and credit agencies which are set up to protect identity theft victims have some flaws! But I choose not to be a victim! Dr. Phil says if bad things happen it's really all my fault and I need to reassess what I've done wrong, how I've been stupid and allowed these things to happen to me! I just ♥ Dr. Phil, don't you, Ty?! He's the best. Oprah! and Dr. Phil and Ty Pennington. My real life heroes, helping people help themselves. Super hero guardian angels right there on television every week helping us help ourselves.
Ready to start crying again? I have some health issues which I am not treating because I have to choose between paying for my cat’s healthcare and paying for my healthcare. Even though his is expensive, mine’s more expensive and my company’s health insurance policy doesn’t cover my medications or some of the tests I need to have done. There are a few programs for uninsured employed people, but, ha ha ha, this is so funny, I have a health insurance policy, or the option of having one through my job, so I don't qualify for uninsured healthcare plans! Even though the insurance policy I'm offered doesn't cover any healthcare issues, you know things the insurance company thinks we don't really need, the silly insignificant wastes of time and money like mammograms and asthma inhalers and dental care and glaucoma tests! Who needs those?! They just raise insurance premiums, so by not covering those services our premiums are lower! Lucky us! I am so lucky and privileged to have the option of health insurance as a benefit of my employment! I believe, oh Ty, I believe in employee sponsored health care! The system works so well and I'm so lucky! So what if it doesn't cover my health needs?! No big deal! I'm a positive and confident person! I feel okay most of the time, and when I don’t I'm so confident it's nothing serious that I just focus on enjoying whatever time I have left with my cat and that makes me feel better.
But here's something which is really a challenge for me. I can no longer afford to stay in our compartment so I’m hoping to move into a one room compartment in December. There’s one available and if no one snatches it up by December I can have it at a discounted rent. See? Miracles do happen! An even smaller less expensive compartment might be available! It's a miracle! I believe, oh Lord, I believe all the way! My cat and I will have even less space in the new place - we’ll be living in a room about the size of a nice college dorm. Oh sure, this could be really upsetting because it’s a huge backwards step but hey! I’ve still got my job and my cat isn’t feeling pain so that’s all that matters. And I am choosing to not be a victim! I'm taking responsibility for my life just like Dr. Phil says, because apparently I was irresponsible in the past and that's why this stuff happened to me! But no more! It's all about positive attitude! Positive! Positive! Positive! Turn that frown upside down and smile, smile, smile, that's what I say and do! Just add exclamation marks to the end of every sentence! See how that works miracles for your attitude?! I've learned to end every thought with an exclamation mark and wow! has that been a morale lifter! Sometimes! I don't even wait for the end of a thought and add them! right in the middle of thoughts! I notice you talk in exclamation marks! so you know what I mean! It really keeps my attitude peppy and adds a dimension of confidence, too! It's takes guts and courage to think in exclamation marks because sometimes thoughts don't seem like they can handle an exclamation mark. But I bravely face that doubt and add one! I'm so confident and more importantly, I believe! I believe in me! I believe in the power of positive! thinking!
And just one day at a time, we just take life one day at a time, Ty.
So I’m going to have some design challenges and I would love your help! You have all those really creative ideas and I just know you could give me some great suggestions for making my one room home a peaceful oasis where my cat and I can comfortably enjoy ourselves. A place where I can relax and reflect upon all the blessings which I’ve learned to count while dealing with one crisis after another and the joy that comes from being positive, positive, positive! Positivity! Amen, brother, amen!
I don’t want to sound greedy, because really I’d just be super happy! to have one of those couches that pull out into a bed and some sort of dresser/dining table combo unit, and maybe a bookshelf from IKEA. Really. That'd make me super hap hap happy because I'm going to need some clever space saving multi-function furniture in my new one room home. I know it's all about being clever and creative and you're the guy who can help! So I'm not being greedy. Really. I'd be super excited about one of those neato couch/bed things. But I notice on your show the local mortgage company often donates the money for the mortgage payments. So I was thinking it doesn’t really matter that I don’t actually own a home. Us renters have the American dream of owning a home. But we’re caught in a trap, Ty, we can’t pull out. I know, I know, don't be a victim! Be responsible! But going to work every day and paying taxes is responsible. Some of us could use just a little help, just a small tax break or a low interest, low down payment mortgage. It makes us sad that we can't afford a home, especially when we hear our married colleagues and friends talking about how low their mortgage payments are, even lower than our rent payments. When us renters ask homeowners how they saved for their down payment they say, "We lived on my salary and put all my spouse's salary in a high interest earning CD and within a year we had almost enough to pay for half the house!" us renters just count our blessings to get in a good positive frame of mind because we don't have a spouse so that plan won't work for us. This is when we need to be confident and positive and believe and focus on all the blessings in our lives like not having to worry about fixing a leaky roof because we rent and that's the landlord's problem not ours! Funny how the rent increases after a problem like that, though...huh.. I wonder if there's a connection. Naah, be positive! Be responsible! Don't be a victim!
Renting's lots of fun, but sometimes there are down sides, especially when social workers from foster care facilities find out we don’t own a home and tell us we’re not fit to help a child because we rent. Renters have big hearts and want to help kids, too! And animals! Let's not forget our four legged friends! I've noticed kids with physical and emotional challenges respond really well to animals. I think it's because they know the animals aren't judging them. Dr. Phil would tell them to find that confidence within themselves and not pin the responsibility on the animal, and he's right! Of course he's right! But, since a lot of animals are abused and neglected I'd like to be able to give them a home where they can be safe and cared for, and since they'd be there anyway, kids who could spend foster time with me could enjoy the animals, too!
Oh! And! You’re a designer so you’ll understand this! I haven’t had a place to create art and design projects in a really long time. I could use, oh, I don’t know, a corner, a nook, some space somewhere where I can devote some time to art and expressing myself creatively. Ideally I’d like a space big enough to share with children, show them how to tap into their creative side and express themselves through art. It could be multi-function space, a place where I can study and work on school projects, too, because someday, someday, Ty, someday when things are better, I want to get a degree in art therapy so I can help kids with physical and emotional challenges express themselves and gain confidence and even physical coordination skills through art. Did you know holding a paint brush and focusing on different types of strokes is good physical therapy for stroke victims? Of course you knew that, you're a designer, and an artist and a really sensitive to the needs of others guy! I have this idea, I've tried it out a little bit already, I have this idea to have a program called Strokes for Strokes where people who've had strokes can come and I'll help them paint and they can develop coordination skills while doing something fun and visually stimulating, too. Do you like that name? Do you think it's clever? I thought of it all by myself! It just came to me one day when I was helping my mother learn to use her hand again, just like that! Poof! Strokes for Strokes! Unfortunately helping out and volunteering for stuff like that requires permits and paperwork and they want people to have qualified training and education, really advanced education, before they'll grant permits to people who want to volunteer with those kinds of programs. Goofy, huh? I mean, I guess kids with handicaps and emotional challenges and people who've had strokes get loads of attention and help, people must be dying to give up their free time to help them so of course they should be picky about volunteers who want to give their time and skills to help at supervised juvenile care centers and rehab hospitals. So I want to go back to school, again, and get a therapy degree because my art degrees aren't enough to qualify me to set up a volunteer program like this. But until I get settled in my new smaller place and figure out how to cleverly use one room for my living room, bedroom, dining room, studio and study room, and pay for my cat's health care, and get a few of my health issues resolved I can't do any of these things! Help, Ty, help! I think you might be the guy to come up with a way to turn a one room studio compartment into a spacious live/work/study oasis!
Or, I was thinking maybe one of the nice altruistic ungreedy condo developers here in the city would donate a condo to us because that would be really good advertising and good will karma for them. I would love to see you tell a CTA bus driver to “Move. That. Bus!” in front of one of the many condo or gentrification developments here in Chicago. That would be so cool, wouldn’t it, Ty? Even I would sit through the show to see that!
Usually there is a whole community of people who come together to help you guys do the big home makeover. I have some friends who would help because I’ve helped them a lot over the years, but many of them no longer live in Chicago so you might have to fly a few people in to help. My dad’s pretty handy with a drill and a saw and my mother is good at supervising so they’d probably help, too. The people at my cat’s doctor’s office are really nice, they’d probably help and maybe you could offer some help for them, it’s a nice office but the kennel area where the animals rest after surgery could use a little more space and comfier kennels where cats and dogs could be separated because right now they have to share the recovery room and sometimes the barking dogs upset the cats and the meowing cats make the dogs growl. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr! My coworkers don’t like me but they all love reality TV and many of them have auditioned to be on reality shows so I think loads of them would love to help you even though they don’t like me.
And you know what else, Ty? I notice you send the family away on a vacation while you build their house. I could really, really use a vacation. I used to love to travel. Travel was my thing. It was a big part of my identity. Travelin' gal, that was me. Old Itchy Feet, they used to call me. I like to travel and learn about different places and cultures and be inspired by all the visual and intellectual stimulation you get when you travel someplace new. But since the break-up I haven't been able to travel, one thing and then another, what with my broken leg and other health problems and then mother's health problems and deaths in the family and friends who've needed me to lend emotional support during their crises and now taking care of a sick animal, I've used my vacation days to handle everything other than actual vacation. But not a big deal because I haven't had the time or money for a vacation. Oh, I'm not complaining! I wouldn't trade being with my family and friends when they need me for any vacation anywhere. And I'm lucky to have vacation days to use sitting in doctors' offices because otherwise I'd have to take time off without pay and then pay doctors! That would be doubly difficult, so I'm lucky! I count that blessing double! But, I've hit a point where I could really use a real vacation to re-charge my batteries. Even if you can't do anything for my new one room home or hook me up with a condo or house, maybe you could just let me go on vacation with one of the families you do select. I'll stay out of the way and even baby sit the kids while the parents go do some parents on vacation stuff. Anywhere that's not work or a hospital or veterinary office or doctors' office is a big vacation for me!
Or maybe the next time one of those sponsors of your show offers new computers for product placement advertising you could get 'em to throw in an extra one for me. I'm having some issues with my computer so maybe if there's an extra one, I mean, maybe instead of every kid in the family getting their own computer the three-year-old twins could share one and you could send one my way. Not that I want to take a computer out of the hands of a three-year-old, I'm just thinking it's good to have kids share sometimes, helps build teamwork and conflict resolution skills so really it'd be doing them and me a favor so you'd be a double super swell guy super hero designer guy! How cool would that be? That would be super double League of Justice cool.
I hope you'll find it in your heart to consider my request, I know it's not ordinary and I'm asking a lot and boy have I got some nerve to even bother you and I understand if the answer is no. But if not me, please consider helping someone else who's renting but wants to own a home. We're not all like the comic book store guy. Thanks Ty, you're the bestest goofiest nicest life changing interior designer super hero EVER!
Friday, November 03, 2006
So I’m not as old as some people. Old, yes, absolutely, and showing new and interesting signs of increasing age every day. But fortunately so far my vision hasn’t given me any problems. I have really good eyesight. All my senses work really well. Hyper senses, in fact. Which can be a bad thing sometimes. Some sights, smells, sounds, flavors and feelings are really awful when you’ve got hyper senses.
Right. Vision. I still have really good vision. However. My grandfather developed glaucoma when he was elderly. He died before he was completely blinded by the disease, but, since there’s a family history I “should” get a glaucoma test every few years. No big deal, right? Right. And never a bad idea to have an eye exam even if you’re not having “problems” with your vision or eyes.
Well. It’s been more than a few years. It’s been a lot of years. I got a bit of a perspective jolt when I received a memo saying our company vision insurance plan will be “changing” (read: all but eliminated) in 2007. So I thought, “Gee, I should get in and get an eye exam while I still have this great vision insurance.” I looked at my “computer glasses” and realized I haven’t had an eye exam since before HWNMNBS and I were even engaged. He helped me choose them. Yikes. I mean. Wow. Huh. Time flies.
I don’t “need” reading glasses, but when I became a serious computer jockey and was doing a lot of graduate research an eye doctor suggested glasses to ease the constant invasion of glare and reduce the strain I put on my eyes. Okay, sure, why not? So I’ve had a pair of computer glasses ever since and sometimes, when I feel the pull of strain after a lot of hours staring at a screen I actually wear them. And they do help ease the “headache in the eyes” I sometimes get when my allergies are acting up and I have to spend a long day on a Mac.
So,yeah, time for an eye exam and a new pair of computer glasses, after all, I still have insurance and might as well take advantage of it while I have it. My health and dental insurance doesn’t cover anything useful anymore, so I might as well have a last hurrah with my vision insurance.
So I had an eye exam. No glaucoma. That’s the good news. And I still have better than 20/20 vision. Rock on. I’m old but my eyes are young.
The bad news is that there’s increased “strain” on the nerve, something common with heavy computer users. I’ve been super busy and spending a lot of time staring at computers in the past few months and haven’t been “good” about remembering to wear my glasses, so no surprise that there’s obvious strain showing in my eyes. It doesn’t impair vision but causes really bad headaches and eventually can lead to other problems. The eye doctor said plasma screens help a lot, but they also cause a different type of strain - the glare from regular glass screens would cause people to blink more and lubricate their eyes. Plasma screens apparently lull our eyes into a false sense of security and put us in a wide-eyed unblinking trance. Which causes eye strain. Kind of ironic that a better for the eyes plasma screen is actually too good and causes another type of problem. I’ll still take plasma any day. The correction is simple enough, either stay off computers (ha) or wear a type of reading glasses made of a non-glare (like art gallery) glass. The glass they make these with now is allegedly improved and has proven to help a lot of people with my “problem.” Also offers some relief to my other eye problem – allergies. Watery, itchy red eyes. It doesn’t solve the allergy problem but it does “relax” the nerve and hence decreases the added strain allergies can put on the eyes and nerves.
Okay! Great, let’s get a pair of glasses made for me, here’s my insurance card.
Oh, those halcyon days of good health insurance plans which actually covered useful health related care and needs.This is where I start to show my age.
The last time I had an exam, yes, much too long ago, my insurance paid for everything apart from $35 I had to spend because the frames I chose were $35 more than the insurance would pay for frames. Still a bargain and not a big deal considering the exam, lenses and a nifty “Eye Can See Clearly” fridge magnet were covered by my vision insurance.
I don’t remember any memos or discussions about our vision insurance plan changing until this year. Though admittedly, three days after the break up I had to enroll for the next year’s insurance plans and I didn’t fully comprehend much of what was told to us at our benefits update meeting. I didn’t fully comprehend anything at that point of time in my life. So I suspect that’s when the changes were implemented to our vision insurance plan. I haven’t used the insurance since then to realize there have already been significant decreases in the coverage. I haven’t heard too many grumbles about the cost of eye care around the office, either, so I had no reason to suspect a large out of pocket cost at a visit to my friendly neighborhood eye doctor.
So. New glasses. Last time I went I paid $35 toward glasses and the insurance paid for the exam, including glaucoma test, the lenses and most of the frames. And an "Eye Can See Clearly" fridge magnet. Yesterday I had a bill of $350. And that didn't include a fridge magnet. The exam cost me $25. The glaucoma screening cost me another $50.
Yes. The glaucoma test, the actual reason for my visit to the eye doctor, an actual health concern, a real disease which afflicts over three million Americans with numbers increasing every year, is not considered part of the regular eye exam and therefore is not covered by my revised vision insurance. Keep in mind my vision insurance is going to be further reduced as of January 1. Ummm. Okay. So, what will it cover? What’s the point of health insurance again? I’m confused.
The lenses cost me $175 and the frames (I chose the cheapest ones I could find) cost me $100. Yep, my vision insurance no longer completely pays for lenses, and in fact pays for a very small portion of the lenses. There are several types of lenses, some more expensive than others, it’s up to the patient to decide how much money they can/want to spend on lenses. I went the cheapest route possible with the “art gallery” type of glass. We’re not talking Hubble Telescope lens quality here. We’re not even talking Acme Junior Scientist Lab Kit quality. We’re talking “there might be a few grains of sand still in the glass but you’ll get used to it, your eyes will adjust.”
But let’s talk frames. My eye doctor is focused (nyuck nyuck) on eye health. Obviously they have a lot of frames for people to choose, and obviously they do whatever eye doctor offices do with the frame manufacturer sales reps, I understand, it’s a way to make some money and I totally get it. I’ve heard some eye doctor offices are all about selling pricey trendy frames and less about eye health. That would bother me. So I’m content with my eye doctor - not a ton of choices regarding frames, but certainly enough choices to make all except the pickiest trend connoisseur happy. I’m there for the glaucoma screening. The frames are relatively insignificant.
And yet, another irony of my life, my vision insurance still covers a huge part of the cost of frames. The most I would have to pay for frames is $100 - that's my co-pay, my out of pocket frame cost, regardless of the cost of the frames I choose. The $950 titanium secret alloy developed at MIT with exclusive platinum accent designs culled from the secret estate vault of Georg Jenson himself and my cost would be $100. I could choose the standard issue jet propulsion engineer circa 1953 plastic frames and I would pay $100. The woman who helped me select my lenses and frames said, “You have some tough choices to make regarding the type of lens you want, that's where your costs really add up, but you can choose just about any frame we have. Your insurance will pay for all but $100 of the frames and almost all our frames are over $200, so no matter what you choose you’ll only have to pay $100 for the frames. Go nuts.”
That’s the part that totally annoyed me and completely pushed me over the edge of the Snellen eye chart: They’ll pay a hefty portion of trendy designer frames but they won’t pay for lenses and worse, a glaucoma screening???!
Someone help me. Please. Someone please explain this to me. Are there eyeglass frame manufacturer lobbyists having ménage à troises with insurance companies and Washington eye care subcommittee fat cats? (I have no idea how to pluralize ménage à trois and I don’t care so don’t bother to tell me) Where are the glaucoma lobbyists? Apparently they can’t see well enough to read the insurance policies which do not cover glaucoma screening as part of a regular eye exam.
I never really got the connection between high end fashion designers taking on eyeglass design, oops, I mean “eyewear” as it’s called in chicly hushed designer circles. I mean, yes, I understand the concept of an overall “look” of a particular design house, I understand people who have to wear glasses every day want something which matches their style and taste. I understand there is a segment of society which buys and craves anything the it designer of the moment slaps their name across. But the designer “eyewear” business is huge. HUGE. Heck, if vision insurance is paying for frames why not go for broke and get your favorite designer slapped on across your face? I’m guessing people who will never own a piece of clothing designed by Jhane Barnes, or even know who she is for that matter, have her glasses perched on their noses because their vision insurance pays for it.
My father, for instance, who is the least likely person in the world to have designer anything, has a pair of Ralph Lauren glasses. My father didn’t seek Ralph Lauren “eyewear” and in fact didn’t know he was wearing designer “eyewear” until I saw his new frames which were a huge departure from his usual standard issue retired man glasses. Apparently when he had a new prescription for glasses filled his eye doctor no longer carried his standard issue retired man frame style. So Joyce, the eye doctor’s assistant/receptionist/glasses helper/glasses sizer/glasses adjuster/insurance helper, helped him select a new style. Joyce is older than my father. Joyce is a member of my parents’ church. I’ve known Joyce all my life. Joyce started helping out at the “new” eye doctor’s office when her husband died. Her husband died shortly after he retired. Joyce decided rather than move to Florida she would become a career gal. That was a really, really long time ago. The “new” eye doctor has retired and his son now runs the practice. All my life Joyce has worn two pairs of glasses at the same time, one on her face for regular wear, and another pair on a fancy beaded chain around her neck for when she does her “computer work.” I’m guessing Joyce doesn’t know from designers. I’m guessing Joyce doesn’t use the term “eyewear.” But she got my dad into a pair of Ralph Lauren frames. His insurance paid for them. My dad would be perfectly content to wear his usual standard issue retired man frames, or whatever frames his insurance paid for in full. His insurance pays for designer “eyewear” in full so he’s got Ralph Lauren frames. He has no idea who Ralph Lauren is, or at least only a vague notion, and yet he wears the designer every day. I wonder what Ralph would think if he saw my dad wearing his eyewear design. I wonder if, since my dad bought Ralph Lauren “eyewear,” Ralph would help me pay for my glaucoma test.
I know I’m still better off having done this now because in January there will be hardly anything covered at all. But the main reason I bother to go is to get a glaucoma screening. If I already have to pay for that why bother with any type of insurance whatsoever?
I pay $2 out of every pay check for my portion of the insurance, my employer pays another $2/paycheck, so, all total my vision insurance premium is $98/year. A glaucoma screening costs $50. Ummmmmmmmm. Seems like pretty obvious math to me.
The insurance isn’t worth the cost for me.
So, I called our benefits person at work.
“Hi HR benefits person! This is Trillian.”
(loud intake of breath, in that “uh oh” tone) “Hello Trillian.”
“HR benefits person, I went to the eye doctor yesterday and had to pay $50 for a glaucoma screening. I did the math and realized between the company and I we’re paying $98 for my annual vision insurance premium. I have better than perfect vision. I only need a glaucoma screening every couple of years. I think it’s in my and the company’s best interest if I drop the coverage. So as of January 1 knock me off the vision plan and put an extra $2 in my paychecks.”
(heavy exasperated sigh) “It doesn’t work that way, Trillian. You can drop the coverage but you don’t get an extra $2.”
“Why?”
“We give you extra money in each pay check to offset the cost of health insurance. If you elect to not have coverage you don’t get that money. It’s specifically for insurance.”
“I know, but it’s never enough so you take out more and then match it to cover the difference. Which has never made sense to me, why not just give us all a higher insurance allowance in the first place so we don’t have to do the whole add, subtract, match game? But we do, and now I don’t want vision insurance which is $2/paycheck I don’t have to pay and you don’t have to match.”
This conversation continued waaaaaay too long and the end result is that I’ll still be paying $2 per paycheck and my company will be matching that so that I can have vision insurance which doesn’t cover the one eye exam I need to have done every couple of years. Please don’t ask me to explain why because I can’t fully comprehend any of the logic in it. It goes something like this: it’s “better” for my paycheck if I pony up the $2 for insurance which doesn’t cover what I need. It has to do with taxes - the $2/$2 match isn’t taxed, but if I don’t have vision insurance the $2 I was paying would be taxed, so the tax savings with the total $4 tagged for insurance makes my paycheck higher than if I didn’t pay $2 into the plan.
Is it insurance fraud or an insurance scam if the perp is the insurance company and the victim is the patient and their employer? I guess not, I guess it must be perfectly legal.
So guess what my parents are giving me for Christmas this year?! Whoopeeeee! A glaucoma test and new glasses! New spiffy designer glasses I don’t really need. Although my mother, I love my mother, love her, always a source of inventive logic, my mother’s rationale for why I should go ahead and get new glasses is that in the long run it’s cheaper than bottles of pain killers I take for headaches.
That’s of course assuming the cause of headaches is generally computer related eye strain. Computer related eye strain I get as a direct result of doing my job. The job which offers me vision insurance which only covers a small percentage of the cost of lenses for glasses needed due to a work related health issue and doesn't cover glaucoma screening. Um. Yeah. Ya know, I'm just going to leave that out there in the Universe. It will give me a non-computer related headache if I try to sort out any kind of logic or ethics in that equation. My parents are buying me glasses so I can do my job without causing eye strain and getting headaches and that's all that matters to me right now. It's kind of weird to me that my parents have to buy my glasses for me because I'm an educated and professionally employed adult, but hey, at least I have parents to buy glasses for me. There are bigger issues in all of this and maybe those lobbyists and insurance companies will have to sort out something else when more companies like mine offer less health insurance to their employees, even the employees who have job-related health issues. I'm also hoping those glaucoma lobbyists get Books on Tape to record insurance policies so they can hear that glaucoma screening is not covered on a lot of vision care insurance plans and get moving on reforming the definition of "regular" as it pertains to eye exams before I actually develop glaucoma. And maybe they can get 'em to reinstate the fridge magnet benefit, too.
Hey, at least I have better than perfect 20/20 vision. That’ll be helpful when I’m living on the streets and no longer strain my eyes by looking at a computer all day – no worries about glasses. Though it does rule out the possibility of generating income by being a blind begger woman. Unless I get glaucoma. But according to my $50 exam there’s no worry about that yet.
12:46 PM
